Codependency Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

What Is Codependency?

The term codependency, also known as “relationship addiction,” started as a way to define the relationship of people who lived with alcoholics or substance abusers. This definition has expanded to include any person who is not in a healthy, mutually satisfactory relationship.

There are many definitions of codependency, but the most common definition describes an individual who has learned a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.

Maladaptive refers to a person’s inability to develop behaviors that get his/her needs met. Compulsive describes the individual’s psychological state when acting against his/her own will or conscious desires in order to behave.

Sources of great emotional pain and stress for a family can include, but are not limited to:

• divorce
• hypercritical or non-loving environment
• lack of emotional validation
• military deployment
• chemical dependency
• chronic mental illness
• chronic physical illness
• physical abuse
• sexual abuse
• emotional abuse

People with codependency tend to seek or maintain relationships which are one-sided, and emotionally destructive or abusive.  Codependent individuals usually exhibit low self-esteem and look for ways to “feel better,” outside of themselves, in ways that are not always healthy, such as substance abuse.

What Causes Codependency?

A widely accepted belief is that codependency is caused by familial relationships that hamper the development of healthy relationships. Some rules, spoken or unspoken, within these families may include:

• It’s not okay to talk about problems or feelings.  Feelings should be kept to yourself.
• Open communication is not encouraged; messengers between two people are best (also known as triangulation)
• Be strong/good/right/perfect and make us proud beyond a realistic expectation.
• Don’t be selfish.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• It’s not okay to be playful.
• Don’t rock the boat.
• Act for the “greater good” of the family.

Characteristics of Codependent Individuals:

To understand codependency further, it might help to examine some additional terms that are used to describe codependent behavior. For example, a psychologist might use the word “maladaptive” to describe someone who has developed patterns of thinking and doing that are causing or perpetuating emotional problems, or preventing them from adapting appropriately in different situations. For example, a maladaptive person might avoid certain situations because they bring on feelings of inadequacy or anxiety. People who are codependent can sometimes become maladaptive. Are there any types of social situations that you avoid because they cause you discomfort or anxiety? If so, you may be maladaptive.

Another trait or characteristic that codependent people may develop is compulsive behavior. A compulsive behavior is loosely defined as any persistent or unwanted action that one is unable to stop, such as compulsive or repetitive tidying or other cleaning. Some people become compulsive shoppers or compulsive gamblers. Usually the compulsive behavior stems from a compulsive thought pattern.

There are certain characteristics that a codependent person may exhibit. These fall into groupings of characteristics that include, low self-esteem, denial, compliance, control and avoidance.

Patterns of Low Self-Esteem in Codependents:

• Do not see oneself as “loveable” or “worthwhile.”
• Seek recognition they feels they deserves
• Have trouble admitting mistakes.
• Uses others as gauge of safety.
• Need to appear right in the eyes of other people – even going as far as lying to look good.
• Inability to ask others to meet needs or desires.
• Difficulty starting, meeting deadlines, or finishing projects
• Difficulties setting healthy priorities.
• Trouble with decision-making
• Judging own thoughts and actions harshly, or “not good enough.”
• Embarrassed by gifts, praise or recognition
• Places higher value upon the way others approve of thoughts, feelings, behavior.

Patterns of Denial in Codependents:

• Great difficulty identifying true feelings
• Refusal to recognize unavailability of the people one is attracted to.
• Going so far as to alter – or deny – the way the individual truly feels.
• Lack empathy for feelings and needs of other people.
• Label others with own negative traits and qualities
• Perception of self as unselfish and dedicated toward well-being of other people.
• Belief that he/she can care for self WITHOUT help from others.
• Mask pain with indirect ways, such as anger, humor or isolation.
• Negativity or aggression is expressed indirectly or passively.

Patterns of Controlling Behaviors in Codependents:

• Strong-held belief that most people are unable to care for themselves.
• Lavishes gifts and favors upon those who he or she wants to influence
• Attempts to convince others what to do, think, or feel.
• Offer advice and direction without being asked, and become resentful when others don’t follow the given advice or direction.
• Uses sexual attention for approval and/or acceptance
• Need to be needed to have a relationship with another person.
• Demanding that needs be met by others.
• Uses blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
• Displays charm and charisma to assure others of his or her capacity to be compassionate and caring.
• Refuses to cooperate, negotiate, or compromise with others.
• Adopts attitudes of helplessness, authority, indifference, or rage to manipulate the outcomes of a situation.
• Uses terms of recovery in an attempt to control behaviors of others.
• Pretends to agree with others to get what he or she desires.

Patterns of Compliance in Codependents:

• Is extremely loyal, remains in harmful, unhealthy situations for far too long.
• Compromises values and integrity in hopes of avoiding rejection and/or anger.
• Puts aside own interests to do what others want.
• Hyper-vigilant about the feelings of others – may take on those feelings.
• Fearful to express beliefs, opinions, and feelings IF they differ from others.
• When looking for love, will accept sexual attention instead.
• Makes decisions without regard for consequences.
• Give up own truth to gain approval of others as well as to avoid change.

Patterns of Avoidance in Codependents:

• Act in manner that invites others to shame, reject or express feelings of anger toward the individual.
• Harsh judge of what others think, say or do.
• Avoids emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy to maintain distance.
• Suppresses feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• Pulls people toward him or her, then pushes them away when they get “too close.”
• Withholds expressions of appreciation
• Believes displays of emotions are signs of weakness.
• Allows addictions to people, places, and things to distract him or her from actual intimacy in relationships.
• Uses indirect or evasive patterns of communication to avoid conflicts or confrontations.

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency:

Codependent behaviors are often self-destructive. Codependent individuals react to people who are destroying themselves, with the erroneous belief that they are helping them. However, these codependent individuals are putting themselves in relationships that are toxic and dysfunctional. It is impossible for a codependent person to find inner peace or happiness within themselves because all of their energy is put towards fueling a relationship that is destructive.

Codependents often have very low self-esteem, self-image, and may be depressed or anxious. They will blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in a relationship and feel a lot of guilt. Their appearance may seem rigid and controlled because they are afraid of letting someone see who they really are inside.

Symptoms of codependency can include (but not all must be present for a diagnosis of codependency):

Care-taking – An effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Controlling behaviors – Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. No one wants live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Denial – One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it –  they don’t (or won’t) face their problem. In fact, they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Dependency – Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Dysfunctional communication – Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. If you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Low self-esteem and self-worth: Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people act as though they think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable, or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem.

Poor boundaries – Boundaries are an imaginary line between you and others, and divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s. Boundaries apply to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts, and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble – they have blurry or weak boundaries. Codependents feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Other codependents have rigid boundaries and are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for others to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and rigid ones.

People-pleasing: It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes anxiety. In fact, some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate others.

Obsessions – Codependents have a tendency to spend their time obsessing about other people or relationship, which is caused by dependency and anxieties and fears. Codependents may also become obsessed when they think they’ve made a “mistake.” Sometimes they lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love, all as a way to avoid the pain of the present.

Problems with intimacy – and no, not sex, although sexual dysfunction may result from an intimacy problem. No, this intimacy codependents struggle with being open, honest, and close to another person. Due to shame and weak boundaries some people fear that they’ll be judged, rejected, or left behind. On the other hand, a codependent may lose autonomy and feel smothered by the relationships. Maybe you deny your own need for closeness and feel your partner wants too much; or your partner says that you’re unavailable.

Painful emotions – Codependency, being the giver that it is, causes stress and painful emotions. Feelings of shame and poor self-esteem cause anxiety and fear about making mistakes; being a failure, judged, rejected, abandoned; feeling alone.The other symptoms may involve anger and resentment, depression, despair, and hopelessness. Sometimes the feelings are so strong that you end up feeling numb.

Reactivity – One of the consequences of having poor boundaries is that you react to the thoughts of feelings of everyone else. For example, if someone disagrees with you, you tend to believe it or become defensive. You absorb their thoughts, opinions, and words because there is no boundary. If you’d had a boundary, you’d know that it was an opinion and not a reflection of you. You wouldn’t feel threatened by arguments or disagreements.

Am I Codependent?

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships, consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in co-dependency.

Isn’t Everyone Codependent?

Sometimes, you’ll see some healthy behaviors in other people that may appear to be codependent behaviors, but they’re not. Mothers, for example, may show some controlling and care-taking behaviors that are not necessarily codependent or maladaptive. Many people believe that codependency lives on a spectrum and most fall somewhere on that spectrum

Many people are not taught to be assertive, talk about their feelings, or ask directly for what they need which may be things we associate with codependency. It’s overstating to claim that unassertive people are codependent, in fact many people are unfulfilled in their relationships because of factors other than codependency.

There are some psychology experts who believe that American society itself can cause patterns and behaviors of addiction and codependency, and that codependency doesn’t necessarily develop solely through a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Regardless of where, when and how it happened, if you are concerned that you are codependent, the next step for you is to recognize which of your behaviors might be codependent. In order to recognize and change those behaviors, you may choose to enter counseling. Counseling can help you identify when you respond to situations in a codependent way and get guidance in how to begin taking steps to change those patterns.

How Is Codependency Treated?

Counseling is an effective way to learn to break the codependent cycle.  With counseling, a person can learn the tools needed to change the behaviors of being codependent. A caveat to counseling is the patient may develop a codependent relationship with the counselor.

If you have codependent tendencies, individual or group counseling can help teach you to be assertive, and to become a better listener and communicator. Counseling can help you recognize your codependent behaviors and help you work on developing new, healthier behaviors and coping skills.

Codependency counselors need to present good boundary setting and healthy habits during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has characteristics of codependency, then a codependent pattern is repeated and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show that 50-80 percent of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So, be careful in choosing a counselor for your codependency issues..

A 12-step program is also available through Codependents Anonymous. (If no meetings are close, Adult Children of Alcoholics is also recommended, as ACA deals with the same types of issues).

How Do I Practice Interdependence?

Interdependence is building healthy relationships, forming partnerships and giving someone else power over our feelings and well-being. In order to have a happy and healthy life, interdependence is necessary. We must share our feelings and our thoughts with others in order to be made happy.

It’s a give-take type of relationship. You must give some of yourself and turn over some of your feelings in order to be able to take love and support in. Only giving or only taking is a big sign of codependency.

Interdependence takes practice to learn if you’ve been in a codependent relationship for years but it can be learned.

Additional Codependency Resources:

CoDA (Codependents Anonymous): Links to find a meeting closest to you, as well as buy literature; sign up for email lists and learn of news and events.

CoDA Online: Provides a nice chat feature and forums for those struggling with codependency issues

Overcoming Codependency: Reclaiming Yourself In Relationships – Huffington Post article

Page last audited 7/2018

Emotions Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

Family Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

Divorce Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 10, 2018

If you are in danger because of domestic abuse, please consider contacting the following free, anonymous, and confidential national hotline to assist you in obtaining safety and identifying local resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

In America, 45-50% of first marriages end in divorce and while divorce is a fairly common occurrence, it is almost never easy. Even if the divorce is one that both partners want and is best for all concerned, involves the death of a dream and a major life change. If the end of a marriage or other primary relationship is contested or involves disputes over money or property, it becomes even more difficult. And if the relationship involves children, and especially if there are issues around child custody, the world might just feel like it’s wobbling on its axis.

Divorce creates complex emotions even if you are the one who wanted it. It is a major loss of a number of things which can explain why this process can be so painful. The types of losses and grief experienced before, during, and after the divorce are challenging under the best of circumstances and include:

• Grief over the loss of a partner and the experiences you had with your partner (even if they weren’t great experiences)
• Loss of support from your partner, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
• Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams you two had shared.

Actually feeling those losses and the pain they cause can be scary and overwhelming. Some people fear that these emotions are far too intense to live with and that they will be stuck in the dark space forever. It’s important to remember that grieving – no matter what – must occur in order to begin healing. The pain of grief is what lets you let go of your relationship and move on. No matter how deeply you grieve, it doesn’t last forever.

Most people dealing with a divorce will experience three stages of emotions:

• Stage 1 – Shock, Denial, Anger, Sadness
• Stage 2 – Adjustment
• Stage 3 – Healing and Growth

Relationships with family and friends can be affected during this process, especially if you and your spouse had mutual friends or if there are many opinions surrounding your relationship. While family and friends should not be counted out entirely when considering your support network, you may want to consider additional resources to aid with the emotional impact that divorce can have on your life, such as a support group or individual therapy.  Whether the end of the relationship was approaching over a long period of time or happened suddenly, it is not unusual to experience overwhelming emotions when coping with such a major life change.  Professional help can be beneficial when learning new coping and/or life skills.

Ways To Handle The Grief of Divorce:

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s imperative to identify and acknowledge these feelings, no matter how painful. Trying to suppress these feelings will only make the grieving of the loss worse.

Discuss your feelings – It can be a challenge to talk about your feelings with others, but it is extremely important to find a way to do so as you grieve your loss. Letting out your feelings so that another person can make you feel less alone and begin to heal. If you’re having too much trouble talking it out, go ahead and start a journal where you can write down your feelings.

Keep in mind that the goal is to move on – Talking about your feelings can free you a bit however, it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in the blame game, anger, and resentment will suck your energy and prevent you from moving on.

Look to the future – When you commit to another person, there are many many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a divorce, you have to grieve the loss of those dreams, which is why it’s important to remember that this too, will pass. You may have lost the future you’d dreamed of, but eventually, you’ll be okay again. Those dreams will turn into new hopes and dreams that’ll replace your old dreams.

Understand that prolonged grief can turn into depression: Emotions and grief can paralyze you after a divorce, but the sadness does eventually lift and you start moving on – little by little. If you notice that you can’t move on or begin to feel better, your grief may have become Major Depressive Disorder, which can be treated by a psychologist. Please call your doctor for any help with depression.

Why Reaching Out After Divorce Is So Important:

It may scare you to reach out to others during the divorce, especially if people have taken sides, but it’s important that you not go through this alone. You may feel alone, but support from other people can ease your pain. Don’t try to do this on your own and don’t try to suppress your feelings to make others “feel better” about your divorce.

It’s NOT your job to make others feel better about the divorce – it’s really easy to put on your Game Face and try to show the world how evolved you are, especially since it puts others at ease. This is not only not your job, but it can impede your ability to try and reach out to other people.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members – Almost everyone has been through a painful breakup which can make it easier to talk to them. They’ll understand what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, which can validate your feelings. You can look to these people in order to find assurances that life goes on as well as what moving on can be. This is a great opportunity to regain some of the control in your life.

Spend your time wisely – In just about every circle of family and friends, there are a few outliers: people who don’t “get it” or have chosen to take your partner’s side in the divorce. Steer clear of them. Choose wisely. The last thing you need is someone telling you that what you did was “wrong.” Choose people who support, love, and care for you as you need the lightness and positivity in your life.

Don’t feel bad about seeing someone professionally – If you can’t reach out to your friends and loved ones, or you feel as though you have none, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a counselor trained in divorce or joining a support group. You need to be where you feel free to open up. If reaching out to others.

Make new friendships – If you don’t feel as though you have friends that you can turn to, find some other people who do understand you. Write a post for The Band, Volunteer with us, hang out with people from your support group, work, or on social media.

The Divorce Process:

In most cases, it’s harder to obtain a divorce than it was the marry in the first place, as legal unions have far-reaching impacts on things like government taxes, power of attorney, and health care decisions and coverage.  The longer the union lasted, the more complicated the paperwork and negotiations may be in order to obtain “dissolution.”  Most states have a waiting period of at least 6 months before divorces are finalized, as well.

Couples involved in separation and divorce will likely need to make decisions regarding:

• Finances
• Division of belongings and/or property
• Legal representation
• Living arrangements
• Custody arrangements if you have children
• Communication with your spouse
• Paperwork – how it will be filed, who will begin the process, and changes to legal documents once the divorce is finalized

These decisions can be made independently or with professional help.

Divorces Without Legal Representation

If you and your spouse do not share property or have children, you may qualify for an annulment depending upon your state’s law and the length of the union.  The annulment process is sometimes simpler than a divorce and may cost less, so it is worth investigating your state’s laws.

Whether you choose annulment or dissolution, if the divorce is uncontested by your spouse there are many agencies that will prepare the necessary forms and paperwork for a fee based on the information you provide.  It is important to find out whether the agency has the forms necessary for your particular state’s laws. You may also want to ask how the agency will handle the situation if the court rejects any paperwork.  Not all agencies are created equally.

Mediators: Mediation can be very useful in helping two individuals compromise on decisions regarding the divorce details, parenting plans, and/or custody agreements.  Mediators do not provide advice or act as lawyers – they are neutral parties that facilitate communication between spouses.  Many individuals may feel more comfortable with a mediator because unlike a lawyer, a mediator does not control paperwork or get involved in court proceedings.

Divorces Requiring Legal Representation: Your divorce may require a lawyer if you and your spouse do not agree on the division of property, financial arrangements, child custody, or if there are communication difficulties.  Some workplaces provide pre-paid legal services while others have Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that will offer a free consultation with a lawyer (contact your Human Resources department for information).  If you have financial constraints, it is a good idea to find out ahead of time how the lawyer charges for services (i.e. is there a retainer fee and, if so, how much?  will the lawyer work pro bono or for a reduced fee?  can the lawyer provide an estimate of overall expense?  does the lawyer charge by the hour or by the amount of paperwork, and is there an estimate based on previous experience?) and what his/her caseload is like.  Legal fees can quickly add up and contribute to the stress of obtaining a divorce.

Local Divorce Assistance and Information: Your local courthouse may provide a hotline or workshop to aid in finding professional assistance or filling out and filing paperwork.  These resources are usually free and can be found on the state, county, or city court’s website under the Family Law section.

Self-Care During and After the Divorce:

It’s imperative that you remember the mantra of the airplane stewards: “Put on your own mask first before you help others.” You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself first. Here are some ideas for self-care before, during, and after a divorce:

Nurture thyself – Make sure to schedule time each day for things you find soothing – go for a walk, listen to music, get a massage, talk to friends, engage in hobbies (always room to develop one)

You have needs – Your needs matter to you and to others. Don’t hesitate to express your needs, no matter how different it may be from what other people want from you. Saying “NO” is okay and shouldn’t make you feel guilty or upset for doing so. Your needs matter.

New Routine – to say “divorce changes everything,” is an understatement. It can lead you to feelings of stress, chaos, and uncertainty. It may seem a little weird to start a new routine, but it does help with your feelings and increase your feelings of normalcy. If you know what your routine is, you always know what comes next.

Take time out – Your brain may not be quite normal after a divorce, so don’t make any major life decisions for at least a few months following a divorce. You need to be less emotional and have more stability before you decide to move across the country, buying a house, or getting married again.

Don’t develop an addiction – During a divorce, you may want to do ANYTHING to make the hurt, pain, and loneliness go away. We get that. Unfortunately, using drugs, alcohol, or food to escape is not only unhealthy, but it also prohibits growth and grief and is a destructive thing to invite into your mind. You’ve got to confront those feelings, not hide from them.

New Hobbies –  A divorce is an ending and a beginning. You have a unique chance to start over and be the person you always wanted to be. Start trying new things, things that make you feel good about yourself. Your past is over and moving on means (in part) that you must learn to live in the moment. You’re here now, and while it sucks, you can live in the present.

Using Your Divorce to Learn From Your Mistakes:

One of the most important things you can do after a divorce or breakup is to learn from your mistakes, rather than dwelling on them for the rest of your life. No divorce is one-sided; each partner plays a role. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes before you move on.

Ask yourself (and answer and evaluate yourself honestly):

1. In the big picture, how did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
2. Do you repeat the same mistakes?
3. Do you consistently choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?\Could you act in a more constructive way to your stress, conflicts, and insecurities?
4. Do you accept people as they are or as you want them to be?
5. Are you in control of your feelings or are they controlling you?

Who Gets The Pets In A Divorce?

You might think of your dog as your fur child, but the law does not agree. “In the eyes of the law, they are really no different than the silverware, the cars, the home,” says Joyce Tischler, director of litigation for the Animal Legal Defense Fund.

But in more and more American homes, splitting the pets could get pretty contentious as more couples have fewer children than a generation or two ago and view their pets as their kids or companions, owners pay $2,000 for an orthopedist to reconstruct a dog’s knee; designers such as Isaac Mizrahi create pink trench coats and white tulle bridal dresses for the fashion-conscious canine whose owner shops at Target, and high-end pet stores sell rhinestone-studded dog collars, peanut butter biscotti instead of run-of-the-mill dog treats, and strollers for the walking-averse pampered pooch.

“When you put all of that together, it’s no wonder that we’re beginning to see an increasing number of custody battles involving companion animals,” Tischler says.

Divorcing couples who fight over their pets may not be dealing with an underlying issue. An ex who takes his or her former spouse to court repeatedly over visiting Fluffy or paying veterinary bills probably is not as concerned about the dog as he or she is about controlling an ex-wife or ex-husband.

“Sometimes, in a divorce case, the pet may become a symbol of power and control and may be seen as the one entity that still loves me unconditionally,” says Nancy Peterson, an issues specialist with the Humane Society of the United States.

The legal battles involving pets can be a large emotional investment with an uncertain outcome that can run into the tens of thousands of dollars. Divorce also takes a toll on the pet. A once-energetic dog may become depressed, Peterson says. He may sleep more, eat less and lose interest in activities such as walking and playing with his owner. He may begin having accidents in the house or grooming himself excessively.

Stillbirth Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 7, 2018

What Is A Stillbirth?

Stillbirth is defined as fetal death after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Stillbirths happen in approximately one in every 160 pregnancies, at seemingly random times. Stillbirth is used as a distinction between the miscarriage or live birth.

Losing a baby to stillbirth is a tragic and tender time when all hopes and dreams are born, only for those hopes and dreams to be shattered upon delivery. The body recovers from the birth, but the heart is forever injured.

How is Stillbirth Diagnosed?

Most stillbirths occur prenatally – stillbirths are relatively infrequent during labor and delivery. Often a woman notices her baby is not moving as usual and may suspect that something is wrong.

Once a woman suspects that there is something wrong and calls her doctor, a fetal death is confirmed (or denied!) via ultrasonography. Sometimes, these images may explain what caused the stillbirth.

What Happens After Stillbirth Diagnosis?

After it’s determined that the fetus has, in fact, died, the health care team will work with the woman to discuss options for delivery. Some women may, for medical reasons, need to deliver immediately.

If not medically necessary, couples are often given the option of when they want to deliver their baby – waiting for labor does not usually pose any problems for the mother.

A couple can wait to go into labor naturally with their baby; labor usually begins within 2 weeks of a stillbirth. If labor does not begin within two weeks, most doctors push to induce their patients because there is a risk of blood clots for the mother after that time.

Most couples, however, opt to have labor induced after they’ve learned that their baby has died. A vaginal suppository is inserted into the cervix, if it has not begun to dilate naturally. Then, an IV drip of synthetic oxytocin, which stimulates uterine contractions, is begun.

Barring any problems with labor and delivery, most women can deliver vaginally.

Why Does Stillbirth Happen?

There are many known causes for stillbirth; however, not all stillbirths have a known cause. Here are some common causes for a stillbirth:

Birth Defects – According to the March of Dimes, 15-20% of stillborn babies have at least one birth defect; 20% of these have chromosomal problems, such as Down Syndrome. Others have birth defects caused by genetics, environmental, or unknown causes.

Placental Problems – According to the March of Dimes, placental problems cause 25% of stillbirths. Placental abruption (the placenta peels away partially or entirely from the uterine wall prior to delivery) results in heavy bleeding that can threaten the life of the mother and fetus. It may cause fetal death due to lack of oxygen. Women who use cocaine or smoke cigarettes while pregnant are at increased risk of placental abruption.

Poor Fetal Growth – Fetuses that grow too slowly are at an increased risk for stillbirth. According to the March of Dimes, 40% of stillborn babies have poor growth. Women who smoke cigarettes or have high blood pressure are at increased risk for small babies. If poor growth is noted prior to fetal demise, a woman will be closely monitored by her OB-GYN.

Infection – Maternal, fetal, or placental infections appear to cause 10-25% of stillbirths, according to the March of Dimes. Some infections, such as genital and urinary tract infections and certain viruses, may go undiagnosed and asymptomatic through a pregnancy until they cause complications like stillbirth or preterm birth.

Chronic Maternal Health Conditions – According to the March of Dimes, 10% of stillbirths are related to chronic health conditions of the mother. These include high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease, and thrombophilias. These conditions may lead to placental abruption or poor fetal growth. Preeclampsia also increases the risk for a stillbirth, especially in subsequent pregnancies.

Umbilical Cord Accidents – 2-4% of pregnancies involve umbilical cord accidents, such as knots in the cord or abnormal placement of the cord into the placenta. Umbilical cord accidents can deprive the fetus of oxygen.

Other stillbirths may be caused by maternal trauma (like a car accident), pregnancy longer than 42 weeks, Rh Disease (incompatibility of maternal and fetal blood), and lack of oxygen during a difficult delivery.

Risk Factors for Stillbirth:

• Maternal age over 35

• Maternal Obesity

• Multiple gestation (twins or triplets)

• African-American Ancestry

• Malnutrition

• Smoking

• Drug and alcohol abuse

How Do I Reduce My Risk for Stillbirth?

A woman should schedule a visit with her doctor before she gets pregnant to allow the doctor to identify and treat any maternal conditions before pregnancy to reduce risks during pregnancy. This is also a time when a woman should share all medications, including herbal supplements, with her doctor to identify and discontinue any potentially harmful medications.

Women who are obese should consider losing weight prior to conception. A doctor or other health care provider can help a woman develop a weight loss plan before pregnancy. No woman should try to lose weight during a pregnancy.

Women shouldn’t smoke, use street drugs, or drink alcohol during pregnancy because these can increase the risk of stillbirths.

I Had a Previous Pregnancy End in Stillbirth – Can it Happen Again?

Understandably, those who have suffered a stillbirth are worried about subsequent pregnancies also ending in stillbirth. The risk for those who have had a previous stillbirth is lower than those who have not. For example, placental problems and cord accidents are unlikely to occur in another pregnancy.

If the stillbirth was due to maternal health complications or genetic disorders, the risk of a subsequent stillbirth may be higher. These couples should visit a genetic counselor and discuss the risks of pregnancy complications, including stillbirth.

Doctors carefully monitor any woman who has had a previous stillbirth for any signs of fetal problems – this may assure the woman that all steps necessary for prevention of another stillbirth are taken.

Can We Prevent Stillbirths?

Stillbirth rates, since the 1950’s, have declined dramatically. This is due to better management of certain conditions – high blood pressure and diabetes. Rh disease can be prevented by administering a dose of immunoglobulin at 28 weeks to an Rh- mother carrying an Rh+ fetus.

Women who have high risk pregnancies are monitored more carefully by their doctors during late pregnancy. Women who are carrying high-risk pregnancies are often told to do a “kick count” starting around week 28 of pregnancy. If a woman counts less than ten kicks an hour for two hours or if she feels the baby is moving less than usual, she should call the doctor for additional testing.

Any bleeding during pregnancy should be reported to the doctor immediately. Vaginal bleeding during the second trimester may indicate placental abruption, and an emergency c-section may save the baby.

Since stillbirths are often a complete mystery, there are very few ways to eradicate them entirely; however, with proper prenatal care and monitoring, some stillbirths may be prevented.

How Do I Handle the Grief of a Stillbirth?

Any couple who has lost a baby due to stillbirth needs time and space to grieve. A pregnant woman and her partner have already bonded with their child, well before it is born, so having a stillbirth means that most will feel an intense, pervasive loss when their baby dies. Grief is a very unique process, and each parent may feel the loss differently. Some common emotions are anger, sadness, denial, shock, numbness, depression, despair, and guilt.

Often a woman and her partner cope with a stillbirth differently, which may create tension within the relationship. These couples may benefit from seeing a grief counselor together so that they can be there for one another at a time when they are both in desperate need.

Many stillbirth parents find strength from joining a stillbirth support group. These groups are full of people who understand the unique grief journey that accompanies a stillbirth. This may help each person feel less alone.

How Do I Help a Loved One Who Has Suffered a Stillbirth?

• Follow their lead – everyone grieves a loss – any loss – differently. If you find out how your loved one is coping and what they need from you, it can help you figure out how to respond. Acknowledge your friend’s feelings. Maybe they’re not the reactions you’d have, but they are hers and she is allowed. A little, “I understand why you feel this way” can go a long way. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or talk candidly about the loss with your friend.
• Don’t ever say these things: “You can try again.” “There must’ve been something wrong with the baby.” “At least it happened now.” Even if these are all true statements, they’re about the most unsupportive thing you can say to someone who is grieving.
• You probably DO NOT know how your friend feels, so don’t say so. When you say, “I know how it feels…I lost my cat once,” you’re minimizing the loss your friend just experienced. There’s nothing more hurtful than being told that someone else “gets” their pain when they truly cannot.If you weren’t informed of the stillbirth by the parents, be careful what you say. It’s wonderful to want to be supportive and send love and condolences, but if the couple hasn’t officially told many about their loss, they may feel their confidence has been betrayed. Let them come to you.
• Send a card – just a simple card saying that you are sorry and available if your friend wants to talk. Those sort of words can be extremely comforting when someone is brokenhearted over the loss of their unborn child.
• Follow up – grief is an ever-evolving thing, coming in all sorts of stages and waves. What may be comforting one week may be not the next. So keep calling. Keep emailing. Keep sending notes and letters. Your friend will appreciate it.

Additional Stillbirth Resources:

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep: a non-profit network of professional photographers around the country that will come to the hospital and offer free professional portraits to families who have lost a baby.

International Stillbirth Alliance: a non-profit coalition of organizations dedicated to understanding the causes and prevention of stillbirth. The group seeks to raise awareness of stillbirth, promote the prevention of stillbirth through international collaboration, and help provide appropriate care for parents whose baby is stillborn.

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby -by Deborah L. Davis, PhD: This book has wonderful information on issues such as the loss of multiples, stillbirth, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and infant loss. There is a special chapter for fathers, and it’s an exceptional book for doctors, nurses, grandparents, and others to read to help them offer comfort to the grieving parents.

Still Standing Magazine – an online magazine focusing on encouraging women, men and even children to embrace life, connecting hearts around the world who have similar life experiences and becoming a resource for friends, family and even medical professionals, to know how to support someone enduring child loss and/or infertility.

Still Birthday – Wonderful resource page full of love, support, and information about all things related to miscarriage and baby loss. In addition to information about the loss, there is information about how to care for yourself during this incredibly difficult time. It also contains information about how to start the process again after a loss.

Page last audited 7/2018