Shaken and Sad
My sister and brother-in-law are getting divorced.
You know on video games when one piece explodes and all the other pieces around it are shaken? I feel like one of the other pieces. Shaken. And, sad.
I feel overwhelmed by my sadness. I stood up for this marriage at its beginning. And, now I’m watching it crumble. I go to bed in the middle of the afternoon, unable to sleep, unable to read, unable to move. My husband says nice things to me like, “Get some rest,” and “Are you okay?” and it makes me cry. Then Rosey Grier’s song “It’s Alright to Cry” starts running through my head – and that’s just annoying. (Don’t get me wrong, Rosey. I think you have an awesome name for a guy. I think it’s awesome that you were a huge football player who knit and taught the boys of my generation that it was okay to cry. But, your hokey song is messing up my breakdown – not awesome.)
I empathize far too well with their 6- and 9-year-old girls. I want to make sure my sister doesn’t fall for my older niece’s act that she’s so mature and she understands (an act I myself perfected at the age of 12). I don’t want my sister to make her her confidant or tell her more than her young heart and head can handle (I don’t think she is doing that. I just really, really don’t want her to accidentally do that). I’m glad my sister is taking them to a counselor.
I just really wish I didn’t feel like a 12-year-old girl right now. Talk about someone who needed counseling. Could I really have 24-year-old emotions with which I’m dealing? Probably. The best counseling I ever got over my parents’ divorce was one session with a lady who told my mom I needed to go to a Christian summer camp for a month. I guess she thought Je-sus (please read that in your best evangelical voice) could solve all my problems.
(And, don’t get me wrong, I think He’s a great guy who has blessed my life immensely and saved me a place in heaven. But, I don’t think He was the guy to let me sit down and vent about how much my parents f*%#ed up their marriage and my childhood.)
So. That’s that. Pray for my sister and brother-in-law friend and their kids. Don’t worry about me. I’m a grown-up who can take care of my own emotional well-being now.* I really shouldn’t take someone else’s crisis and make it about me. But, when I blog, I’m selfish that way.
And, sad.
*I was smart enough to marry my best friend. He’s strong when I’m weak. Also, thanks to this crisis, we’ve both looked each other in the eye and sworn we’re in it for good. We’ll always talk, always be honest and always do whatever work it takes to keep our marriage together. At least I have confidence in my “forever” when so many other “forevers” are ending all too soon…