I'm using "adventure" loosely here.
We found out four days ago that my son is at "high risk" for autism. I was only worried about his lack of language (he's two and only says "mama," "dada," and "licky, licky"), but his new pediatrician noticed other signs - signs my husband and I just thought were cute parts of his personality. Instead, they are signs of something wrong - signs that I didn't see or that I was told to "wait and see" about.
I am waiting for an appointment with the doctors at Children's Hospital here in Seattle; we should have an appointment date by the end of next week. This limbo time is the worst.
Right now I watch him more closely, differently, taking note of any and all "quirks" to tell the doctors and let them decide what is and isn't important. I noticed two tonight that hit me like bricks (one fairly literally). One, he really doesn't enjoy change. A song came on the satellite radio (one he had never heard before), and when it ended and the new song came on, he threw a fit and gave me a fat lip. It took everything I had not to cry - not from physical pain but from emotional pain.
The other hurts far more. I watch as his sister (Lil' Miss), who is four, tries so desperately to engage him - to interact, play ball, or dress up. He doesn't want a thing to do with her. Well, actually, he pretty much doesn't want anything to do with just about everyone. He will sit on us to watch a show for a moment, get our attention by throwing food he wants at us, or come to us for a hug (or hit us) if he's mad/upset/hungry/hurt. But I feel so much hurt for my daughter who wants so badly to be his big sister and play with him. In a few years she's gonna want to teach him how to tie his shoes and how to throw a ball, and he won't want anything to do with her.
Those are the moments that make my heart ache. Those are the moments that I hope beyond everything that there is another explanation for his "quirks."
Those are the moments I doubt myself as a mom.
I love both of my kiddos - always have and always will. No matter what, no matter the diagnoses (or the lack thereof), their behavior, choices in the future, boyfriends/girlfriends, sexuality, none of it matters to me. I will ALWAYS love them, and I treasure that I get to be their Mommy.
Being their mommy makes me prouder than they will ever know.
