EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER

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A little more than a year ago, I was a victim of workplace bullying. The bullies got me fired from two jobs and as a result, I had a mental breakdown. It wasn’t pretty.

I’ve worked in one specific field for the last ten years, but I promised myself I would never go back to it because they had ruined it for me. I let my certification lapse. I gave up. If it weren’t for the love I got from The Band, I don’t know how I would have survived.

Today I am going back to work. 

Not just any work, either. I’m going back into my chosen profession and I’m excited about it. I love my job and always have, even when it was stressful and exhausting, so going back to it is a wonderful feeling.

My dose of happy is my new job and the knowledge that the bullies may have hurt me, but they didn’t win. I won’t let them!

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What's your Happy?

Don't think you have one? Look harder. Something will make you smile today. 

We want to know! 

Share it with the world on your blog and then link up below, tweet it out (hashtag #DOHMonday #WithTheBand) or share it on Facebook. Whatever you want to do, do it. Just find a bit of happy in this Monday! 

Most of us, well, we've been through some garbage in our lives - and we've given power to a lot of people who simply don't deserve it.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We here at Band Back Together are shining the spotlight on ALL survivors. Depression, Abuse, Trauma.

It's time to take back the power. Tell us how YOU have taken the power back in your life!

Society talks a lot about empowerment. Let's empower the women, let's empower the minorities, let's empower the dogs, empower the trees, empower the third world, empower the whales, empower the children, empower the differently abled. There's nothing wrong with any of that; these are all very noble pursuits. These are all things that need to be done.

However, I could never figure out how any of that applied to the real world as I understood it. Of course, having trouble figuring out how anything applied to the real world as I understood it wound up being a huge part of my addiction. I tried to make life fit my world-vision rather than trying to understand my place in the world at large.

Through the process of working the 12 steps, I have learned that life will never fit my world-vision. That's okay today, because the flip side is that once I accept that life is life (and I can't change it) I can begin to harness the power of the universe, and I can live happy, joyous, and free.

Having survived addiction, more than one abusive relationship, car accidents that should have killed me, prison, and other random shit, I realized that I was powerless over a lot of stuff.

Now, how does powerlessness over addiction or diseased thought processes relate to our April theme "Take Back The Power"? How does accepting my individual powerlessness relate to taking back the power? Well, let me try to explain it.

Once I admitted that I was powerless over my addiction (and the sick thought processes that go along with it that led me into abusive relationships, reckless driving, prison, and other random shit), I had to seek some power from some other source. It was too painfully obvious that I, alone, had none.

Where did I find this power? From fellow recovering addicts; from you beautiful folks here at The Band; from a power greater than myself. My Higher Power speaks to me through all of you, through other people in recovery (whether it is recovery from addiction, surgery, cancer, or whatever else), and through the wonders that surround me every day.

Finding power, for me, started when I admitted and accepted that I had no power on my own. That is not to say that I am a weak, useless creature. It just means that I had no way of doing anything BY MYSELF. It took a fellowship of like-minded people to help me stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live. It took people who cared about victims of domestic violence to help me find a way to break the cycle and find a healthy relationship based on dignity and trust. It took a whole Band of strangers to help me realize that we are all connected, regardless of the individual circumstances that make any of us feel different and alone.

Today, together, we together can do what not one of us can do alone. Together, we can recover, we can break the cycle of violence, we can survive loss, we can survive illness. Although each of us alone may be powerless over something, together we can harness the power of the human spirit and do some powerful shit. Together, we are damn near unstoppable.

It took admitting I was powerless for me to find some power and strength. It took admitting I had a problem to find a solution to what ailed me and my life. It took a lot of help to do that; I didn't do it alone. It took a village to raise this child.

Thank you, each and every one, for being part of my village. Thank you, each and every one of you (addicts and earthlings alike) for helping me find the power to recover from addiction. Thank you for helping me harness the power of God as I understand it and break the cycle of domestic abuse. Thank you, each of you, for your quiet, loving acceptance that helps me keep my prison time in the past and gives me a chance to be a normal human being today. Thank you, all of you, for the love that flies through cyberspace when the pain from old injuries prevents me from functioning like ME.

It takes a village to raise a child. Together, WE can do what I cannot do alone. Take back the power. And if you are powerless over something, let's harness our collective power. It's why we're here.

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Last week I participated in a race called The Jailbreak.

Actually, it was more of an adventure. I just wasn't content to try a regular old 5K, I had to go for the one that included obstacles. Things like crawling through a drainage pipe, climbing a wet and muddy A-frame with a soaking wet rope, carrying concrete weights while weaving through barrels, and crawling through a mud pit to get to the finish line.

Climbing the cargo net was possibly the single scariest thing I've ever done in my life - especially when I had to go over the top - but I made it, shaky hands and all.

 

After an extremely long, thorough shower, I discovered some spectacular cuts and bruises under all that mud that I consider to be proof of my bravery. I also discovered one heck of a sunburn, thanks to running in Texas in the afternoon with no sunblock.

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself.

A couple of months ago I couldn't even get behind the wheel of a car I was so scared, and now I'm an official Jailbreak Escapee.

You'd better believe I'm doing it again next year.

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What's your Happy?

Don't think you have one? Look harder. Something will make you smile today. 

We want to know! 

Share it with the world on your blog and then link up below, tweet it out (hashtag #DOHMonday #WithTheBand) or share it on Facebook. Whatever you want to do, do it. Just find a bit of happy in this Monday! 

Child abuse is a hidden epidemic that can happen in any family, and its effects are felt all the way through adulthood.

This is her story.

I must have said that growing up a million times. "No really, I'm fine."

It's only been recently that I've discovered that whatever I'm feeling screams across my face. Here I thought I was a good liar. Seems not so much.

I guess people just decided not to press me any further when it seemed like I didn't want to talk about whatever was going on with me. And that's a respectable response. Don't push when it seems like the other person doesn't want to talk. It worked in my favor growing up. Or maybe to my detriment.

Now this has to be about one of the hardest posts I've ever written but I think that a large part of the reason that I can't find anything to write about is because I refuse to write about what comes to my head but it just seems so wrong to say out loud. Seems like a betrayal. But I guess that is how it plays out when you talk about abuse. If the abused felt free to talk about what was going on, my guess would be there would be far less abuse.

At least, that would be my hope.

I'm not one to not talk about myself. Anyone that knows me knows that. I'm sure some would wish I talked far less, but that's not my nature. I figure that whatever my story, whatever my pain, maybe it will help someone else.

I've also learned from therapy that keeping it all bottled up is just not a good thing. But there are some things that I almost never talk about. And like I said before, it seems like a sort of betrayal to say what happened to me out loud.

But I'm tired of being bound by the...hell, I don't know what to even call it. Fear? Shame? I think a large part of me really doesn't want this to turn into a pity party. Because that is not my goal. But again, if one person reads this and finds a little bit of healing, then it's worth it. And maybe it will go a little way towards my own healing and possibly explain me a little better.

Growing up was absolutely horrible for me.

I spent my whole growing up bound by the invisible gag of fear. I was abused as a child and even some when I was into my teens. I think what was going on in my teens had more to do with the fear that was so expertly instilled in me when I was younger. Sadly, I thought this was normal. At least to a degree. And I most certainly knew never to talk about it. To anyone, ever.

So I sat as a quiet, lonely child with a storm brewing inside. I look at my girls and see the brilliant life they possess and wonder how I seemed to others when they watched me. Wonder if they looked at me and thought me quiet and reserved or if anyone wondered. If they did, no one ever said anything.

Right now, my palms are sweating. My body temperature is elevated. 35 years old and I still have a very visceral reaction to my abuse. It has taken me 25 minutes to write what you have read in two. Ugh!!

The bruises were strategic so that only if I specifically showed you, there would be no way that you would know anything was wrong.

I remember being eleven years old and telling my gym teacher that I was cramping from my period and couldn't participate in PE. I was still three years away from actually getting my period. Actually at that age, I didn't even know what happened during your period. All I knew was that it happened to girls.

So I sat at the edge of the bleachers because my backside was so bruised, I couldn't sit on the hard surface for any length of time. The thought of running around in PE seemed excruciating. I wonder if he thought anything about the fact that I seemed to constantly be on my period.

Instances like that happened quite frequently growing up.

All the stories you see on television about a woman making excuses about hitting the door knob. She fell down the stairs. She knocked into whatever. That's how it is. Your mind spins looking for what could be a valid excuse for why you are hurt, because that is what you do. You cover it up.

So I left that house but I carried it inside of me for a very long time. I have trust issues out the ass. Another gift I received. Couple the abuse with constantly being told that people were innately bad and only wanted to use me and wham-o, here comes the crazy.

But then I hit rock bottom. I accidentally took too many prescription pills one night and almost died and knew I had to pick a different way to live. Five years of crazy therapy of all sorts and deciding to no longer live in fear and here I am.

Life.

Wide.

Open.

I'm no longer the quiet, scared girl in the corner, watching life pass me. I've decided to jump in with both feet and experience whatever comes my way. Sure, there are people that are just as she described. People whose only purpose is to use those around them to serve their own selfishness. But there are also a whole lot of other people, really good people that I am glad I get to experience.

I've hurt greatly but I've also experienced love in a way that I never would have if I kept to myself. And I'm only 35. I've got a whole lot of life left to live and a whole lot of great people still to meet. Maybe the great love of my life. But I can't do that if stay bound by my fear.

So today, I make the first step and acknowledge the grave injustices done to me. And I take another step down the road of healing, feeling a little lighter as I cast off the shrouds of guilt and shame.

Because no really, today I actually am fine.

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Band Back Together has been nominated for Best Group or Community Weblog in the 2013 Bloggies! Visit their site to vote and check out the other categories!

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There's a great satisfaction in a job well-done. 

It's even sweeter when that job is a personal passion. 

I volunteer here at The Band Back Together Project not for the glory or a fat paycheck. I give of myself without compensation for two big reasons:

1) I believe that sharing my stories gives my life a purpose. Through sharing I am helping myself to heal as well as possibly helping someone else.

2) I passionately believe that we are changing the world. With each resource page, story shared, or comment we are showing the world that these topics matter and they shouldn't be kept in the dark. We are kicking stigma's booty on a daily basis. 

To wake up this weekend and see that Band Back Together had been nominated for a Bloggie Award** was the ultimate in "pats on the back."

Not for me, but for all of us. 

All who share their stories or offer comments of support. We're busting stigma and the world is taking notice.

And that's one heck of a Dose of Happy!

**Band Back Together is nominated in the

BEST GROUP OR COMMUNITY WEBLOG category. 

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What's your Happy?

Don't think you have one? Look harder. Something will make you smile today. 

We want to know! 

Share it with the world on your blog and then link up below, tweet it out (hashtag #DOHMonday #WithTheBand) or share it on Facebook. Whatever you want to do, do it. Just find a bit of happy in this Monday!