I'm green in so many ways.

I try to be a hippie, sometimes even a dirty one. I'm trying to go green. My parents are my landlords, so I'm trying to convince them to add solar panels and other eco-friendly, energy efficient upgrades for which my house is past due.  So far, it's been a very slow process.

Efficient siding and rain barrels, they went for. Solar panels and new insulation - not so much. (Half of my house doesn't even have insulation!) We do have a push mower with the spinning blades of doom for our tiny front yard, as opposed to the gas/electric mowers for the giant backyard. Going green and losing weight for the win!

I'm also kind of jealous. Of most people. But, oh well. I just try to be a better person to make up for it. This is where my other greens come in.

Let's start with my garden. I like to pretend I have a green thumb. Every spring I get a ladybug up my ass and start herbs and other assorted greenery. I plant them, water them, watch them grow. By mid-summer I'm staring at my dead, stick-like tomato plants and cursing my husband for weed-whacking my chives, again.

Once, I accidentally grew a small pecan tree in my herb garden. Well, a squirrel hid a pecan in the pot, and I was confused, because all that survived winter was the oregano. I ripped out the small tree and pecan it was growing out of - it wasn't oregano.

My neighbor gave me an orchid (not the pretty, single-stem kind Aunt Becky obsesses over).  It's the oldest plant I have, and I kept it for two whole years. Sure, it got beat up by hail this year. And during summer and winter, which it doesn't tolerate well, it always turns a nasty color and loses at least one leaf (which are giant, non-dainty leaves). Then I panic and put it in the shed in my backyard for two months.  The shed has fans and windows in summer, and in winter we close the windows and make the dryer expel its heat into the shed (awesome, right?).

This year, these last few months, I've started a small herb and vegetable collection.  I have 3 moneymaker tomatoes, 4 creole tomatoes, 2 different blueberries, a blackberry, 2 strawberries, 4 bell peppers, a santa fe grande pepper, tobasco pepper, ancho/poblano pepper, Swiss chard,  cucumber, cantaloupe, and assorted herbs like rosemary, oregano, parsley, and lavender.  I'm rocking this gardening thing. Everything is green and upright; it's totally awesome!

DaVinci put in a garden bed for me; my tomatoes and peppers and chard are thriving there now.  If it all survives summer, we're putting in worm tubes. Next year he's giving me a smallish bed for my berries, and another big bed for vine-y things like my cucumbers. This is why I needed rain barrels. Also, green is the new black.

My mom says I like gardening because I'm a newlywed (at a whopping three years) and want a baby.  Let's be clear that I have a tendency to hate most children, but it's the parents' fault, usually. I would like to be a mother one day. One day - no twoday.  (See what I did there?)

I'm untreated bipolar and barely surviving as it is. I'm gardening because a) I'd like to be able to afford food in this sucky economy; b) it's a really fun hobby that gets me outside (Ed Note: BOO-YEAH! -AB); c) I'd like to prove to myself I can be self-sufficient-ish; d) it makes me feel good about my place in the world; and e) it's neither traumatic nor illegal to kill a plant from neglect or misguidance.

Larval humans don't have all those benefits. Most importantly the last one.

I'm not ready to be a mom. No, I totally get that no one is. But me? I'm terrified I'll snap and drive my kids into the river while chanting bible verses at them. Or I'll feed my kid honey, because honey is delicious, and his brain will explode. That's what happens, right? Brains explode?

What if my kid is colorblind like my husband? Or crazy like me? Or allergic to seafood? What if my kids tell someone I hit them, because believing in spankings and being Bipolar are a dangerous combination? What if I run away from them in the night? What if we don't even survive pregnancy?

Diapers and baby food make me gag, except for that banana stuff - so delicious (the food stuff, not banana diaper stuff.  Is there banana diaper stuff?).

I don't feel bad when kids cry; it doesn't faze me. They can be as sad as they want, or violent. Temper tantrums don't affect me. I don't know how to deal with teaching new things, like using a toilet or spoon.

I personally know two good moms: DaVinci's sister and mother.  His mother's bonkers like me but worse, much worse. His sister is a super-fantastic woman and school teacher. Both have raised families I am proud to be a part of today. But these are the only good moms I've seen. I'm sure there are more out there.

Hell, this site is full of women I'm sure do their very best. You are wonderful women. I'd like to be a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom. I'm so afraid I'll raise an asshole or that I'll hit my kid back when she throws a tantrum and hits me, all because she can't speak and ask for what she wants.

I'm terrified that being new to parenting - being "green" - will be my downfall. New moms seem to blossom and become a spring or grassy shade of green, and I'm scared my green will look like moldy pea soup.

Gardens are easy to handle. What happens if I forget to water my kids?