I need a break.
From being a daughter.
From being a sister.
From being a friend.
From being me.
I need a break from coming home from a full day of work to a full night of work. Fixing dinner, cleaning up, potty time, bath time, jammie time, story-time, bed time.
Even when my kids are spouting puppy dogs and rainbows out of their asses, sometimes I look at them, and wish I were laying on a raft in a pool by myself, margarita in one hand, guacamole in the other.
I am tired.
Tired of having to be there for someone somehow 24-hours a day. Tired of the endless responsibilities of adulthood. Tired of society's pressure to be perfect at everything all the time, while looking like I love every minute of it.
Who the hell has time to prepare organic meals, create extensive crafts, sew their kids' clothes and compost? Are you kidding me? Sometimes, I don't have the strength left in me to even brush my teeth before I go to bed, let alone make 1,500 origami cranes for my daughter's class play.
I love my life more than I think anyone I know does, but I need a break from it. I know how blessed I am and thank God for it every single day, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard every now and then.
I know I need a weekend away from it all, but everyone I know is busy, or has kids, or lives far away, or is something.
I know most of my frustration and stress is the result of my brother's death. That is even more frustrating because it isn't something I can "fix" with diet, or medicine or even therapy. That loss is there forever. I think of the Ray LaMontagne lyric, "You ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness."
I'm mad that our life has been a blur since my son was born six short months ago.
Between colic, moving, and tragic loss, I barely remember his infancy. I feel like I missed the entire "baby period" of my last baby. That really pisses me off. I want to be able to be there for him more than I have. My daughter, too.
I want another chance.
Without my wonderful husband I would have LOST MY MIND. But I tiptoe around him sometimes, fearful I will make him mad or finally push the button that will show him that he can do better than me. But he just remains perfect, understanding and amazing.
I need a break from being me.8 Comments