I wrote this months ago it's been sitting in my drafts folder. During those months, I've been pushing and pushing and pushing and trying and trying and trying.
Today is the first day I've felt even close enough to strong to post these words. Today is first day in a couple of weeks that the tears are streaming down my face as I lie quietly alone in the dark.
Late at night you come out to play; whispering "sweet nothings" in my ear:
"You're a burden. No one loves you. You're not worth it. Why bother? What's the point?"
I scream at you all "get out! You're not welcome here. I don't want you here!"
But you never listen, especially at night. Doesn't matter what I say or do, you have a mind of your own.
During the day I can keep you out of my way, or at least at bay. I see you coming and sidestep you. I distract myself. I have things to do. Places to be.
I'm stronger then, in the daylight. I push you out of my way and go on.
If you even bother to show up, I ignore you until you go away.
..but the days when Apathy visits; she's a cruel-hearted one too. In a different way.
You take shifts tormenting me until I don't know what to do anymore.
You play with my mind. My heart. My soul. You torment me until I'm on the verge of collapsing into a million tiny shards. And you hold me there.
Broken, but still somehow together.
For a moment I gather my energy and I push and I push and I push you out of the way.
I swear I'm done with you.
I swear your control over me won't last.
Each new day bring promises: I can move past this. I can show you who's boss. I can make this work. I'm FINE.
Each morning as I drag myself out of bed, I vow that this WILL be the day.
As the hours tick by and the night deepens, I feel the door open and a cool breeze makes me shudder because I know what comes with that breeze.
Despair struts in like he owns the place - here to see Apathy again, without an invitation. He's always the first to arrive and he never fails to invite all of his buddies over for a few games.
Self-Loathing, Frustration and Misery follow Despair, and before I know it, the rest of the crowd filters.
By nightfall they have each crept back into my life. They change into something comfy. Settle in for a long night.
As they crawl into bed with me, they fill my mind with horrible things I already know - over and over - like a broken record.
As much as I try to push them out, as much as I feel determined that they're no longer in charge of my life.
Late at night, when I should be sleeping, they take turns torturing me. As much as I want to...
...I simply can't make them go away.7 Comments