One in every four diagnosed pregnancies ends tragically in miscarriage.
Here is her story.
Last weekend was such a happy one. We announced that our 8-month old daughter was going to be a big sister in January. A surprise sibling, but a wanted one.
Then came Tuesday. A routine OB appointment. The doctor was using an ultrasound to check the heartbeat--she didn't want to scare me since the baby was still so young and it might be hard to find.
The image on the screen? I knew it wasn't right, and the doctor's "Oh, Tracy..." confirmed it. There was something wrong with my baby. It had stopped growing 3 weeks prior. The baby we announced wasn't, and hadn't been, for some time.
I had been ignorantly happy.
Blissfully unaware.
Planning.
Dreaming.
Hoping.
That Friday I had a D&C (dilation and curettage). I knew it would be easier than miscarrying at home. I hoped the procedure would speed up the emotional healing.
It didn't.
Today? Yesterday? Friday? I cried. I want to stop. I want to heal. I want to move on.
I used to be excited about the future, now I'm afraid. I want more children - soon. I need to know I can do this again. But what if I can't? What if I miscarry (such an ugly, guilt riddling word) again? How can I survive this twice?
I have a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I'm lucky. Her smiles light up the room, but it's hard to play with her. It's hard to be happy for her. She's my bundle of joy, but just telling her I love her hurts. Our night time prayer makes me cry. She doesn't see my unhappiness, but I'm worried about what will happen when my husband goes back to work. Will I have the energy and the will to take care of her?
Everyone tells me I'm strong. I don't want to be strong. I'd like to wish last week away, but last week won't leave. I try to find solace in knowing my Grandmother had a miscarriage, but 10 living babies. My aunt had a miscarriage, and 5 living babies. I've done this once before with my healthy baby girl ... God please let me do this again.
I have the best husband. He encourages my grief. He tells me I'm not selfish to want 2 babies, even though I already have 1. He lets me latch on and hug. He tells me he loves me over and over. He admits he feels guilt. He lets me see his tears. He accepts me broken as I am. He makes our meals and helps me with our daughter. He cushions me from the world. He tells me there will be more babies.
But I worry he'll resent my need for him. He'll resent my tears. I told him I'd leave if they'd be happier. I could go stay with my mom. I don't want to, but I don't want him to hate me, to resent me. He tells me no. I am needed at home. But sometimes I feel that he'd heal faster without my tears. I know it's been less than a week, but this is so hard.
When will I be better? I'm not a sad person; by nature I'm upbeat and positive.
I just want my baby back.
I want me back.
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