by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018
For purposes of this article, the terms “sexual assault” and “rape” will be used interchangeably.
What is Date Rape?
Date rape, also known as acquaintance rape, is a sexual assault – or attempted sexual assault – committed by someone the sexual assault victim knows. Date rape, like other types of rape, involves sexual intercourse without mutual consent. Date rape is more appropriately called “acquaintance” rape, as “date” implies that the victim is in a relationship with his or her attacker.
While the term “rape” conjures up images of strangers attacking a random victim, almost 80% of rapes (or 4 out of every 5 rapes) are committed by people that the victim knows. A woman is four times more likely to be raped by someone she knows. Even if the perpetrator of the sexual assault has had previous consensual sexual relations with the victim, it is still illegal to force sex upon another.
Many people who have been raped by people that they know have a difficult time believing that what happened to them was rape. Rather than focusing upon the violation of the rape, he or she may blame him or herself for the rape.
It is important to remember that the act of rape has nothing to do with sex or passion or love – rape is always an act of aggression and violence.
The trauma of acquaintance rape is no less severe than a rape committed by a stranger.
How Common is Date Rape?
It’s unfortunate to note that date or acquaintance rape is far more common than you may think. While many rape victims do not report rape or sexual assaults, victims are even less inclined to report rape by someone that he or she knows.
The scary thing is that nearly 80% (4 out of 5 cases) of rapes are date rape situations. Effectively this means that a woman or man is 4 times more likely to be raped by someone she knows.
Who Commits Acquaintance Rape?
Those who commit acquaintance rape don’t have a particularly recognizable profile, there are some commonalities among those who commit acquaintance rape. These include:
- People who are aggressive in intimate relationships
- People who bend toward violence to solve problems
- People who are overly demanding of their partners.
A date rape perpetrator can be:
- Your partner
- An ex-partner
- A friend
- Someone you work with
- A new acquaintance
Acquaintance Rape Myths Dispelled:
“Men can’t be raped” – Most victims of acquaintance rape are female, but males can also be the victim of a sexual assault.
“He/She was asking for it” – Nobody “asks” to be raped.
“He/She just loves me – that’s how he/she shows it” – Rape is not a crime of love or passion – it is about violence and force.
“The victim had a lot of sexual partners” – It does not matter how many sexual partners a person has had – they still do not deserve to be raped.
“She was dressed provocatively. She was looking for sex” – Wearing a short skirt or skimpy clothing does not mean that someone is “asking for it,” or “deserves it.”
“He/She was wasted” – Being intoxicated by alcohol or other drugs does not imply consent to sexual intercourse.
“He/She bought me dinner!’ – Just because you buy dinner and drinks does not mean that you owe your date sex.
“He can’t control his urges – he’s a guy” – Guys CAN control their sexual urges.
“I didn’t fight back” – Even if you don’t fight back, it’s still rape.
“Only bad people get raped” – Even “nice” girls can be raped.
“Rapists LOOK like rapists” – Rapists are not generally scary looking people – they’re people from ordinary backgrounds of all ages.
“My attacker didn’t use a weapon, so it’s not rape” – It’s still rape even if the perpetrator does not use a gun or knife.
“I didn’t say NO” – Even if you did not expressly say no to the sexual encounter, there are many other ways that someone can insinuate that he or she is not in the mood for sex.
What Are The Three Stages of Acquaintance Rape?
In order to prevent an acquaintance rape, it helps to know what the stages of acquaintance rape are. Many of our societal norms dictate that we behave politely and passively around others. This means that we may suppress our feelings of discomfort and fear so that we don’t offend someone else. Above all else, no matter how rude you may feel, LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE – IT MAY TELL YOU WHEN SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.
Here are the three stages of acquaintance rape, as explained by RAINN:
1) Intrusion – this is an attempt by the rape perpetrator to violate the victim’s personal space and level of comfort. This may be demonstrated by revealing personal information, or via seemingly-accidental touches and stares.
2) Desensitization – this stage of acquaintance rape occurs when the victim feels comfortable around the rape perpetrator. He or she regards the intrusive behaviors as non-threatening. The victim during this stage of acquaintance rape may feel uneasy but often convinces him or herself that the feeling is unfounded.
3) Isolation – the rape perpetrator uses the victim’s trust to isolate the victim from others.
How Can I Spot The Warning Signs of a Date Rape?
There are a couple of things to keep in mind to try and avoid date or acquaintance rape.
- The most important thing when trying to prevent a date rape is this: Trust your gut – if it’s saying something’s wrong – LISTEN TO IT.
- Go out with a group when you’re going on a date.
- Organize your own way home so you don’t end up relying upon your date for a ride.
- Keep a cell phone on you.
- Most date rapes happen in the home, so be careful about inviting him or her inside and vice versa.
- Keep an eye on anyone who spends the night feeding you drinks. Being drunk can make your judgment VERY impaired.
- Keep an eye on your friends – make sure they’re not getting themselves into a dangerous situation.
- You ALWAYS have the right to say no. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
What Are The “Date Rape Drugs?”
Sometimes, rapists use extremely powerful drugs to assist in a sexual assault or acquaintance rape. These drugs may be slipped into a drink while the victim is not looking and may cause the victim to become weak, confused, and possibly pass out. Once a victim is passed out, he or she cannot resist sexual intercourse – and may not remember what happened.
These date rape drugs can be used on men and women and include the following:
Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) – a small, round, white pill (newer forms may be oval and grey-green colored) that dissolves in liquids. The dye in these new pills makes clear liquids turn bright blue and dark drinks cloudy – but the color change may be hard to note in a darkened room.
The effects of Rohypnol can be felt within 30 minutes and lasts a couple of hours. A person on Rohypnol may behave as though they are drunk – they may have trouble standing, speech may be slurred, or they may pass out.
Other effects may include:
- Feeling drunk
- Loss of muscle control
- Difficulties with movements
- Slurred speech – trouble talking
- Nausea/Stomach problems
- Amnesia – No memory of being drugged
- Confusion
- Dizziness
- Sleepiness
- Death
GHB (gamma hydroxybutyric acid) – comes in different forms – a colorless, odorless liquid, white powder or pill, that can give drinks a salty flavor that’s easily masked by juices or other sweet drinks. GHB takes effect about 15 minutes after it is ingested, and its effects can last 3-4 hours. Even a small amount can cause tremendous effects – so overdose on GHB is common.
Problems with GHB include:
- Sleepiness
- Nausea/Vomiting
- Problems with vision
- Dizziness
- Loss of consciousness
- Amnesia – cannot remember events that happened during drugging.
- Feeling as though in a dream
- Seizures
- Breathing difficulties
- Tremors
- Slowed heart rate
- Coma
- Death
Ketamine – comes in a liquid form or a white powder. Ketamine, or “Special K” is a fast-acting drug, that causes memory problems, inability to move, and amnesia. Other problems with Ketamine include:
- Distorted perceptions of sound and sight
- Inability to remember time and identity
- Out-of-body experiences and dream-like feelings
- Numbness
- Feeling out of control
- Problems with movement
- Impaired breathing
- Convulsions
- Vomiting
- Aggressive/violent outbursts
- High blood pressure
- Slurred speech
What About Alcohol?
Any drug that causes impaired judgment or different behaviors can put a person at risk for unwanted and/or risky sexual activity. Alcohol is known for such behaviors. Alcohol is also the most common drug used to aid in a sexual assault/rape. Why?
- It’s hard to think clearly while drunk
- It’s harder to set limits and make good choices while drunk
- It can be hard to tell if a situation is dangerous or bad
- It’s harder to say no to unwanted sexual advances
- It’s harder to fight back during a rape
- Blackouts and memory loss are common
Okay, How Do I Make Sure I’m Not A Victim To Date Rape Drugs?
There are some things to do to combat the usage of date rape drugs around you. Most of these are common sense ideas to avoid date rape drugs:
- Don’t take drinks from other people.
- If someone gives you a drink, don’t drink it.
- Open all containers yourself.
- Keep your drink with you all the time – even in the bathroom.
- Don’t drink anything from a punch bowl or other open containers as they may have been drugged.
- Don’t share your drink with anyone else or take a drink from someone else’s cup.
- Go with anyone who offers to get you a drink from the bar – watch as the drink is poured and carry it yourself.
- Don’t drink anything that tastes or smells weird – GHB may have a salty taste.
- Bring a designated driver, even if you’re walking – a sober buddy can help you make good decisions.
- Pour out any drinks you’ve left unattended.
- If you feel drunk and haven’t had much (or anything) to drink, call 911 immediately – some of these drugs can kill you.
How Do I Know If I Was Drugged and Sexually Assaulted?
Sometimes, it’s really hard to tell if you’ve been drugged with “date rape” drugs and raped – most people don’t remember being drugged or assaulted.
A victim may not remember the attack at all, or it may be 8-12 hours after the rape before he or she remembers it. The drugs used to facilitate sexual violence are fast acting and metabolize quickly. Unless the victim seeks help very quickly after the rape, he or she may not be able to prove that drugs were involved.
Signs that you may have been drugged and sexually assaulted include the following:
- Feeling drunk after only one drink or like the drinks are way stronger than normal.
- You wake up feeling super-hungover and confused – a whole chunk of time was lost.
- You can’t remember anything after your drink.
- Your clothes are torn, ripped or on your body the wrong way.
- You feel like you’ve had sex but have no memory of it.
What Do You Do If You’ve Been Drugged And Raped?
Call 911 and get medical care immediately. Alternately, find someone you trust to take you to the ER.
Don’t brush your teeth, urinate, wash your hands, eat, drink, change clothes, bathe, shower, douche before you go – this can remove valuable evidence of a rape.
Call the police from the ER – tell them all that you remember. Don’t be afraid to tell the story – nothing you have done means that you deserve to be raped.
Ask the hospital to test your urine for the date rape drugs – many of those metabolize quickly, so the sooner you can give a urine specimen, the better.
Don’t clean up the area where the sexual assault occurred – there could be evidence on a glass or on the sheets.
Be sure to follow up with a rape crisis counselor or a therapist who specializes in rape/sexual assault. You can call National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 to find a trauma counselor near you.
What Are The Feelings That I Might Feel After Rape By An Acquaintance?
After being raped by someone that you know, there are many feelings that you may feel. These feelings may be strange and new, but no matter how you feel, it’s normal. If you find yourself unable to cope after the rape, please seek professional help from a trained rape counselor.
Feelings post-rape may be any or all of the following:
- Problems sleeping
- Problems eating
- Wildly swinging moods
- Blaming yourself
- Feeling humiliated and ashamed
- Nightmares
- Anxiety and panic attacks
- Fear of leaving the house
- Fear of another rape
- Anger
- Feeling helpless
- Using alcohol or drugs to “feel better”
- Self-injury
- Thoughts of suicide
- Feeling depressed
How Do I Cope With Acquaintance Rape?
There are a lot of different factors that make coping with a sexual assault by someone that you know challenging. Common reactions to date rape may include:
- Fear of retaliation for reporting the attack
- Fears of being harassed and/or assaulted again
- Fears of being harassed by family and friends of the attacker
- Fear that another attack will occur.
Common myths can also hinder recovery from sexual assault. Common rape myths may include the following:
- The attack was caused by the victim dressing provocatively, “he/she asked for it.”
- The attack was caused by the victim being intoxicated.
- The attack was caused because the victim had already been intimate with the attacker on previous occasions.
Blame for the attack may also hinder recovery from a date/acquaintance rape. Types of blame include the following:
- Victim believes that he/she caused the attack by being drunk and/or intoxicated.
- Victim believes he/she didn’t say no loudly enough.
- Victim feels he/she lead the attacker on.
- Family and friends blame the victim for the attack.
Continued Trauma With Acquaintance Rape:
Unlike a rape attack from a stranger, someone who is raped by someone he or she knows has an added layer to their healing: they may be forced to confront their attacker in a social setting, even if the rape goes unreported. Fears of these encounters can cause increased shame and humiliation for someone who is the victim of acquaintance rape.
How To Heal After Acquaintance Rape:
Healing after such a confusing type of rape can be extremely difficult. We here at Band Back Together have compiled a resource for those of you who have been raped or know someone who has been raped.
Date Rape Hotlines:
IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER CALL 911
If you have been sexually assaulted/raped and are in need of immediate assistance, call 1-800-656-HOPE.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Additional Resources For Date/Acquaintance Rape:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) – the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org, and publicizes the hotline’s free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual assault; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual assault, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
Office on Women’s Health – US governmental website that has a list of common date rape drugs and their effects.
Joyful Heart Foundation: Created by Law and Order’s Mariska Hargitay for survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence, and child abuse. Their mission is to educate, empower and shed light into these terrible crimes and help the survivors heal.
Hope for Healing: A website dedicated to helping male victims of rape/sexual assault.
End the Backlog: A charity organization seeking justice for survivors by working in partnership with government, non-profits, advocates, and survivors to bring attention, funding and new legislation to reduce the backlog of untested rape kits across the country.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center: the nation’s principle information and resource center regarding all aspects of sexual violence.
It Happened to Alexa Foundation: provide funds for families to travel and be with a rape victim for the duration of the trial.
Page last audited 7/2019
by Band Back Together | Jul 16, 2018
What Is Bullying?
Bullying is defined as “unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power. This behavior is repeated – or can be repeated – over time.”
Bullying is a relentless form of abuse. Contrary to what we learned growing up, bullying is not a rite of passage, bullying is not something that kids “grow out of.” Bullying can cause very serious harm that may last a lifetime.
Bullying includes repeated, intentional acts over time designed to enforce power over another and can occur at any age and in any situation.
Bullying intends to intimidate, hurt or scare another individual or group (the target) either by means of verbal abuse, coercion, physical abuse, or emotional abuse. Bullying can occur anywhere: school, family, church, work, and the neighborhood. Bullying on an international level can exist between countries, social groups, or social classes.
What Does Bullying Involve?
There are a number of factors that go into bullying and the reason that bullying can be so damaging to so many people. Here is what bullying involves:
1) An Imbalance of Power: bullies use their power to control or harm their target. The targets may have a hard time defending themselves.
2) Repetition of Bullying Acts: The act of bullying – or the threat of the act- is repeated to the bullying target.
3) Intent to Cause Harm: We’ve all screwed up and behaved in a way that may not be the kindest to another person. Bullying, however, is no accident. A bully intends to cause harm to his or her victim.
The Kids Involved in the Bullying:
The roles kids play in bullying are not limited to those who bully others and those who are bullied. Some researchers talk about the “circle of bullying” to define both those directly involved in bullying and those who actively or passively assist the behavior or defend against it. Direct roles include:
- Kids who Bully: These children engage in bullying behavior towards their peers. There are many risk factors that may contribute to the child’s involvement in the behavior. Often, these students require support to change their behavior and address any other challenges that may be influencing their behavior.
- Kids who are Bullied: These children are the targets of bullying behavior. Some factors put children at more risk of being bullied, but not all children with these characteristics will be bullied. Sometimes, these children may need help learning how to respond to bullying.
Even if a child is not directly involved in bullying, they may be contributing to the behavior. Witnessing the behavior may also affect the child, so it is important for them to learn what they should do when they see bullying happen. Roles kids play when they witness bullying include:
- Kids who Assist: These children may not start the bullying or lead in the bullying behavior, but serve as an “assistant” to children who are bullying. These children may encourage the bullying behavior and occasionally join in.
- Kids who Reinforce: These children are not directly involved in the bullying behavior but they give the bullying an audience. They will often laugh or provide support for the children who are engaging in bullying. This may encourage the bullying to continue.
- Outsiders: These children remain separate from the bullying situation. They neither reinforce the bullying behavior nor defend the child being bullied. Some may watch what is going on but do not provide feedback about the situation to show they are on anyone’s side. Even so, providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior.
- These kids often want to help, but don’t know how.
- Kids who Defend: These children actively comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child’s defense when bullying occurs.
Most kids play more than one role in bullying over time. In some cases, they may be directly involved in bullying as the one bullying others or being bullied and in others they may witness bullying and play an assisting or defending role. Every situation is different. Some kids are both bullied and bully others. It is important to note the multiple roles kids play, because:
Characteristics of A Bully:
It’s hard to know exactly what makes one person bully and another person not bully; however, there are some characteristics of people that bully.
Those who bully thrive upon controlling and domineering other people. Not all bullies will exhibit every behavior listed, but these are general characteristics of those who bully:
- Lack of empathy and are unable to understand why others may be hurt.
- Are impulsive and hot-headed
- Have a dominant personality
- Quick to anger
- Dislike rules and infrequently follow them
- View violence positively
- Lack of warmth from parents
- Overly-permissive or overly-harsh parenting
- Lack of supervision by parents
- Parents provide model for bullying at home
- Home environment involves harsh, physical discipline
- Bullying can be a sign of serious antisocial behavior
- Takes pleasure in the discomfort of others
- Poor emotion regulation
- Lacks a strong friend or support network
- Was bullied
Characteristics Of A Bullying Bystander:
Bullying often takes place in front of a group of mostly-uninvolved bystanders. Often, the bully is able to create the illusion that he or she has the support of the majority of the people surrounding them. This instills a fear of speaking out against the bullies and the bullying activity. Unless the bully mentality is challenged in the earliest stages, it often becomes the “norm.”
When the bully mentality dominates this group environment, a consistent stream of abuses and injustices may become a regular feature of the group. This toxic environment may remain the norm until the bullying cycle ends.
Bullying Bystanders are often unable to see the cost that their silence in regards to the bullying behaviors has both to the individual who is the target of a bully and to the group as a whole.
A particular inability to fully empathize with the victim of a bully is present in a typical bullying bystander.
The unwillingness to intervene on behalf of the bullied victim and take the risk of becoming the next victim of the bully is what perpetuates the bullying mentality.
Bullying bystanders who do not have their own group of friends are far more likely to speak out against the bullying behaviors than are those who have a solid circle of friends.
How Do Bullies Bully?
There are a number of ways in which a bully can hurt his or her victim or victims. The ways that bullies can hurt their victims can be overt – easily recognizable – or covert – veiled under a shroud. The following are some of the methods bullies employ to gain power over his or her victim or victims:
Physical Bullying: Physical bullying includes physical contact that is intended to hurt or injure the victim or target of a bully. Physical bullying may take the form of hitting, punching, biting, or kicking. Physical bullying also includes stealing and destroying belongings of the victim of the bully. While this may physically hurt the victim of the bully(ies), physical bullying is more easily identifiable and quantifiable. Other manners in which bullies hurt their targets are less overt.
Verbal Bullying: Verbal bullying is a type of bullying that causes emotional pain, rather than (or in addition to) physical pain. There are many ways in which a bully can verbally bully his or her victim. Verbal bullying includes name-calling, making offensive remarks, intimidating their victim, making offensive jokes, threats, or otherwise berating the victim. Verbal type of bullying is harder to quantify because personal perception is key to verbal bullying. Verbal bullying – unlike physical bullying – does not leave a traceable “mark” upon the victim.
Exclusion/Social Alienation: Being excluded or left out purposefully of games and other activities is another type of bullying. Exclusion bullying includes ways to socially isolate another person. This can be accomplished by spreading rumors, talking badly about the bullying target, or convincing others to not interact with the bullying target. Bullying through exclusion or social alienation is the hardest to understand and react to because it is much more covert than other forms of bullying.
Reactive Bullying: reactive bullying is bullying in which a single bully coaxes others into joining him or her to target a specific victim. It may be unclear who the bully actually is.
Cyberbullying: Cyberbullies use electronic media such as email, instant messaging, social networking sites, blogs, and other types of internet activity to bully and harass a specific target.
What Are The Types of Bullying?
There are many ways in which bullying may occur. It’s extremely important to know the different types of bullying that may occur so that you can be on the lookout for bullying behavior.
Childhood Bullying: Once deemed a “rite of passage,” it has been determined that childhood bullying can have detrimental effects on those who experience it. Close to half of all children report being the victim – or target – of bullies during their school years.
Relational Aggression: is the use of exclusionary and/or hurtful behaviors to undermine another person’s self-esteem or status, causing harm to relationships. Relational aggression is a more subtle form of bullying. Relational Aggression uses relationships to damage or manipulate the victim’s status or friendships. Aggressors can use rumors, gossip, social exclusion/isolation, betrayal, humiliation, or lies in order to hurt their victims.
Cyberbullying: Verbal or exclusionary bullying, done by a child, preteen, or teen, that takes place on the Internet, with cell phones or other forms of social media.
Teen Rumors, Gossip, Hazing and Cliques: teenagers often employ methods such as spreading rumors or gossiping about other individuals in order to make themselves feel more powerful, while undermining the feelings of another. This can be extremely damaging to teens who are just beginning to learn about the world and their place in it.
Teen Bullying: the teenage years are some of the most difficult to live through – teens are beginning to look at the world around them, find their own way in it. One of the biggest problems for many teens is teen bullies. Teens can be vicious, cruel, malicious, and deliberately cut down those who they do not like. Teen bullying can even lead to the victim choosing to end his or her own life.
Workplace Bullying: bullying in the workplace is also often called “harassment.” Harassment is the legal term associated with workplace bullying. Harassment is not tolerated and most companies or governmental agencies have specific policies to address harassment. Many companies require their employees to complete an anti-harassment training for the workplace to reduce the type of workplace bullying.
Adult Bullying: Bullying is not just something that happens to kids: adults are just as likely to be bullied, and it is very valid to feel bullied if someone is treating you in these ways. Adults can be bullied in the workplace, in the community, and at home, and the effects of adult bullying can be just as devastating to the adult victims of bullies.
Long Term Effects of Bullying:
Bullying is not simply a short-term problem that goes away over time.
Children and adults who have been bullied may suffer MANY lingering effects, long after the bully has disappeared. These long-term effects of bullying may include:
- A greater risk for depression
- Anger – at the bully and at those who did not protect you from the bully.
- Avoidance and anxiety about settings in which bullying takes place.
- More unexplained illnesses.
- Lower grades
- Experience more feelings of loneliness
- Socially isolated from others.
- Increased incidence of being the victim of a bully
- More likely to avoid work or school.
- Difficulty trusting others.
- Lingering feelings of anger, bitterness
- Revenge-seeking fantasies
- Have lower self-esteem
- Suffering more headaches (migraine and non-migraine)
- Having a higher risk of running away
- Prone to substance abuse
- Suicidal thoughts
- Suicide attempts
- Suicide
Bullying and Suicide:
There is no doubt that bullying can have harmful effects on a person – higher rates of mental illness, lower self-esteem, poor self image – those are all lasting effects of bullying.
What’s even more devastating is the link between being bullied and suicide. This link proves that bullying is more than just a “rite of passage” that “kids have to go through,” but is a real problem in our world today.
Among young people, suicide is the third leading cause of death – causing over 4,000 deaths a year. For every one of these successful suicides, a hundred others attempt suicide.
Over 14 percent of high school students have thought about suicide, and half of those have actually attempted suicide.
That’s scary shit!
If you, or anyone you know, is suicidal, don’t hesitate to call the
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Bullying Hotlines:
Boys Town Crisis Line: 1-800-448-3000
National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Kids Help Phone Line 1 800 668-6868 (Canada)
National Hopeline: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Additional Bullying Resources:
Stop Bullying Now – U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ “Stop Bullying Now” Campaign
National Crime Prevention Council on Cyberbullying – Information for parents and teens on cyberbullying.
Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network – Resources for people being bullied because of their sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.
Girls Health – Bullying information for girls or parents of girls.
by Band Back Together | Jul 16, 2018
What Is Fear?
Fear is a reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus (spider, dark alley, public speaking) and finishes with the release of chemicals that cause quickened breathing, rapid heartbeat, and tense muscles.
The communications within the brain may lead us to conscious thought and action; there are other types of communication within the brain that produce autonomic – or automatic – responses.
Fear is an automatic response a person has to immediate physical and emotional danger. Our body undergoes physiological changes, known as the fight or flight response, in order to best prepare for the perceived situation to come.
What is the Flight or Fight Response?
To produce the fight or flight response, something all animals possess, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal-cortical system. The sympathetic nervous system uses the nervous system to activate the pathways while the adrenal-cortical system uses the bloodstream. The two systems in tandem produce the flight or fight response.
Physiological changes include:
- Dilated pupils – to take in as much light as possible
- Increased heart rate and blood pressure
- Veins constrict to allow blood to be sent to the major muscle groups (this leads to the “chill” associated with fear)
- Rapid breathing
- Muscles tense up due to a mixture of glucose and adrenaline, including the tiny muscles in the skin, which are responsible for goosebumps.
- Non-essential systems – such as digestion and the immune system – shut down to allow more energy for emergency functions
- Tunnel vision
- Decreased hearing
- Blood glucose increases
- Brain focuses on the big picture to determine where the threat is coming from, making smaller tasks hard to focus on
These physiological changes allow the body to quickly and powerfully respond to the situation by one of two methods. To fight means to engage in a physical confrontation of the issue, person, or situation. For example, an adrenaline rush to an elderly woman who sees a child trapped under a car could result in her ability to lift the car, where she ordinarily could not.
The flight response is the intense need or desire to flee the situation and escape.
Parts of the Brain Involved in Fear Response:
There are many different parts of the brain involved in the fear response.
- Sensory Cortex – interprets sensory data.
- Thalamus – determines where to send incoming data sent by the eyes, ears, mouth and/or skin.
- Hippocampus – stores and retrieves conscious memories; processes every set of stimuli to establish context.
- Amygdala – stores memories of fear, determine potential threats, and decodes emotions.
How is Fear Created?
Fear is unconsciously created in the brain. There are two paths of the fear response, both occur simultaneously:
1) The Low Road (also known as the “take no chances road,” or “shoot first and question later” road) is quick and dirty.
The stimulus is generally more direct and tangible, like a spider. As soon as you see a spider, the brain sends this data to the thalamus. The thalamus – unsure if it is actually a danger – knows that it might be and forwards the information to the amygdala. The amygdala accepts the impulses and takes action to protect you from the stimuli by telling the hypothalamus to begin the flight or flight response that may save your life.
2) The High Road is a more thoughtful approach that takes a more thoughtful interpretation of the events. Rather than the flight or flight response, the high road considers all possibilities of the fear-inducing stimuli.
When your eyes and ears sense stimuli, they send the information to the thalamus which sends the information to the sensory cortex, where its meaning is ascertained. The sensory cortex establishes that there is more than one interpretation for the data. From the sensory cortex, where the context of the data is established, the information is passed to the hippocampus, which determines if the particular data has been seen before and, if so, what it meant. The hippocampus will also pick up on other data surrounding the situation. If the hippocampus decides that the situation is innocuous, it will send a message to the amygdala that there is no danger, which, in turn, tells the hypothalamus to turn off the flight or fight response.
What’s The Point of Fear?
Without fear, humans wouldn’t survive long. We’d thoughtlessly step off cliffs, wander into oncoming traffic, or thoughtlessly handle poisonous spiders.
The purpose of fear, among humans and animals, is to promote survival. Those who have feared the correct things are those who have survived to pass on their genes. While we, unlike our ancestors, are no longer fighting for our lives, fear still serves the same purpose it always has: to protect us from dangerous situations.
We are also conditioned to fear through evolution as well as experiences. That is why some people fear spiders and others fear airplanes. Perhaps they were exposed to a fear stimulus at an early enough age to have wired the amygdala to be associated with fear.
Examples of Common Fears:
- Spiders
- Death
- Failure
- War
- Terrorism
- Heights
- Violence
- The future
- Nuclear war
- Being alone
- Public speaking
- Pain
- Cancer
- Snakes
- Going to the dentist
- Most of the fears that we face as teenagers are carried into adulthood. Some studies have shown that humans may have a genetic predisposition to harmful things – rats, snakes, spiders – that once posed a real threat to humans as they carried diseases or caused death.
While many fears may be considered universal, there are also fears which are particular to certain cultures, climates, and areas of the country. What we fear is deeply rooted in our life experiences. Someone in the Midwest may be more afraid of tornadoes than someone where tornadoes are not a common part of life. Someone in California may be more fearful of earthquakes than someone who doesn’t live with that as a real threat.
Experiencing fear every now and then is a normal part of life. But living with chronic fear can be both physically and emotionally debilitating. Living with an impaired immune response and high blood pressure causes illness, and refusing to participate in daily activities because you might be confronted with heights or social interaction doesn’t make for a very fulfilling life. So what can we do about our fears?
Fears are a normal part of everyday life. However, living with chronic, debilitating fears can be emotionally as well as physically debilitating.
What Are Phobias?
Long-Term Response To Fear:
While the body is capable of amazing feats when placed in a fear situation, long-term stress or fear signals of heightened awareness can depress the immune system and slow down body processes such as digestion and libido. This is most commonly in situations of abuse, trauma, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Overcoming Fears:
While a certain amount of fear is normal, excessive fears and phobias are not. Here are some practical tips to overcoming fears:
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- Learn about your fear. Uncertainty is a gigantic part of fear and deeply understanding what you’re afraid of may help overcome that fear
- Remember, it doesn’t matter WHY you’re afraid. Knowing why you are afraid of one thing and not another doesn’t help overcome that fear. In fact, it may delay progress in areas that help to overcome it. Stop trying to understand it.
- Find someone who is not afraid and spend time with that person. Take that person with you as you work to overcome that fear.
- Train – start overcoming your fear in small, bite-sized steps. Slowly reintroducing yourself to your fear may help to erase it.
- Play mind-games with yourself. If you’re afraid of snakes, take a trip to the zoo and try to imagine all of the snakes wearing clown-costumes. That puts you, the fearful one, in a position of judgment.
- Stop looking at the bigger picture and focus only upon each step as you work through it. If you’re trying to overcome a fear of heights, work on being okay in the lobby of a tall building rather than on the fifty-first floor.
- Seek professional help. Fears aren’t simple emotions and overcoming them may be hard to do alone. There is no shame in having a professional guide you through the myriad of therapeutic approaches to manage and control fears.
- Talk about your fears – sharing your fears out loud with someone else may make that fear stimuli less daunting.
Additional Fear Resources:
The Anxiety and Phobia Treatment Center – The first hospital-affiliated facility of its kind, sponsored by White Plains Hospital Center in NY. Provides workshops, support groups, and info on CBT therapy.
Anxiety Care UK – The organization does not provide services to minors but does offer support for parents and guardians. Online chat available Mondays.
Anxiety Disorders Association of America – Offers great information and resources for local support groups. There is a “find a therapist” tool and personal stories that will offer support and a sense of community.
AnxietyTribe.com – A resource for support groups, forums and chat rooms for anxiety sufferers.
Meditation and Anxiety – Natural and spiritual ways to calm yourself while in an anxious state. Some people find a few minutes of meditation when in a situation that causes anxiety significantly reduces the length of their anxious episode.
Page last audited 7/2019
by Band Back Together | Jul 16, 2018 | Adult Bullying, Bullying, Childhood Bullying, Coping With Bullying, How To Heal From Being Bullied, Teen Bullying |
Dear Gay/Bi/Curious Teenage Prankster Who Is Being Bullied By Bullshit Bullies,
Chances are, you don’t know me from a hole in the ground. In fact, a hole in the ground may look more familiar than I do, but I am Your Aunt Becky, and while we may not actually be related by blood, I have adopted you along with the rest of the Internet. It’s okay. Don’t worry. When I show up to your house for some family gathering and get rowdy and drunk and sing God Save The Queen, I’ll distract your parents so you can sneak some rum into your eggnog, okay?
Anyway, I hate to bother you with a boring letter since you kids like your text messages but what I have to say is important and I hope that you listen to it. Or parts of it. Tune out what doesn’t matter to you, but please, listen to at least a little bit of it. I may not be particularly smart, but I have lived about twenty different lives, so I’ve picked up some insight along the way.
Your teenage years are not the best years of your life.
What seems like a permanent and dire situation now, the things that make you hurt and ache inside, those things will stay with you, but the hurts and the aches, those subside over time. These are the things that will fortify you. They will strengthen you and they will make you a better person. Eventually.
I know that it seems like there is no other way out, believe me, I’ve felt that way before too. I’m willing to bet that most of the people who are reading this column right now have felt this way at some point as well. Maybe it’s not the same. Maybe we cannot understand precisely how you feel because we are not you. But even when things seem so bleak and so empty, even when all that you feel is a deep chasm of pain, it will pass. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it will pass.
Things will get better.
Physically, my heart hurts when I see statistics like sexual minority youth are bullied two to three times more than heterosexual youths. In our lifetime, (yes, I am using the royal “our” because I am rightly assuming that you will be around to make fun of my obsession with bacon for a good long while) I would be willing to bet that this number will drop as bullying is taken more seriously by schools and parents alike. Certainly, that does not help you right at this very moment, as you are hurting from the devastating effects of verbal, emotional and even perhaps physical abuse, I know that. Let every unkind word, every insult, every horrible slur thrown at you strengthen your resolve to help the next generation.
You know that you must be part of the change the next generation of children who will grow up to be in your shoes some day. You can and you will.
These are not the best years of your life.
The best years of your life are yet to come. The years ahead of you will be long and they will be beautiful and they will be brimming with love. The suffering that you have withstood at the hands of cruel bullies and those who do not understand you will leave the sorts of scars that may never be visible to anyone but those who know you best. Those silent scars will only serve to help you as you can turn all of your pain and channel it into something greater, something positive. There is a whole world out there beyond your high school, beyond your small-minded town who will welcome you with wide arms, who will love you as you are, and who will accept you simply for being you.
It’s hard to remember all of this, I know, because even now, at age thirty, my high school years winking merrily in my rear view mirror, I struggle to remind myself that it’s not the end of things when I have a bad day. I have to take a breath and remind myself that it’s not going to break me when I’m bullied by someone. The days when I get harassed simply for being me aren’t bad days at all; because they make me stronger. Sometimes, I have to take a step back from the situation, let all of that hatred flung in my face wash over me and and allow it to strengthen my resolve to do more good.
These horrible bleak days are going to make the rest of your life that much better.
I want you to know that somewhere, Your anonymous Aunt Becky is rooting for you, kid, and she loves you dearly. You’ll learn that the world is a good place. High school may not always be, but the world is. I’m sorry that things have to be so hard for you and trust me, if I could take on those bullies, I would do it in a second (don’t doubt me on this). I have a loyal Prankster Army who’d back me up. Bullies are bullshit. No, let me rephrase that: bullies are FUCKING bullshit, and you don’t deserve the suffering they’re causing you.
There’s a big world out here, kid, and we can’t wait to meet you. Please remember that high school is temporary and the rest of your life, well, it’s wide open. We can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with it.
Please, do not give up hope. There is always hope.
If you’d like to talk to someone from the Trevor Project, here is the Phone Number: 866-4-U-TREVOR
And, loves, you know where to find me.
Much Love,
Your Aunt Becky
by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018
What is Anger?
Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people, however, the degree to which, the triggers for it, and the reactions to it are varied throughout people. Generally, anger triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with problems that keep us from attaining our goals.
The experience of anger varies widely; how often anger occurs, how intensely it is felt, and how long it lasts are different for each person. People also vary in how easily they get angry (their anger threshold), as well as how comfortable they are with feeling angry. Some people are always getting angry while others seldom feel angry. Some people are very aware of their anger, while others fail to recognize anger when it occurs. Some experts suggest that the average adult gets angry about once a day and annoyed or peeved about three times a day. Other anger management experts suggest that getting angry fifteen times a day is more likely a realistic average. Regardless of how often we actually experience anger, it is a common and unavoidable emotion.
Anger can be constructive or destructive. When well managed, anger or annoyance has very few detrimental health or interpersonal consequences. At its roots, anger is a signal to you that something in your environment isn’t right. It captures your attention and motivates you to take action to correct that wrong thing. How you end up handling the anger signal has very important consequences for your overall health and welfare, however. When you express anger, your actions trigger others to become defensive and angry too. Blood pressure rises and stress hormones flow. Violence can ensue. You may develop a reputation as a dangerous ‘loose cannon’ whom no one wants to be around.
Out of control anger alienates friends, co-workers and family members. It also has a clear relationship with health problems and early mortality. Hostile, aggressive anger not only increases your risk for a premature death but also your risk for social isolation, which itself is a major risk factor for serious illness and death. These are but two of many reasons why learning to properly manage anger is a good idea.
While anger is a normal, usually healthy emotion everyone experiences from time to time, when anger becomes uncontrollable, it often causes problems at home and at work.
What Causes Anger?
Anger may happen instinctively in humans and other animals to protect territory, offspring and family members, secure mating privileges, prevent loss of possessions or food, and other perceived threats. Often anger is caused by “perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values.” The values may be related to pride, love, money, justice, and so on.
Factors that commonly make people angry are:
- Grief after a major loss (death of a loved one, loss of a job, homelessness)
- Feelings of sexual frustration
- Disappointment or failure
- Rudeness and injustice
- Exhaustion
- Hunger
- Pain
- Use of or withdrawal from alcohol, drugs, medications, or other addictive substances
- Physical conditions, such as pre-menstrual syndrome
- Physical or mental illness
- Being teased, bullied, or humiliated
- Embarrassment and shame
- Stress, for example, over deadlines or financial problems
- Traffic jams
- Sloppy service
- Infidelity
- Burglary
- Being told you have a serious illness.
What Are The Ways We React To Anger?
There are a multitude of reasons that we become angry, and these vary from person to person.
Expressing Anger:
As anger is an adaptive response to threats that allows us to defend ourselves when we’re attacked, anger is necessary for survival, but we must place limits on how far we allow anger to take us.
1) Expressing anger in an assertive way by making your needs known and expressing how to get them met is the healthiest way of handling anger.
2) Suppressing anger happens when you hold the anger inside and focus on something else, converting your feelings into more productive behavior. Suppressing anger can be helpful, but if the anger remains unexpressed, it turns inward.
3) Unexpressed Anger can lead to a cynical disposition marked by passive-aggressive behavior. Those who criticize others or put them down haven’t learned how to properly express anger.
Signs You May Have Uncontrollable Anger:
- Are you angry a lot of the time?
- Are you angry without an identifiable cause?
- Has anyone ever said they are afraid of you?
- Have you found yourself in difficult situations (personally or professionally) because you acted in anger without considering the consequences of your words or actions?
- Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?
- Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
- Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?
- Has a loved one ever accused you of being angry and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?
- Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
- Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall?
- Have you ever been “blind” with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?
What Are The Health Repercussions of Anger?
Anger takes a lot out of a person. When you’re angry, your body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. Slowly, your heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and breathing rate increase.
Regular anger can eventually make people ill because recurrent, unmanaged anger can result in a constant flood of stress chemicals which is hard on your body and can lead to metabolic changes that eventually undermine your health.
The following physical health problems may occur:
- Backache
- Headaches
- Hypertension, or high blood pressure
- Insomnia
- Irritable bowel syndrome, or other digestive disorders
- Skin disorders
- Stroke
- Heart attack
- Lower pain threshold
- Weakened immune system, resulting in more infections, colds, and influenza.
Emotional and mental consequences of frequent, uncontrolled anger include:
- Depression and moodiness
- Eating disorders
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Self-injury
- Low self-esteem.
Ways To Keep Your Anger Managed:
Anger management involves skills of recognizing the signs of anger and taking action to deal with the situation in a positive way. It does not mean holding the anger in or avoiding angry feelings. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when expressed appropriately.
Anger management teaches people how to recognize frustrations at an early stage, and to settle them in a way that allows the person to express their needs, while remaining calm and in control.
Coping with anger is an acquired skill.
Anger management helps a person to identify what triggers their emotions, and how to respond for a positive outcome.
A person whose anger is having negative consequences on a relationship, or is leading to violent or dangerous behavior may be advised to see a mental health counselor or to take an anger management class.
Some ways to manage your anger include:
Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and meditation can help control anger.
Take a break. Sometimes, our environment may irritate us to the point of anger. Make sure you have some personal time scheduled each day.
Solve problems with a plan. Since not all anger is misplaced, sometimes anger is a natural response to a very difficult situation without a “right” answer. Rather than focus on the solution, figure out how to manage the problem by making – and sticking to – a plan. Give it your best, but don’t become angry at yourself if you can’t find an answer immediately.
Change the way you think:
- Use cold logic on yourself as logic is rational and anger is irrational.
- Avoid using “always” and “never” when talking to yourself or someone else.
- Remind yourself that anger makes you feel worse, not better.
- Replace inner negative thoughts with more positive ones.
Use humor to diffuse rage and provide a more balanced perspective. Imagine the asshole that cut you off on the highway is actually a giant asshole. This should take some of the edge off the anger.
Recording the feelings during an episode, and what happened before, during, and after may help a person to anticipate anger triggers, and to cope when episodes occur.
Understanding what happened, what worked and what did not work can help to achieve a more effective anger management plan.
Don’t Repress: It is important not to repress the anger, but to express it when the person has calmed down, in an assertive, non-aggressive way.
Regular exercise can regulate levels of adrenaline and cortisol levels, as well as increasing levels of endorphins, the natural feel-good hormones. You will also sleep better; a crucial factor for good mental health.
Plan Ahead: If you’re is bothered by something, planning what to say beforehand can help prevent the conversation from getting sidetracked.
Focusing on the solution, not just the problem is more likely to resolve the issue.
Letting go of resentment helps, because bearing grudges fuels the anger and makes it harder to control. Other people are the way they are, and accepting this can help.
Timing is important. If evening discussions tend to turn into rows, possibly due to tiredness, change the times when you talk about important matters.
Anger can increase breathing and heart rates and tense up the muscles, but this can be reversed by deliberately slowing the breathing and systematically relaxing and loosening the muscles.
Getting at least 7 hours of good quality sleep every night contributes to good mental and physical health. Sleep deprivation has been linked to a number of health problems, including anger.
Use better communication by slowing down and thinking through your responses before spurting them out. Being defensive when criticized is normal, but listen to what the other person is saying before jumping to conclusions and acting out in anger.
Therapeutic counseling and classes are often recommended for people whose anger causes them to do things they regret, cause harm to the people around them, or whose behaviors are taking a toll on their personal and professional lives.
Know when to walk away: If you are confronted by a person who is irrationally angry, the best course of action is to walk away. It’s important to take reasonable precautions to protect yourself if leaving is difficult or impossible.
Therapy For Anger:
Anger management therapy may be in group sessions, or one-on-one with a counselor or psychotherapist.
If the person is diagnosed with a mental health condition, such as depression, anger management should take this into account.
In anger management training, a person learns to:
- Identify what makes them angry
- Respond in a non-aggressive way to anger triggers, before getting angry
- Handle the triggers
- Identify moments when thought processes are not leading to logical and rational conclusions, and to correct their thinking
- Return to a state of calm and peace when anger surges
- Express feelings and needs assertively in situations that normally lead to anger and frustration, without becoming aggressive
- Redirect energy and resources into problem-solving rather than anger.
First, the person needs to learn to fully recognize their anger. The following questions may help:
- How do I know when I am angry?
- What type of people, situations, events, places, triggers make me angry?
- How do I respond when I am angry? What do I do?
- What impact does my angry reaction have on other people?
It can help to understand that anger and calmness are not clear-cut emotions. Anger can range from mild irritation to full rage. Knowing this can help people to understand when they are really angry and when they are just irritated.
Emotional symptoms that may develop as a person moves from irritation to rage include:
- A desire to escape from the situation
- Irritation
- Sadness or depression
- Guilt
- Resentment
- Anxiety
- Desire to lash out verbally
- Desire to lash out physically.
The following signs may also occur:
- Rubbing the face with the hand
- Fidgeting, or clasping one hand with the other
- Pacing around
- Becoming cynical or sarcastic
- Losing the sense of humor
- Becoming rude and abusive
- Crave substances that the person thinks will relax them, such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs
- Speaking louder
- Screaming or crying.
Physical symptoms that can occur include:
If not treated, anger problems can lead to further psychological problems such as anxiety and depression.
- Grinding teeth
- Clenching the jaw
- Upset stomach
- Elevated heart rate
- Sweating
- Rapid, shallow breathing
- Hot flashes in the face or neck
- Trembling hands, lips or jaw
- Dizziness
- Tingling at the back of the neck.
If a person can recognize whether they are irritated, angry or furious, they can use anger management techniques to control the situation.
Additional Anger Resources:
If anger has caused a person to become violent or someone you know is in physical danger, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Evolution of Self: What Your Anger May Be Hiding. An article from Psychology Today written by a psychologist
Taking Charge of Anger: website explaining anger to children.
Post last audited 7/2019