Stress Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 29, 2018

What is Stress?

Stress is something that we are all familiar with to a certain degree. It is your natural reaction to any kind of stimuli, both good and bad. It can be good when it motivates us to get things done or confront a fear but there is also bad stress. Bad stress is the kind brought on by getting stuck in traffic, bad news from a friend or family member, money woes, or something job-related. It can last a little while or for a long time.

Technically speaking, stress is difficult to define because it is a subjective assessment of our physical, emotional, and psychological selves. Something that makes you feel overwhelmed may not bother a friend at all.

On a biological level, stress can play an important role in the “fight or flight” response that is garnered when we are in a situation of potential danger.

Physiological changes include increased heart rate, dilated pupils, and increased adrenaline, to name a few. These changes allow your body to react most efficiently in a situation that we either need to react to physically (fight response) or to escape from (flight response).

Prolonged periods of stress eventually cause your body to begin shutting down because of the intense toll it can take on your body. There is a balance to how much stress is easily managed but is not so stressful that it disrupts our lives.

If 100 people were asked about stress, what their stressors are, and how they feel stress, you would likely get 100 different answers. Stress is a very subjective feeling, meaning that it can be difficult to measure. We all feel stress differently, at different levels, and about different instigators. However, there is some overlap in the types of responses to stress.

According to the American Institute of Stress, the current definition is “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” Essentially, stress is a response to a certain type (or types) of stimuli.

Is All Stress Bad?

Stress is caused by both good and bad things in our lives and it is important to remember that just because it is good stress does not mean we will not have an adverse reaction to it. Stress can be exhibited in a number of physiological ways: pain, sweating, headache, high blood pressure, lowered immune system, nervousness, and upset stomach.

Similarly, stress may be expressed emotionally in some of the following ways: anger, anxiety, depression, irritability, restlessness, sadness, fatigue, or insomnia.

When stress takes a physiological toll on your body, your body attempts to compensate. Often our behaviors change to reflect these attempts to compensate; we may alter our diet, sleep pattern, activity, or drug or substance use.

However, there are a number of ways to manage and treat stress.

Stress is not always a bad thing. Stress is simply the body’s response to changes that create taxing demands. There’s a difference between positive and negative stress. Positive stress has the following effects:

• Motivates you
• Well within our coping abilities
• Feels exciting
• Improves performance

Examples of positive personal stressors include:

• Receiving a promotion or raise at work
• Starting a new job
• Marriage
• Buying a home
• Having a child
• Moving
• Taking a vacation
• Holiday seasons
• Retiring
• Taking educational classes or learning a new hobby

In contrast, distress, or negative stress, has the following characteristics:

• Causes anxiety or concern
• Can be short- or long-term
• Is outside of our coping abilities
• Feels unpleasant
• Decreases performance
• Can lead to mental and physical problems

It’s hard to distinguish stressors into those that cause positive stress and those that cause distress, as everyone reacts to situations differently. The following is a generalized list of negative personal stressors, including:

• The death of a spouse
• Filing for divorce
• Losing contact with loved ones
• The death of a family member
• Hospitalization (oneself or a family member)
• Injury or illness (oneself or a family member)
• Being abused or neglected
• Separation from a spouse or committed relationship partner
• Conflict in interpersonal relationships
• Bankruptcy/Money Problems
• Unemployment
• Sleep problems
• Children’s problems at school
• Legal problems

Work and employment concerns such as those listed below are also frequent causes of distress:

• Excessive job demands
• Job insecurity
• Conflicts with teammates and supervisors
• Inadequate authority necessary to carry out tasks
• Lack of training necessary to do the job
• Making presentations in front of colleagues or clients
• Unproductive and time-consuming meetings
• Commuting and travel schedules

Stressors aren’t always created from outside forces. In fact, internal feelings, thoughts, and habitual behaviors can lead to negative stress as well.

Common internally-based sources of distress can involve:

• Fears: (e.g., fears of flying, heights, public speaking, chatting with strangers at a party)
• Repetitive Thought Patterns
• Worrying about future events (e.g., waiting for medical test results or job restructuring)
• Unrealistic, perfectionist expectations

Habitual behavior patterns that can lead to stress include:

• Over-scheduling
• Lack of assertiveness
• Procrastination
• Failing to plan ahead

When Are You Most Vulnerable to Stress?

People are most susceptible to stress when they are:

• Not getting enough sleep
• Don’t have a support network
• Undergoing a major life change such as moving, the death of a loved one, starting a new job, having a child or getting married
• Experiencing poor physical health
• Not eating well

Everyone has his own threshold. Certain things that may upset you out might not even make one of your friends raise an eyebrow. Some people are affected when they experience large crowds and noisy environments, while others react to silence and free time.

What Are The Different Types of Stress?

Managing stress can be complex as there are different types of stress: acute, chronic, and episodic stress. Each type of stress has its own causes, symptoms, duration, and treatment. The different types of stresses are as follows:

Acute Stress: Acute stress is the most common type of stress as it is related to pressures and the demands of the past, as well as the anticipated pressures that will occur in the future. For some, acute stress feels exhilarating, but the longer the duration, the more exhausting stress becomes. Overdoing acute, short-term stress can cause many of the unpleasant symptoms associated with stress. Luckily, most people recognize it when they are facing acute stress: it’s a major list of the things that have been troubling in their life.

Fortunately, acute stress is short-term, meaning that it doesn’t have the chance to do the damage that long-term stress creates. The most common symptoms of short-term stress can include:

Acute stress can crop up in anyone’s life, and it is highly treatable and manageable.

• emotional distress
• tension headache
• back and jaw pain
• heartburn
• indigestion
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• elevated blood pressure
• shortness of breath
• heart palpitations or rapid heartbeat
• dizziness
• migraines

Episodic Acute Stress: Unfortunately, there are people who do suffer acute stress more than others and whose lives are in total chaos and crisis mode. Many people who suffer episodic acute stress deal with lives that are a study in Murphy’s Law (if something can go wrong, it does). These people may take on too much, can’t quite organize themselves, are often late, and have many self-inflicted pressures and demands. These individuals tend to always be in the cross-hairs of acute stress. People who have episodic acute stress may come across as grumpy, irritable, tense, and anxious and may even call themselves “a bundle of nervous energy.”

There are those, however, who suffer acute stress frequently, whose lives are so disordered that they are studies in chaos and crisis. They’re always in a rush, but always late. If something can go wrong, it does. They take on too much, have too many irons in the fire, and can’t organize the slew of self-inflicted demands and pressures clamoring for their attention. They seem perpetually in the clutches of acute stress. Work, especially, can cause a lot of stress for these people.

Many people who suffer episodic acute stress also consider themselves to have a Type A personality, marked by an extremely competitive focus, aggressiveness, impatience, and a sense of urgency, hostility, and insecurity. These personality identifiers cause frequent episodes of acute stress. (Type A individuals are also at a greater risk to develop coronary heart disease than Type B individuals, who have a much more laid back attitude).

Other people may find they have episodes of free-form anxiety and endlessly worry about events outside of their control. This too can cause episodic acute stress. These people often see disaster around every corner, pessimistically deal with every situation, always expecting catastrophe. These people may feel that the world is an unsafe, dangerous, and punishing place, and they tend to feel more depressed and anxious than Type A personalities.

The symptoms of episodic acute stress are the symptoms of extended overarousal:

• persistent tension headaches
• migraines
• hypertension
• chest pain
• heart disease

Often, lifestyle and personality issues are so ingrained and habitual with these individuals that they see nothing wrong with the way they conduct their lives. They blame their woes on other people and external events. Frequently, they see their lifestyle, their patterns of interacting with others, and their ways of perceiving the world as part and parcel of who and what they are.

Sometimes both lifestyle and personality issues are so firmly habitual that people who live in a state of episodic acute stress see their lifestyle as normal; often blaming their problems on external events and other people. Many times, these people see their life, the way they interact with other people and their environment as a part of who they are at their core. These beliefs often mean that the sufferers of episodic acute stress resist change at all cost. They may only seek help with the promise of release from pain and discomfort of their symptoms.

Chronic Stress: is the most difficult of all types of stress. Where acute stress can feel glamorous and exciting, chronic stress is the opposite. Chronic stress grinds people down day after day, year after year until treatment or death occurs. Chronic stress is terrible on the body – it destroys our bodies, minds, and even life. Chronic stress can occur from a number of difficult situations: poverty, mentally ill or dysfunctional families, or being trapped in an abusive relationship.

People facing chronic stress never see a way out of their awful situation. The unrelenting demands and pressures of daily life wear these people down, and without any hope of a reprieve, these people often give up looking for solutions. This may be caused by:

• Chronic stress may be caused by traumatic, early childhood experiments that people have internalized (thus remaining present and painful)
• Some experiences that majorly affect personality
• Seeing or believing something that causes unending stress (you must be perfect, the world is a bad place).

Recovery from these types of chronic stressors includes introspection and self-examination.

Unfortunately, chronic stress is often just swept away as a “part of life,” and people forget it’s there. Chronic stress is terrible on the body and mind and can lead to death by:

• Suicide
• Violence
• Heart attack
• Stroke

People experiencing long-term chronic stress finally wear themselves down to a final and fatal breakdown as their physical and mental resources are depleted over time. Treating the symptoms of chronic stress is challenging and may require medical treatment, stress management, and behavioral treatments.

How to Manage Stress:

• Exercise is known to help relieve stress. It is the most effective way of reducing cortisol, which is a chemical released into your body that is directly tied to stress. Being active also helps reset your body’s responses and disengage the “fight or flight” response.
• Understand your stress As everyone experiences stress differently, learn about your stress. How do you know when you are stressed? How are your thoughts or behaviors different from times when you do not feel stressed?
• Identify your sources of stress What events or situations trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children, family, health, financial decisions, work, relationships, or something else?
• Learn your own stress signals. People experience stress in different ways. You may have a hard time concentrating or making decisions, feel angry, irritable or out of control, or experience headaches, muscle tension or a lack of energy. Gauge your stress signals.
• Recognize how you deal with stress. Determine if you are using unhealthy behaviors (such as smoking, drinking alcohol and over/under eating) to cope. Is this a routine behavior, or is it specific to certain events or situations? Do you make unhealthy choices as a result of feeling rushed and overwhelmed?
• Find healthy ways to manage stress. Consider healthy, stress-reducing activities such as meditation, exercising or talking things out with friends or family. Keep in mind that unhealthy behaviors develop over time and can be difficult to change. Don’t take on too much at once. Focus on changing only one behavior at a time.
• Creating lists or organizing are ways of managing your “headspace.” Lists help you create concrete, tangible goals in terms of managing and reducing your stressors.
• Decreased drug, alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine use are often beneficial when managing stress. These substances change your body chemistry and often depress the release of important chemicals and hormones.
• Finding ways to relax is the key to managing stress. Whether it is walking your dog, reading a book, meditation, or a vacation, taking breaks allows you to regain a measure of control over your immediate situation.
• Similarly, taking deep breaths helps slow down the heart rate and lower blood pressure, as we often breath more quickly and shallowly when agitated.
• Maintain a strong network of support. Sometimes you may feel the need to ask a friend or family member to help you deal with your stress. Whether you need someone to talk to or a friend to help you through a stressful situation, a good support network can help.
• If you are in a stressful situation that is difficult to manage or your stress progresses into chronic issues such as anxiety or depression, it may be worth seeking the assistance of a medical professional.
• A primary care physician should be able to provide treatment options – this may include stress management and coping tips and/or medication to correct symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure.
• Talk therapy can be useful for discussing specific stressors or issues that have resulted in stress or symptoms of stress.

Additional Resources for Stress:

American Institute of Stress: a great resource to learn more about stress and its effects.

Last audited 7/2019

Adoption Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 28, 2018

What Is Adoption?

Adoption is a process in which a person assumes parenting for another, and, while doing so, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities from the original parent or parents. Unlike guardianship, or other systems designed to care for the young, adoption is intended to be a permanent change in status that requires legal and/or religious sanction. Modern systems of adoption are often governed by many statutes and regulations.

Each year over 150,000 children are adopted in the United States. This number includes adoptions from foster care, relatives, private adoptions and international adoptions.

Children living in foster care are the largest population waiting to be adopted.

Of the 450,000 children in the system, over 125,000 are waiting for adoption. They’ll typically wait for over two years for a family to take them into their home. Many of these children will reach their 18th birthday without finding an adoptive family.

National Adoption Day and The Dave Thomas Foundation are committed to finding adoptive families for children, especially those who are in foster care. These organizations have wonderful communities for adoptive families, adoptees, and caregivers.

More than 15,000 of those adoptions each year are international adoptions, with most of those being from China, Ukraine, Russia, and Guatemala. Forty percent of the children adopted from other nations are under the age of one. China’s orphans are primarily girls while the other countries are equally dispersed.

How Do Adoptions Originate?

Adoptions may occur between family members or entirely unrelated individuals. Approximately half of the adoptions in the US are currently performed between related individuals, such as is the case with stepparent adoption, in which the new partner of a parent may legally adopt a child from a previous relationship. Intra-family adoption may also occur through child surrender, as the result of parental death, or when the child cannot otherwise be safely cared for.

Why Do People Adopt?

There are many reasons why people choose to adopt a child or children.

One of the primary reasons that people adopt a child is because they are infertile, or unable to carry a child of their own. It’s estimated that 11-24% of infertile Americans try to build a family through adoption.

There are a large number of reasons why people adopt, although not all are well documented. Some adopt children because they feel a conviction (religious or philosophical) to adopt, others want to begin a new family following divorce or death of one parent. Others adopt to avoid contributing to the perception of an over-crowded world or because they do not want to pass down genetic disorders like Tay-Sachs.

A recent study of women who choose to adopt suggest that these women are most likely to be between the ages of 40-44, married, have infertility issues, and are childless.

What Are The Types Of Adoptions?

Adoptions can occur between family members or unrelated individuals. Current data suggests that about half of the adoptions in the US are between related individuals. Unrelated adoptions can include the following types of adoption:

1) Private domestic adoptions – in a private domestic adoption, charities and for-profit organizations act as the middle man, bringing together prospective birth families and adoptive families. All parties must be of the same country. An alternative to a private domestic adoption occurs when the middle man is removed and birth families and adoptive families communicate directly, drafting contracts with a lawyer.

Private domestic adoptions account for a large percentage of all adoptions: in the US, almost 45% of all adoptions are estimated to have occurred via private adoption agencies and/or arrangements.

2) Foster Care Adoption: In this type of adoption, a child is initially placed in the foster care system, then placed for adoption. Children may enter the foster care system for a number of reasons, maltreatment and parental neglect are just a few of the reasons children end up in foster care. There are over 100,000 children in the US foster care system waiting to be adopted. Approximately 40% of all adoptions in the US are from the foster care system.

3) International Adoption: in international adoption, a child is placed up for adoption outside the child’s country of birth and can occur via public or private agencies. The laws in different countries vary in their willingness to allow international adoptions. Due to the amount of corruption and exploitation that occasionally accompanies international adoptions, there has been an effort to protect both the birth families and adoptive families from this abuse. In the US, less than 15% of adoptive families chose international adoption.

4) Embryo Adoption: the concept of embryo adoption is that remaining embryos from a couple’s IVF treatments are donated to another person or couple. These donated embryos are then placed inside the uterus of the adopted woman in order to facilitate pregnancy and childbirth. In the US, embryo adoption is governed by property law rather than the court systems.

5) Surrogacy: is an arrangement in which a woman carries and delivers a child for another couple or another person. The surrogate mother may be the child’s genetic mother (in the case of traditional surrogacy) or genetically unrelated to the child (in the case of gestational surrogacy).

What Are The Forms of Adoption?

Each type of adoption has its own set of requirements but in the end, the result is the same: a child being united with a family and a family is completed. Adoptions can take many forms: open adoptions, semi-open adoptions, and closed adoptions. These types of adoptions are discussed in further detail below:

Open Adoption:

Open adoption allows all information to be shared between the adoptive and biological parents. Open adoption can be a very informal arrangement that’s allowed to be terminated by the adoptive parents who have sole authority over the child. Other open adoptions are bound by a legally-enforceable, binding agreement which covers visitation rights, exchange of information, and other information about the adopted child.

Advantages for Open Adoption:

Those who experience an open adoption have their own unique experiences. These are some of the possible advantages of having an open adoption, including

Advantage of Open Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Feeling of control – the process in which a birth family can review, interview, and choose parents for your child can provide birth parents with a feeling of empowerment, control, and security.
• Lessened fear – when regular communication occurs between the adoptive family and the birth family, any concerns about the child’s well-being can be placed to rest.
• Relationship with the child – as an open adoption allows for more frequent interactions, there is a possibility of the development of a relationship with the child.
• Relationship with the adoptive family – because of the open lines of communication, there is an opportunity to develop a positive relationship between the adoptive and birth families.
• Lessened mourning – being able to speak with the child and his or her adoptive family helps the birth family to deal with the loss and grief of an adoption.
• Lessened uncertainty – most birth families feel comforted and reassured about their child’s well-being through regular interactions with the child’s adoptive family.
• Lessened guilt – since the lines of communication remain open and the relationship between families open, there’s less of a struggle with grief for birth parents.

Advantage of Open Adoption For Adoptive Parents:

• Reduction of fear – because there is on-going communication between the birth-family and the adoptive family, any concerns about the intentions of the birthmother can be eliminated.
• Relationship with the birth family – there’s an opportunity for the birth family and adoptive family to develop a healthy, positive relationship.
• Medical information – an open adoption allows for increased opportunities for more medical information if the need arises.
• Affirmation – an adoptive family may feel encouraged knowing that they were chosen specifically by the birth family.
• Understanding – an open adoption allows the child to understand more about his or her history so that the child can answer questions like, “who am I?” and “where did I come from?

Advantages of Open Adoption For Adopted Child:

• Understanding identity – open adoption does allow the adopted child to learn his or her family history, which can make it easier for adopted children to understand who, exactly, they are.
• No sense of abandonment – because the child can openly communicate with the birth family, the feelings of abandonment experienced by the child may be lessened.
• Medical information – as the child ages, he or she may need a more detailed medical history.
• Relationships – open adoption offers the adoptive child the potential of developing a relationship with his or her birth mother and extended family.
• Support network – as most birth families continue to be concerned about their adoptive child, the birth family can act as advocates and a support system for the child.

Disadvantages to Open Adoptions:

Open adoption occurs when potential birth parents and prospective adoptive families are able to have personal interaction. All identities are shared, and interaction may include emails, letters, telephone calls, and/or visits. Like all other forms of adoption, there are disadvantages to open adoption.

Disadvantages of Open Adoption For Birth Parents:

• Potential for disappointment – if the adoptive family fails to meet expectations when meeting with the birth family, this can lead to crushing disappointments.
• Feeling obligated – once an adoptive family has been financially involved or emotionally invested with a birth family, a birthmother may feel as though she must adopt her child to this family.
• Abused trust – the relationship with the adoptive family does allow the potential for abuse of trust, such as manipulation of situations.
• Changing minds – an adoptive family can choose to stop or terminate the adoption process at any time, which can lead to the child being placed in limbo, possibly foster care, until alternate arrangements have been made.

Disadvantages of Open Adoption for Adoptive Family

• Unstable relationships – an adoptive family may learn that their relationship with the birth family includes an unhealthy or emotionally unstable birth family member.
• Added support – an adoptive family may feel the pressure to be an emotional support system for the birth family.
• Added pressure – the birth family may want a greater amount of openness than the adoptive parents do, which may lead to the adoptive family to accept the demands of the birth family because they fear if they do not, they will not receive the baby.

Disadvantages of an Open Adoption for the Adopted Child:

• Feelings of rejection – if contact between the birth family and the adoptive family ceases, the child may feel intense rejection.
• Confusion – as the child grows, he or she may struggle with issues of identity from trying to make sense of the family history of two separate families.
• Social Anxiety – an adoptive child who has ongoing communication with his or her birth family may have trouble explaining the family dynamics to his or her peers.
• Power Plays – the adoptive child may attempt manipulation between the adoptive and birth families by playing them against one another.
• Reduction in ability to assimilate into the adoptive family – increased interaction with birth family may lead to challenges for the child in assimilating into the adoptive family.

Semi-Open Adoption:

A semi-open adoption is a process by which a potential birth mother (or birth families) exchange non-identifying information with the adopting family.

Generally speaking, semi-open adoptions are facilitated through a third party – an adoption agency or adoption attorney. The identity of all parties is typically kept confidential, the interaction between families is generally with emails and letters. Sometimes, emails or visits are arranged in a semi-open adoption.

Advantages of a Semi-Open Adoption:

Experiences with semi-open adoptions vary wildly and from person to person. However, some of the common advantages of a semi-open adoption are broken down below:

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Sense of privacy as all communication and interaction between birth parents and adoptive families are facilitated by a third party.
• Feeling in Control – birth parents can feel more in control as they have the chance to review, interview and select the adoptive parents for their child.
• Fewer Uncertainties – the interactions and updates given by the adoption agency can comfort birthmothers by reassuring them that the child is well cared for.
• Less Guilt – getting updates and letters from the adoptive family can help birthmothers feel less guilt for placing their child up for adoption.
• Lessened Mourning – placing a child up for adoption is a loss and must be grieved. Having regular updates about the child via letters and visits can help with the sense of loss experienced.
• Less Fear – with on-going communications between the birth family and adoptive family, birth parents often feel more secure about the well-being of the child.

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for Adoptive Parents:

• Medically informed – while a medical history of the birth parents is a normal part of the adoption process, a semi-open adoption allows for access to additional medical needs, if circumstances require it.
• Feeling Encouraged – Because the birthmother hand-picked the adoptive family, the adoptive family can feel reaffirmed and empowered.
• Less fear – when the intentions of the birthmother and her family are openly communicated to the adoptive parents, it helps to reduce the concerns and fears regarding the intentions of the birthmother.
• Clear Roles – having a semi-open adoption allows the roles of each party to be better managed and more clearly defined.
• Increased Confidence – While there is less communication between the birth family and the adoptive family, the adoptive family is still able to ask questions and address concerns about the child’s history.

Advantages of Semi-Open Adoption for The Adopted Child:

• Understanding self – in a semi-open adoption, adopted children who have access to their birth families allows them to gather more information about family history and help answer questions such as “who am I?” and “where did I come from?”
• No search required – there is no issue of the child needing to seek out his or her birth parents.
• Not Feeling Abandoned – because the child has access to his or her birth family, the child may feel less a sense of abandonment.
• Medical Information – while medical information is a standard part of an adoption, a semi-open adoption allows for the child to ask medical questions of the birth family throughout their life.

Closed Adoption:

A closed adoption is an adoption process in which there is no interaction between the birthmother and the prospective families. Once a standard procedure for adoption, all identifying information is sealed, preventing disclosure of the adoptive parents, biological kin, and adoptees identities. However, closed adoption does allow for the transmission of non-identifying information, like medical history, religious and/or ethnic background.

Advantages of A Closed Adoption:

Like any other form of adoption, the experiences of a closed adoption may vary wildly. Some of the advantages of a closed adoption may include:

Advantages of Closed Adoption For Birth Parents:

• Closure – some birth families report that a closed adoption allowed them the sense of closure to move on with their lives.
• Privacy – people who feel threatened or vulnerable by their decision to place a child up for adoption may benefit greatly from having a closed adoption.
• Reduction of fear – birthmothers who have concerns about explaining their decisions to others may find that a closed adoption offers them a way to avoid that conversation.

Advantages of Closed Adoption for Adoptive Parents:

Absence of boundaries – because the birth family has nothing to do with the adopted child, there’s no risk for complications that may arise from interference by the birth parent or co-parenting concerns.

Freedom – when the birth family is not involved with the child after the adoption, the adoptive parents are free to enjoy their family without the potential threat from outside intrusion.

Advantages of Closed Adoption For Adopted Children:

• Protection – closed adoption affords a layer of protection for adopted children who may have unstable or emotionally disturbed birth family members.
• Absence of boundaries – the adopted child is always sure who calls the shots, makes the rules, and abides by them, as there is no meddling or concerns from the birth family.

Disadvantages To A Closed Adoption:

Closed adoption occurs when there is no contact or interaction between birth families and prospective adoptive families. No identifying information shall be revealed, though non-identifying information, such as medical records, will be made available to all parties. There are a number of disadvantages to closed adoptions.

These disadvantages to closed adoptions are discussed in further detail below:

Disadvantages of Closed Adoption for Birth Parents:

• Delayed grieving – the grieving process of adopting a child can be complicated, as there is no information to be given about the child’s progress.
• Denial – placing a child in an adoptive family through closed adoption can lead to feelings of denial that the child was ever born and placed for adoption.
• Guilt – a closed adoption does not allow the birth family to explain the reasons that the child was placed for adoption, which can lead to feelings of extreme guilt.
• Lack of information – lack of information about the child can compound feelings of guilt and denial, leaving many birth families struggling with depression.
• Abandonment – many birthmothers report feeling as though they are abandoning their child, and the inability to communicate with her child can only heighten these feelings.

Disadvantages of Closed Adoption For Adoptive Parents:

• Denial – a closed adoption can increase feelings of denial about having an “adopted child,” or “fertility status.”
• Fear – adoptive families fear that the birthmother will return and demand the child back. This fear is a consequence of limited information about the birth family.
• Control – there is less personal control for the adoptive family who must rely upon the adoption agency to act as a go-between.
• Medical history – while most children who are adopted have a medical history, if medical issues arise later in life, it may be impossible to get more information about medical issues from the birth family.

Disadvantages for a Closed Adoption For The Adopted Child:

• Confusion – as the adopted child ages, he or she may struggle with personal identity as he or she has no contact with his or her birth family.
• Information – children involved in a closed adoption have limited information about their birth families and history. This lack of information can lead a void in an adopted child who has many unanswered questions about his or her heritage.
• Preoccupation – a child in a closed adoption may be preoccupied with his or her adoption than other children.

How Do I Begin An Adoption?

Deciding to pursue an adoption can feel overwhelming and scary; the process is long and involved. Here are some steps you’ll need to go through to begin an adoption:

1) Teach yourself and your family members about adoption, learn all that you can about the types of adoptions, the restrictions these adoptions require, and the approximate cost for each type of adoption. It may help to have a binder and notebook to write yourself notes and reminders.

2) Decide what type of adoption you want to pursue: domestic, international, foster care adoptions, and make a list of the adoption agencies that you’re interested in. Read reviews of the agencies, ask for references from friends, family, and coworkers, to find out which adoption agencies are legitimate and which are not.

3) Investigate ways to handle adoption expenses, which are substantial. These costs can include adoption agency feeds, legal fees, birthmother expenses, as well as home study expenses. The following are potential avenues to explore to off-set the costs of adoption:

• Employee Benefits – many employers offer adoption reimbursement, check with your Human Resources department to see if your company offers adoption reimbursement.
• Federal Tax Credit for adoption. Call 1-800-829-3676 and request information on the Adoption Tax Credit and Tax Exclusion from publication 968.
• State tax credit – contact an adoption specialist in your state to ascertain whether or not your state offers a tax credit for a child adopted from a public adoption agency.
• Military Benefits – many times, the US military will reimburse up to $2,000 per child for adoption costs.
• Dependency exemption – while not adoption-specific, adoptive parents do qualify for taking a dependency exemption on their income taxes, even if the adoption hasn’t been finalized.
• Adoption Loans – some banks, life insurance policies, and credit unions offer adoption loans.
• Private Grants – these grants are for families who are socioeconomically challenged or to encourage the adoption of special needs children. Call the National Adoption Foundation at (203) 791-3811 for more information

4) Once your research has been carefully completed, select an adoption agency or adoption facilitator and/or attorney. You’ll begin orientation with the adoption agency to discuss the adoption process. It’s recommended that you attend several orientations for different adoption agencies so that you get the sense of which agency is right for you.

5) Be ready to fill out oodles of paperwork, including an agency application form, along with various other forms that will be necessary for the adoption process to begin.

6) Once the adoption agency has reviewed and accepted your completed adoption application, you will undergo a home study. A home study is performed to evaluate the home environment and help the adoptive parents prepare for the arrival of their adopted child. The home study will include a visit from a social worker, educational classes with other adoptive families, a physical examination, fingerprints taken, and a background check performed. Average time for a completed home study is 2 months.

7) Begin to wait to be matched with a child. The waiting period depends upon a number of factors: it can take longer to adopt a Caucasian newborn (up to 5 years). Adopting another race may reduce the waiting period significantly. International adoptions may take longer than a year depending upon the requirements of the country.

8) Once you’ve been matched with a child and have decided to adopt this child, it’s time to file a petition to adopt.

9) After the birth parents have terminated their parental rights, and the child has been in the home for over six months, a social worker will submit a recommendation for approval. Then, a judge will finalize the adoption by awarding the adoptive parents the legal rights and responsibilities for their children. This final step will vary if an international adoption has taken place, as there are additional legal steps involved.

What Is Adoption Disruption?

Adoption disruption is a term that’s used when adoption is ended. Technically disruption occurs when the adoption has been abandoned by the adopting family before the adoption has been legally completed. In practice, however, adoption disruption can occur anytime an adoption is ended. Generally, the disruption of adoption requires a court petition.

Adoption disruption can occur for any number of reasons: psychological or emotional issues of the adopted child, unrealistic expectations of parenthood, or family issues among the adoptive families.

What Are Some Of The Challenges Of Adoption?

The process of adoption can be fraught with emotional upheaval and mountains of paperwork.

An adoption may be interrupted when there are changes in the law, expiration of paperwork in the case of a lengthy adoption process, or other unforeseen circumstances.  It is very beneficial for those going through the adoption process to seek social and emotional support for this reason.

Many families experience post-adoption challenges, as well. It is normal for adoptive parents and children to take time to bond and develop a family routine – this process can take longer for older children as they will be simultaneously dealing with loss from a previous living situation.

The decision of whether and how to discuss the adoption with family, friends, and the child can require much deliberation as well, especially as some families may experience insensitive comments from time to time.

Both birth parents and adoptive parents can experience depression after an adoption. In the case of a birthmother who has recently given birth, hormones coupled with the loss can trigger postpartum depression; the birth parents may have also developed an attachment to the child prior to the adoption and will grieve the loss of a child placed with an adoptive family.

Adoptive parents can find it difficult to cope with the sudden change in parenting status after an emotional adoption process and may suffer from Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS).

Additional Adoption Resources

How Long Does Adoption Take? – General information from The Adoption Guide.

Adopting.org offers an extensive site for all of those who have been touched by adoption.

American Adoptions – Resource site for those seeking information as adoptive parents or birth parents who are searching for an adoptive family.

Adoption Healing is a non-profit site for adoptive parents and adoptees seeking literature and support.

Open Adoption – Resource for those seeking an adoptive family.

United States Department of State Intercountry Adoption Site Government information site for those interested in adopting internationally.

Page last audited 7/2019

Jealousy Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 27, 2018

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is a secondary emotion that generally refers to negative thoughts and feelings of fear, insecurity, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of value – particularly a human connection. Jealousy is often complicated by a number of other emotions, like sadness, disgust, resentment, and anger.

Jealousy is a complex emotion that involves feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Jealousy strikes both men and women and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or perceived. It is not limited to romantic relationships and also can occur among siblings competing for parental attention or in friendships. Jealousy is distinguished from envy in that jealousy always involves a third party seen as a rival for affection. Envy occurs between two people and is best summed up as “I want what you have.”  Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—it is a signal, a wake-up call, that a valued relationship is in danger and steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one’s mate or friend. In this regard, jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds. It motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.

What Are The Different Sides of Jealousy?

Jealousy is about someone getting something that they feel they should have access and rights to receive. When one friend chooses to spend time with someone else instead of you, this can create emotional jealousy. When your boyfriend spends too much time chatting with another potential partner, this can stir up a combination of sexual and emotional jealousy.

The Emotional Side of Jealousy

When you see someone getting something you feel you deserved – especially within a relationship – you might undergo a backward metamorphosis in which your brain lets go of its advanced functioning and you’re responding from your “reptilian brain.” This is the most basic brain structure as compared to the other two components of the human’s complex brain, the limbic brain, and the neocortex.

In “Reptile Mode,” we are ready to engage in fight, flight, or freeze responses to danger and for some individuals, the threat of losing a partner to a rival can catapult them back thousands of years to the reptilian way of processing information.

When you are in the throes of intense jealousy, you have a hard time concentrating on anything but the object of your jealousy whether it’s scheming to get your partner out of the interloper’s clutches, or scheming to get even, or giving in to abject misery, and loss of hope. Depending on our feelings about the situation dictates how we respond emotionally – but even if it’s by giving that once-special someone the metaphorical “cold shoulder,” your heart is still focused on the relationship, although it has now grown more complicated as you are training yourself to be unkind to someone whom you’d rather be kind.

Some people grow obsessed with revenge – against the wayward partner or the rival who has usurped your place. Revenge, however, is a very poor investment of energy. Research has shown that the toll that revenge planning takes on your overall emotional well-being is much more detrimental than just moving forward in your life. In fact, if you allow thoughts of revenge to take over your life, you are doing the worst possible thing in terms of moving on – you are giving a great deal of power and control of your own emotional and psychological well-being to the person who has caused you emotional harm. Not exactly the best way to get your emotional life back on track.

The Physical Side of Jealousy

Adrenaline gets pumping when we are faced with a threat. When we are confronted with a threat, not only do our emotions grow more primitive, so do our physiological responses. Enough country songs have been written about what damage can be done during a moment of jealous rage – whether it’s a trucker driving his rig into a motel room where his wife and her lover are trysting, or a scorned woman taking a Louisville slugger to her ex-lover’s SUV – that most of comprehend just how powerful that “fight or flight” response can be for modern humans when “fight” overtakes “flight.”

Sexual Jealousy or Emotional Jealousy?

It’s been stated that males feel a strong response when exclusive sexual access to a partner is breached, whereas they don’t respond as fiercely when a partner is having emotional needs met by other potential romantic partners. Females, it’s purported, experience the reverse. They feel more anxiety when they see their partner engaged in emotional closeness with another.

Jealousy in Long Distance Relationships:

Thanks to the widespread availability of the Internet and technology, long-distance relationships are becoming more and more common. It’s shocking to note that long-distance relationships are often more stable than geographically close relationships.

As those in long-distance relationships do not manage security by seeking proximity to their partner, they must instead rely upon open verbal communication.

Jealousy and Gender:

Studying jealousy in age, gender, and ethnicity is difficult to quantify and study in a controlled scientific setting. Here are some common thoughts about gender and jealousy.

• The triggers for male and female jealousy are similar – both feel jealousy when they fear they are losing something that is valuable.
• Many psychologists believe women are more inclined to be jealous because they are more in touch with their emotions than men.
• One study revealed women are more likely to aim their jealousy at a rival, rather than their partner.
• Another study found that taller men are less jealous than shorter men. This is attributed to taller men experiencing greater reproductive success, dominance, and attractiveness.
• Women of average height tend to be less jealous of their taller and shorter compatriots, perhaps also due to their greater reproductive success and healthiness.
• It’s been shown that more women than men consider emotional infidelity more distressing than sexual infidelity.
• There doesn’t seem to be a difference in jealousy between ethnic and age groups (although that is in part because it would be very difficult to perform a longitudinal study of the same people over time).

Jealousy Versus Envy:

Jealousy is distinguished from envy in that jealousy always involves a third party seen as a rival of some type.

Envy is a complex social emotion. It starts with the perception that someone else has something of value that you don’t have. But this perception is also accompanied by a painful or unpleasant feeling. From an evolutionary perspective, envy provides us with information about our social standing and the drive to improve our position in society. In this sense, some form of envy is likely experienced by non-human animals as well, especially among the ambitious upstarts climbing their way up the pecking order.

But envy also has a dark side. Instead of focusing our efforts on gaining the things we want in life, we brood over what we don’t have and resent those who have what we want. The experience of envy is doubly damaging, as we not only feel bad about ourselves, we also harbor ill will towards others who’ve done us no wrong. No wonder envy is considered one of the seven deadly sins.

Traditionally, envy has been viewed by religious leaders, philosophers, and psychologists alike as an evil that we must struggle to free ourselves from. But in recent years, some psychologists have argued that envy may have a bright side, specifically when we use envious feelings as motivation to improve ourselves. This “benign” envy contrasts with “malicious” envy, in which we’re motivated to do harm to the one who bested us.

Easily stated: Envy occurs between two people and is best summed up as “I want what you have.”

While often used interchangeably, jealousy is not the same as envy. Envy and jealousy, however, can be experienced at the same time.

Envy is desiring something that someone else has – a nice car or more money.

Envy involves:

• Feeling inferior
• Longing
• Motivation to improve
• Disapproval of feelings
• Resenting circumstances
• Ill-will (and guilt) toward an envied person
• Desire to own the rival’s attractive qualities

Jealousy is defined as the fear of losing something (work, partner, friend) to someone else. Jealousy is an anticipatory emotion, seeking to prevent loss.

Jealousy includes:

• Fear of loss
• Distrust
• Low self-esteem and sadness over the (perceived) loss
• Suspicion or anger regarding perceived betrayal
• Loneliness
• Uncertainty
• Fear of losing an important person to another

What Are Normal Types of Jealousy?

Jealousy is divided into two main categories: normal and morbid. Everyone experiences jealousy at some point.

Types of Normal Jealousy Include:

Romantic Jealousy: romantic jealousy can be experienced in long-term and short-term relationship and is likely the most often experienced type of normal jealousy. In fact, studies have shown that the first fight many romantic couples have is about jealousy (followed later by fighting about money).

Here is a clear list of what can be considered normal jealousy and morbid abnormal jealousy in romantic relationships:

NORMAL JEALOUSY: Not being thrilled that your partner has had sex with other people.

OBSESSIVE/MORBID JEALOUSY: Finding yourself consumed by thoughts of your partner’s past relationships all day and night.

NORMAL JEALOUSY: Experiencing a fleeting jealous pang when you see your partner’s ex on Facebook.

OBSESSIVE JEALOUSY: Stalking your partner’s ex on Facebook, and Googling them for hours at a stretch.

NORMAL JEALOUSY: Having a few questions about your partner’s past relationships/sexual history because you’re curious about their growth and development as a human being.

OBSESSIVE JEALOUSY: Incessantly questioning your partner about their past because you think it will stop your incessant curiosity. Maybe you think that if they just answer “one more question,” you’ll be able to move on. (You’d be wrong.)

NORMAL JEALOUSY: Not loving the idea of your partner meeting for coffee with their ex-partner

OBSESSIVE JEALOUSY: “Forbidding” your partner from having any contact, of any kind, with anyone from their past – including on Facebook

NORMAL JEALOUSY: Having the odd insecure moment when you wonder if your partner is truly happy being with you.

OBSESSIVE JEALOUSY: Having constant thoughts along the lines of “What if my partner prefers their ex to me? What if their ex is better looking than me? What if my partner is still in love with their ex? What if the sex was better…?”

Other types of jealousy that naturally occur:

• Platonic (friendship) Jealousy: people are often afraid of losing a friend to another person.
• Work/Power Jealousy: people who are jealous regarding a salary level, lack of promotion, or another work-related issue.
• Family Jealousy: Sibling rivalry is the most frequently experienced type of this sort of jealousy.

What Constitutes Abnormal Jealousy?

Abnormal Jealousy

Abnormal jealousy is morbid, pathological, delusional, anxious, or psychotic jealousy. Extreme sensitivity may cause perceived threats to a relationship when no actual threat exists. Abnormal jealousy may be caused by immaturity, type-A personality, or extreme insecurity. Occasionally, it is due to mental illness such as paranoia or schizophrenia. Under some extreme cases of abnormal jealousy, a person can show immaturity and insecurity plus a controlling nature. Such people tend to assume that their family members, friends, and partners are unfaithful.

Jealousy and envy are painful emotions that can be hard to distinguish from one another. When you are jealous, you fear that you may lose a loved one’s affection or favoritism to someone else. When you are envious, you perceive yourself as getting the short end of the stick. Lovers of unavailable people experience both emotions. They want more, and they don’t want to lose what they have. This puts them at risk for developing morbid, or extreme, jealousy. Love chemicals run amok, competitor genes and social conventions can also trigger extreme jealousy.

Morbid Jealousy

Jealousy in moderation is normal. It shows that we care about the other person. a spouse or partner. Morbid jealousy is pathological. It is an irrational emotion that signals a psychopathological disorder, write forensic psychiatrists Michael Kingham and Harvey Gordon in a 2004 issue of Advances in Psychiatric Treatment. Morbid jealousy is signaled by irrational, obsessive thoughts centered around a lover or ex-lover’s possible sexual unfaithfulness, together with unacceptable or extreme behavior. Surprisingly, it occurs more often in older individuals and in males. The average age at onset is 38 years. The authors emphasize that morbid jealousy is a symptom, not a diagnosis.

Overcoming Jealousy:

It may be impossible to avoid experiencing jealous feelings, but it is possible to control jealous behavior. These steps may help one overcome jealousy:

• Lovers, partners, and friends may avoid jealousy and jealous feelings by being honest with each other, preventing a build-up of unspoken emotions.

• Keeping and maintaining trust is key.

• Being sensitive and recognizing the cues that may upset or worry others is vital to preventing jealousy.

• Rather than assume the worst, ask questions and communicate with your partner.

• Find ways – such as writing down a list of positive qualities about yourself – to make yourself feel more secure.

• Before opening your mouth in anger, count to ten and collect your thoughts.

Is Jealousy Always a Bad Thing?

It’s clear what the negative aspects of jealousy are, but what about the positive ones? Normal jealousy is a sign that a partner cares for the other and values the relationship. If kept in check – and not allowed to overrun the relationship – jealousy can be a bit of a good thing. Here are some of the good aspects of healthy jealousy in relationships:

1. Appreciation – The urgency of jealousy can prompt you to show how important your partner is to you. Jealousy can highlight what you value–your relationships. Sometimes we need a nudge to remember what’s most important, so use that feeling as a cue to clearly express your appreciation for your partner.
2. Communication – Jealousy can help strengthen your connection when you talk about it. The key is healthy communication (rather than bottling it up and exploding with passive-aggressive behaviors later). Be assertive and say something like “I got jealous watching you dancing today – you looked so cute!” rather than “I’m SORRY that you HAVE to go home with me, instead of that hot girl you were dancing with.” A little communication can go a long way.
3. Turn On: Getting riled up at the thought of someone snagging your sweetie can be a clear sign the physical attraction is still intact. When we look at our partner with new eyes, we can discover some of the things that attracted us to him or her in the first place. Having a partner we have lost interest in can suddenly become much more appealing when another person is flirting with him, which can lead to a beneficial renewed spark. Don’t hesitate to act on those feelings.
4. GOOOAAALLSSS Jealousy can alert you that you’re unhappy with some aspect of yourself and it can be the proper motivation to take positive steps toward changing it.
5. Be Your Better Half – We do get busy/lazy at times, and we may slack off on our part in the relationship. Jealousy can be a reminder to become the best partner you can be and allow you to use it to show your partner how much he or she means to you. we might find ourselves slacking off on our side of the relationship. Making a renewed effort can improve the relationship and motivate him or her to be an even better partner
6. Insecurities – Feeling jealous could point to deeper hang-ups, so listen to the warning signs and get to the bottom of the real issue. You might reflect on your experience of jealousy and realize that it comes from a sense of not being worthy that stems back to your childhood. Or, you may find that the jealousy is arising from a fundamental mismatch in the relationship, with one person being far more invested than the other. If so, start thinking about how you might address those issues, whether it means therapy or a heart-to-heart with your spouse, or both.
7. Attention – Thanks to the autopilot pace that is now the default setting for so many, it’s all too easy to let attention to drift away from our most important relationships. No worries – just take note and take action.
8. Mutual Reassurance. When you’re feeling jealous, it’s clear to your partner that you do care. Reassurance is very satisfying. What you probably didn’t assume is that he/she feels assured when you’re honest about your feelings.  Everyone likes to feel appreciated and valued!

How Do I Cope With Jealousy?

Jealousy is definitely a green-eyed monster that some of us face quite often. If you’re trying to overcome feelings of jealousy, here are some tips for coping with jealousy:

Assess your relationship:

First look at your relationship – is it built on trust, love, and respect? Does your partner’s behavior reflect the way he or she feels about you? Are they honest with you? If your partner is lying to you, this naturally triggers your insecurities. If you do happen to be in an insecure relationship, you will get jealous. If you choose to stay with your partner, you’ll probably just have to deal with feelings of jealousy.

Assess yourself:

If you’re in a healthy, secure, solid relationship with your partner and you’re still experiencing jealousy, look at yourself. People who have had secure, safe attachments during childhood are often less dependent, less jealous, have higher self-worth, and fewer feelings of not being good enough. If you haven’t a secure attachment in childhood, you can work through those feelings and form better attachments in your relationships – therapy and working with your partner can help increase your self-esteem. If you’re not sure, ask yourself?

• “Do I feel empty and worthless?
• What was your childhood like?
• Was your upbringing loving and critical?
• Were you raised in a repressive atmosphere?
• What were your relationships like with your caregivers and parents?.

Seek out other support.

Have interests outside your relationship – clubs, hobbies, volunteering. You can also talk to your friends to get some perspective, but make sure that your partner knows how you’re feeling as well.

Recognize your jealousy.

When we call jealousy what it is, it loses its power. It will free us from the shame of it. Saying that you’re jealous opens the door to learning.

Learn from your jealousy.

We can use feelings of jealousy as inspiration to grow. For instance, you realize that the reason you get jealous every time your friend plays her guitar is that it’s also something you’d like to do. Rather than wallowing in that jealousy, you sign up for guitar lessons.

Let it go.

Tell yourself that you don’t need this emotion in your life, and you’re relinquishing it, then breathe deeply, and imagine it flowing through you like the wind. Repeat until you’re able to let go.

Manage your emotions healthfully.

Practice mindfulness to calm your runaway emotions, try tuning into your body to understand how you’re feeling, take several deep breaths and try to detach from these emotions.

If your jealousy involves your romantic relationship, share your feelings with your partner after you calm down.

To process your emotions, you can try journaling, dancing to your favorite music, and taking a walk – anything to help clear your mind.

Remind yourself of your positive traits.

No one is good at everything – it’s impossible. However, we all have strengths and weaknesses. Remind yourself of this as often as you need. Jealousy is normal, but if it’s persistent, it can be a problem.

Page last audited 7/2019

Loneliness Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 26, 2018

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

-Orson Welles

What Is Loneliness?

What makes us happiest in life? Some people may point to fabulous fame and fortune. Yet hands down, surveys show that friends and family are the real prizes. Even though our need to connect is innate, some of us always go home alone. You could have people around you throughout the day or even be in a lifelong marriage, and still experience deep, pervasive loneliness. Unsurprisingly, isolation can have a seriously detrimental effect on one’s mental and physical health. Loneliness is the pervasive feeling of being alone, unloved, or unwanted. It is often tied to and associated with depression, despair, dejection, social isolation, and sadness. Some of the key descriptions of loneliness include the following:

• You have no choice in your alone-ness. You are alone but don’t want to be
• You no longer have attachments to people, places, or experiences. You feel adrift and disconnected.
• Life changes such as moving to a new location, starting a new job or school can bring about feelings of loneliness.
• Loss can be an instigator- losing a friend, family member, partner, or loved one can create feelings of loneliness.
• Feeling worthless, unlovable, or unacceptable and having low self-esteem may lead to social isolation and feelings of rejection, whether or not they truly exist.

Feelings of loneliness are often driven by the belief that no one can truly understand our experience, and our longing to belong. Some people are better able to cope with the feeling of loneliness than others. It may be described as a painful, dark, or cold experience.

Loneliness is increasing. In 2010, 40 percent of Americans reported feeling lonely on a regular basis, a shocking increase from 20 percent in the 1980s. According to the General Social Survey, an annual report on the country’s social characteristics, the number of Americans who say they have no one they can confide in nearly tripled between 1985 and 2004. Now, the average American reports zero close confidants.

Loneliness is not only getting worse, but its gravity and consequences are becoming increasingly understood. UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that being socially excluded activates some of the same neural regions that are activated in response to physical pain. And psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University has put forth groundbreaking work showing that loneliness is as risky to one’s health as smoking or obesity.

“There is robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase the risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators,” Holt-Lunstad said at the annual national convention of the American Psychological Association in August. “Many nations around the world now suggest we are facing a ‘loneliness epidemic.’ The challenge we face is what can be done about it.”

Common Misperceptions of Loneliness:

There are many misperceptions that others hold about loneliness. Often if we are lonely, it matters what we tell ourselves it means.

• Loneliness is a sign of weakness
• There’s something wrong with me
• No one else feels this way
• I’m unlovable
• No one cares about me
• I’m pathetic

These perceptions may lead to a decrease in self-esteem or an increase in feelings of worthlessness or depression. Further, entering new situations may create feelings of anxiety, as a person believes that they are unsuccessful socially.

Loneliness is a valid need that every person must satisfy. At some point, we will all be affected by loneliness. It is subjective how and what a person needs to feel less lonely, so it is important to understand your own needs. It secondarily requires knowledge of how to find and maintain social relationships.

Why Do Some People Deal Well With Loneliness While Others Struggle?

A recent study investigated the role of genetics in how we experience loneliness, social isolation, and depression. The researchers used data from a longitudinal twin study that has been collecting data on 1116 pairs of same-sex twins born in the U.K. in 1994 and 1995.

Social isolation refers to an objective state in which we have limited social connections and interactions. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an entirely subjective state, in which we feel socially and/or emotionally disconnected from those around us. Therefore, socially-isolated people are not necessarily lonely, and lonely people are not necessarily socially isolated.

Loneliness has been found to be a much bigger risk factor for depression than social isolation and the researchers found that lonely people were much more likely to report symptoms of depression than people who were socially isolated.

Loneliness tends to create distorted perceptions and pessimistic mindsets that can cause depression. Being lonely makes us judge our friendships and relationships more negatively and respond to others more defensively and even with greater hostility—which can push people away and sabotage opportunities for closeness and meaningful interaction. Unfortunately, these behaviors can lead us to become more depressed and increasingly socially isolated. But what about genetics? Can you be “born lonely?”

This is where your genetics come in. These types of negative responses can be inherited. If we have a genetic predisposition, our ‘default’ reactions might be telling us to respond to feelings of loneliness in ways that are likely to actually increase our social isolation and our depression.

Researchers confirmed these assumptions. The data showed significant indications of genetic correlations between loneliness, social isolation, and depression. They concluded that while not all people who are socially isolated are lonely, those who do experience loneliness are often depressed as well because of this similar genetic influence.

While a specific ‘loneliness gene’ has not been isolated (and might never be, as loneliness might result from a confluence of several genes rather than just one), the findings do reinforce those of other studies that have also found genetic predispositions to loneliness.

The good news is that regardless of whether we are genetically predisposed to loneliness, the power to change this is actually in our hands. Changing requires us to correct our negative perceptions of our relationships (by assuming people care for us more than we believe they do, and giving them the benefit of the doubt), taking active steps to reach out and connect with others (however emotionally risky it feels), and monitoring our reactions to limit defensiveness and hostility and make efforts to come across more warmly and openly (even if it feels unwise and unsafe).

How To Combat Loneliness:

Those who are lonely are at a social disadvantage. Often they become less daring socially, less willing to put themselves out there for fear of rejection, and they have a harder time opening up to others. However, there are several ways to decrease loneliness.

Talk to Strangers:

Many of us cringe at the idea of chatting up a stranger on the subway or in a cafe. It might seem scary, but we’d probably get more out of it than we realize.

In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, psychologists Juliana Schroeder and Nicholas Epley explored why strangers near each other seldom interact. They hypothesized that either people generally find solitude more pleasant than interaction, or they misjudge the consequences of interacting. They conducted a number of experiments to test their hypotheses, one of which involved recruiting Chicago commuters to talk to people sitting near them on their ride to work. While nearly everyone expected it to be a negative experience, they reported an improved sense of well-being afterward, notably more than those in a control group who didn’t talk to nearby strangers. The unsuspecting passengers on the receiving end of these social volleys also reported increased well-being.

“The pleasure of connection seems contagious,” Schroeder and Epley write. “This research broadly suggests that people could improve their own momentary well-being—and that of others—by simply being more social with strangers, trying to create connections where one might otherwise choose isolation.

Log Off From The Internet/Put Your Phone Down:

What does face-to-face contact give us that online communication lacks? For one thing, it boosts our production of endorphins, the brain chemicals that ease pain and enhance well-being. That’s one reason in-person interaction improves our physical health, psychologist Susan Pinker writes in The Village Effect. Getting together for dinner parties or game nights, or pretty much any social activity apart from, say, a fight club, also keeps our relationships strong, while those conducted online tend to wither over time. “Electronic media can sway voters and topple newspapers, but when it comes to human cognition and health, they’re no match for the face-to-face,” Pinker says.

A longitudinal study by Holly Shakya and Nicholas Christakis, published last year in the American Journal of Epidemiology, confirms that Facebook is bad for our well-being, and points to the questionable depth of interaction on the social network as a primary reason.

“The tricky thing about social media is that while we are using it, we get the impression that we are engaging in meaningful social interaction,” Shakya and Christakis wrote in a synopsis of the study for the Harvard Business Review. “Our results suggest that the nature and quality of this sort of connection is no substitute for the real-world interaction we need for a healthy life.”

Be A Good Neighbor

Some of our most important relationships are with the people closest to us, geographically speaking. The neighbors and co-workers who we regularly cross paths with can serve an important purpose in our broader map of social connection, even if they’re not our most meaningful and deep relationships.

Research points to the value of both “strong ties” and “weak ties” in social relationships and underscores that loose acquaintances, such as neighbors, serve an important role in our overall sense of connection with others. But research shows that we’re neglecting the very relationships that are right under our noses or on the other side of our fences. In a recent survey, a third of Americans said they never interact with their neighbors, while only 20 percent regularly spend time with them. Compare that to the 1970s, when 30 percent reported spending time with their neighbors at least twice a week.

Getting to know your neighbors yields more benefits than access to a cup of sugar when you run out. One study found that higher “neighborhood social cohesion” lowers your risk of a heart attack. So invite your neighbors over for coffee and offer to water their plants when they go out of town. You’ll be happier and healthier for it.

Take initiative:

If you’re socially isolated, consider volunteering, doing community service, or an activity you enjoy, as these are good ways to meet people. In addition, try going through your phone and email address books as well as your Facebook and other social media contacts and make a list of people you haven’t seen or spoken to for a while. Don’t psych yourself out and tell yourself they’re not interested. Instead:

Give others the benefit of the doubt:

Once you’ve compiled your list of friends and acquaintances, reach out to one of them each day. Yes, they might not have been in touch for a while or returned your phone call from two months earlier but give them the benefit of the doubt. Invite them to have coffee, a drink, or even catch-up on the phone and you’ll be surprised by how many of them will happily make plans—especially if you remember to:

Be Optimistic:

Approach people with optimism. It’s perfectly normal to fear rejection, but you have to get yourself in the right frame of mind when you contact people so the vibe you put out is positive and inviting (rather than overly cautious and uninviting). Getting into a positive head-space is also important when you contact people online. Emoticons can be very useful. “How have you been? :)” is much more appealing than “Haven’t heard from you in two months, wanna get together?

Making Friends:

I know, all of this sounds easier said than done, right? Making friends is a big deal and can seem overwhelming or challenging, especially if you’re shy. However, here are some ideas for easier ways to make friends.

• Do what you love, in the normal course of a day.
• Look for ways and opportunities to interact with others.
• Eat with other people.
• Sit with new people in class.
• Join a study/exercise/social group.
• Participate in new situations which make you more likely to meet people.
• Look at campus resources or your work employee program.
• Develop social skills to reduce social awkwardness.
• Don’t judge people or yourself.

In addition to tackling the social aspects of making friends, it is important to work on your self-esteem and your skills.

• Identify your hobbies and interests.
• Get to know yourself.
• Find ways to enjoy spending time with yourself.
• Maintain good nutrition, sleep, and exercise.
• Don’t decide ahead of time how you are going to feel about an activity or situation.

Coping With Loneliness:

Feelings of loneliness can be a bitter battle to fight. Some people shop to get out of the house, some call up a friend, some sit and feel miserable. There are many ways to cope with being lonely.

Active loneliness – This is where you use your alone time to actively engage in activities you like, get to know yourself, or find ways to enjoy your time.

Stop Comparing – stop comparing yourself to others – especially online. The truth of the matter is simple: many people only show off their BEST life and may be struggling in many ways.

Feelings – It is not uncommon to feel things like sadness, depression, or anger. Allow these feelings to exist, but don’t get overwhelmed by them. It is okay to cry or express your feelings. If these feelings are pervasive and begin to affect your life, please call your doctor for some advice

Get Out There – Inactivity is common in people who are lonely because there is the perception that there is no point in doing something because there is no one to do it with. That is why it is so important to get out and get moving but take it as slowly as you need to.

Talk to People: Doesn’t matter where, when, how, but start trying to form connections with other people.

Don’t Overdo It – Oversleeping is a common symptom of sadness and depression. Make sure you are eating and sleeping according to a regular schedule and if you find yourself oversleeping, overeating (or under eating) drinking alcohol to excess, and/or abusing drugs as a means to feel less lonely, please call your doctor.

Ask For Help: If your loneliness is in overdrive, speak to a trusted doctor or friend to see if they can lead you to some options for outreach in your area

Remember that loneliness is a temporary state.

We at The Band love you and will always welcome you with open arms. If you are lonely, share your story with us.

Other Resources About Loneliness:

Loneliness/Rejection – The website of Dr. Tom Stevens contains information about relationships, coping with fear, and factors important to relationships.

Page last audited 7/2019.

Guilt Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 19, 2018

All day, every day, we all experiences hundreds of emotions. Some are positive, some are negative, and all serve a purpose. Emotions prompt us into action by organizing and motivating our response. Emotions can be broken down in a number of ways. All emotions start with a prompting event, which is then interpreted. an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse.

For example, if you lose your job, you may interpret that to mean several things, such as: “I did not perform my duties well.” This interpretation prompts internal changes within our body, such as increased heart rate, becoming flushed, or shaking. These internal responses also lead to action urges, which we then act upon, such as crying, yelling, or escaping the situation.

After we act, there are after-effects, such as feeling distracted. This process generally happens very quickly, and can be categorized as sadness or anger.

Primary Versus Secondary Emotions:

A primary emotion is a direct reaction to a prompting event.

Secondary emotions are those we feel about our primary emotions.

For example, after failing a test, a person may feel disappointed. However, if the person feels guilty for then letting his or her parent down for failing the test, guilt is the secondary emotion because it is guilt about the disappointment.

What is Guilt?

Guilt is one of the most complex emotions that we feel. It is almost always a secondary emotion in response to a primary emotional response. Guilt is often a response to a perceived decrease in a social standing. Guilt often motivates behavior related to social expectations in that it “punishes” us for socially unacceptable behavior. Guilt is defined as a deep feeling of remorse for an act which may or may not have occurred in the past. Therefore, guilt becomes a past experience which is renewed in the present moment.

When it comes to guilt, Freud was the expert, but he certainly didn’t have a corner on the market. Guilt comes in many forms and it can be boiled down to a set of five basic types. You’ll learn what those five types are, but first let’s take a look at how psychologists define guilt.

Guilt is, first and foremost, an emotion. You may think of guilt as a good way to get someone to do something for you out of a sense of obligation. Guilt is not a very good motivator. It’s more accurate to think of guilt as an internal state. In the overall scheme of emotions, guilt is in the general category of negative feeling states.  It’s one of the “sad” emotions, which also include agony, grief, and loneliness, according to one comprehensive framework.

Like other emotions, there is no one explanation for guilt. The traditional Freudian view is that guilt resides under the surface veneer of our behavior.  The psychodynamic theory of Freud proposes that we build defense mechanisms to protect us from the guilt we would experience if we knew just how awful our awful desires really were. Specifically, Freud linked the feeling of guilt, and its related emotion of anxiety, to the Oedipal stage of psychosexual development.Young children, he believed, desire having sex with their opposite-sex parent. Eventually, these desires become submerged and transformed into sexual attraction toward others of their own age.

From a cognitive/behavioral point of view, guilt is an emotion that people experience because they’re convinced they’ve caused harm. In cognitive theory, the thoughts cause the emotions. The guilt of emotion follows directly from the thought that you are responsible for someone else’s misfortune, whether or not this is the case. People who experience guilt on a chronic basis, according to the cognitive perspective, mistakenly suffer under the illusion that they have caused other people harm. Their negative emotion follows from their tendency to misinterpret what happens to them and not to question the logic of their conclusions.

In cognitive therapy, treatment often involves teaching people to rid themselves of their “automatic thoughts” that they’ve caused others to suffer. People constantly plagued by guilt are also taught to recognize their “dysfunctional attitudes” so that they recognize when they’re going through such mental processes as catastrophizing (making the very worst of a bad situation) or overgeneralizing (believing that if one bad thing happened, many more must have as well).

In contrast to the psychodynamic view of guilt, the cognitive perspective gives the average person some clues for fixing the tendency to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. According to the cognitive view, if you change your thoughts, you can change your emotions. Once you realize that you’re inaccurately seeing yourself as causing others to suffer, you can readjust your mental set and more realistically figure out your role in whatever grief came their way.

What Does Guilt Feel Like?

Guilt can be categorized by the following feelings, according to Emotional Competency:

• Feeling badly about your actions
• Failure to meet another’s standard of behavior
• Transgressing a moral imperative
• Having empathy but not acting from empathy
• Dissatisfaction from our assessment of a decrease in social acceptance or contribution
• Failing to prevent harm to another
• Not meeting your responsibility to others

Guilt Cycle:

These emotions continue, providing the following guilt-cycle (per Emotional Competency):

Starting at a neutral state, an incident occurs in which you fail to meet your own standards, others’ standards, or there is a dissatisfaction based on your own assessment. Guilt is the feeling that corresponds with the interpretation of the incident.

How Do I Remediate Guilt?

In order to remediate your guilt, the following are recommended:

Accept Responsibility: Feel remorse, understand what you did wrong, and take responsibility

Remorse: Genuinely feeling bad about what has happened, assess the situation

Restitution: Improve and avoid future mistakes, apologize, and make appropriate reparations to injured parties.

Failure to do so may lead to inaction or denial, in which the other party or other circumstances are blamed.

What Are The Five Types of Guilt?

Armed with this background, let’s examine the five types of guilt and—more importantly—how you can cope when guilty feelings come your way.

Guilt Cause #1: Guilt for something you did. The most obvious reason to feel guilty is that you actually did something wrong. This type of guilt may involve harm to others, such causing someone physical or psychological pain. You may also feel guilty because you violated your own ethical or moral code, such cheating, lying, or stealing. Guilt over your own behavior can also be caused by doing something you swore you would never do again (such as smoking, drinking, or overeating). In each of these cases, there’s no doubt that the behavior occurred.

This is Healthy Guilt: The result when you knowingly have done something wrong.

It’s appropriate to feel guilty when you’ve done something wrong. Feeling the emotion of guilt for an action deserving of remorse is normal; to not feel guilty, may be a sign of psychopathy. The problems occur when you ruminate over this guilt. An action in the past cannot be changed, no matter how much you wish it would. Accept the fact that this happened, apologize to the person or persons you harmed, and then figure out how to avoid committing the same act in the future. If you’ve violated your own personal standards (such as through overuse of alcohol or cheating on your partner), you can best avoid straying in the future by seeking support from others who can help you rid yourself of this habit or help you to keep on the up and up. Finally, because of our natural tendency toward ego-centrism, we assume that others place far more importance on our thoughts and actions than they actually do. The behavior over which you are tormented by guilt, such as inadvertently insulting a friend, may hardly have even penetrated that friend’s consciousness.

Dealing With Guilt Cause #1: It’s completely normal to experience guilt in these scenarios-whether you harm yourself or someone else. If you didn’t feel any guilt in these scenarios, then this could be an indication of a deeper and more complex psychological problem. To overcome guilt in this situation, it’s important to accept that whatever happened has happened-and there is nothing you can do to change it. The best way to deal with guilt is to accept it, apologize, and prevent it from happening again.

If your reason for guilt was caused by overstepping your boundaries, morals or ethics, such as overusing alcohol or drugs, lying or cheating, the easiest way to prevent these issues from happening again is to get rid of these habits. Some ways to do this is to seek professional help or seek support from a friend or family member.

Guilt Cause #2: Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to. You’re thinking about committing an act in which you deviate from your moral code or engage in behavior that is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal. This is a tough type of guilt to handle. It’s true that you didn’t actually commit the act, so you’re still sitting on the moral high ground. However, we all know that the very fact that you’re contemplating an act that violates your own standards can be as guilt-provoking as the act itself. If you’re beating yourself up for these forbidden and taboo thoughts, you can try the good old Freudian defense mechanism of repression (where you stop up the hidden desire) or denial (where you don’t acknowledge it). However, this is unlikely to lead to a satisfactory outcome because by defending against your feelings, you may actually fall prey to them and behave in a way that gives you reason to feel guilty. An approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides some guidance for how you can cope with this type of guilt. You can recognize that you have these illicit thoughts, accept them as part of who you are right now, and then, commit yourself to changing your behavior so that you don’t follow through on them. Rather than shove them under the surface, you can embrace your illicit thoughts and desires and work on reducing them through conscious effort.

Dealing With Guilt #2: f you are feeling guilty for having wrong or immoral thoughts, then it is best to accept these thoughts are part of the present. Then, make a plan to change them to prevent yourself from actually falling victim to your thoughts and committing such act(s). Most people will try to dismiss these thoughts, repress them, or “shove them under the rug.” However, this isn’t the healthiest way to deal with these thoughts. These thoughts can eventually lead you actually to commit them. The best way to deal with them is to accept that you through them and then make a conscious effort to reduce the power of those thoughts as well as the effects on you.

“False” Guilt. Emotional complexes can be just that-complex. Most people experience unhappiness due to their own irrational and incorrect thoughts about themselves, others, and the world.

Sometimes we experience guilt even when we think we did something wrong. In these cases, we might feel just as guilty as if we did something wrong. For example, we might think of a rival coworker losing his or her job, or secretly hope that a friend’s or ex’s relationship fails. These thoughts often derive from our vengeful wishes, but we know deep down inside that these thoughts are illogical in some way. However, it is still difficult to negate these beliefs and thoughts.

In some severe cases, you haven’t done anything wrong, but have convinced themselves that they did. Believe it or not, this can happen easily, especially when intense emotions and feelings are involved.

Guilt Cause #3: Guilt for something you think you did. As cognitive theories of emotions tell us, much of the unhappiness we experience is due to our own irrational thoughts about situations. If you think you did something wrong, you can experience almost as much guilt as if you actually committed the act — or more.  One fairly typical cognitive source of guilt is the magical belief that you can jinx people by thinking about them in a negative or hurtful way. Perhaps you’ve wished that a romantic rival would experience some evil twist of fate. Should that evil twist of fate come to pass, you may, at some level, believe that it was due to your own vengeful wish.  At some level you “know” that you’re being illogical, but it’s hard to rid yourself completely of this belief.  We also know that our memory for past events is highly flawed. It’s possible for you to have done nothing wrong at all but to misremember and think that you did, particularly when there are highly charged feelings involved. Suspects can have false memories implanted into them that convince them that they not only were at the scene of a crime, but actually committed it.

Before you start accusing yourself of wrongdoing, make sure that the wrongdoing actually took place. If you’re distorting your recollection of events to make you seem more at fault than you are, it’s time for a hearty dose of reality testing.

Compassion Guilt. There are situations when people feel like they can’t help another person enough. For example, consider a friend or family member who has recently gotten divorced or who has passed away. You have devoted your time to be there for your friend or family as often as possible, but it’s time to return to your responsibilities, such as work or even caring for your own family. As a result, you begin to feel guilty because you can’t live up to the expectations that you set for yourself in supporting them.

Psychologists refer to these situations that lead to guilt as compassion fatigue. These situations can lead to burnout for two reasons:

1) because trying to care for another while also caring for yourself and your obligations is extremely challenging

2) overwhelming guilt. The overwhelming feeling of guilt coupled with fatigue leads to compassion fatigue

Guilt Cause #4: Guilt that you didn’t do enough to help someone. Perhaps you have a friend who is very ill or who is caring for an ill relative. You’ve given hours of your free time to help that person, but now you have other obligations that you absolutely must fulfill. Or perhaps your neighbors suffered a tragic loss such as the death of a relative or fire that destroyed their home. You’ve offered days and weeks of your free time but, again, you find you can’t continue to do so. The guilt now starts to get to you and you try desperately to figure out ways to help them despite the toll it’s taking on you. Psychologists use the term compassion fatigue to capture this feeling of burnout. Though used typically to describe professional helpers, it can also occur among people who offer continued informal support to others in need.  Adding to the overall emotional drain of the situation is the guilt you overlay on top of the fatigue because you think you should be doing more.

You can decide or not whether you want to continue to make the sacrifices needed to help these individuals. However, it’s important to separate your desire to help from the guilt you fear will overwhelm you if you don’t. Acting out of guilt can only drain you further and ultimately make you a less effective helper.

Dealing With Guilt #4: Guilt can be overpowering, so before you get down on yourself for doing something wrong, be sure to ask yourself if you did something wrong or if you only think you did. Distorting your memory of events can only make it seem like you were at fault.

Guilt Cause #5: Guilt that you’re doing better than someone else. The experience of survivor guilt is one recognized by professionals who work with combat veterans who outlive their fellow troops. Survivor guilt also occurs when people who lose families, friends, or neighbors in disasters themselves remain untouched or, at least, alive. Applying not only to people who live when others in the same situation have died, though, survivor guilt also characterizes those who make a better life for themselves than do their family or friends. First-generation college students, for example, often feel torn by conflicting emotions about their success in school. They want to do well (and their families want them to also), but the students themselves feel guilty that they are getting opportunities that their parents or siblings did not. To “protect” their family members, they may engage in self-destructive behaviors that ensure they won’t make it in school.  Logic would dictate that the family truly want the student to succeed (and thus bring honor to the family), but this logic is lost on the student due to survivor guilt.