I am a 16 year old with one goal in mind...to break away from all the pain and hurt that being bullied has imprinted in my life.
When I was in primary school, I lived a care-free life and was never bothered by anything that went on around me. I had short hair and not the prettiest face in the world, but as a child, none of that mattered to me.
However, as I grew older and more observant, I realized that certain people (especially older teenage people) would look at me funny and sometimes even laugh at me or whisper things about me that I couldn't make out. This didn't happen extremely often, but it still hurt me to accept that total strangers would make fun of me and I didn't really understand why.
I tried asking my mother once why I am so ugly and she shouted at me for asking. After that, my childhood consisted of me being tormented by strangers about how I look and having nobody to talk to.
When I started grade 6, the bullying grew worse because this time, it was no longer just whispers behind my back. There was one child who would constantly tell me to my face just how ugly he thought I was. He would do it in front of anybody who was around, which made it 100 times more painful. Each time I was forced to pretend that it didn't bother me, while every night, I would cry myself to sleep.
On top of that, other people (even those who I thought were my friends) would also make mean comments about me, thinking that I wouldn't be smart enough to know that they were talking about me. This carried on into high school. Each time, I had nobody to share my pain or my tears with.
These days, I am happy to say that I am not bullied at all like I used to be. In fact, sometimes people say good things about how I look.
Sadly however, being bullied not only hurt me deeply and destroyed any trace of self-esteem that I may have possessed, but it also made me extremely insecure about myself. It made me highly self-conscious. Even though people no longer bully me (I hope), every time I see somebody laughing or whispering something, I immediately assume that they are making fun of me - which makes me feel even more insecure.
I have become a really shy person and social anxiety is no stranger to me at all. I don't know how to accept a compliment without questioning whether it's true, or if the person was just being nice. In fact, whenever I do receive a compliment, I never allow it to get to my head or make me happy, out of fear that none of it is true.
I constantly suffer from depression and loneliness and the only one who I am brave enough to talk to is God Himself. Some nights I hate myself for being so weak and allowing the past to have such a big influence on me, and I just want to dissolve into thin air and be blown away by the wind. Other nights, all I want is for somebody to see my pain and tell me it's all going to be okay.
The only thing which keeps me going is showing kindness to others and praying that nobody out there has to go through the emotional turmoil I am currently going through. Of course, many take advantage of me and I am too weak and scared to fight back. I fear that if they don't view me as "the kind one," I'll just be viewed as "the ugly one" again. This often makes me HATE people for not seeing through my kindness and shyness and hearing my silent cry for help.
Having suppressed all my emotions for over 10 years, some may consider me a ticking time bomb, just moments away from a total mental breakdown.
If that is the case, I just hope it's at end of my sad and pathetic life...9 Comments