I have been single for the past 5 years.

This time of year where people getting engaged is hard for someone like me who wishes for it to be my turn. So here is my heartbreaking letter to my once future husband that I cannot send.

Dear Future Husband,

I am going to be honest; I don’t think you exist.

Once a upon a time, I used to dream of the day I’d meet you; we’d have a lovely courtship, an amazing proposal on top of a Ferris Wheel (because you know how much I love them), then a wedding of my dreams (which, I’ll admit, has changed throughout my life but still involves these great pair of heels that have been sitting quietly in my closet, sadly collecting dust) and the rest of our lives together.

You know, the whole white picket fence bit.

But now? I am no longer wearing white, I’m wearing black.

I’m no longer walking down the aisle to you, I don’t see your face light up with the biggest, cheesiest smile as I walk to you.

No.

I’m very sad, standing in dark forest, all alone. So lonely. My heart has been broken too many times to count. A piece of you, of our life, fades with each piece of my heartbreak, and now you’re gone. Disappeared. No longer are you parts my hopes and dreams, now you’re nothing but an afterthought.

Maybe you’re really out there, but I am not so convinced of – even though my friends have told me otherwise. They’ve told me to to be patient, God has a plan for you, the list goes on.

They don’t know how I fear that I’m that I’ll never  find yo; that we’ll never have our own happily ever after.

In fact (this is really horrible of me) but I stopped praying for God to keep you safe, to watch over you, that your heart is pure, that you have undying faith.

I began to feel that I was wasting God’s time by praying for someone who doesn’t exist; someone I’m never going to find.

I used to believe that love conquered al; that it was stronger than anything. That I could love you despite never meeting you. Recently, it sounds silly and downright depressing.  I am desperately afraid that it’s going to be too late for me – I’m not getting any younger and my clock is ticking.

I sort of feel that I have given up on us. I used to fight so hard to find you, but now I am exhausted and I can’t wait anymore for you.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I’ve tried to fight it.

I hope you understand and will forgive me someday and that you find another woman to love just as much you would have loved me.

From,

Your Once-Future Wife