by Band Back Together | Oct 21, 2010 | Eating Disorders, Guilt, Health, How To Help With Low Self-Esteem, Self Loathing, Self-Esteem, Shame |
Disclaimer: This is written from a really dark place. If body image issues or food relationship hangups could trigger you, please don’t continue. This post sounds dire and desperate and awful, and I suppose it is… but despite the darkness, I am actually quite happy with my life overall. It’s just this one head space that I can’t get right.
I haven’t been blogging… and this morning I finally realized why. I was reading Mish’s post (I am guilty if I eat) and here was my comment:
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! I could have written exactly this today. I have been really struggling lately because I have lost 40 pounds, but with the stress of grad school, working from home, a toddler, a marriage and my health journey… I’m slipping. I gained three pounds in two weeks, and so far this week isn’t looking good either. I’m eating terrible for me things on purpose, in crazy amounts, allowing myself to consciously and purposefully choose the worst options even when they aren’t what I really want. I don’t know how to stop it… I am terrified that I’ve done it again, had some success only to turn around and sabotage it all and end up so heavy, unhealthy and miserable again.
While I typed out that comment, I realized… I’m not blogging because I have nothing good to say.
I’m overwhelmed. Maybe even depressed.
I’m putting myself last because something has to give and I don’t know what else can, but me. I know how important it is to take care of myself, but when the other categories are my marriage, my daughter and my graduate classes, I’m the only thing that I can let go of without destroying some bigger dream.
(Well, without destroying some bigger dream for all of us.)
Health is my bigger dream… but now I’m terrified that I just can’t get there. I’m purposefully making terrible food choices. And the worst part is that it’s not really about the food, but that I am choosing the worst options strictly because they’re bad. I’m not exercising. I feel unmotivated, uninspired, and unhappy.
All of my old thoughts about my body have returned, and all I seeing the mirror is a fat, unattractive woman and it makes me wonder why I bother. If this is me anyway, why bother?
I’m sneak-eating again. I’m buying food when I’m out and eating it in the car. Then I stop somewhere to throw out the “evidence” so that no one knows. Some of my smaller pants are already getting too tight again.
I know how this works. I’ve been here before. I know all of the arguments. I know how much better I look and feel now. I know how hard it was to lose 40 pounds and how much I don’t want to gain it back. I know how proud I am of the work I’ve done, and I know exactly what I need to do to keep it going… so why am I not doing it? Why do I continue to make poor choices?
How do I choose myself when it means taking something away from my daughter, my marriage, or from the job that brings in a tiny but absolutely necessary amount of money each month? How do I choose myself when I’m taking away from the graduate work that will mean a better life for myself and my family someday soon?
I know I’d have more to give, in some ways, if I made time to take care of myself… but how do you do it? When you’re standing there, making the decision between cuddle time with your daughter and getting up to exercise, or between making a healthy dinner and caving to take-out pizza so that you can finish your homework without staying up until midnight…
How do I choose me?
by Band Back Together | Oct 21, 2010 | Anniversary Reactions, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Livng Through A Miscarriage, Loss, Miscarriage, Pregnancy |
I hate math.
But lately, I’m obsessed with numbers.
It’s been 112 days since I got my first positive pregnancy test.
And it’s been 60 days since I had to have a D&C to remove the baby that didn’t thrive.
My period should arrive in 2 days.
But I’m waiting 5 days to test, because I promised a friend we’d test together.
She’s gone through this too.
I’m constantly counting days, averaging them out, marking my calendars, and keeping track. Who knew trying to get pregnant would become my new full-time job? I spent so much time trying not to get pregnant, and now that I want to? Well, so far, it hasn’t been easy.
A friend of mine is due the day before I was. It kills me to know this. All the other February mommies are finding out the sexes of their babies, marveling at their growing bellies, buying clothes, furniture, and picking out names.
And I’m back at square one, thinking about things like mucous levels and peeing on sticks.
Trying to get pregnant is so sexy.
So here I sit. This week could change things forever.
Or not.
I hate waiting…
by Band Back Together | Oct 21, 2010 | Abuse, Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse |
In my previous post, I talked about the emotional abuse my children are going through.
I constantly fear that they will carry these scars with them. But I don’t think I have ever been more proud of my daughter than I was yesterday.
I got out of work two hours early, so I called my daughter to tell her that after her homework, we could go to the playground. She was so excited. I told her to get her school books ready and she said “Mom, I am playing right now and I REAAALLY want to finish this.”
I asked her what she was playing. She told me she was pretending to be a counselor. She’d gone to summer camp and the older kids volunteer as camp counselors. I figured that was what she meant.
So I asked, “What kind of counselor? Are you starting a camp?”
She said, “no Mommy, I am being a counselor who talks to people. That’s what I want to do when I grow up. I want to talk to kids like me so I can help them.”
It brought tears to my eyes. It made me sad that she acknowledges the scars she is going to carry but it also made me so proud that, instead of feeling sorry for herself, she wants to use her experiences to help others. At six years old, she is already thinking about how to help others instead of dwelling on her own problems.
Most kids her age play house, doctor, and teacher. She is thinking about how she can use the small amount of experiences she has had in her short life to help other people.
I am so proud of her. At age six, she is such a smart, kind, and compassionate person and I truly believe she WILL help many people in her lifetime. I am so thankful that she is learning how to help people rather that assume that abuse is okay.
I have always loved the song In My Daughter’s Eyes, but yesterday I could hear the lyrics over and over again in my head: “I see who I want to be in my daughter’s eyes.”
I only wish I could be as strong, caring and compassionate as she is.
by Band Back Together | Oct 21, 2010 | Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse |
[Ed. note: I’m leaving the grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors in place since this was written by a young person. Correcting everything would take away some of the authenticity of this piece. -Adrienne]
I’ve been wanting to write a post about what I went through as a kid for a while, but I have not been able to sit down and do it the way I want. Instead I pulled out my diary I kept back then. I am going to write down the raw emotions I felt that day and maybe it will help me to get through some things.
June 17, 1995
Dear Diary,
I haven’t wrote in a long time but I have been really busy.
Well, let me start on June 10th….
Mom let me go to Dan’s sisters wedding and he gave me a gold bracelet (no it wasn’t stolen) and he also went out with Missy! NO JOKE!
I have confusing news too, K here’s what happened…
I was laying on the couch at Denises yesterday getting ready for bed because we were going to go to the lake today since I was babysitting the little brat Becca I needed a break.
Anyway, Ron came in to tell Brittany the dog good night since she was sleeping with me. He moved the sheet and I thought it was so he could pet Brittany, then he just started rubbing my vaginal area..My heart was beating 50mph then he started rubbing my chest and I was so scared to do anything because he had had a few bears and I wasn’t sure what he was capable of, but then I ran and told Denise and he left.
I didn’t know where he went but after about 30minuts Denise found him and he admitted he had done so then, I knew I wasn’t dreaming! Denise kept saying he was sorry from the bottom of his heart and he was gonna turn himself into the police tomorrow night and get counseling.
Why did he? I though I could trust him but now I can’t trust no one!
I’ll probably be real touch for a long long while! I never want to see him again! Not in court, at Sue’s, at Denise’s anywhere! I don’t want to go to court either!
Why did this happen to me again? I don’t understand why am I so confused? I need to spill my guts to someone who knows what I am going through.
I’m thinking about telling Krystal.
I better go now.
Confused and Sad,
Me
That is the same night it happened. I am also going to include the next few days…
June 20, 1995
Dear Diary,
I’m now in the car headed back to Moline. I just had to get away from that hellhole Peru! David beat Krystal for asking questions about what happened and told her if she told her mom he beat her, he’d beat her worse! Well she didn’t tell..D.L did, so now David is blaming Krystal’s nightmares on me and so was Sue.
I confide things I don’t even tell my best friend in you and I trust no one with read you, at least I hope
Well I better go.
Still Confused,
Me
June 2, 1995
Dear Diary,
Last night I wrote a letter to my mom about what happned and then I guess all my feelings caught up with me cause I have been holding them in for so long I guess. I just started crying for no reason at all, just because.
When Grandma came in I couldn’t tell her anything! I confessed all my feelings to mom though. Grandma would ask me a question and I could only move my head in circles. I couldn’t decide anything! I am scared of my own shadow and even the dark! I am 14 years old and acting like I am 2! I even feel uncomfortable around Uncle Scott! I feel so horrible and I miss my mom! The only time I am not or I don’t is when I am around Dan and Alisa.
Yes I know Dan is a guy too. But he’s so casual and calm he makes my whole body loosen up and feel really good, same thing with Alisa.
I miss my mom so much! I hear her voice and her car and car keys being laid on the table. I am so scared and confused I don’t know what to do!
Me
June 14, 1995
12:10 am
Dear Diary,
I talked to my mom tonight and I started crying. I felt so bad.
I feel funny when I’m around Uncle Scott. I know it’s sad But I can’t help it, it makes me feel uncomfortable when he even tickles me.
I am going to Peru next week. I can’t wait to see my mom again. I miss her so much!
Gotta Go!
Me
That is where I will end it. I don’t want to bore you too much with all the 14-year old babble.
Let me finish by saying that my mom had to stay behind to finish things up with her job. I understood that at the time, but it didn’t make it any easier. I can’t say I would make the same decision with my children. I hope I will never be in a position to have to choose something like that.
My uncle Scott has always been like a dad to me. He was there when my father wasn’t. I knew why I was feeling what I did around him and felt incredibly guilty about it. Denise and Ron were my mom’s boyfriend’s (David) sister and brother-in-law and I was spending the summer with them to babysit their two girls.
I was supposed to be home that weekend but they begged me to stay and go to the lake. I have regretted that decision a lot! Krystal is David’s daughter. She was my sister and I wanted to tell her because she had been through something similar. And when I say he beat her, he really didn’t he spanked her but you know…that was acceptable then.
I still struggle with what happened to me. I am terrified of it happening to my kids. I think sometimes I am too worried about it. And I try to talk myself through a lot of things. I can see where my problems came from and what happened and I just can’t seem to work through them.
So they get pushed to the back. I do the best I can without dwelling on the past.