It's an ugly thing, jealousy - it doesn't serve any good purpose. I try not to be jealous but I can't help it. I'm riddled with jealousy. I have many things to be grateful for, and yet I still feel cheated.
I like to think I'm a decent human being - I try to do the right things. I'm kind, rule-abiding, and I work my ass off. I'm currently married to a great guy who knows most of my flaws and still loves. I have two children who I love more than anything. I have a job, a place to live, and food on the table. I have a few friends who are more like family - that's a blessing. I'm healthy. I'm not in too much debt and I'm rebuilding my credit, and I'm now on the border of fair and good which is a huge improvement.
But I'm sad all the time.
Despite trying my best, I've had to file bankruptcy, I've had my car repossessed, I've had my lights shut off, my bank account levied. I've been laid-off and I've been disowned. I've been involved in three car accidents - none were my fault - but all caused huge problems and inconveniences. I've had to deal with all those things on my own - dig my way out on my own.
I know that what you see is always what's really going with others, I still feel jealous of so many people. I don't want other people to have difficult lives; I just wish mine was a little easier.
I've fought for everything I have - no one has given me anything. I've never had support or guidance. I didn't have parents who encouraged my interests, gave me compliments or told me they loved me. Instead, I had parents who chose their respective mates over me.
As a child, I had parents who decided it was too much work to drive me to dance class every week. They could afford the lessons, I loved to dance, and I was good at it, but they wouldn't drive me. If I did something well, it was treated as an expectation - I wasn't praised. If I did something bad, I was made to feel like a terrible person.
As a teen, I had parents who never had anything to say to me unless it was criticism. I had step-parents who did nothing but complain about the way I was and compare me to their "perfect little angels" - my younger siblings - who I now have no relationship with.
As a college student, I was so very lonely. We moved to another country where I found it difficult to make friends. The culture shock was too much. I had nothing in common with anyone and no one to hang out with. I got into bad relationship after bad relationship, neglected my school work, and made many self-destructive decisions.
Somehow I managed to graduate from college. Even that was not a happy or fulfilling occasion - I had no one in my corner, no one to celebrate with. I watched my fellow graduates and their families taking pictures, getting flowers and balloons and making plans for graduation parties. There I was: just me.
Following graduation, I chose to sleep in my car rather than return to my father's house. I had been staying on campus pretty much year-round, even during holidays. Luckily, I found a job near a friend's house, so I stayed with her.
Now, I'm a thirty-something who looks at what other people have (not material things), and all I feel is anger; jealousy over what they have and I don't.
It's not fair.
In my head, I know there are a lot of people who would be happy to have my life, but my heart is having a hard time accepting that. Most of my friends have masters degrees. They've been able to buy a house, they have large savings accounts, jobs they like, they have loving extended families. I couldn't do any of that without help. My friends go on vacations together, which I can never afford to join. They don't do or say anything to make me feel like it, but I'm definitely the odd one out. It hurts very badly, but they're all I've got.
Wanna hear something silly? I have the smallest boobs out of all my friends and even that leaves me feeling "less than."
Everyone I know has happy, healthy, smart children, and I while I have happy children, I also have special needs children. One of my boys is autistic and the other has ADHD. It puts me in a realm that no one I know understands. I feel that much more of the outsider. My life is soooo much different than everyone else I know.
My husband got laid off from his job over a year ago, so I've been the sole breadwinner, which is very difficult. We were having a hard time financially even when he was working, so now it's worse. It's hard on him emotionally. He's embarrassed, so I try extra hard to put on a brave face to not make him feel worse.
That takes a toll on me.
I'm jealous of people who have nice hair. I'm jealous of people who have washers and dryers in their homes. I'm jealous of people who have readily available babysitters. I'm jealous of people who are close with their families. I'm jealous of people who don't have to take their children to three therapy times a week. I'm jealous of people who get time to relax. I'm jealous of people who are shaped proportionately. I'm jealous of people who have left over money after paying their bills. I'm jealous of people who got to live at home after college and save money before venturing out on their own. I'm jealous of people who have friends who live less than two hours away from them.
I get so mad at people - who I don't think deserve it - who always end up smelling like roses. People who always seem to hit the "jackpot." People that I know cheat on their spouses and their taxes. People who I know scam the system for assistance. People who I know are lazy and spoiled. People who I know are mean and selfish and judgmental. People who I know take advantage of others for their own benefit.
Those people: they don't have the same problems I do or the amount of problems that I do, and I resent them.
I'm jealous of them.
It seems there's always some crisis to deal with. As soon as I crawl out of one, another crisis slaps me in the face. I can't ever just let go and enjoy my life and be happy.
MY LIFE IS HARD.
I just want to catch a break. I want something good to be handed to me on a silver platter. I want to stop pretending like I'm happy all the time and everything's fine when the truth is that I'm barely holding on.
I want to get to the point that I can be thankful for the good things I do have.8 Comments