Dear Former Neighbors from that one apartment complex in Kansas City circa 1999,
You probably don't remember me. At least I hope you don't remember me. Then I'll just have to carry around more guilt about this little incident. I'm hoping by apologizing on the Internet I'll be able to get rid of some of that guilt.
I should've apologized at the time, or at least made you cookies. But I'm not brave like Al Roker. It's very hard for me to discuss my poop issues with anyone, whether on national TV like Al or face-to-face like I would have had to back then.
Also, my story is a little bit more embarrassing.
I have ulcerative colitis. And this one time? When I was living at that complex you lived in? I had a flare. Flares cause really uncontrollable diarrhea, in case you weren't aware.
I was driving home from work and I got stuck in horrible traffic on I-35. You can probably guess what happened.
I was wearing tights, neighbor. Tights are not very absorbent, FYI. It was horrible. Painful and truly disgusting. All I wanted to do was get home.
But of course, when I pulled into the parking lot, I had no idea how to get from my car into the building. I tried pulling the tights off, but that caused other problems. And i didn't have a garbage bag in the car anyway. I didn't even have any hand sanitizer.
So I ran for it.
Like I said, tights aren't very absorbent.
I did not mean to stain the hallway carpet. After scrubbing myself and stuffing the entire outfit into a garbage bag, I did try to clean the carpet. But not for very long, because I didn't want anyone to see me.
People talked about the hallway smell for several days. I had managed to make the stain not so noticeable, but using incense next to my door and spraying Febreeze every time I went out did nothing about the smell.
I'm sorry neighbors. I know the smell was pretty awful. But at least it didn't get into your apartments, right? And management replaced the carpet, right?
You probably don't even remember this incident. I hope. Still, I apologize anyway.
Besides, it's not like I vomited because I was drunk like I did in that other complex I lived in during college.
I guess I have another letter to write.