Adoption Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 28, 2018

What Is Adoption?

Adoption is a process in which a person assumes parenting for another, and, while doing so, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities from the original parent or parents. Unlike guardianship, or other systems designed to care for the young, adoption is intended to be a permanent change in status that requires legal and/or religious sanction. Modern systems of adoption are often governed by many statutes and regulations.

Each year over 150,000 children are adopted in the United States. This number includes adoptions from foster care, relatives, private adoptions and international adoptions.

Children living in foster care are the largest population waiting to be adopted.

Of the 450,000 children in the system, over 125,000 are waiting for adoption. They’ll typically wait for over two years for a family to take them into their home. Many of these children will reach their 18th birthday without finding an adoptive family.

National Adoption Day and The Dave Thomas Foundation are committed to finding adoptive families for children, especially those who are in foster care. These organizations have wonderful communities for adoptive families, adoptees, and caregivers.

More than 15,000 of those adoptions each year are international adoptions, with most of those being from China, Ukraine, Russia, and Guatemala. Forty percent of the children adopted from other nations are under the age of one. China’s orphans are primarily girls while the other countries are equally dispersed.

How Do Adoptions Originate?

Adoptions may occur between family members or entirely unrelated individuals. Approximately half of the adoptions in the US are currently performed between related individuals, such as is the case with stepparent adoption, in which the new partner of a parent may legally adopt a child from a previous relationship. Intra-family adoption may also occur through child surrender, as the result of parental death, or when the child cannot otherwise be safely cared for.

Why Do People Adopt?

There are many reasons why people choose to adopt a child or children.

One of the primary reasons that people adopt a child is because they are infertile, or unable to carry a child of their own. It’s estimated that 11-24% of infertile Americans try to build a family through adoption.

There are a large number of reasons why people adopt, although not all are well documented. Some adopt children because they feel a conviction (religious or philosophical) to adopt, others want to begin a new family following divorce or death of one parent. Others adopt to avoid contributing to the perception of an over-crowded world or because they do not want to pass down genetic disorders like Tay-Sachs.

A recent study of women who choose to adopt suggest that these women are most likely to be between the ages of 40-44, married, have infertility issues, and are childless.

What Are The Types Of Adoptions?

Adoptions can occur between family members or unrelated individuals. Current data suggests that about half of the adoptions in the US are between related individuals. Unrelated adoptions can include the following types of adoption:

1) Private domestic adoptions – in a private domestic adoption, charities and for-profit organizations act as the middle man, bringing together prospective birth families and adoptive families. All parties must be of the same country. An alternative to a private domestic adoption occurs when the middle man is removed and birth families and adoptive families communicate directly, drafting contracts with a lawyer.

Private domestic adoptions account for a large percentage of all adoptions: in the US, almost 45% of all adoptions are estimated to have occurred via private adoption agencies and/or arrangements.

2) Foster Care Adoption: In this type of adoption, a child is initially placed in the foster care system, then placed for adoption. Children may enter the foster care system for a number of reasons, maltreatment and parental neglect are just a few of the reasons children end up in foster care. There are over 100,000 children in the US foster care system waiting to be adopted. Approximately 40% of all adoptions in the US are from the foster care system.

3) International Adoption: in international adoption, a child is placed up for adoption outside the child’s country of birth and can occur via public or private agencies. The laws in different countries vary in their willingness to allow international adoptions. Due to the amount of corruption and exploitation that occasionally accompanies international adoptions, there has been an effort to protect both the birth families and adoptive families from this abuse. In the US, less than 15% of adoptive families chose international adoption.

4) Embryo Adoption: the concept of embryo adoption is that remaining embryos from a couple’s IVF treatments are donated to another person or couple. These donated embryos are then placed inside the uterus of the adopted woman in order to facilitate pregnancy and childbirth. In the US, embryo adoption is governed by property law rather than the court systems.

5) Surrogacy: is an arrangement in which a woman carries and delivers a child for another couple or another person. The surrogate mother may be the child’s genetic mother (in the case of traditional surrogacy) or genetically unrelated to the child (in the case of gestational surrogacy).

What Are The Forms of Adoption?

Each type of adoption has its own set of requirements but in the end, the result is the same: a child being united with a family and a family is completed. Adoptions can take many forms: open adoptions, semi-open adoptions, and closed adoptions. These types of adoptions are discussed in further detail below:

Open Adoption:

Open adoption allows all information to be shared between the adoptive and biological parents. Open adoption can be a very informal arrangement that’s allowed to be terminated by the adoptive parents who have sole authority over the child. Other open adoptions are bound by a legally-enforceable, binding agreement which covers visitation rights, exchange of information, and other information about the adopted child.

Advantages for Open Adoption:

Those who experience an open adoption have their own unique experiences. These are some of the possible advantages of having an open adoption, including

Advantage of Open Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Feeling of control – the process in which a birth family can review, interview, and choose parents for your child can provide birth parents with a feeling of empowerment, control, and security.
• Lessened fear – when regular communication occurs between the adoptive family and the birth family, any concerns about the child’s well-being can be placed to rest.
• Relationship with the child – as an open adoption allows for more frequent interactions, there is a possibility of the development of a relationship with the child.
• Relationship with the adoptive family – because of the open lines of communication, there is an opportunity to develop a positive relationship between the adoptive and birth families.
• Lessened mourning – being able to speak with the child and his or her adoptive family helps the birth family to deal with the loss and grief of an adoption.
• Lessened uncertainty – most birth families feel comforted and reassured about their child’s well-being through regular interactions with the child’s adoptive family.
• Lessened guilt – since the lines of communication remain open and the relationship between families open, there’s less of a struggle with grief for birth parents.

Advantage of Open Adoption For Adoptive Parents:

• Reduction of fear – because there is on-going communication between the birth-family and the adoptive family, any concerns about the intentions of the birthmother can be eliminated.
• Relationship with the birth family – there’s an opportunity for the birth family and adoptive family to develop a healthy, positive relationship.
• Medical information – an open adoption allows for increased opportunities for more medical information if the need arises.
• Affirmation – an adoptive family may feel encouraged knowing that they were chosen specifically by the birth family.
• Understanding – an open adoption allows the child to understand more about his or her history so that the child can answer questions like, “who am I?” and “where did I come from?

Advantages of Open Adoption For Adopted Child:

• Understanding identity – open adoption does allow the adopted child to learn his or her family history, which can make it easier for adopted children to understand who, exactly, they are.
• No sense of abandonment – because the child can openly communicate with the birth family, the feelings of abandonment experienced by the child may be lessened.
• Medical information – as the child ages, he or she may need a more detailed medical history.
• Relationships – open adoption offers the adoptive child the potential of developing a relationship with his or her birth mother and extended family.
• Support network – as most birth families continue to be concerned about their adoptive child, the birth family can act as advocates and a support system for the child.

Disadvantages to Open Adoptions:

Open adoption occurs when potential birth parents and prospective adoptive families are able to have personal interaction. All identities are shared, and interaction may include emails, letters, telephone calls, and/or visits. Like all other forms of adoption, there are disadvantages to open adoption.

Disadvantages of Open Adoption For Birth Parents:

• Potential for disappointment – if the adoptive family fails to meet expectations when meeting with the birth family, this can lead to crushing disappointments.
• Feeling obligated – once an adoptive family has been financially involved or emotionally invested with a birth family, a birthmother may feel as though she must adopt her child to this family.
• Abused trust – the relationship with the adoptive family does allow the potential for abuse of trust, such as manipulation of situations.
• Changing minds – an adoptive family can choose to stop or terminate the adoption process at any time, which can lead to the child being placed in limbo, possibly foster care, until alternate arrangements have been made.

Disadvantages of Open Adoption for Adoptive Family

• Unstable relationships – an adoptive family may learn that their relationship with the birth family includes an unhealthy or emotionally unstable birth family member.
• Added support – an adoptive family may feel the pressure to be an emotional support system for the birth family.
• Added pressure – the birth family may want a greater amount of openness than the adoptive parents do, which may lead to the adoptive family to accept the demands of the birth family because they fear if they do not, they will not receive the baby.

Disadvantages of an Open Adoption for the Adopted Child:

• Feelings of rejection – if contact between the birth family and the adoptive family ceases, the child may feel intense rejection.
• Confusion – as the child grows, he or she may struggle with issues of identity from trying to make sense of the family history of two separate families.
• Social Anxiety – an adoptive child who has ongoing communication with his or her birth family may have trouble explaining the family dynamics to his or her peers.
• Power Plays – the adoptive child may attempt manipulation between the adoptive and birth families by playing them against one another.
• Reduction in ability to assimilate into the adoptive family – increased interaction with birth family may lead to challenges for the child in assimilating into the adoptive family.

Semi-Open Adoption:

A semi-open adoption is a process by which a potential birth mother (or birth families) exchange non-identifying information with the adopting family.

Generally speaking, semi-open adoptions are facilitated through a third party – an adoption agency or adoption attorney. The identity of all parties is typically kept confidential, the interaction between families is generally with emails and letters. Sometimes, emails or visits are arranged in a semi-open adoption.

Advantages of a Semi-Open Adoption:

Experiences with semi-open adoptions vary wildly and from person to person. However, some of the common advantages of a semi-open adoption are broken down below:

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Sense of privacy as all communication and interaction between birth parents and adoptive families are facilitated by a third party.
• Feeling in Control – birth parents can feel more in control as they have the chance to review, interview and select the adoptive parents for their child.
• Fewer Uncertainties – the interactions and updates given by the adoption agency can comfort birthmothers by reassuring them that the child is well cared for.
• Less Guilt – getting updates and letters from the adoptive family can help birthmothers feel less guilt for placing their child up for adoption.
• Lessened Mourning – placing a child up for adoption is a loss and must be grieved. Having regular updates about the child via letters and visits can help with the sense of loss experienced.
• Less Fear – with on-going communications between the birth family and adoptive family, birth parents often feel more secure about the well-being of the child.

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for Adoptive Parents:

• Medically informed – while a medical history of the birth parents is a normal part of the adoption process, a semi-open adoption allows for access to additional medical needs, if circumstances require it.
• Feeling Encouraged – Because the birthmother hand-picked the adoptive family, the adoptive family can feel reaffirmed and empowered.
• Less fear – when the intentions of the birthmother and her family are openly communicated to the adoptive parents, it helps to reduce the concerns and fears regarding the intentions of the birthmother.
• Clear Roles – having a semi-open adoption allows the roles of each party to be better managed and more clearly defined.
• Increased Confidence – While there is less communication between the birth family and the adoptive family, the adoptive family is still able to ask questions and address concerns about the child’s history.

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for The Adopted Child:

• Understanding self – in a semi-open adoption, adopted children who have access to their birth families allows them to gather more information about family history and help answer questions such as “who am I?” and “where did I come from?”
• No search required – there is no issue of the child needing to seek out his or her birth parents.
• Not Feeling Abandoned – because the child has access to his or her birth family, the child may feel less a sense of abandonment.
• Medical Information – while medical information is a standard part of an adoption, a semi-open adoption allows for the child to ask medical questions of the birth family throughout their life.

Closed Adoption:

A closed adoption is an adoption process in which there is no interaction between the birthmother and the prospective families. Once a standard procedure for adoption, all identifying information is sealed, preventing disclosure of the adoptive parents, biological kin, and adoptees identities. However, closed adoption does allow for the transmission of non-identifying information, like medical history, religious and/or ethnic background.

Advantages of A Closed Adoption:

Like any other form of adoption, the experiences of a closed adoption may vary wildly. Some of the advantages of a closed adoption may include:

Advantages of Closed Adoption For Birth Parents:

• Closure – some birth families report that a closed adoption allowed them the sense of closure to move on with their lives.
• Privacy – people who feel threatened or vulnerable by their decision to place a child up for adoption may benefit greatly from having a closed adoption.
• Reduction of fear – birthmothers who have concerns about explaining their decisions to others may find that a closed adoption offers them a way to avoid that conversation.

Advantages of Closed Adoption for Adoptive Parents:

Absence of boundaries – because the birth family has nothing to do with the adopted child, there’s no risk for complications that may arise from interference by the birth parent or co-parenting concerns.

Freedom – when the birth family is not involved with the child after the adoption, the adoptive parents are free to enjoy their family without the potential threat from outside intrusion.

Advantages of Closed Adoption For Adopted Children:

• Protection – closed adoption affords a layer of protection for adopted children who may have unstable or emotionally disturbed birth family members.
• Absence of boundaries – the adopted child is always sure who calls the shots, makes the rules, and abides by them, as there is no meddling or concerns from the birth family.

Disadvantages To A Closed Adoption:

Closed adoption occurs when there is no contact or interaction between birth families and prospective adoptive families. No identifying information shall be revealed, though non-identifying information, such as medical records, will be made available to all parties. There are a number of disadvantages to closed adoptions.

These disadvantages to closed adoptions are discussed in further detail below:

Disadvantages of Closed Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Delayed grieving – the grieving process of adopting a child can be complicated, as there is no information to be given about the child’s progress.
• Denial – placing a child in an adoptive family through closed adoption can lead to feelings of denial that the child was ever born and placed for adoption.
• Guilt – a closed adoption does not allow the birth family to explain the reasons that the child was placed for adoption, which can lead to feelings of extreme guilt.
• Lack of information – lack of information about the child can compound feelings of guilt and denial, leaving many birth families struggling with depression.
• Abandonment – many birthmothers report feeling as though they are abandoning their child, and the inability to communicate with her child can only heighten these feelings.

Disadvantages of Closed Adoption For Adoptive Parents:

• Denial – a closed adoption can increase feelings of denial about having an “adopted child,” or “fertility status.”
• Fear – adoptive families fear that the birthmother will return and demand the child back. This fear is a consequence of limited information about the birth family.
• Control – there is less personal control for the adoptive family who must rely upon the adoption agency to act as a go-between.
• Medical history – while most children who are adopted have a medical history, if medical issues arise later in life, it may be impossible to get more information about medical issues from the birth family.

Disadvantages for a Closed Adoption For The Adopted Child:

• Confusion – as the adopted child ages, he or she may struggle with personal identity as he or she has no contact with his or her birth family.
• Information – children involved in a closed adoption have limited information about their birth families and history. This lack of information can lead a void in an adopted child who has many unanswered questions about his or her heritage.
• Preoccupation – a child in a closed adoption may be preoccupied with his or her adoption than other children.

How Do I Begin An Adoption?

Deciding to pursue an adoption can feel overwhelming and scary; the process is long and involved. Here are some steps you’ll need to go through to begin an adoption:

1) Teach yourself and your family members about adoption, learn all that you can about the types of adoptions, the restrictions these adoptions require, and the approximate cost for each type of adoption. It may help to have a binder and notebook to write yourself notes and reminders.

2) Decide what type of adoption you want to pursue: domestic, international, foster care adoptions, and make a list of the adoption agencies that you’re interested in. Read reviews of the agencies, ask for references from friends, family, and coworkers, to find out which adoption agencies are legitimate and which are not.

3) Investigate ways to handle adoption expenses, which are substantial. These costs can include adoption agency feeds, legal fees, birthmother expenses, as well as home study expenses. The following are potential avenues to explore to off-set the costs of adoption:

• Employee Benefits – many employers offer adoption reimbursement, check with your Human Resources department to see if your company offers adoption reimbursement.
• Federal Tax Credit for adoption. Call 1-800-829-3676 and request information on the Adoption Tax Credit and Tax Exclusion from publication 968.
• State tax credit – contact an adoption specialist in your state to ascertain whether or not your state offers a tax credit for a child adopted from a public adoption agency.
• Military Benefits – many times, the US military will reimburse up to $2,000 per child for adoption costs.
• Dependency exemption – while not adoption-specific, adoptive parents do qualify for taking a dependency exemption on their income taxes, even if the adoption hasn’t been finalized.
• Adoption Loans – some banks, life insurance policies, and credit unions offer adoption loans.
• Private Grants – these grants are for families who are socioeconomically challenged or to encourage the adoption of special needs children. Call the National Adoption Foundation at (203) 791-3811 for more information

4) Once your research has been carefully completed, select an adoption agency or adoption facilitator and/or attorney. You’ll begin orientation with the adoption agency to discuss the adoption process. It’s recommended that you attend several orientations for different adoption agencies so that you get the sense of which agency is right for you.

5) Be ready to fill out oodles of paperwork, including an agency application form, along with various other forms that will be necessary for the adoption process to begin.

6) Once the adoption agency has reviewed and accepted your completed adoption application, you will undergo a home study. A home study is performed to evaluate the home environment and help the adoptive parents prepare for the arrival of their adopted child. The home study will include a visit from a social worker, educational classes with other adoptive families, a physical examination, fingerprints taken, and a background check performed. Average time for a completed home study is 2 months.

7) Begin to wait to be matched with a child. The waiting period depends upon a number of factors: it can take longer to adopt a Caucasian newborn (up to 5 years). Adopting another race may reduce the waiting period significantly. International adoptions may take longer than a year depending upon the requirements of the country.

8) Once you’ve been matched with a child and have decided to adopt this child, it’s time to file a petition to adopt.

9) After the birth parents have terminated their parental rights, and the child has been in the home for over six months, a social worker will submit a recommendation for approval. Then, a judge will finalize the adoption by awarding the adoptive parents the legal rights and responsibilities for their children. This final step will vary if an international adoption has taken place, as there are additional legal steps involved.

What Is Adoption Disruption?

Adoption disruption is a term that’s used when adoption is ended. Technically disruption occurs when the adoption has been abandoned by the adopting family before the adoption has been legally completed. In practice, however, adoption disruption can occur anytime an adoption is ended. Generally, the disruption of adoption requires a court petition.

Adoption disruption can occur for any number of reasons: psychological or emotional issues of the adopted child, unrealistic expectations of parenthood, or family issues among the adoptive families.

What Are Some Of The Challenges Of Adoption?

The process of adoption can be fraught with emotional upheaval and mountains of paperwork.

An adoption may be interrupted when there are changes in the law, expiration of paperwork in the case of a lengthy adoption process, or other unforeseen circumstances.  It is very beneficial for those going through the adoption process to seek social and emotional support for this reason.

Many families experience post-adoption challenges, as well. It is normal for adoptive parents and children to take time to bond and develop a family routine – this process can take longer for older children as they will be simultaneously dealing with loss from a previous living situation.

The decision of whether and how to discuss the adoption with family, friends, and the child can require much deliberation as well, especially as some families may experience insensitive comments from time to time.

Both birth parents and adoptive parents can experience depression after an adoption. In the case of a birthmother who has recently given birth, hormones coupled with the loss can trigger postpartum depression; the birth parents may have also developed an attachment to the child prior to the adoption and will grieve the loss of a child placed with an adoptive family.

Adoptive parents can find it difficult to cope with the sudden change in parenting status after an emotional adoption process and may suffer from Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS).

Additional Adoption Resources

How Long Does Adoption Take? – General information from The Adoption Guide.

Adopting.org offers an extensive site for all of those who have been touched by adoption.

American Adoptions – Resource site for those seeking information as adoptive parents or birth parents who are searching for an adoptive family.

Adoption Healing is a non-profit site for adoptive parents and adoptees seeking literature and support.

Open Adoption – Resource for those seeking an adoptive family.

United States Department of State Intercountry Adoption Site Government information site for those interested in adopting internationally.

Page last audited 7/2019

Alcohol Addiction (Alcoholism)

by Band Back Together | Jul 19, 2018

Alcoholism What Is?

Alcoholism is a chronic, often progressive disease in which a person craves alcohol and drinks despite repeated alcohol-related problems. Problems with alcohol can run the spectrum from mild drinking problem to life-threatening, and affect not only the alcoholic, but the alcoholic’s family as well as the general population in many negative ways.

Despite the focus on all of the illegal drugs of substance abuse (cocaine, crystal meth), alcohol is the number one substance abuse problem in the United States. 1 in 6, or almost 18 million adults are dependent upon alcohol, or have other alcohol-related problems. Teenagers most frequently abuse alcohol as well.

One in every three motor vehicle fatalities involves alcohol, 50% of drownings are due to alcohol, almost 20% of fire-related death, and almost 50% of murders are related to alcohol use. These shocking numbers are proof that we must work to help those who struggle with alcohol.

Alcoholism is often termed “a family disease” as alcohol negatively impacts the lives of family members and others close to the alcoholic in many ways. For the alcoholic to recover from alcoholism, family members must take part in recovery from alcohol abuse.

For people who are physically dependent upon alcohol, withdrawal from alcohol is far more dangerous than withdrawal from other substances of abuse.

What Is Alcohol Abuse Versus Alcohol Dependence?

Alcoholism can manifest itself in the forms of alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence:

Alcohol Abuse is defined as excessive, problematic use of alcohol in addition to one (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to fulfill obligations at work, school or home.
2. Legal problems or other problems with the law.
3. Continued use of alcohol despite having problems caused by drinking.
4. Recurrent alcohol use in dangerous situations.

Alcohol Dependence is a far more serious disorder, which involves extreme and maladaptive usage of alcohol, leading to three or more of the following:

1. Increased tolerance for alcohol, requiring more and more to get the same effects.
2. Inability to stop or cut back on drinking.
3. Spending much of the time drinking or recovering from drinking.
4. Drinking despite knowing the alcohol is causing problems.
5. Drinking more alcohol (or drinking over a longer period of time than intended).
6. Withdrawal symptoms if an attempt to stop drinking is made, or using alcohol as a means to keep withdrawal symptoms at bay.
7. Giving up social or work activities to drink.
8. Binge drinking, or drinking several drinks in a relatively short period of time.

What Causes Alcoholism?

There is no one single established cause for alcoholism. There is mounting evidence that there are both genetic and biologic predispositions for alcoholism, but it has not been proven.

Generally speaking, a number of factors lead to a person developing a problem with alcohol. Social factors, like peer pressure, familial influence, societal influences, as well as the availability may play a part in developing a problem with alcohol.

Psychological factors, like increased levels of stress, improper coping mechanisms, and reinforcement of drinking alcohol from other alcoholics can also play a factor in the development of alcoholism.

Twice as many men are dependent upon alcohol as women, and alcohol problems are highest within the 18-29 age bracket. People who begin to drink before age 21 are also at increased risk for the development of alcoholism.

Who Is At Risk for Alcoholism?

While alcoholism may not have a single cause, it is known that there are a number of risk factors that can lead to the development of problems with alcohol. These risk factors include:

Men who drink 15 or more alcoholic beverages a week (one drink equals one 12 oz beer, 5 oz of wine, or 1.5 oz of liquor).

Women who drink 12 or more alcoholic beverages a week.

Any person who has 5 or more drinks per occasion per week.

Individuals whose parents exhibit alcohol abuse or dependence.

Individuals who begin drinking at a young age.

Individuals who struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses.

At great risk for the development of alcoholism are children of alcoholics. These children of alcohols are also at risk for a multitude of other problems, such as:

• Substance abuse
• Conduct disorders
• Anxiety disorders
• Mood disorders

What Are The Five Types of Alcoholics?

1) Young Adult Sub-types are the largest sub-type of alcoholics. Alcoholics by age twenty-four, they rarely seek treatment for alcoholism. They do drink less frequently than other types of alcoholics, but engage in binge-drinking when they do drink.

2)Young Antisocial Sub-type are twenty-six years old on average, often smoke cigarettes and pot but tend to become alcoholics by age eighteen. This sub-type doesn’t overlap with Young Adult alcoholics. Over half of them have antisocial personality disorder.

3) Functional Sub-type are generally middle-aged working adults who have stable relationships, higher education and higher income than other alcoholics. They drink every other day, five or more drinks on drinking days.

4) Immediate Familial Sub-type who typically began drinking at seventeen and became alcoholic by age thirty. Over half of these have an immediate family member who is an alcoholic.

5) Chronic Severe Sub-type is the rarest type. Mostly includes divorced men who frequently use illicit drugs.

What Are The Symptoms of Alcohol Abuse?

Alcoholism is a disease that is most often diagnosed through behaviors and problematic effects upon functioning, rather than a set of specific medical symptoms. In fact, only two of the diagnostic criteria are physiological (tolerance and withdrawal).

Abuse of alcohol and alcoholism are associated with a wide variety of social, legal, medical, psychiatric, occupational, economic, and family problems.

Most people who have problems with alcohol remain unrecognized by health care professionals, as an alcohol will often conceal the amount and type of drinking, deny that drinking is leading to problems, the onset of alcoholism is slow, the effects of alcoholism develop subtly, and the human body can adapt to the increasing amounts of alcohol in the system.

Family and loved ones of an alcoholic often deny or minimize the problems of the alcoholic, unintentionally contributing to the alcoholism, such as protecting the alcoholic from the problems associated with drinking, taking over the responsibilities of the family.

When confronted, alcoholics will usually deny that they drink too much or have a drinking problem. Because alcoholism, like other types of addiction, is influenced by the personality of the alcoholic, the symptoms and signs of alcoholism vary widely.

Some of the symptoms that a person has a problem with alcohol can include:

• Anxiety
• Frequent falling
• Irritability
• Many different bruises
• Insomnia
• Blacking out
• Depression
• Missing school or work
• Losing a job
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Multiple car crashes
• Weight loss
• Appearing intoxicated often

Chronic alcohol abuse has medical conditions associated with the disease as well. Medical conditions associated with alcoholism can include the following:

• Cirrhosis of the liver
• Pancreatitis
• Anemia
• Alcoholic Neuropathy – malfunctioning of the nerves
• Cerebellar atrophy
• Alcoholic cardiomyopathy – heart disease
• Wernike’s encephalopathy – abnormal functioning of the brain
• Seizures
• Korsakoff’s dementia
• Confusion
• Malnutrition
• Hallucinations
• Peptic ulcers
• Bleeding in the GI tract.

Those who abuse alcohol are at great risk for mental illness and suicide as these individuals feel guilt, shame, and depression, especially when their disease causes significant losses in their lives (such as a divorce or losing a job).

How Is Alcoholism Diagnosed?

A diagnosis of alcoholism is usually made by observing a person’s behavior, unless the person is going through alcohol withdrawal or has other significant medical issues that warrant medical intervention.

Alcoholism is defined as the consumption of alcohol to the point that it interferes with a person’s personal, social, occupational or medical life. Because no two alcoholics are alike, it can be a challenge to make a diagnosis of alcoholism. However, there are several screening tests that health care providers may use to identify those at risk for alcoholism. These screening tests include:

Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test (MAST), which is a twenty-two question test often used by counselors.

CAGE Questionnaire: this screening tool asks only four questions. The more the “yes” answers, the greater the likelihood the person has a problem with alcohol:

1. Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about your drinking?
4. Do you have a drink first thing in the morning (an Eye opener) to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?

TACE Questionnaire is similar to the CAGE Questionnaire. The more “yes” responses, the higher the likelihood the person has a problem with alcohol.

1. How many drinks does it Take to get you drunk?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
4. Do you need an Eye-Opener drink each morning to steady your hands or get rid of your hangover?

Medical testing may be done to ascertain the extent of damage that alcohol has caused. These may include:

Laboratory blood draws may be performed to determine liver function, presence of anemia, electrolyte imbalances. Additional testing will be performed depending upon any medical complications.

What Is Alcoholic Ketoacidosis?

Alcoholic ketoacidosis (AKA) is a condition in which emergency medical treatment is necessary. Alcoholic ketoacidosis typically begins within four days after an alcoholic has stopped the consumption of alcohol, fluids, and food, generally from another medical problem, such as pancreatitis. AKA often occurs alongside alcohol withdrawal.

The signs of alcoholic ketoacidosis include, nausea, dehydration, and abdominal pain. These symptoms are caused by the burning of fat cells for energy, which releases ketone bodies. Ketone bodies are acids that accumulate in the blood, causing the person to feel increasingly sicker, perpetuating the viscous cycle.

How Is Alcoholism Treated?

It’s recommended that any alcoholic person seeking treatment for alcoholism utilize a team of medical professionals and therapy to ensure a safe, stable, and successful treatment. Treatment of alcoholism is divided into three stages:

1) Stabilization – the treating doctor must first make sure that person undergoing treatment for alcoholism is medically stable. This may include treatment of medical issues related or not related to the alcoholism. Alcohol withdrawal is treated with IV fluids and medications to reverse the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

2) Detoxification – during the detoxification stage (usually lasts a week) of alcoholism treatment, all consumption of alcohol will stop. As one can imagine, this stage is extremely difficult for an alcohol-dependent person and requires strict discipline and extensive support. Detox often occurs in an inpatient setting, where there is no alcohol available.

3) Rehabilitation – any treatment of alcoholism must include a long-term program to help treat those who are extremely dependent upon alcohol. Goals for rehabilitation include developing the skills not to drink, build a proper support system, and prevent relapses. Alcohol rehabilitation can occur in the following forms:

• Short-Term Programs – these rehabilitation programs last less than four weeks and involve therapy, education, training of skills, and the development of a long-term plan to prevent relapsing.
• Outpatient Counseling – this type of therapy is often the “step-down” after a stint in a rehabilitation center and can include individual, family, or group therapy. This type of therapy can help teach former alcoholics not to drink and spot early signs of a possible relapse.

4) Follow-Up – a person who suffers from alcoholism must make the decision on their own to stop abusing alcohol. Without such resolve, the goal of long-term sobriety may fall short. This can include:

• The recovering alcoholic should find – and attend – a social support group or counseling.
• The person should avoid any social situations that involve alcohol consumption.
• Home should be kept alcohol-free to avoid an impulsive relapse.

What Are The Stages of Alcohol Withdrawal?

Withdrawal from alcohol requires medical treatment and care as alcohol withdrawal syndrome can be life-threatening. The 4 phases of alcohol withdrawal are as follows:

1) Tremulous Stage – tremor of hands and legs, especially evident if the person going through alcohol withdrawal attempts to hold out his or her hand. This stage of alcohol withdrawal is often accompanied by restlessness, anxiety, and agitation.

2) Seizures often follow the tremulous stage of alcohol withdrawal in 25% of people. These seizures are most often generalized seizures, during which the whole body shakes uncontrollably until the person loses consciousness.

3) Hallucinations affect 25% of people during the late stages of major alcohol withdrawal. Visual hallucinations, such as insects or worms crawling the walls or on their skin. Many times, these visual hallucinations are accompanied by tactile hallucinations; the alcoholic going through withdrawal may also feel the insects on their skin (where there are none), which is called formication. Less commonly, auditory hallucinations occur during alcohol withdrawal.

4) Delirium Tremens (DT’s), the most dangerous stage of alcohol withdrawal, affect 5% of people withdrawing from alcohol and begins 48-72 hours after alcohol use ceases. The hallmark of the DTs is pronounced delirium – the alcoholic is awake, but confused, agitated, sweating, hallucinating. The DTs also cause hypertension and tachycardia. The Delirium Tremens is a medical emergency. If untreated, death may occur in almost 35% people. Even with medical treatment, the DTs is associated with 5%-15% death rate.

Can Alcoholism Be Prevented?

Because there has been no research that has conclusively determined the root cause for alcoholism, the only way to prevent alcoholism is through abstaining from drinking. In order to become an alcoholic, one must first become dependent upon alcohol.

If there is a strong family history of alcoholism, there is an increased risk for the development of alcoholism. Knowing that there is, indeed, a risk for developing alcoholism can help modify the attitude toward alcohol.

Ensure that you have a strong social support system in place and if you should find yourself drinking too much or becoming dependent upon alcohol, seek immediate treatment for alcoholism.

What’s The Prognosis for Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is a chronic disease, much like heart disease or diabetes. A treatment success rate of 50% is very similar to those suffering other chronic conditions.

Being able to maintain sobriety is a challenge for anyone with an addiction, and with alcohol use being so prevalent in our society, it is understandable that many recovering alcoholics may relapse. For those who don’t seek follow-up treatment after alcohol detoxification, the relapse rate is as high as 60%.

The key factors that influence the relapse rate are:

1. Higher levels of anger and frustration.
2. Less education about addiction and ways to avoid urges to drink.
3. Longer history of cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
4. More frequent alcohol consumption prior to treatment.

If a person who struggles with alcoholism continues to drink after many ongoing treatments, the prognosis is very poor. Those who are persistent heavy drinkers often succumb to the effects of alcohol.

What Are Some Warning Signs Of Alcoholism?

If you or someone you love find yourself saying “yes” to a number of these questions, you may be abusing alcohol.

If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may be abusing alcohol and should make an appointment to speak to your health care provider.

What Are The Signs of Alcohol Dependence?

Alcohol dependence is a very serious condition that comes with many medical, social, and lifestyle concerns. If you, or someone you love, can answer “yes” to a number of the following questions, you should immediately seek the care of your doctor.

Have you said yes to some of the above symptoms of alcohol abuse?

Do you experience black-outs (black-outs are memory lapses during periods of heavy drinking)?

Do you experience withdrawal symptoms during periods of sobriety?

Do you need greater amounts of alcohol to feel “drunk?”

Do you have an alcohol-related liver disease?

If you can answer yes to the above questions, seek immediate medical treatment. One should never attempt to stop drinking without a medical treatment plan.

If You or a Family Member Has a Drinking Problem:

Join a support group for people who are struggling with the same problems you are. Al-Anon, Alateen, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are all excellent support groups.

See a therapist, talk to a friend, or someone you can confide in. Isolation makes the situation much harder for you and your family.

Denying that there is a problem is damaging to you and to the rest of the family. As hard as it is to admit there is a problem, it can be liberating.

What Not To Do If Your Loved One Has A Drinking Problem:

Don’t cover up the problem or make excuses for the alcoholic.

Don’t take over responsibilities for the alcoholic as that will remove their dignity and sense of importance and enable their negative behavior.

Don’t be a martyr. Emotional appeals may further push the addict to abuse.

Don’t hide the bottles or shelter someone from situations where alcohol is present.

Don’t try to punish, threaten, preach or bribe the alcoholic.

Don’t ever, ever, EVER feel guilty or responsible for the behavior of the alcoholic. It’s not your fault. It cannot be your fault. You cannot make someone else do something they aren’t ready to do.

Additional Alcoholism Resources:

The 12-step programs, the Anonymous Programs, cover almost every addiction:

Alcoholics Anonymous The most widely used recovery and support group for alcoholics.

Al-Anon/Alateen 12-step recovery program for the families of alcoholics as alcoholism is a family disease.

Adult Children of Alcoholics– an anonymous 12-step program for adult children who grew up in an alcoholic home.

Additional Resources for Alcoholism:

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse– Research, publications, and resources about alcohol, alcoholism for families, health care providers and the general public.

Adult Children of Alcoholics, Janet G Woititz. This book provides wisdom and information for all adult children of dysfunctional families of alcoholics. It’s easily one of the best and most powerful books out there about growing up in an alcoholic home.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc Information and resources on alcoholism and drug dependencies, as well as support for parents, young people, and recovering addicts. Online tests available to help you determine if you or your loved one should seek help.

Reflections Rehab Center’s page offers a quiz to determine if you or a loved one are addicted to alcohol.

Page last audited 7/2018

Rape/Sexual Assault Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 19, 2018

IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER CALL 911

If you have been sexually assaulted/raped and are in need of immediate assistance, call 1-800-656-HOPE.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

What is Rape?

Rape/Sexual Assault is illegal sexual contact (usually involving force) done upon a person without consent.

Rape is also defined as sexual contact inflicted upon a person who is incapable of giving consent, due to either diminished physical or mental capacity.

The third definition of sexual assault is when the assailant is in a position of authority (such as a doctor or teacher) and uses that authority to force someone into sexual acts.

Rape/Sexual Assault are crimes of motive and opportunity and NOT the victim’s fault.

People who are raped suffer greatly. They feel victimized, isolated, “dirty” and guilty. It is in no way their fault what has happened to them. Assailants render their victims powerless. After such an attack, victims need to feel empowered to stand up for themselves, report the offense, and to seek help and safety so they can recover from their experience.

It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up, break the silence and report a sexual assault.

Please, know that you are not alone.

Help! I Was Just Raped!

Get yourself to a safe place. Immediate safety is what matters most of all.

Preserve all evidence of the attack. Do not bathe, wash your hands, brush your teeth, eat or smoke. If you’re still at the place the rape occurred, do not clean or straighten anything up. Write down all the details you can remember about the attack.

Whether or not you alert the authorities, for your own health, you must receive medical care.

While receiving medical care, you will be asked if specially trained nurses can perform a forensic examination. This exam is to collect any DNA or other evidence that can link your attacker to the crime. You do have the right to refuse this exam.

Know that what happened is NOT your fault.

Report the rape to the authorities.

Remember that recovering from rape takes a lot of time and patience.

Rape Statistics:

The numbers are staggering. According to RAINN

• 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime

• Every 2 minutes, someone is sexually assaulted/raped in the United States

Taking Care of Yourself After a Rape:

Taking care of yourself after a sexual assault may be a really hard thing to do. You may not want to get out of bed, let alone take a shower, but it’s important that you take care of yourself, physically AND emotionally.

Make sure to get enough sleep, exercise, food, and medical care.

Get counseling if you feel it would help. Call 800-656-HOPE to find a center near you.

Write it out. Keep a journal or write about the assault here on Band Back Together. We’d be honored to have you with The Band.

Try meditation exercises to de-stress.

Make sure everyone in your life is supportive and loving. Keep nurturing relationships that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t isolate yourself – spend time with friends and family who love you.

Avoid friends or family who only call you when they need something. You don’t have to cut them off completely or anything like that, but these aren’t the relationships you need to foster at this time.

Make some time for fun. Whatever it is that you like to do (run, paint, write, hang with friends) make some time to enjoy your life again.

Types of Sexual Violence:

There are many different types of sexual assaults, according to RAINN.

Acquaintance Rape – coercive sexual activities that occur against a person’s will by means of force, violence, duress, or fear of bodily injury, perpetrated by someone with whom the victim is acquainted.

Child Sexual Abuse – may involve a family member (incest) or a non-family member and may involve sexually suggestive language, oral sex, prolonged kissing, vaginal or anal intercourse, prolonged groping, forcing a minor to watch pornography, sexual aggression.

Dating or Domestic Violence – is a pattern of behavior in any relationship used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Drug Facilitated Sexual Violence – sexual violence in which drugs or alcohol are used to compromise an individual’s ability to consent to sexual activity.

Incest – sexual contact between two people who are so closely related that marriage is illegal.

Male Sexual Assault – despite what society believes, men can be and are sexually assaulted and raped.

Military Sexual Trauma (MST) – a broad term used by the Veterans Administration (VA) to categorize ANY sexual misconduct, rape, sexual advance or sexual harassment within the military. Victims of MST are no different from victims of any other sexual assault. The same feelings of shame, guilt and anger are common in any trauma victim. The VA has specific resources for victims of MST, whether retired or current active duty military.

Multiple-Perpetrator Sexual Assault – Multiple-perpetrator sexual assault, sometimes called gang rape, occurs when two or more perpetrators act together to sexually assault the same victim.

Partner Rape – rape or sexual assault that occurs between two people who currently have – or have had – a consensual sexual relationship.

Prisoner Rape – If you’re an inmate, a former inmate, or know an inmate who survived sexual assault while in prison, there are resources available to you

Sexual Assault/Rape – anyone can be a rape victim – men, women, children, those who are straight or gay.

Sexual Assault As A Hate Crime – victimization of an individual based upon race, religion, national origin, ethnic identification, gender or sexual orientation.

Sexual Exploitation by Helping Professionals – sexual contact between any helping profession – doctors, lawyers, therapists, police officers, nurses, teachers, or priests.

Sexual Harassment – requests for sexual favors, unwelcome sexual advances or offensive remarks about a person’s gender or sex. This also includes creating a hostile work environment, such as through posting sexual pictures, leering, or physical contact.

Sexual Abuse by Medical Professionals – When you go to the doctor, dentist, hospital or physical therapist, or see other medical professionals, you trust them to treat you with respect as they care for your health.

Sexual Abuse of People with Disabilities – Consent is crucial when any person engages in sexual activity, but it plays an even bigger, and more complicated role when someone has a disability.

Stalking – a serious, frequently violent, life-threatening crime that can escalate over time

Aftereffects of Rape/Sexual Assault

There are many devastating aftereffects of rape that a rape victim has to deal with. These can range from mild to severe and are all normal reactions. Here are the most common reactions following a rape:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – many rape victims experience extreme feelings of stress, anxiety, and fear as a direct result of the attack.

Substance Abuse – many rape survivors turn to alcohol or other substances of abuse to try to relieve their emotional suffering.

Self-Injury – deliberate self-harm or self-injury may be used by rape victims as a way of coping with their emotional pain.

Depression – of all the emotional and psychological problems following an assault, depression is most common.

Sleep Disorders – many of those who have been attacked will experience sleep disturbances and problems.

Eating Disorders – those who have been sexually assaulted often use the control of food in an attempt to deal with negative emotions.

Suicide – some of those who have been sexually assaulted consider ending their own life as a response to the negative feelings about the assault.

Pregnancy – as a sexual assault may have involved bodily fluids, there is a possibility of pregnancy resulting from the attack.

Sexually Transmitted Infections – if the rape involved the exchange of bodily fluids, there is a chance for the transmission of sexually transmitted infections.

How To Protect Yourself From Being A Rape/Sexual Assault Victim:

Not all rapes can be prevented, but here are some tips for protecting yourself from becoming a sexual assault victim.

Protect Yourself Socially:

• Attend social gatherings and parties with a group of friends, check in with them throughout the night and leave with them.

• Keep an eye on your friends. Make sure they watch out for you.

• Don’t leave your drink unattended and don’t accept drinks from people you don’t know.

• Trust your instincts.

• Call 911 if you think a friend has been drugged.

Avoid Dangerous Situations:

• Know your surroundings and environment.

• Walk with purpose.

• Trust your instincts.

• Don’t load yourself down with heavy packages.

• Keep your cell phone on you.

• Avoid isolated areas.

• Take off your headphones.

How To Handle Being Pressured:

• Try to think of an escape route.

• Be true to yourself and don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

• Remember that it’s NOT your fault.

• Use excuses or lies to get away rather than stay and feel uncomfortable.

How Do I Keep My Child Safe?

• Discuss sexuality directly and openly.

• Teach your child the names of their body parts.

• Explain that some body parts are private.

• ALL children need to be taught that it’s NOT okay if someone’s touching them in an uncomfortable way.

• Be involved in your child’s activities, talk about current events with your child.

• Make sure your child knows they can talk to you if they have questions.

How Do I Support A Loved One Who Has Been Raped?

There are a number of ways to help a friend or loved one who has been the victim of sexual violence. It may be hard for you, the loved one, to handle your own emotions, so if you need help, do not hesitate to talk to a counselor yourself.

Here are some tips to support a loved one who has been sexually assaulted:

Listen to your loved one. Be there for them. Don’t be judgmental.

Be patient. It takes a long time to deal with and recover from a sexual assault.

Help empower your friend or loved one. Rape is a crime that takes away the power of the victim – it’s important not to put pressure on your loved one to do things he or she is not ready to do.

If your loved one is considering suicide, take extra care to love them and follow up with them.

Encourage your loved one to report the rape to law enforcement. If they do not wish to, respect their wishes.

Additional Rape Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN):  Provides information on how to get help for both victims and loved ones, links to local agencies and international resources, and on reporting sexual crimes to the police.

Joyful Heart Foundation: Created by Law and Order’s Mariska Hargitay for survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence, and child abuse. The organization’s mission is to educate, empower and shed light onto these terrible crimes and help the survivors heal.

End the Backlog: A charity organization seeking justice for survivors by working in partnership with government, non-profits, advocates, and survivors to bring attention, funding and new legislation to reduce the backlog of untested rape kits across the country.

National Sexual Violence Resource Center: the nation’s primary information and resource center regarding all aspects of sexual violence.

It Happened to Alexa Foundation: provide funds for families to travel and be with a rape victim for the duration of the trial.

Post last audited 7/2019

Psychological Manipulation Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018

What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological Manipulation is a type of influence that attempts to change the behavior or perception of others through underhanded, deceptive and abusive techniques. This advances the interests of the manipulator, generally at the victim’s expense, in methods that may be considered abusive, devious, deceptive, and exploitative. Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Psychological Manipulators know what they want and fight hard to get it.

The tactics Psychological Manipulators use are very effective methods of power and control because they’re almost impossible to be seen as aggressive on the surface, at the unconscious level, the victim feels backed into the corner. Once a victim is backed into a corner, it is more likely that they’ll back down or give in to the manipulator’s demands.

Why Do People Manipulate?

There are many motivations behind manipulation – as varied as the manipulators themselves. Perhaps the manipulator needs to gain something purposefully or feels that they have to advance their own causes or plans – no matter what the cost to others may be. Maybe they need to feel powerful and in control of their relationships with others. Maybe feeling powerful over others increases their own self-esteem. Maybe the person does not have the social skills to obtain what is wanted or needed by traditional means. Some Psychological Manipulators are psychopathic, having trouble empathizing with or understanding the feelings of themselves or others, and placing their own desires foremost because of it.

How Do Manipulators Manipulate?

There are many techniques that manipulators can use to gain power and control over their victim. Here is a breakdown of some manipulation techniques.

Brandishing Anger – manipulators use anger and rage to shock their victims into submission, although real anger is not necessarily experienced by the manipulator. The anger is simply a show to get whatever he or she wants by cowing the victim into submission.

Covert Intimidation – The victim is thrown on the defensive by manipulator using subtle, indirect, or implied threats.

Denial – The manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done anything wrong.

Diversion – Rather than giving a straight answer, the manipulator will often change the subject, often without the change being noticed.

Feigning Confusion – The manipulator plays dumb – pretending she or he has no idea what the victim is talking about or is confused by the topic at hand.

Feigning Innocence – The manipulator suggests that anything harmful was done unintentionally or that it didn’t happen. This makes the victim question their judgment and/or sanity in feeling hurt or betrayed.

Evasion and diversion – Providing vague, rambling, incoherent responses to the victim. This often leads to confusion over the matter at hand, as well as making it less likely that the victim will be inclined to pursue further conversations on the topic.

Gaslighting – A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

Guilt-Tripping – The manipulator suggests to a conscientious victim that he or she doesn’t care enough, is too selfish, or has it easy. The victim generally feels guilt or shame as a result and is thrown into a submissive, anxious, and self-doubting state.

Isolation – It is far easier to keep a person under control if they are isolated from family members and friends who could shed some light and truth on the situation.

Love-Bombing – Manipulators typically use love-bombing as a manipulation tactic, they will go on a charm offensive and get you hooked into thinking this is the best relationship ever, then they’ll drop you like a ton of bricks without explanation.

Lying – By the time the truth is apparent, it may be too late to do anything about it. Many manipulative personality types are experts at lying and may do so in subtle ways that are hard to detect.

Lies of Omission – This is lying by withholding a part of the truth, usually with the intention of making something seem innocuous, or less harmful than it really was.

Minimization – The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful as is suggested.

Mood Swings – Never knowing what mood your partner is going to be in when you get home, whether they’ll be happy or angry is a very useful tool for the predator. It keeps their victim off balance and makes them more malleable.

Not Telling The Whole Story This is different from lying as a predator will often keep a key part of the story to themselves in order to put their victim at a disadvantage.

Over-the-top aggression – Manipulators often use rage and aggression to shock their victim into submission. The anger is also a tool to shut down any further conversation on the topic as the victim is scared but focused now on controlling the anger, not the original topic.

Playing the Victim – The manipulator portrays themselves as a victim of circumstance or other people in order to gain pity, sympathy, or compassion from their conscientious victim.

Positive Reinforcement – This includes buying expensive presents, praising them, giving money, constantly apologizing for their behavior, excessive charm, and paying lots of attention to his or her victim.

Projecting the Blame – Scapegoating in subtle ways, blaming the victim or other people for the negative actions or consequences of their actions. This helps to portray the manipulator in a more positive light, and can actively harm the victim’s relationships with other people, who may not even have been involved.

Punishment – can include constant nagging, shouting, the silent treatment, physical and emotional abuse.

Rationalization – An excuse from the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization involves giving reasons as to why their behavior was justified and appropriate. When coupled with Guilt-Trips or Scapegoating, the manipulator will often wind up looking like a victim, evoking sympathy from the real victim.

Sarcasm – A predator will often be sarcastic about their victim in front of others. They do this to lower the self-esteem of the victim and to show others how powerful they are.

Seduction – Using charm, praise, or flattery to lower the defenses of the victim so that the manipulator gains trust and loyalty.

Shaming – Sarcasm and insults can be used by the manipulator to increase self-doubt and fear in the victim, to make the victim feel unworthy. This may be accomplished by anything from a very subtle fierce look or unpleasant tone of voice to a rhetorical comment. This may make the victim feel bad for daring to challenge them, which also fosters a sense of inadequacy in the victim.

Spinning the Truth – How many times have politicians twisted the facts to suit themselves? This spinning of the truth is often used to disguise bad behavior by predators such as sociopaths.

Vilifying the Victim – A powerful method of putting the victim on the defensive while masking aggressive intention. When a manipulator accuses the victim of wrongdoing, they are making the victim defend themselves whilst the predator is able to mask their own manipulation techniques. The focus is on the victim, not the accuser.

Vulnerabilities Exploited By Manipulators:

The following are a list of vulnerabilities that may exist in the victims of manipulators. By no means comprehensive, these traits tend to be common in people who are often victimized by Psychological Manipulators.

• A desire to please and earn the approval and acceptance of others.
• Naivete – the victim doesn’t want to believe that anyone is cunning or ruthless and may be in denial of own victimhood.
• Fear of negative emotions.
• Over-internationalization – believing what the manipulator says to be true, which can result in self-doubt or shame.
• Excessive empathy – the victim tries really hard to understand the point of view of the manipulator and believes the manipulator has a justifiable reason to be hurtful.
• Over-conscientiousness – the victim is too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt.
• Low Self-Confidence – victim lacks the ability to say no, doubts themselves, lacks confidence.
• Emotional Dependency – the victim has a dependent or submissive personality. The more submissive or dependent, the more vulnerable the victim is to exploitation.
• Low emotional skills – when the victim does not understand his or her emotional self well, they misinterpret feelings

Spotting Manipulation:

In an article by Fiona McColl about manipulation, she identifies several methods of spotting manipulation. If you think you are being victimized, these are common signs to look for.

1.  Home Court Advantage  A manipulative person can insist on your meeting in a physical space where he or she can exercise dominance and control such as a manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces. The common thread is that he or she feels comfortable, owns the space, and feels familiar. All of which are things a victim lacks.

2.  Let You Speak First to Establish Your Baseline and Look for Weaknesses This is what most salespeople do when they meet you – they ask general and probing questions to gather a baseline read on your thinking and behavior – which lets them evaluate your strengths and weaknesses.

3.  Manipulation of Facts Examples: Lying. Excuse-making. Two-faced. Blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deformation of the truth. Strategic disclosure or withholding of key information. Exaggeration. Understatement. The one-sided bias of issue.

4.  Overwhelm You with Facts and Statistics some manipulators like to use “intellectual bullying” which makes them appear expert and knowledgeable in some areas. They impose alleged facts, statistics, and other things you may not know. This can happen in sales, work, or social arguments. By assuming that they know more than you do, they hope to push through their own agenda. Some people use this to feel intellectually superior.

5.  Bullshit apologies are often noticeable. If your inner gut is telling you that an apology is bullshit, it probably is. Further, if you are honest with an emotional manipulator about your feelings, he or she may turn their angst and stress upon you, until YOU wind up comforting THEM.

6. I’ll do you a favor, I guess is an example of a common manipulation tactic. A manipulator will propose or agree to assist you with a task, and follow the acceptance up with sighs and subtle behavior to let you know they do not want to follow-through on the agreement.

7. Manipulators are awesome at turning a phrase, by which I mean that they may say one thing, then later deny that they did not say anything at all! Also common is the telling of the truth in such a way as to mean something other than what, on the surface, has been said.

8. Guilt is a common tool for manipulators. Because manipulators often do not directly express their needs and wants, they use tactics, such as guilt, to get someone to act the way they want them to act. Typically this is manifested in terms of the victim needing to care for the manipulator’s needs, at the expense of your own.

9. Fighting dirty is not uncommon because manipulators do not like direct confrontation. Often they are passive-aggressive and let you subtly know that they are not happy.

10. Being upstaged by the manipulator’s pain – you have a headache, he has a migraine. Calling them on this behavior often results in someone becoming defensive and combative.

11. Overwhelm You with Procedures and Red Tape involves using bureaucracy to maintain their power while making your life harder. This can cause a victim to delay fact-finding, truth-seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

12. Raising Their Voice and Displaying Negative Emotions many psychological manipulators raise their voice or cry during discussions – this is called “aggressive manipulation.” Manipulators do this to gain coercion and give them what they want. This aggressive manipulation is often combined strong body language, like standing imposingly or gesturing – to further influence others.

13. Negative Surprises  Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you.

14. Giving You Little or No Time to Decide – while often used in sales, the manipulator applies tension and control over you so you will crack under pressure and give in to the manipulator.

15. Negative Humor – this tactic is used to poke fun at weaknesses and dis-empower their victims. Some manipulators make critical remarks – often disguised as humor or sarcasm – that makes you feel insecure and inferior. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

16. Consistently Judge and Criticize You to Make You Feel Inadequate. n this form of manipulation, he manipulator outright picks on you. By marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. This is designed to make you feel small and not good enough. This is most often accomplished through covert-aggression or carefully veiled aggression.

How To Combat Manipulation:

1. Hold them accountable! Manipulators often are not held accountable and thus have poor boundaries with others. They do what it takes to get their way. If you tell someone how they hurt your feelings and then that person turns that around to be about them and their suffering, bring the conversation back to the original point- that your feelings are hurt.

2. Take notes! Take notes about conversations and important points, so that you can refer back to those notes later when a manipulator claims a conversation went a different way or never happened.

3. Walk away! Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just walk away. Revisit the situation later, and don’t get sucked into the drama.

4. Know your human rights – The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights.

5. Keep your distance –  One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to.

6. Avoid self-blame – Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights.

7. Ask probing questions – Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme.

8. Use the time wisely – In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximize their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Salespeople call this “closing the deal.”) During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying:

“I’ll think about it.”

9. Know How To Say “No”―Diplomatically But Firmly To be able to say “no” diplomatically but firmly is to practice the art of communication. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life.

10. Confront bullies (but do it safely) – A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person. The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down.

11. Set consequences – When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence. The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect.

Page audited 7/2019

Childhood Bullying Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018

What is Childhood Bullying?

Bullying used to be considered a “rite of passage,” something that kids just had to go through to “get their licks;” something to be survived. After the series of murders at Columbine High School as well as the recent rash of teen suicides, adults have finally begun to take an interest and a stand against bullying. Current estimates indicate that over half of all children will be the victim of bullies at some point during their schooling careers.

And now, unlike when we were kids, as we’re living in the Internet Generation, children have yet another place in which they are able to be the targets of bullies – the Internet.

The Importance of Not Labeling Kids

When referring to a bullying situation, it is easy to call the kids who bully others “bullies” and those who are targeted “victims,” but this may have unintended consequences. When children are labeled as “bullies” or “victims” it may:

• Send the message that the child’s behavior cannot change
• Fail to recognize the multiple roles children might play in different bullying situations
• Disregard other factors contributing to the behavior such as peer influence or school climate

Instead of labeling the children involved, focus on the behavior. For instance:

• Instead of calling a child a “bully,” refer to them as “the child who bullied”
• Instead of calling a child a “victim,” refer to them as “the child who was bullied”
• Instead of calling a child a “bully/victim,” refer to them as “the child who was both bullied and bullied others.

Kids Involved in Bullying

The roles kids play in bullying are not limited to those who bully others and those who are bullied. Some researchers talk about the “circle of bullying” to define both those directly involved in bullying and those who actively or passively assist the behavior or defend against it. Direct roles include:

• Kids who Bully: These children engage in bullying behavior towards their peers. There are many risk factors that may contribute to the child’s involvement in the behavior. Often, these students require support to change their behavior and address any other challenges that may be influencing their behavior.
• Kids who are Bullied: These children are the targets of bullying behavior. Some factors put children at more risk of being bullied, but not all children with these characteristics will be bullied. Sometimes, these children may need help learning how to respond to bullying.

Even if a child is not directly involved in bullying, they may be contributing to the behavior. Witnessing the behavior may also affect the child, so it is important for them to learn what they should do when they see bullying happen. Roles kids play when they witness bullying include:

• Kids who Assist: These children may not start the bullying or lead in the bullying behavior, but serve as an “assistant” to children who are bullying. These children may encourage the bullying behavior and occasionally join in.
• Kids who Reinforce: These children are not directly involved in the bullying behavior but they give the bullying an audience. They will often laugh or provide support for the children who are engaging in bullying. This may encourage the bullying to continue.
• Outsiders: These children remain separate from the bullying situation. They neither reinforce the bullying behavior nor defend the child being bullied. Some may watch what is going on but do not provide feedback about the situation to show they are on anyone’s side. Even so, providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior.
  • These kids often want to help, but don’t know how. Learn how to be “more than a bystander.”
• Kids who Defend: These children actively comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child’s defense when bullying occurs.

Most kids play more than one role in bullying over time. In some cases, they may be directly involved in bullying as the one bullying others or being bullied and in others they may witness bullying and play an assisting or defending role. Every situation is different. Some kids are both bullied and bully others. It is important to note the multiple roles kids play, because:

• Those who are both bullied and bully others may be at more risk for negative outcomes, such as depression or suicidal ideation.
• It highlights the need to engage all kids in prevention efforts, not just those who are known to be directly involved.

What Are The Types of Childhood Bullying?

There are any number of ways in which a child can be bullied. These include:

Physical Bullying – includes physical harm like hitting, kicking, punching, kicking or destroying another kid’s property.

Verbal Bullying – this type of bullying may be worse than actual physical violence. Verbal bullying includes teasing, gossiping, rumors, name-calling, taunting, and racial slurs.

Cyberbullying – this type of bullying includes mean and harassing emails, text messages, posting messages on blogs and leaving troll-ish comments on Facebook walls or Twitter accounts.

Signs Your Child May Be The Victim of A Bully:

There are many warning signs that may indicate that a child is being bullied. Your child may not come right out and say that he or she is the target of bullies – there is a lot of shame that goes along with being the target of bullies.

It’s vital that parents and other caregivers are able to recognize the signs that a child is being bullied. The signs of bullying may include the following:

Child comes home from school missing belongings, ripped clothes or damaged personal items.

Child claims to “lose” things like books, clothes, jewelry, or electronics.

Child appears to be easily distressed and emotional.

The child appears to be easily upset, cries easily and without much provocation.

Child exhibits disruptive and/or aggressive behavior – which is a change from previous behaviors.

Loses interest in talking to or visiting friends.

The child makes up excuses to avoid school or certain activities that were once loved.

The child has become secretive about his or her life – spending more time alone.

Hesitant to ride the school bus – asks for rides to school or volunteers to walk or ride a bike to school.

Newly fearful of different situations after previously being a fearless person.

Sudden bedwetting, nightmares, or trouble sleeping.

The child has many sudden and unexplained bruises or other injuries.

The bullied child begins to feel helpless, like he or she cannot control the situation.

Physical symptoms begin to emerge within the child. These may include stomach aches, headaches, vomiting, hair-pulling (dermatillomania).

Child begins to talk about death, dying, or suicide using phrases like “I wish I were dead.” May write stories about death, poems about death – death and dying may be romanticized in child’s life.

Has become a poor student – grades are suffering, interest in school is waning.

Child has only a few close friends – or none at all.

Child begins having problems eating or sleeping properly.

I’m Afraid My Child Is Being Bullied. Now What?

If you’re beginning to suspect (or have learned) that your child is being bullied, you may be outraged, furious that someone would hurt your child. You, as a parent, do need to take the situation seriously. Before you take action, take a deep breath and read the following tips.

Rather than approach it in an angry way with your child, be calm, and ask the child if he or she is being hurt by another person. A child may react to your anger and misinterpret as anger AT YOUR child, so being calm and collected is important

Tell your child that you believe him or her, that you’re going to help make this bullying stop. That you will make sure that your child is going to be safe, and protected.

Thank your child for opening up about being the victim of a bully, continue an open dialog about the day-to-day school experiences for the child.

Work with your child to teach him or her how to respond to different types of bullies.

Remind your child to ask the teacher, the lunchroom aide, the librarian, the counselor, any adult, for help dealing with the bullies.

Suggest that your child use the “buddy system” when at school or wherever the bullying takes place.

Talk to schools, teachers or other involved adults about your concerns about bullying so that a plan to stop bullying can be created.

Bring awareness to parent groups, PTA, or other groups and associations that correspond with your child.

Learn about bullying- help your child develop tactics and resources around bullying.

Familiarize yourself with legislation related to bullying. Many states have bullying legislation – call your representative for more information and to get involved.

What Do I Do If My Child Is A Bully?

While it may be very hard for parents to hear that their child is a bully, parents of children who bully must pay special attention to address this important issue before the situation becomes worse.

Parents of children who bully must remember that children who bully have a greater risk for criminal or risky behavior later in life. Be sure to work with your child’s school or a therapist to address these issues. Here are some tips for managing a child who bullies:

Ask your child about bullying. Listen objectively and calmly ask for an explanation of any situation in which your child is accused of being involved.

Make it clear that bullying is not okay and will not be tolerated. You can do this calmly and without berating the child. Any bullying on your end may further reinforce the negative behavior in your child.

Spend more time with your child and monitor activities and friends.

Provide clear consistent rules with consequences for negative behavior and praise for positive behavior at home.

Work with the school to send the message that bullying must stop.

Consult a therapist or school counselor to provide your child with additional help to understand the negative consequences of bullying.

A parent’s first instinct may be to deny the bullying and stand up and defend their child. This is especially true if the reporting parent is angry, hostile, or aggressive. As a parent, recognizing that there may be a problem is a first step. Ask for respect and calmness during the conversation and find out as many details as you can about the situation. Use this opportunity to build a relationship with the target’s family to help you monitor your child’s behavior.

Failure to manage and control the bullying behavior may lead to greater consequences in the future. A continued pattern of behavior will emerge including disrespect for authorities, vandalism, substance abuse, and maybe even conduct disorder.

What Are The Effects of Bullying?

Bullying can affect everyone—those who are bullied, those who bully, and those who witness bullying. Bullying is linked to many negative outcomes including impacts on mental health, substance use, and suicide. It is important to talk to kids to determine whether bullying—or something else—is a concern.

Kids Who are Bullied

Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, school, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience:

• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood.
• Health complaints
• Decreased academic achievement—GPA and standardized test scores—and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.

A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

Kids Who Bully Others

Kids who bully others can also engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. Kids who bully are more likely to:

• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults
• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school
• Engage in early sexual activity
• Have criminal convictions and traffic citations as adults
• Be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses, or children as adults

Bystanders

Kids who witness bullying are more likely to:

• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs
• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• Miss or skip school

The Relationship between Bullying and Suicide

Media reports often link bullying with suicide. However, most youth who are bullied do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behaviors.

Although kids who are bullied are at risk of suicide, bullying alone is not the cause. Many issues contribute to suicide risk, including depression, problems at home, and trauma history. Additionally, specific groups have an increased risk of suicide, including American Indian and Alaskan Native, Asian American, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth. This risk can be increased further when these kids are not supported by parents, peers, and schools. Bullying can make an unsupportive situation

Why Do Kids Bully?

There are many reasons why a child may bully another child. Sometimes they are unable to express their emotions constructively. Other times, they need a physical outlet for their anger. Perhaps their home life is disruptive, and they are not used to being accountable for their actions’ consequences.

Popular media also plays a part in why people bully. For example, there are many television shows that promote “voting people off” the show for poor skill, performance, or looks. These shows reinforce a child’s belief that treating people disparagingly is okay.

The internet has also provided a strong outlet for kids to bully one another. The internet is easily accessible by many avenues, and it is easier for a kid to “hide” behind the shield of the internet, and not experience the other kid’s reaction to the bullying.

Finally, bullying may be the result of a turbulent family home. Compassion is a good tool to have when interacting with a bully, because more often than not they feel just as alone and scared.

Additional Resources About Childhood Bullying:

Bullying Statistics – This website is a comprehensive look at bullying, bullying statistics, the types of bullying, and how to stop bullying whether you or your child is the bully or the target. This page discusses how to parent a bully.

Kids Health – This website is dedicated to kid health, and the page in particular to childhood bullying. The article discusses what it means to be bullied, how to stop it, and what to do.

It Gets Better – The It Gets Better Project is a nonprofit organization with a mission to uplift, empower, and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the globe.