For most people, reaching out to someone who is grieving or knowing what to say to them is a very difficult thing to do. This comes naturally for some, but if we're really honest, it's awkward and scary for most of us.
One of the main reasons it's so awkward is that nobody wants to remind someone that they are sad. If only one thing can be said in this space, it should be said that "You cannot remind someone who has lost a loved one, that they have lost a loved one. They will never forget. YOU are not going to remind them because they carry it with them all the time."
Knowing the stages of grief will help you understand some of the things they are feeling: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Also knowing that there is no timeline on grief, that it can take a year or ten or forever, will help you understand the person you are trying to comfort.
There are ways you can help someone who is grieving, some by talking and some by caring actions. Some examples are included here, but the resources at the bottom of the page will help you dig a little deeper into ways to help someone who is grieving.
- Listen with compassion. Acknowledge their feelings, whether they are angry or sad or just feeling low.
- Let the bereaved talk about their loved one and don't act uncomfortable. Understanding that talking about their loved one is helping them remember is key.
- Offer to help them with normal, daily tasks like picking up groceries, mowing the lawn, paying bills (especially if they have never been the one to do that).
- Take them to lunch and remember to call. This is especially important weeks and months later when the visitors and cards have come to a halt.
- Pay attention to warning signs for depression or suicide. Make sure the bereaved is taking care of themselves by seeing a doctor, dentist, therapist or other professional. It's easy to neglect yourself when grieving.
- Know that a squeeze of a hand or a big hug shows you love them and are thinking of them. You don't always have to have a large conversation, but a small gesture will go a long way.
- Share your stories of their loved one, remember them and celebrate them with the bereaved.
- Don't invalidate their feelings like telling them not to cry or not to feel guilty. These are normal parts of grieving and should be gone through, not around.
Resources:
Supporting a Grieving Person - Ways to help someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
How to Help a Grieving Person - Other ideas for helping the bereaved deal with the death of someone in their life.
Journey of Hearts - Ideas for helping others cope with grief.
Solace Tree - Helping adults, teens and children cope with the loss of a loved one.
