Alcohol Addiction (Alcoholism)

by Band Back Together | Jul 19, 2018

Alcoholism What Is?

Alcoholism is a chronic, often progressive disease in which a person craves alcohol and drinks despite repeated alcohol-related problems. Problems with alcohol can run the spectrum from mild drinking problem to life-threatening, and affect not only the alcoholic, but the alcoholic’s family as well as the general population in many negative ways.

Despite the focus on all of the illegal drugs of substance abuse (cocaine, crystal meth), alcohol is the number one substance abuse problem in the United States. 1 in 6, or almost 18 million adults are dependent upon alcohol, or have other alcohol-related problems. Teenagers most frequently abuse alcohol as well.

One in every three motor vehicle fatalities involves alcohol, 50% of drownings are due to alcohol, almost 20% of fire-related death, and almost 50% of murders are related to alcohol use. These shocking numbers are proof that we must work to help those who struggle with alcohol.

Alcoholism is often termed “a family disease” as alcohol negatively impacts the lives of family members and others close to the alcoholic in many ways. For the alcoholic to recover from alcoholism, family members must take part in recovery from alcohol abuse.

For people who are physically dependent upon alcohol, withdrawal from alcohol is far more dangerous than withdrawal from other substances of abuse.

What Is Alcohol Abuse Versus Alcohol Dependence?

Alcoholism can manifest itself in the forms of alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence:

Alcohol Abuse is defined as excessive, problematic use of alcohol in addition to one (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to fulfill obligations at work, school or home.
2. Legal problems or other problems with the law.
3. Continued use of alcohol despite having problems caused by drinking.
4. Recurrent alcohol use in dangerous situations.

Alcohol Dependence is a far more serious disorder, which involves extreme and maladaptive usage of alcohol, leading to three or more of the following:

1. Increased tolerance for alcohol, requiring more and more to get the same effects.
2. Inability to stop or cut back on drinking.
3. Spending much of the time drinking or recovering from drinking.
4. Drinking despite knowing the alcohol is causing problems.
5. Drinking more alcohol (or drinking over a longer period of time than intended).
6. Withdrawal symptoms if an attempt to stop drinking is made, or using alcohol as a means to keep withdrawal symptoms at bay.
7. Giving up social or work activities to drink.
8. Binge drinking, or drinking several drinks in a relatively short period of time.

What Causes Alcoholism?

There is no one single established cause for alcoholism. There is mounting evidence that there are both genetic and biologic predispositions for alcoholism, but it has not been proven.

Generally speaking, a number of factors lead to a person developing a problem with alcohol. Social factors, like peer pressure, familial influence, societal influences, as well as the availability may play a part in developing a problem with alcohol.

Psychological factors, like increased levels of stress, improper coping mechanisms, and reinforcement of drinking alcohol from other alcoholics can also play a factor in the development of alcoholism.

Twice as many men are dependent upon alcohol as women, and alcohol problems are highest within the 18-29 age bracket. People who begin to drink before age 21 are also at increased risk for the development of alcoholism.

Who Is At Risk for Alcoholism?

While alcoholism may not have a single cause, it is known that there are a number of risk factors that can lead to the development of problems with alcohol. These risk factors include:

Men who drink 15 or more alcoholic beverages a week (one drink equals one 12 oz beer, 5 oz of wine, or 1.5 oz of liquor).

Women who drink 12 or more alcoholic beverages a week.

Any person who has 5 or more drinks per occasion per week.

Individuals whose parents exhibit alcohol abuse or dependence.

Individuals who begin drinking at a young age.

Individuals who struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses.

At great risk for the development of alcoholism are children of alcoholics. These children of alcohols are also at risk for a multitude of other problems, such as:

• Substance abuse
• Conduct disorders
• Anxiety disorders
• Mood disorders

What Are The Five Types of Alcoholics?

1) Young Adult Sub-types are the largest sub-type of alcoholics. Alcoholics by age twenty-four, they rarely seek treatment for alcoholism. They do drink less frequently than other types of alcoholics, but engage in binge-drinking when they do drink.

2)Young Antisocial Sub-type are twenty-six years old on average, often smoke cigarettes and pot but tend to become alcoholics by age eighteen. This sub-type doesn’t overlap with Young Adult alcoholics. Over half of them have antisocial personality disorder.

3) Functional Sub-type are generally middle-aged working adults who have stable relationships, higher education and higher income than other alcoholics. They drink every other day, five or more drinks on drinking days.

4) Immediate Familial Sub-type who typically began drinking at seventeen and became alcoholic by age thirty. Over half of these have an immediate family member who is an alcoholic.

5) Chronic Severe Sub-type is the rarest type. Mostly includes divorced men who frequently use illicit drugs.

What Are The Symptoms of Alcohol Abuse?

Alcoholism is a disease that is most often diagnosed through behaviors and problematic effects upon functioning, rather than a set of specific medical symptoms. In fact, only two of the diagnostic criteria are physiological (tolerance and withdrawal).

Abuse of alcohol and alcoholism are associated with a wide variety of social, legal, medical, psychiatric, occupational, economic, and family problems.

Most people who have problems with alcohol remain unrecognized by health care professionals, as an alcohol will often conceal the amount and type of drinking, deny that drinking is leading to problems, the onset of alcoholism is slow, the effects of alcoholism develop subtly, and the human body can adapt to the increasing amounts of alcohol in the system.

Family and loved ones of an alcoholic often deny or minimize the problems of the alcoholic, unintentionally contributing to the alcoholism, such as protecting the alcoholic from the problems associated with drinking, taking over the responsibilities of the family.

When confronted, alcoholics will usually deny that they drink too much or have a drinking problem. Because alcoholism, like other types of addiction, is influenced by the personality of the alcoholic, the symptoms and signs of alcoholism vary widely.

Some of the symptoms that a person has a problem with alcohol can include:

• Anxiety
• Frequent falling
• Irritability
• Many different bruises
• Insomnia
• Blacking out
• Depression
• Missing school or work
• Losing a job
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Multiple car crashes
• Weight loss
• Appearing intoxicated often

Chronic alcohol abuse has medical conditions associated with the disease as well. Medical conditions associated with alcoholism can include the following:

• Cirrhosis of the liver
• Pancreatitis
• Anemia
• Alcoholic Neuropathy – malfunctioning of the nerves
• Cerebellar atrophy
• Alcoholic cardiomyopathy – heart disease
• Wernike’s encephalopathy – abnormal functioning of the brain
• Seizures
• Korsakoff’s dementia
• Confusion
• Malnutrition
• Hallucinations
• Peptic ulcers
• Bleeding in the GI tract.

Those who abuse alcohol are at great risk for mental illness and suicide as these individuals feel guilt, shame, and depression, especially when their disease causes significant losses in their lives (such as a divorce or losing a job).

How Is Alcoholism Diagnosed?

A diagnosis of alcoholism is usually made by observing a person’s behavior, unless the person is going through alcohol withdrawal or has other significant medical issues that warrant medical intervention.

Alcoholism is defined as the consumption of alcohol to the point that it interferes with a person’s personal, social, occupational or medical life. Because no two alcoholics are alike, it can be a challenge to make a diagnosis of alcoholism. However, there are several screening tests that health care providers may use to identify those at risk for alcoholism. These screening tests include:

Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test (MAST), which is a twenty-two question test often used by counselors.

CAGE Questionnaire: this screening tool asks only four questions. The more the “yes” answers, the greater the likelihood the person has a problem with alcohol:

1. Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about your drinking?
4. Do you have a drink first thing in the morning (an Eye opener) to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?

TACE Questionnaire is similar to the CAGE Questionnaire. The more “yes” responses, the higher the likelihood the person has a problem with alcohol.

1. How many drinks does it Take to get you drunk?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
4. Do you need an Eye-Opener drink each morning to steady your hands or get rid of your hangover?

Medical testing may be done to ascertain the extent of damage that alcohol has caused. These may include:

Laboratory blood draws may be performed to determine liver function, presence of anemia, electrolyte imbalances. Additional testing will be performed depending upon any medical complications.

What Is Alcoholic Ketoacidosis?

Alcoholic ketoacidosis (AKA) is a condition in which emergency medical treatment is necessary. Alcoholic ketoacidosis typically begins within four days after an alcoholic has stopped the consumption of alcohol, fluids, and food, generally from another medical problem, such as pancreatitis. AKA often occurs alongside alcohol withdrawal.

The signs of alcoholic ketoacidosis include, nausea, dehydration, and abdominal pain. These symptoms are caused by the burning of fat cells for energy, which releases ketone bodies. Ketone bodies are acids that accumulate in the blood, causing the person to feel increasingly sicker, perpetuating the viscous cycle.

How Is Alcoholism Treated?

It’s recommended that any alcoholic person seeking treatment for alcoholism utilize a team of medical professionals and therapy to ensure a safe, stable, and successful treatment. Treatment of alcoholism is divided into three stages:

1) Stabilization – the treating doctor must first make sure that person undergoing treatment for alcoholism is medically stable. This may include treatment of medical issues related or not related to the alcoholism. Alcohol withdrawal is treated with IV fluids and medications to reverse the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

2) Detoxification – during the detoxification stage (usually lasts a week) of alcoholism treatment, all consumption of alcohol will stop. As one can imagine, this stage is extremely difficult for an alcohol-dependent person and requires strict discipline and extensive support. Detox often occurs in an inpatient setting, where there is no alcohol available.

3) Rehabilitation – any treatment of alcoholism must include a long-term program to help treat those who are extremely dependent upon alcohol. Goals for rehabilitation include developing the skills not to drink, build a proper support system, and prevent relapses. Alcohol rehabilitation can occur in the following forms:

• Short-Term Programs – these rehabilitation programs last less than four weeks and involve therapy, education, training of skills, and the development of a long-term plan to prevent relapsing.
• Outpatient Counseling – this type of therapy is often the “step-down” after a stint in a rehabilitation center and can include individual, family, or group therapy. This type of therapy can help teach former alcoholics not to drink and spot early signs of a possible relapse.

4) Follow-Up – a person who suffers from alcoholism must make the decision on their own to stop abusing alcohol. Without such resolve, the goal of long-term sobriety may fall short. This can include:

• The recovering alcoholic should find – and attend – a social support group or counseling.
• The person should avoid any social situations that involve alcohol consumption.
• Home should be kept alcohol-free to avoid an impulsive relapse.

What Are The Stages of Alcohol Withdrawal?

Withdrawal from alcohol requires medical treatment and care as alcohol withdrawal syndrome can be life-threatening. The 4 phases of alcohol withdrawal are as follows:

1) Tremulous Stage – tremor of hands and legs, especially evident if the person going through alcohol withdrawal attempts to hold out his or her hand. This stage of alcohol withdrawal is often accompanied by restlessness, anxiety, and agitation.

2) Seizures often follow the tremulous stage of alcohol withdrawal in 25% of people. These seizures are most often generalized seizures, during which the whole body shakes uncontrollably until the person loses consciousness.

3) Hallucinations affect 25% of people during the late stages of major alcohol withdrawal. Visual hallucinations, such as insects or worms crawling the walls or on their skin. Many times, these visual hallucinations are accompanied by tactile hallucinations; the alcoholic going through withdrawal may also feel the insects on their skin (where there are none), which is called formication. Less commonly, auditory hallucinations occur during alcohol withdrawal.

4) Delirium Tremens (DT’s), the most dangerous stage of alcohol withdrawal, affect 5% of people withdrawing from alcohol and begins 48-72 hours after alcohol use ceases. The hallmark of the DTs is pronounced delirium – the alcoholic is awake, but confused, agitated, sweating, hallucinating. The DTs also cause hypertension and tachycardia. The Delirium Tremens is a medical emergency. If untreated, death may occur in almost 35% people. Even with medical treatment, the DTs is associated with 5%-15% death rate.

Can Alcoholism Be Prevented?

Because there has been no research that has conclusively determined the root cause for alcoholism, the only way to prevent alcoholism is through abstaining from drinking. In order to become an alcoholic, one must first become dependent upon alcohol.

If there is a strong family history of alcoholism, there is an increased risk for the development of alcoholism. Knowing that there is, indeed, a risk for developing alcoholism can help modify the attitude toward alcohol.

Ensure that you have a strong social support system in place and if you should find yourself drinking too much or becoming dependent upon alcohol, seek immediate treatment for alcoholism.

What’s The Prognosis for Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is a chronic disease, much like heart disease or diabetes. A treatment success rate of 50% is very similar to those suffering other chronic conditions.

Being able to maintain sobriety is a challenge for anyone with an addiction, and with alcohol use being so prevalent in our society, it is understandable that many recovering alcoholics may relapse. For those who don’t seek follow-up treatment after alcohol detoxification, the relapse rate is as high as 60%.

The key factors that influence the relapse rate are:

1. Higher levels of anger and frustration.
2. Less education about addiction and ways to avoid urges to drink.
3. Longer history of cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
4. More frequent alcohol consumption prior to treatment.

If a person who struggles with alcoholism continues to drink after many ongoing treatments, the prognosis is very poor. Those who are persistent heavy drinkers often succumb to the effects of alcohol.

What Are Some Warning Signs Of Alcoholism?

If you or someone you love find yourself saying “yes” to a number of these questions, you may be abusing alcohol.

If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may be abusing alcohol and should make an appointment to speak to your health care provider.

What Are The Signs of Alcohol Dependence?

Alcohol dependence is a very serious condition that comes with many medical, social, and lifestyle concerns. If you, or someone you love, can answer “yes” to a number of the following questions, you should immediately seek the care of your doctor.

Have you said yes to some of the above symptoms of alcohol abuse?

Do you experience black-outs (black-outs are memory lapses during periods of heavy drinking)?

Do you experience withdrawal symptoms during periods of sobriety?

Do you need greater amounts of alcohol to feel “drunk?”

Do you have an alcohol-related liver disease?

If you can answer yes to the above questions, seek immediate medical treatment. One should never attempt to stop drinking without a medical treatment plan.

If You or a Family Member Has a Drinking Problem:

Join a support group for people who are struggling with the same problems you are. Al-Anon, Alateen, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are all excellent support groups.

See a therapist, talk to a friend, or someone you can confide in. Isolation makes the situation much harder for you and your family.

Denying that there is a problem is damaging to you and to the rest of the family. As hard as it is to admit there is a problem, it can be liberating.

What Not To Do If Your Loved One Has A Drinking Problem:

Don’t cover up the problem or make excuses for the alcoholic.

Don’t take over responsibilities for the alcoholic as that will remove their dignity and sense of importance and enable their negative behavior.

Don’t be a martyr. Emotional appeals may further push the addict to abuse.

Don’t hide the bottles or shelter someone from situations where alcohol is present.

Don’t try to punish, threaten, preach or bribe the alcoholic.

Don’t ever, ever, EVER feel guilty or responsible for the behavior of the alcoholic. It’s not your fault. It cannot be your fault. You cannot make someone else do something they aren’t ready to do.

Additional Alcoholism Resources:

The 12-step programs, the Anonymous Programs, cover almost every addiction:

Alcoholics Anonymous The most widely used recovery and support group for alcoholics.

Al-Anon/Alateen 12-step recovery program for the families of alcoholics as alcoholism is a family disease.

Adult Children of Alcoholics– an anonymous 12-step program for adult children who grew up in an alcoholic home.

Additional Resources for Alcoholism:

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse– Research, publications, and resources about alcohol, alcoholism for families, health care providers and the general public.

Adult Children of Alcoholics, Janet G Woititz. This book provides wisdom and information for all adult children of dysfunctional families of alcoholics. It’s easily one of the best and most powerful books out there about growing up in an alcoholic home.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc Information and resources on alcoholism and drug dependencies, as well as support for parents, young people, and recovering addicts. Online tests available to help you determine if you or your loved one should seek help.

Reflections Rehab Center’s page offers a quiz to determine if you or a loved one are addicted to alcohol.

Page last audited 7/2018

Childhood Bullying Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018

What is Childhood Bullying?

Bullying used to be considered a “rite of passage,” something that kids just had to go through to “get their licks;” something to be survived. After the series of murders at Columbine High School as well as the recent rash of teen suicides, adults have finally begun to take an interest and a stand against bullying. Current estimates indicate that over half of all children will be the victim of bullies at some point during their schooling careers.

And now, unlike when we were kids, as we’re living in the Internet Generation, children have yet another place in which they are able to be the targets of bullies – the Internet.

The Importance of Not Labeling Kids

When referring to a bullying situation, it is easy to call the kids who bully others “bullies” and those who are targeted “victims,” but this may have unintended consequences. When children are labeled as “bullies” or “victims” it may:

• Send the message that the child’s behavior cannot change
• Fail to recognize the multiple roles children might play in different bullying situations
• Disregard other factors contributing to the behavior such as peer influence or school climate

Instead of labeling the children involved, focus on the behavior. For instance:

• Instead of calling a child a “bully,” refer to them as “the child who bullied”
• Instead of calling a child a “victim,” refer to them as “the child who was bullied”
• Instead of calling a child a “bully/victim,” refer to them as “the child who was both bullied and bullied others.

Kids Involved in Bullying

The roles kids play in bullying are not limited to those who bully others and those who are bullied. Some researchers talk about the “circle of bullying” to define both those directly involved in bullying and those who actively or passively assist the behavior or defend against it. Direct roles include:

• Kids who Bully: These children engage in bullying behavior towards their peers. There are many risk factors that may contribute to the child’s involvement in the behavior. Often, these students require support to change their behavior and address any other challenges that may be influencing their behavior.
• Kids who are Bullied: These children are the targets of bullying behavior. Some factors put children at more risk of being bullied, but not all children with these characteristics will be bullied. Sometimes, these children may need help learning how to respond to bullying.

Even if a child is not directly involved in bullying, they may be contributing to the behavior. Witnessing the behavior may also affect the child, so it is important for them to learn what they should do when they see bullying happen. Roles kids play when they witness bullying include:

• Kids who Assist: These children may not start the bullying or lead in the bullying behavior, but serve as an “assistant” to children who are bullying. These children may encourage the bullying behavior and occasionally join in.
• Kids who Reinforce: These children are not directly involved in the bullying behavior but they give the bullying an audience. They will often laugh or provide support for the children who are engaging in bullying. This may encourage the bullying to continue.
• Outsiders: These children remain separate from the bullying situation. They neither reinforce the bullying behavior nor defend the child being bullied. Some may watch what is going on but do not provide feedback about the situation to show they are on anyone’s side. Even so, providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior.
  • These kids often want to help, but don’t know how. Learn how to be “more than a bystander.”
• Kids who Defend: These children actively comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child’s defense when bullying occurs.

Most kids play more than one role in bullying over time. In some cases, they may be directly involved in bullying as the one bullying others or being bullied and in others they may witness bullying and play an assisting or defending role. Every situation is different. Some kids are both bullied and bully others. It is important to note the multiple roles kids play, because:

• Those who are both bullied and bully others may be at more risk for negative outcomes, such as depression or suicidal ideation.
• It highlights the need to engage all kids in prevention efforts, not just those who are known to be directly involved.

What Are The Types of Childhood Bullying?

There are any number of ways in which a child can be bullied. These include:

Physical Bullying – includes physical harm like hitting, kicking, punching, kicking or destroying another kid’s property.

Verbal Bullying – this type of bullying may be worse than actual physical violence. Verbal bullying includes teasing, gossiping, rumors, name-calling, taunting, and racial slurs.

Cyberbullying – this type of bullying includes mean and harassing emails, text messages, posting messages on blogs and leaving troll-ish comments on Facebook walls or Twitter accounts.

Signs Your Child May Be The Victim of A Bully:

There are many warning signs that may indicate that a child is being bullied. Your child may not come right out and say that he or she is the target of bullies – there is a lot of shame that goes along with being the target of bullies.

It’s vital that parents and other caregivers are able to recognize the signs that a child is being bullied. The signs of bullying may include the following:

Child comes home from school missing belongings, ripped clothes or damaged personal items.

Child claims to “lose” things like books, clothes, jewelry, or electronics.

Child appears to be easily distressed and emotional.

The child appears to be easily upset, cries easily and without much provocation.

Child exhibits disruptive and/or aggressive behavior – which is a change from previous behaviors.

Loses interest in talking to or visiting friends.

The child makes up excuses to avoid school or certain activities that were once loved.

The child has become secretive about his or her life – spending more time alone.

Hesitant to ride the school bus – asks for rides to school or volunteers to walk or ride a bike to school.

Newly fearful of different situations after previously being a fearless person.

Sudden bedwetting, nightmares, or trouble sleeping.

The child has many sudden and unexplained bruises or other injuries.

The bullied child begins to feel helpless, like he or she cannot control the situation.

Physical symptoms begin to emerge within the child. These may include stomach aches, headaches, vomiting, hair-pulling (dermatillomania).

Child begins to talk about death, dying, or suicide using phrases like “I wish I were dead.” May write stories about death, poems about death – death and dying may be romanticized in child’s life.

Has become a poor student – grades are suffering, interest in school is waning.

Child has only a few close friends – or none at all.

Child begins having problems eating or sleeping properly.

I’m Afraid My Child Is Being Bullied. Now What?

If you’re beginning to suspect (or have learned) that your child is being bullied, you may be outraged, furious that someone would hurt your child. You, as a parent, do need to take the situation seriously. Before you take action, take a deep breath and read the following tips.

Rather than approach it in an angry way with your child, be calm, and ask the child if he or she is being hurt by another person. A child may react to your anger and misinterpret as anger AT YOUR child, so being calm and collected is important

Tell your child that you believe him or her, that you’re going to help make this bullying stop. That you will make sure that your child is going to be safe, and protected.

Thank your child for opening up about being the victim of a bully, continue an open dialog about the day-to-day school experiences for the child.

Work with your child to teach him or her how to respond to different types of bullies.

Remind your child to ask the teacher, the lunchroom aide, the librarian, the counselor, any adult, for help dealing with the bullies.

Suggest that your child use the “buddy system” when at school or wherever the bullying takes place.

Talk to schools, teachers or other involved adults about your concerns about bullying so that a plan to stop bullying can be created.

Bring awareness to parent groups, PTA, or other groups and associations that correspond with your child.

Learn about bullying- help your child develop tactics and resources around bullying.

Familiarize yourself with legislation related to bullying. Many states have bullying legislation – call your representative for more information and to get involved.

What Do I Do If My Child Is A Bully?

While it may be very hard for parents to hear that their child is a bully, parents of children who bully must pay special attention to address this important issue before the situation becomes worse.

Parents of children who bully must remember that children who bully have a greater risk for criminal or risky behavior later in life. Be sure to work with your child’s school or a therapist to address these issues. Here are some tips for managing a child who bullies:

Ask your child about bullying. Listen objectively and calmly ask for an explanation of any situation in which your child is accused of being involved.

Make it clear that bullying is not okay and will not be tolerated. You can do this calmly and without berating the child. Any bullying on your end may further reinforce the negative behavior in your child.

Spend more time with your child and monitor activities and friends.

Provide clear consistent rules with consequences for negative behavior and praise for positive behavior at home.

Work with the school to send the message that bullying must stop.

Consult a therapist or school counselor to provide your child with additional help to understand the negative consequences of bullying.

A parent’s first instinct may be to deny the bullying and stand up and defend their child. This is especially true if the reporting parent is angry, hostile, or aggressive. As a parent, recognizing that there may be a problem is a first step. Ask for respect and calmness during the conversation and find out as many details as you can about the situation. Use this opportunity to build a relationship with the target’s family to help you monitor your child’s behavior.

Failure to manage and control the bullying behavior may lead to greater consequences in the future. A continued pattern of behavior will emerge including disrespect for authorities, vandalism, substance abuse, and maybe even conduct disorder.

What Are The Effects of Bullying?

Bullying can affect everyone—those who are bullied, those who bully, and those who witness bullying. Bullying is linked to many negative outcomes including impacts on mental health, substance use, and suicide. It is important to talk to kids to determine whether bullying—or something else—is a concern.

Kids Who are Bullied

Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, school, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience:

• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood.
• Health complaints
• Decreased academic achievement—GPA and standardized test scores—and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.

A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

Kids Who Bully Others

Kids who bully others can also engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. Kids who bully are more likely to:

• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults
• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school
• Engage in early sexual activity
• Have criminal convictions and traffic citations as adults
• Be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses, or children as adults

Bystanders

Kids who witness bullying are more likely to:

• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs
• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• Miss or skip school

The Relationship between Bullying and Suicide

Media reports often link bullying with suicide. However, most youth who are bullied do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behaviors.

Although kids who are bullied are at risk of suicide, bullying alone is not the cause. Many issues contribute to suicide risk, including depression, problems at home, and trauma history. Additionally, specific groups have an increased risk of suicide, including American Indian and Alaskan Native, Asian American, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth. This risk can be increased further when these kids are not supported by parents, peers, and schools. Bullying can make an unsupportive situation

Why Do Kids Bully?

There are many reasons why a child may bully another child. Sometimes they are unable to express their emotions constructively. Other times, they need a physical outlet for their anger. Perhaps their home life is disruptive, and they are not used to being accountable for their actions’ consequences.

Popular media also plays a part in why people bully. For example, there are many television shows that promote “voting people off” the show for poor skill, performance, or looks. These shows reinforce a child’s belief that treating people disparagingly is okay.

The internet has also provided a strong outlet for kids to bully one another. The internet is easily accessible by many avenues, and it is easier for a kid to “hide” behind the shield of the internet, and not experience the other kid’s reaction to the bullying.

Finally, bullying may be the result of a turbulent family home. Compassion is a good tool to have when interacting with a bully, because more often than not they feel just as alone and scared.

Additional Resources About Childhood Bullying:

Bullying Statistics – This website is a comprehensive look at bullying, bullying statistics, the types of bullying, and how to stop bullying whether you or your child is the bully or the target. This page discusses how to parent a bully.

Kids Health – This website is dedicated to kid health, and the page in particular to childhood bullying. The article discusses what it means to be bullied, how to stop it, and what to do.

It Gets Better – The It Gets Better Project is a nonprofit organization with a mission to uplift, empower, and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the globe.

Date or Acquaintance Rape Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018

For purposes of this article, the terms “sexual assault” and “rape” will be used interchangeably.

What is Date Rape?

Date rape, also known as acquaintance rape, is a sexual assault – or attempted sexual assault – committed by someone the sexual assault victim knows. Date rape, like other types of rape, involves sexual intercourse without mutual consent. Date rape is more appropriately called “acquaintance” rape, as “date” implies that the victim is in a relationship with his or her attacker.

While the term “rape” conjures up images of strangers attacking a random victim, almost 80% of rapes (or 4 out of every 5 rapes) are committed by people that the victim knows. A woman is four times more likely to be raped by someone she knows. Even if the perpetrator of the sexual assault has had previous consensual sexual relations with the victim, it is still illegal to force sex upon another.

Many people who have been raped by people that they know have a difficult time believing that what happened to them was rape. Rather than focusing upon the violation of the rape, he or she may blame him or herself for the rape.

It is important to remember that the act of rape has nothing to do with sex or passion or love – rape is always an act of aggression and violence.

The trauma of acquaintance rape is no less severe than a rape committed by a stranger.

How Common is Date Rape?

It’s unfortunate to note that date or acquaintance rape is far more common than you may think. While many rape victims do not report rape or sexual assaults, victims are even less inclined to report rape by someone that he or she knows.

The scary thing is that nearly 80% (4 out of 5 cases) of rapes are date rape situations. Effectively this means that a woman or man is 4 times more likely to be raped by someone she knows.

Who Commits Acquaintance Rape?

Those who commit acquaintance rape don’t have a particularly recognizable profile, there are some commonalities among those who commit acquaintance rape. These include:

• People who are aggressive in intimate relationships
• People who bend toward violence to solve problems
• People who are overly demanding of their partners.

A date rape perpetrator can be:

• Your partner
• An ex-partner
• A friend
• Someone you work with
• A new acquaintance

Acquaintance Rape Myths Dispelled:

“Men can’t be raped” – Most victims of acquaintance rape are female, but males can also be the victim of a sexual assault.

“He/She was asking for it” – Nobody “asks” to be raped.

“He/She just loves me – that’s how he/she shows it” – Rape is not a crime of love or passion – it is about violence and force.

“The victim had a lot of sexual partners” – It does not matter how many sexual partners a person has had – they still do not deserve to be raped.

“She was dressed provocatively. She was looking for sex” – Wearing a short skirt or skimpy clothing does not mean that someone is “asking for it,” or “deserves it.”

“He/She was wasted” – Being intoxicated by alcohol or other drugs does not imply consent to sexual intercourse.

“He/She bought me dinner!’ – Just because you buy dinner and drinks does not mean that you owe your date sex.

“He can’t control his urges – he’s a guy” – Guys CAN control their sexual urges.

“I didn’t fight back” – Even if you don’t fight back, it’s still rape.

“Only bad people get raped” – Even “nice” girls can be raped.

“Rapists LOOK like rapists” – Rapists are not generally scary looking people – they’re people from ordinary backgrounds of all ages.

“My attacker didn’t use a weapon, so it’s not rape” – It’s still rape even if the perpetrator does not use a gun or knife.

“I didn’t say NO” – Even if you did not expressly say no to the sexual encounter, there are many other ways that someone can insinuate that he or she is not in the mood for sex.

What Are The Three Stages of Acquaintance Rape?

In order to prevent an acquaintance rape, it helps to know what the stages of acquaintance rape are. Many of our societal norms dictate that we behave politely and passively around others. This means that we may suppress our feelings of discomfort and fear so that we don’t offend someone else. Above all else, no matter how rude you may feel, LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE – IT MAY TELL YOU WHEN SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.

Here are the three stages of acquaintance rape, as explained by RAINN:

1) Intrusion – this is an attempt by the rape perpetrator to violate the victim’s personal space and level of comfort. This may be demonstrated by revealing personal information, or via seemingly-accidental touches and stares.

2) Desensitization – this stage of acquaintance rape occurs when the victim feels comfortable around the rape perpetrator. He or she regards the intrusive behaviors as non-threatening. The victim during this stage of acquaintance rape may feel uneasy but often convinces him or herself that the feeling is unfounded.

3) Isolation – the rape perpetrator uses the victim’s trust to isolate the victim from others.

How Can I Spot The Warning Signs of a Date Rape?

There are a couple of things to keep in mind to try and avoid date or acquaintance rape.

• The most important thing when trying to prevent a date rape is this: Trust your gut – if it’s saying something’s wrong – LISTEN TO IT.

• Go out with a group when you’re going on a date.

• Organize your own way home so you don’t end up relying upon your date for a ride.

• Keep a cell phone on you.

• Most date rapes happen in the home, so be careful about inviting him or her inside and vice versa.

• Keep an eye on anyone who spends the night feeding you drinks. Being drunk can make your judgment VERY impaired.

• Keep an eye on your friends – make sure they’re not getting themselves into a dangerous situation.

• You ALWAYS have the right to say no. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

What Are The “Date Rape Drugs?”

Sometimes, rapists use extremely powerful drugs to assist in a sexual assault or acquaintance rape. These drugs may be slipped into a drink while the victim is not looking and may cause the victim to become weak, confused, and possibly pass out. Once a victim is passed out, he or she cannot resist sexual intercourse – and may not remember what happened.

These date rape drugs can be used on men and women and include the following:

Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) – a small, round, white pill (newer forms may be oval and grey-green colored) that dissolves in liquids. The dye in these new pills makes clear liquids turn bright blue and dark drinks cloudy – but the color change may be hard to note in a darkened room.

The effects of Rohypnol can be felt within 30 minutes and lasts a couple of hours. A person on Rohypnol may behave as though they are drunk – they may have trouble standing, speech may be slurred, or they may pass out.

Other effects may include:

• Feeling drunk
• Loss of muscle control
• Difficulties with movements
• Slurred speech – trouble talking
• Nausea/Stomach problems
• Amnesia – No memory of being drugged
• Confusion
• Dizziness
• Sleepiness
• Death

GHB (gamma hydroxybutyric acid) – comes in different forms – a colorless, odorless liquid, white powder or pill, that can give drinks a salty flavor that’s easily masked by juices or other sweet drinks. GHB takes effect about 15 minutes after it is ingested, and its effects can last 3-4 hours. Even a small amount can cause tremendous effects – so overdose on GHB is common.

Problems with GHB include:

• Sleepiness
• Nausea/Vomiting
• Problems with vision
• Dizziness
• Loss of consciousness
• Amnesia – cannot remember events that happened during drugging.
• Feeling as though in a dream
• Seizures
• Breathing difficulties
• Tremors
• Slowed heart rate
• Coma
• Death

Ketamine – comes in a liquid form or a white powder. Ketamine, or “Special K” is a fast-acting drug, that causes memory problems, inability to move, and amnesia. Other problems with Ketamine include:

• Distorted perceptions of sound and sight
• Inability to remember time and identity
• Out-of-body experiences and dream-like feelings
• Numbness
• Feeling out of control
• Problems with movement
• Impaired breathing
• Convulsions
• Vomiting
• Aggressive/violent outbursts
• High blood pressure
• Slurred speech

What About Alcohol?

Any drug that causes impaired judgment or different behaviors can put a person at risk for unwanted and/or risky sexual activity. Alcohol is known for such behaviors. Alcohol is also the most common drug used to aid in a sexual assault/rape. Why?

• It’s hard to think clearly while drunk
• It’s harder to set limits and make good choices while drunk
• It can be hard to tell if a situation is dangerous or bad
• It’s harder to say no to unwanted sexual advances
• It’s harder to fight back during a rape
• Blackouts and memory loss are common

Okay, How Do I Make Sure I’m Not A Victim To Date Rape Drugs?

There are some things to do to combat the usage of date rape drugs around you. Most of these are common sense ideas to avoid date rape drugs:

• Don’t take drinks from other people.

• If someone gives you a drink, don’t drink it.

• Open all containers yourself.

• Keep your drink with you all the time – even in the bathroom.

• Don’t drink anything from a punch bowl or other open containers as they may have been drugged.

• Don’t share your drink with anyone else or take a drink from someone else’s cup.

• Go with anyone who offers to get you a drink from the bar – watch as the drink is poured and carry it yourself.

• Don’t drink anything that tastes or smells weird – GHB may have a salty taste.

• Bring a designated driver, even if you’re walking – a sober buddy can help you make good decisions.

• Pour out any drinks you’ve left unattended.

• If you feel drunk and haven’t had much (or anything) to drink, call 911 immediately – some of these drugs can kill you.

How Do I Know If I Was Drugged and Sexually Assaulted?

Sometimes, it’s really hard to tell if you’ve been drugged with “date rape” drugs and raped – most people don’t remember being drugged or assaulted.

A victim may not remember the attack at all, or it may be 8-12 hours after the rape before he or she remembers it. The drugs used to facilitate sexual violence are fast acting and metabolize quickly. Unless the victim seeks help very quickly after the rape, he or she may not be able to prove that drugs were involved.

Signs that you may have been drugged and sexually assaulted include the following:

• Feeling drunk after only one drink or like the drinks are way stronger than normal.

• You wake up feeling super-hungover and confused – a whole chunk of time was lost.

• You can’t remember anything after your drink.

• Your clothes are torn, ripped or on your body the wrong way.

• You feel like you’ve had sex but have no memory of it.

What Do You Do If You’ve Been Drugged And Raped?

Call 911 and get medical care immediately. Alternately, find someone you trust to take you to the ER.

Don’t brush your teeth, urinate, wash your hands, eat, drink, change clothes, bathe, shower, douche before you go – this can remove valuable evidence of a rape.

Call the police from the ER – tell them all that you remember. Don’t be afraid to tell the story – nothing you have done means that you deserve to be raped.

Ask the hospital to test your urine for the date rape drugs – many of those metabolize quickly, so the sooner you can give a urine specimen, the better.

Don’t clean up the area where the sexual assault occurred – there could be evidence on a glass or on the sheets.

Be sure to follow up with a rape crisis counselor or a therapist who specializes in rape/sexual assault. You can call National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 to find a trauma counselor near you.

What Are The Feelings That I Might Feel After Rape By An Acquaintance?

After being raped by someone that you know, there are many feelings that you may feel. These feelings may be strange and new, but no matter how you feel, it’s normal. If you find yourself unable to cope after the rape, please seek professional help from a trained rape counselor.

Feelings post-rape may be any or all of the following:

• Problems sleeping
• Problems eating
• Wildly swinging moods
• Blaming yourself
• Feeling humiliated and ashamed
• Nightmares
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Fear of leaving the house
• Fear of another rape
• Anger
• Feeling helpless
• Using alcohol or drugs to “feel better”
• Self-injury
• Thoughts of suicide
• Feeling depressed

How Do I Cope With Acquaintance Rape?

There are a lot of different factors that make coping with a sexual assault by someone that you know challenging. Common reactions to date rape may include:

• Fear of retaliation for reporting the attack

• Fears of being harassed and/or assaulted again

• Fears of being harassed by family and friends of the attacker

• Fear that another attack will occur.

Common myths can also hinder recovery from sexual assault. Common rape myths may include the following:

• The attack was caused by the victim dressing provocatively, “he/she asked for it.”

• The attack was caused by the victim being intoxicated.

• The attack was caused because the victim had already been intimate with the attacker on previous occasions.

Blame for the attack may also hinder recovery from a date/acquaintance rape. Types of blame include the following:

• Victim believes that he/she caused the attack by being drunk and/or intoxicated.

• Victim believes he/she didn’t say no loudly enough.

• Victim feels he/she lead the attacker on.

• Family and friends blame the victim for the attack.

Continued Trauma With Acquaintance Rape:

Unlike a rape attack from a stranger, someone who is raped by someone he or she knows has an added layer to their healing: they may be forced to confront their attacker in a social setting, even if the rape goes unreported. Fears of these encounters can cause increased shame and humiliation for someone who is the victim of acquaintance rape.

How To Heal After Acquaintance Rape:

Healing after such a confusing type of rape can be extremely difficult. We here at Band Back Together have compiled a resource for those of you who have been raped or know someone who has been raped.

Date Rape Hotlines:

IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER CALL 911

If you have been sexually assaulted/raped and are in need of immediate assistance, call 1-800-656-HOPE.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Additional Resources For Date/Acquaintance Rape:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) – the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org, and publicizes the hotline’s free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual assault; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual assault, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.

Office on Women’s Health – US governmental website that has a list of common date rape drugs and their effects.

Joyful Heart Foundation: Created by Law and Order’s Mariska Hargitay for survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence, and child abuse. Their mission is to educate, empower and shed light into these terrible crimes and help the survivors heal.

Hope for Healing: A website dedicated to helping male victims of rape/sexual assault.

End the Backlog: A charity organization seeking justice for survivors by working in partnership with government, non-profits, advocates, and survivors to bring attention, funding and new legislation to reduce the backlog of untested rape kits across the country.

National Sexual Violence Resource Center: the nation’s principle information and resource center regarding all aspects of sexual violence.

It Happened to Alexa Foundation: provide funds for families to travel and be with a rape victim for the duration of the trial.

Page last audited 7/2019

Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

by Band Back Together | Jul 18, 2018

What is Childhood Sexual Abuse?

Child Molestation or childhood sexual abuse is defined as the act of a person – adult or child – who forces, coerces or threatens a child to have any form of sexual contact or to engage in any type of sexual activity at the perpetrator’s direction.

Any sexual contact, whether it be overt or not, between a child and someone the child trusts, damages a child in countless ways.

Child sexual abuse is shockingly common – by the age of 18, one in five boys and one in three girls will have been the victim of child sexual abuse. Despite the prevailing myths surrounding childhood sexual abuse, we must make it very clear that BOTH girls AND boys can be the victim of childhood sexual abuse.

The sexually abused child will stop growing and developing emotionally when the first attack occurs. Recovery from child sexual abuse doesn’t begin until the sexual abuse survivor becomes an adult…if then.

What Are The Acts of Child Sexual Abuse?

Sexual intercourse is not the only way in which a child can be sexually abused or molested. Other child sexual abuse acts may include some combination of the following.

Offenses that include touching are:

• Fondling
• Penetration of a child’s vagina or anus with either a penis or an object when not performed for a valid medical reason
• Forcing a child to touch an adult’s sexual organs

Offenses without touching include:

• Exhibitionism or indecent exposure
• Masturbating in the presence of a child
• Presenting pornographic materials to a child
• Exposing a child to sexual intercourse on purpose

Sexual Exploitation can include:

• Creating pornography with children in photographs, film or any form of modeling
• Soliciting a child for prostitution

Three Stages of Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse:

Stage I: Initial Reactions To Sexual Abuse

• Post-traumatic Stress Reactions – flashbacks, nightmares.
• Changes in normal child development.
• Cognitive distortions

Stage II: Accommodation To Ongoing Sexual Abuse

• Usage of coping behaviors to increase safety and reduce pain during sexual abuse. Coping behaviors include: memory suppression, denial, dissociation, Stockholm Syndrome, accommodation syndrome.

Stage III: Long-Term Elaboration and Reflections:

• Normal childhood development distorted.
• Ongoing coping responses to the abuse.

What Are Some Common Reactions to Child Sexual Abuse During Childhood?

Responses and reactions to childhood sexual abuse are varied from person to person and can include:

Emotional Isolation – children who live through sexual abuse feel emotionally isolated. Often, the abuser threatens the child he or she is abusing that the child must keep the secret. This burden of secrecy may continue well into adulthood. Keeping a secret like being sexually abused can make the child feel different, apart from others – like he or she isn’t “normal”.

Betrayed Trust – a child who has been sexually abused has also had their trust fragmented, especially if his or her abuser was a family member. Trusting other people – and even trusting yourself – after experiencing childhood sexual abuse can be very difficult.

Self-Blame and Guilt – children often misinterpret the reason that he or she was sexually abused. The child may feel as though the sexual abuse was his or her fault, or a punishment for misbehaving. The sexual assault perpetrator may even have told the child that he or she was “being punished” for “being bad.” As most children assume that adults are “right,” and the guilt and shame for being punished in such a violating manner can persist well into adulthood.

Triggers – childhood sexual abuse survivors often have things that trigger memories of the abuse. These triggers can include things like gynecological exams, childbirth, sexual touch from partners, certain smells, some colors, types of furniture or cars, can bring back memories that hold feelings about the abuse. These triggers can be very vivid and painful for a sexual assault survivor.

Challenges Affecting Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse:

All victims of sexual assault take time to heal. Because childhood sexual abuse interrupted an important developmental process and broke feelings of trust during a particularly vulnerable time, adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse may have stronger, different reactions than other sexual assault survivors.

Mourning – an adult survivor of sexual abuse may come to realize just how much he or she lost after he or she was victimized. Childhood sexual abuse means loss of innocence, loss of childhood experiences, loss of trust, innocence, a normal family dynamic. These losses must be named, grieved, then buried, to move on with your life.

Depression – among childhood sexual abuse survivors, the highest reported symptom is depression.

Suicidal Ideation – adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse may think often about death, dying and wishing they would die. If you, or someone you love, is considering suicide, please call The National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255.

Anger – many children who were sexually abused grow to feel very angry – the type of anger that is directed at fate or a deity, not at a person or a situation. Adult survivors of sexual abuse may feel anger at themselves – for not preventing the abuse, anger at the abuser, or anger at parents/caregivers for not protecting the child from the sexual abuse. As a child, your anger was powerlessness – it had no effect on the abuser.

Relationship Difficulties – sexually abused children are at the whim of their abuser and what the abuser wants. The adult’s desires and wants come ahead of the child’s needs. Often, the sexual abuse has been kept secret for many years. As a result, adult survivors of sexual abuse may struggle in relationships. They may put the needs of their partner well before their own. They may have problems asserting themselves with their partner, colleagues, family and friends.

Romantic Relationship Difficulties: an intimate relationship involves some amount of trust, respect, love, and intimacy. Learning to trust after the broken trust of childhood sexual abuse is beyond difficult. While learning to trust again, adult survivors may vacillate from being un-trusting to too trusting. There may also be an unhealthy fear of intimacy which can lead adult survivors to flee from intimacy or cling too tightly for fear of losing the relationship.

Sexuality – the childhood sexual abuse survivor likely had his or her first experience with sex as a result of the sexual abuse. This can make sex and sexuality very confusing for an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. During sexual acts as an adult, body memories may flood the body, interfering with the ability to have normal sexual relationships, may make the survivor scared, ashamed, and frustrated. On the opposite end of the spectrum, some adult survivors become overly promiscuous as a result of that childhood trauma.

Self-Harming Behaviors – to avoid the overwhelming memories and feelings of being a sexual abuse survivor, many people resort to self-harm and self-injury. An adult sexual abuse survivor may cut, burn, or otherwise maim parts of their body – including the genitals.

Eating Difficulties – many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse have problems with eating. They may also have issues with self-image. These problems with eating can involve starving themselves, binging and purging, or overeating.

Low Self-Esteem: due to the negative messages received by the abuser and internalized a result of childhood sexual abuse, low self esteem is common among adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

Substance Use and Abuse: due to the horrifying memories and jagged emotional scars left on adult survivors, many choose to self-medicate their problems away by using drugs and alcohol – leaving them numb. This clearly creates greater issues in the future.

How To Recover From Childhood Sexual Abuse:

People who seek out counseling or professional support of some kind have a chance to move forward and having a successful, safe and happy adult life. A therapist will be able to provide you with some coping techniques in order to move on with your life as a survivor, not a victim.

Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse often develop strategies for survival to protect themselves from the trauma that occurred in their childhood. Many people never discuss the abuse with anyone which is not healthy and can lead to harmful coping techniques.

Treatment for Childhood Sexual Abuse:

After a therapist, trained in trauma and abuse counseling is located, this is what an adult survivor can expect from therapy. It’s important to note that if an adult survivor does not feel comfortable with a therapist, he or she should shop around to find a better therapist.

Early Phases of Therapy: an adult childhood sexual abuse survivor works with a therapist to build trust in preparation for the healing process. The adult survivor is encouraged to share their stories of childhood sexual abuse, which may be difficult. Many of these memories may be jumbled up, fragmented, not along a timeline or continuum.

Middle Phases of Therapy: This is where the hard work of therapy begins, including reprocessing the trauma in these steps:

1. Acknowledge the childhood sexual abuse and the impact it has had on the adult survivor’s life.
2. Experiencing, then releasing some of the feelings associated with the trauma. Many times, these feelings have been unexpressed until now.
3. Exploring the feelings toward the abuser, the non-protective parents or caretakers.
4. Then making cognitive reassessments about the abuse, exploring the “why did it happen?” and “who was responsible?”

Once these steps have been repeated over and over, the traumatic events are confronted then processed. The adult survivor is then un-stuck in time, and the abused child is integrated into the adult self, so they can work together toward a goal. Cognitive restructuring, education, and creation of new coping strategies are learned and experienced.

A clear line between the present and the past can then be drawn, which places the adult survivor in more control of his or her life.

Termination Phase: the adult survivor has been empowered to make choices and decisions without the counselor. This forces the adult survivor to establish other support networks, like self-help group, friends, partners or other family members.

Self-Help For Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse:

Locate a therapist in your area who specializes in adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and make an appointment.

It’s okay to not want to see a therapist, but you should talk about what happened to you. It will release the pent-up emotions you’ve been holding on to.

Remember that the abuse was not your fault – it does not mean that you are trashy, dirty, or bad. The shame you feel should be the shame felt by your attacker.

Don’t tell yourself that “you should be over it by now.” The sexual abuse occurred during a pivotal time in your life, it disrupted normal childhood development, and it destroyed your childhood.

Take the time you need to mourn the loss of your childhood, the loss of your innocence, the loss of trust. Acknowledge that these losses occurred and take the time you need to grieve each of them.

Do not rush the grieving process – all of those feelings have been suppressed for so long that it will take a good deal of time to work through them.

Tell yourself that you are strong, and you will become something better than your abuser tried to make you.

Get to know yourself, mentally and physically. Reclaim your body as your own. Baby steps. Always baby steps. Celebrate your progress no matter how big or small.

It’s okay to be afraid to let a partner get to know you too fast. Or to be intimate. You set your own pace. Take your time to learn to trust them and yourself.

You are allowed to tell your partner that you want to take a step back if you find that being intimate is more than you think you can handle. If they care about you, they will understand. And if they don’t understand, then you deserve someone better.

It’s okay to enjoy sex as just sex. It does not make you a bad person because you have physical needs. Your abuser did not do this to you.

How to Help An Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse:

There are some ways that you can help an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Listen. Listen without judgment. If an adult survivor wants to tell you about what happened, know that this is a big leap of faith for them.

Tell them, “I believe you.” An adult survivor fears that people do not believe the sexual abuse occurred – often because they’ve been told that the abuse was all in his or her head.

Tell the adult survivor that you are always there whenever you need them – for whatever you need.

Don’t try to force them to talk about the sexual abuse. They’ve kept quiet about it for a reason.

If a male friend tells you that he is an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is extremely important that you tell him that you believe him. This is especially important as most men do not admit to being sexually abused.

Remind the adult survivor that it’s okay to trust their partner – their partner is not their abuser.

Don’t tell them time will heal all. While it may be true, it’s a cliche that sounds both dismissive and rude.

An adult survivor may worry about having kids, or being around kids, out of fear that they will perpetuate the vicious cycle of abuse. Tell them they are strong and can break the cycle.

If the adult survivor is nervous about having children, suggest a pet to ease into caring for someone dependent upon them.

Don’t tell them “it’s in the past.” For an adult survivor, it may still be very present in their minds.

Sexual Assault Hotlines:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

The National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255

Additional Resources For Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse:

Wings Foundation A private, not-for-profit agency founded in 1982 to help break the cycle and heal the wounds of childhood sexual abuse.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network The United States’ largest anti-sexual violence organization.

American Humane Association Ensuring the wellness and well-being of children and animals. Unleashing the full potential of the bond between humans and animals to the mutual benefit of both.

HAVOCA is run by survivors for adult survivors of child abuse. We provide support, friendship and advice for any adult who’s life has been affected by childhood abuse.

Emotional Abuse Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 16, 2018

Call 911 for all emergencies.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (2-24453)

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional Abuse is a form of abuse where the perpetrator uses fear, humiliation or verbal assault to undermine the self-esteem of their victim.

Many people think that if they’re not being physically abused, they’re not being abused. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Emotional abuse is extremely difficult to identify because it is often subtle. Emotional abuse leaves no physical “marks.”

Emotional abuse often accompanies other forms of abuse, but it can happen on its own as well. No abuse – neglect, physical, sexual or financial – happens without psychological consequences, therefore all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse doesn’t just “go away.”  Emotional abuse gets worse over time as it erodes a person’s self-esteem, confidence, and trust in their own judgment. It is similar to brainwashing – it can cause a victim to question reality and their own sanity, which leaves them at the mercy of relying on the very person who is abusing them.

Like other forms of abuse, emotional abusers strive to overpower the other person – the one with all the power has all of the control.

Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

How Does Emotional Abuse Happen?

Very few people willingly enter into an abusive relationship, but many of us who were emotionally abused as children find ourselves in emotionally abusive relationships as adults. We did not learn how to develop our own standards, viewpoints, or validate our own feelings as children, so as adults, the controlling/defining stance of an emotional abuser is familiar.

An emotional abuser (like his or her victim) struggles with feelings of powerlessness, anger and hurt, and may be attracted to those who haven’t learned to value themselves and their feelings.

The first step in recovery from emotional abuse is to evaluate and understand your relationship patterns (especially family relationships).

Knowing where you came from and why you’re like this can help prevent future abuse.

Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship:

How to Spot Emotional Abuse in Your Relationship

Signs You May Be Emotionally Abusive:

Although not an exhaustive list, here are some signs that YOU may be emotionally abusive:

• You feel your partner pushes your buttons.
• Your partner puts you in a bad mood.
• There are times you don’t want to speak to or be around your partner.
• You feel you have to criticize your partner for not being more efficient or more reliable or a better person.
• You treat your partner in ways you couldn’t have imagined when you first started loving her.
• You sometimes make your partner feel like a failure as a provider, partner, parent, or lover.
• You automatically blame your partner when things go wrong.
• You resort to name-calling, swearing at your partner or putting him down.
• You threaten to take his children away.
• Your family and friends would be surprised to know how you treat your partner behind closed doors

Children are sensitive to what is going on around them and to the environment in which they live. Emotionally abusive actions towards children may include:

• Ignoring your child when he or she is in need.
• Not calling your child by his or her name.
• Making your child feel unwanted.
• Comparing your child to siblings or peers.
• Isolating your child from family and friends.

Types of Emotional Abuse:

Emotional abuse can be subtle that reading this list may be an eye-opener for you:

Abusive Expectations – Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing – Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens, or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos – Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting – Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying – Denies personal needs (especially when the need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading – Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail – Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing – Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation – Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating – Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting – Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting – Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing – A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses – Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gas-lighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

What is the Long-Term Impact Of Being Abused?

 What Do I Do If I’m Being Emotionally Abused?

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and can be dangerous. If you do not have friends or family that can help you, please contact a local women’s shelter or other organization that can help you safely leave the abusive relationship. Here are some tips for things you can do to help yourself if you’re being emotionally abused:

Make yourself physically and emotionally well – step one will always be to make sure you’re getting all the help you can. Stop worrying about pleasing the person abusing you. Take care of your needs. Do something that will help you think positive and affirm who you are.

Establish healthy emotional boundaries with your abuser  – Firmly tell the abusive person that they may no longer yell at you, call you names, insult you, be rude to you, and so on. Then, tell them what will happen if they choose to engage in this behavior.

Stop blaming yourself – guilt may be the enemy of emotional abuse victims. What’s happened to you is not your fault – you couldn’t have known what your partner would do. If you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for any amount of time, you may believe that there is something severely wrong with you. Why else would someone who says they love you act like this, right? But you are not the problem. Abuse is a choice. 

Realize that you cannot “fix” the abusive person. Despite your best efforts, you will never be able to change an emotionally abusive person by doing something different or by being different. An abusive person makes a choice to behave abusively. Remind yourself that you cannot control their actions and that you are not to blame for their choices. The only thing you can fix or control is your response.

Do not engage with an abusive person. In other words, if an abuser tries to start an argument with you, begins insulting you, demands things from you or rages with jealousy, do not try to make explanations, soothe their feelings or make apologies for things you did not do. Simply walk away from the situation if you can.

Build a support network. Stop being silent about the abuse you are experiencing. Talk to a trusted friend, family member or even a counselor about what you are experiencing. Take time away from the abusive person as much as possible and spend time with people who love and support you.

Work on an exit plan. If your partner, friend, or family member has no intention of changing or working on their poor choices, you will not be able to remain in the abusive relationship forever. It will eventually take a toll on you both mentally and physically.

If your safety has been threatened, don’t hesitate to contact the local authorities.

Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships.

Remember that you’re not alone. The abuse is not your fault. No one deserves to be abused. Help is out there.

How Can I Help Someone In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

If safety is ever a concern, don’t hesitate to find outside help. Here’s the State Coalition page for a state-by-state list of resources.

Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships.

Be gentle when you talk to the victim in an emotionally abusive relationship. Criticism of the abuser and his or her behavior may cause the victim to withdraw from you. Offer to lend an ear if they’d like it.

Help the person disconnect from their abuser so that they can see the situation in a more balanced light. You may be able to help provide the distance and clarity needed for the victim of emotional abuse to see the patterns of abuse.

Suggest continued therapy to overcome the abuse and work through their issues.

Additional Emotional Abuse Resources:

Hotlines:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (2-24453)

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)

Websites:

State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Domestic Violence Coalition: State-by-State directory of the Domestic Violence Coalitions.

Domestic Violence Shelters: State-by-State Directory of Domestic Violence Shelters.

RAINN: The nation’s largest anti-sexual assault network and a list of International Sexual Assault Resources

Page last audited 7/1/2019