Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance as well as an intense preoccupation with themselves.
The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” such as criticism or rejection.
What Are The Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include the following:
A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others).
Is obsessed with him- or herself.
Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated.
Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships.
Becomes furious if criticized.
Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
Requires extreme admiration for everything.
Feels entitled – has unreasonable expectations of special treatment.
Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs.
Has zero empathy – cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others.
May be envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her.
Behaves arrogantly, haughtily.
Children of Narcissists:
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who have children open their children up to a WORLD of damage and child abuse. Generally, Narcissistic Parents are possessively close to their children when they are small – their children are a source of self-esteem. Parents with NPD are unable to truly love their own children – they are simply a means for attention from others.
When their children grow to become more independent, the narcissistic parent may feel jealous or envious of the child.
While there are many ways in which a Narcissistic Parent abuses his or her child, there are times that a Narcissistic Parent is kind. This makes the abuse harder to handle for children of Narcissistic Parents – the child knows that the underlying tension means that one wrong move means that things will go wrong and the Narcissistic Parent may fly into a Narcissistic Rage.
Children of Narcissistic Parents must adhere to the agenda of the the Narcissistic Parent for their lives to be stable. Asserting their feelings, their rights, or their thoughts can lead to much bigger problems. These children of Narcissistic Parents learn that their feelings are invalid, unimportant, and inconsequential. They often stifle all feelings to keep the peace in the house.
When a Narcissistic Parent is kind, the child learns that this kindness comes with an agenda, with strings attached. Generally, the strings include guilt or a feeling of being beholden to their Narcissistic Parent, “If I do this for you, you OWE me,” is a common behavior of Narcissistic Parents. The child is exposed to conditional – or love that requires criteria – love.
One of the problems with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes years for the children to figure out that their parent isn’t quite right in the head. By this time, these children are simply doing everything they can to please the impossible-to-please parent. It takes years to understand that the parenting they got was both wrong and abusive.
Young children of narcissists learn that everything they do is a reflection on the parent, which means that the child must fit into the intended personality and behavioral mold. These children experience tremendous anxiety as they must continually push aside their own personality to please the parent and provide the mirror image the parent so desperately requires. If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life, the children will be overtly-punished, frozen out, or avoided for hours, days,or even weeks depending on their perceived transgression against the narcissistic parent.
Children feel their narcissistic parent as unpredictable and confusing, especially considering narcissists are awfully challenging for even adults to understand. Try to imagine how the narcissist in a child – because children can’t really understand the narcissist’s interpersonal stunts, these children often internalize shame, believing that they are the problem. This shame turns to anger inside the child and dreadfully impact’s self-esteem. The bond between the narcissistic parent and child is weak. The child doesn’t feel loved consistently as he or she is only measured by the yardstick of the parent’s actions and reactions.
As narcissists see themselves as perfect, they usually completely believe that they are doign the best as parents; that any resistence or negativity on the part of the child is simply the “child being ungrateful.”
Unfortunately for these children, it’s often years or decades later, their lives as a child of a narcissist begin to make sense. Friends and partners often see the crazy parenting of a narcissist, which helps a child get a reality check. After all, you don’t know your parent is messed up until you see the way other people’s family behave.
Narcissistic Parent Glossary And Terms:
Narcissistic Attachment: is the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as a particular status.
Parentification: is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.
Infantilization: using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the Narcissistic Parent.
Narcissistic Injury Those with NPD are shaped by an acute emotional injury during their very early “narcissistic” developmental phase (ages 2 to 4 years old). A traumatic experience such as loss, deprivation, or shame involving the primary caregiver is thought to be at the root of narcissistic injury.
Triangulation: a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. For example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the Narcissistic Parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed Narcissistic Supply.
Narcissistic Supply: is a term used to designate the manner in which narcissists require, feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a Narcissist. Children of narcissists are used as an ongoing source of this attention.
Hoovering: Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often cruel, they ultimately make those around them miserable and eventually drive many people away. If a source of “supply” pulls away or tries to go “no contact,” the narcissist typically attempts to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within his realm of control
Gaslighting: a way in which Narcissistic Parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is actually green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.
Projecting The narcissist has a big bag of tricks. One of her go-to abuses is projection, in which she beams her words, actions, traits, and motives onto others. If she lied, you are the liar; if she is childish, you are immature; if she insulted you, you are critical; if she demanded reassurance, you are insecure; if she ate food off your plate, you are a selfish piggy. Through projection, the narcissist blames the victim and denies all accountability.
Projection is an insidious form of lying that is especially traumatic for children, who internalize the belief that they are victimizing the person who is actually abusing them. This false reality produces a cognitive dissonance in which the child is told that what happened is the opposite of what she perceived—white is black. A narcissist may project her ideal beliefs about herself onto others, such as her golden child or someone she admires.
Narcissistic Rage: Narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a Narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children. Generally occurs when one or more of the following things happen to the narcissist:
The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable.
The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.
The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries
The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions. The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image – like not being given preferential treatment
The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.
The narcissist feels (fears) that he or she is not in control of their relational or physical surroundings.
What Are The Types of Narcissistic Parents?
Narcissistic Parents fall into two different categories. Engulfing parents and ignoring parents. Both of these types of Narcissistic Parents are incredibly damaging to their children.
The Engulfing Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who see no boundaries between themselves and their children. Children are seen as extension of the parent – not as another person. For babies and toddlers, this is okay – small children don’t often see themselves as separate from their parents anyway.
An engulfing parent uses tactics like Parentification, Infantilization, and Triangulation (see glossary above) to keep the child close. This type of narcissistic parent will ignore all boundaries as a child ages, seeing no problem asking overly personal questions, reading the child’s emails and personal stories.
The Ignoring Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who don’t actually care much about their children. Unlike Engulfing Parents, an Ignoring Parent sees the boundary between themselves and their child, and has no interest in their child.
This can be extremely confusing and bewildering as the child grows to feel unloved, uncared for, hindering future relationships for this child. Often, an Ignoring Parent doesn’t even bother helping a child with physical cleanliness, teaching hygiene, or helping with school work.
The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She’s a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her partners and children. She’s is all about performing. She’s noticeable, flashy, fun and “out there.” Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don’t really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.
The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But… if you don’t accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.
The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.
The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic as the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less… but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.
The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.
The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child’s feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.
Family Dynamics In Narcissistic Parent Households:
Roles and rules in the narcissist family are fluid and changeable depending on the narcissist’s motives at any given time.
The Narcissist: This is Mom or Dad, or both parents, and/or stepparents. The narcissist is the family tyrant, with everyone else revolving around her.
The Enabler: This is usually a spouse of the narcissist. The enabler supports the narcissist’s larger-than-life persona, his extreme sense of entitlement, and his attitude and behavior toward others. The narcissist manipulates the enabler to do his bidding typically through alternating abuse and special treatment. The enabler is always avoiding attack while also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, or money. The enabler is often under the delusion that s/he is the only one who can truly understand the narcissist and meet his needs.
If there are several children in a Narcissistic Household, the dynamic may be one of the Golden Child versus the Scapegoat, which can cause major friction and rightful jealousy between the children.
Flying Monkeys: These are a type of enabler, often one or more children in the narcissist family. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they mindlessly assist in the narcissist’s dirty work. The most manipulable members of the family make the best flying monkeys.
The Golden Child, seen as an extension of the Narcissistic Parent, can do no wrong, and even the most minor of achievements are cause for celebration, admiration, and rewards. The narcissist lavishes her chosen one with attention, praise, and approval, even if s/he has done nothing in particular to “earn” it. The narcissist often projects what she wants to believe about herself onto her idealized offspring. If it suits the narcissist, she may shift her tactics and select a different one of her children for the golden child role.
The Scapegoat Child is to blame for all of the family woes. While the Golden Child can do no wrong, the Scapegoat Child can do no right. All achievements are dismissed.
Clearly, this imbalance causes problems between the children, and offers the Narcissistic Parent the opportunity to Triangulate, as the Narcissistic Parent acts as a go-between between the children.
Traits of Narcissistic Parents:
While these traits may not match all Narcissistic Parents, what follows are some common traits of Narcissistic Parents:
1) A Narcissistic Parent has difficulty understanding the emotions of empathy and how to create meaningful connections. As the personal needs of Narcissistic Parents dominate, these parents have little room for the needs of anyone else. It makes it almost impossible for these Narcissistic Parents to relate to the feelings and meet the physical and emotional needs of their children.
2) A Narcissistic Parent owns the successes of his or her children. In a Narcissistic Parents mind, he or she has been sacrificing everything for his or her child – the child must retaliate by performing at or above expectations. These childhood achievements are then owned by the Narcissistic Parent as their own, “he’s a great soccer player – it’s my genetics. I was always athletic, too.”
3) Narcissistic Parents must be in control. No matter what. A Narcissistic Parent controls his or her children by dictating how these children should feel, should act, and the decisions to be made. This can lead to adult children of Narcissistic Parents being unsure of what they, themselves, like and want out of life. These Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents never learn to be autonomous and make his or her own decisions.
4) Narcissistic Parents emotionally blackmail their children. A Narcissistic Parent often is indulgent, kind, and sweet if a child is behaving in the way their Narcissistic Parent wants. However, the moment a child is disobedient, a Narcissistic Parent becomes enraged and cruel. This show of “I love you, go away,” creates insecurity and dependency among children of Narcissistic Parents.
How Do Narcissistic Parents Control Their Children?
There are a few ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children. These control mechanisms include:
1) Codependent Control:“I need you. I can’t live without you.” This prevents children of Narcissistic Parents from having any autonomy, from living their own lives.
2) Guilt-Driven Control:“I’ve given my life for you. I’ve sacrificed it all.” This method of control creates a feeling of obligation in children; that they “owe” their Narcissistic Parents and must behave in a certain way to make their parents happy.
3) Love Withdrawal Control: “You’re worthy of my love ONLY BECAUSE you behave the way I expect you to.” So long as their children are behaving properly, a Narcissistic Parent will be loving. That love disappears the moment a child doesn’t meet expectations.
4) Goal-Oriented Control:“We have to work together to achieve a goal.” These goals are generally the goals, dreams, and fantasies of a Narcissistic Parent. A Narcissistic Parent lives vicariously through his or her children.
5) Explicit Control: “Obey me or I’ll punish you.” Children of Narcissistic Parents must do as they’re told or risk shame, guilt, anger, or even physical abuse.
6) Emotional Incest Control:“You’re my one true love, The One, the most important person to me.” An opposite-sex parent makes his or her child fulfill the unmet needs of the Narcissistic Parent.
How Do Narcissistic Parents Abuse Their Children?
Narcissistic Parents have many subtle – and some not-so-subtle- ways in which they abuse their children. These types of abuse include the following:
1. Rejecting: Narcissistic parents will often (either purposefully or unconsciously) tell a child – in many ways – that he or she is not wanted. Belittling the child’s needs or putting a child down is a form of emotional abuse that makes the child the family scapegoat for all problems.
constant criticism
name-calling
telling child he/she is ugly
yelling or swearing at the child
frequent belittling and use of labels such as “stupid” or “idiot”
constant demeaning jokes
verbal humiliation
constant teasing about child’s body type and/or weight
expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite sex
refusing hugs and loving gestures
physical abandonment
excluding child from family activities
treating an adolescent like he is a child
expelling the child from the family
not allowing a child to make his own reasonable choices
2. Ignoring: Narcissists often struggle with meeting the needs of their children and may not show any attachment or positive nurturing to the child. Narcissists may ignore their children, may be physical present but emotionally unavailable. These behaviors are considered to be emotional and psychological abuse:
no response to infant’s spontaneous social behaviors
failure to pay attention to significant events in child’s life
lack of attention to schooling, peers
refusing to discuss your child’s activities and interests
planning activities/vacations without including your child
not accepting the child as an offspring
denying required health care
denying required dental care
failure to engage child in day to day activities
failure to protect child
3. Terrorizing: Narcissistic parents may use threats and yelling are doing major psychological harm to their children. Singling out the scapegoat child to punish, ridicule, or criticize the child for using normal emotions is abuse.
excessive teasing
yelling, cursing and scaring
unpredictable and extreme responses to a child’s behavior
extreme verbal threats
raging, alternating with periods of warmth
threatening abandonment
berating family members in front of or in ear range of a child
threatening to destroy a favorite object
threatening to harm a beloved pet
forcing child to watch inhumane acts
inconsistent demands on the child
displaying inconsistent emotions
changing the “rules of the game”
threatening that the child is adopted or doesn’t belong
ridiculing a child in public
threatening to reveal intensely embarrassing traits to peers
threatening to kick an adolescent out of the house
4. Isolating: A narcissistic parent often isolates his or her child from engaging in normal activity, restricting eating, insisting a child remain in his or her room all day and night.
leaving a child unattended for long periods
keeping a child away from family
not allowing a child to have friends
not permitting a child to interact with other children
rewarding a child for withdrawing from social contact
ensuring that a child looks and acts differently than peers
isolating a child from peers or social groups
insisting on excessive studying and/or chores
preventing a child from participating in activities outside the home
punishing a child for engaging in normal social experiences
5. Corrupting: Narcissistic parents may attempt to corrupt their child by exposing them to age-inappropriate activities, including drugs or alcohol, pornography, or criminal activities.
rewarding child for bullying and/or harassing behavior
teaching racism and ethnic biases or bigotry
encouraging violence in sporting activities
inappropriate reinforcement of sexual activity
rewarding a child for lying and stealing
rewarding a child for substance abuse or sexual activity
supplying child with drugs, alcohol and other illegal substances
promoting illegal activities such as selling drugs
6. Exploiting: Many narcissistic parents manipulate or force inappropriate activity on their child, such as doing chores far above a child’s ability.
infants and young children expected not to cry
anger when infant fails to meet a developmental stage
a child expected to be ‘caregiver’ to the parent
a child expected to take care of younger siblings
blaming a child for misbehavior of siblings
unreasonable responsibilities around the house
expecting a child to support family financially
encouraging participation in pornography
sexually abusing child or youth
What Happens To The Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents?
As the narcissistic parent child bond was so corrupt, unfortunately many children of narcissistic parents gravitate toward roller-coaster, drama-filled relationships, especially partners. As these people did not grow up with the belief that they were good or even okay inside, it makes perfect sense that they would choose unstable romantic relationships, too. Adult children of narcissists often feel out of place in a relationship of consistent love and caring, and in fact may feel major anxiety about such a relationship, so they choose relationships that remind them of the bond with his or her narcissistic parent.
The adult child of a narcissist feels that he or she must cater to – and keep their partner happy – even when that involves denying their own needs and feelings.
It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist go into therapy therapy or experience a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create stronger, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us value in our relationships.
Once the child or adult child of the narcissist starts to get psychologically healthier and begins to distance himself from the parent, the narcissistic parent experiences a sort of existential panic. Often, it’s a therapist, coworker, or friend who tells the adult or child of a narcissistic parent that his or her parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. Once the parent engages in fight mode, the narcissistic parent becomes furious and works to ostracize whomever they suspect of pulling the child away from the parent’s grip. Though it can be confusing for the adult child to understand why his or her narcissistic parent verbally tears apart his or her friends and confidants, the parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what matters most to the narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs – not those of the adult child.
Growing up with all emotional needs unmet, becoming a “mini-adult,” being the product of so much emotional abuse takes a tremendous toll on a child of a Narcissistic Parent. If the Narcissistic Parent does not stop the abuse or the child does not receive adequate help, one of two scenarios happens to adult children of Narcissistic Parents.
1) The child grows to have narcissistic traits, and becomes a Narcissistic Parent to his/her own children. This perpetuates the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.
2) The child becomes a “covert” or “inverted” narcissist who remains codependent and may seek out abusive relationships with other narcissists.
Difficulties Faced By Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:
Lack of Trust and Intimacy: Children of narcissistic parents learn at a young age that it’s best not to express feelings or confide in others and that trusting another to protect you is a mistake. Sure, it’s difficult and lonely to always put up a barrier up to protect yourself from others, but it’s better than being hurt over and over again.
Not Knowing What You Value or Want: It’s pretty difficult to know what’s important to you when your entire life has been lived as a reflection of your parent’s wants and needs. And, don’t forget, you were told repeatedly that you were a poor reflection at that. It’s little wonder that even those children of narcissists who think they know what they want believe they’re probably wrong and don’t trust their feelings
Believing That You’re Unlovable Children of narcissists grow up never being as good at anything as their parents. Any problems in the family were the child’s fault. As such, they learn that they’ll unlikely to ever amount to much, aren’t worthy of other people’s acceptance and love, and often let people walk all over them because they’re not in touch with what they need and they don’t know how to express it. Accordingly, children of narcissists tend to replicate the dysfunctional relationship they had with their parents by unconsciously seeking out romantic partners who are equally critical, withholding, and emotionally unavailable.
Picking Up Narcissistic Traits of Your Own – If you’ve been denied the spotlight all of your life, you may desperately crave some (any!) attention, even if it’s negative attention, and many children of narcissists do just this. Of course, since children of narcissists rarely received the attention they crave and aren’t used to it, their first reaction to being in the spotlight is often to run as far from it possible. But, that doesn’t mean they won’t try to get back into it again. Whether that attention is uncomfortable or you feel you can’t possibly deserve it, if you’re the child of a narcissist, craving that attention is all you’ve ever known.
People Pleasing and Codependency – When a child faces manipulation on a daily basis and spends most waking moments taking care of their parent’s emotional and physical needs, he or she learns to value themselves only in relation to how they make others feel. Such children take this learned need to please others into all of their other relationships as an adult and it takes a lot of work even to recognize and acknowledge these behaviors for what they are.
Accepting that You’ll Never Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Narcissistic Parent – Just because you’re now an adult doesn’t mean you somehow magically learn to stop craving the approval you never received as a child. And, until they do some serious work on themselves, all adult children of narcissists hope beyond hope that one day their relationships with their parents will stop revolving around their parent’s possessiveness, blame, and need for validation.
I’m The Adult Child of A Narcissistic Parent…What Now?
Healing from such a traumatic childhood is absolutely a daunting task. Having your own emotional needs unmet for so long may make the notion of recovery seemingly impossible. It’s not. Here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:
Begin working through the grieving process – allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
Acknowledge that you’ve never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change – he or she will not change.
Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself – those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
Remember – you matter too. A lot.
You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You’re a great person, worthy of love and devotion..
Stop being afraid of your Narcissistic Parent – you are an adult, you survived hell, and you need to reclaim your life as your own. Start by erasing that fear.
Get rid of that feeling of not fitting in or belonging. It was put there by your Narcissistic Parent and it’s got to go.
We are none of us alone – that means you, too!
Find and connect with other Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
Find a therapist who specializes in treating Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
You’re probably still afraid of “getting into trouble” thanks to the way your Narcissistic Parent treated you. You’re an adult now, and you don’t answer to anyone but yourself.
Release some of that anger. Smash some plates. Scream. Hit a pillow. Anything to let the anger of being an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parent out.
Learn to be autonomous – start by making small decisions for yourself, and learn that you – yes YOU – are in charge of your own life.
You are more than worthy. No matter what your Narcissistic Parent told you, you are more than worthy.
Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.
You do not need to feel guilty if you decide not to stay in touch with your Narcissistic Parent – it may be for your own good.
Remember that your needs are important. Don’t be afraid to make them know and ask for what you need.
Do I Stay In Contact With My Narcissistic Parent?
Separating yourself from the sort of codependency that’s common from Narcissistic Parents may seem daunting. Sure, they were emotionally (or physically)(or both) abusive, but your Narcissistic Parent is STILL your parent.
As an Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent, you have two options:
1) Total Estrangement – no contact, nothing, with your Narcissistic Parent.
2) Measured Contact – contact, but limited interaction with Narcissistic Parent.
If you choose to keep measured contact with your Narcissistic Parent, be very sure to follow some strict, clear guidelines:
Create very clear boundaries. Don’t reward your parent for crossing them. Be clear, but firm. If they show up unannounced, explain nicely that you are too busy to visit with them.
Shield your own children from their Narcissistic Grandparent. They do not need to be exposed to their toxic behaviors.
Rather than explain that you do not want to hear their advice, echo and mirror whatever the Narcissistic Parent says. Do whatever you’d planned to do anyway.
Go through a third party as your Narcissistic Parent ages – do not allow them to rely upon you and you alone as they need care.
Provide information on a “need to know” basis only. Just because your Narcissistic Parent tells you everything doesn’t mean you must reciprocate.
Additional Resources For Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:
Trauma is any injury, physically or emotionally inflicted upon a person. Trauma has both a medical and a psychiatric definition. For the purposes of this site, we will focus primarily upon psychological trauma and its effects.
Emotional, or Psychological, Trauma is an intense, emotional reaction to a traumatic or severe situation. Trauma may be caused by stressful events such as natural disasters, incidences of abuse, assault, or death. Trauma can also be caused by more minor events, like a car accident or sports injuries.
A traumatic event involves a single event, or a repeating pattern of events that completely overwhelm an individual’s ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved in that experience. That feeling of being overwhelmed can last days, weeks, even years as the person struggles to cope.
Trauma can be caused by a number of events, but there are a few common aspects. There’s often a violation of the person’s familiar ideas about the world and of their rights, which puts the person into a state of extreme confusion and insecurity.
Psychological trauma may be accompanied by physical trauma or exist independently.
Trauma, while often involving a threat to life or safety, can also involve any situation that leaves you feeling stressed or alone, even if it didn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective facts that determine if an event is traumatic, but the subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you felt at the time, the more likely that you will feel traumatized afterwards.
A traumatic event or situation creates psychological trauma when it overwhelms the individual’s ability to cope, and leaves that person fearing death, annihilation, mutilation, or psychosis. The individual may feel emotionally, cognitively, and physically overwhelmed. The circumstances of the event commonly include abuse of power, betrayal of trust, entrapment, helplessness, pain, confusion, and/or loss.
This definition of trauma is fairly broad. It includes responses to powerful one-time incidents like accidents, natural disasters, crimes, surgeries, deaths, and other violent events. It also includes responses to chronic or repetitive experiences such as child abuse, neglect, combat, urban violence, concentration camps, battering relationships, and enduring deprivation. This definition intentionally does not allow us to determine whether a particular event is traumatic; that is up to each survivor. This definition provides a guideline for our understanding of a survivor’s experience of the events and conditions of his/her life.
There are two components to a traumatic experience: the objective and the subjective:
It’s is the subjective experience of the objective events that constitutes the trauma. The more you believe you are endangered, the more traumatized you will be. Psychologically, the bottom line of trauma is overwhelming emotion and a feeling of utter helplessness. There may or may not be bodily injury, but psychological trauma is coupled with physiological upheaval that plays a leading role in the long-range effects.
In other words, trauma is defined by the experience of the survivor. Two people could undergo the same noxious event and one person might be traumatized while the other person remained relatively unscathed. It is not possible to make blanket generalizations such that “X is traumatic for all who go through it” or “event Y was not traumatic because no one was physically injured.” In addition, the specific aspects of an event that are traumatic will be different from one individual to the next. You cannot assume that the details or meaning of an event, such as a violent assault or rape, that are most distressing for one person will be same for another person.
Trauma comes in many forms, and there are vast differences among people who experience trauma. But the similarities and patterns of response cut across the variety of stressors and victims, so it is very useful to think broadly about trauma.
A stressful event may be traumatic if any or all of these apply:
Psychological effects are likely to be most severe if the trauma is:
Human-caused
Repeated
Unpredictable
Multifaceted
Sadistic
Undergone in childhood
And perpetrated by a caregiver
It was unexpected.
You felt powerless to prevent it
You were unprepared
You had an intense emotional reaction
You are unable to have emotions about the situation
What is the Difference Between Emotional Trauma and Stress?
Trauma is stress run amuck. Stress deregulates our nervous systems – but for only a relatively short period of time. Within a few days or weeks, our nervous systems calm down and we revert to a normal state of equilibrium. This return to normalcy is not the case when we have been traumatized. One way to tell the difference between stress and emotional trauma is by looking at the outcome – how much residual effect an upsetting event is having on our lives, relationships, and overall functioning. Traumatic distress can be distinguished from routine stress by assessing the following:
• how quickly upset is triggered
• how frequently upset is triggered
• how intensely threatening the source of upset is
• how long upset lasts
• how long it takes to calm down
If we can communicate our distress to people who care about us and can respond adequately, and if we return to a state of equilibrium following a stressful event, we are in the realm of stress. If we become frozen in a state of active emotional intensity, we are experiencing an emotional trauma – even though sometimes we may not be consciously aware of the level of distress we are experiencing
Situations That May Cause Psychological Trauma:
Single Blow vs. Repeated Trauma
Single shocking events can certainly produce trauma reactions in some people:
Natural disasters such as earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, volcanoes, etc.
Closely related are technological disasters such as auto and plane crashes, chemical spills, nuclear failures, etc. Technological disasters are more socially divisive because there is always energy given towards finding fault and blaming.
Criminal violence often involves single blow traumas such as robbery, rape and homicide, which not only have a great impact on the victims, but also on witnesses, loved ones of victims, etc. (Interestingly, there is often overlap between single blow and repeated trauma, because a substantial majority of victimized women have experienced more than one crime.)
Unfortunately, traumatic effects are often cumulative.
There are many situations that have the potential to cause psychological trauma (although not every person exposed to the same stressors will develop a traumatic reaction). Here are a few of the known situations that can cause psychological trauma:
Diagnosis of life-threatening illness or disabling condition
What Are The Types of Trauma?
Natural Trauma vs. Human-Made Trauma
Prolonged stressors, deliberately inflicted by people, are far harder to deal with than accidents or natural disasters. Most people who seek mental health treatment for trauma have been victims of violently inflicted wounds dealt by a person. If this was done deliberately, in the context of an ongoing relationship, the problems are increased. The worst situation is when the injury is caused deliberately in a relationship with a person on whom the victim is dependent – most specifically a parent-child relationship.
Types of Man-Made Violence
War/political violence – Massive in scale, severe, repeated, prolonged, and unpredictable. Also multiple: witnessing, life threatening, but also doing violence to others. Embracing the identity of a killer.
Human rights abuses – kidnapping, torture, etc.
Criminal violence – discussed above.
Rape – The largest group of people with post-traumatic stress disorder in this country. A national survey of 4000 women found that 1 in 8 reported being the victim of a forcible rape. Nearly half had been raped more than once. Nearly 1/3 was younger than 11 and over 60% were under 18. Women with a history of incest were at significantly higher risk for rape in later life (68% incest history, 38% no incest).
Domestic Violence – recent studies show that between 21% and 34% of women will be assaulted by an intimate male partner. 20-30% of adults in the US, approved of hitting a spouse.
Child Abuse – the scope of childhood trauma is staggering. Everyday children are beaten, burned, slapped, whipped, thrown, shaken, kicked, and raped. According to Dr. Bruce Perry, a conservative estimate of children at risk for PTSD exceeds 15 million.
Sexual abuse – 40% of all psychiatric inpatients have histories of sexual abuse in childhood. Sexual abuse doesn’t occur in a vacuum: is most often accompanied by other forms of stress and trauma-generally within a family.
We must be careful about generalizations about child sexual abuse: research shows that about 1/3 of sexually abused children have no symptoms, and a large proportion that do become symptomatic, are able to recover. Fewer than 1/5 of adults who were abused in childhood show serious psychological disturbance
More disturbance is associated with more severe abuse: longer duration, forced penetration, helplessness, fear of injury or death, perpetration by a close relative or caregiver, coupled with lack of support or negative consequences from disclosure.
Physical abuse often results in violence toward others, abuse of one’s own children, substance abuse, self-injurious behavior, suicide attempts, and a variety of emotional problems.
Emotional/verbal abuse
Witnessing. Seeing anyone beaten is stressful; the greater your attachment to the victim, the greater the stress. Especially painful is watching violence directed towards a caregiver, leaving the child to fear losing the primary source of security in the family.
Sadistic abuse – we generally think about interpersonal violence as an eruption of passions, but the severest forms are those inflicted deliberately. Calculated cruelty can be far more terrifying than impulsive violence. Coercive control is used in settings like concentration camps, prostitution and pornography rings, and in some families.
One of the best-documented research findings in the field of trauma is the DOSE-RESPONSE relationship –the higher the dose of trauma, the more potentially damaging the effects; the greater the stressor, the more likely the development of PTSD.
The most challenging clients are those who have experienced repeated intentional violence, abuse, and neglect from childhood onward. These clients have experienced tremendous loss, the absence of control, violations of safety, and betrayal of trust. The resulting emotions are overwhelming: grief, terror, horror, rage, and anguish.
Their whole experience of identity and of the world is based upon expectations of harm and abuse. When betrayal and damage is done by a loved one who says that what he or she is doing is good and is for the child’s good, the seeds of lifelong mistrust and fear are planted. Thus, the survivor of repetitive childhood abuse and neglect expects to be harmed in any helping relationship and may interact with us as though we have already harmed him or her.
Why Do Traumatic Responses Occur In Some People And Not Others?
Not all traumatic events lead to lasting emotional and psychological damage. Certain people rebound quickly from the most devastating of experiences, while others may be devastated by experiences that may seem superficially less upsetting.
Anyone can become traumatized – even those who work with trauma victims can develop symptoms of vicarious or secondary traumatization. Symptoms, no matter the precipitating event, should always be taken seriously and steps should be taken to heal from the trauma. Like other physical illnesses, the amount of time it takes to heal can vary wildly from one person to the next.
There’s no clear-cut answer to why some traumatic events elicit emotional trauma for some, but there are likely contributing factors. A number of risk factors make people more susceptible to emotional psychological trauma. These are some of the contributing factors to developing lasting emotional and psychological damage:
Following a traumatic event – or repeated trauma – people react in many different ways, experiencing a wide array of physical and emotional reactions. It’s important to remember that there’s not a “right” or “wrong” way to respond to trauma, so don’t judge your reactions against those of others. Your responses are normal reactions to abnormal events.
Symptoms and feelings following a trauma can last a few days to a few months and will gradually fade as the trauma is processed. Certain sights, sounds, images or situations may always remind you of the trauma.
After a traumatic event, a person may go through a number of emotions. Typical symptoms are broken down into categories.
In addition to the initial trauma, symptoms do not always go away easily. It is not uncommon for someone to have recurring issues after trauma. These recurring issues, if not managed well, can cause additional trauma.
Re-experiencing of events through flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and floods of emotion; these symptoms are often quite disruptive to everyday life.
What Happens When Trauma Is Repeated and Sustained?
Repeated traumatic events can result in what is known as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (it may also be called Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified or DES-NOS). Due to the difficulty in finding control groups to study those who have suffered multiple traumas and because most of those who suffer from Complex PTSD also qualify for diagnosis of PTSD, it has not been added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM). Information can be difficult to come by for this issue but even so, it is recognized by many medical professionals/therapists as a disorder linked to repeated or long-term incidences of trauma.
Complex PTSD differs from the typical PTSD because repeated traumas can cause the individual to question their own self-concept and can alter adaptive abilities. According to the National Center for PTSD, symptoms may include:
Alterations in emotional regulation; may include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
Alterations in consciousness; includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one’s mental processes or body.
Changes in self-perception; may include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
Alterations in how the perpetrator is perceived. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
Alterations in relations with others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
Changes in one’s system of meanings; may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.
Treatment for Trauma Disorders
Medications are prescribed to manage symptoms, often while undergoing cognitive-behavioral therapy, in treatment of trauma. Additionally, some trauma survivors may choose to undergo hypnotherapy. Two very successful and commonly used therapies are described below.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – EMDR treatment is growing in popularity. It has been shown to be highly effective in a short period of time and is typically less intrusive and disruptive than more traditional therapies (i.e. exposure therapy). EMDR involves trauma processing with the help of a therapist who uses a machine that emits a combination of vibrations and beeping noises to stimulate parts of the brain that have been affected by trauma.
Exposure Therapy – Exposure therapy is a more widely-used treatment for trauma that focuses on desensitizing the individual to traumatic events through repeated exposure to feared objects or retelling of traumatic incidences. This process is guided by a trained psychotherapist in a safe, controlled environment.
How Do I Help Myself Heal From Trauma?
Healing from traumatic events is not something that will happen overnight. It takes months, even years, to work through all of the feelings associated with trauma. In addition to a therapy plan, these are some things you can do to help yourself heal from a trauma.
Give yourself time to adjust – it’s a difficult time in your life, so feel free to mourn your losses and be patient with yourself as you heal from your experiences.
Ask for help from people who love you and care about you – remember, though, that if those closest to you have experienced the same trauma, your support system may be weakened.
Talk about your experience – write for us, The Band. Keep a private journal. Talk to friends. Talk to a counselor. Just talk to others.
Participate in social activities, even if you don’t want to. You may find that doing things that “normal people” who have not experienced the trauma do may inspire you.
Join a local support group for trauma survivors in your area – finding people who understand your feelings and feel like you do is invaluable. It can help you learn, grow, and heal from your trauma. If you cannot locate a local support group, see if you can find an online support group to join.
Healthy behaviors to manage stress are key – eat well. Drink lots of water. Get enough sleep. Meditate. Make sure to exercise.
Volunteer – while helping others, volunteering can be a great way to challenge the feelings of helplessness brought about by the trauma and remind you of your strengths.
Reestablish (or establish new) routines to restore some feelings of normalcy into your life.
Break larger jobs into smaller, more manageable tasks to take pleasure from accomplishing even the smallest of things.
Find and do activities that make you feel better while occupying your mind. That way, you’re not dedicating all your time, energy and attention to the traumatic experience.
Allow yourself your feelings. Acknowledge them. Accept them. They are normal and must be accepted to heal.
Avoid major life decisions – moving across the country, changing jobs, buying a new car – without taking a time-out first to make sure this is a wise choice.
Avoid self-medication with drugs, alcohol or food. These can worsen symptoms and exacerbate feelings of depression, isolation, and anxiety.
Reduce stress. Meditate. Do yoga. Spend time with friends. Enjoy a hobby. Anything that brings you joy.
How To Help Someone Else Deal With Emotional Trauma:
It’s really hard to know how to help someone else who has suffered a traumatic, distressing experience. Your support, however, can be critical in their recovery. Here are some tips:
Be patient and understanding. There’s no time-frame on recovery from trauma and healing cannot be rushed.
Don’t judge. Remember that everyone’s reaction to a trauma is different.
Offer practical support (housework help, getting groceries) to help your loved one get back into a normal routine. While dealing with a trauma, normal routines often go by the wayside.
Don’t pressure your loved one into talking about it, but be there if they do want to talk. Some people who have been through traumatic experiences don’t want to talk about it, while others may want to rehash the event over and over. They are both normal reactions.
Help your loved one to socialize and relax. Encourage physical exercise, activities that allow them to de-stress, and hobbies they enjoy. Make time each week to spend time with your friend.
Don’t take it personally – some of the trauma symptoms can be hard for others to handle. When your loved one becomes angry, irritable, grouchy, distant or withdrawn, remember that this is a normal reaction to the trauma and not indicative of your relationship.
Additional Resources For Trauma:
David Baldwin’s Trauma Information Pages offers support for various traumas – psychological trauma, violent crime victims, veteran/combat trauma and many others.
The Survivor Manual provides a large collection of resources for those who have suffered from sexual trauma.
Infidelity (also known as “cheating” or “having an affair”) is considered a breach of the expectation of relationship exclusivity. Extramarital affairs have an impact on the dynamic balance of a marriage. The role of an affair can create emotional distance within the marriage. Infidelity is breaking a promise to remain faithful to a sexual partner. That promise can take many forms, from marriage vows sanctified by the state to privately uttered verbal agreements between lovers. As unthinkable as the notion of breaking such bonds may be, infidelity is common. And when it does happen, it raises thorny and painful questions. Should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Can you and should you forgive? Can you move on?
Infidelity can be a violation of physical or emotional intimacy but what constitutes infidelity varies between cultures and relationships. Even within an open relationship (one in which one or both partners agree to engage in extramarital sexual relationships), infidelity may occur if one of the partners acts outside of the boundaries of their relationship.
Generally, infidelity is a mixture of both physical and emotional intimacy, but occasionally an affair can be strictly emotional or physical.
What Are The Types of Infidelity?
Cheating isn’t just about having a physical affair—there are all kinds of emotional cheating that can cause major road bumps in your relationship. We all know what physical cheating is, or at least we think we do, but often we are at risk before we are even aware. Those less obvious signs of cheating are something that can be harder to recognize and can sneak up on us.
Opportunistic Infidelity
Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity, risk-taking behavior, and alcohol or drug use. The more in love a person is with their spouse, the more guilt he/she will experience as a result of their sexual encounter. However, feelings of guilt often fade as the fear of being caught subsides.
Obligatory Infidelity
This type of infidelity is based on fear. Fear that resisting someone’s sexual advances will result in rejection.
People may have feelings of sexual desire, love, and attachment for a spouse, but end up cheating because they have a strong need for approval. This need for approval can lead them to act in ways that are at odds with their other feelings. In other words, some people cheat, not because they want to cheat, but because they need the approval that comes along with a having the attention of others.
Romantic Infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when the cheater has little emotional attachment to his/her spouse.
They may be committed to their marriage and making it work but they long for an intimate, loving connection with a member of the opposite sex. More than likely their commitment to the marriage will prevent them from ever leaving their spouse. Romantic infidelity means pain for the other man/other woman and the cheating spouse.
Rarely does it turn into a long-term, committed relationship. Marital problems have to be quite severe before a spouse will leave the marriage for another person.
Conflicted Romantic Infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when people experience genuine love and sexual desire for more than one person at a time. Despite our idealistic notions of having only one true love, it is possible to experience intense romantic love for multiple people at the same time. While such situations are emotionally possible, they are very complicated and tend to create a lot of anxiety and stress. In this case, cheating spouses, in their attempt not to cause anyone harm, often end up hurting everyone.
Commemorative Infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when people are in a committed relationship but have no feelings for that person. There is no sexual desire, or love or attachment, only a sense of commitment keeps a couple together. These people justify cheating by telling themselves they have the right to look for what they are not getting in their present relationship.
It is important, for the sake of appearances, that the present relationship last. The cheater does not want to be viewed as a failure so they stay in an unhappy relationship and fulfill their needs outside the relationship.
Object Affair
An object affair can be described as pursuing an outside interest that may reach a point of near-obsession, where the interest leads to neglecting one’s relationship. A healthy balance of outside interests are perfectly fine, normal and encouraged in a committed relationship, but when one is so consumed with the object or if the interest takes top priority, that is when the problems arise. By choosing interests in which both partners can participate, the object is more likely to bond the couple than hurt the relationship.
Cyber Affair
A cyber affair occurs entirely online. The acts of sexting, texting, chatting or video chatting with a sexual context, without your spouse, are all considered to be a cyber affair. Cyber activities with one’s partner can be very healthy for a marriage. Sexting with your partner can be great foreplay as well as watching pornography together. A wonderful way of staying connected throughout the day with one’s spouse is texting.
Emotional Affair
An emotional affair occurs when one partner becomes emotionally attached to someone other than his or her spouse. One may spend a great deal of time communicating with this other person about deeply personal things or have inside jokes with the non-partner. Sharing problems, issues, life dreams and goals with someone other than your spouse or partner takes attention away from your relationship and is considered an emotional affair. Sharing the ups and downs and ins and outs of daily life with your significant other is essential in a successful relationship as it promotes closeness and nurtures the partnership.
Intimacy Avoidance Affair
These people are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high. Conflicts are a barrier, as are affairs. The emotional connection is through frequent, intense conflict. Often each spouse ends up in an affair.
Conflict Avoidance Affair
Those who engage in these types of affairs are afraid to be anything but nice, as they’re afraid that conflict will lead to losing control or abandonment. They don’t know how to properly manage conflicts within a marriage, so they cannot resolve their differences as the marriage erodes.
Sexual Addiction Affair
Sex addicts use repeated bouts of sexual intercourse to numb inner pain and emptiness.
Split-Self Affair
These people have tried to do right by their marriage. Both partners have sacrificed their own feelings and need to care for others. The deprivation has caught up with them. The affairs are serious, long-term, and passionate. The unfaithful partner focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split.
Exit Affair
These people are, underneath it all, conflict avoiders, but they take it further. One spouse has decided to leave the marriage; the affair provides the justification. The partner blames the affair, not the crumbling marriage.
What Is Emotional Infidelity?
Sexual infidelity is pretty clear cut; someone steps outside the bounds of a relationship and engages in some form of sexual contact with another person. Although the implications and consequences are similar, emotional infidelity as a construct is a bit more murky, as it does not simply apply to sexual or romantic interpersonal relationships.
Emotional infidelity refers to the behavior that one partner engages in which fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now with someone else, and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested, but encourage others’ interest in them for the sake of boosting their own ego or distracting themselves from a sense of boredom with their partner.
An emotional affair begins with the exchange of personal information. As the people involved become more acquainted, the information becomes more personal. Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.
The notion of emotional infidelity can also apply to platonic same- or transgender relationships, as well as activities, work, ex’s, siblings, extended family, hobbies, and even kids. Emotional infidelity is any situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability on the part of one partner that interferes with one particular aspect of the relationship, along with the quality of the relationship as a whole.
Obviously, the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance.
In the strictest sense of the term, an emotional affair excludes physical intimacy. It’s a reciprocated crush that is not demonstrably acted upon.
Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need or the desire to distance from your primary relationship, without actually leaving that relationship. Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines emotional infidelity as if not exactly the same at least the social equivalent of sexual infidelity.
Whether you are physically engaged with another person or not, when you are absent from your primary relationship you are taking your attention away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. It all comes back to emotional availability.
Emotional infidelity is often considered “not really cheating” in the mind of the cheater, because without any physical transgressions, they do not feel it is really hurting anyone. Emotional infidelity can cause as much, if not more, pain and suffering within the relationship.
The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden, to the extent that you may not know if or when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there’s no need for a hotel room, it’s difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of a credit card bill tossed in the trash.
It is much more dangerous to a marriage if your spouse connects with someone emotionally rather than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.
An emotional affair is the expression of the need or desire to be absent from one’s primary relationship without having to actually leave it, however, it’s common for emotional affairs to turn physical.
While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendships outside the marriage with men and women, an emotional affair threatens the emotional bond between spouses. Friendships are based on attraction. We are drawn to the various qualities of our friends.
Healthy friendships and attractions don’t need to threaten a marriage at all but add richness and enjoyment to life. When an attraction turns into an obsession or into an affair, it can become harmful to everyone involved and nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the breakdown of the emotional bond marital partners have for each other.
Is Emotional Infidelity Worse Than Physical Infidelity?
Many people who have dealt with an emotional affair believe that emotional infidelity can be far more damaging to a relationship. Here are some reasons why:
Real feelings are involved. As painful as physical affairs may be, they don’t require deep romantic feelings. Emotional affairs, however, can feel far more personal because they imply that your partner liked someone else more than you. It hurts so much more than the idea of your partner having physical sex with another person
Now you see it, now you don’t. It’s usually far harder to spot an emotional affair. A physical affair usually involves texts, secrecy, and dramatically angling his or her body away from you every time he or she looks at his phone. Emotional cheating can be as simple as your partner religiously paying attention to the life, feelings, and emotions of another person.
You feel manipulated. While physical cheating is as cut-and-dry as an affair can get (you either hooked up with someone who isn’t your partner or you didn’t), emotional cheating is so much easier for a partner to be in denial about. “You’re being crazy, it’s nothing!” they scoff as you ask them why they don’t invite you to hang out with his “totally platonic” best friend, who they take long, scenic sunset walks with. This is called gaslighting and it’s psychological manipulation.
Lasts way longer. A physical affair can happen one night and be over. while an emotional affair, on the other hand, can last much longer.
It’s hard to learn from your mistakes. While most can probably recognize at least some of the red flags of a physical cheater: insecurity, secretiveness, etc. But having your partner fall in love with someone else doesn’t exactly teach you lessons you can lose: you can’t expect your future partner to avoid his or her social life (Facebook, texts, emails, work) if that’s where the emotional infidelity began.
It’s really hard to get over. It may be a while before you realize that, even though your ex never slept with another person, they also weren’t completely honest about their relationship with you. It’s hard to “live and learn” from such behaviors and it may make you wary of future relationships.
What is Physical Infidelity?
Physical infidelity (or sexual infidelity) can occur as a one-night stand or a long-standing affair. In physical infidelity, the person is sexually involved with a person outside his/her committed relationship. In such a situation, the person starts giving physical attention to someone other than his or her partner.
The main difference between physical and emotional infidelity is physical contact. In physical infidelity, the person shares a sexual affair outside of his or her existing relationship. On the contrary, in emotional infidelity, people may have met online or known each other over the phone.
For most people, there is no difference between emotional and physical infidelity as both of them involve cheating with the partner. Emotional infidelity has the same behavioral component and a similar end result when compared with physical infidelity.
Emotionally cheating is not considered as infidelity by some people. The rationale is that since there is no physical contact, the behavior can’t be considered cheating.
What’s The Impact of Infidelity on a Relationship?
As devastating experiences go, few events can match the emotional havoc following the discovery that one’s partner is having an affair. Atop a suddenly shattered world hover pain and rejection, doubts about one’s worth, and, most searingly, the rupture of trust.
The trauma of betrayal can also trigger memories of buried or unresolved emotional and spiritual damage from the past. When those prior traumatic experiences are triggered and re-emerge, they significantly complicate the healing process.
For there to be any chance that the couple undergoing this situation can ever transcend the distress of broken trust, they must deal with two simultaneous challenges: The first is to understand and work through the combination of both current and re-emerging trauma responses of the betrayed partner. The second is for both partners to commit to specific roles in the healing of their mutual distress. The following are areas that can emerge after an affair
1. History of Prior Trauma
When people experience a life-threatening event earlier in life, they create defenses that allow them to survive those traumas. Those defenses can be either barricades to future pain or unconscious seduction to recreate what is familiar. If a relationship partner has been harmed by threats of loss or harm in the past, he or she will have a stronger and more persistent trauma response to a partner’s current betrayal. Dependent on how much they appear similar to what is happening in the present, they will mesh with the current pain and make recovery that much harder.
2. Emotional and Physical Resilience
Whether born into a person or learned throughout life, resilience is the conqueror of prolonged sorrow. Though grief must not be denied, those who are lucky enough to be more resilient can endure it without falling prey to extended emotional heartbreak.
Resilience after a betrayal is also buoyed up by the kind of social support a person has access to. When infidelity is discovered, it is easy for traumatized partners to lose sight of their own worth. Authentic, caring, and responsive others are able to remind them of who they were before the trauma and help them to regain emotional stability.
Sadly, the most common excuse many unfaithful partners give when they stray is that they were unable to get their needs met in the relationship. Those accusations increase the anguish of the betrayed partner.
3. The Strength of the Relationship
When people have a strong bond, both partners openly talk about their needs and disappointments as they occur in their relationship. They know that outside temptation is always possible, but they are committed to making their relationship stronger if they arise.
If a relationship is wavering and the people within it are no longer as bonded as they once were, one or both of the partners may be searching for meaning outside the relationship. If those yearnings are not shared and the relationship goes unresolved, they are more likely to transform into actions.
Some relationships feel more okay to one partner than they do to the other. If those feelings are not shared and an affair happens, the unknowing partner has had no opportunity to intervene. They feel they are doing everything right, that their love is intact, and that trust will never be broken. That partner is understandably more demolished when an affair emerges.
4. Infidelity Is With a Known Party
Besides the experiences of humiliation and anguish, an even more destructive heartbreak occurs when the third member of the triangle is a close and trusted friend or a family member.
When the betrayed partner discovers that two deeply trusted people could collectively collude behind his or her back is almost unfathomable. In these cases, there are often others who know what is going on causing even more potential loss of relationships when the affair emerges. Those who have remained silent may then pull away for fear of being seen as accomplices.
5. How Long The Affair Lasted
An affair that is quickly confessed along with true remorse and the desire to do whatever is necessary to help the betrayed partner heal, has the best chance of success if it never happens again.
On the other hand, a partner who finds out that the betrayal has been going on for weeks or months, or even that it is still active, is fundamentally more damaged and finds it much harder to heal. For most women, it is not just a passing affair anymore. It is a fully developed relationship of secrecy, passion, and emotional connection, stealing love and commitment from the existing partnership. For most men, it is the sabotage of being cuckolded by another male who has taken his woman from under his eyes and sold him out as a “brother.”
The person outside of the primary relationship, who has been willing to be a co-betrayer, often feels that he or she has claimed possession of the infidel. That individual may not be willing to be dismissed and can become a deterrent to a relationship’s potential healing.
What Are The Emotional Stages Following Infidelity?
Stage One: Roller-Coaster and Crisis. This is a time filled with strong emotions that range from anger and self-blame to periods of introspection and appreciation for the relationship.
The first phase of affair recovery happens when an affair is disclosed or discovered. The initial shock and deep betrayal can rock your confidence, and make you feel like everything you have ever known is collapsing. It is important in this phase of the recovery after an affair to recognize that this is a phase — you will get through this. This really difficult time will pass, and you will move into another stage.
Don’t make any decisions now about what to do with your relationship. Take care of yourself and your family and hold onto those major decisions for a while. When the chaos has slowed down enough for you to breathe and look around, you may start to think more about whether or not you want to stay together and rebuild a monogamous relationship.
Initially, after infidelity, it can be difficult for you to envision a new, shared future. The one person you turned to in the past for support when you were in pain is now the person causing you pain. It can seem as if there’s no one to turn to. You may now think of your relationship as a liability instead of your strength. You may feel lonely and confused. You may long for the partner who always served as the support system in your life, and that time of innocence before you discovered the affair.
There is a time-lapse in the grief process. The person who had the affair has known about the infidelity ever since it began. If you are just now discovering the affair, you are at a totally different point in the process than your partner is. You have only begun to catch up.
A grieving process is normal after an affair. As you move through the grieving process, many emotions will emerge, possibly including anger, fear, denial, and eventually acceptance. You can feel as if you are grieving a death, and in many ways, you are. You are grieving the old vision of your marriage or relationship. This is true whether you decide to stay together or move on.
Both partners must grieve their losses if they are to build a new marriage. Grief is triggered by the loss of the future you thought you were headed toward together. Whatever ideas you had about how you would grow old as a couple, retire, have grandchildren, rock on the front porch together, or travel the world, the affair has now challenged that vision of a shared future. Grief is a process of letting go of that vision. And, interestingly, grief has a way of making room for a different future if you choose to create that possibility going forward.
Stage Two: Moratorium and Insight: This is a less intense period in which the faithful spouse attempts to make sense of the infidelity. They may also obsess over the details of the affair, retreat emotionally and physically from the relationship, and reach out to others for help.
The second phase of affair recovery is the understanding (or insight) phase, and you will recognize when you are entering this phase when you start to look at how the affair happened. This second phase of affair recovery comes after the crisis has ebbed and you are moving past intense anger and confusion. Although it can be a difficult time, this phase will help you to experience empathy for each other and can give you hope for the future if you decide you want to stay together. You may still not know whether you want to make things work for the long run, but you will be able to do some of the work on your past to find out.
Understanding the affair and how it happened will help you to get clearer about what led you both to this point in your lives. This means you both need to explore the meaning of the affair. During this second phase of affair recovery, you may begin to wonder where your responsibility lies for what happened in your relationship. This is not about assigning blame, but a time to deconstruct the affair and the history of your marriage or relationship, to find out where the roots of the infidelity began.
Starting to understand the affair can answer many of the questions that you may feel are still unanswered. Some of your frustration may be relieved at that point, and you may be ready to make some decisions about your relationship going forward.
If both partners are willing and ready to move into healing, you will notice a shift happening. Instead of feeling polarized into the good spouse and the bad spouse, the two of you will begin to realize that you each share responsibility for what happened in your relationship before the affair. There was most probably a dynamic in your marriage that contributed to the affair. When you start becoming aware of this shared dynamic, the recovery process becomes a shared experience between the two of you. The affair may even eventually move from being “his affair” or “her affair” to being “our affair.”
When you start to feel this shift, it means you are moving into the next stage of your affair recovery. You are moving from the Insight phase into the Vision phase, where you are ready to look at a new future and monogamy, together.
Stage Three: Trust-Building. This is the stage in which couples who have decided to stay together and make their marriage work begin showing commitment to the relationship. The injured parties begin to forgive and build trust.
When you reach the third phase of affair recovery, the vision phase, it is time to make some decisions about staying together or letting go and moving on. Here you can decide about whether or not it is possible to create a new future together. To do this, you should be clear about what your new monogamy will look like.
Monogamy as we know it is changing in our world and in our culture. Our ability to remain monogamous is becoming more difficult in an age when cheating is easier than ever. Marriage as we know it will be totally different by the end of this century. The couples that manage to stay together and make it work will be the ones who decide to create fluidity and flexibility in their partnerships and find ways to make monogamy work for them.
Signs Your Partner May Be Unfaithful:
In the spirit of trying to help the public recognize the warning signs of infidelity, here is a list of changes and behaviors a spouse or loved one may display – indicators that, put together, can often mean he or she is cheating:
Circumstantial Evidence
Suspicions of infidelity usually begin with circumstantial evidence, such as when:
• The spouse comes home smelling like different perfume/cologne
• Unnecessary or inexplicable birth control is discovered
• Unexplained scratches or bruises on the spouse’s body
• The spouse is caught in a lie about taking a sick or personal day
• The spouse is caught sneaking in or out of the house
• Unknown credit card charges
• Excessive telephone call “hang-ups” or “wrong numbers”
• Long calls to unfamiliar number(s) show up on the telephone bill
• The spouse is caught in obvious lies about their whereabouts, activities, finances, or other issues
Communications
When infidelity arises, one of the first changes to occur in a relationship involves communications (or lack there-of) with the spouse. They may begin to, demonstrate or become:
• Emotionally distant – ignore or appear disinterested in the spouse and family
• Engage in an overall reduction in communications of all kind with their spouse
• Easily angered or irritated
• Moody or “touchy”
• Overly critical of their spouse
• Make hurtful and or cruel remarks
• Deliberately pick fights and storm out of the house
• Overly evasive or defensive when asked questions
• Cease confiding in and asking for advice from the spouse
• Develop sudden interest in the spouse’s daily schedule and track their comings & goings
Intimacy
Another key indicator of infidelity is that your sex life changes on a fundamental level. For example, there is often:
•A general reduction in acts of intimacy on all levels
A sudden increase in acts of intimacy, paradoxically
•A sudden interest in wanting to try new/different acts of intimacy
•Demonstrated new intimacy “talents”
Behavior
A cheating spouse’s overall behavior will change. In particular, they may:
Spend an excessive amount of time on the computer alone
Increase occasions of “going out with friends”
Become overly flirtatious with members of the opposite sex in public settings
Stop wearing their wedding ring
Silence, ignore or delete phone calls/texts/caller-ids and voicemails
Leave the room when taking a phone call or whisper on calls
Abruptly hang-up when the spouse enters the room
Suddenly make it clear that they do not want you to show up at their office unexpectedly
Take much longer than expected to do simple errands or other local trips
Shower inexplicably when returning home from work or a business trip
Develop a sudden interest in helping with the laundry or hide some of their laundry
Engage in other, unexplained, unusual or erratic behavior
Appearance
When a loved one suddenly demonstrates a keen interest in improving their appearance – i.e. attempting to look, dress, smell and groom themselves to impress or attract – there could very well be an infidelity problem. Specifically, a spouse may:
Develop a sudden interest in fitness – getting into shape and losing weight – when there previously was little or none. The spouse often joins and/or spends a lot of time at the gym or they become involved in other physical activities or sports for fitness purposes
Buy new clothes, intimate apparel/different underwear, & jewelry – and pays more attention to dressing and appearance
Suddenly be much more attention to personal grooming, shaving, makeup and preparation
Change their hair-style drastically
Wear more or different perfumes/colognes or scents
Work Habits
An affair also requires time so a cheating spouse will need to create opportunities by appearing to work much longer hours and go on more frequent and prolonged business trips. There will almost always be:
A dramatic increase in work hours and frequency of staying late at work
A sudden increase in business travel – including more prolonged trips
Privacy
A cheating spouse will necessarily attempt to hide their infidelity by protecting the means of communication with their paramour. For example, they may:
Suddenly password-protect their electronic communications devices, including cell phones, computers, and tablets
Have secretive phone calls which they pawn off as work-related or a friend in need
Open secret e-mail accounts
Not allow any access to their computer
Open a post office box unbeknownst to their spouse
Buy a prepaid mobile phone or open a new cell phone account without informing their spouse
Delete call histories, voicemails and caller-id records on their cell phone(s)
Delete e-mails & web browsing histories on their computers
Finances
Cheating requires funding and funding such activity means there will be indicators – not to mention less for the family. But certain changes may be exhibited, such as:
A sudden increase in or changes to their spending habits
A new credit card is taken out in only the spouse’s name
They start to have certain bills, like credit card and telephone bills sent to the office
Reduced deposits into the family checking account and an apparent reduction in overall income
An increase in their ATM withdrawals – both amounts and frequency
Inexplicable credit card charges
Hobbies
Cheaters will often take on the hobbies and interests of their paramour as well as display an overall interest in trying new things. They may:
Display more energy/zest for life
Develop new hobbies & interests
New musical tastes
Develop a sudden new interest in a particular sport(s)
Start reading genres previously ignored
Why Do People Become Unfaithful?
Infidelity – emotional or physical – is often a matter of opportunity. Despite what a cheater may claim, affairs don’t “just happen.” Affairs require careful planning and decision-making. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.
There are usually three kinds of forces that work together to create an affair. There’s no one reason people have an affair.
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs – attraction, novelty, excitement, risk, challenge, curiosity, falling in love.
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs – desire to escape a painful relationship, boredom, need to punish their partner, to fill a gap in an existing relationship, attention.
Society factors – glamorous portrayal of affairs in movies, television, and books.
Infidelity and The Internet:
The rise of the Internet has created new challenges for couples. Internet chat rooms, Facebook, Twitter, and blogs have allowed for a number of ways for those in relationships to stray into the murky grey area of unfaithfulness. The Internet has allowed for:
Behavior Rationalization: The reasoning that using the Internet to fulfill a sexual or emotional need is “innocent” and “harmless” despite the secrecy and highly sexual nature
Anonymous Sexual Interaction: The allure of anonymity on the Internet allows for the expression of fantasies and desires without being known.
Effortless avoidance of psychological discomfort associated with exchanging sexual messages with strangers.
Moving Past Infidelity:
Be honest. Discuss the affair openly and honestly, no matter how difficult.
Be accountable. If you were unfaithful, take responsibility for your actions. End the affair. Stop communications and interactions with the person you were having an affair with.
Figure out what’s next for you both. It’ll probably take time to sort out all of the emotions surrounding the affair; but when you’re ready, if you decide to reconcile, realize that fixing the marriage will take energy, time, and commitment.
Find a good marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity to put the affair into perspective, identify issues that may have led to the affair, and learn how to rebuild and refortify your marriage.
Restore trust. Counseling can help affirm your commitment to marriage and prevent further secrecy. If you were the one who had the affair, remember that while you may be ready to put it behind you, your partner has their own timetable for healing.
Forgive. Affairs are emotionally devastating. Forgiveness won’t happen overnight, but it may get easier over time.
Infidelity Resources:
Infidelity Resources – A website devoted to those who fear infidelity and are looking for concrete, useful information about infidelity.
Anxiety is a very normal part of daily life. We get stressed and anxious at work, at home, in traffic and about our kids. But when the anxiety becomes too big and hard to manage (and doesn’t go away), it becomes a disabling disorder. When anxiety has increased to a level that affects your ability to participate in everyday life – your ability to leave your home, go to the grocery store, be with friends or drive/ride in a car – it’s gotten to a point where help is needed.
The word “anxiety” covers four aspects of experiences that a person may have: mental apprehension, physical tension, dissociative anxiety, and physical symptoms.
Everyone feels anxious now and then. It’s a normal emotion. For example, you may feel nervous when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision.Anxiety disorders are different, though. They are a group of mental illnesses, and the distress they cause can keep you from carrying on with your life normally.People who have an anxiety disorder experience worry and fear are constant, overwhelming, and can be disabling. But with treatment, many people can manage those feelings and get back to a fulfilling life.
What Is An Anxiety Disorder?
An Anxiety Disorder is a blanket term that covers several different types of mental illnesses.
Anxiety Disorders can range from very mild to very extreme and can sometimes be an indicator or symptom of another problem (such as depression or hypertension), so it is important to seek the advice of a medical professional.
Approximately 40 million Americans in any given year will have some form of diagnosed anxiety disorder. Untreated, these disorders can lead to lost work days, economic struggles, physical illness, isolation and the loss of friendships, family feuds, and even hospitalization, suicide threats, and suicide.
Many people around the world have anxiety issues. In fact, in the US alone, about 18% of people struggle with an anxiety disorder every year. In addition, about 8% of children and teens develop symptoms of an anxiety disorder before the age of 21. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 1 in every 13 people worldwide also struggle with anxiety disorders. Unfortunately, only about a third of people who have anxiety disorders seek and receive treatment – even though these conditions are highly treatable.
Causes and Risk Factors for Anxiety Disorders:
It’s important to note that everyone feels anxiety to some degree regularly throughout their life. In fact, both fear and anxiety are adaptive and helpful emotions that can help us notice danger or threats, keep us safe, and help us adapt to the environment. Anxiety disorders represent states when fear or anxiety becomes severe or extreme, to the extent that it causes an individual significant distress, or impairs their ability to function in important facets of life such as work, school, or relationships. It is also important that risk factors don’t imply that anxiety is anyone’s fault; anxiety disorders are a very common difficulty that people experience:
Comorbidity is extremely common in people with anxiety disorders, which means that most people with have significant anxiety often experience a number of different type of anxieties. It’s not surprising that many risk factors for anxiety have the same underlying causes.
Genetic risk factors have been documented for all anxiety disorders. Clinical genetic studies show that 30-67% of people who have anxiety disorders may have inherited it from their parents. It’s also worth noting that people may be genetically resilient to anxiety disorders as well.
Parenting Behaviors can also impact risk for anxiety disorders. Parents who demonstrate high levels of control (versus granting the child autonomy) while interacting with their children has been associated with development of anxiety disorders in their children.
Parental modeling of anxious behaviors and parental rejection of the child has also been shown to potentially relate to greater risk for anxiety.
Going through stressful life events or chronic stress is also related to the development of anxiety disorders. Stressful life events in childhood, including experiencing adversity, sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, or parental loss or separation may increase risk for experiencing an anxiety disorder later in life.
Having recently experienced a traumatic event or very stressful event can be a risk factor for the development of anxiety across different age groups.
Along with the notion of chronic life stress resulting in increased anxiety risk, having less access to socioeconomic resources or being a member of a minority group has also been postulated to relate to greater risk for the development of anxiety disorders.
Dealing with a chronic medical condition or severe or frequent illness can also increase risk for anxiety disorders, as can dealing with significant illness of a family member or loved one.
Certain medical conditions such as thyroid disease are characterized by significant symptoms of anxiety. Menopause, heart disease, and diabetes have also been linked to anxiety symptoms.
Additionally, drug abuse or withdrawal is characterized by acute anxiety, and chronic substance abuse can increase risk for developing an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety can also be a side effect of certain medications.
Living with significant sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, may also be a risk factor for developing an anxiety disorder.
Behavioral choices can also significantly impact risk, as excessive tobacco or caffeine use can increase anxiety, while regular exercise can decrease anxiety.
Specific personality traits also may change the risk of developing an anxiety disorder. People whose temperament includes shynessand behavioral inhibition in childhood can increase risk of developing an anxiety disorder later in life. In personality traits, the Five Factor Model of Personality consists of five broad trait domains including Neuroticism, Extraversion, Openness to Experience, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness. An individual higher on trait Neuroticism or low on Conscientiousness is at a higher risk for all anxiety disorders, while an individual low on Extraversion is at a higher risk of developing social phobia and agoraphobia.
Personality disorders have also been shown to relate to increased risk for anxiety disorders.
Women are much more likely to experience anxiety disorders; women are twice as likely as men to suffer from anxiety, and symptoms of anxiety disorders are lessened in men and increased in women. This sex difference in the prevalence and severity of anxiety disorders that puts women at a disadvantage over men is not specific to anxiety disorders, but is also found in depression and other stress-related adverse health outcomes such as obesity and cardiac disease.
Age research suggests that risk for anxiety disorders decreases over the lifespan with lower risk being demonstrated later in life.
What Types of Anxiety Disorders Exist?
Anxiety disorders reflect disorders that share a general feature of excessive fear (such as an emotional response to perceived or real threat) and/or anxiety (such as the anticipation of future threat) and demonstrate behavioral and functional disturbances as a result. Panic attacks are a feature that can occur in the context of many anxiety disorders and reflect a type of fear response.
1) Generalized Anxiety Disorder (also known as GAD) is a chronic and chronic disorder that is characterized by long-lasting anxiety
that’s not focused upon any one situation or object. Those who have generalized anxiety disorder often feel non-specific and persistent fear or worry and may become overly concerned by every day issues. is the most common anxiety disorder to affect older adults. A diagnosis of GAD may be made when a person becomes extremely worried about an every day problem for a period greater than six months. Someone with GAD may have problems making daily decisions, and remembering commitments, as a result of decreased concentration or preoccupation with worries.
Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder can include:
Extreme and excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of events or activities, even when nothing is wrong or when the worry is disproportionate to actual risk.
The worry these people experience iis difficult to control
The worry is associated with at least three (adults) or one (children) of the following physical or cognitive symptoms:
Restlessness
Fatigue
Impaired concentration or feeling that mind is going blank
Irritability
Increased muscle aches or soreness
Difficulty sleeping (trouble falling asleep or staying asleep)
Sometimes associated with other physical symptoms such as nausea or diarrhea
To be diagnosed with GAD, the worry must cause significant distress or interfere with the individual’s daily life, occupational, academic, or social functioning, and the symptoms cannot be better attributed to another mental disorder or be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness.
Duration: Symptoms must be present for longer than 6 months
2) Panic Disorder is a type of anxiety disorder in which a person suffers from brief episodes (generally lasts less than ten minutes but may last as long as hours) of terror or fear that strike out of nowhere. These episodes of terror are often accompanied by physical symptoms such as sweating, chest pains, dizziness, difficulty breathing, and/or choking sensations.
Panic disorder encompasses the experience of sudden panic symptoms (usually out of the blue with no specific triggers) in combination with persistent, lingering worry that panic symptoms will return, as well fear of those panic symptoms.These panic attacks may be triggered by fear, stress, although the specific cause is not always known.
Symptoms of Panic Disorder
Recurrent expected or unexpected panic attacks AND one or more of the following symptoms for at least one month:
Pounding heart
Sweatiness
Feeling of weakness
Faintness
Dizziness
Tingling or numbness in hands
Feeling flushed
Sense of unreality
Feeling of loss of control or losing one’s mind
Fear of dying or something physically wrong (like a stroke or heart attack)
Persistent concern about the consequences of the attacks (e.g. “going crazy”, heart attack) or fears of having additional attacks
A significant change in behavior related to attacks (e.g. avoiding exercise)
Duration of Panic Attacks: Panic attacks themselves tend to last a few minutes to 10 minutes (rarely last longer than 1 hour), but the symptoms must be experienced for at least one month for a proper diagnosis
For a proper diagnosis, these symptoms must not be better accounted for by another disorder and the symptoms also cannot be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness. In addition, these panic attacks have chronic consequences – worry about the implications of the panic attack, fear of future attacks, and significant behavioral changes related to the panic attacks.
3) Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder (also known as SAD) is an intense fear that causes a person to worry about being judged by others in daily situations and/or fear being in crowds of people. This fear may be related to specific situations or in all social interactions. Severe cases of social anxiety disorder can lead to severe cases of social isolation.
Excessive fear of becoming embarrassed or humiliated in social situations, which often leads suffers avoiding any situation that may evoke their fears.
Symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder:
Significant and persistent fear of one (or more) social or performance situations in which a person is exposed to unfamiliar people, or to possible scrutiny by others due to fear of humiliation or embarrassment.
It’s important to note that in children, the anxiety must be present in both peer and adult interactions
Exposure to the feared social or performance situation provokes significant anxiety, including panic attacks
The sufferer knows that the fear is excessive or unreasonable. However, in children, they may not such insight into their fears
The feared social or performance situations are avoided or are endured with invasive anxiety or distress.
The avoidance, anticipation of, or distress of the phobic object/situation must cause significant distress or interferes with the individual’s daily life, occupational, academic, or social functioning to meet diagnosis. The symptoms cannot be better accounted for by another mental disorder or be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness. In order for a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, the symptoms must be:
Generalized – fear is present across any social situations
Specific – eating in public, public speaking, talking to authority figures
Duration: Typically lasts at least 6 months or longer
4) Specific Phobias – specific phobias are strong irrational fear reactions that cause those with the phobia to avoid common places, situations, and objects even though the sufferer knows there is no threat or danger. The sufferer of specific phobias know that his or her fears make very little sense, but he or she feels as though he or she has no control over it. Specific phobias can sorely disrupt daily routines, limit the ability to work, lower self-esteem, and put intense strain on interpersonal relationships as the sufferer does whatever he or she can to avoid the phobic anxiety fear.
Many specific phobias develop in childhood, but others rise unexpectedly during the teen years or early adult years. The onset for specific phobias are often sudden and may happen in situations or with an object in which the sufferer previously had no anxiety.
Persistent and excessive fear of a specific object or situation, such as flying, heights, animals, toilets, or seeing blood. Fear is cued by the presence or anticipation of the object/situation and exposure to the phobic stimulus results in an immediate fear response or panic attack. The fear is disproportionate to the actual danger posed by the object or situation. Commonly, adults with specific phobias will recognize that their fear is excessive or unreasonable.
The feared object/situation is avoided or endured with intense anxiety or distress. The avoidance, anticipation of, or distress of the phobic object/situation must cause significant distress or interferes with the individual’s daily life, occupational, academic, or social functioning to meet diagnosis. The symptoms cannot be better accounted for by another mental disorder or be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness.
For the diagnosis of a specific phobia, symptoms must be present for 6 months or longer.
5) Separation Anxiety Disorder is a disorder that provokes anxiety regarding separation from home or major attachment figures beyond what would be expected for one’s developmental level. This can occur in children, adolescents, or adults, but is more commonly found in children.
Symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder may include:
Recurrent extreme distress when separation from home or attachment figures occurs, or is expected
Persistent, excessive worry about losing major attachment figures
Persistent, extreme worry that something traumatic will lead to separation from a major attachment figure
Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or other places due to fear of separation
Persistent or excessive fear or reluctance to be alone or without major attachment figures (at home or in other settings)
Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a near a major attachment figure (or to sleep away from home)
Repeated nightmares involving separation
Repeated complaints of physical symptoms, including headaches, stomachaches, vomiting when separated (or anticipated separation) from major attachment figures
Durationfor Diagnosis: at least 4 weeks in children; 6 months or longer in adults. Plus, in order for a diagnosis, the symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, academic, occupational, or other important areas of functioning, and symptoms cannot be better accounted for by another mental disorder or be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness.
6) Selective Mutism is a very rare disorder that’s characterized by a persistent failure to speak in certain social situations, such as to authority figures or classmates, despite engagement in speaking in other situations.
In order to be diagnosed with Selective Mutism, the duration must be longer than a month and not limited to the first month of starting school. Selective mutism must also cause impairment in social, academic, or occupational achievement or functioning. Selective mutism is not diagnosed if it is related to lack of knowledge or comfort with the spoken language required of the situation or is due to embarrassment from a communication or developmental disorder. The symptoms cannot be better accounted for by another mental disorder or be caused by substances, medications, or medical illness.
What Are The Symptoms of Anxiety?
There are a number of both physical and emotional symptoms that can be attributed to anxiety. The symptoms of anxiety are as follows:
Physical Symptoms of Anxiety:
Pounding heart
Sweating
Tremors
Upset stomach
Frequent urination
Shortness of breath
Dizziness
Muscle aches
Fatigue
Headache
Emotional Symptoms of Anxiety:
Feelings of dread
Apprehension
Difficulty concentrating
Racing thoughts
Feeling jumpy and tense
Irritability
Restlessness
Feeling like your mind has gone blank
Fear of losing control or going crazy
Derealization or depersonalization
Seeking Help For An Anxiety Disorder:
A psychologist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional can properly diagnose and help treat Anxiety Disorders. There is no one laboratory test that can diagnose this disorder, but a physical exam along with mental assessments can give accurate information to determine whether treatment is needed. You can start off by going to your GP (general practitioner) who can get you started on certain medications and refer you to a therapist to continue your care. It’s highly important that you do seek help for anxiety disorders as they are manageable with treatment, which can majorly impact your quality of life.
Most treatment providers for anxiety-related disorders can be found in hospitals, clinics, private or group practices. Some also operate in schools (licensed mental health counselors, clinical social workers, or psychiatric nurses). In the mental health field, is also Telehealth in which mental health workers provide their services through an internet video service, streaming media, video conferencing, or wireless communication. Telehealth is particularly useful for patients that live in remote rural locations that are far from institutions that provide mental health services. Mental health providers that work in Telehealth can only provide services to patients currently located in the state in which the provider is licensed.
How Are Anxiety Disorders Treated?
Anxiety disorders can be treated with medication, therapy, or both. A therapist can help figure out the best form of treatment to help each individual situation. Learning to manage stress and different situations will also help lessen the symptoms of anxiety disorders.
Types of therapy used to treat anxiety disorders:
Counseling: is a short-term form of talk therapy in which a therapist helps people develop strategies and coping skills to address specific issues like stress management, anxiety triggers, and/or interpersonal problems.
Psychotherapy is a longer-term type of talk therapy and targets many more issues, including behavioral patterns. The anxiety disorder of the person and his or her personal preference leads the therapist to the types of most effective therapies. The goal for psychotherapy is to help someone regulate their emotions, understand behavioral patterns, and manage stressors, and may include the following:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a short-term treatment to help people identify inaccurate and negative thinking in situations that cause anxiety like panic attacks. CBT can be used in one-on-one therapy or in a group therapy session with others dealing with similar problems. CBT primarily focuses on the ongoing problems in a person’s life and teaches development of new ways of processing their feelings, thoughts ,and behaviors to help them develop more effective ways of coping with their life. This type of therapy works well for people who have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE) is a specific type of CBT that can be used to treat PTSD and phobias. The goal of PE therapy is to help people overcome the distress they experience when reminded of past traumas or confronting their fears. With the guidance of a therapist, the patient is slowly reintroduced to the trauma triggers or reminders. During exposure, the therapist guides the person to use coping techniques such as mindfulness or relaxation therapy/imagery. The goal of PE therapy is to help sufferers realize that trauma-related memories (or phobias) are no longer dangerous, thus do not need to be avoided.
Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) is therapy that gets rid the distress and emotional disturbances brought about from memories of traumatic events. Most often used to treat PRSD, it’s very similar to exposure therapy. EMDR helps people process the trauma they experienced so they can heal. During the therapy, patients pay attention to a back and forth movement or sound while recounting their traumatic memories. Patients continue these sessions until the memory becomes less distressing.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) uses a skills-based approach to help patients regulate their emotions. While primarily used for Borderline Personality Disorder, DBT is also be effective for anxiety disorders such as PTSD. This treatment teaches patients how to develop skills for how to regulate their emotions, stress-management, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) s a type of CBT that encourages people to see their positive behaviors even in the presence of negative thoughts and behaviors., with the goal of improving their lives and daily functioning despite their disorder. ACT is often used to help people with treatment-resistant Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression.
Family Therapy is a type of group therapy that includes the person’s family to help improve communication and develop better conflict-resolving skills, and can be useful if the family is contributing to the patient’s anxiety. During this short-term therapy, the person’s family learns how not to make the anxiety symptoms worse and to better understand their loved one.
Common Medications Used To Treat Anxiety Disorders:
Antidepressants are used to treat symptoms of depression that can also used to treat anxiety symptomsl. In particular, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are the primary type of antidepressant used to treat anxiety. SSRIs commonly used to treat anxiety are escitalopram (Lexapro) and paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva). SNRI medications used to treat anxiety include duloxetine (Cymbalta), venlafaxine (Effexor XR).
Buspirone (BuSpar) is a drug used in the treatment of anxiety, especially Generalized Anxiety Disorder. BuSpar is particularly effective at reducing the cognitive and interpersonal problems associated with anxiety. Unlike benzodiazepines, buspirone does not have a sedative effect or interact with alcohol. Most importantly there is a very low risk of developing a dependence on buspirone. Its side effects are minimal but can include dizziness, nervousness, and headaches.
Benzodiazepines are sedatives indicated for anxiety, epilepsy, alcohol withdrawal, and muscle spasms. Benzodiazepines have short-term effectiveness in the treatment of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and can help with sleep disturbances. A doctor may prescribe these drugs for a limited period of time to relieve acute symptoms of anxiety. However, long-term use of these medications is discouraged because they have a strong sedative effect and can be habit-forming and addictive.
Beta Blockers work by blocking the neurotransmitter epinephrine (adrenaline). Blocking adrenaline slows down and reduces the force of heart muscle contractions, which leads to lower blood pressure. Historically, beta blockers have been prescribed to treat the somatic symptoms of anxiety (heart rate and tremors) but they are not particularly effective at treating the generalized anxiety, panic attacks,or phobias.
How To Cope With Anxiety Disorders:
Learning Relaxation Strategies
Relaxation strategies, such as deep diaphragmatic breathing, have been shown to lower blood pressure, slow heart rate, and reduce tension associated with stress. Engaging in relaxation strategies regularly can help you to reduce anxiety when it occurs, by allowing your body to switch from an anxious state to a more relaxed and calm state in response to stressors.
Guided imagery is another relaxation strategy that can help reduce or prevent overwhelming anxiety. Guided imagery involves directed mental visualization to evoke relaxation. This could involve imagining your favorite beach or a peaceful garden that can distract you from your anxious state and allow your mind and body to focus on the positive thoughts and sensations of the imagery exercise.
Learning relaxation strategies as a coping strategy for anxiety can boost your confidence that you will be able to cope with anxiety during other stressful situations. Relaxation strategies are a great tool for anxiety prevention because they are free, simple, and can provide instant results
Count to ten. Or twenty. Or 100. Just do it slowly and allow your body to relax as you feel the tension leave.
Mindfulness and Meditation
A simple definition of mindfulness includes the practice of being aware, without judgment, in the present moment. When feeling anxious, often times you might feel that you don’t have control over your mind or your body’s reaction to stress. You also might feel that anxiety causes you to focus and dwell on past mistakes or future fears.
Laugh – humor may be one of the few ways to bring about that feeling of lightness. Use it.
Mindfulness, meditation, and mindfulness yoga can increase one’s awareness of the world around you, increase control over how you experience situations, and how you respond. Loss of feelings of control is often a symptom of anxiety when a person is feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Practicing these strategies can help you live life in the present moment and enjoy the present things in your life that bring you joy
Take a time-out – meditate, listen to music, get a massage, or try other relaxation techniques.
Make a real effort to replace all negative self-talk with positive self-talk.
Remember that stepping away from a problem often helps to clear your head and help refocus your energy.
Exercise, Eating, and Self-Care
Volunteer your time – be active in your community. Not only can that help develop a great support network for you, but it can also make you feel good about your accomplishments.
Another important prevention strategy for anxiety is to incorporate exercise into your daily activities. Exercise has been shown to decrease stress hormones that influence anxiety and also improve overall mood. Exercise can also help you disengage from worry and stress and focus on the current task of exercising. Exercises such as light jogging or brisk walking that can be incorporated into your daily activities can help reduce the impact of anxiety when it occurs.
Eat well – don’t skip meals and make sure to keep healthy, energy-boosting snacks around.
Exercise daily – not only is it good for you physically, but exercise tends to release the “feel good” chemicals from the brain. Exercise also helps you channel the nervous energy from anxiety disorders.
Limit alcohol and caffeine intake – while coffee and beer are both delicious, both alcohol and caffeine can aggravate anxiety and increase panic attacks.
Not getting enough restful sleep can also trigger anxiety. Stress and anxiety can also interfere with sleep and cause you to stay awake at night. It can be a frustrating cycle when the stressors of the day and future worries cause you stay up at night. Take some time to wind down before bed such as some of the above relaxation and meditation strategies. Also, instead of letting your mind continuously race at night, try putting your thoughts, worries, and plans for the next day on paper before bed. This will ease your anxiety about forgetting something you need to accomplish in the future and allow you to relax and rest.
Celebrate all accomplishments – sometimes making it out of the house is something worthy of a celebration.
Identifying Triggers
Put your stress into perspective – is it as bad as it seems or is your mind playing tricks on you?
A key component for prevention of anxiety is awareness. Learning to recognize your anxious thinking patterns can help you manage and reduce them. Awareness of anxiety is the process of trying to identify the cause and/or trigger of anxiety so you can see how it affects your mood and behaviors. Awareness of the source of your anxiety is the first step to finding out the best way to relieve it.
Break bigger tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks and do them piece by piece rather than focus on the big picture.
Sometimes, there are things that trigger anxiety. It could be an exam, having to give a speech, performing in front of an audience, and/or the stress and anxiety related to parenting. Once you identify your triggers, you can start to practice coping strategies that can help calm your anxiety before and as it occurs.
For example, if you know you often procrastinate, try out strategies that prompt you to start the task earlier earlier and set realistic study schedules.
After a long day of parenting, you often feel exhausted and overcome with anxiety by all of the things you need to do, work to schedule in “me time” so you have time to relax, exercise, or engage in an enjoyable activity that helps to reduce your anxiety.
Taking care of yourself is important to be able to take care of others.
Use a journal that you use to track your stressors, mood, thoughts, and behaviors impacted by anxiety. This can help identify the cause of your anxiety and notice when you may be engaging in unhelpful thoughts that increase anxiety.
Remember – you can’t control everything.
Use Your Support System:
Some research shows that people who have close and supportive friendships have a greater ability to fight mental and physical diseases than those who are isolated. The mind can be our worst enemy and having a supportive network that you can discuss and decompress your deepest worries can help prevent anxiety from consuming your life. Find trusted friends during times of anxiety that you can open up to; know that they will provide a listening ear and supportive feedback.
Finding the right strategy that works for you is important. Maybe you don’t need to schedule “me time,” so you find another way to reduce your anxiety. A friend or therapist could be a great resource to turn to if you need help finding the right strategies to reduce your anxiety.
Therapy services such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have also been shown to help with the prevention of anxiety symptoms from reaching a diagnosable disorder. Even if you do not have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, attending therapy could be a wonderful resource to aid in gaining strategies to reduce your stress and anxiety.
Do the best you can – screw perfection. Be proud of your accomplishments, big and small.
Join a support group – not only can you meet people who can support you, but you can also learn more and better coping strategies to manage your anxiety.
Find a therapist – sometimes, an outside perspective may be just what’s needed to provide a sounding-board and advice about controlling and managing anxiety.
How to Help Someone Who Suffers From Anxiety Disorders:
Listen. Be there to listen if they are open to talking about it.
Educate yourself. Learn about signs and symptoms and try to be knowledgeable about the disorder. That will relieve a lot of your own fear about bringing it up.
If a friend asks for help finding treatment, don’t be afraid to help them. They’ve reached out so do all you can to find them someone to talk to.
Talk to someone yourself. If you are really close to the one suffering from an Anxiety Disorder, make sure you have an outlet, somewhere or someone to talk to so your mind stays clear.
Be fun! Don’t think that just because someone has this diagnosis it doesn’t mean they don’t want to have fun. They don’t always want to talk about their diagnosis. Lighten up!
Additional Anxiety Resources:
Mental Healthy is a UK-based website dedicated to providing support and advice to those who are looking to improve their state of mind. With free guides to anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and more. Mental Healthy provides a great online resource and community for those interested in living a healthy life from the inside out.
Anxiety Disorders Association of America – Offers great information and resources for local support groups. There is a “find a therapist” tool and personal stories that will offer support and a sense of community.
Stress is something that we are all familiar with to a certain degree. It is your natural reaction to any kind of stimuli, both good and bad. It can be good when it motivates us to get things done or confront a fear but there is also bad stress. Bad stress is the kind brought on by getting stuck in traffic, bad news from a friend or family member, money woes, or something job-related. It can last a little while or for a long time.
Technically speaking, stress is difficult to define because it is a subjective assessment of our physical, emotional, and psychological selves. Something that makes you feel overwhelmed may not bother a friend at all.
On a biological level, stress can play an important role in the “fight or flight” response that is garnered when we are in a situation of potential danger.
Physiological changes include increased heart rate, dilated pupils, and increased adrenaline, to name a few. These changes allow your body to react most efficiently in a situation that we either need to react to physically (fight response) or to escape from (flight response).
Prolonged periods of stress eventually cause your body to begin shutting down because of the intense toll it can take on your body. There is a balance to how much stress is easily managed but is not so stressful that it disrupts our lives.
If 100 people were asked about stress, what their stressors are, and how they feel stress, you would likely get 100 different answers. Stress is a very subjective feeling, meaning that it can be difficult to measure. We all feel stress differently, at different levels, and about different instigators. However, there is some overlap in the types of responses to stress.
According to the American Institute of Stress, the current definition is “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” Essentially, stress is a response to a certain type (or types) of stimuli.
Common Reactions to a Stressful Event:
After a terrifying event, many people may have strong (and sometimes), lingering reactions (especially natural disasters, personal attacks, or threats). These strong emotions may be normal and temporary.
Stress is caused by both good and bad things in our lives and it is important to remember that just because it is good stress does not mean we will not have an adverse reaction to it. Stress can be exhibited in a number of physiological ways: pain, sweating, headache, high blood pressure, lowered immune system, nervousness, and upset stomach.
Similarly, stress may be expressed emotionally in some of the following ways: anger, anxiety, depression, irritability, restlessness, sadness, fatigue, or insomnia.
When stress takes a physiological toll on your body, your body attempts to compensate. Often our behaviors change to reflect these attempts to compensate; we may alter our diet, sleep pattern, activity, or drug or substance use.
However, there are a number of ways to manage and treat stress.
Stress is not always a bad thing. Stress is simply the body’s response to changes that create taxing demands. There’s a difference between positive and negative stress. Positive stress has the following effects:
Motivates you
Well within our coping abilities
Feels exciting
Improves performance
Examples of positive personal stressors include:
Receiving a promotion or raise at work
Starting a new job
Marriage
Buying a home
Having a child
Moving
Taking a vacation
Holiday seasons
Retiring
Taking educational classes or learning a new hobby
In contrast, distress, or negative stress, has the following characteristics:
Causes anxiety or concern
Can be short- or long-term
Is outside of our coping abilities
Feels unpleasant
Decreases performance
Can lead to mental and physical problems
It’s hard to distinguish stressors into those that cause positive stress and those that cause distress, as everyone reacts to situations differently. The following is a generalized list of negative personal stressors, including:
The death of a spouse
Filing for divorce
Losing contact with loved ones
The death of a family member
Hospitalization (oneself or a family member)
Injury or illness (oneself or a family member)
Being abused or neglected
Separation from a spouse or committed relationship partner
Conflict in interpersonal relationships
Bankruptcy/Money Problems
Unemployment
Sleep problems
Children’s problems at school
Legal problems
Work and employment concerns such as those listed below are also frequent causes of distress:
Excessive job demands
Job insecurity
Conflicts with teammates and supervisors
Inadequate authority necessary to carry out tasks
Lack of training necessary to do the job
Making presentations in front of colleagues or clients
Unproductive and time-consuming meetings
Commuting and travel schedules
Stressors aren’t always created from outside forces. In fact, internal feelings, thoughts, and habitual behaviors can lead to negative stress as well.
Common internally-based sources of distress can involve:
Fears: (e.g., fears of flying, heights, public speaking, chatting with strangers at a party)
Repetitive Thought Patterns
Worrying about future events (e.g., waiting for medical test results or job restructuring)
Unrealistic, perfectionist expectations
Habitual behavior patterns that can lead to stress include:
Over-scheduling
Lack of assertiveness
Procrastination
Failing to plan ahead
When Are You Most Vulnerable to Stress?
People are most susceptible to stress when they are:
Not getting enough sleep
Don’t have a support network
Undergoing a major life change such as moving, the death of a loved one, starting a new job, having a child or getting married
Experiencing poor physical health
Not eating well
Everyone has his own threshold. Certain things that may upset you out might not even make one of your friends raise an eyebrow. Some people are affected when they experience large crowds and noisy environments, while others react to silence and free time.
What Are The Different Types of Stress?
Managing stress can be complex as there are different types of stress: acute, chronic, and episodic stress. Each type of stress has its own causes, symptoms, duration, and treatment. The different types of stresses are as follows:
Acute Stress: Acute stress is the most common type of stress as it is related to pressures and the demands of the past, as well as the anticipated pressures that will occur in the future. For some, acute stress feels exhilarating, but the longer the duration, the more exhausting stress becomes. Overdoing acute, short-term stress can cause many of the unpleasant symptoms associated with stress. Luckily, most people recognize it when they are facing acute stress: it’s a major list of the things that have been troubling in their life.
Fortunately, acute stress is short-term, meaning that it doesn’t have the chance to do the damage that long-term stress creates. The most common symptoms of short-term stress can include:
Acute stress can crop up in anyone’s life, and it is highly treatable and manageable.
emotional distress
tension headache
back and jaw pain
heartburn
indigestion
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
elevated blood pressure
shortness of breath
heart palpitations or rapid heartbeat
dizziness
migraines
Episodic Acute Stress: Unfortunately, there are people who do suffer acute stress more than others and whose lives are in total chaos and crisis mode. Many people who suffer episodic acute stress deal with lives that are a study in Murphy’s Law (if something can go wrong, it does). These people may take on too much, can’t quite organize themselves, are often late, and have many self-inflicted pressures and demands. These individuals tend to always be in the cross-hairs of acute stress. People who have episodic acute stress may come across as grumpy, irritable, tense, and anxious and may even call themselves “a bundle of nervous energy.”
There are those, however, who suffer acute stress frequently, whose lives are so disordered that they are studies in chaos and crisis. They’re always in a rush, but always late. If something can go wrong, it does. They take on too much, have too many irons in the fire, and can’t organize the slew of self-inflicted demands and pressures clamoring for their attention. They seem perpetually in the clutches of acute stress. Work, especially, can cause a lot of stress for these people.
Many people who suffer episodic acute stress also consider themselves to have a Type A personality, marked by an extremely competitive focus, aggressiveness, impatience, and a sense of urgency, hostility, and insecurity. These personality identifiers cause frequent episodes of acute stress. (Type A individuals are also at a greater risk to develop coronary heart disease than Type B individuals, who have a much more laid back attitude).
Other people may find they have episodes of free-form anxiety and endlessly worry about events outside of their control. This too can cause episodic acute stress. These people often see disaster around every corner, pessimistically deal with every situation, always expecting catastrophe. These people may feel that the world is an unsafe, dangerous, and punishing place, and they tend to feel more depressed and anxious than Type A personalities.
The symptoms of episodic acute stress are the symptoms of extended overarousal:
persistent tension headaches
migraines
hypertension
chest pain
heart disease
Often, lifestyle and personality issues are so ingrained and habitual with these individuals that they see nothing wrong with the way they conduct their lives. They blame their woes on other people and external events. Frequently, they see their lifestyle, their patterns of interacting with others, and their ways of perceiving the world as part and parcel of who and what they are.
Sometimes both lifestyle and personality issues are so firmly habitual that people who live in a state of episodic acute stress see their lifestyle as normal; often blaming their problems on external events and other people. Many times, these people see their life, the way they interact with other people and their environment as a part of who they are at their core. These beliefs often mean that the sufferers of episodic acute stress resist change at all cost. They may only seek help with the promise of release from pain and discomfort of their symptoms.
Chronic Stress: is the most difficult of all types of stress. Where acute stress can feel glamorous and exciting, chronic stress is the opposite. Chronic stress grinds people down day after day, year after year until treatment or death occurs. Chronic stress is terrible on the body – it destroys our bodies, minds, and even life. Chronic stress can occur from a number of difficult situations: poverty, mentally ill or dysfunctional families, or being trapped in an abusive relationship.
People facing chronic stress never see a way out of their awful situation. The unrelenting demands and pressures of daily life wear these people down, and without any hope of a reprieve, these people often give up looking for solutions. This may be caused by:
Chronic stress may be caused by traumatic, early childhood experiments that people have internalized (thus remaining present and painful)
Some experiences that majorly affect personality
Seeing or believing something that causes unending stress (you must be perfect, the world is a bad place).
Recovery from these types of chronic stressors includes introspection and self-examination.
Unfortunately, chronic stress is often just swept away as a “part of life,” and people forget it’s there. Chronic stress is terrible on the body and mind and can lead to death by:
Suicide
Violence
Heart attack
Stroke
People experiencing long-term chronic stress finally wear themselves down to a final and fatal breakdown as their physical and mental resources are depleted over time. Treating the symptoms of chronic stress is challenging and may require medical treatment, stress management, and behavioral treatments.
How to Manage Stress:
Exercise is known to help relieve stress. It is the most effective way of reducing cortisol, which is a chemical released into your body that is directly tied to stress. Being active also helps reset your body’s responses and disengage the “fight or flight” response.
Understand your stress As everyone experiences stress differently, learn about your stress. How do you know when you are stressed? How are your thoughts or behaviors different from times when you do not feel stressed?
Identify your sources of stress What events or situations trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children, family, health, financial decisions, work, relationships, or something else?
Learn your own stress signals. People experience stress in different ways. You may have a hard time concentrating or making decisions, feel angry, irritable or out of control, or experience headaches, muscle tension or a lack of energy. Gauge your stress signals.
Recognize how you deal with stress. Determine if you are using unhealthy behaviors (such as smoking, drinking alcohol and over/under eating) to cope. Is this a routine behavior, or is it specific to certain events or situations? Do you make unhealthy choices as a result of feeling rushed and overwhelmed?
Find healthy ways to manage stress. Consider healthy, stress-reducing activities such as meditation, exercising or talking things out with friends or family. Keep in mind that unhealthy behaviors develop over time and can be difficult to change. Don’t take on too much at once. Focus on changing only one behavior at a time.
Creating lists or organizing are ways of managing your “headspace.” Lists help you create concrete, tangible goals in terms of managing and reducing your stressors.
Decreased drug, alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine use are often beneficial when managing stress. These substances change your body chemistry and often depress the release of important chemicals and hormones.
Finding ways to relax is the key to managing stress. Whether it is walking your dog, reading a book, meditation, or a vacation, taking breaks allows you to regain a measure of control over your immediate situation.
Similarly, taking deep breaths helps slow down the heart rate and lower blood pressure, as we often breath more quickly and shallowly when agitated.
Maintain a strong network of support. Sometimes you may feel the need to ask a friend or family member to help you deal with your stress. Whether you need someone to talk to or a friend to help you through a stressful situation, a good support network can help.
If you are in a stressful situation that is difficult to manage or your stress progresses into chronic issues such as anxiety or depression, it may be worth seeking the assistance of a medical professional.
A primary care physician should be able to provide treatment options – this may include stress management and coping tips and/or medication to correct symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure.
Talk therapy can be useful for discussing specific stressors or issues that have resulted in stress or symptoms of stress.
The word “anxiety” covers four aspects of experiences that a person may have: mental apprehension, physical tension, dissociative anxiety, and physical symptoms.
