We all have letters we'd like to send, but know that we can't. A letter to someone we no longer have a relationship with, a letter to a family member or friend who has died, a letter to reclaim our power or our voice from an abuser.
Letters where actual contact is just not possible.
Do you have a letter you can't send?
Why not send it to The Band?
When I talked to you two nights ago, I meant what I said: I miss you. I can't convey just how much I mean that.
There are so many things unsaid between us. I've been thinking really hard about us for months. I was going through some family letters that my sister had saved, and I found a letter I had written when you and I were dating. I was STUNNED by what I read in that letter.
I'd forgotten all about it.
You were the first man who ever told me he loved me.
I feel badly that I didn't feel the same way. I loved you immensely... but not the same way. I know it broke your heart when I ended things.
When we first met in 8th grade, I couldn't stand you! Soon, the mutual hatred for our science teacher bonded us and we started to get along. By the next year, we would talk in the halls. Sophomore year, we had many classes together, and I could finally see how much fun you were! That summer, I found myself missing you.
Then came Junior year of high school.
The chemistry between us was immediate as soon as we saw each other again. It took you a couple of months to work up the nerve - I'll never forget what you looked like when you asked me out. Your eyes that day are forever ingrained in my mind.
Quite honestly, it was one of the sweetest, most romantic moments I've experienced.
So much of our short-lived relationship was sweet and romantic. I can still feel the spot you kissed me on the cheek that day at the pet store. The night that you told me you loved me was very special.
But things were different between us. As my friend, you would do absolutely anything for me. I never doubted that. Over the years I'd remembered that, as a couple, how selfish you'd been. Looking back, I can only recall one incident - and it's highly possible that was all my fault - I remember being pretty bitchy that day. Maybe I was hormonal and took things the wrong way. Even if you were being selfish that day, maybe you were just reacting to my behavior.
After that day, though, I began feeling as though things were coming to an end between us. I'd watched you go from girlfriend to girlfriend for a long time. It felt like you were getting restless and ready to move on.
I broke up with you before you could break up with me.
I cried for days.
You didn't talk to me for six months.
That was the hardest part. You meant so much to me and you wouldn't even talk to me.
Eventually, though, I got you back. It had to have been so hard for you when I did fall in love for the first time. You were right there to pick up the pieces when that relationship ended.
You went out of your way to take care of me. We were so, so close back then. Everything was so comfortable. My most cherished memories from high school involve you.
We graduated, life took us separate ways, and we drifted apart. We'd cross paths now and then. The biggest change, though, happened when I got married. He was jealous and controlling. I wasn't even allowed to invite you to the wedding.
I missed you.
After a few years, I began daydreaming about finding you. Three or four times a year, for five or six years, I dreamed of you. I secretly started looking for you. I must've sensed that my marriage was about to end, and I needed My Rock to help me through it.
The timing was odd. My marriage was ending and you were just a month away from your wedding.
I'll admit, when you told me things weren't going well and you were debating an annulment, I was thrilled. I didn't want to share you. I wanted things to be the way they were. Just you and me getting into trouble, talking all night long.
Thankfully, you and your wife worked past those rocky few months. In my post-divorce insanity, who knows what kind of decisions I'd have made? I might not have been open to the idea of a relationship when my sweet husband came along. He and I are so great together; I can't imagine my life without him. Your wife? She's adorable and I love her. I'm fiercely protective of her and I want to see your marriage succeed.
The problem is, there are things that remain unsettled between us. They're not the kinds of conversations that would be appropriate for a married woman and a married man to have.
I'm sorry I took you for granted all those years. It took me more than a decade to realize that you did everything you did for me because you loved me. I've seen so many things I wish I could ask you about, but it just doesn't seem right.
I don't know if it will ever feel appropriate for me to tell you "I love you."
Maybe I don't in the way that you loved me all those years, but I do. You've always been the most caring and loyal friend to me, and I'm so grateful that we both have spouses who understand our friendship. I know I'll never have to lose you again.
I can only hope I've been half the friend to you that you've been to me.