I'm the strong one in our relationship, just admit it.
No matter the hateful, violent words you say, I'm right here with "I love you no matter what," and "you are an amazing boyfriend."
The minute that you catch a hint of me being upset, you run the other way.
I don't yell or say nasty things like you, yet you don't know how to handle me? Am I so terrible? You don't have to deal with my anger almost every day, yet I'm the bad person?
You just get to yell and scream whenever and to whoever that you want.
Who am I supposed to go to when I'm angry?
Oh that's right.
Because you want me completely alone.
You want a fight? Well, good luck trying to break me bitch.
We had a meteorological anomaly occur here in Texas a couple of weeks ago. We had some arctic air from Canada push south and give us 77 degree (Fahrenheit) high temperatures in July. Now, up until then, I had never considered myself a fan of arctic air from Canada. Polar vortex, anyone? However, here in the swamps of East Texas, July generally brings with it highs in the upper 90s (Fahrenheit), and when you add in our humidity, that's pretty rough.
Of course, the upper 90s are nothing compared to what we've been gifted with in August and September here these last few years. Remember Tropical Storm Lee, that left most of Texas burning? Yeah, minus the fires, that kind of drought and heat is our normal August and September. So I generally don't complain about the upper 90s in July, because as hot as that is, it ain't nothing to a Texan.
So when we got that arctic Canadian air a couple of weeks ago, I got all happy. In the pants. I did the happy dance. My happy dance scared the neighbors, so I had to come inside and dance with my dog. Thank heaven she is used to me, and just wagged her tail because she knew that a treat would be forthcoming after I was dizzy from dancing with her.
Then the arctic air retreated back to Canada where it belongs, and we went back to business as usual. Until I saw something weird on twitter. One of the weather geeks I follow tweeted a picture of a map of the USA that showed east Texas in a blue blob next week. While 86F may not seem that cool to a lot of people, here in the swamps of East Texas, a forecast of 86F on August 1? Does not happen.
Except it just did. And it has me shopping for puppy treats so I can get my dog to do the happy dance with me.
I am a horrible person.
I have been married for over 5 years. My husband is a good, kind man. But he doesn't meet my needs in the ways I need. He is not super affectionate; he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, he doesn't flirt with me. He rarely comes to me for sex (though he's not going elsewhere, either). He's an extreme introvert, and a poor communicator. I've talked to him numerous times about what I need from him in those ways. He says he will try--and doesn't. I still love him more than life.
For my job, I had to take an extended trip--three weeks with another co-worker. This co-worker told me on this trip that for the entire time I have been at my job, he has had an interest in me. That has grown into something a lot more. He is a good man--single, nice, funny, affectionate. He tells me I'm beautiful, I'm important. He flirts with me. He makes me feel alive. I didn't have more than friendship feelings for him before, but that has exploded into something much more.
I kissed him at some point on the trip. I'm not sure why--I just got it into my head I wanted to. This wasn't his intention--I know it wasn't. We swore that was it--it was the elephant in the room, now it was over, we knew what it was like, and it was done.
But it wasn't done.
We didn't have sex, but we did practically everything else on this trip. It felt natural, and the chemistry was unlike anything I have ever experienced--not even with my husband. Since we've returned, nothing has happened, but we flirt. We talk about our next work trip. We text constantly. We hide it from everyone at work.
Now I'm in trouble. I love them both. My husband is comfortable and kind, respectable and smart. He cares for me. My co-worker is exciting, he communicates how he is feeling, he flirts, and tells me every chance he can how important I am to him. He struggles because he wants me in his arms, and hates that I can't be there. He knows he wants more than I can give him, but he would never ask me for it.
I want them both. I love them both. I can't imagine life without either. But one I have to hide, and the other I have to lie to. And you can't have both.
How did I get into this mess? I am going to destroy three hearts with my own already split in two.
I am broken.
Last Thursday, I woke up pregnant. I went to bed with an empty womb.
This is my third miscarriage. I have one daughter, who is amazing.
This pregnancy was an accident. It was a happy surprise. For 10 weeks, I was going to be a new mommy again. On Thursday, I learned the baby died the week before. The doctor gave me a choice of letting it happen naturally or having it taken care of that day. Because the natural miscarriages can be unpredictable, we chose a D & C (dilation and curattage).
Since the surgery, I have felt such unbelievable sadness. I am really trying to be happy and pull myself together for my daughter and my husband. But the bruise on my hand from the IV sticks out on my pale skin.
It has been six days and the sadness presses on. I wish that I had a fast forward button on my life. Fast-forward to the post-op appointment to see if he can tell me what went wrong. Fast-forward to a time when I have moved on and am happy again.
You are going to make mistakes, a lot of them.
Like seriously, A LOT.
Mistakes are okay to make as long as you learn from them.
You will make the mistake of letting people tell you who you are, not learning the first time, and believing the hate.
All of that means nothing to you now, you are probably laughing and saying to yourself "I would never do that!"
When you end up in multiple mentally abusive relationships, get out of there at the first sign! Believe me, you try so, so hard and it doesn't work.
That doesn't make you a failure though, it was their fault for not putting in equal effort and treating you right.
You aren't fat, stop starving yourself.
You shouldn't cut, put the knife down.
You don't have to struggle alone, tell someone.
You aren't a bother, speak up.
You don't expect to much, keep your own standards.
I love you, Younger Self. When you grow up, make sure to remember to love yourself as well.
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