This is a follow up to the post "Hoping this Year Will Be Better than the Last."
I wanted to give an update two weeks after I began school, but I waited in case things changed or anything significant happened.
I'm surviving for now.
My first day was awkward, yet some things did surprise me. If you recall my last post, I was afraid that people would question why I was there or why I didn't graduate last year. Everyone always questions the new girl - that's understandable.
However, the response I got from my class was unexpected. While I was scared and anxious about their questions, that didn't happen. In fact, they don't question me about anything. Or talk to me. Or try to befriend me.
In fact, I might as well be invisible.
Isn't this what I wanted? I didn't want anyone to pry into my personal life or ask what happened last year or why I had to take time of school. Did I get what I wished for? I certainly didn't to be interrogated with questions, but I didn't want to be completely ignored, either!
It's not all bad, though.
There is one person in my class who is kind enough to sit with me in one of our classes, and talks to me a little about homework or class projects. We aren't friends necessarily just yet - like we don't hang out outside of class - but she's nice enough to get to know me.
On my second day, when I told her I had to take time off because I got sick (I'm sticking with the vague responses here, like The Band suggested), all she said was "Oh that's understandable. There was a person in the class last year, too, and they had to take time off." I liked that she respected me and my privacy enough to not ask me further details.
If I'm trying to be optimistic - I can appreciate that there's ONE person who seems to be genuinely kind. All it takes is one person; I know that's a cliché, but for me it's absolutely true. At least having someone in my class who can help me makes each day a little more bearable. There's another person, too, who I am working with on a team assignment, and he's nice enough to say hello to me in the hallways, unlike the others who just walk on by.
The other students, though, have been unwelcoming and cold. I knew there were going to be established cliques as everyone already has a close group of friends. But I didn't expect it to be this horrible.
I wonder if they think I'm a bitch because I'm quiet and keep to myself - but that's not it. I'm quiet because I don't want to draw attention to myself. I just wanted to blend in. It's not like I'm 100% silent; I actively participate during class discussions. I don't hesitate when I have to speak publically. I'm not shy and I never was. I'm just a apprehensive and closely guarded because I'm dealing with teen bipolar disorder. When I was manic, I was too talkative, hyper, and outgoing.
I've not experienced the depressive phases of teen bipolar disorder, though I do have short moments where I feel down.
Like on the bus home yesterday, there were two people in front of me (the only people talking on the bus) talking about their friend who was dealing with some issues. I didn't know these strangers, but the way they were describing their friend sounded eerily like me. They said their friend was afraid to trust, had issues with her parents, was left heartbroken last year and still unable to heal from it, emotionally mistreated, and a bunch of other things. I don't know why, but these two strangers describing their friend made me sad because I knew exactly how their friend was feeling.
Then, when I was shopping yesterday this song came on that reminded me of my childhood friend, Jason*. Our families were friends, so we grew up together. When we went off to college, he choose a school very far from our hometown.
I haven't seen him since last year over dinner when I visited. I got nostalgic, hearing that song, since most of my childhood memories involved him. I wished those times still existed. Though we rarely see each other anymore, our families still keep in touch.
Will Jason accept me if he knows about my illness? I never told him about it - when I was diagnosed, he was already away at college. I don't want to tell him because he’s the one person I’ve been friends with longest, and I don’t want him to look at me differently.
I wish I had a friend like Jason at school. Instead I'm constantly feeling excluded - my last year in college wasn't like this. The first few days, some people introduced themselves, and were cordial and seemingly friendly.
Most of them are okay, it's just this one girl that really made me upset, which is probably what's clouding my judgement; making me wonder if they're all like her.
This is what happened.
Our class was divided into groups to do a project. As the people in my group were comparing notes, I saw one of the papers in this girl’s binder. Something big was written across one of the pages, but I couldn't make it out, because I was sitting across from her, but I thought I saw my name. What she scribbled down was "Crazy Heather."
It seemed a little suspicious because she sort of tried to hide the paper after she saw me looking at it.
I thought, "Why did she write my name? And why did she write 'crazy'?" I've been keeping to myself, not drawing attention to myself, and being nice to everyone so I can make a good impression. Is being a little shy considered crazy nowadays?
I overanalyzed, then I tried to rationalize the situation. Did she really even write my name? She may have written Carey & Heather because Carey was the other person in our group - maybe she was just writing down the names of our group.
If not, why did she write my name like that? I pictured her talking to her friends about me, laughing behind my back because they thought it was pathetic that I hadn't made any friends yet. How could I make friends with these people if they don't want to be friends with me? Why would I even want to be friends with people who act this fake?
When I first met her, she acted all nice, so I thought she was a nice, genuine girl, but now I know it was insincere - she was putting on a front.
Besides the few people I mentioned and maybe a few more others, the rest of my class couldn't care less about me. It really sucks because it's making me miss my wonderful, supportive class from last year.
I'm not going to confront her because I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama that would add more disconnect between me and my classmates. As much as I say I don’t care what they think, it still hurts.
So I'm trying to focus on finishing this semester so I can finally leave. I look forward to the weekends where I can sleep and rest.
I am challenging myself to be more grateful so I can concentrate on the good things in my life. Every night I try to write down things I'm grateful for before I got to sleep. It's a practice I learned from my sister, and she's the most at-peace person I know. I tell myself I'm lucky to have a good family and a roof over my head.
I'm trying to get some perspective.
I suppose it helps to just write everything out. Thank you The Band for being supportive of my last post - you're all awesome. And many thanks for listening to my ramblings.
*names have been changed
You, The Band, have been nominated for three Bloggies (kinda the Oscars of blogging).
If you'd like to vote and read some of the other blogs that are also nominated (tons of great ones!), you may do so here. But no pressure.10 Comments