Ask The Band: Friends And Anxiety

Many people struggle with social anxiety.

This is her story:

Apparently, some people actually can make new friends!

I have three real friends, but unfortunately, we're not all at the same points in our life. We don't have the same things going on nor are we interested in the same things. One is a married stay-at-home mom with two kids; one is married with one child and a fellow teacher; one is married with no kids and also a fellow teacher.

Then there's me.

I'm single, gay, I have no kids, I'm a teacher and I'm lonely. And that's it. Those are my only "real" friends. They are the people I hang out with when I am forced from the comfort of my own home.

I go through phases where I wish I had more friends, had people with more things in common outside of teaching. The problem is that even during those phases I am petrified of making new friends. Or the of possibly beginning a relationship.

I'm on medication for anxiety - I know this is partially why it's hard for me to make friends. I don't know how to let people in and be there for people - I like to keep the two things separate. Either I need people or people need me; they simply aren't allowed to be the same people. I'm trying to figure out how to allow myself to let any of these people be both. I've heard that relationships work better that way.

Unfortunately I don't know how.

When faced with new people, I don't know how to deal with them. I'd just as happily not deal with new people. I'd prefer to sit in my house with a book and ignore the possibility of being hurt. But I am lonely. I miss having friends to do things with. I miss the ability to have a relationship.

I miss having a life.

I love the friends I do have. They're wonderful people and I love them dearly. I also appreciate; love those I allow to be my support. If I could find a way to mesh these together I might be able to meet people. I might be able to get over myself. Who knows, maybe I could even be happy. Or, at least, less unhappy and less anxious.

I don't know. I'm just tired of the way things are right now.

I'm just tired.

------------

Any advice for your Bandmate? Have you dealt with social anxiety and making friends? Do you have any suggestions for her?

by an anonymous user; Published on October 05, 2012
Filed under: How To Help Someone Who Is Depressed, Loving Someone With Depression, Ask The Band, Friendships, Personality Types, Gay is OK, Codependency, Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder, Loneliness , Sadness, Social Isolation

9 Comments

Comments

kmore says...

Oct. 5, 2012, 12:16 p.m. 31517

I feel for you so much. I also struggle with Social Anxiety. I have one really good friend and she is in a completely different place in her life than I am in mine. I am a single mother to a 5 year old and I fear so much that I am going to pass my anxiety to her. I try so hard to hide it. I do see a therapist and that helps me SO much. Hang in there and know that you aren't alone.

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HeatherS says...

Oct. 5, 2012, 12:48 p.m. 31518

I am so sorry. My daughter (7) suffers with Selective Mutism and while she has friends, I see her longing to be friends with other girls that she cannot bring herself to speak up and ask to play with her. She cannot understand why everyone does not pick up on her nonverbal cues of wanting to be friends. I suffer from anxiety also, but not social anxiety. Can you bring yourselves (both the writer and the commenter) to maybe find one social group that you have something in common with, that you might try to join for one event or outing? I know it sounds like a huge step, because it is, but maybe just ONE event...like a book club or a mom's group where you know you have things in common with the other members?There may be enough other members that your "quiet" won't be so noticeable, but you might be able to get to know just one person who may reach out to you. Try keeping the relationship limited to your common interest at first, instead of getting personal about everything in your life and focus on that. Just that one step. Set some guidelines for yourself and only do what you'll feel comfortable with. It will virtually be strangers so if you never go back again...so what! You tried! It might be a stepping stone to trying again and doing something different the next time. I wish you both luck in finding some friends and help with your anxiety. I know how much anxiety can make life hard and it just sucks.((Hugs))

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IWantThursdays says...

Oct. 5, 2012, 3 p.m. 31520

I have very few real life friends too. Much like you, I cherish the ones I have. I have had them for a long time and I know I will continue to have them for a long time. But I'm also an introvert, shy and step to the beat of a different drummer. So I don't make friends or do small talk easily. I'm lonely at times too. I do knit and I have gone to a few knitting classes/groups/functions and I have yet to meet a mean knitter so I have less anxiety about going to some event like that. I haven't met any lasting friends that way, but practicing getting out in a less stressful situation does make it easier!

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Ruby says...

Oct. 6, 2012, 6:11 a.m. 31530

Goodness friendship stuff is HARD. It seems to get harder as we get older, doesn't it? Adding social anxiety into the mix makes it even more complicated... The advice I have for you is to take things slow. I get the feeling you're setting yourself very high targets or standards to accompany your own wish to have more friends. You would like someone to relate to on a different level than just being a teacher. That doesn't mean you have to go out and find someone perfect, create a perfect relationship. Your desire for the extra connection is a great starting point, now start to take some teeny tiny baby steps. Perhaps look into going to a Meetup group in your area, one based on something you'd like to find friends in. Just remember making friends ISN'T easy, especially when we're no longer in school and forced together for six to eight hours a day, five days a week.

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Mirianonymous says...

Oct. 6, 2012, 8:27 a.m. 31534

I second the advice about joining something. My ideal way to make friends is to sit next to someone every week or so for about a year while participating in some sharer experience and gradually making increasingly sarcastic remarks. It's hard to make that ideal happen :P But do you play an instrument or like to sing? Ride horses or bowl? Make pottery? Draw things? Find a class in something and sit next to someone who looks friendly. Ask them questions occasionally. Be interested in the answers. And I second therapy too. Love yourself and loving other people comes easier.

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Kickback says...

Oct. 8, 2012, 2:21 a.m. 31556

Thank you for sharing your story, I see a lot of myself in your words.I have one friend comprised of one half of two separate people. Most of the few associates I interact with couldn't even tell you my age.I just assume I'm not interesting enough to be invited to hang out. I seem to be fun enough to be around but I always have to initiate the outing. I'm fed up. Surely I'm just as worthy of an invitation or a quick text message to see how I'm doing on occasion? Apparently not. I'd accepted my fate as a perpetual loner and then my husband, my best friend shows up out of the blue in class when I'd given up. There is hope. There's a lot of disappointment in between bouts of hope but It's worth the roller coaster ride. I hope this helps to some degree. Forward!

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- OriginalWacky says...
  
  Oct. 8, 2012, 10:43 p.m. 31577 31556
  
  I hope you know it's not about being interesting or whatnot, and that those people are probably missing out on the wonderfulness that is you. *big hugs to you*
  
  Reply...

OriginalWacky says...

Oct. 8, 2012, 10:43 p.m. 31576

I have a horribly time making friends. I can meet people, be gregarious, and all that, but to make ACTUAL friends is terribly difficult for me. I long to have lots of real friends, but it just isn't meant to be, I guess. I will second, or third the idea of finding a group of like-minded folks and joining a group of them. Maybe try not to feel pressured to make friends, just take it slow and easy, and see what happens. One day you might surprise yourself by finding that you've made new friends without even realizing it. *huge hugs*

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NTE says...

Oct. 13, 2012, 3:12 p.m. 31711

So much of this rings true to me as well... I didn't realize making friends (or keeping them) as a grown up would be so difficult. But since I don't work, and my illnesses keep me from socializing as much as I'd like, it's a real challenge. And I'm lonely, and tired, too. Just so you know that you're not alone.

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