So I go to my 6 month check up with the oncologist. He’s been my doctor for years. Nice guy who gets me. I am in the exam room when a strange doctor comes in and out of my mouth flies: “Who the hell are you?” SNAP! Dr. Young-Thing proceeds to tell me he is a resident (oh crap), and that he is going to examine me. Like a deer in headlights, I say, “Like hell you are…where is Dr. S?”
I thought for sure he was going to push some hidden button for non-compliant patients. But he sits down and pulls up my chart online. Dr I-Have-Tattoos-Older Than-You proceeds to overview my ENTIRE medical history with me. We are talking 7 years.
I’m thinking: Noooooo, it was 2003 superstar, now get me the real doctor and do your fancy learnin’ on someone else.
“I am going to examine you–is that okay?”
To which I say, “No, not really, but I will let you see the magic that is my mastectomy!”
Oh, I was in rare form. (undoubtedly precipitated by a phone call with my parents not ten minutes earlier that mimicked Terms of Endearment–where I was ready to go Shirley MacClain on my dad’s sorry ass—”Get My Mom the medicine NOW!)
Dr Young thing: “I am feeling for your spleen, don’t find it.”
Me: “Wow, you need to study more.”
Dr. YT is fairly flustered by this point and steps out–leaving me the keys to the kingdom– My personal files online, for me to read! AHHH yeaaaaa! You know I did, kids. I sat right down and scrolled through that puppy like I was on a shopping spree at eBay. Okay, you ready…Here it is…the undeniably recorded in history and for all of UCLA and the world at large to read as a description of me as written by a my oncologist:
“This is a pleasant lady, alert and oriented x4, in no acute distress”
A resounding endorsement for Zoloft if I have ever heard one.
By then my real doctor, the author of my epitaph, comes in. I tried really hard to be “pleasant, alert, oriented x4 (not sure what the highest possible score is, but I am optimistic). Now, he has passed several of my is-this-doctor-a-dipwad litmus tests and so he is familiar with my work as a pain in the ass patient! He does his thing, and I tell him they should tell folks before they send a resident in to a patient.
He asks, “Why?”
“Because I had cancer, have no boobs, and a right to choose who looks at the train wreck that I call a body, reads my history, and for that matter is in the same room with me.”
I think I lost points for “pleasant lady…”
But then I look up at Dr Young Thing, and see his name tag. “Dr. Krishna” to which I said, “man, not much pressure with that name, huh?” They both started laughing so I think I got some points back for pleasantness.
The best…and I did this for all of you…is when I left. I saw yet another Dr. Young Thing standing in the back office. He was beyond GORGEOUS! I said to the whole staff, “I will have him as my resident next time, thanks”. Could have heard a pin drop…
Love to all of you pleasant, alert, and oriented x4 women out there who are only occasionally in acute distress…
That would be about x20 for moxie–I love it!
moxy and alertx4!
There should be a warning if you’re going to get a resident coming to visit. I had my first two open-heart surgeries and about umpteen million heart caths at a teaching hospital so I was routinely ogled by about 10 people at any given time, but I was 5 and didn’t really know better. I’m with you, though, I know enough about what I want in a doctor that once I get comfortable with one God help you if you pull a switcheroo on me. I always ask with my current primary care doc if I’m actually going to see him or his moron PA. If it’s the PA, I’ll stay home and suffer. The good news though is there are the good ones out there and I’ve done enough work that my entire team rock. The bad news is they have to go through pesky resident status before they become awesome docs and they have to train on somebody.
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Wow…you know it, too. I just advocate for myself at this point. Either that, or I get a hoot out of messing with them!
It’s way fun messing with them. I had a doc in a box examine me for bronchitis and he just asked very basic questions so I kept my heart problems hush hush. He listened to my breathing and heart and everything and asked me “When were you going to tell me about your heart murmur?” “Ummm…when were you going to ask?” He asked if that was a trick I play on all my docs. “Yep, all the ones that don’t ask about any major health problems.” I like messing with x-ray technicians too. You’ve got to have some fun in these situations!!
Thank you so much for writing. Nine year survivor and I appreciate your moxy. I hope I can learn from you. Thanks.
9 years and my heart to you.
I wish you’d been one of MY patients. You’d have killed me laughing.
You had me cracking up! Thank you so much for sharing! I need this giggle!