I need a break.

From reality.

From responsibility.

From being a parent.

From being a wife.

From being a daughter.

From being a sister.

From being a friend.

From being me.

I need a break from coming home from a full day of work to a full night of work. Fixing dinner, cleaning up, potty time, bath time, jammie time, story-time, bed time.

It's never ending.

Even when my kids are spouting puppy dogs and rainbows out of their asses, sometimes I look at them, and wish I were laying on a raft in a pool by myself, margarita in one hand, guacamole in the other.

I am tired.

Tired of having to be there for someone somehow 24-hours a day. Tired of the endless responsibilities of adulthood. Tired of society's pressure to be perfect at everything all the time, while looking like I love every minute of it.

Who the hell has time to prepare organic meals, create extensive crafts, sew their kids' clothes and compost? Are you kidding me? Sometimes, I don't have the strength left in me to even brush my teeth before I go to bed, let alone make 1,500 origami cranes for my daughter's class play.

I love my life more than I think anyone I know does, but I need a break from it. I know how blessed I am and thank God for it every single day, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard every now and then.

I know I need a weekend away from it all, but everyone I know is busy, or has kids, or lives far away, or is something. 

I know most of my frustration and stress is the result of my brother's death. That is even more frustrating because it isn't something I can "fix" with diet, or medicine or even therapy. That loss is there forever. I think of the Ray LaMontagne lyric, "You ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness."

I'm mad that our life has been a blur since my son was born six short months ago.

Between colic, moving, and tragic loss, I barely remember his infancy. I feel like I missed the entire "baby period" of my last baby. That really pisses me off.  I want to be able to be there for him more than I have. My daughter, too.

I want another chance.

Without my wonderful husband I would have LOST MY MIND. But I tiptoe around him sometimes, fearful I will make him mad or finally push the button that will show him that he can do better than me. But he just remains perfect, understanding and amazing.

I need a break from being me.

by layladylay; Published on July 07, 2012
Filed under: Murder,  Colic,  Pediatric Caregivers,  Caregiver,  Marriage and Partnership,  How To Help Someone Who Has Lost a Sibling,  How To Help Someone Who Is Depressed,  Loving Someone With Depression,  Personality Types,  Grief,  Loss,  Sibling Loss,  Depression
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