You know about my kids now here’s a little about me.
I am extremely stubborn.
I hate admitting I need help.
I have a ton of health problems: anxiety, depression, EDS, IIH, and fibromyalgia. All 3 of my kids have autism with other co-morbidities. My husband is my rock but he can be a pain in my ass.
I take on a lot with the boys because they’re mine it’s not up to someone else to do it and I do see a therapist.
She thinks in dealing with the latest with what I call my shitshow, I lost myself in there somewhere.
I think she’s right in a way, I’m so mentally tired I’m surprised I can form complete sentences.
I’m getting away next week for 10 days.
For the first time in 4.5 years, I’m going to visit my mom, my dad, and my sister. I haven’t been together with the three of them at the same time in a long time.
I’m actually really excited… but scared too.
Scared of having a good time.
Is that weird?
Scared I’m going to be in pain and they won’t understand. Scared of being away from my kids for so long.
Okay, I’m scared shitless.
Help!
All perfectly normal and understandable.
Those of us accustomed to a certain level of chaos – no matter how stressful we find it – can get thrown by calm. It’s not our normal.
Do your best to find a way to enjoy your break. And to quote a former mentor of mine: “feel the fear and do it anyway”
Denying the fear or judging it will feed it. Acknowledge it, reach out as you’re able and do what you can.
You’re a rockstar girl keep us posted
I think that getting away will be a huge relief and a huge guiltful thing at the same time. You have to remember, tho, that you need you to be okay.
It’s okay to be scared – your family will reassure you that you need to recharge. Let yourself relax – don’t leave your brain behind thinking of your kids.
Everyone needs a recharge.
I went on a 3 day spiritual retreat just a few months after an unexpected separation/divorce. My home was in chaos, my kids were all reeling, and it was (I felt) the worst possible time for me to leave. But I did it anyway, even though I was afraid to go and also feeling guilty because I wanted to go (the crazy is strong with me!) and a thousand other emotions.
But I went, and it was healing. I suggest this: have a specific plan to deal with your pain if you have a flare-up. Practice what you will say to your family or print out a couple of articles about fibro to help them understand. And Be prepared for ALL THE TEARS. I spent the entire 2nd day of my retreat crying for no apparent reason. My therapist told me it was likely a response to the sudden cessation of accumulated months of being in constant fight-or-flight response.
And for what it’s worth, I think you are very, very brave to go do this hard thing. I hope it is wonderfully restorative for you, and it would be great if you came back and told us about it.
I hope you have a wonderful visit!
Not at all weird. We’re so not used to doing things for ourself so we constantly second guess our choices. You’ve earned this, so much. You got this!!! <3
I feel you. I have two on the spectrum. Guilt at the thought of having fun. Fear about recognizing it in the first place. Letting go is a necessity. Finding joy and respite will give you more energy to take on life.
I don’t know much, but, I know this: You can’t be expected to be what your kids need when you are too broken to do it. You need rest. You need at least a little space. Please give yourself permission to be good to yourself.
Not at all weird and good for you doing it even though it’s uncomfortable. We don’t take care of ourselves the way we should, and when we do, we feel like we’re doing something unspeakable. Go, have fun, do things that feel good and come home rejuvenated.
I think it’s equally scary and delightful to be alone and unsupervised for the first time in a long time. And I think that doing this will be a good time for you to remember who you are and who you are becoming. It’ll give you some much needed peace and quiet and it’ll give you space to pee uninterrupted. Enjoy every second.