Ask The Band: What's Wrong With Me?

Here at The Band, we believe in kicking stigmas to the curb, flinging glitter, and shining a light into the dark. And now?

Your bandmate needs a sounding board.

It's time to Ask The Band!

I know I have depression. I've had it for over half my life. Now something else is scaring me, something I'm becoming.

I've never been good at letting things go, but this is so different. After years of terrible choices that hurt people I never meant to, I've learned to hate myself. My life now feels like a constant attempt to convince the two people I hurt badly that I'm not an evil whore sitting on my throne laughing at their pain, but that I hate myself more than they can imagine.

It has became all about trying to find forgiveness when I know I don't deserve it.

I'm scaring those who know me and I'm still hurting from hurting those who I've hurt. I'm scaring myself at how much I hate ME.

They only thing good in my life is my daughter. But lately, my mood has been so bad, I'm taking happiness from her, too. We live in my childhood home, the same town where I once felt completely safe, and now I feel like I can't leave my house. I feel I'm not allowed to live here anymore.

I know I need help, but I'm so scared of what they'll say. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I hate everything about me - I can't see any way for things to change.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows how hard I try to stop my tears.

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Do you have any advice for your Bandmate? Any suggestions for how to handle self-loathing?

by an anonymous user; Published on October 10, 2012
Filed under: Single Parenting, What To Expect When Going To A Therapist, Ask The Band, Agoraphobia, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Self-Loathing, Mental Illness, Depression, Therapy

5 Comments

Comments

Ruby says...

Oct. 11, 2012, 12:15 p.m. 31645

Oh hun. I have so been there with the hurt, and the self-loathing, and the search for forgiveness. It is such a stifling feeling. Add to that your depression, and no wonder you're feeling at a loss where to begin. Do you currently have a therapist? Can you look for a (low fee) counselor? It sounds like you're having a lot of anxiety, but internet is a bad place to try and diagnose things over ;-) What helped me out of that self-hating cycle was to go talk to a coach/therapist. I went for maybe 6 sessions, the focus was on baby steps and talking about what i want to do with my life, but she was very good at simultaneously picking out the undercurrents and themes with teh struggles I'd been having. You don't have to go to a therapist to "hear what they have to say about me". You can look for a counselor because YOU want to stop the self-hatred and the endless thought cycles, and THEY need to help you do that. Remember that, okay? You have a problem, and if it were financial or a physical illness you would have gone to a professional much sooner, as you're out of your depths. It doesn't have to be as serious as you fear: for me, it took the first two sessions and I suddenly began to be able to think clearly again, to let go of the suffocating inner critic. You deserve the help. And maybe, someone who's a family counselor could help you with your relationship with your daughter as well. (((hugs)))

Reply...

Mattidw says...

Oct. 11, 2012, 1:36 p.m. 31649

I know how you feel and I wish I had advice to help you but to be honest this is how I feel right now about myself. All I can say is find someone to talk to. I have found that talking to a friend who I can trust has been the first step for me. As Ruby said I know I need to see a professional but right now I am not ready for that step.

Reply...

OriginalWacky says...

Oct. 11, 2012, 6:10 p.m. 31657

I've been running through replies in my head for over a day now, and I'm still struggling with exactly what to say. But I'm here, and I hear your pain. I too have had to deal with the fear of what a professional would say, but I can tell you that a counselor has heard far worse than anything you could possibly say to them. I think the first thing you need to do is look for a counselor who takes your insurance if you have any. If you don't, then check around for somebody who has a sliding fee schedule for payment. You are so not alone, and you can always make another post here if you need to hash out anything else. The Band will be here for you. I really hope you figure out how to get started and ask for help, it will be worth it in the end. *huge hugs*

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ace1028 says...

Oct. 11, 2012, 11:43 p.m. 31667

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough go at things right now. I hear you and I feel you. It's so rough to feel like you don't have anyone to count on, but I hope you can recognize that you do with us, the band. We're here to listen. Can you possibly look into finding a therapist to work with? When you find the right one they will NOT judge you or make you feel badly. They will support you as you work towards maintaining your positives and finding the strength you need to move forward. I hope you can take that next step. Sending you love and huge hugs.

Reply...

Kathleen says...

Oct. 12, 2012, 11:27 p.m. 31700

I was afraid they'd lock me up and throw away the key. Or that I couldn't afford it. Or that "shrinks" didn't really do any good. At least not the one I saw when I was a kid. Or… the list goes on and on. One day, I burst into tears for no reason in my doctor's office. She recommended counseling, and recommended a counselor. To be honest, I thought she'd just be able to prescribe something to make me instantly better. I gave her all the reasons I could think of not to go. She assured me that they wouldn't lock me up, that the counselor had a sliding scale, that they'd heard it all before, and with the sliding scale, I could afford to try it. She pretty much made it a "what have you got to lose?" So, I made a deal with her, saying I would go at least twice. One of the best things I ever did, even though I went to my first visit snarling about how much I didn't trust "shrinks". My counselor understood that fear, and didn't judge me for it. If you don't like the person you see, try another until you find someone you can work with. It really is worth it. Hugs, love, and strength. You've taken the first step here. <3

Reply...

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