Health Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 22, 2018

Abortion Recovery Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 22, 2018

How To Recover After An Abortion:

While it may not seem like it, abortions are common in the United States, with an average of 3 out of 10 women having had an by age 45. There are two types: the abortion pill (also known as a medical abortion) and a surgical abortion. Women can take the abortion pill up until they reach 10 weeks of pregnancy. Beyond 10 weeks, a surgical abortion remains an option. Whether you undergo a surgical abortion or take the abortion pill, it’s important to take care of yourself and acknowledge your feelings following the procedure.

Abortion Trauma is the emotional effects that can be experienced by both men and women after an abortion due to unresolved physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of the abortion. There is a huge lack of understanding and compassion for women who have experienced this sort of >trauma. Because abortion is legal in many countries, and so many women profess to be grateful for the procedure’s availability, the potential for trauma and distress afterward is not recognized as valid.

Society blames the woman for causing her own pain in choosing to abort, which invalidates her emotions, and increases the emotional trauma. People may react unkindly to the news that a friend, partner, parent, or child has had an abortion, which further increases the post-abortion isolation. She may be told that she is weak, wrong, or misguided to come to terms with her feelings with the abortion.

What Makes An Abortion Traumatic?

1. If the abortion is forced or chosen under duress due to external factors (boyfriend, parent, friend), the woman may emotional trauma. Occasionally, an abortion is truly forced on a woman (by a doctor, friend, parent, or the father of the baby): this is always illegal. No matter the circumstance or age of the woman, it is always a woman’s choice to abort.
2. If a woman has a history of depression, anxiety, or sexual abuse, the likelihood of trauma associated with the abortion process increases exponentially.
3. If the woman has little-to-no support from friends, family, and loved ones, this may amplify her feelings of trauma, isolation, and guilt. This is especially true when the woman has already faced scorn or lack of support from loved ones.
4. Most women seeking abortions choose a medical abortion (performed in a doctor’s office) or at home using the RU-486 as this pill is sold over the counter in the US. Women who opt to use RU-486 often have increased emotional trauma associated with the abortion process as these women may see the products of conception and deal with this very painful procedure in pain, and alone.

What is Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)?

While not all women experience emotional trauma after an abortion, there are many who are left with feelings of guilt, grief, shame, and regret. Living through the process of making the decision to have an abortion, experiencing the abortion procedure, and dealing with the pain and possible regret following the abortion can be very traumatic. Just like other trauma, women tend to belittle what happened and ignore the emotional pain that can result. Many women don’t recognize that their distress is related to their abortion. But memories do eventually resurface, and the significance of their loss can’t be denied any longer.

If a woman has experiencing severe emotional reactions after an abortion, this is sometimes called Post Abortion Syndrome or Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS), an informal type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A soul wound like this affects different people differently, the abortion may come to mind over and over, it may be out of mind – which can dull the pain. A woman who experiences a soul wound may suffer from “triggers” which are sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and memories that may arise when a woman is reminded of her abortion. Some women do report nightmares of the abortion. If a woman attempt to suppress their grief, it is called emotional toxicity, and her feelings grief will emerge in daily life as anger, anxiety, depression, or difficult relationship.

Many people don’t even recognize that their depression stems from a traumatic abortion. These feelings may take over 15 years to manifest. Some of the symptoms of Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) may occur immediately following the abortion, and others may occur later or not at all.

Guilt – if a post-abortion woman believes she consented to the death of her baby, before or after the abortion, her feelings of guilt can be relentless.

Self-blame refers to an post-abortive women who believes that any unpleasant event that occurs as a direct result of punishment for killing her child. Many women who have had abortions only to lose a planned baby due to miscarriage may feel that this is “punishment” or believe that she may have been rendered infertile due to the abortion.

Anxiety refers to the battle between compromising a woman’s moral standards and her decision to have an abortion may actually stimulate much anxiety. She may not link the anxiety to her abortion, yet may unconsciously avoid anything having to do with babies, avoiding people with children, turning anxious at the thought of having to walk near a baby aisle in the store. She may be uncomfortably anxious when she thinks about pregnancy or when a loved becomes pregnant.

Psychological Numbing – A great deal of post-abortive women vow they will never be in such a vulnerable position again. Often, without conscious thought, they will work to keep their emotions in check to prevent themselves from experiencing pain. This interferes with their ability to create and maintain close relationships.

Depression and Suicidal Thoughts – the following forms of depression are common in women who have had an abortion:

• Sadness
• Sudden, uncontrollable crying without a reason.
• Deterioration of self-concept.
• Lack of motivation.
• Disruption of interpersonal relationships are quite common in the woman’s relationship with her partner, especially if the partner was involved with making the abortion decision.
• Suicidal thoughts/preoccupation with death: In a study by the Elliot Institute, 1/3 of the women who had had abortions became so depressed that claimed “they would rather die than go on.”

Reliving The Abortion – Very common, sudden distressing and recurring “flashbacks” of the events surrounding the abortion during situations that resemble the abortion, like a gynecological exam or hearing a vacuum cleaner. These flashbacks may become recurring nightmares about babies.

Preoccupation With Becoming Pregnant Again – Many women who have had abortions become pregnant again within a year, while others want to conceive again as soon as possible. This new baby is sometimes referred to as an “atonement baby.”

Anxiety Over Conception and Bearing Children – many post-abortion women fear they will never become pregnant again or carry a baby to term. Some women expect to have children with disabilities because they believe they have “disqualified” themselves as good mothers. Many women refer to this fear as a “Punishment from God.”

Interruption of Bonding With Present and/or Future Children – a woman who has experienced an abortion may not allow herself to form a bond with her subsequent children for fear of another loss. Another post-abortion reaction is to “atone” for the abortion by becoming the perfect mother. Women who have children at the time of their abortion may view their children differently. Sometimes, these women devalue their living children: “You were the lucky one. You were allowed to live.” Conversely, women may become overprotective of their children.

Survivors Guilt – Generally, women do not abort for trivial reasons. While the abortion frees the woman from her current trauma, it may cause unrelenting guilt for choosing her comfort over her baby’s life.

Eating Disorders – some women develop eating disorders as a way of coping with the loss.

Alcohol and Drug Abuse – often begins as a form of self-medication, a coping mechanism, sadly leading to other problems such as addiction.

Other Self-Punishing and Self-Degrading Behaviors – a post-abortion woman may enter abusive relationships, become promiscuous, or refuse medical care. She may also deliberately hurt herself emotionally and/or physically.

Brief Reactive Psychosis – rarely, a post-abortive woman may experience a brief psychotic episode after the abortion. 

How Do I Help My Loved One Get Through An Abortion?

Many women report that there are things that can help them overcome their abortion; things that make it easier to cope with such a loss. These may include:

• Respect her privacy and don’t share the news with others
• Be with her in her space – but be mindful not to hover or ignore her
• Try to comfort her physically if you don’t have the words
• Be physically there with her
• Choose words and tones that let her know that you’re not going to be someone who judges her
• Let her know that she doesn’t have to temper her emotions, thoughts, feelings, and reactions in front of you
• Avoid judging her abortion as either “good” or “bad” as her emotions may be all over the place
• Accept her feelings no matter how strongly you feel yourself about the topic. Allow her to bring up what she wants to say in the words she chooses.

Things You Can Do For Your Loved One:

• Encourage her to get proper sleep, rest, and to eat healthy foods – it can be extremely hard for a woman post-abortion to muster any care about and for herself – especially if she has conflicting fillings about the abortion
• Offer to run errands for her
• Invite her to events – even if they’re child-themed (such as a birthday party or a baby shower). It is her choice as to whether or not she wants to attend
• Offer to watch her other children (if she has others)
• If she asks, help her commemorate the child she lost
• Get her help if her depression worsens or she begins to have suicidal thoughts

Abortion Recovery Hotlines:

1-800-712-4357

Additional Abortion Resources:

OptionLine – provides a nice, non-biased website that provides information for women who have become pregnant and/or want an abortion. The site includes an online chat platform for those looking to talk and a hotline listed above.

If you’re in the UK or Canada and are in need of help and advice about unplanned pregnancy or post-abortion issues in the UK you’ll find free & confidential help at the pregnancy choices centres.*

Our Bodies, Ourselves (website) – a website devoted to women’s health, this page is devoted to the physical aspects of abortion procedure, including physical (only) after-care instructions.

Planned Parenthood – offers up-to-date medical information regarding abortion, the types of abortion, and what to expect during and after an abortion.

Also note that many crisis pregnancy centers may only offer biased information or information and are often not run by doctors, but by a church. Here is how to tell if an abortion/recovery center is not-legitimate.

*I do apologize if I’ve not thoroughly checked each center above to see if it’s open or judgmental – I’m sorry (xo – AB)

This page last audited 6/2018 BSH

Abandonment Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 22, 2018

What Is Abandonment?

Many people struggling with intense feelings of unmet needs are experiencing emotional abandonment, which is something that stems from a dysfunctional childhood. While most people consider “abandonment” to be the physical act of leaving someone or something behind, emotional abandonment is a more nebulous feeling of things being not-quite-right.

It should be noted that emotional abandonment has very little to do with proximity to another person – someone sitting next to you can very easily abandon you emotionally when you’re not connecting and getting your needs met.

Those who struggle with abandonment are afraid of being alone and may believe they are destined to be alone. Their unfulfilled relationships are often filled with insecurity and fear. Further, fear of abandonment often leads to actual abandonment through a self-fulfilling prophesy. Insecurity and self-doubt are often just symptoms of deeper-seated issues.

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.

For some children abandonment is primarily physical.

Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

• lack of appropriate supervision
• inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
• inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
• physical and/or sexual abuse

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

What Are The Types of Abandonment?

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. Emotional abandonment is defined as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.”

It is easier to talk about family relationships now than it used to be. However, when you’ve had to cope with an absent parent who abandoned the family home for whatever reason, you also have to contend with a definition of something which is indescribable.

Often, when someone is asked about their parent they can only hesitate, lower their gaze and respond vaguely with excuses. This clearly demonstrates the difficulty in defining the emotional vacuum and dealing with the scars left in us by abandonment.

In this regard we should highlight that there are many types of abandonment. In fact, we could speak of as many types as there are cases in the world. These are some of the most common ones:

1)) The emotionally absent but physically present parent. If we pay attention to the socio-emotional reality of our environment, we will understand that this type of upbringing has been very common over the years.

2) The parent that abandoned us before, during and after childhood. The pain of being physically and emotionally abandoned by choice by our reference figures sows significant seeds in our process of growing up. It is difficult to handle the reality you have to live with in this case. Because… how do you assimilate the fact that someone who should accompany you for many years of your life chooses to distance him/herself from you in some way?

3) The parent who abandoned us physically or emotionally during our youth or adulthood. This type of abandonment will most probably be branded as betrayal. It therefore needs to be processed verbally with a lot of awareness.

4) The almost total absence of a parental figure. In this case there are several possibilities:

• The parent who died early and didn’t have the opportunity to play their role in our life.
• The parent who died but who we knew first. In this scenario, longing and idealization will create a characteristic hole.

What Is The Difference Between Physical And Emotional Abandonment?

Children are completely dependent upon their caretakers to provide a save environment, and if their caretakers fail to provide such an environment, they grow up believing the following:

• The world is an unsafe place
• Nobody should be trusted
• They do not deserve love or care.

Some children grow in a primarily physically abandoned state; which happens when the physical needs for growth and survival are replaced by the following:

• Lack of appropriate supervision
• Physical and/sexual child abuse
• Improper food, clothing, house, heat or shelter.
• Improper providing of food, nutrition and meals.

Emotional Abandonment, on the other hand, occurs when caretakers don’t provide the emotional support and environment needed for a child to grow and thrive. This is often described as being raised in an environment in which a child has to hide part of him or herself to be accepted; to not be rejected. This means that the child learns:

• Making mistakes is NOT okay.
• It’s NOT okay to show their feelings.
• Being told that their feelings aren’t true.
• Not everyone is allowed needs.
• Everyone else’s needs are more important.
• Accomplishments and successes are discounted.

Other types of abandonment happen when children:

• Can’t live up to parental expectations; which are both unrealistic and age inappropriate.
• Are held responsible for the behavior of others; especially the actions and feelings of their parents.
• Are disapproved for their entire being, rather than a specific type of behavior.

What Causes Fear Of Abandonment?

According to psychotherapist Sue Anderson, “The origin of abandonment issues often begins very early in life.”

When children are raised with chronic loss, or without the emotional or physical protection that a parent or guardian should be providing, it’s natural that these children turn their fears inward. Infants or children become afraid that they will be left uncared for, which leads to a cumulative fear of abandonment. By not getting the physical or emotional protection of a parent, the child becomes abandoned. Living with repeated abandonment creates a toxic shame in children, as they learn this brutal message: “You don’t matter. You have no value.”

Sometimes, abandonment occurs when parents cannot recognize the boundaries between themselves and their child. This can occur when:

• Parents cannot see their children as separate beings from themselves.
• Parental self-esteem is derived from the child’s behavior.
• Parents are unwilling to take any responsibility for their feelings, behaviors, thoughts. Instead, they expect their children to take responsibility.

Emotional and physical abandonment with distorted boundaries are not actually indications that the child is bad; instead the entire perception is based upon false beliefs and values of the caregiver who repeatedly hurt them.

Still, this pain can persist a lifetime, the wounds unhealed, the feelings of shame overwhelming. The pain of abandonment is exceptionally challenging to heal.

What Are Emotional Needs?

For a child who grows up in a constant state of fear of abandonment, it can be very challenging, as an adult, to understand their own emotional needs, after being told for so many years that their needs “don’t matter,” because the child is “worthless.” Emotional needs can include:

• The need to be nurtured
• The need to be listened to
• The need to be understood
• The need to feel valued
• The need of acceptance
• The need for love
• The need for companionship.

While this list may look a little silly to some, these are extremely foreign concepts to children who grew in a home where abandonment and child neglect was present.

What Are The Scars Of Emotional Abandonment?

Because children who are abandoned have the erroneous belief that they do not matter and that their needs do not matter, they can easily grow into adults who feel the same: feeling worthless, lonely, and sad.

The fear of abandonment becomes a consistent theme in the interpersonal relationships of those who were abandoned as children, which can lead to troubled interpersonal relationships. Fears of abandonment may be triggered by rejection, a lack of validation, and feelings of inadequacy. These feelings are further compounded by feelings of loneliness, rejection, and in some cases, betrayal.

The self-fulfilling prophecy exists when individuals are filled with fear and insecurity, and attract those who may abandon them, thus leading to a validation of their fear.

Further, a healthy romantic relationship may become dysfunctional or fall apart altogether because the individual is not fully available to them for fear that the partner will leave. These relationships revolve around fear.

What Are Common Beliefs of Those With Abandonment Issues?

People who have scars from abandonment during childhood often self-report as suffering from many false beliefs (beliefs they think are real). In order to correct this negative self-talk, we must first be aware of the beliefs of those of us who suffer abandonment issues:

• I have no support
• People and relationships are exhausting
• I am invisible
• I am unlovable
• I can’t trust others
• My needs are not met
• I am insecure
• I need approval from others
• I cannot do anything right
• I am rejected and betrayed by others

What Are Some Common Feelings Associated With Abandonment?

Many people struggle with abandonment issues in their lives, and until they realize that these feelings are both natural, but based in untrue realities, healing from abandonment may be a challenge. These are some of the more common feelings associated with abandonment:

Anxiety – especially surrounding fears of living life alone and the expectation that one will ALWAYS be alone.

“I feel anxious when I like someone because I know they’ll look behind the mask and see that I’m worthless.”

Depression – depression is common among people who have abandonment issues as they’ve grown up feeling as though they do not matter to anyone.

“I don’t matter to anyone. I wish I mattered to someone.”

Loneliness – because children who experience abandonment are taught that they do not matter; they never learn to express their feelings or open up to others, which can lead to intense feelings of

“No one will understand how I feel, so I’m not going to open up about it – they’ll think I’m crazy.”

Fear – people who suffered from abandonment during childhood spend much of their time feeling afraid that they will, once again, be abandoned by friends, partners, and other people in their lives.

“I’m so afraid to date because I don’t want to be left.”

Defeat – because overcoming abandonment is a process, not an event, people who experience abandonment issues often feel defeated by their negative self-talk.

“Why bother if no one is going to care about me anyway?”

What Are The Causes of Emotional Abandonment In Romantic Relationships?

Almost everyone who has had an interpersonal relationship has been abandoned at some point by his or her partner. For adult children who have been raised with the erroneous belief that they deserve to be abandoned, fears of abandonment may be huge.

While these situations (and many more) can lead a person who has deep-rooted fears of abandonment, with proper communication and individual and couple’s therapy, these fears can be addressed and the relationship can be mended, with both partners on the same page. The individual who suffers from abandonment must deal with his or her issues with the help of a therapist.

“Leaving a marriage” doesn’t always occur when one partner moves out of the shared living quarters and files paperwork. Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both parties stops investing in the marriage, leaving their partner feeling unwanted and detached. How does this happen? How do two formerly happy people fall into such a pattern? And furthermore, what causes emotional abandonment between spouses?

Here are some of the most common causes for emotional abandonment in a marriage or partnership:

1) Being unable to forgive. If our partner has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we find ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again. The most simple way to prevent being hurt by your partner is to close off our hearts to them. Not practicing forgiveness leads to isolation, and overcoming unforgiveness requires that we are humble and seek forgiveness from our partner, as well as a willingness to forgive our partner when he or she has hurt us.

2) Being Unkind – when one partner is unkind to the other, it starts a seed of hurt that can build to become a deep resentment of the other. This can be fixed by each partner reminding themselves to treat our partners as we would like to be treated.

3) Not Bothering – putting very little into a marriage can happen very slowly and over time, especially when we feel our partnership is just fine. This, unfortunately can cause us to take our partner for granted and not treat them as though they are important, leading to our partners isolating themselves.

4) Fears Of Discussing Problems – if one of the partners in a marriage is unable to bring up their problems in the partnership because they’re afraid, this can lead to a disconnection between partners.

5) Denial, denial, denial – when our relationship begins to falter, so many of us choose to deny the existence of the problem, rather than confront it head-on. Unfortunately, this only leads to further deterioration and emotional abandonment.

6) Busy Bees – many of us pack our days so full that we do not make time for our partner. Schedule some “us” time with your partner every day, even if it’s just having dinner or watching television together.

How To Work Through Emotional Abandonment In Romantic Relationships:

The first thing you must do when attempting to bridge the gap between you and your partner is to figure out the cause for the emotional detachment. Here are some of the ways to reconnect with your partner after emotional abandonment:

1) Agree to have an honest conversation with your partner about your problems. Sometimes, when they’re brought out into the light of day, the problems in our relationships don’t seem nearly as scary.

2) Before your talk, take some time to yourself and think about the unresolved issues you’ll be discussing with your partner. Figure out your concerns, what areas you want to improve, and what areas you’d like your spouse to improve in.

3) Don’t beat around the bush – but be kind. This discussion is intended to bring the issues in your partnership out without blaming one another for the emotional abandonment. Use “I feel” statements and do not inject guilt into the conversation. Remember, you two are going to have to work together to fix your problems.

4) Start meeting those unmet needs – find out what needs you can be meeting for your spouse and be sure to start meeting those needs. In turn, tell your partner what needs you feel are unmet.

5) Figure yourself out – find out what’s at the root of the problem, what your role in the problem is, and how you can best work together to fix things. In the meantime, try some therapy or writing to get your feelings out and work on your own issues.

6) Make it a point to be there for your spouse so that you can work toward emotional reconnection.

7) Be kind to each other. Be warm, loving, do things that makes your partner happy because you can, not because you have to.

Five Stages To Working Through Abandonment Issues:

It’s vital to know that those of us who have been abandoned as children do not need to live our lives in such fear. We need to learn to love ourselves and that child who was loved by no one. We must heal from our wounds, but never forget the scars – they’re a part of who we are, but they do not have to define us. The following are the five stages of working through abandonment issues:

1. Shattering: An intense fear of devastation after a severed relationship.
2. Withdrawal: The individual pulls away, but feels yearning, obsession, and longing.
3. Internalizing: The ex-partner may be “placed on a pedestal” and the failure becomes a source of self-blame.
4. Rage: Anger and thoughts of retaliation at those who did not protect you, or left you.
5. Lifting: Life begins to distract you, love becomes a possibility.

Overall, love becomes defined by fear and anxiety, rather than safety and security. These conflicting emotions create negative patterns that are expressed in relationships.

Abandonment is also a form of grief, in that the individual is mourning the loss of a relationship. However, feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear lead to a recurring negative pattern. Further, the feelings of disappointment and anger are often turned inward and become a “truth” about ourselves.

How Are Issues of Abandonment Treated?

Abandonment issues are treatable through a variety of methods. Most people who have problems with abandonment attend therapy. Fears surrounding abandonment are common; although the degree of intensity depends upon a number of factors, including childhood experience, peer acceptance, familial support, lack of a support system.

Generally, fear of abandonment stems from a loss sustained during childhood, whether it was a loss due to parentification, death of a parent, divorce, or childhood abuse.

Talking about these fears with a trusted therapist is a great way to begin to heal the wounds from abandonment. The therapist must show a connection to his or her client so as to prove that he or she will not abandon her client. A therapist will have his or her client focus upon treating themselves in a positive, compassionate way to the scars of abandonment.

A therapist will help overcome fears of abandonment by changing the emotional reaction associated with abandonment. This can help the person separate the past from present day and work toward correcting their negative and false beliefs. It also helps the person by teaching him or her to develop more positive and realistic reactions to events in his or her life.

True healing from abandonment occurs when a person who has fears of abandonment leans that the fear is in the past and cannot control the present-day relationships providing he or she maintains healthy perspectives about life.

Because of a lack of validation and security as a child, the abandonment issues grow. However, by addressing these feelings, it is possible to break the cycle.

Additional Abandonment Resources:

Abandonment and Recovery– Resource and information page about abandonment, the impact of it, and ways to resolve the issues within yourself.

Page last audited 6/2018

Coping With An Abusive Relationship

by Band Back Together | Jun 20, 2018

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224

Domestic abuse takes many forms.

There are no “better” or “worse” cases of domestic abuse and domestic violence. If you are victim of domestic abuse, it’s not okay. You may feel terrified; unsure of how to get help, or how to get out of the situation.

Know this: there is help available.

First, understand the Cycle of Domestic Abuse:

1. Abuse: The abuser lashes out in a power play designed to show the victim who the boss is.
2. Guilt: The abuser feels guilt, not for what he’s done, but over being caught for his abusive behavior.
3. Excuses: The abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The abuser may rationalize what he/she has done by making up excuses or blaming the victim. Anything but take responsibility for his/her actions.
4. “Normal” Behavior: Abuser tries to regain control of victim to keep victim in relationship. May act like nothing has happened. May turn on the charm. This may make the victim think that the abuser has really changed.
5. Fantasy/Planning: Abuser fantasizes about next abuse. Spends much time deciding what to punish victim for and how he’ll/she’ll make victim pay. Then he/she makes a plan to turn the abuse into a reality.
6. Set-up: Abuser sets victim up, puts plan into motion to create a situation to justify abuse.

Help! I’m In An Abusive Relationship:

If you are in an abusive relationship, you may want to downplay the abuse, telling yourself “it’s not so bad,” or “so many other people have it so much worse.” But that’s irrelevant – if you’re being abused even a “little,” it’s too much. Why? Domestic violence often escalates from threats to verbal abuse to physical abuse. And NO ONE deserves to be abused.

Here are some tips for handling domestic abuse.

First, are you being abused? It’s REALLY hard to know what’s abuse and what’s not. Recognizing abuse as abuse is the first step to getting help.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Does Your Partner:

Embarrass you or put you down?

Act in a way that scares you?

Isolate you from your friends and family?

Take your money or refuse to give you money when you ask?

Make all of the decisions for you?

Tell you you’re a crappy parent and threaten to take away your kids?

Prevent you from going to work or school?

Act like hurting you is no big deal?

Stop you from seeing you friends or family?

Intimidate you with guns or knives?

Shove you, hit you or slap you around?

Threaten suicide?

Threaten to kill you or someone you love?

Use your pets and/or farm animals to control, punish, manipulate or exact revenge on you?

If the answer to even ONE question is “yes,” you may be in an abusive relationship.

Call the National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224.

Domestic Abuse/Violence and Safety Planning:

Safety planning is critical for someone involved in an abusive relationship. You can start planning while you’re still in a relationship with your abuser or after the relationship is over. If you’re in a domestically abusive relationship, your safety is VERY important.

Here are some tips for safety plans in an abusive relationship. Following these suggestions does NOT mean you’ll be 100% safe, but it can absolutely help. 

Personal Safety For Domestic Abuse:

• Be on the lookout for the red-flags that abuser is getting upset and may be ready to strike out in anger and try to come up with a couple reasons to get out of the house. These can be used at any time you’re in immediate danger
• Identify your partner’s use of force so you can assess the danger to yourself and your children before it occurs.
• Try to avoid any episodes of abuse by leaving.
• Identify safe areas of the home where there are no weapons and ways to escape. Try to move to those areas if an argument occurs. Avoid enclosed spaces with no exits. If you can, get to a room with a phone or a window.
• Don’t run to the location of your children – your partner may hurt them too.
• Keep a phone accessible at all times if possible. Make sure you know the numbers (local women’s shelter, local police) to call for help.
• If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target: dive into a corner, curl up into a ball, protecting your face with both arms around the side of your head, entwining your fingers.
• Let friends and trusted neighbors know that you are in an abusive situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need their help.
• Teach children how to go and get help.
• Make sure your children know to NEVER get in the middle of violence between you and your partner.
• Develop a code word, gesture, or symbol to use when the children should leave the house or go get help. Teach the code word to EVERYONE you know.
• Explain that violence – even if it’s committed by someone they love – is not right. Explain that the violence is not their fault and that when someone is violent, it’s important to stay safe.
• Practice a plan with your children (and yourself) for a safe escape.
• Plan for what to do if your children tell your partner of the escape plan.
• Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
• Make a habit of keeping the car backed into the driveway and full of gas. Keep the driver’s door unlocked.
• Don’t wear long scarves or jewelry that can be used to strangle you.
• Call a domestic hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive relationship.
• Find domestic violence shelters in your area and see which will accept your family. Here is a state-by-state list of Domestic Violence Shelters.
• Find out how to keep your pets safe, too. The Humane Society of the United States maintains a directory of the Safe Havens for Animals™ programs. Additionally, Sheltering Animals & Families Together (SAF-T) ™ maintains a directory of shelters equipped to accept families of domestic violence along with their pets and Ahimsa House maintains a directory of off-site housing options for pets.

Getting Ready To Leave Your Abuser:

• Keep any evidence of abuse – like pictures, emails, texts, or voicemail messages.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidents, noting dates, threats, and events. Keep it in a safe place your abuser won’t find it.
• Know where to get help – tell someone what is happening to you.
• If you’re injured, go to the ER and report the abuse. Make certain they document your visit.
• Contact a local battered women’s shelter to find out about local laws and resources before you have to leave. Contact a family shelter for men, or for women with children.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them – a room with a lock, or a friend’s house they can go for help. Reassure them that it is YOUR job to protect them, not theirs to protect you.
• Try to set some money aside (have friends or family hold it).
• Start getting together some job skills or take some classes at a local college so you can become self-sufficient.
• Have pets vaccinated and licensed in your name to establish ownership.

General Guidelines for Leaving An Abusive Relationship:

• You may ask for a police stand-by or escort while you leave.
• Ask for help from animal care and control officers or law enforcement if pets need to be retrieved from the abuser. Never reclaim animals alone.
• If you’re sneaking away, be prepared.

1. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
2. Plan for a quick escape.
3. Put aside emergency money.
4. Hide an extra set of keys.
5. Pack a bag – extra clothes, medications, documents – and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try not to use the homes of next-door neighbors, close family, and mutual friends as your abuser may attempt to follow you there.

Take with you important phone numbers as well as these documents:

• Driver’s license
• Regularly-needed medication
• Credit-cards
• Pay stubs
• Checkbooks

If you have time, also take:

• Passport
• Titles, deeds, other property information
• Medical records
• Children’s school and immunization schedule
• Insurance information
• Copy of birth certificates, marriage license, mortgage, and will
• Verification of social security numbers
• Welfare identification
• Pictures, jewelry or other personal possessions.
• Pet vaccination records, pet license, pet medical records, and other pet documents.

Creating a false trail may be helpful – call motels, real estate agencies, and schools in a town at LEAST six hours from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to the house to leave a record of phone numbers.

After You Leave A Domestically Abusive Relationship:

If you’re getting a restraining order and your abuser is leaving:

• Be certain to change locks and phone numbers.
• Change work hours and route taken to work.
• Change route you take you kids to school.
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
• Because animals are considered property in all 50 states, include them in temporary restraining orders.
• Let friends, neighbors and employers know that you have a restraining order in effect.
• Tell people who take care of your children who is allowed to pick up your children. Explain the situation and provide a restraining order.
• Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and friends.
• Call law enforcement to enforce the restraining order.

Protect Your Privacy:

Computer Safety:

• You are safest on a computer outside your home.
• Be cautious on email, text, messenger, or on social media if you are seeking help for domestic violence that way. Your abuser may be able to access your account.
• Change usernames and passwords for all accounts. Even if you believe that your abuser doesn’t have access to them, there are keylogging programs that can easily determine that information.

Phone Safety:

• Get caller ID and ask the phone company to block so that no one will be able to see your phone number when you call.
• Use corded phones rather than cordless telephones. Corded phones are harder to tap.
• Use a prepaid phone card or call collect so that the charges don’t appear on your phone bill.
• Check your cell phone settings as there are many technologies that your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location, even if you do not answer the phone.
• Get your own cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about.

Safety After You’ve Left:

• Get an unlisted phone number.
• Use a PO Box rather than home address or use the address of a friend.
• Be careful of giving out your new address.
• Apply for state’s address confidentiality program (it will confidentially forward all mail to your home).
• Cancel all old bank accounts and credit cards. When you open new accounts, use a new bank.
• Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
• You may want to get a restraining order, BUT DO NOT FEEL FALSELY COMFORTED BY ONE. Not all states enforce restraining orders. Contact your state’s Domestic Violence Coalition for more information about the legalities of restraining orders.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors.
• If possible, install a security system.
• Consider changing your child’s school.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.

Last edit 6/2018 BSH

Archived Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 13, 2018