We all have letters we'd like to send, but know that we can't. A letter to someone we no longer have a relationship with, a letter to a family member or friend who has died, a letter to reclaim our power or our voice from an abuser.
Letters where actual contact is just not possible.
Do you have a letter you can't send?
Why not send it to The Band?
Dear, Dear Daddy:
I love you. You know that I do. I was always a Daddy's Girl, and although that has changed in the last eight or so years, it doesn't mean I love you any less.
You came to visit me a few weeks ago, and you did something horrible. For the first time in my life, I heard that you thought I was a "major disappointment."
And WHY was I a disappointment? For not following your life path? For not becoming the same self-righteous judgmental person you are?
I know that you're Christian, and I don't judge you for that, although you judge me for choosing NOT to be a part of your religion. What I DO judge you for is how irrational you are when it comes to your own life.
You are gay, and I love that about you. What I can't STAND is that you're ashamed of it. Oh no, you're not in the closet anymore, but your religious beliefs make you a self-loathing person, and I hate that. And since I'm queer, I also have to assume that you can't stand that about ME, either.
Religion is just the tip of the iceberg, though. I know you are a staunch Republican, and I would never try and change your beliefs. What I would like, however, is a chance to discuss politics with you, like a reasonable human being, without you immediately attacking me in the most vicious way you can come up with. I can't have any sort of political conversation with you because any time I try to make a point, you just say something to the effect of, "Well, you don't know, you're just ignorant."
Excuse me? I'm sorry, but of the two of us, I'm the one who went to college and took politically charged classes. I may not have all the answers, but I'm certainly informed. And saying I'm ignorant will not hide that you are TERRIFIED to hear anyone's opinion but your own. Are you afraid that if you listen, we might make sense?
But let's touch on something else, Dad: I know you don't think you are, but you are RACIST. Not horribly so, not "burn all the non-white people" crazy, but you ARE racist. Sometimes, you say things that make me want to curl up and die. That you have black friends does not excuse the ignorance that comes out of your mouth sometimes. Please. Think about what you say.
You said I was a major disappointment to you?
Well, you've been a major disappointment to me. You're a great friend, but you are one shitty father. I might as well been raised by mom alone, for all you were around when I was a kid. You hardly ever went to any of the band, dance, cheer-leading, gymnastics, or other events. And when I graduated college, you thought a trip to Europe was more important than coming to my graduation. You didn't bother to remember my current boyfriend's name, for the first two years we dated. You never even ask about my life.
I'm bipolar, and you don't give a shit what that's like. My brother's bipolar too, and you don't have any fucking clue. You don't try to understand, and then you wonder why my brother doesn't want to talk to you, when you then say stupid shit like "well I just don't understand how someone could be depressed," as if we could MAGICALLY wish it away.
You might be disappointed in me for one thing; I have a lifetime of disappointment from you. And I couldn't possibly say any of this to you - say that I would really appreciate that when I try to say something, you let me get it OUT OF MY DAMN MOUTH instead of cutting me off constantly. Say to you that when you treat my bipolar like it's nothing, you make me feel completely invalid.
I wish you could understand what it's like - that what you did, how you made me feel a few weeks ago, put me in bed for days - crippled with depression. The past few weeks have been a slow, steady attempt to claw out of the emotional pit you put me in.
If it's always going to be like this between us, I'm not sure it's worth it to have a relationship with you. What's more important to you - your children, or your preconceived notions?
Think about it.1 Comment