Coping With Partner Loss

by Band Back Together | Aug 25, 2018

Death, regardless of the details, is capable of devastating those it leaves behind.  Brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, or father – all losses are significant.  Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is as unique as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.

While we are hesitant to categorize and careful not to compare, we do acknowledge that there’s merit in recognizing commonalities.  Shared experiences tell us, if nothing else, that we are not the only ones. And if other people have had struggles similar to our own, then maybe our grief isn’t as crazy as it sometimes seems.

Please also see grief, grief and grieving, partner loss, and loss for more information.

There are a number of reasons why grieving the death of a spouse, fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other is difficult.

Also, we are going to use the term ‘partner’ and ‘significant other’ for the purposes of this article because they apply broadly, that’s our thought process and we’re sticking to it.

Losing someone you love, someone you’ve spent a good deal of your life with is very painful. There are a number of shocking emotions that bubble to the surface – anger, guilt, shock. Sometimes, the sadness you feel over the loss of your husband or wife can overwhelm you and make you feel as though you are drowning.

As hard as this is, these are normal reactions to the loss of a husband, wife or partner.

So what happens when it’s YOU who loses your partner? Or someone you love?

Why Is Partner Loss So Challenging To Grieve?

There are very few easy deaths for loved ones to have to grieve, partner loss (among the death of a child) is one of the hardest deaths to cope with. Here are but few reasons why losing a partner to death is so very complicated.

They Were Your Best Friend

People who have lost others, such as dear friends, find this loss hard to grieve. Most people consider their partner as their best friends, which compounds the loss. You not only lose your spouse, but you also lose your confidant, the person who knows you best.

They Were Your Person

When something dreadful or awesome happened, who’d you call? Just day to day stuff, non-emergent calls? Most people opt to call their person; their partner. They may have been the person who understood letting you be upset, then knew how to calm you down. They’re the one’s who knew almost everything about you – favorite food, favorite shows, favorite everything. Likes and dislikes, no one knew you better. You may forget some days after their death that they’re gone and find yourself trying to call them.

They Were Your Co-Parent

When most people think about losing a partner, they’re thinking about an elderly couple. Obviously, this is not always the case. and there may be Parenting is hard; being a single parent is harder; being the single parent of grieving children is one of the hardest.  When your co-parent has died, all responsibility falls on you to keep your children safe, clothed, and loved.

They Gave You Unconditional Love

Whether or not you agreed on every thing, love is accepting. Your partner knew your deepest, darkest secrets, how crazy you were, how flawed, but they loved you anyway. When you’ve become used to unconditional love, it can feel cold and dark when that unconditional love is gone.

They Were the Only Person Who Truly Knew You

Perhaps your partner knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs.  Maybe they knew your weaknesses and fears; where you came from; and what you’ve been through. It can be comforting to be ‘known’, but this kind of ‘knowing’ is not easy to come by and takes a long time to build.

They Paid Attention to Your Needs and Well-Being

Everyone is selfish some of the time, but overall, your partner looked out for your needs and tried everything to keep you happy and health. After expeireicing having someone like this, losing it can be very scary and isolating.

They Gave You Comfort And Physical Needs

Everyone needs to be comforted. This is universal. Having someone always there to comfort and physically hold you is a wonderful thing, however once it is gone, it may seem like you’re isolated and alone. Your partner may have known what to do, but no one else does.

Missing the Little Things

It’s only natural to grieve and miss the sweet little things your partner once did. At the same time, you may actually miss all the things that drove you crazy about him or her.

Living With Unresolved Guilt and Regret

It’s normal to feel guilt and regret about t things that happened in their relationship with the deceased, even if it occurred years before the person died.  Perhaps you wish you had treated your partner better, perhaps they never forgave you for something, maybe you regret something you said, maybe you regret not saying enough, or maybe you feel guilty for the fact that you survived and they died.  The battlefield of loss is fertile ground for the coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s that are typically seen in grief.

Your House Is Empty

After cohabiting with a person for many years, coming home to complete and utter silence can be awful. Most people would do just about anything to hear their partner’s “noses” around the house – their messiness, snoring, talking, singing, video games being played. Your bed will be half-empty at all times, making you feel majorly lonely.

You See Your Kids Miss Out On A Lot

Every time a milestone happens – father/daughter dances; mother/daughter sleepovers; proms; weddings; drivers licenses – you have to live with the knowledge that your child’s excitement may be somewhat tempered by grief over the absence of one of their parents.

Secondary Losses

Most partnerships include a division of labor: one cooks, one cleans, one takes the garbage out, one balances the checkbook. The chores that you’ve not been in charge of are now in your purview. You may have to re-learn how to do something you’ve never done before. There are endless logistics to this: you may need to get a job, childcare may be difficult to secure, paperwork from a death is incredibly complex, and you may even not feel like yourself any more. Balancing life after a partner death comes with a lot of pressure and responsibility

Being on Your Own is Hard

It’s hard to go from having a partner in life, to doing everything on your own.  It’s not that you can’t cope with life on your own, but you got used to the security and comfort of having someone at your side.

You Mourn All The Things Your Significant Other Will Miss

You may grieve for everything your partner will miss (has missed) out on.  Special moments, having children, having grand-babies, retirement – and other things your significant other would have loved .

You Mourn The Things You’ll Miss Out On, Too

After someone dies, it is normal to grieve the past as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.  After your loved one has died, you will mourn for all the things you had dreamed of sharing with them.

Pressure to Do Right By Them

If you’re the next of kin for your dead partner, the responsibility to make decisions is your job. Maybe you’d discussed end-of-life care, DNRS, estates, belongings, and funeral arrangements. Maybe you hadn’t, so you simply have to guess. In the best cases, the extended family agrees with you and supports you, but there are also people who fight you to do what”s right by your partner. Regret over decisions made at the end of a person’s life can make struggling with grief even more complex.

Special Days and Anniversary Reactions

Of course you’ll miss spending those “special days” with your significant other. This may be coupled with an anniversary reaction that triggers your grief and feelings of loss.

\You worry about being truly alone

You were supposed to grow old with your partner, and perhaps you worry that you will spend the rest of your life alone or lonely now that they have died.

Death Threatens Who You Are

Are you a wife?  A husband?  A widow? A widower?  After years together, being someone’s partner was a huge part of who you are. On your own, don’t be surprised if your identity changes.

Relationships Between Family and Friends Changes

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, people grow distant and they lose touch. There are a million reasons why, but sometimes losing a partner cuts your support system in half.

You Have To Live The REST of Your Life Without Them

And without them, this feels like a really really long time.

 You’re single again

Having been partnered off for years, you are now the single person in the room. It’s an isolating feeling.

Third Wheel

Many people who have other married friends have partners that are still alive. Going out with these friends can make you feel awkward and uncomfortable.

You Now Worry About Being Completely Alone

You were supposed to grow old with your partner, and often you may worry that you will spend the rest of your life alone or lonely now that they have died.

Dating After Death

Oftentimes, before you’ve even felt any desire to date again, well-meaning friends will push you to get back out there. If you’re not ready, tell them so.

On the other hand, there will be people who judge you for dating again (so soon?) after your partner dies. It’s a sticky situation for sure.

Your New Partner

Dating someone deeply in mourning can be incredibly hard. Your new partner may not understand why, if you’re dating him or her, aren’t you over your dead partner. It takes an incredibly amazing new partner to understand this:

• Death doesn’t END a relationship or feelings about the dead partner
• Make every effort to let the deceased’s memory into their life
• You can love a person in the present, while continuing to cherish a significant other who has died

How To Help Yourself Heal From The Loss of a Partner:

Losing someone who has been a part of your life for many years or decades can rock you to the core, your grief overwhelming you. Going from a twosome to a single is beyond painful, and it may be hard to learn to cope with this loss.

Physically, one of the most important things to do is to continue to take care of yourself – take your medications, see the doctor, and make sure you’re eating and drinking properly.

Take the time you need to grieve the loss of your partner. There is no time-table on grief and no set schedule in which you should be “over” it.

The more significant the loss (and the loss of a husband, wife, or partner is very significant), the harder the grieving process may be.

Remember, everyone grieves differently. Just because someone you know didn’t feel the same way you do doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong – grief is different for everyone.

Do your best to not play the “what-if” game. There is a lot of self-imposed guilt in those scenarios.

Ignoring the pain will not make the grieving process go any faster. It’s really important to face up to that ugly grief and let it out.

You don’t have to be strong. It’s okay to be weak. Losing a partner is a major life change, and the grief can be very consuming.

It’s okay if you don’t cry – not everyone cries to express their grief. You grieve in your own way in your own time.

Don’t let anyone else pressure you to “get over it.”

It’s common for other people (and yourself) to misunderstand how long it takes to adjust to a new life. It’s common to take far longer than a year or two, and that’s okay.

Lean on your family and friends, even if your pride hates it. This is the time to let people know what you need from them.

Join a support group for other people who have lost spouses. Grief is a lonely time – being surrounded by people who know how you are feeling can go a long way toward combating loneliness.

Talk to a grief counselor or therapist. Often times, someone trained in working with bereaved individuals can help you come up with new coping strategies for working through your grief.

Take care of yourself – physically. Get enough sleep, eat properly, and exercise. The mind and body have a powerful connection, and it’s important to take care of your body while your mind sorts through the grief.

Express your feelings in a tangible way. Write letters to your deceased spouse. Create a memory book. Put old photos in an album that you can look at.

Plan for grief milestones – birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays hold a special emotional significance. Expect that these milestones will be extra hard the first years without your partner.

Never, EVER allow someone to tell you how you should be acting, behaving, or feeling. If they try, cut them off until such time as you can explain why what they said or did was not acceptable.

How To Help A Loved One Who Has Lost A Partner:

When someone we dearly love loses a husband, a wife, or a partner, it is a shock to everyone around them. It can be almost impossible to know how to help someone who has lost a partner. Here are some tips for helping your loved one work through their grief over the loss of their partner.

Beware the Widowhood Effect: the first 3-6 months after your loved one’s loss are critical for their very own existence. Many people who have lost a partner have died between 3 to 6 months after the loss of their partner. It’s generally believed to be a combination of psychical and psychiatric complaints brought on by all the emotions of your loved one that result in a reduced immune system (among other issues) that can lead to death. Social contact has proven to be something that helps a loved one continue to survive the Widowhood Effect.

This makes visiting and checking in on your bereaved loved one as often as possible and encouraging him or her to get back out into the world.

It’s common to misunderstand how long it takes an bereaved individual to adjust to a new life. Some may adjust more easily than others. Stay close to your friend as his or her life changes – it’s a long battle.

Be present for your loved one – they have just suffered a major loss.

Listen non-judgmentally and compassionately. Your kindness will never be forgotten.

Remind yourself that grief is as unique as the person experiencing it – there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief simply is.

If you’re close to your loved one, assist with funeral planning. There’s a lot that goes into planning a funeral and reception, and these tasks are both devastating and require a lot of work.

Stay with your loved one if they would like and help to answer the door, the phone, or emails that may arrive.

Help your friend to organize any paperwork, medical bills, and other things associated with partner loss. That way, bills are paid on time, and your friend doesn’t feel he or she has one more thing to deal with.

Reach out to your friend. Call. Keep calling. Send text messages. Email. Do this frequently, even if they do not respond. Sometimes it’s all they can do to survive. But know that hearing from you can make a world of difference.

Continue reaching out, long after the funeral has ended. Support, by then, has probably dropped off, and it’s likely that your friend is really beginning to feel the loss of his or her partner.

Remember anniversary dates and help your loved one during these awful times. Birthdays, anniversaries, the day of the loved one’s death – these are all days that will be a lot harder on your loved one. Help by remembering to call, send a card, visit, or otherwise be there for your friend.

Cook frozen meals that your loved one can easily heat up. Many grieving people forget to eat, so having something around that’s easily prepare-able can make a huge difference.

Offer practical help – do a load of laundry while you’re visiting. Pick up some groceries at the store. Offer to run errands or accompany your loved one on errands.

Grief makes it very hard to do even the simplest things – sometimes having someone else around can give them the strength to brave the store or pharmacy.

Losing a partner, especially if it’s been a spouse of many years, will make them feel more alone than they ever have. If possible, spend some time just being with your friend. It’s hard going from being a twosome to a single.

Offer to go to weddings, funerals, and other situations in which their partner’s absence won’t feel as devastating.

Have a weekly dinner arranged to go out (or stay in) with your friend to give them something to look forward to.

So many of us want to “fix” the situation for our loved one, but it’s impossible. We cannot fix our friend, we cannot replace their partner – what we can be is a friend. Be there to love them and support them.

Be patient with your loved one. The range of emotions that grief puts us through runs from depression and anger to guilt and sadness. Patience is necessary and important.

Let them talk about all of the ugly emotions they might be feeling – allow them to do so in such a way that they do not feel as though you are judging them.

There may be legal issues involved if the deceased has a complicated family situation (overbearing in-laws, stepchildren, ex-spouse). Offer to help your friend navigate the waters of how to grieve while dealing with the emotions of others closely involved.

Your loved one, especially if you still have a partner, may not want to discuss their loss with you. It’s almost impossible to know the unique pain of losing a partner unless you have been there yourself.

If your loved one grieving his or her partner does not feel comfortable discussing the loss of their spouse, suggest local support groups for bereaved individuals.

Remember: you don’t have to have been a close friend of the family to go to the funeral and wake. It’s appreciated to see that many people are also mourning the passing of their partner.

Remember that the pain of losing a partner will never heal.

Take any signs of depression very seriously. Here is a page about depression for your reference.

Take any talk of suicide very seriously. This is a life-threatening emergency. Read up on suicide prevention here.

If your loved one speaks of suicide, call 911. Do not hesitate.

What to Say When Someone Has Lost A Partner:

Acknowledge the death by saying, “I just heard that your husband (or wife) died. I am here if you want to talk about him (or her).”

Express concern, “I’m so very sorry that you lost your wife (or husband).”

Be genuine without hiding your feelings, “I wish I knew what to say, but please know how much I care.”

Offer support, “Please tell me what I can do for you.”

Ask questions, “How are you feeling?” without assuming you know how the grieving person feels.

How NOT To Help Someone Who Has Lost A Partner:

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a partner. While we’ve talked about what TO say to someone who has lost their husband or wife, we haven’t discussed what NOT to say. Here are some suggestions for what NOT to say to someone who has lost a partner.

Do not expect that your loved one will “get over” their loss on a set time-table. Grief and grieving is unique to each person.

Don’t change the subject if the deceased individual comes up in conversation. It may be uncomfortable for you to talk about, but the person who is grieving wants to feel as though their husband or wife is not forgotten.

Don’t use “he” or “she” in conversation while referring to the deceased. Use their name.

As everyone grieves in their own way, don’t chastise your loved one for being “too happy too soon” or “wallowing.”

Should your loved one begin to date “too soon” after the loss of their spouse, remember that it’s neither your place to judge or understand coping mechanisms.

As always, avoid platitudes. Special mention goes to “He or she is in a better place.” It’s dismissive of the tremendous loss, and without knowing the religious background of your grief-stricken loved one, it may not be something they actually believe.

Don’t say, “I know just how you feel.” Unless you, too, have lost a partner, you do not know how they feel. That comment can cause a lot of anger as it feels dismissive of the loss.

Don’t make assumptions about your grieving friend based upon how they appear. Some people are excellent at hiding their emotions.

Do not dismiss your friend’s varying range of emotions. Because we each grieve in our own way, we may not experience the same emotions – there are no right or wrong emotions involved in the grieving process.

Avoid telling your loved one about your own grief experiences.

Do not compare grief – grief is different for everyone.

Do not offer unsolicited advice about “getting over” their grief. They will NEVER be over their grief.

Don’t offer reasoning about how they should or shouldn’t feel.

What NOT To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Partner:

“You’ll get remarried some day.”

“He/She was lucky to have lived to such an old age.”

“It was God’s will.”

“He’s/She’s in Heaven now.”

“Be thankful he/she is not in pain any more.”

“Think of all the good times you had.”

“You’ll feel better soon.”

“Count your blessings.”

“You have so much to be grateful for.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“Pull yourself together – be strong!”

“I know exactly how you feel.”

If you have any suggestions to add to this page, please email us at bandbacktogether@gmail.com!

Partner Loss Resources

by Band Back Together | Aug 24, 2018

What Is Partner Loss?

Loss of a partner, spouse, or significant other is a painful thing to endure.

The loss of a spouse can impact us profoundly at any times in our lives. On the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, loss of a spouse is rated as the most stressful event. Losing a lifetime companion when elderly can be devastating. The spouse who survives is also likely to be coping with the loss of friends and family members. There are additional issues with their own declining health and the loss of physical abilities; diminished sight, hearing, stamina as well as the loss of independence. The challenges the remaining spouse has to face can be daunting.

The death of a spouse is the ultimate marriage crisis. One day you are married. The next day you are single, alone and grieving. Nothing is forever. The bottom line is that you will need to know how to journey on this rough passage, through a maze of details, decisions, forms to fill out, shock, loneliness, anger, confusion, fear, a broken heart, and depression. However, there can also be acceptance and new beginnings.

“Everyone will someday lose everything they have ever loved or cared for. That’s the truth of life itself … But our grief is not simply about losing a loved one or facing our own mortality. Whether it’s losing a job, a marriage, a dream, or our youth, we all have had our hearts broken. Each of has lost our innocence, and made mistakes, and done harm and been harmed along the way. We all have with our individual stories of the when, where, how, what, and who of our heartbreaks.. Each of our stories is tenderly unique and yet all of us have a story … grief is the human condition; the tie that binds us all together.” David Treadway, Ph.D., “Good Grief: Celebrating the Sorrows of Our Lives.” on PsychologyToday.com (2012)

“Everyone experiences loss differently, and the last thing people need when they are in terrible pain is to feel that they are doing something wrong because they can’t figure out a way to make themselves feel better. Remembering that sometimes nothing helps can stop you from blaming yourself in the middle of your grief.”
Will Schwalbe,  “The Loss of a Loved One: How To Get Through It” on HuffingtonPost.com (2013)

Read more about loss, grief and grieving, and coping with grief.

Types of Grief and Loss

Loss is the involuntary separation from something we have possessed and perhaps even treasured, or someone we love and care about.

Everyone experiences a loss at some point in their lives – whether or not it is major or minor. Loss is universal.

Loss involves emotional pain. Significant losses produce emotional upheaval. Loss requires change and uncertainty and adjustments to situations that are new, unchosen, and uncertain.

Anticipatory Mourning

When a person or family is expecting death, it is normal to begin to anticipate how one will react and cope when that person eventually dies. Many family members will try to envision their life without that person and mentally play out possible scenarios, which may include grief reactions and ways they will mourn and adjust after the death.

Anticipatory mourning includes feelings of loss, concern for the dying person, balancing conflicting demands and preparing for death. Anticipatory mourning is a natural process that enables the family more time to slowly prepare for the reality of the loss. People are often able to complete unfinished “business” with the dying person (for example, saying “good-bye,” “I love you,” or “I forgive you”).

Sudden Loss

Grief experienced after a sudden, unexpected death is different from anticipatory mourning. Sudden, unexpected loss may exceed the coping abilities of a person, which often results in feelings of being overwhelmed and/or unable to function. Even though one may be able to acknowledge that loss has occurred, the full impact of loss may take much longer to fully comprehend than in the case of an expected loss.

Complicated Grief

There are times when grief does not progress as expected; the intensity and duration of grief is prolonged and dramatically interferes with a person’s ability to function. Symptoms of depression and anxiety may be prevalent and prolonged. Thoughts, feelings, behaviors and reactions may seem to persist over long periods of time with little change or improvement. In these situations, it is important to seek help from a qualified professional who can assess your individual situation and make recommendations that will help. It is important to seek help; complicated grief does not subside on its own.

What Are Secondary Losses?

Within every partnership, roles are eventually assigned to each partner: cooking, financial planner, social planner. When we lose a partner, we also lose the roles and responsibilities that the partner provided. These are called “secondary losses.”

The bereaved spouse must learn to manage these roles; roles they are not accustomed to being responsible for. Discovering that they can, in fact, perform these jobs may be a big boost for their self-confidence and may help establish a sense of normalcy to life. Often it is setting new patterns and routines that is the most difficult after a loss.

Finally, there will likely be bursts of emotion that come up from time to time, at birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. You may experience loneliness and withdraw from your social life. You may have a return of guilt when you begin dating again. It’s okay and normal to have these feelings.

What Should I Expect When My Partner Dies?

A lot of feelings may surface when you first lose your partner. In fact, you may be entirely overwhelmed by your emotions. That is okay and it will pass. Here are a fraction of the feelings you may feel:

• Guilt
• Sadness
• Loss of appetite
• Difficulty sleeping
• Shorter attention span
• Shock
• Fear of the future without him/her
• Depression, anxiety, stress
• The Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
• Pressure to date and form a new relationship
• Difficulty making decisions

These are often extremely intense in the beginning but lessen with time and acceptance. Notice your emotions, describe and label them, and allow them space. Ignoring your feelings or pushing them away only makes them stronger. There are ways to cope with loss.

Overwhelmed and stricken by grief, the elderly may ignore their own needs. They may have problems with self-care, sleeping, eating, and taking their medication. The result can be the intensification of physical and psychological problems. Their resilience is compromised. This is why we see the remaining spouse could die quickly after their spouse’s death. It is referred to as the “widowhood effect.”

Research found that there is an increase chance of dying for the elderly after a spouses’ death in the first three months following the loss. This is often referred to as the “widowhood effect.” During this time, the chances increase of a cardiovascular event. The survivor may also be susceptible to “broken heart syndrome” or stress induced cardiomyopathy.

The two events are different but can both be lethal.

Stress alters our immune system, at any age.

The grieving elderly are already more likely to have a compromised immune system. This makes them even more susceptible to infectious diseases. If already in poor health, the chances of death tend to increase.  It has also been found that widows and widowers tend to exhibit more cognitive decline than those who have not lost a spouse.

The emotions of grief are ageless. The surviving spouse experiences sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety and often despairs. They frequently feel they have lost their purpose in life as well as their love. Another important aspect of losing a spouse is that the survivor has lost their best friend and social contacts. It’s often hard for the elderly to reach out for help even with family members.

As bleak as it all sounds, it appears that the simple act of being involved with the elderly bereaved can literally make the difference between life and death.

Research on resiliency after the loss of a spouse found that the strongest predictors of resiliency were continued engagement in everyday life activities and in social relationships plus  anticipation that people would comfort them in times of distress.  In the research on cognitive decline in the elderly bereaved, it was found that having a high level of education or at least one living sibling appeared to protect against the decline associated with widowhood. Oddly,, research found that those who received emotional support from relatives had poorer health than those who received support from friends.

It appears that what is most important is some form of social contact.

Coping With A Partner’s Death:

There are a number of ways that we can help the elderly. We can be sure that they have frequent vision and hearing tests so they do not become shut off from the world.

Many bereaved elderly become afraid to leave the house due to these deficits. They often also have a fear of falling. Assisting them in getting a cane or walker is another way of helping them become more mobile. It is important to encourage them to take good care of themselves in mourning. They should get enough sleep, eat right and take their medications. It is also helpful for the elderly to be involved in an activity that provides them with a sense of purpose. Helping them to connect with a social group or charitable organization would help them to feel better about themselves as well as providing social contact. They should be encouraged to participate in some form of physical activity such as, swimming, aquarobic classes, chair yoga or other light exercise.

Just because one half of an elderly couple dies does not mean that the other need follow close behind. Becoming more aware of the challenges they face can help prepare us to help them.

With care and attention, we can reduce their loneliness and extend their lives.

There is no right or wrong way to feel after you experience a loss. Minor losses such as the loss of an opportunity, may bring feelings of frustration, disappointment, or anger. Major losses can lead to similar feelings; overwhelming feelings of sadness, pain, anger, or numbness.

You do not have to be “strong” after a loss to protect others around you. Expressing emotion is how the body and mind process and relieve the pressure of intense or overwhelming emotions. Crying or expressing other emotions does not make you less of a person. It is also not uncommon for people to feel numb. People who don’t cry may still be feeling the effects of a loss. Everyone expresses their pain differently.

No one can tell you how you should feel about something. Anyone who tries to tell you that how you are feeling is wrong is wrong.

No matter how long you’ve been together with your partner, losing him or her may elicit many different emotions.

There are many feelings a person may feel immediately following the death of his or her partner. They include:

You may feel guilt – Being the spouse left living, feeling as though you haven’t done enough, or that you could have saved your partner. You may feel guilt about conflicts or issues you had with your partner prior to their death.

You may feel anger – For having your partner taken away, for not having him or her wait, or for waiting for that person.

You may feel that you could have prevented his or her death.

You may feel sadness – For the permanence of the loss, for not knowing that she was so depressed she took her own life, for the things you will miss the most.

No matter how your significant other died, the grief you feel is real and can be very daunting. In addition to managing your shocking and overwhelming feelings, there are other responsibilities to manage as well. Often there are legal and financial issues with arranging a funeral. Children and pets may need to be attended to. Family dynamics may become exacerbated causing fights, tension, and stress. This doesn’t make dealing with your loss any easier and, if anything, it causes rifts among the people from whom you need support.

What Is The Widowhood Effect?

The widowhood effect is the increase of a person dying a relatively short time after their long-time spouse or partner has died. This pattern indicates a sharp increase in risk of death for the widower especially in the three months closest thereafter the death of the spouse. This process of losing a spouse and dying shortly after has also been called “dying of a broken heart.”

Becoming a widow is a very detrimental and life changing time in a spouse’s life, that forces them to experiences changes they might not have anticipated for additional time. Responses of grief and grieving due to the death of a spouse increases the surviving spouse developing physical and psychological illnesses.

Losing a long-term spouse can lead to symptoms like depression, anxiety, and feelings of guilt, as a result; due to the stresses in the widower’s the widow’s body becomes increasingly susceptible to new illnesses as well as exacerbate existing illnesses. The mind-body connection is very clear in grief and grieving.

There are many factors that may be affected when one becomes a widow. A widow, or widower tends to have a decline in health. Additionally, the chances of death of the bereaved partner spikes during the first six months – notably after three months – after their partner dies, compared to the following six months.

Grieving spouses are more vulnerable during these few months not only health-wise but socially and physically. During this early period of bereavement, spouses tend to have less interest in their health as well as physical appearance caring less about continuing with medications or adapting healthy behaviors such as eating healthy or exercising. Also, they are likelier to practice risky behaviors and commit suicide.

The Widowhood Effect appears to be far more prevalent in older married couples than in younger married couples, thus, studies that have been conducted in regards to this phenomenon have revolved primarily around observations of older widows. Through many studies conducted over the years, it’s been found that the widowhood effect affects the mortality rates of people with varying levels of severity depending on their genders and religions.

These studies have found  that The Widowhood Effect is seen far more often in more seasoned, long-term, elder couples than in recently married couples. Since the topic has only been recently studied within this last decade, and due to the prevalence of older couples being affected, most widows in similar studies are typically over the age of 50

The Widowhood Phenomenon is one of the best documented examples of the effect of social relations on health. There are many factors and theories about the widowhood effect, but in general, a study on a large population sample has suggested rates of death nearly double during the first three months after loss of a spouse, and quickly taper afterward.

As You Grieve:

• Take care of yourself – rest and eat regular meals.
• Reach out and talk to friends and family.
• Grief support and bereavement groups can aid you in healing from your loss.
• Don’t make major life or financial decisions; you may regret them later when you are thinking more clearly.
• See your doctor and/or therapist for a mental health assessment.
• Discuss the loss with your children and be patient while they are grieving.
• Take your time mourning. Remember you must go through the grief process to get to the other side.

It is normal to feel lonely after losing a partner.  You have not only lost a person you love, but also the person with whom you shared your life and hobbies. It will likely be hard for you to imagine how you are going to keep up with the kids, the house, or the bills without your partner.  It can take some time to find your footing and remember how to enjoy life again.  In the meantime, it helps to get involved in regular activities such as:

• Social groups such as book clubs, hiking groups, or bowling leagues
• Attending classes at the gym
• Adopting and caring for a pet
• Enrolling in an educational course
• Setting up a standing date with a friend for a walk or a meal

It is important to note that if you find that you are plagued with constant feelings of guilt or worthlessness, thoughts of suicide, or have a persistent inability to perform tasks at work or home, you may be experiencing clinical depression.  Please contact your physician for an evaluation.

If you are in crisis and/or have thoughts of suicide, there is a national hotline where help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:  1-800-273-8255

Additional Partner Loss Resources:

Bereavement Information and Assistance:

Grief Share offers many support groups for grieving partners

Legacy.com has support and information for spouses who are grieving.

Centering.org offers an extensive list of books as well as literature about grieving.

The Liz Logelin Foundation, an organization offering assistance to those who have lost a spouse, offers this Newly Widowed Checklist.

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation offers support to anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, with a special emphasis on those who have lost a spouse.

Hello Grief offers chat rooms and articles for various types of grief and loss.

PBS has a very helpful page for families who are grieving with children.

The Hospice Foundation of America has an informational video for those who have lost a partner and resources for locating support groups.

The American Widow Project provides resources for military families who have suffered a loss.

Documentation-Related Information When Your Spouse Dies:

Executor’s Role in Estate and Will Probating

Make a Will online – No matter how old you are, you should have a will. Your wishes need to be laid out and your family shouldn’t have to struggle wondering what your plans for your assets would be. Make a will online. They are very inexpensive but are valuable in case of your death.

Financial Steps to Follow Following the Death of a Spouse (while this site IS old and the information may be outdated, but this is the very best explanation of the financial steps)

Page last audited 8/2018

Coping With The Loss of A Child

by Band Back Together | Aug 23, 2018

It’s hard to imagine that the world hasn’t stopped. It’s hard to believe that everything keeps on going. When the horror of losing a child becomes a reality for you or someone that you love, you want to do something – anything – to help someone who has lost a baby, infant, or child.

But… how?

The path after someone has lost a child seems so fraught with peril, normal comfort measures seem too stupid, too trite for someone who has experienced such a monumental loss. But you can’t simply ignore the reality: your friend has experienced one of the worst horrors a person can go through – they have lost a child. It is up to you to be there for them.

Here are some tips coping with after losing a child.

Processing The Grief After Losing A Child:

Grief is a process. Although parents would wish otherwise, grief cannot be bypassed or hurried; it must be allowed to happen. Parents do not go through grief and come out the
other side as before the loss. Grief changes parents. One approach to understanding bereavement, developed by Dr. J.W. Worden (2002), identifies grief not as a succession of phases through which a person passes with little or no control, but as four tasks for the bereaved person:

Accepting the reality of the loss:

When someone dies, there is always a sense that it hasn’t happened. The first task of grieving is to come full face with the reality that the child is dead, that the child is gone and will not return. The opposite of accepting the loss is not believing through some type of denial. Denial usually involves either the facts of the loss, the significance of the loss to the survivor, or the irreversibility of the loss. To accomplish this task, the parent must talk about the dead child and funeral, as well as the circumstances around the death.

Working through the pain of grief:

It is necessary to acknowledge and work through the pain of grief or it will manifest itself through some symptoms or atypical behavior. Not everyone experiences the same intensity of pain or feels it in the same way, but it is impossible to lose someone with whom you have been deeply attached without experiencing some level of pain. The negation of this second task is not to feel.

People may avoid feeling pain by using thought stopping procedures or by avoiding reminders of the child. Many emotions such as shock, anger, guilt and depression may be expressed. The bereaved need to allow themselves to indulge in the pain: to feel it and know that one day it will pass. Some say it is easier to express emotions with someone who knew the child or who can relate to the experience directly.

Adjusting To Life In Which Your Child Is Gone

Caring for a child takes an amazing amount of time and energy. Parents and other caregivers once consumed with the constant task of meeting the needs of a child are suddenly forced into inactivity. Where responsibility was, is now emptiness. During this adaptation to loss, people can work to avoid promoting their own helplessness by gradually re forming schedules and responsibilities. Creating meaningful rituals like a special memorial or keeping a journal or writing poetry are helpful components of completing this task.

Emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life:

Survivors sometimes think that if they withdraw their emotional attachment, they are somehow dishonoring the memory of the child. In some cases, parents are frightened by the prospect of having another baby because he or she might also die. For many people, this task is the most difficult one to accomplish. They may get stuck at this point and later realize that their life in some way stopped at the point the loss occurred.

Some bereavement experts note the grieving process includes not only the parent adapting to the loss and returning to functioning in their life, but also includes changing and maintaining their
relationship with the infant or child. It is normal for parents to report that they having an ongoing relationship with their child through their memories and mental life.

How To Cope With The Loss Of A Child:

No matter how deep your grief and pain, no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone.

Factors that may interfere with the grief process:

• Avoiding emotions
• Overactivity leading to exhaustion
• Use of alcohol or other drugs
• Unrealistic promises made to the deceased
• Unresolved grief from a previous loss
• Judgmental relationships
• Resentment of those who try to help

Complicated grief is delayed or incomplete adaptation to loss. In complicated grief, there is a failure to return, over time, to pre-loss levels of functioning, or to the previous state of emotional well-being. Grief may be more difficult in younger parents, women, and persons with limited social support, thus increasing their risk for complicated grief. The grief surrounding a child’s death is unique in its challenges and may necessitate professional counseling from the clergy, grief counselor, family physician, or mental health professional.

You are not to blame for the loss of your child.

The emotions experienced after the loss of a child can range from shock, to anger, to depression and back again. You may feel like you will never be whole again.

Many parents grieving the loss of a child have trouble sleeping. If that’s the case, ask a family doctor for a mild sedative. It’s very important to be rested as best as you can.

Grieving mothers and fathers may express their grief differently. A grieving mother may want to talk it out, while a grieving father may suffer in silence. This may cause both parents to feel like they cannot relate to each other

Grieving fathers may seek diversions – extra work or a new project – to cope with the loss of their child, hoping these diversions help them to stop thinking about their grief. They may have a hard time asking for help It may be especially difficult if one parent works at home, surrounded by the reminders of their lost child.

In the first weeks after a baby has died, the day of the week and hour of their death will be the most difficult time. After awhile, it may be the day of the month the child died. After awhile, it will stretch out to other anniversary dates, like the child’s birthday and holidays. What’s important is to focus upon what you need to happen during those days – if you need to get away from it all, do that. If you want to celebrate with family, do that. But make sure you do what is most important to you during those hard days.

Name your baby – if you’ve experienced a stillbirth or a miscarriage and haven’t named your child, yet, do so. This will help to give your baby an identity, and it will be comforting to you when friends and family call your baby by name.

Collect some mementos of your baby – you may feel too grief-stricken to think about keeping your baby’s things, but it is important. Later, you will realize how meaningful these hats, pictures, or stuffed animals can be.

if possible, be with your baby – even when he or she is dying. It may seem an insurmountable thing – to watch your baby die, but parents who have lost children say it is very important to do so if you can.

You’ll probably be asked about an autopsy. An autopsy may provide some answers as to why your child died and help provide some closure. It’s something you can elect to do or not do.

Invite friends and family to your baby’s funeral. While many people may not have met your child, having your loved ones with you can be very comforting. This is a chance for public recognition of your baby, a celebration of life.

Get into your grief, not out of it – many people want to rush around, keep busy, work harder, to have another baby – all to escape the grief. It doesn’t work that way. Your baby will live on forever in your heart and not acknowledging your loss may hinder the grieving process.

Take good care of yourself – grieving and loss depresses the mind and body. You may not want to eat, brush your teeth, take a shower, but you need to. Sometimes, the smallest step can make you feel very accomplished.

Write it out – write it here, for The Band, or in a private journal, but the act of putting words together in sentences can mean all the difference in the world.

Get help – talk to family and friends, and don’t be afraid to seek professional help from a grief counselor. There are many support groups available for grieving parents, which you may get from the NICU staff at your local hospital.

While you want to believe that you will recover quickly and entirely from the death of your child, that’s rarely the case. The journey through grief takes time and much work. The days will become less painful,

Admitting to themselves and others that their grief is overwhelming, unpredictable, painful, draining, and exhausting—that their grief should not be diminished or ignored.

Allowing themselves to be angry and acknowledging that they are vulnerable, helpless, and feeling disoriented.

Trying to understand that to grieve is to heal and that integrating grief into their lives is a necessity.

Acknowledging the need and desire to talk about the child who died as well as the moments and events that will be missed and never experienced with the child.

Maintaining a belief in the significance of their child’s life, no matter how short.

Creating memorial services and other rituals as ways to commemorate the child’s life.

Deriving support from religious beliefs, a sense of spirituality, or a personal faith.

Expressing feelings in journals, poetry, prayers, or other reflective writings or in art, music, or other creative activities.

Trying to be patient and forgiving with themselves and others and refraining from making hasty decisions.

Counting on, confiding in, and trusting those who care, listen, and hear, those who will walk with them, and not be critical of them, those who will try to understand their emotional and physical limitations, while also trying to understand and respect the limitations of their caretakers.

Increasing their physical activity and maintaining a healthful diet.Volunteering their services to organizations concerned with support for bereaved parents.

Obtaining help from traditional support systems, such as family, friends, professionals or religious groups, undergoing professional counseling, joining a parent support group, or acquiring information on the type of death that occurred as well as about their own grief.

Reassuring themselves and others that they were and still are loving parents.

Letting go of fear and guilt when the time seems right and the grief seems less.

Accepting that they are allowed to feel pleasure and continue their lives, knowing their love for the child transcends death.

How To Help A Friend Who Has Lost A Child:

When faced with the loss of a child, many people are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing. This is a mistake. Many people are afraid to bring up the deceased child, fearing it will open wounds and raw feelings. You may think that bringing it up will not help, but your friend has not forgotten for one second that her child has passed away – not saying the child’s name will only hurt the family because it will make the grieving family feel their child is forgotten

Comforting a Grieving Parent:

Send a photo or keepsake with the child’s name on it. It will be cherished by the grieving parents.

Send a card when you learn that your loved one has lost a child. They will hold onto these keepsakes for a long time.

If you don’t know what to say, tell your friend. Chances are, they don’t either. Simply knowing that they have someone patiently there with them can make all the difference.

If your friend begins to cry, don’t feel badly like it’s your fault. Grieving parents may cry a lot, and it’s not your fault. Just hold their hand or (if you’re in public together) take them some quiet place to allow them to calm down.

Not all grief looks the same. While some people will grieve the loss of their child by crying, not all will cry in front of you. That does not mean that they are “better” or “over it.” They will never be over it.

Grief is hellishly uncomfortable. If you begin to feel uncomfortable around your grieving loved one, stay anyway.

Ask, “can I help you with anything?” If your friend says no, ask again. Then ask again.

Figure out, through other friends or family members, what sort of help the grieving parents need and do it without being asked. Grief may make it very difficult to manage even the simplest tasks – they might not even know what they need.

Let your loved one talk about their lost child.

Share stories about the baby or child.

There is no time-line for grief.

When you visit, bring a bag of groceries, throw in a load of laundry, clean up the kitchen. Daily responsibilities are extremely difficult while in the throes of grief.

It’s okay if you only have fifteen minutes to stop by and visit. Do it anyway.

If you’ve agreed to help your friend, DO IT. Find someone else to do it, if you can’t manage it. Asking for help is REALLY hard, so if you’re asked, HONOR it.

Follow the lead of the parents. Discuss what they want. If they go to those places, you can discuss those things, but don’t try to steer it there. Sometimes, the grieving parents may want to talk about their child and the unfairness of it all, and other times they may want to hear funny stories or talk about reality TV.

Address the unfairness. People often worry about addressing how awful the situation is, but the parents want to hear that people get the hell they are in. The parents feel alone when they don’t think people understand how awful this is. Saying things like, “This is the worst thing. I am so sorry and sad that it had to happen to you and your child,” helps.

Food is very helpful. The last thing you want to do when mourning is worry about eating. There are always people around after a death, and the last thing you want to think about is feeding them. A gift of food also tells the parents they are loved.

If you’re financially able to, send some money to the grieving parents. The cost of a funeral for a child is high, and is often (especially if the loss of the child is not expected) not planned for.

Say or express something you never have before. If you have never told the person that you love them, come right out and tell them that you love them. If you’ve never held their hand, hold their hand. Give hugs. These expressions mean a lot.

Do not be afraid to take initiative.

Be there for your friends. Call, email, text. Tell them they don’t have to respond. Let them know you are thinking of them, and their child, all the time. Don’t drop away after the funeral – that’s when they’ll need you the most.

Be the kind of friend that you would want to have.

Remember the living children. When visiting, bring a toy or something you think the child would like.

Try to remember the dates that are associated with the loss. They may include:

• The anniversary of the child’s death.
• The date of the miscarriage.
• The due-date of the miscarriage.
• The birthday of the lost child.
• Your friend’s birthday
• Holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Make a donation to a specific cause or charity in honor of your friend’s lost child.

Be patient with your friend.

How NOT To Help A Friend Grieving The Death of a Child:

Don’t be afraid of intruding. You’re not.

Don’t be afraid of offering practical help. Your friend probably has no idea what he or she needs, so take some initiative.

Don’t avoid or ignore the grieving parents. They are already grieving a loss, and losing a friend or loved one only compounds it.

Don’t leave when you become uncomfortable. It will only make your friend feel worse – guilty about their grief.

Don’t avoid talking to your friend because you don’t know what to say.

Do not say, “It is for the best,” even if you believe it. It is trite, unfair bullshit.

Don’t shirk on promises – if you’ve agreed to do something for the grieving family, failing at your responsibilities will feel like a bigger slap in the face.

Don’t be hurt if the grieving parents say something mean or hurtful. They’re not quite themselves, which means they lash out. Be patient.

Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind.

Even if the grieving parents are intensely religious, they may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and they could be angered/saddened by mention of religion.

Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more.” I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mama that anyone wants her baby more than she does.

So many people hate seeing their loved one in such pain and want to fix it. Consequently, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. – all things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this.

Don’t be afraid to bring up the lost child – the grieving parents will already be thinking of their child.

If your friend doesn’t want to discuss their lost child or their feelings, accept that and move on to another topic.

Don’t say, “I know how you feel,” because you do not. It minimizes the grief and grieving they’re going through.

Don’t say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Your friend does it because he or she has to.

Don’t mention silver linings. That feels condescending and rude.

Don’t put a time-table on grief. No one knows how long it will take to grieve the loss of a child, so don’t expect that your friend will simply “get over it” in a specific period of time. They won’t.

Don’t refer to the child in impersonal ways – instead, use the child’s name. It may feel uncomfortable to you, but it will remind your friend that the world has not, in fact, forgotten their lost child.

Don’t forget about the siblings of the lost child. Not only have they lost a brother or sister, they’ve lost their parents during the grieving process.

Never discount your gut. If your friend seems to be suicidal or is beginning to isolate, seek professional help.

Don’t forget the anniversary dates – almost no one remembers the second anniversary of a child’s death. This makes parents feel as though the world has forgotten their child.

Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost.

Page last audited 8/2018

Child Loss

by Band Back Together | Aug 23, 2018

What Is Child Loss?

The loss of a child is unbearable; the pain one experiences when their child – their living, breathing baby or toddler or older child – leaves this earth is just that. It’s the most unnatural, unfair, painful experience one can endure.

1. Miscarriage affects about 25 percent of women who become pregnant during their lifetime. The experience of pregnancy loss can be devastating to couples, yet the majority of women who miscarry become pregnant again soon after the loss. This can become emotionally and physically challenging for the couple. They are often plagued with concerns about the possibility of another miscarriage and whether they made an appropriate decision to conceive again.
2. Stillbirths, occurring in about 1% of pregnancies, can leave a feeling of disorientation, yearning and despair. Hospitals will give parents the option of spending time with the baby to say goodbye, and many parents have said that seeing their child was important for their grief process and enabled them to see the baby as a part of themselves. Another form of infant loss is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)-the most frequent cause of death in children under one year of age-that creates a profound void and sense of loss in the family.
3. Approximately 2,000 children are reported missing every day, and these kidnappings and cases of missing children cause parents almost unbearable pain. Not knowing whether a child is dead or alive results in confusion, fright and anxiety. When the bodies of kidnapped children are found, parents may express saddened relief that their children can now have a proper burial and healing can finally begin.
4. The parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance.
5. Each day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer in the U.S., and 35% of those will die. Cancer remains the number one disease killer of children. The anguish and extreme pain parents experience begins with diagnosis. One part of the parents’ heart hopes for a cure, while the other part begins the quiet process of impending grief.

The worst thing that can happen to any parent is the loss of a child, regardless of the age of the child. People are uneasy and reluctant to talk about death and certainly not about the death of a child.  Many people will pull away from a family that has suffered the death of a child as though somehow having a child die is contagious. Families who have lost children will say that others “Just don’t get it.” They are expected to move on and get over it when that will never happen. The pain will wax and wane but it is always there. With time, the pain will lessen enough to allow the parent to return to the living but their child is never far from their mind.

Grief can vary depending on how the child died. Some children will die from violence, some from cancer or other medical diseases. There are also miscarriages and stillbirths. These tend to be the less visible losses but can be just as painful. I have older adults who will talk about the loss of a child to stillbirth 40 years prior and how old the child would currently be if he had lived. The disappearance of a child has its own special torment. The parents never give up hope that their child will return someday. These parents live with intense anxiety and fear. The uncertainty can be unbearable at times.

For parents who have lost a child, the pain is indescribable. They suffer depression, anger, guilt, despair and loneliness. Even years later, parents sometimes say they cannot wait until they die so they can see their child again. They are not suicidal but long for that reconnection. The vast majority of parents have a strong belief that they will be reunited with their child on death.

The death of a child can also lead to marital stress. If there have been unresolved issues in the relationship, they can reemerge often with greater intensity. Different grieving styles of husband and wife can also cause hurt and misunderstanding, exacerbating the pain they already feel. While not all of these marriages end in divorce, a large number of them do. I frequently ask parents who have lost a child not to make any major life changing decisions for at least the first year.

All parts of the parents’ lives are impacted by the loss. In addition to the emotional aspects of grief, there are also the physical and spiritual components. As with most grief, some will be angry at God while others will find strength in their religious beliefs. Physically, the effects of stress can wreak havoc with sleep, appetite and concentration, lowering our immune system and making us more vulnerable to illness.

The age of the child at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation. It feels completely unnatural for a child to die before his or her parents. However, over 57,000 children under the age of 19 die every year in the United States.

Many grieving parents question whether life will hold any meaning for them and wonder how they will survive the pain of their loss. Parents describe the feeling as having a hole in their heart that will never heal, and may blame themselves and ask, “If only I had.” Or they may be angry with their spouse, the physician, God, or the government.

Parents feel alone and isolated in their grief, as friends and relatives are often at a loss as to what to say. But it is important to talk to people who understand the loss. This may be family, friends, clergy, therapists, or support groups.

Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn’t mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon how the child died. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage, other experiences of loss are more traumatic, such as an accident, illness, murder or death during war.

Please also visit our additional resource pages: miscarriage, coping with a miscarriage, loss, grief, coping with grief, baby loss

Coping With Pregnancy and Infant Loss:

When a baby dies before it is born or soon after birth, parents face a difficult emotional task: they must try to say goodbye to someone they had little chance to know. They must accept that a life has ended, even though it barely began. Just as with any death and loss of a child, you are likely to experience some of the more common symptoms of grief — you may go into shock or even deny that your baby has died.

Depression, anger, frustration and other painful emotions are normal and to be expected. And even if you are normally a committed, caring person, you may find that you don’t care about anything or anyone right now.

For many parents, this time is simply one of existence and survival and very little more. There are two normal reactions to death that you will probably experience very acutely after losing a baby before or shortly after birth: anger and guilt. Because a baby’s death seems so unnatural, there is an especially strong urge to blame someone. You may be very angry with your doctor, hospital or — if you are a believer — God.

Guilt is a common reaction to the death and loss of a child, and can be particularly acute for parents who lose an infant or an unborn baby. Parents of unborn babies who die often mistakenly blame themselves for the death. The mother may believe she harmed her baby.

Both parents may tell themselves they should have sensed something was wrong and alerted their doctor. While this is a normal reaction and must be processed, eventually you must find compassion for yourself and realize that this was not your fault. You were not responsible. Knowing that it was not in your control has both an upside and a downside: you cannot blame yourself, but you may also have an increased sense of powerlessness. Getting through this is part of the process.

Many parents feel overcome by a tremendous sense of emptiness. Pregnancy brings with it a number of expectations, dreams and fantasies – you spend months planning not just the birth of your child, but also his or her life in all the years to come. Now, just as both parents are emotionally preparing to welcome a child into the world, you must instead accept the loss of both the baby and all of your expectations for their future.

Parents of infants will have a different set of triggers and potentially painful situations in the months following your baby’s death. Your home may be filled with baby clothes, bottles, and a crib. If you registered with any new mother websites or infant sites, subscribed to any magazines or registered for a shower, you are likely to receive coupons for baby food or formula and more in the mail. A baby magazine may show up as a trial subscription. Photographers may call and offer to take baby pictures. Just walking past the infant-wear department in a store may initiate tears of mourning.

After the death and loss of a child it may be difficult to resolve the grief you feel for the baby you lost. Even before you can accept your baby’s death, you must accept his or her life — their existence as a person. Remember, no matter how brief your baby’s life, you have just as much right to grieve as any other bereaved parent.

What Is Loss?

Loss is the involuntary separation from something we have possessed and perhaps even treasured, or someone we love and care about. Everyone experiences a loss at some point in their lives – whether or not it is major or minor. Loss is universal.

Loss involves emotional pain. Significant losses produce emotional upheaval. Loss requires change and uncertainty and adjustments to situations that are new, unchosen and uncertain.

There is no right or wrong way to feel after you experience a loss. Minor losses such as the loss of an opportunity, may bring feelings of frustration, disappointment, or anger. Major losses can lead to similar feelings, overwhelming feelings, sadness, pain, or numbness.

You do not have to be “strong” after a loss to protect others around you. Expressing emotion is how the body and mind process and relieve the pressure of intense or overwhelming emotions. Crying or expressing other emotions does not make you less of a person. It is also not uncommon for people to feel numb. People who don’t cry may still be feeling the effects of a loss. Everyone expresses their pain differently.

No one can tell you how you should feel about something. Anyone who tries to tell you that how you are feeling is wrong is wrong.

Sudden Losses

are losses that happen due to accidents, crimes or suicides, that do not give us any time to prepare. These type of losses often shake us to the core, making us question the stability of life. The loss can feel immediate, severe, and agonizing. It can be difficult to sort through many emotions and feelings at the same time, and it may take time and space to adjust to the loss.

Predictable Losses,

like those due to terminal illness, allow for us to prepare for the loss. This type of loss also creates two layers of grief: anticipatory grief (the grief related to the anticipation of the loss) and the grief related to the loss itself. 

One reason loss is so difficult is that it can be permanent. As humans, our lives are so fluid that the idea of permanence can be difficult to grasp. Further, if your life is structured around the person, object, or concept lost, it can be difficult to adjust to new patterns and routines.

How Are Surviving Children Impacted By Sibling Loss?

One of the most difficult roles for a mother or father after the death and loss of a child is to continue being a parent to the surviving children. Parents must continue to function in the very role they are grieving — an enormous challenge. But the surviving child or children shouldn’t feel that they are alone or have been set aside, as difficult as it may be to find the emotional reserves to support them. Parents have the difficult task of switching roles constantly, from being comforted to being the comforter, at a time when they have little ability to do so. Some parents swing to the other extreme and become extremely overprotective of their child, determined to keep them safe.

Children of all ages process grief differently. To ensure the healthy survival of your family, your children’s needs must be addressed not only by you but other family members who may have greater emotional reserves at this time. Others can help you help your child; you are critical to their healing process, but not the sole provider of comfort.

Marital Stress and the Death of a Child

Studies have shown that the death and loss of a child will not necessarily strengthen a marriage, and the grief can sometimes lead to divorce. Each partner becomes deeply involved in his or her own grief and is often dissatisfied with the quality or depth of their spouse’s grief. When coupled with the anger, frustration, guilt, and blame that often surround a child’s death, parental bereavement can be a time of extreme volatility in a marriage. It’s extremely important that each spouse understands the importance of communication (sharing of feelings), and just as one should not judge themselves for their reaction to the loss, nor should they judge their spouse.

No two people grieve alike, so there is wide range of differences in the expression of grief. Any of these differences may cause spouses or partners to erroneously conclude that their mate has rejected them or feels “less.” A bereaved couple may find it impossible to give comfort to each other when both are feeling an equal grief. Each partner may expect too much and receive too little. This unfortunate combination can create a chasm in a relationship, but it can be avoided if each accepts that you both are deeply hurt. Many of the reactions and stresses you are feeling result from your pain, not from something lacking in your relationship.

However, it is not true that most couples divorce after the loss of child. Recent studies offer some hope, showing that a much lower rate of divorces – only 12–16% — are related to the loss of a child. Perhaps with more of an understanding about grief, there will be even fewer.

Parents often experience more anger, depression, guilt, and physical symptoms than those grieving other losses. Conflict can occur between the parents due to lack of understanding about each person’s way of expressing grief. Marital problems, which were present before the child’s death, can re-emerge, often with increased strength. Blaming can occur and the words that are said to each other in anger and grief can have a lifelong impact.

With time, the pain lessens and a different future is created. During the bereavement period, a wide array of emotions and symptoms can be experienced, such as denial, self-blame, sleeplessness, fatigue, anxiety and despair. These are all normal parts of the intense grieving process, and the intensity of feelings change as you move through bereavement.

Lasting Impact of Child Loss:

The death of a child is a traumatic event that can have long-term effects on the lives of parents. This study examined bereaved parents of deceased children (infancy to age 34) and comparison parents with similar backgrounds (n = 428 per group) identified in the Wisconsin Longitudinal Study. An average of 18.05 years following the death, when parents were age 53, bereaved parents reported more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, and more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption than were comparison parents. Recovery from grief was associated with having a sense of life purpose and having additional children but was unrelated to the cause of death or the amount of time since the death. The results point to the need for detection and intervention to help those parents who are experiencing lasting grief.

What To Expect After a Child Dies:

 Grief is one of the most common reactions to a loss. There are typically five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

These stages may happen in any order, at any time, or not at all. Some people feel some but not all of the stages of grief. Because there is not a typical loss and each situation is different, it is hard to figure out what a “typical reaction” is. Some people feel:

Shock:

After the death and loss of a child you may initially feel numb, which is your mind’s way of shielding you from the pain.

Denial:

Your child can’t be dead. You expect to see your son or daughter walk through the door, or to hear a cry on the baby monitor.

Replay:

After the death and loss of a child your mind may center on the “what if’s” as you play out scenarios in which your child could have been saved.

Yearning:

Many parents report praying obsessively to have even five more minutes with their child so they can tell them how much they love them.

Confusion:

After the death and loss of a child your memory may become clouded. You may find yourself driving and not remembering where you’re going. Because your mind is trying to process such a huge shock, normal memory functions can be precluded, putting you in a “haze.” You may at times even question your sanity, though you are not crazy. Your pain is affecting your emotional and psychological systems at an extreme level — a sense of being on overload is common.

Guilt:

Guilt appears to be one of the most common responses to dealing with the death of a child. Parents often mentally replay their actions prior to the death and wonder what they may have done differently.

Powerlessness:

In addition to feelings of guilt, parents often have a sense of powerlessness that is attributed to feeling that they were not able to protect their child from harm.

Anger:

Anger and frustration are also feelings reported by most parents and are common to grief in general. If your child’s death was accidental, these emotions may be intensified. You may also be angry that life seems to go on for others — as if nothing has happened.

Loss of hope:

After the death and loss of a child you are grieving not only for your child, but also for the loss of your hopes, dreams and expectations for that child. Time will not necessarily provide relief from this aspect of grief. Parents often experience an upsurge of grief at the time they would have expected their child to start school, graduate, get married, etc. Parents are rarely prepared for these triggers and the wave of grief they bring. Be aware of these triggers, and allow yourself to grieve. This is a normal, appropriate and necessary part of the healing process.

However you are feeling, it can be overwhelming and out of control. One way to manage intense emotions is to observe them, describe them, and label your emotions. Sometimes putting a name to your emotion can help you express it. Also remember that we experience emotions like a wave- the emotion will build, crest and recede.

Coping With The Loss of a Child

Don’t expect that you’re going to “get over it.” The only way to “get over” a loss is to go through the stages of grieving. There’s no reason to try to be the strong one – just let yourself feel however you feel.

Write about it. Sometimes the act of writing down how you’re feeling can help solidify those feelings and help you to grieve your loss. Let yourself feel the loss. The only way to get through a loss is to go through the stages of grief. You can’t bypass it, no matter how much you’d like to. Sit with your feelings and acknowledge them. We remember your babies, always. Please share your story

Exercise – exercise releases endorphins, which are the “feel-good” hormones.

Be sure to take care of yourself physically. Go through your daily hygiene routines, get up and do something.

IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD!

The resolution of parental grief may seem like an overwhelming task, but it is possible. It’s important to be both realistic and optimistic — you will never get over the death and loss of your child. But you will survive it, even as you are changed by it. You will never forget your child or his or her death. As you go through each holiday, each season, each happy and sad occasion that may trigger another wave of grief, you will gain greater strength and better tools for coping with the pain.

Don’t hide from your emotions:

After the death and loss of a child you have feelings of guilt – which are common but not always present — confront and admit them. Examine the reality of how your child died and your actual intentions and actions at the time. You may see your actions or reactions in a more positive light. Forgive yourself for being imperfect — you did and continue to do the best that you can.

Don’t minimize your own loss. If it was a loss, it was a loss. Losses are meant to be grieved.

Don’t compare your loss to others’ loss. It’s apples and oranges. You feel a loss how you feel it, not how someone else feels it.

Accept happiness: 

After the death and loss of a child one of the major hurdles parents experience in their return to the world of the living is their inability to accept pleasure — or acknowledging that it even exists. But happiness or enjoyment is one of the most important survival tools, even if for just a moment in your grief. It’s okay to laugh in the midst of tears, to smile at someone or something. You might feel that your laughter betrays your child’s memory, but you need to know you are not abandoning your grieving by enjoying yourself. The only way to survive bereavement is to step away from it occasionally.

Small Steps:

After the death and loss of a child it is important to break down the future into small increments, an hour or a day, and deal only with one portion at a time. Focus on tasks — feed the cat, do the laundry. These little bits of normalcy and focusing on the moment at hand will make grief more bearable.

Remember the positive:

Focus on the positive events and experiences in the relationship you had with your child. At some point, consider making a journal of all the details you want to remember about your child’s life. Review your family photographs and include some in your book. You may not feel ready to do this right away or you may take great comfort doing this in the early days — each person is individual in his or her needs.

Let people know your needs: 

After the death and loss of a child many people want to be supportive but are at a loss for what to do — they are unable to process this loss or know exactly what to say. Bereaved parents may have to be the ones to take the first step in reaching out to others. Let friends and family know your needs, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re afraid of running into someone who might say something about your child, ask a friend to do some shopping for you. Others could help you deal with daily tasks. Maybe you’d like someone to be available to listen to you or be around to ease your loneliness. Only you know what you need.

Talk to friends and family who love you and make you feel good about yourself. Lean on people who love you and care about you.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – someone who is trained to help you get through your grief.

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes a dedication to life. As a parent, you gave birth to life as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible as it may seem right now.

You will survive this; however, the experience will change you.

What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Child:

People tend to avoid grieving parents, in part because they do not know what to say or do and do not want to upset them further. Below are some of the comments they would find helpful from others:

• “Please use my child’s name when you speak to me.”
• “Share stories with me about my child that I may not know.”
• “I am doing the best I can, so please don’t judge or criticize me.”
• “Just listen to me. Let me talk and show my feelings. I can’t take care of you by pretending I am fine.”
• “It really upsets me when you say you know how I feel. If you have never lost a child, you don’t have a clue.”
• “Let me do things in my own way and time.”
• “Please don’t avoid me; I am in enough pain without feeling abandoned.”
• “I am never going to get over this so stop telling me I have to.”

When talking to grieving parents, what we say can often make them feel worse. We cannot take away their pain, but by following these guidelines we can offer them some comfort and support.

How To Help Someone Who Has Lost a Child:

Listen non-judgmentally. Even if you don’t understand why the person feels a certain way, just listen.

Offer to help around the house with specific tasks.

Offer to take surviving siblings out for the day/week/etc.

Ask about the situation. Just because they’re not talking about it, doesn’t mean they don’t want you to ask about it.

Be there for them. Even if it means taking care of small chores or calling a couple times a week, letting them know they have someone who cares around can do wonders.

Sit with them. Even if they don’t want to talk about it, sometimes having someone nearby helps the person mourning the loss to know that they are not alone.

Ask how they are feeling. Acknowledging that they suffered a loss and allowing them to express their feelings can go a long way.

Remember their loss. Many people don’t acknowledge a loss for fear that it might make the mourner feel badly, but remembering every year around the anniversary of the loss can make a huge difference.

Let them feel their feelings. It’s in our nature to want to fix problems and tell people how they can fix their loss. But loss and feelings don’t work that way.

Call them. Email them. Reach out to them. Keep reaching out, even if they don’t respond.

Don’t minimize their feelings.

Check in with the person on anniversaries, important dates, or around holidays. Often these are times when people reconnect with the pain of their loss

What NOT To Say To Someone Grieving A Child Loss:

If you found this page because you have a friend or family member who has lost a child, thank you for caring. The fact that you want to know what to say to him or her shows how much you care. Below is a post that will give you some insight into what you should and shouldn’t say.

“It was God’s plan”

“You can have another one!”

“At least you had (X amount of time) with him/her”

“Focus on the kid’s you DO have.”

“Stop wallowing – your child wouldn’t want you to wallow.”

Additional Coping With Child Loss Resources:

Glow in the Woods– Community of Baby Loss Bloggers

How to Plan a Baby’s Funeral– From the Glow in the Woods Bloggers

The Compassionate Friends– The Compassionate Friends organization provides online and in person support for families who have lost a child, regardless of their age. They provide local chapter meetings, candlelight memorials and grief support for siblings and grandparents.

Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program– The SUDC Program was created to be a centralized resource for those affected by a sudden unexpected death in childhood, whose cause is left undetermined, unclear or unexplained. The site offers counselors for all family members, a huge database of resources and many articles.

CURE Childhood Cancer – A wonderful organization dedicated to help families who are going through cancer treatments and diagnoses with their child. It’s a wonderful resource for family members and other caregivers as well.

Page last audited 8/2018

Parent Loss Resources

by Band Back Together | Aug 23, 2018

What is Parent Loss?

Your mother or father has died. Whether you had a good, bad or indifferent relationship with the parent who died, your feelings for him or her were probably quite strong. At bottom, most of us love our parents deeply. And they love us with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summons.

You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of this significant person in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.

While the death of a parent is a rite of passage; no adult child should expect a parent’s death to leave them unaltered. It is quite normal for a parental death to have a profound affect on even the most stable of people.

The death of a parent imposes an unexpected crisis for healthy, well-functioning adults. This crisis may lead to psychological distress, depression, alcohol use and abuse, and impaired physical health.

These effects are generally unnoticed as the adult child mourning the loss of their parent assumes that they are unusual for their strong response.

Society gives few messages that seem mixed about how to “appropriately” grieve for parents. Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement in this country. However, the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.

After all, the death of a parent is the natural order of things.

When a parent dies, we are supposed to be prepared for this normal life passage, or at least be more ready to accept it when it happens. We are expected to pick ourselves up, close the wound quickly, and move on. We should not require much time to get over it.

Again, the death of a parent is the natural order of things.

However, just because the death of a parent is common place and is the natural order of things, this does not mean a person can or should be expected to simply and quickly bounce back.

On the contrary, the death of one’s parent(s) is extremely difficult for most if you have had a good relationship with your parent(s) and even if you haven’t. In fact, sometimes the latter makes it even more difficult due to unresolved issues or conflicts.

When a parent dies, it can be unexpectedly devastating and cause considerable upheaval in even an adult son or daughter’s life. The magnitude of this loss can take you by surprise and helpful resources are not that plentiful.

Here are a few suggestions for coping with the natural order of things, or when a parent dies:

1. Don’t expect to be ready for the natural order of things; you won’t be.

2. Never let anyone belittle this loss, make you feel guilty for grieving deeply, or hurry you through your grief. You are entitled to feel all of grief’s intricacies and all of grief’s intensity.

3. Grieving for a parent, like all grief, can be exhausting emotionally, physically and spiritually. Be kind to yourself.

4. This work of grief takes time; the process must not be hurried. And it is never entirely over.

5. Even as an adult, don’t be surprised by feelings of abandonment and uncertainty that you experience.

6. After they are gone your parents will continue to be a part of your life, just in a different sense. You will always be their son or daughter.

7. Grief does not end. Rather grief comes and goes. And then it comes again.

8. If you feel the need, seek out support from others who’ve been there, a friend who cares, or a professional who can help guide you through the work of grief.

When a parent dies, yes, it is the natural order of things.

But taking time to grieve for them should be as well.

When a parent dies, we lose the chance to show them the people we become as we get older. We lose the ability to learn the wisdom their age and experience brings.

There is an added component when you find yourself suddenly the oldest generation in the family. A new set of pressures lies with you on top of the grief you are going through.

We may no longer be small children, but even as adults, we were our parent’s child. When a parent is gone, we lose the title of “someone’s child” forever.

What is Loss?

Loss is the involuntary separation from something we have possessed and perhaps even treasured, or someone we love and care about.

Everyone experiences a loss at some point in their lives – whether it is major or minor. Loss is universal.

Loss involves emotional pain. Significant losses produce emotional upheaval. Loss requires change and uncertainty and adjustments to situations that are new, unchosen, and uncertain.

There is no right or wrong way to feel after you experience a loss. Minor losses, such as the loss of an opportunity, may bring feelings of frustration, disappointment, or anger. Major losses can lead to similar feelings, overwhelming feelings, sadness, pain, or numbness.

You do not have to be “strong” after a loss to protect others around you. Expressing emotion is how the body and mind process and relieve the pressure of intense or overwhelming emotions. Crying or expressing other emotions does not make you less of a person. It is also not uncommon for people to feel numb. People who don’t cry may still be feeling the effects of a loss. Everyone expresses their pain differently.

No one can tell you how you should feel about something. Anyone who tries to tell you that how you are feeling is wrong is wrong.

Visit here to learn more loss and coping with loss

Sudden Losses are losses that happen due to accidents, crimes, or suicides and that do not give us any time to prepare. These type of losses often shake us to the core, making us question the stability of life. The loss can feel immediate, severe, and agonizing. It can be difficult to sort through many emotions and feelings at the same time, and it may take time and space to adjust to the loss.

Predictable Losses, like those due to terminal illness, allow for us to prepare for the loss. This type of loss also creates two layers of grief: anticipatory grief (the grief related to the anticipation of the loss) and the grief related to the loss itself.

One reason loss is so difficult is that it can be permanent. As humans, our lives are so fluid that the idea of permanence can be difficult to grasp. Further, if your life is structured around the person, object, or concept lost, it can be difficult to adjust to new patterns and routines.

How to Cope With Loss:

 Grief is one of the most common reactions to a loss. There are typically five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

These stages may happen in any order, at any time, or not at all. Some people feel some but not all of the stages of grief. Because there is not a typical loss and each situation is different, it is hard to figure out what a “typical reaction” is. Some people feel:

• Shock and disbelief – difficulty accepting what happened, numbness.
• Sadness – one of the more common feelings experienced. This may also be emptiness, despair, loneliness, and crying.
• Guilt – things you said, shouldn’t have said, or wanted to say, not preventing the death.
• Anger – feelings of anger and resentment.
• Physical symptoms – aches, pains, headaches, nausea, changes in sleep or weight.

However you are feeling, it can be overwhelming and out of control. One way to manage intense emotions is to observe, describe, and label your emotions. Sometimes putting a name to your emotion can help you express it. Also remember that we experience emotions like a wave – the emotion will build, crest, and recede.

Talk to friends and family who love you and make you feel good about yourself. Lean on people who love you and care about you.

Don’t expect that you’re going to “get over it.” The only way to “get over” a loss is to go through the stages of grieving. There’s no reason to try to be the strong one – just let yourself feel however you feel.

Write about it. Sometimes the act of writing down how you’re feeling can help solidify those feelings and help you to grieve your loss.

Let yourself feel the loss. The only way to get through a loss is to go through the stages of grief. You can’t bypass it, no matter how much you’d like to. Sit with your feelings and acknowledge them.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – someone who is trained to help you get through your grief.

Exercise – exercise releases endorphins, which are the “feel-good” hormones.

Don’t minimize your own loss. If it was a loss, it was a loss. Losses are meant to be grieved.

Don’t compare your loss to others’ loss. It’s apples and oranges. You feel a loss how you feel it, not how someone else feels it.

Be sure to take care of yourself. Go through your daily hygiene routines, get up, and do something.

IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD!

Tips for Coping With the Loss of a Parent:

Remind yourself that you have every right to grieve the loss of your parent. An adult child may be the forgotten mourner as other family members assume that the adult child has moved on with their life and is not as affected by the illness or death of a parent. It’s not true. The loss of a parent is painful at any age.

Release your feelings:

Find ways to grieve and share the memories of your parent.

At Band Back Together, we welcome posts about your loved one. Please share your treasured loved one with us.

Reach Out For Support

Consider getting support from a grief counselor These professionals are trained to help you understand your feelings and find additional ways to cope. Look into support groups, which allow you to connect with other people who are coping with the loss of a parent.

Lean on family and friends. They can be a great source of comfort during the loss of a parent, even if they’ve not experienced the loss of a parent themselves.

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others. Think of it this way: grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand.

If your parent was old, you may find that others don’t fully acknowledge your loss. As a culture, we tend not to value the elderly. We see them as having outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom, experience, and love. And so when an elderly parent dies, we say, “Be glad she lived a long, full life” or “It was his time to go” instead of “Your mother was a special person and your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Blended or nontraditional families can also be the source of disenfranchised grief. If you have lost someone who wasn’t your biological parent but who was, in the ways that count, a mother or father to you, know that your grief for this person is normal and necessary. You have the right to fully mourn the death of a parent-figure.

Seek out people who acknowledge your loss and will listen to you as you openly express your grief. Avoid people who try to judge your feelings or worse yet, try to take them away from you. Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Allow yourself to “dose” your grief; do not force yourself to think about and respond to the death every moment of every day. Yes, you must mourn if you are to heal, but you must also live.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your parent’s death, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.” Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Search for Meaning

Use the tragedy of losing a parent to grow as a person. Use it to change how you approach your own aging process. Use it to become a better friend and partner and to learn how to express the love you have for others.

You may find yourself asking “Why did Mom have to die now?” or “What happens after death?” This search for the meaning of life and living is a normal response to the death of a parent. In fact, to heal in grief you must explore such important questions. It’s OK if you don’t find definitive answers, though. What’s more important is that you allow yourself the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.

Treasure Your Memories

Though your parent is no longer physically with you, he or she lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry, but in either case, they are a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.

You may also want to create lasting tributes to your parent-child relationship. Consider planting a tree or putting together a special memory box with snapshots and other keepsakes.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

Grieve in measured doses. Life does, indeed, go on. Don’t force yourself to think all day every day about your parent’s death. Of course you must mourn to heal, but you must also go on with your life.

Forgive yourself for being human. Some of us have remarkably troubled relationships with our parents, and the loss of a parent may cause us immeasurable guilt, as there’s no amending any past troubles.

To live and love wholly again, you must mourn. You will not heal unless you allow yourself to openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. And never forget that the death of a parent changes your life forever.

Pay Attention to Your Health.

Grief often leaves people feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. It makes sense to eat regularly and rest when you need to. A visit to your family doctor is also a good idea. Your doctor can assist you in understanding the symptoms of grief. When you’re not feeling like yourself, reassurance from a doctor you trust can be very comforting.

Watch Out For Grief That Turns to Depression:

What Are The Symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder?

The main symptom of Major Depressive Disorder is a pervasive feeling of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration that interferes with daily life for more than two weeks, however there are often additional symptoms a person experiences. Please call your doctor if these symptoms appear for longer than two weeks;

Other symptoms of MDD may include:

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Change in appetite and weight
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
• Loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Social isolation – ignoring social requests, preferring to stay in alone
• Changes in sleeping patterns

Symptoms in Older Adults

In older adults, MDD may look a bit differently than it does to those younger which unfortunately means that older adults may be under-diagnosed with MDD. Here are some specific symptoms of major depressive disorder in the elderly:

• Memory difficulties or personality changes
• Physical aches or pain
• Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems or loss of interest in sex — not caused by a medical condition or medication
• Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things
• Suicidal thinking or feelings, especially in older men

Symptoms in Children and Teens:

Common signs and symptoms of depression in children and teenagers are similar to those of adults, but there can be some differences.

• In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, clinginess, worry, aches and pains, refusing to go to school, or being underweight.
• In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using recreational drugs or alcohol, eating or sleeping too much, self-harm, loss of interest in normal activities, and avoidance of social interaction.

The Emotions You May Feel After A Parent Dies:

Your grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. Your particular experience will be influenced by the type of relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people, or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The parent-child bond is perhaps the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. In response to this loss you may feel a multitude of strong emotions.

Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the feelings you may have. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

Sadness – it’s expected to feel sad after a parent dies, but the overwhelming grief may catch you off guard. Especially if it’s the second parent to die, leaving you an adult orphan.

Anger – if you came from an abusive or dysfunctional family, it may bring those feelings of unresolved anger back out to the surface. If you came from a loving family, you may be angry that you’ve now lost it forever.

Relief – if your parent was ill before they passed away, you may feel relief when they do die. The relief may be especially evident if you were the caregiver for your sick parent. Feelings of relief do not imply you are a “bad person” or “bad child”; it’s a natural response.

Guilt – should you have had a difficult relationship with your parent, you may experience guilt over what was said (or what was not said). Maybe you feel guilt because you didn’t spend enough time with your parent. Guilt is very normal.

Abandonment – even as an adult, you may feel deeply abandoned when your parent dies. You are no longer their child and you no longer have those ties to your past. Abandonment is especially common when both parents are deceased.

How The Death of a Parent Impacts the Family:

Grief is as unique as the person who experiences it.

If you have siblings, the death of a parent will affect them differently than they affect you. The death of a parent may bring up old (and new) rivalries between siblings, and this is natural following a parent’s death. You and your brothers and sisters may disagree about the funeral, for example, or argue about family finances. Recognize that such conflicts are natural, if unpleasant. Do your best to encourage open communication during these times.

When the death of one parent leaves the other a widower, try to understand how difficult the death of their spouse was. Dealing with the loss of a spouse is very different than losing a parent. Try to be as caring and compassionate as you can toward your surviving parent. Here is a resource for partner loss.

The death of a parent may be very challenging for your children to handle. Just as your relationship with your parent was unique, their relationship with their grandparent was also unique.

Seek extra support.

Additional Resources For Parent Loss:

Journey of Hearts – a wonderful site with ways to remember your loved one and ways to deal with the stages of grief.

Page last updated 8/2018