Dear The Band,
The Band, my marriage is falling apart. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I met my husband online in a chat room. We hit it off, met face-to-face and hung out a few times. One weekend, I spent the night and we fell in love. I had no intentions of falling in love with this man - he wasn't my type.
I just couldn't help it - he was the sweetest, most caring man I've ever met. Shortly after we met, he got a DUI. He lived forty-five minutes away from my parents where I lived, so I decided to move in with him. That way, we wouldn't have to be apart. We were smitten.
He's always been a beer drinker - he'd come home from work, have a few beers before dinner, then off to bed. Not a big deal - I grew up with an alcoholic father, who drank vodka from the time his feet hit the floor until he passed out. So drinking a few beers at night was no big thing to me.
Over the years, he's begun to drink more - now, he drinks a thirty-pack of beer in less than two days. When he's not drinking, he's crabby and short-tempered. I've given him choices - his family or the beer. Each time, he looks me in the eyes and says, "I was drinking when you married me, I'm not abusive to you or the kids, so I don't plan to stop drinking."
But I never keep those ultimatums - I give in and forgive him for whatever he's done while drunk. While he's never been physically abusive, he is verbally abusive. The verbal abuse has become bad enough that I've wished he'd slap the shit out of me instead.
I don't want to divorce him because I'm scared to be a single parent. I have no work history, I dropped out of high school my junior year, so I don't have a diploma or GED. I'm scared I'll have to live off the state. I don't want to move into Section 8 Housing. I don't want to struggle to feed my kids, or pay my bills.
My husband has a great job and works on the side. We're far from rich, but our bills are always paid and we always have food on the table.
On the other hand, I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with a man that needs to drink beer. Who is a mean drunk. I'm sick of waking up to my bedroom smelling like stale beer. My kids sleep in our room - they breathe the stench all night long.
I don't want that life for my kids - they deserve better and I know damn well that I deserve better, too.
I just can't find the courage to make myself believe that I can make it on my own.
Yesterday, I gave in and mowed our lawn - which was up to my calves. I'd begged him for weeks to cut it, he kept saying "I will, I will!" He watched television as I mowed.
He used to be handy around the house, always mowed the lawn, every weekend he spent working on home improvements. This past year, though, he seems to have given up and let the beer take over.
I've been taking care of the kids, doing the cleaning and cooking, the laundry, the baths, homework, bedtime, and now I have to do yard work, as well as anything else that needs to be done around the house. If I don't, it won't be done.
Every night, he comes home from work and heads straight to the computer so he can check his email, surf the Internet, and watch television until he's drunk enough for bed. I know he has a disease - addiction - that's taking over (I'm a recovering addict myself).
But I chose my family, got clean, and have been sober for three years. He, on the other hand, doesn't believe he needs treatment. He denies having a drinking problem.
I feel like there's no hope for him to recover. I'm tired - I just want to be happy as a family again. I want my kids to be excited to see Daddy, I want to go out to the park as a family, or have dinner as a family. I feel defeated. I'm tired of nagging him about it - what's the point? He won't listen.
Thanks The Band for listening to me ramble. You rock! I love this site, it's a God send. Every second of my free time, I can be found reading here. I have been touched by your stories!
I've been reading your blog for the past few months and I just wanted to ask you if you can send me just 25% of your courage and wisdom, because you're a MOTHER FUCKING ROCK STAR! Also give Amelia a kiss from me and tell her I'm so proud of her strength. She is beautiful! You are both blessed to have each other.
[Ed Note: you made me cry! Thank you, my sweet friend for your words - you have no idea how much I needed them today.
PS. Mimi says "Hi!" and waved at the computer.]14 Comments