Anger Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

What is Anger?

Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people, however, the degree to which, the triggers for it, and the reactions to it are varied throughout people. Generally, anger triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with problems that keep us from attaining our goals.

The experience of anger varies widely; how often anger occurs, how intensely it is felt, and how long it lasts are different for each person. People also vary in how easily they get angry (their anger threshold), as well as how comfortable they are with feeling angry. Some people are always getting angry while others seldom feel angry. Some people are very aware of their anger, while others fail to recognize anger when it occurs. Some experts suggest that the average adult gets angry about once a day and annoyed or peeved about three times a day. Other anger management experts suggest that getting angry fifteen times a day is more likely a realistic average. Regardless of how often we actually experience anger, it is a common and unavoidable emotion.

Anger can be constructive or destructive. When well managed, anger or annoyance has very few detrimental health or interpersonal consequences. At its roots, anger is a signal to you that something in your environment isn’t right. It captures your attention and motivates you to take action to correct that wrong thing. How you end up handling the anger signal has very important consequences for your overall health and welfare, however. When you express anger, your actions trigger others to become defensive and angry too. Blood pressure rises and stress hormones flow. Violence can ensue. You may develop a reputation as a dangerous ‘loose cannon’ whom no one wants to be around.

Out of control anger alienates friends, co-workers and family members. It also has a clear relationship with health problems and early mortality. Hostile, aggressive anger not only increases your risk for a premature death but also your risk for social isolation, which itself is a major risk factor for serious illness and death. These are but two of many reasons why learning to properly manage anger is a good idea.

While anger is a normal, usually healthy emotion everyone experiences from time to time, when anger becomes uncontrollable, it often causes problems at home and at work.

What Causes Anger?

Anger may happen instinctively in humans and other animals to protect territory, offspring and family members, secure mating privileges, prevent loss of possessions or food, and other perceived threats. Often anger is caused by  “perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values.” The values may be related to pride, love, money, justice, and so on.

Factors that commonly make people angry are:

• Grief after a major loss (death of a loved one, loss of a job, homelessness)
• Feelings of sexual frustration
• Disappointment or failure
• Rudeness and injustice
• Exhaustion
• Hunger
• Pain
• Use of or withdrawal from alcohol, drugs, medications, or other addictive substances
• Physical conditions, such as pre-menstrual syndrome
• Physical or mental illness
• Being teased, bullied, or humiliated
• Embarrassment and shame
• Stress, for example, over deadlines or financial problems
• Traffic jams
• Sloppy service
• Infidelity
• Burglary
• Being told you have a serious illness.

What Are The Ways We React To Anger?

There are a multitude of reasons that we become angry, and these vary from person to person.

Expressing Anger:

As anger is an adaptive response to threats that allows us to defend ourselves when we’re attacked, anger is necessary for survival, but we must place limits on how far we allow anger to take us.

1) Expressing anger in an assertive way by making your needs known and expressing how to get them met is the healthiest way of handling anger.

2) Suppressing anger happens when you hold the anger inside and focus on something else, converting your feelings into more productive behavior. Suppressing anger can be helpful, but if the anger remains unexpressed, it turns inward.

3) Unexpressed Anger can lead to a cynical disposition marked by passive-aggressive behavior. Those who criticize others or put them down haven’t learned how to properly express anger.

Signs You May Have Uncontrollable Anger:

• Are you angry a lot of the time?

• Are you angry without an identifiable cause?

• Has anyone ever said they are afraid of you?

• Have you found yourself in difficult situations (personally or professionally) because you acted in anger without considering the consequences of your words or actions?

• Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?

• Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?

• Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?

• Has a loved one ever accused you of being angry and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?

• Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?

• Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall?

• Have you ever been “blind” with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?

What Are The Health Repercussions of Anger?

Anger takes a lot out of a person. When you’re angry, your body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. Slowly, your heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and breathing rate increase.

Regular anger can eventually make people ill because recurrent, unmanaged anger can result in a constant flood of stress chemicals which is hard on your body and can lead to metabolic changes that eventually undermine your health.

The following physical health problems may occur:

• Backache
• Headaches
• Hypertension, or high blood pressure
• Insomnia
• Irritable bowel syndrome, or other digestive disorders
• Skin disorders
• Stroke
• Heart attack
• Lower pain threshold
• Weakened immune system, resulting in more infections, colds, and influenza.

Emotional and mental consequences of frequent, uncontrolled anger include:

• Depression and moodiness
• Eating disorders
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Self-injury
• Low self-esteem.

Ways To Keep Your Anger Managed:

Anger management involves skills of recognizing the signs of anger and taking action to deal with the situation in a positive way. It does not mean holding the anger in or avoiding angry feelings. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when expressed appropriately.

Anger management teaches people how to recognize frustrations at an early stage, and to settle them in a way that allows the person to express their needs, while remaining calm and in control.

Coping with anger is an acquired skill.

Anger management helps a person to identify what triggers their emotions, and how to respond for a positive outcome.

A person whose anger is having negative consequences on a relationship, or is leading to violent or dangerous behavior may be advised to see a mental health counselor or to take an anger management class.

Some ways to manage your anger include:

Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and meditation can help control anger.

Take a break. Sometimes, our environment may irritate us to the point of anger. Make sure you have some personal time scheduled each day.

Solve problems with a plan. Since not all anger is misplaced, sometimes anger is a natural response to a very difficult situation without a “right” answer. Rather than focus on the solution, figure out how to manage the problem by making – and sticking to – a plan. Give it your best, but don’t become angry at yourself if you can’t find an answer immediately.

Change the way you think:

• Use cold logic on yourself as logic is rational and anger is irrational.

• Avoid using “always” and “never” when talking to yourself or someone else.

• Remind yourself that anger makes you feel worse, not better.

• Replace inner negative thoughts with more positive ones.

Use humor to diffuse rage and provide a more balanced perspective. Imagine the asshole that cut you off on the highway is actually a giant asshole. This should take some of the edge off the anger.

Recording the feelings during an episode, and what happened before, during, and after may help a person to anticipate anger triggers, and to cope when episodes occur.

Understanding what happened, what worked and what did not work can help to achieve a more effective anger management plan.

Don’t Repress: It is important not to repress the anger, but to express it when the person has calmed down, in an assertive, non-aggressive way.

Regular exercise can regulate levels of adrenaline and cortisol levels, as well as increasing levels of endorphins, the natural feel-good hormones. You will also sleep better; a crucial factor for good mental health.

Plan Ahead: If you’re is bothered by something, planning what to say beforehand can help prevent the conversation from getting sidetracked.

Focusing on the solution, not just the problem is more likely to resolve the issue.

Letting go of resentment helps, because bearing grudges fuels the anger and makes it harder to control. Other people are the way they are, and accepting this can help.

Timing is important. If evening discussions tend to turn into rows, possibly due to tiredness, change the times when you talk about important matters.

Anger can increase breathing and heart rates and tense up the muscles, but this can be reversed by deliberately slowing the breathing and systematically relaxing and loosening the muscles.

Getting at least 7 hours of good quality sleep every night contributes to good mental and physical health. Sleep deprivation has been linked to a number of health problems, including anger.

Use better communication by slowing down and thinking through your responses before spurting them out. Being defensive when criticized is normal, but listen to what the other person is saying before jumping to conclusions and acting out in anger.

Therapeutic counseling and classes are often recommended for people whose anger causes them to do things they regret, cause harm to the people around them, or whose behaviors are taking a toll on their personal and professional lives.

Know when to walk away: If you are confronted by a person who is irrationally angry, the best course of action is to walk away. It’s important to take reasonable precautions to protect yourself if leaving is difficult or impossible.

Therapy For Anger:

Anger management therapy may be in group sessions, or one-on-one with a counselor or psychotherapist.

If the person is diagnosed with a mental health condition, such as depression, anger management should take this into account.

In anger management training, a person learns to:

• Identify what makes them angry
• Respond in a non-aggressive way to anger triggers, before getting angry
• Handle the triggers
• Identify moments when thought processes are not leading to logical and rational conclusions, and to correct their thinking
• Return to a state of calm and peace when anger surges
• Express feelings and needs assertively in situations that normally lead to anger and frustration, without becoming aggressive
• Redirect energy and resources into problem-solving rather than anger.

First, the person needs to learn to fully recognize their anger. The following questions may help:

• How do I know when I am angry?
• What type of people, situations, events, places, triggers make me angry?
• How do I respond when I am angry? What do I do?
• What impact does my angry reaction have on other people?

It can help to understand that anger and calmness are not clear-cut emotions. Anger can range from mild irritation to full rage. Knowing this can help people to understand when they are really angry and when they are just irritated.

Emotional symptoms that may develop as a person moves from irritation to rage include:

• A desire to escape from the situation
• Irritation
• Sadness or depression
• Guilt
• Resentment
• Anxiety
• Desire to lash out verbally
• Desire to lash out physically.

The following signs may also occur:

• Rubbing the face with the hand
• Fidgeting, or clasping one hand with the other
• Pacing around
• Becoming cynical or sarcastic
• Losing the sense of humor
• Becoming rude and abusive
• Crave substances that the person thinks will relax them, such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs
• Speaking louder
• Screaming or crying.

Physical symptoms that can occur include:
If not treated, anger problems can lead to further psychological problems such as anxiety and depression.

• Grinding teeth
• Clenching the jaw
• Upset stomach
• Elevated heart rate
• Sweating
• Rapid, shallow breathing
• Hot flashes in the face or neck
• Trembling hands, lips or jaw
• Dizziness
• Tingling at the back of the neck.

If a person can recognize whether they are irritated, angry or furious, they can use anger management techniques to control the situation.

Additional Anger Resources:

If anger has caused a person to become violent or someone you know is in physical danger, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Evolution of Self: What Your Anger May Be Hiding. An article from Psychology Today written by a psychologist

Taking Charge of Anger: website explaining anger to children.

Post last audited 7/2019

Emotional Regulation Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

What Are Emotions?

The term ’emotion’ is one that is both complex and very simple. On the lowest-level, emotions are how you physiologically and mentally respond to a stimulus. Someone tells a joke, you laugh. You suffer a loss, you cry.

Emotions are the building blocks of our experiences, and allow our body to manage the stress of each situation more easily. For example, there are many situations that are just plain overwhelming and laughing or crying can be a way to release some of the steam. Further, emotions serve to protect us by allowing us to feel fear.

Despite all this, emotions can still be kind of a pain in the butt. No one really likes to be snot-nosed and puffy-faced. Just keep in mind that without emotions, we would have a very flat experience. What is joy without knowing sadness? What is loss without love?

What’s worse is experiencing these emotions and not understanding what they are and how we process them.

Why Do We Experience Emotions?

As mentioned, emotions serve several purposes in the human experience.

Building Blocks: As the building blocks of the human experience, the average person experiences tens of emotions every day. While estimates vary, it is safe to say that there are fewer moments throughout the day that you DON’T experience emotions, than when you do. Even as infants we experience the rudimentary emotions – happy, sad, scared, angry. Many of these emotions are “fundamental” in that just about every culture in the world can identify them consistently.

The most critical emotional development we go through occurs in childhood. As a child, it is often difficult to identify emotions and properly labeling them. Failure to develop this skill can lead to a more difficult emotional experience into adulthood. Mis-identifying emotions can make it more difficult to identify what you are feeling and why, and thus to resolve or respond to the situation more effectively.

Finally, emotions do much to color our everyday experience. A life rich in emotions gives context, balance, and perspective to the situations you experience.

Bio-Feedback: Another main purpose to emotions is that they provide “bio-feedback.” Essentially, emotions tell us how our body and mind are feeling and direct the body in next actions, such as “fight or flight.”

Stress Dispersal: In a technical sense, the body is placed under continual stress the entire time you are awake. As we all know, life rarely allows you a day completely devoid of all stressful situations. When this stress occurs, emotions again help your body out by releasing hormones to give you a leg up on responding to the situation. Additionally, sometimes strong emotions can be a major stress-relief, such as when you rage, sob, or laugh.

Emotional Context: Emotional context is what makes our lives richer. The contrast between emotions adds depth and significance to what we feel, why we feel it, and when we feel it. Knowing unfettered joy is made more significant by devastating sadness. Fear is more poignant by moments of safety and contentment. Emotions all balance each other and add a rich layer of understanding to everyday life.

Survival Instinct: This doesn’t apply to all emotions; however, some emotions including fear, terror, unease, and anxiety, serve as a warning. These emotions again cue your “fight or flight” response to kick into gear so that you can respond to a potentially harmful or life-threatening position. As endorphins flood your system, non-vital systems shut down so that the body can create reserves in case of prolonged, immediate, and severe action.

What Do Emotions Feel Like?

This is one of the hardest things to learn about emotions. Not only is there an intellectual experience to how we experience emotions, but there are also many, many physical cues we are given to understand emotions as well.

Heart: The heart plays a role in just about every emotion we experience. As you experience an emotion, your heart rate may speed up, race, flutter, or in some cases, slow down. You may experience this as a pounding sensation, light-headedness, coldness, or a rapid fluttering experience.

Skin: A lot of the bio-feedback we get is from changes in our skin. You may start to sweat, shiver, become cold, or become clammy. In some cases, you may flush as blood races to your cheeks, or you may become very pale.

Mouth: When we are scared or nervous, sometimes we get a “cotton-mouth” feeling where the mouth becomes very dry. Your mouth might feel sticky and dry, and it may become hard to speak. Other experiences include a “lump” in your throat or excessive salivation.

Temperature: Depending on the emotion you feel, your temperature may change to accommodate changing needs from your system. As your heart races and your breathing increases your body temperature may go up. However, if the blood drains from your face, you are sad and heavy feeling, your temperature may go down.

Stomach: A lot of people “experience” emotions in their stomach. This can include feeling butterflies, a pit in your stomach, stomach aches or cramps, or nausea.

How Do Emotions Work?

In order to best understand emotions, it’s important to understand the “life-cycle” of an emotion. How does one start? How do you identify it? What happens then? Here are the steps of how we experience an emotion:

1. Prompting event: An initial event occurs that prompts a response.
2. Your interpretation of the event: This refers to how you view the event – positive, negative, etc.
3. At the same time as you’re interpreting the event, automatic changes occur in your body. This includes things such as releasing neurochemicals, hormones, and changes in your body, such as temperature changes, heart rate, breathing rate, muscle tension, and nerve impulses.
4. As the automatic processes get started in your body, you then begin to physically react. These are voluntary responses, such as facial expressions, changing your posture, taking action, and verbal expressions.
5. All of these pieces come together to allow you to name the emotion you’re experiencing.

This is a totally hard concept to explain as well as to understand. Here are some examples to further demonstrate how emotions work.

You’re driving in traffic when someone cuts you off, almost causing you to get into an accident. (prompting event).

You register the danger, as your heart-rate spikes, you get a dose of adrenaline, your stomach drops, and you gasp. (interpretation, automatic changes).

You scowl and yell “Watch it you jerk!” (voluntary reaction, verbal expression)

Emotion experienced? Anger.

You sit down with a nice cup of coffee from your favorite coffee shop. The person working at the espresso bar smiles at you (prompting event).

You feel butterflies in your stomach, your spirits lift, and you feel giddy (automatic changes).

You smile in return (voluntary reaction).

Emotion experienced? Infatuation

As you can see from these examples, there are physical body cues that accompany each emotion. They can overlap and some emotions may feel very similar to one another. It is also worth mentioning that there can be multiple prompting events. For example, after smiling at the person at the espresso bar, maybe he or she gives you his or her number. That can be a new prompting event.

Once you get the hang of identifying the emotions you’re feeling on a regular basis, you can start looking at “secondary emotions.” Most typically these are emotions such as shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Secondary emotions are the result of feeling an emotion about your emotion, such as feeling guilty about being disappointed.

How Do I Know What Emotion I’m Experiencing?

This is by far the hardest question. Learning the language of emotions is not an easy thing, especially if you have spent many years not knowing what they are or how to articulate them. The key to truly learning emotions is to practice practice practice.

Practice is key- which includes practicing when you’re happy and practicing when you are sad. The more you evaluate these emotions, the better able you will be to identify them and thus process them.

To help get you started, here are some general descriptions of some emotions.

• Happiness: For many, happiness is best described by feelings of lightness in the body and in the spirit. Your skin may feel tingly and you may feel like you can jump out of your skin. Smiling and laughter are often expressions of happiness. Happiness can also be described as being in a good mood, being good-tempered, and being bubbly. Tasks often feel easy and the time may pass quickly.
• Sadness: Sadness is often described by feelings of heaviness. It may be difficult to complete tasks as it is hard to get motivated. Sleepiness is common, as well as the tendency to isolate yourself. Crying is a common physical expression of sadness, as well as feelings of a lump in your throat, a pit in your stomach, or anxiety.
• Anger: Anger is one of the most varied emotions. Anger can be very hot in that your face and skin feel flushed and you might start sweating. You may raise your voice and act impulsively. You may ball your fists, and make your posture taller and more leaned forward. Crying is possible. Anger can also be very cold in that you become very controlled and contained. Often the voice lowers and becomes softer. There are feelings of fury that are measured rather than impulsive, as behavior and words are very calculated.
• Fear: Fear is pretty much universal. Often it is characterized by large spikes in adrenaline that allow your body to react quickly to the situation. Some people react to fear by crying, screaming, gasping, panting, laughing, or by reacting physically such as to lash out physically.
• Joy: Joy is a sub-set of happiness. However, joy is often a term used as a bigger expression of happiness. Joy is often about feelings of endless possibilities and potential. You may feel on top of the world and empowered to do anything you set your mind to.
• Love: Love is another varied emotion from person to person. Some feel butterflies in their stomach, others feel tingly, and others still feel a lightness about them. Some people smile unprovoked, or hum and sing. Infatuation may be a more physical expression, whereas true love is a deeper emotional feeling.

What Do I Say/Do In An Emotional Situation?

So hooray! You’ve learned the basics about how to identify your emotions. What do you do if all you feel are an abundance of emotions all the time? Emotions can be extremely overwhelming depending on timing, space, and issues involved. The trick to regulating your emotions is to find ways of slowing down those emotional processes.

As the outline suggests above, if you can interject some logic into the emotional experience, it is possible to slow the feeling down enough that you can process it on your terms, instead of letting it control you. A good way to introduce logic includes “observe and describe.” Observe what you are feeling in your body. Where do you feel it? How strong is that feeling? What is prompting these feelings?

All of these questions do much to take an emotional step back. You can also use visualization techniques. Imagine that you are taking your emotion and placing it on a shelf in a box. You’re not ignoring it, you’re just setting it aside. Ignoring emotions often make them stronger and they return time and time again. If I say not to think about elephants, all you think about are elephants.

Here are some other ways of taking an emotional step back:

• Breathe breathe breathe.
• Count to ten.
• Take a deep breath in, and release it slowly.
• Take a break – even if this means going to the bathroom to get some space.
• Talk it out.
• Journal about your emotions – What did you feel? When? What about?
• Yoga/meditation/spirituality/religion.
• Therapy.
• Exercise.
• Mental health day.

There are also times in which you are in the middle of an intense situation. Here are some phrases that may help you take that emotional step back if needed.

• I feel too upset to talk about this right now.
• I want time to think about how to respond.
• I feel [emotion].
• It seems like we both/all are very invested in this issue. Let’s take some time to think about it, calm down, and approach the issue from a fresh perspective.

Remember, it’s all about taking care of you. Emotions don’t have to control and mystify you. Think of it as another language to learn. Practice in a variety of situations, even if that means taking the emotion apart after the experience, and remember to take a break and find ways to regain control of the situation.

Page last edited 7/2019

Emotions Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

Family Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 11, 2018

Divorce Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 10, 2018

If you are in danger because of domestic abuse, please consider contacting the following free, anonymous, and confidential national hotline to assist you in obtaining safety and identifying local resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

In America, 45-50% of first marriages end in divorce and while divorce is a fairly common occurrence, it is almost never easy. Even if the divorce is one that both partners want and is best for all concerned, involves the death of a dream and a major life change. If the end of a marriage or other primary relationship is contested or involves disputes over money or property, it becomes even more difficult. And if the relationship involves children, and especially if there are issues around child custody, the world might just feel like it’s wobbling on its axis.

Divorce creates complex emotions even if you are the one who wanted it. It is a major loss of a number of things which can explain why this process can be so painful. The types of losses and grief experienced before, during, and after the divorce are challenging under the best of circumstances and include:

• Grief over the loss of a partner and the experiences you had with your partner (even if they weren’t great experiences)
• Loss of support from your partner, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
• Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams you two had shared.

Actually feeling those losses and the pain they cause can be scary and overwhelming. Some people fear that these emotions are far too intense to live with and that they will be stuck in the dark space forever. It’s important to remember that grieving – no matter what – must occur in order to begin healing. The pain of grief is what lets you let go of your relationship and move on. No matter how deeply you grieve, it doesn’t last forever.

Most people dealing with a divorce will experience three stages of emotions:

• Stage 1 – Shock, Denial, Anger, Sadness
• Stage 2 – Adjustment
• Stage 3 – Healing and Growth

Relationships with family and friends can be affected during this process, especially if you and your spouse had mutual friends or if there are many opinions surrounding your relationship. While family and friends should not be counted out entirely when considering your support network, you may want to consider additional resources to aid with the emotional impact that divorce can have on your life, such as a support group or individual therapy.  Whether the end of the relationship was approaching over a long period of time or happened suddenly, it is not unusual to experience overwhelming emotions when coping with such a major life change.  Professional help can be beneficial when learning new coping and/or life skills.

Ways To Handle The Grief of Divorce:

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s imperative to identify and acknowledge these feelings, no matter how painful. Trying to suppress these feelings will only make the grieving of the loss worse.

Discuss your feelings – It can be a challenge to talk about your feelings with others, but it is extremely important to find a way to do so as you grieve your loss. Letting out your feelings so that another person can make you feel less alone and begin to heal. If you’re having too much trouble talking it out, go ahead and start a journal where you can write down your feelings.

Keep in mind that the goal is to move on – Talking about your feelings can free you a bit however, it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in the blame game, anger, and resentment will suck your energy and prevent you from moving on.

Look to the future – When you commit to another person, there are many many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a divorce, you have to grieve the loss of those dreams, which is why it’s important to remember that this too, will pass. You may have lost the future you’d dreamed of, but eventually, you’ll be okay again. Those dreams will turn into new hopes and dreams that’ll replace your old dreams.

Understand that prolonged grief can turn into depression: Emotions and grief can paralyze you after a divorce, but the sadness does eventually lift and you start moving on – little by little. If you notice that you can’t move on or begin to feel better, your grief may have become Major Depressive Disorder, which can be treated by a psychologist. Please call your doctor for any help with depression.

Why Reaching Out After Divorce Is So Important:

It may scare you to reach out to others during the divorce, especially if people have taken sides, but it’s important that you not go through this alone. You may feel alone, but support from other people can ease your pain. Don’t try to do this on your own and don’t try to suppress your feelings to make others “feel better” about your divorce.

It’s NOT your job to make others feel better about the divorce – it’s really easy to put on your Game Face and try to show the world how evolved you are, especially since it puts others at ease. This is not only not your job, but it can impede your ability to try and reach out to other people.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members – Almost everyone has been through a painful breakup which can make it easier to talk to them. They’ll understand what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, which can validate your feelings. You can look to these people in order to find assurances that life goes on as well as what moving on can be. This is a great opportunity to regain some of the control in your life.

Spend your time wisely – In just about every circle of family and friends, there are a few outliers: people who don’t “get it” or have chosen to take your partner’s side in the divorce. Steer clear of them. Choose wisely. The last thing you need is someone telling you that what you did was “wrong.” Choose people who support, love, and care for you as you need the lightness and positivity in your life.

Don’t feel bad about seeing someone professionally – If you can’t reach out to your friends and loved ones, or you feel as though you have none, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a counselor trained in divorce or joining a support group. You need to be where you feel free to open up. If reaching out to others.

Make new friendships – If you don’t feel as though you have friends that you can turn to, find some other people who do understand you. Write a post for The Band, Volunteer with us, hang out with people from your support group, work, or on social media.

The Divorce Process:

In most cases, it’s harder to obtain a divorce than it was the marry in the first place, as legal unions have far-reaching impacts on things like government taxes, power of attorney, and health care decisions and coverage.  The longer the union lasted, the more complicated the paperwork and negotiations may be in order to obtain “dissolution.”  Most states have a waiting period of at least 6 months before divorces are finalized, as well.

Couples involved in separation and divorce will likely need to make decisions regarding:

• Finances
• Division of belongings and/or property
• Legal representation
• Living arrangements
• Custody arrangements if you have children
• Communication with your spouse
• Paperwork – how it will be filed, who will begin the process, and changes to legal documents once the divorce is finalized

These decisions can be made independently or with professional help.

Divorces Without Legal Representation

If you and your spouse do not share property or have children, you may qualify for an annulment depending upon your state’s law and the length of the union.  The annulment process is sometimes simpler than a divorce and may cost less, so it is worth investigating your state’s laws.

Whether you choose annulment or dissolution, if the divorce is uncontested by your spouse there are many agencies that will prepare the necessary forms and paperwork for a fee based on the information you provide.  It is important to find out whether the agency has the forms necessary for your particular state’s laws. You may also want to ask how the agency will handle the situation if the court rejects any paperwork.  Not all agencies are created equally.

Mediators: Mediation can be very useful in helping two individuals compromise on decisions regarding the divorce details, parenting plans, and/or custody agreements.  Mediators do not provide advice or act as lawyers – they are neutral parties that facilitate communication between spouses.  Many individuals may feel more comfortable with a mediator because unlike a lawyer, a mediator does not control paperwork or get involved in court proceedings.

Divorces Requiring Legal Representation: Your divorce may require a lawyer if you and your spouse do not agree on the division of property, financial arrangements, child custody, or if there are communication difficulties.  Some workplaces provide pre-paid legal services while others have Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that will offer a free consultation with a lawyer (contact your Human Resources department for information).  If you have financial constraints, it is a good idea to find out ahead of time how the lawyer charges for services (i.e. is there a retainer fee and, if so, how much?  will the lawyer work pro bono or for a reduced fee?  can the lawyer provide an estimate of overall expense?  does the lawyer charge by the hour or by the amount of paperwork, and is there an estimate based on previous experience?) and what his/her caseload is like.  Legal fees can quickly add up and contribute to the stress of obtaining a divorce.

Local Divorce Assistance and Information: Your local courthouse may provide a hotline or workshop to aid in finding professional assistance or filling out and filing paperwork.  These resources are usually free and can be found on the state, county, or city court’s website under the Family Law section.

Self-Care During and After the Divorce:

It’s imperative that you remember the mantra of the airplane stewards: “Put on your own mask first before you help others.” You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself first. Here are some ideas for self-care before, during, and after a divorce:

Nurture thyself – Make sure to schedule time each day for things you find soothing – go for a walk, listen to music, get a massage, talk to friends, engage in hobbies (always room to develop one)

You have needs – Your needs matter to you and to others. Don’t hesitate to express your needs, no matter how different it may be from what other people want from you. Saying “NO” is okay and shouldn’t make you feel guilty or upset for doing so. Your needs matter.

New Routine – to say “divorce changes everything,” is an understatement. It can lead you to feelings of stress, chaos, and uncertainty. It may seem a little weird to start a new routine, but it does help with your feelings and increase your feelings of normalcy. If you know what your routine is, you always know what comes next.

Take time out – Your brain may not be quite normal after a divorce, so don’t make any major life decisions for at least a few months following a divorce. You need to be less emotional and have more stability before you decide to move across the country, buying a house, or getting married again.

Don’t develop an addiction – During a divorce, you may want to do ANYTHING to make the hurt, pain, and loneliness go away. We get that. Unfortunately, using drugs, alcohol, or food to escape is not only unhealthy, but it also prohibits growth and grief and is a destructive thing to invite into your mind. You’ve got to confront those feelings, not hide from them.

New Hobbies –  A divorce is an ending and a beginning. You have a unique chance to start over and be the person you always wanted to be. Start trying new things, things that make you feel good about yourself. Your past is over and moving on means (in part) that you must learn to live in the moment. You’re here now, and while it sucks, you can live in the present.

Using Your Divorce to Learn From Your Mistakes:

One of the most important things you can do after a divorce or breakup is to learn from your mistakes, rather than dwelling on them for the rest of your life. No divorce is one-sided; each partner plays a role. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes before you move on.

Ask yourself (and answer and evaluate yourself honestly):

1. In the big picture, how did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
2. Do you repeat the same mistakes?
3. Do you consistently choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?\Could you act in a more constructive way to your stress, conflicts, and insecurities?
4. Do you accept people as they are or as you want them to be?
5. Are you in control of your feelings or are they controlling you?

Who Gets The Pets In A Divorce?

You might think of your dog as your fur child, but the law does not agree. “In the eyes of the law, they are really no different than the silverware, the cars, the home,” says Joyce Tischler, director of litigation for the Animal Legal Defense Fund.

But in more and more American homes, splitting the pets could get pretty contentious as more couples have fewer children than a generation or two ago and view their pets as their kids or companions, owners pay $2,000 for an orthopedist to reconstruct a dog’s knee; designers such as Isaac Mizrahi create pink trench coats and white tulle bridal dresses for the fashion-conscious canine whose owner shops at Target, and high-end pet stores sell rhinestone-studded dog collars, peanut butter biscotti instead of run-of-the-mill dog treats, and strollers for the walking-averse pampered pooch.

“When you put all of that together, it’s no wonder that we’re beginning to see an increasing number of custody battles involving companion animals,” Tischler says.

Divorcing couples who fight over their pets may not be dealing with an underlying issue. An ex who takes his or her former spouse to court repeatedly over visiting Fluffy or paying veterinary bills probably is not as concerned about the dog as he or she is about controlling an ex-wife or ex-husband.

“Sometimes, in a divorce case, the pet may become a symbol of power and control and may be seen as the one entity that still loves me unconditionally,” says Nancy Peterson, an issues specialist with the Humane Society of the United States.

The legal battles involving pets can be a large emotional investment with an uncertain outcome that can run into the tens of thousands of dollars. Divorce also takes a toll on the pet. A once-energetic dog may become depressed, Peterson says. He may sleep more, eat less and lose interest in activities such as walking and playing with his owner. He may begin having accidents in the house or grooming himself excessively.