Before I start, this is not your typical “I can’t have a baby post.” I am not the face of infertility, at least not as far as I know. I’ve never lost a baby. I’ve never even tried to get pregnant.
However, I do have Spondylolisthesis & Spondylosis which, in shorthand, means my vertebra on L4, L5, and S1 have less space between them than they should and have slipped forward.
This causes the muscles in my mid and lower back to try and compensate for what my spine can’t do, which leaves me in near-constant pain. I currently take medications for the joint inflammation and the pain. If I were to get pregnant, I’d have to stop taking the pain pills in the last trimester, be on bedrest for at least that long, and have to choose between breastfeeding and pain pills.
I’ve trolled through every forum related to my condition and pregnancy. It seems most women have experienced horrific pain during pregnancy that, in some cases, never went away. Many say that though their children are worth it, getting pregnant was the worst mistake they’ve in regards to their back problem. Some doctors advise having surgery to fuse the slipped vertebra together, a surgery with a six month recovery time, before attempting a pregnancy.
Even if I could quit work and devote myself entirely to a pregnancy, I worry the pain will make it impossible for me to care for a child. As it is, it takes everything I have just to get up the subway steps coming home from work. If I have to stand for the whole forty minutes on the train, I’m crying by the time I get home.
When I consider how many times a day a baby needs to be picked up, how heavy a car seat is, and how much energy it takes to keep up with a toddler, I know it’s totally out of my physical capacity. Plus, both Spondylolisthesis and Spondylosis are hereditary and I’d never want to pass this kind of suffering on to my child.
I know there’s always adoption or surrogacy, but they’re just not for me.
Selfish as it may be, I want the experience of carrying and delivering our child. I’ve spent a lot of years telling myself I didn’t want kids, but now that I’m with an amazing man, the tick-tocks of the clock are getting louder and I think I may want them…and the idea that I probably don’t have the option is crushing. When I see pregnant women or little girls with My Love’s shiny black hair, I’m hit with a wall of sadness and longing. Something inside tells me that’ll never be me.
So The Band, what do I do?
How can I accept that pregnancy and raising a child aren’t things I’m physically capable of doing?
was the infertility poster child. We had issues on both sides, as well as recurrent pregnancy loss. I did start the adoption process, but when a birth mother pulled out, didn’t have the heart to start again. Surrogacy was not something that was going to happen for us. Financially and emotionally, I wasn’t OK with it.
Still, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was not going to be a mother. I don’t know how you come to accept this, because I’m still working on it. I decided to live without children in 2008 after years of trying, and I still struggle.
I find it best to have people who support (even if they don’t understand) your decision. That has helped me. Mother’s day is hard, holidays are hard, baby showers are hard. I try to focus on the positives of a childfree life. I remind myself about how crazy the world is; sometimes I’m grateful to not be bringing a child into the chaos of the world.
My heart goes out to you. It isn’t an easy process, but if you know you can’t do it physically, it is OK to not pursue parenthood. You may want to look for a group of childfree people to talk to, or a support group of some kind, as the camaraderie really helps sometimes.
I can’t imagine having to make the choices you’re faced with. My husband and I both have IF issues, and we’re facing the fears and the possibility of not having children, as we’ve decided with 99% certainty that IVF and adoption are not for us. I can’t wrap my head around life without kids, as I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I imagine it gets easier with time, but there will always be hardships. I could list 50 things that make life without kids easier, but I’d gladly give them all up for a baby. I think you have to consider your health and your risks, and it’s okay if you decide that a baby doesn’t outweigh them. I agree that support will be crucial, because there will be times you falter in your decision. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.
’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. On top of the chronic pain, too. I don’t have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you’ve been heard. Best of luck with your journey.
Wow. I’m not sure this comment is helpful, so feel free to not approve it, Moderators. Here goes… I’ve spent part of last night and this morning searching for respite caregivers so that is the first thing that came to my mind. There are people near you that need help. Maybe short-term help so that you are providing a break for a family besides getting your baby-love on? I’m just thinking that maybe the added dimension would make it something different and not torturous? Hell, I don’t know. It was just an idea that popped into my head and maybe it’s a bad one. I’m clueless, practically the flip side of your coin. I knew at 14 that I didn’t want to be a mom because I *knew* God would give me a daughter and I would morph into my mom and that would be hell. I didn’t get married until 38, went off the pill for the honeymoon and was pregnant within months. That’s my son who is now 6 and has Down syndrome. When his cardiologist finally told us we could take a family vacation a year and a half later, I came home pregnant with his sister. I’m some kind of weird, old Fertile Franny. Karma’s kicking my ass in the other direction. I hope some of this sparks some kind of idea that helps. I don’t want to be more pain in your life.
It breaks my heart for you. Sending you love and light.
I’m sorry you are facing this… I wish I had a magical answer for you. But I have hugs and love being sent your way.
This is a tough one. I wish I had wise words for you. I have some chronic conditions that make raising children harder. I have the one child and really question whether I could handle another. But, way back before I had the kiddo I dealt with my babylust by getting a couple of cats. Yes, I’m kind of a crazy cat lady. But seriously, they helped fill a void for me for a number of years – I get to care for something and love it and get love back. It was enough for me for a long time. (Maybe a dog would have been better, though.)
You know that show, Mystery Diagnosis on TLC? I watch it all the time for clues as to a diagnosis for myself. I mean, I know some things…Grave’s Disease, PCOS, Endometriosis, arthritis…and something else. I live with constant pain…my knees and lower back have significant joint space narrowing, so I know pain.
I got pregnant with my daughter completely on accident at the age of 22. I didn’t know any of the above…I only knew I’d had fatigue and joint pain on and off for a few years. I just attributed it to my long standing depression. I never wanted kids, though. I was abused as a child, my mother didn’t like kids in general, and me in particular, and I was sure I would have no idea about how to be a mom.
When it became clear that I was being effected by something besides my depression, my first and biggest fear was that I had passes something on to her, fear that only grew when the Grave’s was diagnosed. Autoimmune disorders are related and can be genetic. My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes over a year ago. As T1 is an autoimmune disorder, I feel that she inherited from me the tendency toward autoimmunity, and I cannot tell you the guilt I have for that.
A few years ago, I briefly considered having another child, because the conditions under which I’d had my daughter were less than pleasant, and I wanted to know what it was like to go through a pregnancy that had been desired with a loving partner to support me. In the end, I didn’t get pregnant. I’ve since found out that I cannot get pregnant, and shouldn’t have gotten pregnant to begin with, my daughter was a fluke. One I’m enormously grateful to have had.
No one can make the decision for you, and no one should. The decision to have a child is the largest decision anyone can ever make. Having a child with a healthy body may be less painful, but being a parent pretty much guarantees sadness, grief…pain and sleepless nights. It also guarantees joy, contentment, wonder…and love. I understand why you feel the way you do about wanting to have a child with your own body, to experience the pregnancy, but you should know that it’s not pregnancy that makes you a mother. It’s every second that you put your child’s needs before your own…that’s what makes you a parent.
I live with pain every day, and it’s hard some days to put my daughter’s needs before mine, but I do it, because that’s the only thing I can do, because I’m a mom. I wish I was well…the life I planned for us included long hiking trips and camping, and other things that I am mostly too exhausted to do. However, I wouldn’t trade her for the world, and I’m endlessly grateful for the fluke that caused my daughter to be born, I cannot imagine my life without her.
I have MS. I was diagnosed after our son (pregnancy #5) was 13 mos. old. Then, I got pregnant with our daughter (pregnancy #9) when our oldest was 8. I had to go off my MS meds, but the neurologist agreed I could nurse her for 4.5 mos, then back on the meds. I was ok with that. Our son was a preemie, so I pumped and bottle fed him my milk for almost 5 months.
If it comes to a choice between nursing and pain, I would choose formula. Nothing wrong with that – I did it after I weaned my littles at around 5 months old and they are both happy and healthy. Motherhood does not have to be the perfect image we are led to believe is the best option. As long as you can function, drive, etc., and your OB has no objections, I don’t see why it would be a terrible decision. Besides, friends and neighbors love to help (and they will – believe me). You won’t be alone. {{{Hugs}}}
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain all the time. My niece, who is 13, just had surgery to correct her spondylolisthesis. Her doctor told her she should be well enough to go on vacation with us in less than a month (though he told her she can’t ride roller coasters – ah, to be a kid and have that be your biggest problem!). I know that surgery is scary (I had scoliosis surgery at 17 and still have fused vertebrae and 4 rods in my spine), though the prospect of being in pain every day forever was scarier to me and to my niece as well. I apologize if this comment comes off as preachy or something that you’ve heard 1000 times before; I just believe in the power of good doctors and better living through medicine. Good luck in whatever you do and I hope you can get both physical and emotion relief
You said what has been on my mind for a while so much better than I ever could say it. I have psoriatic arthritis and hypermobility syndrome. My ankles, hips, and hands are a mess. My husband has ankylosing spondylitis. So with my health in jeopardy if I became pregnant, and our autoimmune disorders on both sides seeming like a poor ethical choice in reproduction… we’re not have kids together. I can’t say how many tears I’ve cried knowing that I will never get to be pregnant or give birth. I wish I had a comfort for you. But I have sympathy, empathy, and a shoulder to lend. And hugs. Lots of hugs.
I wish I had better advice to offer, but all I have is a single person’s experience. I don’t know if this can bring you any comfort in your decision whatsoever, and I definitely hope it doesn’t hurt, but I will say that as the daughter of a mother who deals with immense amounts of chronic pain every day, it’s not easy on either side. My mother basically has a very messed up spine due to multiple injuries and has dealt with severe neck/back pain since shortly after I was born and has most recently developed SEVERE sciatica. I grew up accustomed to the sound of my own mother crying from pain on a regular basis and there being nothing I could do. It’s not a whole lot of fun.
That being said, I’m certainly not trying to say that if you did decide to have a child it would be a bad decision for the kid. I still think I have a spectacular mother, despite the difficulties for both of us. However, there’s absolutely no reason to feel bad about deciding not to have a child because of the pain it would bring you. It IS hard to grow up seeing your parent in pain, and you have to take care of yourself right now. If not having a child is a decision that will enable you to live a healthier life as opposed to a life with more pain that you have now? Then you need to do what you need to do.
Sending lots of love your way!
Sorry I’m a little late to this but I too cannot have children due to health issues. I made the decision to get my tubes tied at 18 and have a hysterectomy at 21. I spent years having issues with baby showers and things like that. My brother told me he and his girlfriend were pregnant while I was in the hospital with my hysterectomy. It freaking sucked. I’m much better now with it except for the fact that I hate Mother’s Day but there are a host of reasons why I hate that day. But I did the same thing you did. I’ve heard from other women with congenital heart problems who have had babies and it’s dangerous. For them and the baby. It’s taken awhile, but I really know I made the right decision. Also, someone pointed out to me that the maternal instinct can be carried out on nieces and nephews, friends’ babies, mentoring teens, etc. That got me through a lot of years.