My therapist has asked me to write down a list.
Right now, she doesn't feel as though I'm ready for the therapy yet. It's called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). As far as I understand, I have to relive my traumatic experiences, have the proper emotional response, get over it, then have Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) so I can have some sort of coping mechanism for the future. But until my medications are adjusted, and I'm in a better place, I have to wait.
So, here is my list:
- Sexual abuse around age 3 by a family member. Repressed this memory until it slapped me in the face at age 12, causing an intense anxiety attack.
- Constant arguing between my parents, thanks to my father's alcoholism, gambling, and pain issues due to needing a hip replacement. The pain issue turned into an anger issue; turned into a power tool being thrown at my mother, missing, and going through the window and landing at my feet; followed by an argument on a holiday with my father resulting in me taking a heavy duty power torch to the head.
- As a "gifted child," I was bullied a lot in primary school and high school. I still carry some of those emotional scars with me.
Funnily enough, my brain is currently trying to stop me from accessing more memories. Suck it, brain; stop being a whiny bitch and let me write this shit out.
- When I was 16, my mother - being severely depressed - attempted suicide several times. The last time she tried, she had an argument with my father (now a better man, nothing like his days in my earlier life), and downed a ton of pills. I found her and her suicide note. I actively suppress the things written on that note, but if I actively access that memory, the note started with "I no longer fear death. In fact, I embrace it." That sentence haunts me in my dreams. She is fine now, thankfully, but I refused to talk about it with anyone and pretended it never happened.
- Diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder when I had a panic attack at high school so bad my heart rate was 180, and I had to be rushed to hospital in fear of doing damage to my heart. Since that day, I regularly have palpitations.
- Had a psychotic episode at 17 where voices told me to stab my mother. I became paralysed in my own bed while lights shone down from the ceiling, and I was convinced aliens were coming for me, despite my logical brain telling me I was being stupid.
- Diagnosed with endometriosis and told I should probably have children before 25. I'm currently a week away from my 24th birthday.
- Moved out of home to the capital of my state to attend university. Bipolar disorder was diagnosed at this stage, and promiscuity, sleepless nights, shopping sprees, and severe irritability kicked in.
- Dated a Muslim man for 8 months. Was emotionally abused towards the end, when he called me a dog. I went running into the arms of a male friend.
- Decided I was the worst person in the world and went off screwing any guy who looked my way, drinking myself into oblivion, and eating pills like candy, just to numb the pain. I wanted to be used. I asked my male friend - now my fuck buddy - if he was using me for sex. He replied yes. I cried and said, "good." Turned out he wasn't using me: he was in love with me; as a result of my promiscuity, and his inability to tell me how he felt, he quit university, broken-hearted.
- Started dating my current partner, who I have been with for 5 years now. We lived with his sister, her fiance, and their daughter. The sister is a lazy bully who cannot look after herself, let alone children (currently a total of 3). Her fiance is a violent alcoholic and gambler. After being made a prisoner in my own bedroom, we got our own place.
- Diagnosed with fibromyalgia. That explained the constant pain and tiredness. Yay for inheriting every single shitty illness my parents have.
- Recently have started to have feelings for a close friend, who also has a partner. While drunk, we have currently made out two times. I have feelings for him; he is just attracted to me. I have immense guilt over betraying my partner, who is emotionally stunted. I think I'm just attracted to my friend as he has the social and emotional skills my partner lacks.
- Severely bullied at my last job until I began having daily panic attacks and getting into a screaming match with a higher-up and former friend.
- Decided to self-harm and contemplate suicide when the medication I was taking for 5 years stopped working. Unfortunately, while the medication stopped working, my currently non-existant libido did not return.
- Have also suffered dermatillomania for most of my life, particularly my feet. It is disgusting.
Currently, I am plagued by insomnia, headaches, anxiety, shame, severe depression, guilt, and every other horrible feeling imaginable. According to my therapist, I have feelings of low self-worth. According to my friends, I have a much lower opinion of myself than everyone else does of me.
I am both numb and emotionally unstable. I can't cry, even though I really want to let it out. I think of myself as selfish and horrible, a terrible person who doesn't deserve what I have. I theorise that I have some subconcious need to sabotage mysel, everytime something is going well, just to add some drama in my life. Why I do this, I don't know. And as I have written this list in such a cold, emotionless manner, I find it odd that I can be so numb and feel so many negative emotions at the same time. I feel like a robot.
I don't want sympathy. At least, I don't think I do. I am just tired. Tired of struggling through everyday with these issues. I want the problems to just magically disappear because I'm tired of fighting.
I know it's a long road ahead to my recovery. And as much as I don't want to relive the aformentioned memories, I am also excited for the first time in ages because maybe, finally, with proper therapy...
...maybe I'll finally get some peace and closure.15 Comments