Sad

I just broke up with my boyfriend after six months together. The last month has been awful. He suffers anxiety and depression and is on medication. He lost his job and fell deeper into depression.

One time, he took time away sitting in his dark room to call me, crying, saying that he hates himself, and that his life and is so sad with regrets of the decisions that got him where he is now. I wanted to help, so I got him some work thru a friend. It made him a bit better, but then we would go out, and his awful mood swings would start up - little things like not finding a carpark or the menu changed at restaurant. He insulted me, picked at my personality, and said he hates living here, and as soon as he saves enough money he is leaving to go live somewhere else. It made me sad, and put me down.

I had already lost my confidence after being married for 15 years, only to have my ex-husband meet someone else, leave, and then stop paying child support and rarely see his kids because he's always busy with her. Its been a year, and now my ex-husband is getting married. Good luck to them, but it's hard to struggle financially to take care of two children on my own. I feel trapped and unable to have any control over this. So, when I met my now ex-boyfriend I was happy. But now he's gone too.

I feel hopeless, useless, sad, and sick of it all. I sleep a lot when I'm not at work, and my body aches. I'm so unhappy. How can I make my life better? What do I do? It's been too much heartache for too long.

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The Legacy

Both my parents were narcissistic. My Dad is cruel and sadistic and is still able to kill me with a single glance, smirk, or word. Thankfully my Mom died. But even after her death she still managed to ruin my life.

Now I'm alone and incredibly lonely. I've been told by too many people in various ways that I'm not normal and by inference and action that I'm not worthy of having friends. I try to have friends but inevitably I screw it up and they leave. So I've been isolating myself for the better part of the past year, ever since my brother committed suicide.

I blame my Dad for his suicide because my brother was the scapegoat and got the lion's share of the constant abuse. Even though my brother was in his 40s, he was never right. I wrote on the back of a picture of him at his funeral that he was braver than I. He ended his torture. My Dad didn't give up his cruise in order to go to the funeral. He disrespected him even in death.

So how do I know if I'm an evil narcissist? I don't want to be. But my first daughter is borderline and I'm just sure it is my fault.

I know I need people in my life. It just hurts too much to have them move on, saying that I'm not normal. After the last person moved on, I made a commitment to myself that it would never happen again. I won't give my heart to anyone again. Yeah sure, I'll bump shells and run, but no more friendships that I NEED. No one will ever mean that much to me again. I'm sorry, today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow I'll write something happier.

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Ask The Band: Broke, Broken, And Confused

After a year of healing, putting my life back together, and seeing more doctors then a medical school could hold, I'm here.

Lost.

Broken.

Broke.

The prosecuting attorney promised so much. The prosecutor hid so much.

The prosecutor got his win.

I got forgotten.

After months of waiting, crying, trying to forget, I get a call stating it's no longer a quiet plea agreement. No. It's a public trial by jury.

I was reassured it would never go that far. Was told mounting medical bills would be covered by restitution.

The judge got personal at sentencing. Couldn't blame him. No restitution for me or the second girl. When you put a man in prison for raping you, he gets 25 years. Can't exactly be sued.

Now I'm cutting my psych medication in half to save money. Two months behind on rent. Two kids. No medical coverage. No financial assistance. Can't even get a loan.

Anyone have any advice?

Have sold some inherited rings. I've cut costs of food by skipping all but one meal every day. Same with my fiancee.

Scared.

Hungry.

Running out of options.

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My Cousin

A while back, I went to Mexico to visit some of my family for my 15th birthday. I wanted a traditional celebration. I stayed with my family and I spent the night with my 19-year old cousin.

It happened December 29th 2013, nine days after I arrived.

I fell asleep in his room. He molested me. Then, he raped me. Somehow he convinced me we were in love; the way he acted was natural.

I knew we weren't - he held me down and covered my mouth as he raped me. That's not love.

He gave me a stuffed animal before I returned home. I tore the head off the stuffed animal to send a message to my family.

No one noticed.

I finally told my mom that my cousin had raped me. At first, she was very supportive. My cousin offered to marry me but I knew he trying to save himself. My mom took me to a psychiatrist to help me deal with the rape. After one visit, the doctor recommended me to five inpatient psychiatric wards. My mom never took me back to that doctor.

She said I was lying about the rape.

I was getting worse. I tried to kill myself three times, but I knew I had to try to get better. I started to talk to people again, leaning on them for support, and forgetting the assault.

One day, my mom slapped me, grabbed me by the neck and called me a "whore" and a "bitch." She later apologized. I wasn't upset with her because I knew she was very sad about what had happened to me; plus, she was high on drugs.

I felt beautiful before it happened. I believed it when people called me "beautiful."

Now, I can't even look in the mirror.

I pray to God that my family won't have to pay for what happened. I pray for my mother.

Most of all, I pray that this is a nightmare I will wake from in the morning.

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Why Am I A Monster?

I stand here, a shell of a man, alone, and without direction to find a path. I am a compulsive liar and I have been all my life. I have hurt and destroyed everything that is near and dear to my heart.

I have almost no friends, no family, and no love to call my own. I am defeated, at rock bottom, and needing to hear from someone why and what I need to do. I know everyone has a story, and I know some are worse off than me, but why can’t I stop lying? My childhood was a mess - abusive father and a mother who blamed her children for her life’s problems. I would cry for love and attention, but I never got it, just yelling and beating. Through high school, I would lie for attention, say things to be cool, yet get caught and pay by getting beaten up, or worse.

 I have lost every relationship and every woman I have ever loved because I would lie about the smallest things, and then the biggest things. From a failed marriage, I have a child. That is the only reason I haven’t killed myself. I have another child that I gave up the rights to because I was ashamed someone would never like me with a child. Now that child is 17 and wants to see me, but she knows the evil person I am.

I met a beautiful woman two years ago. She was life and beauty and love, a healer and a spiritual woman. She showed me love like never before, showed me how to be grateful for life and to love and help others. She loved my 8 year old daughter. It was a beautiful relationship, but I gave her my lies to make her love me. I lied and told her I was receiving cancer treatments, so she would hold me tighter to her. Why would someone lie about having cancer when so many people die from it? Why did I feel the need to put lies in the most beautiful relationship I have ever found? She accepted me despite my bullshit past. I told her I was healing every day.

Now I have nothing because I lied about having cancer and said the chemotherapy made me sterile, Now she knows the truth because she become pregnant 6 weeks ago. She has left me and is having an abortion. I am devistated that I have destroyed this amazing woman's soul.

I am lost and ashamed. I am a failure and a coward. Who does this, and why? I look back and can’t believe this is what I have made of my life. It's like it just happens. I don't think about it. I don't wake up and say I am going to hurt someone today. God, all I want is to be loved and cared for and I keep destroying those chances. The pain I feel is to much to take anymore. I'm afraid for myself, and the ones I have hurt. 

I know I am a good person inside. I feel her pain and the pain of the others I have hurt. I want to be better. For the first time ever, I want to make my life mean something. I want to give back to the people who have trusted me and believed in me, when all I ever did was lie. Change must happen today, or I am done.

Why am I am monster when all I ever wanted to be was something beautiful to the world?

 

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