For most people, romantic relationships can be the most important part of their lives. Romantic relationships are often thought of as friendships with the addition of passion, intimacy and commitment.
To love and to be loved just as you are; to form a partnership and build a lifetime together; to look at your partner and see the future, these are some of the most rewarding parts of life.
But what goes into these romantic relationships? Why do some romantic relationships fail while others thrive? What makes up a healthy relationship? Is what’s healthy for you healthy for another?
Let’s explore romantic relationships a bit.
The Spectrum of Love and Love Relationships:
Imagine romantic relationships on a spectrum – on the one end, you have dislike, and the other, love. Here are some of the kinds of love relationships:
Non-Love: a casual relationship on the opposite end of the love spectrum. In a “non-love” relationship, there exists no intimacy, passion, or commitment. This may be a friendship.
Liking: the experience we have with certain friends and people we know that involves an increase in the level of intimacy, without passion or commitment.
Infatuation: infatuation is a type of love that involves passion without intimacy and commitment. Perhaps, it may be the way we feel about a television husband or a rock star.
Empty Love: this tends to be a relationship that is one-sided, but committed. Empty love not reciprocated, and involves no intimacy, or passion.
Romantic Love: Romantic love can involve intimacy and passion but may or may not involve commitment.
Fatuous Love: this is a rare type of love that involves both passion and commitment, but no intimacy. Fatuous love is a type of love that’s likely to fail.
Companion Love: in this type of love relationship, there is intimacy and commitment, but no passion. This may involve many workable and functioning marriages – the passion may be gone, but the commitment and intimacy remain.
Consummate Love: Consummate love involves all three elements: passion, commitment, and intimacy.
Levels of Romantic Relationships:
There are a number of levels that people go through while they’re looking for a partner, a romantic relationship. Here is a simplified list of the types of levels in romantic relationships:
Booty Call/Hook-Up: This, as you’d imagine, is a repeated hook-up with the same person over time. There’s passion and intimacy without commitment.
Friends with Benefits: probably the most complicated in all types of romantic relationship levels, friends with benefits are two people who are friends that sleep together. Unfortunately, this often ends in a loss of a friendship.
Lovers: those who are intimate and passionate have deep feelings for each other, though they may never progress to the next level and involve any type of commitment.
Dating: seeing each other and dating means that a level of commitment has been achieved; alongside passion and intimacy. Depending upon the partnership, it may progress into a real relationship.
Significant Other/Romantic Partner: it’s not just sex, it’s not just dating – you guys are SERIOUS about one another. And the world knows it.
Types of Romantic Relationships:
While many romantic relationships end in either a relationship breakup or marriage, there are other types of romantic relationships out there. Here are a few types of romantic relationships:
Closed Relationship/Marriage: This is a relationship in which there is no emotional or physical intimacy outside of the marriage or partnership.
Cohabitation: an arrangement in which two unmarried individuals in a romantic relationship live together without being married.
Domestic Partnership: a personal relationship in which two people live together and share a domestic life but are neither joined by a civil union or marriage.
Common-Law Marriages: an interpersonal status that is legally recognized in certain areas as a marriage without a marriage ceremony or civil union.
Civil Union: a legally recognized form of partnership that’s similar to marriage, often for those in same-sex relationships.
Open Relationship/Marriage: This is a relationship in which there is an expectation of multiple partners within the relationship, all of whom are on equal footing.
Intentional Family are those who chose each other as family, regardless of whether they choose to be sexual with one another or not.
Polyamory – people who have multiple relationships, when held in a position of trust and open communication. Sometimes referred to as “open” relationships,” polyamory reflects a non-monogamous lifestyle.
Primary Relationship: This refers to the closest relationship within the polyamorous dynamic. Sometimes there is a dominant “couple” within the relationship dynamic.
Things To Consider At The Beginning Of A Romantic Relationship:
While no romantic relationship is perfect, during the beginning stages of a relationship, or the “honeymoon phase,” we may find ourselves overlooking a lot of things because we’re infatuated with each other. That’s okay, but to learn to have healthy relationships, you must begin to see your partner as he or she really is.
Keep the following in mind at the beginning of a romantic relationship:
Does my partner make me feel appreciated?
Does my partner make me feel free to be me?
Does my partner make me feel understood?
Does my partner make me feel valued?
Does my partner respect me?
Does my partner control me?
Make sure that your partner understands what you want and need from him or her in terms of the romantic relationship.
Together, explore your feelings about values, beliefs, needs and the expectations you want from a partner.
Bring up how YOU feel love is shown. Ask your partner how he or she defines love.
Discuss conflict resolution – even in the early stages of a relationship, any long-term relationship will have conflicts. How will you work together to solve them.
Tips for Healthy Romantic Relationships:
There are a lot of relationship don’t-do-this-or-else advice. What about how to maintain a healthy normal romantic partnership? How does one maintain a healthy romantic partnership?
Here are some tips:
When looking for a relationship, approach it from an attitude of “What can I bring to the relationship?” rather than “what can I get out of it?” This is the attitude that fosters healthy relationships.
Don’t confuse “loving someone” with “needing someone.” Need is based upon insecurity and codependence which can lead you to believe that you cannot live without them. When you love someone – really love them – you know that you can be happy alone and continue to love that person regardless of your romantic relationships.
You cannot depend upon a partner for your own happiness – happiness is something that you must create and foster within yourself.
Happiness is something you yourself bring into a relationship.
Take care of your own well-being. If you don’t, you will only attract someone at the same emotional level or lower. If I am healthy, I will attract a healthy partner. If I am emotionally unhealthy, I will attract emotionally unhealthy partners.
Do not hold your partner to expectations unless they have been previously discussed and agreed upon.
Take responsibility for your own emotions – not the emotions of others around you. You can only control yourself and the way you react to certain events.
Learn to tell your partner specifically what you need from him or her.
It’s up to you to ask for help than expect someone else – including a partner – to do something to make you feel better.
You can feel sorry for your partner if he or she is hurting – but you don’t have to be the person who feels guilty for causing the pain. If your partner EVER expects you to feel guilt or tries to play on your susceptibility toward guilt, reevaluate your relationship with your partner.
When talking about your emotions to your partner, learn to explain these emotions without placing the blame on your partner – take responsibility for being insecure or defensive.
Remind yourself that sometimes, when you talk about your feelings, you may trigger your partner to feel defensive – he or she may feel blackmailed, manipulated, responsible or pressured – even if that’s not what you meant to have happen.
Healthy relationships are based on respect. Treat each other with dignity.
When you feel badly about something you’ve done – tell your partner immediately and ask for forgiveness.
If your partner doesn’t accept your apology, you must forgive yourself. You can only give an apology – not force someone to accept it and forgive you.
Relationships are give and take. You should not be doing all the giving or the taking. It’s a partnership.
Don’t assume you know how your partner feels. If you don’t know how he or she feels – ask.
Communication in Romantic Relationships:
There are several things to keep in mind when talking to your partner (or, really, anyone). Here are some tips for communication in romantic relationships:
Feelings are not up for debate. Ever.
It’s not worth it to try to explain why you feel the way you feel to someone who isn’t interested.
Logic never heals emotional wounds.
Feelings shouldn’t be expressed indirectly, through sarcasm (a sign of resentment, hurt, anger, and bitterness). Identify and explain your feelings as you understand them.
Feelings may not be consistent – expecting them to remain the same will lead to resentment and disappointment.
Defending your feelings often puts other people on the defensive, so it’s not a worthwhile communication technique.
Invalidating your partner is one of the quickest ways to kill the relationship.
Don’t behave judgmentally toward your partner – it will only serve to drive you apart.
State your feelings starting with, “I feel (emotion)” and wait for your partner to respond – don’t try to force explanations.
Take a time out and a step back (I call it “taking 5”) when you feel like you’ve been attacked, are hostile or angry.
Ask your partner how he or she would feel before making any decisions that affect the two of you.
Don’t use your partner’s words against him or her – this is a particularly damaging way to attack someone.
Handling Negative Feelings In A Romantic Relationship:
There are some general guidelines to both promote effective communication and working toward a solution with your partner.
Use those feelings to help determine how you feel about the relationship – should you invest more or less in your partner.
If several relationships show a pattern; the same feelings in a relationship with a different partner, you may want to work on managing your own emotional needs.
Problems Within Romantic Relationships:
It’s not a question that every romantic relationship comes with problems. After the “honeymoon period” is over, the real you comes out and problems may emerge.
Here are some of the major problems in romantic relationships:
Jealousy – while jealousy is a natural feeling, in a romantic relationship, jealousy can become problematic when you – or your partner – begins to experience it. Typical things people may be jealous over include:
Dating Abuse – while most people don’t assume that people who are simply “dating” or in a romantic relationship can be abused. It’s untrue. One does not have to be married to be abused. Intimate partner rape and intimate partner abuse is fairly common and underreported.
Feeling Under-Appreciated – many people in long-term romantic relationships end up feeling under-appreciated by their partner. Once you can see a pattern (example below) emerge, you can take what you see and take it to your partner using specific examples.
Becky writes a resource page about relationships. Her partner shrugs.
Becky edits 300 posts and schedules them for The Band. Her partner says, “I could’ve done more.”
Becky cleans the whole house and purges it. Her partner criticizes the way she got rid of “too much stuff.”
The pattern remains the same – different scenarios, but Becky is left feeling like her partner doesn’t appreciate her.
Tips For Trying To Mend A Romantic Relationship:
It’s the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you’ll have a much better chance of getting past them.Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, they hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life.
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication; you can’t communicate while you’re checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section.
Problem-solving strategies:
Make an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
If you can’t “communicate” without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park,, or restaurant where you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking,
Ban the usage of phrases such as “You always …” or “You never ….”
Use body language to show you’re listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you’re getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, “What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we’re both working.” If you’re right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, “Hey, you’re a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you,” he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say “I do.” Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority!
Problem-solving strategies:
Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
Respect one another. Say “thank you,” and “I appreciate…” It lets your partner know that they matter.
Relationship Problem: Money
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
Don’t approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other’s tendencies.
Don’t hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
Don’t blame.
Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It’s OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Some professionals in the field explain that a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. “Sex,” she says, “brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy.
Problem-solving strategies:
Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby’s Saturday afternoon nap or a “before-work quickie.” Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal “Sexy List.” Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
If your sexual relationship problems can’t be resolved on your own, try consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it’s important to fairly divide the labor at home.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home. Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what. Be fair so no resentment builds.
Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account — as long as it feels fair to both of you.
Relationship Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a part of life, but if you and your partner feel like you’re starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day — i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day — it’s time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner: make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice if you react and how you react.
Be honest with yourself. When you’re in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it’s best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that’s brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can’t expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You’ll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you’re wrong. Sure it’s tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen
Remember: you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, the only one in your charge is you.
Couples Counseling in Romantic Relationships:
Another way to manage conflict in relationships is to consider couples counseling. Therapy provides a safe place to share your feelings, concerns, worries, and positives in an objective forum. The therapist, who should specialize in family or couples work will be able to help develop communication skills and coping strategies. Some things to consider when seeking couples therapy:
It is normal to seek therapy
Seeking therapy does not mean that your relationship is failing or falling apart
Your therapist should not be seeing you or your partner individually as well
The therapist is not there to take sides or prove that one person is right and one is wrong
Therapy takes thought and work
The goal of couples therapy is to develop communication skills
With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the US, many individuals will be thrust back into the dating scene after being in a monogamous relationship for many years. Putting yourself out there after divorce can be downright terrifying.
Here are some suggestions for dating after divorce:
Develop and maintain a new support group. While old friends are great, new friends can help you better to adapt to your new life. When a divorce happens, generally friends take sides or refuse to get involved. They may also feel jealousy that you’re now free from your marriage. New friendships can help remind you that dating isn’t as scary as it may feel.
Remind yourself that you’re worth it, dammit! After the stress of a crumbled relationship, you may find yourself feeling particularly low about your own worth. It’s hard to not feel like the divorce was your fault – even if it wasn’t. So remind yourself every single day that you’re worth it. Make a list of awesome things about you and pull it out whenever you’re feeling low. This can avoid the trap of dating someone who, because your self-worth is so low, will treat you poorly.
Get your ass out there. You’re not going to find a romantic relationship holed up on the couch. Think of this time post-divorce as an opportunity to do the things you weren’t able to do in your marriage. Create a list of 10-15 activities you’d like to do, then follow that list. You can find romance in the most bizarre of places!
Don’t jump before looking. A lot of people, especially when we’re in emotional pain, tend to look for another relationship to jump immediately into post-divorce. Make sure you’re not doing this – it’s not healthy, it’s not appropriate, and you need to feel your feelings and heal before you jump into a new relationship.
Getting Back Into Dating After Partner Loss:
When we lose our partner to death, the very concept of dating can make us want to throw up our hands and hide. While much of the dating advice for widows is similar to that of someone who has been divorced, the grief process is much different when we’ve lost our partner.
Expect backlash – a lot of people will thumb your nose at you whenever you begin dating again – either they believe you’re “dating too soon” or “not grieving enough.” Fuck ’em. There is no timetable on grief and no rules for how and when a widow can and should date.
Reevaluate your own needs – you have the time to explore what you would want in a partner at this stage in your life. Use this opportunity to think about what an ideal relationship would look like for you; what you want out of a partner and what you can give someone in return.
Give yourself time to heal. Without allowing those wounds of losing your partner to close, you may jump into an unhealthy relationship – something you do NOT need.
Take baby steps: Take baby steps when you’re venturing into the dating world – rather than meet someone new for dinner on a moonlit yacht, catch a cup of coffee or something low-key.
Dating…With Kids:
As many of us have been divorced or widowed also have children, there is an additional element to deal with while dating: your children (or your partner’s children).
Don’t hide your children. Many people feel like having children may be seen as a downfall. Children are never downfalls or something to be “dealt with.” Be upfront about your children to your date immediately. If he or she can’t handle dating a single parent, you don’t need that person in your life.
Wait -n- See. It’s recommended that before you introduce your partner to your children, you should make sure that your relationship is going to go the distance. Children – especially small ones – get attached quickly to other adults. And if they’ve already experienced the loss of your breakup, it’s wise to wait and make sure your partner is worth it.
Presents! Kids love stuff. When you introduce your children to your partner, have your partner bring a small gift for the children. Nothing extravagant, just a little something.
Don’t force it. Try as you may want, it’s inappropriate to force your children to like your partner. It may feel daunting, especially if your children express their displeasure at your partner, but reassure them that they still matter to you.
Child neglect is a type of maltreatment in which the caregiver fails to provide needed, age-appropriate care, even though the caregiver is financially able, or would be if offered financial or other means, to do so. Neglect is often seen as an ongoing pattern of inadequate care that is easily observed by people who are in close contact with the child. Once children are in school, personnel often notice indicators of child neglect such as poor hygiene, poor weight gain, inadequate medical care, or frequent absences from school. Professionals have defined four types of neglect: physical, emotional, educational, and medical.
Child neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse in the United States. In infants, toddlers, and preschool-aged children, neglect is often reported by doctors, nurses, day care personnel, neighbors, and relatives. School-aged children suffering from signs of neglect (poor hygiene, inadequate weight gain, infrequent medical care) are often reported by school personnel. More children suffer from neglect in the United States than from physical and sexual abuse combined. The US Department of Health and Human Services found that in 2007 there were 794,000 victims of child maltreatment in the US, of those victims 59% were victims of neglect. Some researchers have proposed 5 different types of neglect: physical neglect, emotional neglect, medical neglect, mental health neglect, and educational neglect. States may code any maltreatment type that does not fall into one of the main categories – physical abuse, neglect, medical neglect, sexual abuse, and psychological or emotional maltreatment—as “other.”
In spite of this, neglect has received significantly less attention than physical and sexual abuse by practitioners, researchers, and the media. One explanation may be that neglect is so difficult to identify. Neglect often is an act of omission. But neglecting children’s needs can be just as injurious as striking out at them.
How Is Child Abuse and Neglect Defined?
From Child Welfare.Gov, the federal legislation lays the groundwork for state laws on child abuse and neglect by identifying a minimum set of behaviors or actions that define child abuse and neglect. Most state and federal child protection laws refer primarily to cases of harm caused by parents or other caregivers; they do not often include acts of harm caused by other people, such as acquaintances or strangers. Some state laws include a child witnessing domestic violence as a form of abuse or neglect.
The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) was amended and reauthorized by the CAPTA Reauthorization Act of 2010 defines child abuse and neglect as, at a bare minimum:
“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver which results in death, serious emotional or physical harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act of failure to act presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”
What Are The Types of Child Neglect?
There are four recognized types of neglect that children suffer:
Physical Child Neglect – The majority of child neglect cases involve physical neglect, which is defined as a caregiver not providing a child with the basic necessities such as clothing, food, and shelter. Physical neglect may also involve child abandonment, improper supervision, rejection of a child (leading to expulsion from the home), improper safety measures, and failure to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs.
Failure or refusal to provide a child these basic necessities endangers a child’s physical health, well-being, psychological growth and development. This may cause problems such as failure to thrive, malnutrition, chronic illness, a lifetime of low self-esteem, and injuries from improper supervision
Emotional/Psychological Child Neglect includes engaging in chronic or extreme domestic abuse in front of the child, allowing the child to abuse drugs and alcohol, refusal (or failure) to provide needed psychological care, belittling the child and withholding affection. Severe neglect of infants through failing to meet needs of stimulation and/or nurturance can lead to failure to thrive and even death.
Emotional Child Neglect also includes:
Corrupting or exploiting the child by encouraging illegal, destructive or antisocial behavior.
Ignoring the child, consistently failing to provide stimulation, nurturance, encouragement, protection, or failure to acknowledge the child’s existence.
Rejecting the child, actively refusing the child’s needs.
Verbally assaulting the child through name calling, threatening, or consistent belittlement.
Isolating the child and preventing normal social contacts with other children and/or adults.
Terrorizing the child with threats of extreme punishment, or creating a climate of terror by playing off the child’s fears.
These parental/caregiver behaviors can lead to substance use and abuse, low-self worth, suicide, and destructive behaviors in the child. Emotional child neglect is often difficult to substantiate and is generally reported secondarily to other forms of child neglect
Educational Child Neglect involves the failure of a parent/caregiver to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school or provide appropriate home schooling or special education training. This allows the child to engage in chronic truancy. Educational child neglect leads to the failure of the child to develop basic life skills, consistent disruptive behavior, and dropping out of school. It can pose a major threat to the child’s emotional well-being, physical health, and normal psychological growth, especially when the child has special educational needs.
Medical Child Neglect is the failure to provide appropriate health care for a child when financially able to do so. This places a child at risk for being seriously disabled, disfigured, or dying. Even in non-emergencies, medical neglect may result in poor physical health and additional medical problems.
Medical child neglect may occur due to religious beliefs, fear or anxiety about a medical condition and its treatment, or financial issues, including lack of insurance coverage. Situations in which Child Protective Services will generally intervene via court order include:
Child with life-threatening chronic disease is not receiving medical treatment.
Acute medical emergency requires medical intervention.
Child has a chronic condition that may cause disfigurement or disability if left untreated.
Medical child neglect is highly correlated with poverty. There is a clear-cut distinction between a parent/caregiver’s inability to provide needed care based upon cultural norms, a lack of financial resources, and a reluctance to provide care.
Children and their families may be in need of services even if the parent isn’t intentionally neglectful. If poverty is an issue, services may be offered to help families provide for their children.
What Are Some Symptoms Of Child Neglect?
Despite the overwhelming amount of children suffering neglect at home, this particular type of child abuse can be tricky to spot. Here are some possible symptoms of child neglect:
The Child:
Shows changes in behavior and/or school performance
Lacks medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses
Has learning issues (or difficulty concentrating) that can’t be attribute to a physical or psychological cause
Is always watchful, like he or she is waiting for something bad to happen
Is constantly dirty and has persistent body odor
Hasn’t received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention.
Lacks adult supervision
States that no one is home to care for him or her
Lacks sufficient clothing for the seasons (such as a missing coat)
Frequently absent from school
Abuses drugs or alcohol
Begs and/or steals money or food
The Parent/Caregiver:
Acts indifferently to the child
Seems apathetic and/or depression
Abuses drugs or alcohol
Acts irrationally or bizarrely
Why Does Child Neglect Occur?
Most parents don’t hurt or neglect their children intentionally. Many were themselves abused or neglected. Very young or inexperienced parents might not know how to take care of their babies or what they can reasonably expect from children at different stages of development. Circumstances that place families under extraordinary stress—for instance, poverty, divorce, sickness, disability—sometimes take their toll in the maltreatment of children.
Researchers propose that factors of parenting stem from the parents’ own developmental history and psychological well-being, characteristics of the family and child, and coping strategies, and resources.
There are a myriad of reasons why child neglect may occur in a household. In some cases, parents are ill-prepared for parenthood, which may be remedied by learning better parenting skills through parenting classes. Other situations that may lead to child neglect and abuse include:
Family isolation, lack of family or social support
Community violence and crime
What Is The Impact of Child Neglect?
The long-term impact and consequences of neglect in children varies wildly from person to person and depend, in part, upon several things:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
Researchers also have begun to explore why,given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” It is important to note that resilience is not an inherent trait in children but results from a mixture of both risk and protective factors that cause a child’s positive or negative reaction to adverse experiences. A number of protective factors—individually, within a family, or within a community—may contribute to an abused or neglected child’s resilience. These include positive attachment, self-esteem, intelligence, emotion regulation, humor, and independence.
Neglect can interrupt a child’s mental and physical development and lead to life-long psychological and physical problems.
Physical Health Consequences: Child abuse and neglect can have a multitude of long-term effects on physical health.
Abusive head traumaand permanent disabilities: an inflicted injury to the head and its contents caused by shaking and blunt impact, is the most common cause of traumatic death for infants. The injuries may not be immediately noticeable and may include bleeding in the eye or brain and damage to the spinal cord and neck. Significant brain development takes place during infancy, and this important development is compromised in maltreated children. One in every four victims of shaken baby syndrome dies, and nearly all victims experience serious health consequences
Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form or grow properly, resulting in impaired development. These alterations in brain maturation have long-term consequences for cognitive, language, and academic abilities and are connected with mental health disorder
Poor health and chronic illness: Several studies have shown a relationship between various forms of child maltreatment and poor health. Adults who experienced abuse or neglect during childhood are more likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, lung and liver disease, hypertension, diabetes, asthma, and obesity.
Psychological Consequences: The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect—isolation, fear, and an inability to trust—can translate into lifelong psychological consequences, including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:
Difficulties during infancy. Of children entering foster care in 2010, 16 percent were younger than 1 year. When infants and young children enter out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect, the trauma of a primary caregiver change negatively affects their attachments to others. Nearly half of infants in foster care who have experienced maltreatment exhibit some form of cognitive delay, have lower IQ scores, language difficulties, and neonatal challenges compared to children who have not been abused or neglected.
Poor mental and emotional health. Experiencing childhood trauma and adversity, such as physical or sexual abuse, is a risk factor for borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders. One study found that roughly 54 percent of cases of depression and 58 percent of suicide attempts in women were connected to adverse childhood experiences Child maltreatment also negatively impacts the development of emotion regulation, which often persists into adolescence or adulthood.
Cognitive difficulties: Researchers found that children with substantiated reports of maltreatment were at risk for severe developmental and cognitive problems, including grade repetition. More than 10 percent of school-aged children and youth showed some risk of cognitive problems or low academic achievement, 43 percent had emotional or behavioral problems, and 13 percent had both.
Social difficulties: Children who experience neglect are more likely to develop antisocial traits as they grow up. Parental neglect is associated with borderline personality disorders, attachment issues or affectionate behaviors with unknown/little-known people, inappropriate modeling of adult behavior, and aggression.
Behavioral Consequences: Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group.More than half of youth reported for maltreatment are at risk for an emotional or behavioral problem Child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:
Difficulties during adolescence: More than half of youth with reports of maltreatment are at risk of grade repetition, substance abuse, delinquency, truancy, or pregnancy. Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Victims of child sexual abuse also are at a higher risk for rape in adulthood, and the rate of risk increases according to the severity of the child sexual abuse experience(s)
Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. Several studies have documented the correlation between child abuse and future juvenile delinquency. Children who have experienced abuse are nine times more likely to become involved in other criminal activities.
Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that children who have experienced abuse or neglect will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime. In fact, male children who’ve had six or more adverse childhood experiences had an increased likelihood—of more than 4,000 percent—to use intravenous drugs later in life
Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. Data from the Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health showed that girls who experienced childhood physical abuse were 1–7 percent more likely to become perpetrators of youth violence and 8–10 percent more likely to be perpetrators of interpersonal violence (IPV). Boys who experienced childhood sexual violence were 3–12 percent more likely to commit youth violence and 1–17 percent more likely to commit IPV.
Societal Consequences: While child abuse and neglect usually occur within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.
Direct costs. The lifetime cost of child maltreatment and related fatalities in 1 year totals $124 billion, according to a study funded by the CDC. Child maltreatment is more costly on an annual basis than the two leading health concerns, stroke and type 2 diabetes. On the other hand, programs that prevent maltreatment have shown to be cost effective. The U.S. Triple P System Trial, funded by the CDC, has a benefit/cost ratio of $47 in benefits to society for every $1 in program costs.
Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences to society because of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with increased use of our health-care system, juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Prevent Child Abuse America estimates that child abuse and neglect prevention strategies can save taxpayers $104 billion each year. According to the Schuyler Center for Analysis and Advocacy (2011), every $1 spent on home visiting yields a $5.70 return on investment in New York, including reduced confirmed reports of abuse, reduced family enrollment in Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, decreased visits to emergency rooms, decreased arrest rates for mothers, and increased monthly earnings. One study found that all eight categories of adverse childhood experiences were associated with an increased likelihood of employment problems, financial problems, and absenteeism/ The authors assert that these long-term costs—to the workforce and to society—are preventable
What To Do If You Suspect Child Neglect:
If you see a case of suspected child neglect, report it first to the local child protective services. Reasonable suspicion based upon objective evidence and firsthand observations or statements from a parent or child is all that is needed to report.
Call Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child to get a referral to your local agency. Those professionals who work with children are required by law (mandated reporters) to report any reasonable suspicion of child abuse and child neglect.
Child Neglect Hotlines:
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child
National Parent Helpline: 1-855-4A PARENT – 1-855-427-2736
What Will Happen If I Report Child Neglect?
Typically, an agent from Child Protective Services will be sent to the home to assess the environment in which the children live. The agent may interview the parents, children, other family members, and neighbors to assess the gravity of the situation and gain an understanding of the contributing factors.
Child Protective Services will determine what actions the caregivers should take in order to provide the children with appropriate care. Their goal is to protect the children while enabling families to provide appropriate care and stay in tact. In some cases custody may be suspended depending upon caregiver compliance and cooperation with action plans mandated to address the neglect. It will then be determined if temporary foster care (with a family member or a caregiver in the foster care program) is needed to care for the children while the caregivers address the cited issues, or if the children should be removed from the home permanently if the caregiver does not comply.
Additional Resources for Child Abuse and Neglect:
State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies, their websites and telephone numbers.
Childhelp is a leading national non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect. Childhelp’s approach focuses on prevention, intervention and treatment. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and receives calls from throughout the United States, Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Guam.
National Parent Helpline – Being a parent is a critically important job, 24 hours a day. It’s not always easy. Call the National Parent Helpline to get emotional support from a trained Advocate and become empowered and a stronger parent.
If you are in danger because of domestic abuse, please consider contacting the following free, anonymous, and confidential national hotline to assist you in obtaining safety and identifying local resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
In America, 45-50% of first marriages end in divorce and while divorce is a fairly common occurrence, it is almost never easy. Even if the divorce is one that both partners want and is best for all concerned, involves the death of a dream and a major life change. If the end of a marriage or other primary relationship is contested or involves disputes over money or property, it becomes even more difficult. And if the relationship involves children, and especially if there are issues around child custody, the world might just feel like it’s wobbling on its axis.
Divorce creates complex emotions even if you are the one who wanted it. It is a major loss of a number of things which can explain why this process can be so painful. The types of losses and grief experienced before, during, and after the divorce are challenging under the best of circumstances and include:
Grief over the loss of a partner and the experiences you had with your partner (even if they weren’t great experiences)
Loss of support from your partner, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams you two had shared.
Actually feeling those losses and the pain they cause can be scary and overwhelming. Some people fear that these emotions are far too intense to live with and that they will be stuck in the dark space forever. It’s important to remember that grieving – no matter what – must occur in order to begin healing. The pain of grief is what lets you let go of your relationship and move on. No matter how deeply you grieve, it doesn’t last forever.
Most people dealing with a divorce will experience three stages of emotions:
Stage 1 – Shock, Denial, Anger, Sadness
Stage 2 – Adjustment
Stage 3 – Healing and Growth
Relationships with family and friends can be affected during this process, especially if you and your spouse had mutual friends or if there are many opinions surrounding your relationship. While family and friends should not be counted out entirely when considering your support network, you may want to consider additional resources to aid with the emotional impact that divorce can have on your life, such as a support group or individual therapy. Whether the end of the relationship was approaching over a long period of time or happened suddenly, it is not unusual to experience overwhelming emotions when coping with such a major life change. Professional help can be beneficial when learning new coping and/or life skills.
Ways To Handle The Grief of Divorce:
Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s imperative to identify and acknowledge these feelings, no matter how painful. Trying to suppress these feelings will only make the grieving of the loss worse.
Discuss your feelings – It can be a challenge to talk about your feelings with others, but it is extremely important to find a way to do so as you grieve your loss. Letting out your feelings so that another person can make you feel less alone and begin to heal. If you’re having too much trouble talking it out, go ahead and start a journal where you can write down your feelings.
Keep in mind that the goal is to move on – Talking about your feelings can free you a bit however, it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in the blame game, anger, and resentment will suck your energy and prevent you from moving on.
Look to the future – When you commit to another person, there are many many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a divorce, you have to grieve the loss of those dreams, which is why it’s important to remember that this too, will pass. You may have lost the future you’d dreamed of, but eventually, you’ll be okay again. Those dreams will turn into new hopes and dreams that’ll replace your old dreams.
Understand that prolonged grief can turn into depression: Emotions and grief can paralyze you after a divorce, but the sadness does eventually lift and you start moving on – little by little. If you notice that you can’t move on or begin to feel better, your grief may have become Major Depressive Disorder, which can be treated by a psychologist. Please call your doctor for any help with depression.
Why Reaching Out After Divorce Is So Important:
It may scare you to reach out to others during the divorce, especially if people have taken sides, but it’s important that you not go through this alone. You may feel alone, but support from other people can ease your pain. Don’t try to do this on your own and don’t try to suppress your feelings to make others “feel better” about your divorce.
It’s NOT your job to make others feel better about the divorce – it’s really easy to put on your Game Face and try to show the world how evolved you are, especially since it puts others at ease. This is not only not your job, but it can impede your ability to try and reach out to other people.
Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members – Almost everyone has been through a painful breakup which can make it easier to talk to them. They’ll understand what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, which can validate your feelings. You can look to these people in order to find assurances that life goes on as well as what moving on can be. This is a great opportunity to regain some of the control in your life.
Spend your time wisely – In just about every circle of family and friends, there are a few outliers: people who don’t “get it” or have chosen to take your partner’s side in the divorce. Steer clear of them. Choose wisely. The last thing you need is someone telling you that what you did was “wrong.” Choose people who support, love, and care for you as you need the lightness and positivity in your life.
Don’t feel bad about seeing someone professionally – If you can’t reach out to your friends and loved ones, or you feel as though you have none, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a counselor trained in divorce or joining a support group. You need to be where you feel free to open up. If reaching out to others.
Make new friendships – If you don’t feel as though you have friends that you can turn to, find some other people who do understand you. Write a post for The Band, Volunteer with us, hang out with people from your support group, work, or on social media.
The Divorce Process:
In most cases, it’s harder to obtain a divorce than it was the marry in the first place, as legal unions have far-reaching impacts on things like government taxes, power of attorney, and health care decisions and coverage. The longer the union lasted, the more complicated the paperwork and negotiations may be in order to obtain “dissolution.” Most states have a waiting period of at least 6 months before divorces are finalized, as well.
Couples involved in separation and divorce will likely need to make decisions regarding:
Finances
Division of belongings and/or property
Legal representation
Living arrangements
Custody arrangements if you have children
Communication with your spouse
Paperwork – how it will be filed, who will begin the process, and changes to legal documents once the divorce is finalized
These decisions can be made independently or with professional help.
Divorces Without Legal Representation
If you and your spouse do not share property or have children, you may qualify for an annulment depending upon your state’s law and the length of the union. The annulment process is sometimes simpler than a divorce and may cost less, so it is worth investigating your state’s laws.
Whether you choose annulment or dissolution, if the divorce is uncontested by your spouse there are many agencies that will prepare the necessary forms and paperwork for a fee based on the information you provide. It is important to find out whether the agency has the forms necessary for your particular state’s laws. You may also want to ask how the agency will handle the situation if the court rejects any paperwork. Not all agencies are created equally.
Mediators: Mediation can be very useful in helping two individuals compromise on decisions regarding the divorce details, parenting plans, and/or custody agreements. Mediators do not provide advice or act as lawyers – they are neutral parties that facilitate communication between spouses. Many individuals may feel more comfortable with a mediator because unlike a lawyer, a mediator does not control paperwork or get involved in court proceedings.
Divorces Requiring Legal Representation: Your divorce may require a lawyer if you and your spouse do not agree on the division of property, financial arrangements, child custody, or if there are communication difficulties. Some workplaces provide pre-paid legal services while others have Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that will offer a free consultation with a lawyer (contact your Human Resources department for information). If you have financial constraints, it is a good idea to find out ahead of time how the lawyer charges for services (i.e. is there a retainer fee and, if so, how much? will the lawyer work pro bono or for a reduced fee? can the lawyer provide an estimate of overall expense? does the lawyer charge by the hour or by the amount of paperwork, and is there an estimate based on previous experience?) and what his/her caseload is like. Legal fees can quickly add up and contribute to the stress of obtaining a divorce.
Local Divorce Assistance and Information: Your local courthouse may provide a hotline or workshop to aid in finding professional assistance or filling out and filing paperwork. These resources are usually free and can be found on the state, county, or city court’s website under the Family Law section.
Self-Care During and After the Divorce:
It’s imperative that you remember the mantra of the airplane stewards: “Put on your own mask first before you help others.” You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself first. Here are some ideas for self-care before, during, and after a divorce:
Nurture thyself – Make sure to schedule time each day for things you find soothing – go for a walk, listen to music, get a massage, talk to friends, engage in hobbies (always room to develop one)
You have needs – Your needs matter to you and to others. Don’t hesitate to express your needs, no matter how different it may be from what other people want from you. Saying “NO” is okay and shouldn’t make you feel guilty or upset for doing so. Your needs matter.
New Routine – to say “divorce changes everything,” is an understatement. It can lead you to feelings of stress, chaos, and uncertainty. It may seem a little weird to start a new routine, but it does help with your feelings and increase your feelings of normalcy. If you know what your routine is, you always know what comes next.
Take time out – Your brain may not be quite normal after a divorce, so don’t make any major life decisions for at least a few months following a divorce. You need to be less emotional and have more stability before you decide to move across the country, buying a house, or getting married again.
Don’t develop an addiction – During a divorce, you may want to do ANYTHING to make the hurt, pain, and loneliness go away. We get that. Unfortunately, using drugs, alcohol, or food to escape is not only unhealthy, but it also prohibits growth and grief and is a destructive thing to invite into your mind. You’ve got to confront those feelings, not hide from them.
New Hobbies – A divorce is an ending and a beginning. You have a unique chance to start over and be the person you always wanted to be. Start trying new things, things that make you feel good about yourself. Your past is over and moving on means (in part) that you must learn to live in the moment. You’re here now, and while it sucks, you can live in the present.
Using Your Divorce to Learn From Your Mistakes:
One of the most important things you can do after a divorce or breakup is to learn from your mistakes, rather than dwelling on them for the rest of your life. No divorce is one-sided; each partner plays a role. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes before you move on.
Ask yourself (and answer and evaluate yourself honestly):
In the big picture, how did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
Do you repeat the same mistakes?
Do you consistently choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?\Could you act in a more constructive way to your stress, conflicts, and insecurities?
Do you accept people as they are or as you want them to be?
Are you in control of your feelings or are they controlling you?
Who Gets The Pets In A Divorce?
You might think of your dog as your fur child, but the law does not agree. “In the eyes of the law, they are really no different than the silverware, the cars, the home,” says Joyce Tischler, director of litigation for the Animal Legal Defense Fund.
But in more and more American homes, splitting the pets could get pretty contentious as more couples have fewer children than a generation or two ago and view their pets as their kids or companions, owners pay $2,000 for an orthopedist to reconstruct a dog’s knee; designers such as Isaac Mizrahi create pink trench coats and white tulle bridal dresses for the fashion-conscious canine whose owner shops at Target, and high-end pet stores sell rhinestone-studded dog collars, peanut butter biscotti instead of run-of-the-mill dog treats, and strollers for the walking-averse pampered pooch.
“When you put all of that together, it’s no wonder that we’re beginning to see an increasing number of custody battles involving companion animals,” Tischler says.
Divorcing couples who fight over their pets may not be dealing with an underlying issue. An ex who takes his or her former spouse to court repeatedly over visiting Fluffy or paying veterinary bills probably is not as concerned about the dog as he or she is about controlling an ex-wife or ex-husband.
“Sometimes, in a divorce case, the pet may become a symbol of power and control and may be seen as the one entity that still loves me unconditionally,” says Nancy Peterson, an issues specialist with the Humane Society of the United States.
The legal battles involving pets can be a large emotional investment with an uncertain outcome that can run into the tens of thousands of dollars. Divorce also takes a toll on the pet. A once-energetic dog may become depressed, Peterson says. He may sleep more, eat less and lose interest in activities such as walking and playing with his owner. He may begin having accidents in the house or grooming himself excessively.
Signs of Pet Stress
They become depressed.
They sleep a lot.
Their appetite lessens.
They’re not interested in their walks or other daily activities.
They start to cry or whimper.
They groom, lick and/or bite themselves excessively.
They have accidents in the home.
Helping Pets Cope with Divorce
Decide what is best for your pet; put aside your own feelings to reach that decision. Consider such factors as who fed and cared for them before the divorce and who can afford to pay for their veterinary care, food, and other expenses.
Typically, the pet goes where the children go, and that usually means staying in the family home where the surroundings are familiar and a routine is kept.
If there’s more than one pet and these pets are bonded to each other, try to keep them together. Separating them probably wouldn’t be in their best interest.
Spend time with your pets. Play with them.
Take your pet to the veterinarian to make sure it is well physically.
Children and Divorce:
With up to half of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce – and rates of divorce higher for subsequent marriages – many children face challenges from their parents’ split that can follow them for a lifetime, including into their own relationships as adults.
Recent research evaluating the family breakdown after parents part ways discovered that while adolescent children are more likely to face short-term mental health challenges – from stress and anxiety to symptoms of depression following the split – these issues tend to relent after four to nine months. Parents must be prepared to ensure their children don’t face longer-term psychological issues; they may benefit from therapy and informal support to make certain these issues do not develop into a long-term psychological problem.t
The impact of a divorce in a child’s life is broken down into four, normal mental health challenges:
Kids have a certain amount of despondency because of the loss – they’ve lost the intact family they’ve known
Anxiety, because now the world has changed and all of a sudden the family system is being reorganized; there’s a lot that is unknown
There’s usually some anger because there’s been a violation. Kids assumed that their parents would always be together, and the family would always be intact. Instead, what’s happening is the parents are deciding to separate the family.
And, of course, there’s stress – so much to let go, so much change to adjust to.
It’s important during the transition to understand that these are normal healthy responses to the upheaval of divorce.
Ways To Help Your Kids During a Divorce:
Nothing is simple about dissolving a marriage, but experts have found straightforward steps parents can take to help children cope with divorce, including adolescents who already face everyday disruptive changes on their way to becoming adults. For example, a divorce may distract from a child’s studies or peer relationships and make it hard to focus on the challenges of simply being a kid.
The experience for every child is unique to him or her – and the circumstances of the divorce, this is a difficult transition and there are impacts for kids. But nailing down what the specific impacts are going to be – that gets a little tougher.
Reassure and listen to them – make sure your kids understand that the divorce was in no way related to them. Tell them you love them always. When they talk to you, make sure you listen and validate their concerns, fears, and pain.
Keep the schedule – If at all possible, try to stabilize the daily and weekly routines for your children
Consistency – When kids spend time with each parent separately, you’re going to have to ensure that the rules for the house are the same; such as bedtime or discipline tactics
Let them rely on you – if you promise your child that you’ll be there, be there. Remember: you shouldn’t confide in your children about your feelings; you have to be the adult to them.
Leave the kids out of conflicts – don’t talk badly about your ex, don’t argue in front of the kids, don’t have them take sides, and don’t use them as spies or messengers.
Financially Recovering From Divorce
1. Start NOW: No more procrastinating and no more excuses. By starting sooner rather than later, my client is able to take advantage of time and compound returns — a powerful combination for building wealth. This first step is sometimes the most difficult to take. It requires making a personal commitment to take action, but once it’s done the rest can come together more easily.
2. Make a List of Your Goals: Understand your goals in the context of your needs, wants, and wishes. Identifying goals helps you better understand how realistic they are, and what is needed to achieve them.
3. Make a Plan: Create a formal written financial plan with your financial planner that includes each of your stated objectives and an investing program, based on her income, specific to achieving each goal. After all, a goal without a plan is just a wish.
4. Automate Savings: It’s important to pay yourself first when you save. One of the easiest ways to do this is through an automated program that helps you to save and invest consistently during both good times and bad. You can set up automated withdrawals from your checking account to be directed into your investment accounts immediately following paydays, thereby minimizing the barriers and inertia often associated with manually monitoring a budget.
5. Control What You Can: Don’t get caught up in the hype of the moment or what the financial cable news programs are reporting each day. That’s a recipe for making emotional, reactionary decisions. Instead of worrying about all the things outside of your control, focus on your goals and the plan you’ve created to help you get there.
6. Invest in Yourself: This new chapter of your life is the perfect opportunity to invest in yourself. One of the positive outcomes of this is that it can build up greater self-esteem and confidence: go back to school, learn a trade, take classes about things related to your job or interests.
7. Live With Your Budget: As your living situation and routines change drastically, so will your expenses. Review and manage your budget so that monthly expenses remained below your take-home pay. With lingering legal fees, credit cards, education expenses, and a mortgage, paying off debt requires spending less than you earn. While this can be quite a lifestyle shock at first, creating responsible, new spending habits and accepting how to live within your means is a priority.
8. Manage Risk: An emergency fund with accessible cash reserves (along with sufficient insurance coverage) can protect you and your loved ones against loss or an unexpected event.
9. Monitor Your Portfolio: After a divorce, your investment portfolio and overall asset allocation need to be updated. Other major events that could trigger review and adjustment of a financial plan include getting married, switching jobs, buying a home, dealing with a health crisis, and entering retirement. Remain committed to regularly reviewing and updating your portfolio to keep it aligned with your objectives, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
10. Get a Fresh Perspective: Find ways to recharge your batteries. After all, that’s what financial freedom is all about.
Challenges For Those Who Divorce Over Fifty
Divorce at this age can be financially devastating. The cost of living is considerably more when you’re single rather than when two of you share expenses, 40% to 50% higher than for couples on a per person basis, according to the American Academy of Actuaries. More worrisome, a mid- to later-life split can shatter retirement plans. There’s less time to recoup losses, pay off debt, and weather stock market fluctuations. In addition, you may be approaching the end of your peak earning years, so there’s less of a chance of making up financial shortfalls with a steady salary.
These concerns are magnified for women. After a divorce, household income drops by about 25% for men and more than 40% for women, according to U.S. government statistics. What’s more, as women’s life expectancy climbs into the 80s, a divorced woman can find herself living a lot longer with a lot less. Divorce proceedings can pull the plug on your retirement dreams: legal fees, therapist bills and single-handedly shouldering bills you once shared can drain your savings. You can protect your financial future by avoiding these seven all-too-common mistakes:
Failing To Understand The Assets At Stake: Often one partner has a better understanding of the couple’s finances than the other. This person likely has a solid idea of how much money their investment accounts hold, the value of their assets and how much cash is in their savings accounts, while the other partner isn’t as up to speed. If you’re the latter person, you’ll want to take an inventory of all the assets before attempting to split them up. In addition to knowing what’s in your bank accounts, you should also track your retirement accounts and life insurance policies.
Staying in Your House: If you end up with the family home, think long and hard about whether to keep it. It may be your refuge, and not moving might seem less disruptive for any children still living at home, but it can also be a money pit, especially with only one person paying for the upkeep, property taxes and emergency repairs. Before deciding to stay, figure out if you can afford the mortgage, as well as the costs associated with maintaining the property. Also, keep in mind that property values fluctuate, so don’t assume you can sell your house for a given amount should you need money.
What Do You Owe? Promising “to have and to hold” can bounce back to bite you. In the nine states with community property laws—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin—you’ll be held responsible for half of your spouse’s debt even if the debt isn’t in your name. Even in non-community-property states, you may be liable for jointly held credit cards or loans. Get a full credit report for both you and your spouse, so there are no surprises about who owes what.
The Tax Man: Just about every financial decision you make during a divorce comes with a tax bill. Should you take monthly alimony or a lump sum payment? Is it better to have the brokerage account or the retirement plan? Keep the house or sell it? And who should pay the mortgage until it sells? You may be excited to know your soon-to-be-ex will be handing over an investment account with gains of $100,000, but that portfolio comes with a tax hit, lowering the amount you’ll receive. Even providing child support can have tax implications, so consult an accountant or tax advisor to determine what makes the most sense for your situation before divvying up assets.
Health Insurance: If you’ve been covered by your spouse’s policy, you may be in for a nasty—and expensive—surprise, especially if you divorce before Medicare kicks in at age 65. Basically, there are three options:
You can be covered through your own employee
You can sign up for your state’s health care exchange under the Affordable Care Act
You can continue to use your ex’s existing coverage through COBRA for up to 36 months, but the cost is likely to be substantially more than it was before the divorce.
If new, separate health insurance policies threaten to break the bank, you may want to consider a legal separation so you can keep your ex’s health insurance but separate your other assets.
Supporting Your Adult Kids: No matter how much you’d like to help your kids, your first priority is to ensure you have a healthy retirement income.
Hiding Assets From Your Partner: In divorces where a lot of money is at stake, you may be tempted to try to hide assets so it looks like you have less money to contribute. Doing this is not only shady, but it’s also illegal and could set you up for more legal fees and court time if the assets are found. Some of the repercussions for hiding assets from your spouse include a settlement that will give your spouse additional assets, a contempt of court ruling, or fraud or perjury charges.
Underestimating Your Expenses: When the income that once covered one set of household expenses is suddenly divided in two, you may have to make some changes to your spending to afford your daily and monthly expenses. Take a realistic look at how much money you’ll need to live on and make sure you can cover all of your expenses after the divorce without relying on your ex.
Divorce Advisors Are Not Your BFF: What you pay your divorce advisors comes out of the settlement you get. Keep track of how much they are spending on your behalf. Remember that your lawyer is not a generous confidante whom you can thank with a cup of coffee, but a paid professional who is billing you by the hour.
Additional Divorce Resources:
Divorce Support – provides information on a range of family law topics including divorce and related topics, as well as state-specific legal information
While we here at Band Back Together work tirelessly to collect hotline numbers, it’s not always possible for us to vet each number. If a hotline number is no longer functional or is in bad taste, please send an email to becky@bandbacktogether.com with the phone number so we can remove it.
A safe space to talk about abortion experiences by offering a talkline providing unbiased support and encouragement of self-care for people who have had an abortion.
ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.
Call our national helpline and speak to a member of our trained team. Our helpline is open Monday to Friday, 10.00am-5.30pm.
Call 0845 077 2290 or 0207 713 7486 from a mobile.
To speak to an information support specialist, please contact us at 1.800.394.3366 between 9:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. (ET)
For questions regarding our services, website, or website content, contact info@childwelfare.gov
Use Live Chat(opens in new window), an instant messaging service, to contact an information support specialist between 10 a.m. and 5 p.m. (ET). We recommend turning off your pop-up blocker to maximize this service.
NCADD focuses on increasing public awareness and understanding of the diseases of alcohol and drug dependence through education, prevention, information and referral, intervention, treatment services, advocacy, and recovery support services.
Confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
NCADD focuses on increasing public awareness and understanding of the diseases of alcohol and drug dependence through education, prevention, information and referral, intervention, treatment services, advocacy, and recovery support services.
Confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Offers confidential support and information to people living with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, caregivers, families, and the public.
We are available around the clock, 365 days a year at 800.272.3900 (TTY: 866.403.3073).
Click the “Live Chat” green button on this page to connect with a member of our Helpline staff. Live chat is typically available from 7a.m.-7p.m. (CST) Monday through Friday.
Online.Use this form to let us know how we can help you. We will respond to you within 24 hours.
Offers information on diagnosis, treatment, patient care, caregiver needs, long-term care, and research and clinical trials related to Alzheimer’s disease.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
Is a non-profit organization that funds research into cures for Alzheimer’s disease, macular degeneration and glaucoma, and provides the public with information about risk factors, preventative lifestyles, available treatments and coping strategies.
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
The IRS Employee Plans maintains the Abusive Transaction Hotline that people can use to share information (anonymously, if preferred) about abusive tax shelters and emerging issues that may be abusive in retirement plans.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
We lead the fight for the arthritis community through life-changing information and resources, access to optimal care, advancements in science and community connections.
The Arthritis National Research Foundation provides arthritis research grants to scientists at major universities and research institutes across America.
Contact the Arthritis National Research Foundation office through this form or by dialing (800) 588-2873 or (562) 437-6808
National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases Information Clearinghouse
The mission of the National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases is to support research into the causes, treatment, and prevention of arthritis and musculoskeletal and skin diseases; the training of basic and clinical scientists to carry out this research; and the dissemination of information on research progress in these diseases.
HelpLine is a FREE call-back or email service available to all Canadians. Whether you have asthma and other respiratory allergies or are a caregiver, our team of expert CREs can support you.Asthma Canada
The American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association is dedicated to the eradication of autoimmune diseases and the alleviation of suffering and the socioeconomic impact of autoimmunity through fostering and facilitating collaboration in the areas of education, public awareness, research, and patient services in an effective, ethical and efficient manner.
NORD works with pharmaceutical companies to ensure that vital medications are available to those in need. They currently offer a program to assist with premiums and co-pays for PNH patients.
Patients can contact NORD’s Patient Services Representatives at 1-800-999-6673
Si deseas hablar con alguien en espanol por favor llame al (844) 259-7178 para asistencia.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
The Child Death Helpline is a helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult, under any circumstances, however recently or long ago.
Email: contact@childdeathhelpline.org
Freephone: 0800 282 986
Additional Freephone number for ALL mobiles: 0808 800 6019
Can guide you through the grieving process and empower you to help other families facing the same tragedy.
For Immediate Grief Support, Call 1-800-221-7437.
Counselors are available 24/7
Guiding Light – Stillbirth – Red Nose Grief and Grieving – Australia
Welcome to Red Nose Grief and Loss (formerly SIDS and Kids). With over 40 years’ experience supporting grieving individuals and families, we understand the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or young child is one of the most difficult experiences any person will face
Saying Goodbye provides comprehensive information, advice, support and much more to anyone who has suffered the loss of a baby, at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, whether the loss be recent or historic.
Specializes in providing beautiful small baby caskets and burial products for families suffering the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or preemie death.
Comfort Zone Camp is a nonprofit 501(c)3 bereavement organization that transforms the lives of children who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver.
Our programs are free of charge and include confidence building activities and age-based support groups that break the emotional isolation grief often bring
SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child)
The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID the Foundation for the Study of Infant Death) (UK)
Lullaby funds research, supports bereaved families and promotes safe baby care advice, including helpline for bereaved parents and their families, friends, neighbours and anyone else who has experienced the sudden death of a baby.
1st Breath works with parents who are experiencing the stillbirth of their baby from the time they learn the baby has died throughout their grief journey
One very important resource is having support and guidance as you prepare for your baby’s birth. Contact Loss Doulas International to make birth planning and companioning available to families in need when their child is to be born still, miscarried, or has a condition that is incompatible with life and likely will not live long after birth.
Sands provide support for bereaved parents and their families when their baby dies, before, during or soon after birth as well as information and support for healthcare professionals.
International Society for the Study and Prevention of Perinatal and Infant Death
The International Society for the Study and Prevention of Perinatal and Infant Death (ISPID) is a not-for-profit organization that is leading the world in discovering evidence-based preventive measures for stillbirth and sudden infant death.
ISPID also works to promote improved quality, standardization of care for bereaved parents, and networking families, professionals, and scientists through resource sharing
Guiding Light – Stillbirth – Red Nose Grief and Grieving – Australia
Welcome to Red Nose Grief and Loss (formerly SIDS and Kids). With over 40 years’ experience supporting grieving individuals and families, we understand the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or young child is one of the most difficult experiences any person will face
The Ectopic Pregnancy Foundation has been established with the aim of improving the care of women with a diagnosis, or possible diagnosis, of ectopic pregnancy. We hope to reduce the morbidity and maternal mortality caused by this common condition.
ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.
Call our national helpline and speak to a member of our trained team. Our helpline is open Monday to Friday, 10.00am-5.30pm.
Call 0845 077 2290 or 0207 713 7486 from a mobile.
Miscarriage Hotlines:
This UK-based hotline provides information and support for people affected by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy.
They also provide a helpline: 01924 200 799.
The helpline is available Monday through Friday 9AM to 4PM UK Time (5 hours ahead of EST).
SUDC Program Hotline for helping navigate the autopsy and scene investigation: 1-800-620-SUDC.
helps to cover the myriad costs associated with transplants, such as donor searches, compatibility testing, bone marrow harvesting, medications, home and child care services, medical equipment, transportation, cord blood banking, housing, and other expenses
Open Homes Medical Stays – a partnership with Airbnb’s Open Homes Medical Stays program provides free temporary accommodations to patients diagnosed with any form of cancer or undergoing a hematopoietic stem cell transplant, as well as housing for their caregivers, family members, and donors.
Scholarship Grants offers survivors support towards an academic future so their hopes and dreams remain intact. Scholarship Grants supports students of all ages as they pursue their educational goals.
Helping clients and families how to bring together a network of relatives, friends, and neighbors in fundraising efforts to help cover the costs of uncovered medical expenses
Case Management Professional case managers at PAF work with the mission to identify and reduce the challenges that individuals like yourself are having when seeking care for their disease.
Co-Pay Relief Program patient assistance is purely donor-funded and money is dispersed to qualified patients while funds are available for each of the Diseases identified.
Largest of several US federal programs that provide assistance to people with disabilities.
(800) 772-1213
CancerCare
CancerCare® Co-Payment Assistance Foundation (CCAF) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping patients afford their co-payments for chemotherapy and targeted treatment drugs.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
The HealthWell Foundation provides financial assistance to eligible individuals to cover coinsurance, copayments, health care premiums and deductibles for certain medications and therapies. They have a pediatric assistance fund regardless of disease.
The Julia’s Wings Foundation (JWF) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization with the mission of providing assistance to families of children with the life threatening hematological diseases; aplastic anemia, MDS and PNH.
NORD works with pharmaceutical companies to ensure that vital medications are available to those in need. They currently offer a program to assist with premiums and co-pays for PNH patients.
Patients can contact NORD’s Patient Services Representatives at 1-800-999-6673
Si deseas hablar con alguien en espanol por favor llame al (844) 259-7178 para asistencia.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
Dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential.
Hotline: 1 (800) 422 – 4453
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and text.
A program of Boystown USA and is available to children, parents, and families who are struggling with self-harm, mental health disorders, and abuse.
Hotline: 1 (800) 448 – 3000
Text: Text VOICE to 20121 (hours vary)
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone, email, text, and online chat.
The Childhelp National Child Abuse HotlineChildren In Immediate Risk or Danger 1-800-THE-LOSTChild Abuse National Hotline: 1-800-252-2873 (1-800-25ABUSE)
Parenting Support: 1-800-CHILDREN
First Steps (East Valley Child Crisis Center) for child abuse prevention: 1-480-969-2308.
Helpline for Children – Toll-Free in BC (no area code needed) 310.1234
Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-342-3720
Family Violence Prevention Fund: 1-415-252-8900
Day Care Complaint Line: 1-800-732-5207
CyberTipline for reporting the exploitation of children: 1-800-843-5678
Friends of Battered Women and Their Children: 1-800-603-HELP
Kid Help – Children and adolescents in crisis: 1-800-543-7283
Children of Alcoholics:
National Association for Children of Alcoholics: 1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline: 1-800-344-2666
Suicide & Depression Hotline – Covenant House 800-999-9999
Disaster Distress:
SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline (USA) is a national hotline dedicated to providing immediate crisis counseling for people who are experiencing emotional distress related to any natural or human-caused disaster.
Open 24/7, 365-day-a–year
Call 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746
Provides counseling in 100 other languages via 3rd-party interpretation services
Disabilities Hotlines:
The Americans With Disabilities Act Information and Assistance Hotline: 1-800-514-0301
TTY: 1-800-514-0383
International: 1-202-541-0301
Domestic Or Intimate Partner Violence Abuse Hotlines:
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
If you have questions, are aware of suspicious activities, or believe you have experienced commodity futures trading, commodity options trading or foreign currency trading (forex) fraud, please let the CFTC know immediately.
IRS Employee Plans maintains the Abusive Transaction Hotline that people can use to share information (anonymously, if preferred) about abusive tax shelters and emerging issues that may be abusive in retirement plans.
The LGBT National Help Center serves gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning people by providing free and confidential peer support and local resources.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
GMHC AIDS Hotline: 1-800-AIDS-NYC (1-800-243-7692) TTY: 1-212-645-7470
General AIDS hotline for those worried that they may be infected, or people trying to access New York City AIDS resource: 1-212-807-6655
CDC Business and Labor Resource Service (HIV at Work): 1-877-242-9760 TTY: 1-800-243-7012
HIV Health InfoLine (by Project Inform) 1-888-HIV-INFO (1-888-448-4636)
Non-judgmental volunteer operators listen to callers, share their own stories and provide calm, clear and encouraging information about HIV disease and its care.
National Association of People With AIDS Hotline: 1-240-247-0880
To find HIV Testing Centers 1-800 CDC-INFO (1-800-232-4636).
Women Alive: 1-800-554-4876 International: 1-323-965-1564
A national hotline staffed by HIV-positive women. Geared for HIV-positive women who would like peer support or treatment information. Spanish speaking operators are available.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
A national anti-trafficking hotline serving victims and survivors of human trafficking and the anti-trafficking community in the United States. The toll-free hotline is available to answer calls from anywhere in the country, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year in more than 200 languages.
Hotline: 1-888-373-7888
Text: 233733
Kids Hotlines:
Phone Friend: 1-602-253-9099. Phone line for school-age home alone children.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
Provides emotional support, technical advice, and information to current victims of online abuse. It has served over 5,000 victims of nonconsensual pornography (NCP), recorded sexual assault (RSA) and sextortion.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD): 1-800-223-6233.
Disabled Parents: 1-623-872-3822
Covenant House Crisis Line for youth, teen and families: 1-800-999-9999
Pediatric Health Hotlines:
HealthWell Foundation
The HealthWell Foundation provides financial assistance to eligible individuals to cover coinsurance, copayments, health care premiums and deductibles for certain medications and therapies. They have a pediatric assistance fund regardless of disease.
The Julia’s Wings Foundation (JWF) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization with the mission of providing assistance to families of children with the life threatening hematological diseases; aplastic anemia, MDS, and PNH.
Call: (860) 355-3653
Email info@juliaswings.org
Pet Loss Hotlines:
US Pet Loss Hotlines:C.A.R.E. Pet Loss Helpline – (877) 394-CARE (2273)
Thursday’s Child’s National Youth Advocacy Hotline at 1-800-USA KIDS
National Hotline for Missing and Exploited Children: 1-800-843-5678
National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-621-4000
Child Find of America Hotline: 1-800-I-AM-LOST (1-800-426.5678)
CONFIDENTIAL Runaway Hotline: 1-800-231-6946
Parent Abduction Hotline: 1-800-292-9688
Self-Injury Hotlines:
National Self-Injury Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Service Animal Hotlines:
Access to public places with a service dog and other rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA): Department of Justice at (800) 514-0301; TTY (800) 514-0383;
Housing with a Service Animal: Department of Housing and Urban Development at (202) 708-1112; TTY (202) 708-1455;
Traveling with a Service Animal: Department of Transportation at (202) 366-4000
Bringing your Service Animal to Work: Job Accommodation Network, a free service of the Office of Disability Employment Policy of the Department of Labor, at (800) 526-7234
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
Lifeline Chat is a service of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, connecting individuals with counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S.
National Adolescent Suicide Hotline: 1-800-621-4000Boys Town Suicide and Crisis Line: 1-800-448-3000 or 1-800-448-1833 (TDD)
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Youth Talkline provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
For teens and young adults up to age 25
1-800-246-7743
Hotline hours are Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
Peovides telephone peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for our senior community. No matter where they live, LGBT seniors have a place to call when they need peer-support, information and local resources.
1-888-234-7243
Hotline hours are Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
Children’s National Medical Center Gender and Sexuality Advocacy and Education: (202) 884-2504
There are no “better” or “worse” cases of domestic abuse and domestic violence. If you are victim of domestic abuse, it’s not okay. You may feel terrified; unsure of how to get help, or how to get out of the situation.
Know this: there is help available.
First, understand the Cycle of Domestic Abuse:
Abuse: The abuser lashes out in a power play designed to show the victim who the boss is.
Guilt: The abuser feels guilt, not for what he’s done, but over being caught for his abusive behavior.
Excuses: The abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The abuser may rationalize what he/she has done by making up excuses or blaming the victim. Anything but take responsibility for his/her actions.
“Normal” Behavior: Abuser tries to regain control of victim to keep victim in relationship. May act like nothing has happened. May turn on the charm. This may make the victim think that the abuser has really changed.
Fantasy/Planning: Abuser fantasizes about next abuse. Spends much time deciding what to punish victim for and how he’ll/she’ll make victim pay. Then he/she makes a plan to turn the abuse into a reality.
Set-up: Abuser sets victim up, puts plan into motion to create a situation to justify abuse.
Help! I’m In An Abusive Relationship:
If you are in an abusive relationship, you may want to downplay the abuse, telling yourself “it’s not so bad,” or “so many other people have it so much worse.” But that’s irrelevant – if you’re being abused even a “little,” it’s too much. Why? Domestic violence often escalates from threats to verbal abuse to physical abuse. And NO ONE deserves to be abused.
Here are some tips for handling domestic abuse.
First, are you being abused? It’s REALLY hard to know what’s abuse and what’s not. Recognizing abuse as abuse is the first step to getting help.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Does Your Partner:
Embarrass you or put you down?
Act in a way that scares you?
Isolate you from your friends and family?
Take your money or refuse to give you money when you ask?
Make all of the decisions for you?
Tell you you’re a crappy parent and threaten to take away your kids?
Prevent you from going to work or school?
Act like hurting you is no big deal?
Stop you from seeing you friends or family?
Intimidate you with guns or knives?
Shove you, hit you or slap you around?
Threaten suicide?
Threaten to kill you or someone you love?
Use your pets and/or farm animals to control, punish, manipulate or exact revenge on you?
If the answer to even ONE question is “yes,” you may be in an abusive relationship.
Call the National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224.
Domestic Abuse/Violence and Safety Planning:
Safety planning is critical for someone involved in an abusive relationship. You can start planning while you’re still in a relationship with your abuser or after the relationship is over. If you’re in a domestically abusive relationship, your safety is VERY important.
Here are some tips for safety plans in an abusive relationship. Following these suggestions does NOT mean you’ll be 100% safe, but it can absolutely help.
Personal Safety For Domestic Abuse:
Be on the lookout for the red-flags that abuser is getting upset and may be ready to strike out in anger and try to come up with a couple reasons to get out of the house. These can be used at any time you’re in immediate danger
Identify your partner’s use of force so you can assess the danger to yourself and your children before it occurs.
Try to avoid any episodes of abuse by leaving.
Identify safe areas of the home where there are no weapons and ways to escape. Try to move to those areas if an argument occurs. Avoid enclosed spaces with no exits. If you can, get to a room with a phone or a window.
Don’t run to the location of your children – your partner may hurt them too.
Keep a phone accessible at all times if possible. Make sure you know the numbers (local women’s shelter, local police) to call for help.
If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target: dive into a corner, curl up into a ball, protecting your face with both arms around the side of your head, entwining your fingers.
Let friends and trusted neighbors know that you are in an abusive situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need their help.
Teach children how to go and get help.
Make sure your children know to NEVER get in the middle of violence between you and your partner.
Develop a code word, gesture, or symbol to use when the children should leave the house or go get help. Teach the code word to EVERYONE you know.
Explain that violence – even if it’s committed by someone they love – is not right. Explain that the violence is not their fault and that when someone is violent, it’s important to stay safe.
Practice a plan with your children (and yourself) for a safe escape.
Plan for what to do if your children tell your partner of the escape plan.
Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
Make a habit of keeping the car backed into the driveway and full of gas. Keep the driver’s door unlocked.
Don’t wear long scarves or jewelry that can be used to strangle you.
Call a domestic hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive relationship.
Keep any evidence of abuse – like pictures, emails, texts, or voicemail messages.
Keep a journal of all violent incidents, noting dates, threats, and events. Keep it in a safe place your abuser won’t find it.
Know where to get help – tell someone what is happening to you.
If you’re injured, go to the ER and report the abuse. Make certain they document your visit.
Contact a local battered women’s shelter to find out about local laws and resources before you have to leave. Contact a family shelter for men, or for women with children.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them – a room with a lock, or a friend’s house they can go for help. Reassure them that it is YOUR job to protect them, not theirs to protect you.
Try to set some money aside (have friends or family hold it).
Start getting together some job skills or take some classes at a local college so you can become self-sufficient.
Have pets vaccinated and licensed in your name to establish ownership.
General Guidelines for Leaving An Abusive Relationship:
You may ask for a police stand-by or escort while you leave.
Ask for help from animal care and control officers or law enforcement if pets need to be retrieved from the abuser. Never reclaim animals alone.
If you’re sneaking away, be prepared.
Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
Plan for a quick escape.
Put aside emergency money.
Hide an extra set of keys.
Pack a bag – extra clothes, medications, documents – and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try not to use the homes of next-door neighbors, close family, and mutual friends as your abuser may attempt to follow you there.
Take with you important phone numbers as well as these documents:
Driver’s license
Regularly-needed medication
Credit-cards
Pay stubs
Checkbooks
If you have time, also take:
Passport
Titles, deeds, other property information
Medical records
Children’s school and immunization schedule
Insurance information
Copy of birth certificates, marriage license, mortgage, and will
Verification of social security numbers
Welfare identification
Pictures, jewelry or other personal possessions.
Pet vaccination records, pet license, pet medical records, and other pet documents.
Creating a false trail may be helpful – call motels, real estate agencies, and schools in a town at LEAST six hours from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to the house to leave a record of phone numbers.
After You Leave A Domestically Abusive Relationship:
If you’re getting a restraining order and your abuser is leaving:
Be certain to change locks and phone numbers.
Change work hours and route taken to work.
Change route you take you kids to school.
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
Because animals are considered property in all 50 states, include them in temporary restraining orders.
Let friends, neighbors and employers know that you have a restraining order in effect.
Tell people who take care of your children who is allowed to pick up your children. Explain the situation and provide a restraining order.
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and friends.
Call law enforcement to enforce the restraining order.
Protect Your Privacy:
Computer Safety:
You are safest on a computer outside your home.
Be cautious on email, text, messenger, or on social media if you are seeking help for domestic violence that way. Your abuser may be able to access your account.
Change usernames and passwords for all accounts. Even if you believe that your abuser doesn’t have access to them, there are keylogging programs that can easily determine that information.
Phone Safety:
Get caller ID and ask the phone company to block so that no one will be able to see your phone number when you call.
Use corded phones rather than cordless telephones. Corded phones are harder to tap.
Use a prepaid phone card or call collect so that the charges don’t appear on your phone bill.
Check your cell phone settings as there are many technologies that your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location, even if you do not answer the phone.
Get your own cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about.
Safety After You’ve Left:
Get an unlisted phone number.
Use a PO Box rather than home address or use the address of a friend.
Be careful of giving out your new address.
Apply for state’s address confidentiality program (it will confidentially forward all mail to your home).
Cancel all old bank accounts and credit cards. When you open new accounts, use a new bank.
Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
