Achondroplasia Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 26, 2018

What is Achondroplasia (dwarfism)?

Achondroplasia is a type of short-limbed dwarfism. The word “achondroplasia” actually means “without cartilage formation.” Cartilage is a tough but flexible tissue that comprises most of the skeleton during early development. However, in achondroplasia the problem is that the cartilage has problems turning to bone (ossification) particularly in the long bones of the arms and legs. Achondroplasia is similar to another skeletal disorder called hypochondroplasia, but the features of achondroplasia tend to be more severe. Achondroplasia  is in a group of disorders called chondrodystrophies or osteochondrodysplasias. There are over 200 forms of dwarfism, but achondroplasia is the most common.

Even though achondroplasia literally means “without cartilage formation” the defect is not in forming cartilage but in converting it to bone. Achondroplasia is one of the oldest known birth defects, and the frequency is estimated to range from about 1 in 10,000 in Latin America to roughly 12 in 77,000 in Denmark. The average figure worldwide is estimated at 1 in 25,000 births. Achondroplasia may be inherited as an autosomal dominant trait, which is when the child receives a defective gene from one parent. If one parent has achondroplasia, the baby has a 50% chance of inheriting the disorder, but if both parents have the condition then the baby’s chances of being affected in some way increase to 75%.

The average height of an adult with achondroplasia is 131 cm (4 foot 4 inches) in males and 124 cm (4 foot 1 inch) in females.

Causes of Achondroplasia:

Mutations in the FGFR3 gene cause achondroplasia. The FGFR3 gene provides instructions for making a protein involved in the development and maintenance of bone and brain tissue. Two specific mutations in the FGFR3 gene are responsible for almost all cases of achondroplasia. Researchers believe that these mutations cause the FGFR3 protein to be overly active, which interferes with skeletal development and leads to the disturbances in bone growth seen with people who have achrondroplasia.

Unlike other forms of dwarfism, the majority of cases of achondroplasia are not inherited but caused by genetic mutation. More than 80% of people with achondroplasia have parents with normal stature and are born with achondroplasia as a result of a new gene alteration or mutation. There is only a small chance those same parents would have another child with achondroplasia. In most cases, the FGFR3 gene mutation occurs in the egg or sperm cell before conception.

Risk Factors of Achondroplasia:

Achondroplasia is inherited in an autosomal dominant manner. About 80% of people who have  achondroplasia have parents with average stature. These parents have a very low risk of having another child with achondroplasia. An individual with achondroplasia who has a partner with average stature is at about 50% risk in each pregnancy of having a child with achondroplasia. When both parents have achondroplasia, the risk to their offspring of having average stature is 25%; of having achondroplasia, 50%; and of having homozygous achondroplasia (a lethal condition), 25%.

Symptoms of Achondroplasia:

The general appearance of achondroplastic dwarfism is seen at birth. Symptoms include:

• Prominent forehead (frontal bossing)
• Bowed legs
• Clubbed feet
• Abnormal hand appearance including space between the long and ring fingers
• Spinal stenosis
• Spine curvatures (kyphosis and lordosis)
• Shortened arms and legs, especially the upper portion
• Disproportionately large head-to-body ratio
• Short stature, significantly below the average height for a person of same age and sex

Additional symptoms include:

• Breathing issues (apnea)
• Weak muscle tone (hypotonia)
• Obesity
• Recurrent ear infections
• Delays in walking or motor skills
• Chronic ear infections, potential hearing loss
• Fluid buildup in the brain (hydrocephalus)

Diagnosis of Achondroplasia:

The diagnosis of achondroplasia can be based on the typical physical features – the hallmarks of achondroplasia – that are seen at birth. These hallmark features are also seen by X-rays, ultrasound, and other imaging techniques. With ultrasound imaging, the diagnosis can sometimes be strongly suspected before birth.

The molecular diagnosis of achondroplasia before birth is possible if there is suspicion of the diagnosis or an increased risk (such as when a parent is affected by achondroplasia). In families in which both parents have achondroplasia, prenatal diagnosis may be particularly useful, the aim being to distinguish fatal homozygous achondroplasia (with two copies of the defective gene) from heterozygous achondroplasia (with one copy of the achondroplasia gene) from normal. Diagnosis before birth is accomplished by examining cells obtained by chorionic villus sampling (CVS) or amniocentesis.

Treatment of Achondroplasia:

Children and adults who have achondroplasia can lead normal lives provided they receive attentive, informed care by their physicians and parents. Considerations in monitoring children with achondroplasia include careful measurements of growth (length/height and weight) and head circumference using curves specially standardized for those with achondroplasia. Knowledgeable pediatric care and periodic orthopedic and neurological examinations are critical.

When unique problems occur for a person who has achrondoplasia, they do require prompt, expert care. These include:

In infants, the large opening under the skull (foramen magnum) may need to be surgically enlarged in cases of severe narrowing (stenosis) and compression of the spinal cord. When this opening is too narrow, the blood vessels and nerves are compressed, which can lead to central apnea (loss of breathing control). This is responsible for the risk of sudden death in infants (SIDS) with achondroplasia. The risk of sudden death for infants with achondroplasia is 2% to 5%.

As a child, once full growth is achieved, there are some orthopedic procedures that may be performed to lengthen the limb bones and/or surgical correction of bowed legs.

Some people who have achondroplasia can develop back problems, including lordosis (a marked swaying of the lower back), kyphosis (a mid-back bump) in infancy, and compressed spinal cords as teens. Spinal chord compression may need surgery to decompress the cord. In adults, spinal stenosis is the most common medical complications of achondroplasia.

Spinal surgery (also known as a lumbar laminectomy) may needed when spinal stenosis (narrowing of the spine) leads to symptoms, which tends to be evident in young adults.

Some people who have achondroplasia may experience a disproportion between the brain and back of the skull, which can lead to hydrocephalus – which needs to be promptly detected and treated (generally it is treated by a shunt placement in the brain to drain the excess fluid

Infants who have the typical large head increases bleeding within the baby’s head during a vaginal delivery, which should definitely be addressed regarding birth and aftercare. Some physicians may recommend a C-Section deliver as the brain stem (which controls breathing and respiration) may be compressed, which can contribute to difficulty breathing after birth. It is recommended that all babies prenatally diagnosed with achondroplasia should be delivered via C-Section.

Treatment with HGH (human growth hormone) is still considered an experimental treatment has shown to increase growth rate post-treatment. Studies are still pending to see if adult height can be increased using this treatment.

Kids with achondroplasia are prone to middle ear infections (called “otitis media”) which can lead to hearing loss and should be treated with antibiotics promptly.

Dental crowding can occur as a child’s teeth grow in and can be surgically corrected by a dentist specializing in this type of treatment.

Obesity is something to be addressed as soon as possible for people who have achondroplasia and often occurs in childhood. The excess weight can lead to many problems, much as it does to people without achondroplasia, only much, much worse. Parents should be aware of this when caring for their children and adults can control their weight.

Additional Achondroplasia Resources:

At clinicaltrials.gov, you can see what types of research are being done, qualifications, and membership into clinical trials for achondroplasia in the US.

The Human Growth Foundation is an excellent resource whose mission is to help children, and adults with disorders of growth and growth hormone through research, education, support, and advocacy.

Little People of America is a non-profit organization providing support and information to people of short stature, and their families in the US. They have a UK Chapter of Little People of America here.

UCLA International Skeletal Dysplasia Registry is open to any individual who has been diagnosed with a skeletal dysplasia may be enrolled in the Registry. Parents and siblings of an affected individual are strongly encouraged to participate. If there is a family history of the condition, affected and unaffected members of the extended family are also welcome to enroll.

Content edited 6/2018 RSH

Abortion Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 25, 2018

Abortion Recovery Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 22, 2018

How To Recover After An Abortion:

While it may not seem like it, abortions are common in the United States, with an average of 3 out of 10 women having had an by age 45. There are two types: the abortion pill (also known as a medical abortion) and a surgical abortion. Women can take the abortion pill up until they reach 10 weeks of pregnancy. Beyond 10 weeks, a surgical abortion remains an option. Whether you undergo a surgical abortion or take the abortion pill, it’s important to take care of yourself and acknowledge your feelings following the procedure.

Abortion Trauma is the emotional effects that can be experienced by both men and women after an abortion due to unresolved physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of the abortion. There is a huge lack of understanding and compassion for women who have experienced this sort of >trauma. Because abortion is legal in many countries, and so many women profess to be grateful for the procedure’s availability, the potential for trauma and distress afterward is not recognized as valid.

Society blames the woman for causing her own pain in choosing to abort, which invalidates her emotions, and increases the emotional trauma. People may react unkindly to the news that a friend, partner, parent, or child has had an abortion, which further increases the post-abortion isolation. She may be told that she is weak, wrong, or misguided to come to terms with her feelings with the abortion.

What Makes An Abortion Traumatic?

1. If the abortion is forced or chosen under duress due to external factors (boyfriend, parent, friend), the woman may emotional trauma. Occasionally, an abortion is truly forced on a woman (by a doctor, friend, parent, or the father of the baby): this is always illegal. No matter the circumstance or age of the woman, it is always a woman’s choice to abort.
2. If a woman has a history of depression, anxiety, or sexual abuse, the likelihood of trauma associated with the abortion process increases exponentially.
3. If the woman has little-to-no support from friends, family, and loved ones, this may amplify her feelings of trauma, isolation, and guilt. This is especially true when the woman has already faced scorn or lack of support from loved ones.
4. Most women seeking abortions choose a medical abortion (performed in a doctor’s office) or at home using the RU-486 as this pill is sold over the counter in the US. Women who opt to use RU-486 often have increased emotional trauma associated with the abortion process as these women may see the products of conception and deal with this very painful procedure in pain, and alone.

What is Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)?

While not all women experience emotional trauma after an abortion, there are many who are left with feelings of guilt, grief, shame, and regret. Living through the process of making the decision to have an abortion, experiencing the abortion procedure, and dealing with the pain and possible regret following the abortion can be very traumatic. Just like other trauma, women tend to belittle what happened and ignore the emotional pain that can result. Many women don’t recognize that their distress is related to their abortion. But memories do eventually resurface, and the significance of their loss can’t be denied any longer.

If a woman has experiencing severe emotional reactions after an abortion, this is sometimes called Post Abortion Syndrome or Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS), an informal type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A soul wound like this affects different people differently, the abortion may come to mind over and over, it may be out of mind – which can dull the pain. A woman who experiences a soul wound may suffer from “triggers” which are sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and memories that may arise when a woman is reminded of her abortion. Some women do report nightmares of the abortion. If a woman attempt to suppress their grief, it is called emotional toxicity, and her feelings grief will emerge in daily life as anger, anxiety, depression, or difficult relationship.

Many people don’t even recognize that their depression stems from a traumatic abortion. These feelings may take over 15 years to manifest. Some of the symptoms of Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) may occur immediately following the abortion, and others may occur later or not at all.

Guilt – if a post-abortion woman believes she consented to the death of her baby, before or after the abortion, her feelings of guilt can be relentless.

Self-blame refers to an post-abortive women who believes that any unpleasant event that occurs as a direct result of punishment for killing her child. Many women who have had abortions only to lose a planned baby due to miscarriage may feel that this is “punishment” or believe that she may have been rendered infertile due to the abortion.

Anxiety refers to the battle between compromising a woman’s moral standards and her decision to have an abortion may actually stimulate much anxiety. She may not link the anxiety to her abortion, yet may unconsciously avoid anything having to do with babies, avoiding people with children, turning anxious at the thought of having to walk near a baby aisle in the store. She may be uncomfortably anxious when she thinks about pregnancy or when a loved becomes pregnant.

Psychological Numbing – A great deal of post-abortive women vow they will never be in such a vulnerable position again. Often, without conscious thought, they will work to keep their emotions in check to prevent themselves from experiencing pain. This interferes with their ability to create and maintain close relationships.

Depression and Suicidal Thoughts – the following forms of depression are common in women who have had an abortion:

• Sadness
• Sudden, uncontrollable crying without a reason.
• Deterioration of self-concept.
• Lack of motivation.
• Disruption of interpersonal relationships are quite common in the woman’s relationship with her partner, especially if the partner was involved with making the abortion decision.
• Suicidal thoughts/preoccupation with death: In a study by the Elliot Institute, 1/3 of the women who had had abortions became so depressed that claimed “they would rather die than go on.”

Reliving The Abortion – Very common, sudden distressing and recurring “flashbacks” of the events surrounding the abortion during situations that resemble the abortion, like a gynecological exam or hearing a vacuum cleaner. These flashbacks may become recurring nightmares about babies.

Preoccupation With Becoming Pregnant Again – Many women who have had abortions become pregnant again within a year, while others want to conceive again as soon as possible. This new baby is sometimes referred to as an “atonement baby.”

Anxiety Over Conception and Bearing Children – many post-abortion women fear they will never become pregnant again or carry a baby to term. Some women expect to have children with disabilities because they believe they have “disqualified” themselves as good mothers. Many women refer to this fear as a “Punishment from God.”

Interruption of Bonding With Present and/or Future Children – a woman who has experienced an abortion may not allow herself to form a bond with her subsequent children for fear of another loss. Another post-abortion reaction is to “atone” for the abortion by becoming the perfect mother. Women who have children at the time of their abortion may view their children differently. Sometimes, these women devalue their living children: “You were the lucky one. You were allowed to live.” Conversely, women may become overprotective of their children.

Survivors Guilt – Generally, women do not abort for trivial reasons. While the abortion frees the woman from her current trauma, it may cause unrelenting guilt for choosing her comfort over her baby’s life.

Eating Disorders – some women develop eating disorders as a way of coping with the loss.

Alcohol and Drug Abuse – often begins as a form of self-medication, a coping mechanism, sadly leading to other problems such as addiction.

Other Self-Punishing and Self-Degrading Behaviors – a post-abortion woman may enter abusive relationships, become promiscuous, or refuse medical care. She may also deliberately hurt herself emotionally and/or physically.

Brief Reactive Psychosis – rarely, a post-abortive woman may experience a brief psychotic episode after the abortion. 

How Do I Help My Loved One Get Through An Abortion?

Many women report that there are things that can help them overcome their abortion; things that make it easier to cope with such a loss. These may include:

• Respect her privacy and don’t share the news with others
• Be with her in her space – but be mindful not to hover or ignore her
• Try to comfort her physically if you don’t have the words
• Be physically there with her
• Choose words and tones that let her know that you’re not going to be someone who judges her
• Let her know that she doesn’t have to temper her emotions, thoughts, feelings, and reactions in front of you
• Avoid judging her abortion as either “good” or “bad” as her emotions may be all over the place
• Accept her feelings no matter how strongly you feel yourself about the topic. Allow her to bring up what she wants to say in the words she chooses.

Things You Can Do For Your Loved One:

• Encourage her to get proper sleep, rest, and to eat healthy foods – it can be extremely hard for a woman post-abortion to muster any care about and for herself – especially if she has conflicting fillings about the abortion
• Offer to run errands for her
• Invite her to events – even if they’re child-themed (such as a birthday party or a baby shower). It is her choice as to whether or not she wants to attend
• Offer to watch her other children (if she has others)
• If she asks, help her commemorate the child she lost
• Get her help if her depression worsens or she begins to have suicidal thoughts

Abortion Recovery Hotlines:

1-800-712-4357

Additional Abortion Resources:

OptionLine – provides a nice, non-biased website that provides information for women who have become pregnant and/or want an abortion. The site includes an online chat platform for those looking to talk and a hotline listed above.

If you’re in the UK or Canada and are in need of help and advice about unplanned pregnancy or post-abortion issues in the UK you’ll find free & confidential help at the pregnancy choices centres.*

Our Bodies, Ourselves (website) – a website devoted to women’s health, this page is devoted to the physical aspects of abortion procedure, including physical (only) after-care instructions.

Planned Parenthood – offers up-to-date medical information regarding abortion, the types of abortion, and what to expect during and after an abortion.

Also note that many crisis pregnancy centers may only offer biased information or information and are often not run by doctors, but by a church. Here is how to tell if an abortion/recovery center is not-legitimate.

*I do apologize if I’ve not thoroughly checked each center above to see if it’s open or judgmental – I’m sorry (xo – AB)

This page last audited 6/2018 BSH

Abandonment Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 22, 2018

What Is Abandonment?

Many people struggling with intense feelings of unmet needs are experiencing emotional abandonment, which is something that stems from a dysfunctional childhood. While most people consider “abandonment” to be the physical act of leaving someone or something behind, emotional abandonment is a more nebulous feeling of things being not-quite-right.

It should be noted that emotional abandonment has very little to do with proximity to another person – someone sitting next to you can very easily abandon you emotionally when you’re not connecting and getting your needs met.

Those who struggle with abandonment are afraid of being alone and may believe they are destined to be alone. Their unfulfilled relationships are often filled with insecurity and fear. Further, fear of abandonment often leads to actual abandonment through a self-fulfilling prophesy. Insecurity and self-doubt are often just symptoms of deeper-seated issues.

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.

For some children abandonment is primarily physical.

Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

• lack of appropriate supervision
• inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
• inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
• physical and/or sexual abuse

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

What Are The Types of Abandonment?

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. Emotional abandonment is defined as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.”

It is easier to talk about family relationships now than it used to be. However, when you’ve had to cope with an absent parent who abandoned the family home for whatever reason, you also have to contend with a definition of something which is indescribable.

Often, when someone is asked about their parent they can only hesitate, lower their gaze and respond vaguely with excuses. This clearly demonstrates the difficulty in defining the emotional vacuum and dealing with the scars left in us by abandonment.

In this regard we should highlight that there are many types of abandonment. In fact, we could speak of as many types as there are cases in the world. These are some of the most common ones:

1)) The emotionally absent but physically present parent. If we pay attention to the socio-emotional reality of our environment, we will understand that this type of upbringing has been very common over the years.

2) The parent that abandoned us before, during and after childhood. The pain of being physically and emotionally abandoned by choice by our reference figures sows significant seeds in our process of growing up. It is difficult to handle the reality you have to live with in this case. Because… how do you assimilate the fact that someone who should accompany you for many years of your life chooses to distance him/herself from you in some way?

3) The parent who abandoned us physically or emotionally during our youth or adulthood. This type of abandonment will most probably be branded as betrayal. It therefore needs to be processed verbally with a lot of awareness.

4) The almost total absence of a parental figure. In this case there are several possibilities:

• The parent who died early and didn’t have the opportunity to play their role in our life.
• The parent who died but who we knew first. In this scenario, longing and idealization will create a characteristic hole.

What Is The Difference Between Physical And Emotional Abandonment?

Children are completely dependent upon their caretakers to provide a save environment, and if their caretakers fail to provide such an environment, they grow up believing the following:

• The world is an unsafe place
• Nobody should be trusted
• They do not deserve love or care.

Some children grow in a primarily physically abandoned state; which happens when the physical needs for growth and survival are replaced by the following:

• Lack of appropriate supervision
• Physical and/sexual child abuse
• Improper food, clothing, house, heat or shelter.
• Improper providing of food, nutrition and meals.

Emotional Abandonment, on the other hand, occurs when caretakers don’t provide the emotional support and environment needed for a child to grow and thrive. This is often described as being raised in an environment in which a child has to hide part of him or herself to be accepted; to not be rejected. This means that the child learns:

• Making mistakes is NOT okay.
• It’s NOT okay to show their feelings.
• Being told that their feelings aren’t true.
• Not everyone is allowed needs.
• Everyone else’s needs are more important.
• Accomplishments and successes are discounted.

Other types of abandonment happen when children:

• Can’t live up to parental expectations; which are both unrealistic and age inappropriate.
• Are held responsible for the behavior of others; especially the actions and feelings of their parents.
• Are disapproved for their entire being, rather than a specific type of behavior.

What Causes Fear Of Abandonment?

According to psychotherapist Sue Anderson, “The origin of abandonment issues often begins very early in life.”

When children are raised with chronic loss, or without the emotional or physical protection that a parent or guardian should be providing, it’s natural that these children turn their fears inward. Infants or children become afraid that they will be left uncared for, which leads to a cumulative fear of abandonment. By not getting the physical or emotional protection of a parent, the child becomes abandoned. Living with repeated abandonment creates a toxic shame in children, as they learn this brutal message: “You don’t matter. You have no value.”

Sometimes, abandonment occurs when parents cannot recognize the boundaries between themselves and their child. This can occur when:

• Parents cannot see their children as separate beings from themselves.
• Parental self-esteem is derived from the child’s behavior.
• Parents are unwilling to take any responsibility for their feelings, behaviors, thoughts. Instead, they expect their children to take responsibility.

Emotional and physical abandonment with distorted boundaries are not actually indications that the child is bad; instead the entire perception is based upon false beliefs and values of the caregiver who repeatedly hurt them.

Still, this pain can persist a lifetime, the wounds unhealed, the feelings of shame overwhelming. The pain of abandonment is exceptionally challenging to heal.

What Are Emotional Needs?

For a child who grows up in a constant state of fear of abandonment, it can be very challenging, as an adult, to understand their own emotional needs, after being told for so many years that their needs “don’t matter,” because the child is “worthless.” Emotional needs can include:

• The need to be nurtured
• The need to be listened to
• The need to be understood
• The need to feel valued
• The need of acceptance
• The need for love
• The need for companionship.

While this list may look a little silly to some, these are extremely foreign concepts to children who grew in a home where abandonment and child neglect was present.

What Are The Scars Of Emotional Abandonment?

Because children who are abandoned have the erroneous belief that they do not matter and that their needs do not matter, they can easily grow into adults who feel the same: feeling worthless, lonely, and sad.

The fear of abandonment becomes a consistent theme in the interpersonal relationships of those who were abandoned as children, which can lead to troubled interpersonal relationships. Fears of abandonment may be triggered by rejection, a lack of validation, and feelings of inadequacy. These feelings are further compounded by feelings of loneliness, rejection, and in some cases, betrayal.

The self-fulfilling prophecy exists when individuals are filled with fear and insecurity, and attract those who may abandon them, thus leading to a validation of their fear.

Further, a healthy romantic relationship may become dysfunctional or fall apart altogether because the individual is not fully available to them for fear that the partner will leave. These relationships revolve around fear.

What Are Common Beliefs of Those With Abandonment Issues?

People who have scars from abandonment during childhood often self-report as suffering from many false beliefs (beliefs they think are real). In order to correct this negative self-talk, we must first be aware of the beliefs of those of us who suffer abandonment issues:

• I have no support
• People and relationships are exhausting
• I am invisible
• I am unlovable
• I can’t trust others
• My needs are not met
• I am insecure
• I need approval from others
• I cannot do anything right
• I am rejected and betrayed by others

What Are Some Common Feelings Associated With Abandonment?

Many people struggle with abandonment issues in their lives, and until they realize that these feelings are both natural, but based in untrue realities, healing from abandonment may be a challenge. These are some of the more common feelings associated with abandonment:

Anxiety – especially surrounding fears of living life alone and the expectation that one will ALWAYS be alone.

“I feel anxious when I like someone because I know they’ll look behind the mask and see that I’m worthless.”

Depression – depression is common among people who have abandonment issues as they’ve grown up feeling as though they do not matter to anyone.

“I don’t matter to anyone. I wish I mattered to someone.”

Loneliness – because children who experience abandonment are taught that they do not matter; they never learn to express their feelings or open up to others, which can lead to intense feelings of

“No one will understand how I feel, so I’m not going to open up about it – they’ll think I’m crazy.”

Fear – people who suffered from abandonment during childhood spend much of their time feeling afraid that they will, once again, be abandoned by friends, partners, and other people in their lives.

“I’m so afraid to date because I don’t want to be left.”

Defeat – because overcoming abandonment is a process, not an event, people who experience abandonment issues often feel defeated by their negative self-talk.

“Why bother if no one is going to care about me anyway?”

What Are The Causes of Emotional Abandonment In Romantic Relationships?

Almost everyone who has had an interpersonal relationship has been abandoned at some point by his or her partner. For adult children who have been raised with the erroneous belief that they deserve to be abandoned, fears of abandonment may be huge.

While these situations (and many more) can lead a person who has deep-rooted fears of abandonment, with proper communication and individual and couple’s therapy, these fears can be addressed and the relationship can be mended, with both partners on the same page. The individual who suffers from abandonment must deal with his or her issues with the help of a therapist.

“Leaving a marriage” doesn’t always occur when one partner moves out of the shared living quarters and files paperwork. Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both parties stops investing in the marriage, leaving their partner feeling unwanted and detached. How does this happen? How do two formerly happy people fall into such a pattern? And furthermore, what causes emotional abandonment between spouses?

Here are some of the most common causes for emotional abandonment in a marriage or partnership:

1) Being unable to forgive. If our partner has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we find ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again. The most simple way to prevent being hurt by your partner is to close off our hearts to them. Not practicing forgiveness leads to isolation, and overcoming unforgiveness requires that we are humble and seek forgiveness from our partner, as well as a willingness to forgive our partner when he or she has hurt us.

2) Being Unkind – when one partner is unkind to the other, it starts a seed of hurt that can build to become a deep resentment of the other. This can be fixed by each partner reminding themselves to treat our partners as we would like to be treated.

3) Not Bothering – putting very little into a marriage can happen very slowly and over time, especially when we feel our partnership is just fine. This, unfortunately can cause us to take our partner for granted and not treat them as though they are important, leading to our partners isolating themselves.

4) Fears Of Discussing Problems – if one of the partners in a marriage is unable to bring up their problems in the partnership because they’re afraid, this can lead to a disconnection between partners.

5) Denial, denial, denial – when our relationship begins to falter, so many of us choose to deny the existence of the problem, rather than confront it head-on. Unfortunately, this only leads to further deterioration and emotional abandonment.

6) Busy Bees – many of us pack our days so full that we do not make time for our partner. Schedule some “us” time with your partner every day, even if it’s just having dinner or watching television together.

How To Work Through Emotional Abandonment In Romantic Relationships:

The first thing you must do when attempting to bridge the gap between you and your partner is to figure out the cause for the emotional detachment. Here are some of the ways to reconnect with your partner after emotional abandonment:

1) Agree to have an honest conversation with your partner about your problems. Sometimes, when they’re brought out into the light of day, the problems in our relationships don’t seem nearly as scary.

2) Before your talk, take some time to yourself and think about the unresolved issues you’ll be discussing with your partner. Figure out your concerns, what areas you want to improve, and what areas you’d like your spouse to improve in.

3) Don’t beat around the bush – but be kind. This discussion is intended to bring the issues in your partnership out without blaming one another for the emotional abandonment. Use “I feel” statements and do not inject guilt into the conversation. Remember, you two are going to have to work together to fix your problems.

4) Start meeting those unmet needs – find out what needs you can be meeting for your spouse and be sure to start meeting those needs. In turn, tell your partner what needs you feel are unmet.

5) Figure yourself out – find out what’s at the root of the problem, what your role in the problem is, and how you can best work together to fix things. In the meantime, try some therapy or writing to get your feelings out and work on your own issues.

6) Make it a point to be there for your spouse so that you can work toward emotional reconnection.

7) Be kind to each other. Be warm, loving, do things that makes your partner happy because you can, not because you have to.

Five Stages To Working Through Abandonment Issues:

It’s vital to know that those of us who have been abandoned as children do not need to live our lives in such fear. We need to learn to love ourselves and that child who was loved by no one. We must heal from our wounds, but never forget the scars – they’re a part of who we are, but they do not have to define us. The following are the five stages of working through abandonment issues:

1. Shattering: An intense fear of devastation after a severed relationship.
2. Withdrawal: The individual pulls away, but feels yearning, obsession, and longing.
3. Internalizing: The ex-partner may be “placed on a pedestal” and the failure becomes a source of self-blame.
4. Rage: Anger and thoughts of retaliation at those who did not protect you, or left you.
5. Lifting: Life begins to distract you, love becomes a possibility.

Overall, love becomes defined by fear and anxiety, rather than safety and security. These conflicting emotions create negative patterns that are expressed in relationships.

Abandonment is also a form of grief, in that the individual is mourning the loss of a relationship. However, feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear lead to a recurring negative pattern. Further, the feelings of disappointment and anger are often turned inward and become a “truth” about ourselves.

How Are Issues of Abandonment Treated?

Abandonment issues are treatable through a variety of methods. Most people who have problems with abandonment attend therapy. Fears surrounding abandonment are common; although the degree of intensity depends upon a number of factors, including childhood experience, peer acceptance, familial support, lack of a support system.

Generally, fear of abandonment stems from a loss sustained during childhood, whether it was a loss due to parentification, death of a parent, divorce, or childhood abuse.

Talking about these fears with a trusted therapist is a great way to begin to heal the wounds from abandonment. The therapist must show a connection to his or her client so as to prove that he or she will not abandon her client. A therapist will have his or her client focus upon treating themselves in a positive, compassionate way to the scars of abandonment.

A therapist will help overcome fears of abandonment by changing the emotional reaction associated with abandonment. This can help the person separate the past from present day and work toward correcting their negative and false beliefs. It also helps the person by teaching him or her to develop more positive and realistic reactions to events in his or her life.

True healing from abandonment occurs when a person who has fears of abandonment leans that the fear is in the past and cannot control the present-day relationships providing he or she maintains healthy perspectives about life.

Because of a lack of validation and security as a child, the abandonment issues grow. However, by addressing these feelings, it is possible to break the cycle.

Additional Abandonment Resources:

Abandonment and Recovery– Resource and information page about abandonment, the impact of it, and ways to resolve the issues within yourself.

Page last audited 6/2018

Domestic Abuse Resources

by Band Back Together | Jun 20, 2018

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

What Is Domestic Abuse?

Abuse is defined as any sexual, emotional, physical, economic or psychological actions, or threats of actions that influence a victim, including behaviors that terrify, frighten, manipulate, terrorize, hurt, humiliate, blame, or cause physical injury. It is still abuse even if it only happens once. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior in any marriage or intimate partnership used to gain or maintain power, domination, and control over the other partner. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any age, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, marital status. It can happen to couples who are dating, living together, or married. Domestic violence affects all education levels and socioeconomic backgrounds.

There are no “better” or “worse” stories of domestic violence or abuse, If it has happened to you, you have been abused. Many people associate domestic abuse with domestic violence as it is the most recognizable form of abuse, however emotional, financial, verbal, social, or neglect are also types of incredibly damaging behaviors. While domestic violence is often blamed, by the abuser, on losing control of their emotions, as a direct result of the victim’s actions, or outside forces, this is false: abuse is always a deliberate choice made by the abuser to control, silence, guilt, shame, intimidate, scare, humiliate, to hurt their victim.

It’s important to note that domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate: abuse occurs in hetero, homo, and other sexual relationships. The bottom line remains: abuse is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a woman, a man, a teenager, or an older adult. Every partner in the relationship should feel respected, safe, and valued. Unfortunately, domestic abuse often escalates from threats and other types of verbal abuse and leads to violence. While physical injury may be the most feared type of domestic abuse, the physiological and emotional consequences of exposure to domestic abuse are very serious. They can cause victim’s self-esteem and self-worth erode, them feel helpless and alone, and isolate them from their support system.

While it is often less-reported, men can also become domestic violence victims. It’s been estimated that one in every three domestic violence victims are indeed, male. Regardless of your gender, no one deserves to be abused by someone they love.

Why Does An Abuser Abuse?

It’s easy to dismiss episodes of domestic abuse as a “temporary loss of control” or as a “bad temper,” however you must remember that domestic abuse and violence are a deliberate choice by the abuser to control their victim. The domestic abuser engages in abusive behavior in order to gain control over their victim, which is done through a number of methods, including:

• Humiliation: is done by an abuser to make their victim feel badly – or defective – about themselves by name-calling, shaming, public insults and many other abuses all designed to make their victim feel powerless. If the victim’s self-esteem is eroded and they begin to feel worthless, they will begin to obey their abuser.
• Isolation: As a means to increase the victim’s dependence on their abuser, a domestic abuser will try to cut you off from the rest of the world. This may include prevention of the victim from seeing their families, prevent the victim to go to school or work, and prevent the victim from the outside world. Isolated domestic abuse victims must ask specifically to do anything, see anyone, or go anywhere.
• Dominance: Abusive individuals need to feel that they control the relationship. In order to achieve that, the abuser will make executive decisions for the victim, their family and expect their partner to do exactly as they say and obey the abuser at all costs. Sometimes abusers treat their victims like a servant, child, or even as their possession.
• Denial and Blame may be the hardest for abuse victims to distinguish as abuse. Abusers are incredibly good at making excuses for things that simply aren’t excusable. Domestic abusers may blame their behavior on a bad day or upon something the victim (or victims) did to deserve their abusers wrath. An abusive partner often will deny or minimize that the abuse happened and shift the responsibility for their abuse onto the victims.
• Threatening: in order to prevent their victims from leaving their abuser or frighten them to drop any domestic violence charges, the abuser may turn to threats, including killing the victim, the victims children, pets, or other family members. Abusers may even threaten suicide, report their victim to child services, or file false police reports against their victim.
• Intimidation is a means by which an abuser uses intimidation tactics to scare their victim into submission. Intimidation may include threatening looks, breaking possessions, smashing things, threatening gestures, destroying property, putting weapons on display, or hurting children or pets. The message from the abuse is clear: if the victim doesn’t obey, their will be violent consequences.

Can The Abuser Control Their Abuse?

Many people believe that abuse occurs simply because the abuser “can’t control it.” This could not be further from the truth; here’s why:

• An abuser picks and chooses those they abuse and don’t assault, threaten, or hurt every single person who gives them grief in their lives. Generally, abusers abuse their closest family members as their victim
• Violent abusers are able to control their temper and land any abuse in places where others cannot see them; the torso, upper legs, and other areas generally covered by clothing
• As an abuser chooses when and/or where they will abuse their victim(s) meaning that they can coordinate their behavior and assault their victim(s) when they are alone so that no one else is able to see the abuse. Often, in public, abusers are perfectly behaved to their victim(s)
• Abusers are not out of control; they can stop the abuse when it benefits them.

Types of Domestic Abuse:

Physical Domestic Abuse: physical abuse is the use of force in a manner that injures or endangers the victim as a means to exert control of the victim. Physical abuse may involve kicking, slapping, punching, or choking or some combination of physical tactics, all aimed at control and power. It can be hard to draw the line at what physical domestic abuse is. It is still domestic abuse  even if:

• The episodes may seem minor when they’re compared to other people’s stories, things you’ve seen on TV, or heard other people discuss. There is no better or worse circumstance form of domestic physical abuse: all incidents can severely injure the victim.
• If you stop engaging and behave passively during a bout of physical abuse by giving up your right to express your feelings or self, to give up your rights as a person, make decisions, and stop whatever behavior is upsetting your partner, you are not assaulted.
• The episodes of abuse have only occurred a couple times in the relationship. If your loved one has hurt you physically once or twice, studies say that it’s very likely they will continue to do abuse their partner physically.

Emotional /Psychological/ Verbal Domestic Abuse may not leave physical scars on its victims, which can make domestic abuse victims that they are not, in fact, being abused. However, it has become evident that even if your abuse is emotional/verbal abuse, it is just as damaging to your self-esteem, self-worth, and feelings of independence. Emotional domestic abuse is often hard to identity for the victim, as it often occurs slowly and steadily, increasing in voracity as the years progress. Emotional abuse can include verbal abuse, isolation, controlling behavior, shaming, blaming, and name-calling on the part of the abuser.

• Sometimes, abusers who use emotional/psychological to threaten their victims by threatening actual physical violence, in order to get their partners to do as their abuser pleases
• The scars of emotional abuse are incredibly real and they run very deep within their victims. Many victims assume that if they’re not being beaten, it’s not abuse, however, emotional abuse can leave scars that run deeper than those from physical abuse.
• Emotional abuse does include verbal abuse: yelling, blaming, shaming, isolation, name-calling, intimidation, and controlling behaviors on the part of the abuse

Sexual Domestic Abuse is a form of physical abuse in which a victim is forced to participate in unwanted sexual activity, involving the genitals, anus, and/or mouth. The old way of thinking was that partners could ALWAYS demand sexual intimacy from their partners, however it is important to note that intimate partners do not have to right to force non-consensual sex upon their partner. Sexual abuse is an act of violence and aggression, not an act of love or passion.

Economic Domestic Abuse: Many abusers are hyper-controlling when it comes to finances and they often use money and finances as a means of control their victim. Examples of economic domestic abuse include:

• Insisting their partner account for every penny spent
• Setting an allowance for their partner
• Withholding money from their partner
• Insisting their partner open credit cards and run up the bills
• Insisting their partner commit fraud
• Prevention of the victim from gainful employment or sabotaging the victim’s job, preventing them from “moving up in the company”
• Withholding basic necessities

Cycle of Violence in Domestic Abuse:

Generally, there is a cycle of violence and abuse in domestically abusive relationship and it tends to follow this order:

1. Abuse: The abuser lashes out in a power play designed to show the victim who is in control in their relationship. Afterward, the abuser feels:
2. Guilt: The abuser feels guilt, not for what he’s done, but over the idea that they may get caught by authorities, friends of family. After that, the abuser begins to make:
3. Excuses: The abuser fully rationalizes what they have done to the victim, and may rationalize their behavior by making up excuses “I just had such a bad day, I’m sorry” or victim-blaming, “Look what you made me do.” Abusers will say and do anything to avoid taking responsibility for the abuse. This leads to:
4. “Normal” Behavior:  In this part of the cycle, the abuser attempts to regain control of their victim in order to keep the victim from leaving their abuser. Sometimes, the abuser turns on the charm, loads his victim up with expensive gifts, and makes the victim feel loved and cherished. Or, the abuser may behave aif nothing has happened. No matter the form, this “Normal” behavior is an attempt of the abuser to make their victim feel as though the abuser has truly changed. They have not changed, as the next in this cycle of violence is:
5. Fantasy and Planning: In this cycle, the abuser begins to have fantasies about his next violent abuse of the victim; how to punish the victim, and how to make the victim(s) pay. This begins the next cycle of domestic abuse:
6. The Set-Up occurs when the abuser has decided to “set the victim up” for the next cycle of abuse. The abuser puts his diabolical plan in motion in order to abuse, then justify WHY the abuser opted for violence. Then, we return to #1 in the domestic violence cycle.

Am I Being Abused?

Sometimes it’s really hard to figure out what’s normal in a relationship, especially if it’s a relationship you’ve been in for a long time. But some may start to wonder, am I being abused? If you answer “yes” to any of the following (even if it is just one), you may be a victim of domestic abuse. Does your partner:

• Embarrass you or put you down?
• Behave in a way that scares you?
• Take your money or refuse to give you money when you ask?
• Make all of the decisions for you?
• Tell you you’re a crappy parent and threaten to take away your kids?
• Prevent you from going to work or school?
• Act like hurting you is no big deal?
• Stop you from seeing you friends or family?
• Intimidate you with guns or knives?
• Shove you, hit you or slap you around?
• Threaten suicide in order to keep you around?Threaten to kill you or someone you love?
• Use your pets and/or children to control, punish, manipulate or exact revenge on you?

If you answered yes to any of these, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Recognizing abuse for what it is is the first step to getting help.

For support, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224.

Potential Warning Signs of Domestic Violence:

It’s very hard to spot all the red flags of domestic abuse, but here are some common concerns:

The victim may:

• Talk about their partner’s temper or possessiveness
• Check-in excessively with their partner when alone
• Spend excessive worn and concern with pleasing their partner
• Do everything their partner says to do
• Receive frequent harassing phone calls from partner

Possible signs of domestic abuse:

• Seem scared or anxious to please their partner
• Be overly agreeable to everything their partner says and does
• Check in often with their partner to report on their activities
• Frequently receive harassing phone calls from their partner
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy or possessiveness

Possible signs of financial abuse:

• Have limited access to money or credit cards
• Have their spending tightly monitored
• Worry excessively how their partner will respond to what are typically considered simple, everyday purchases

Possible signs of physical abuse:

• Frequently miss work, school and social obligations without notice or explanation
• Make seemingly odd clothing choices in an effort to conceal bruises or scars, for example: wearing long sleeves or turtlenecks in the summer and sunglasses indoors

Possible signs of isolation:

• Have low self-esteem, even if they were once very confident
• Show significant changes in personality, such as an extroverted person becoming withdrawn
• Show signs of depression, anxiety or being suicidal

If you see any signs of domestic violence in a friend, loved one, co-worker, take them aside and talk to them about domestic violence.

If You Suspect Someone Is Being Abused:

• If you suspect someone is being abused and you’re hesitating, please, open your mouth and ask. The victim may not want to talk about it and may tell you that you’re wrong, and maybe you are wrong, but sometimes, expressing concern may save a life. How do you talk to someone you suspect is being abused? Simple:
• “I’ve noticed, this, this, and this (your reasons for suspecting domestic violence) and I’m concerned about you. Can I help?”
• Maybe they won’t want to talk to you then, but knowing someone cares about them, sometimes that’s a port in a storm.
• If you ask, be ready to support the person in a positive way.’
• Talk to this person privately
• Let go of all your preconceived notions of domestic violence and people who are abused.
• Remember, as frustrating as it is, there is no quick fix solution to domestic abuse.
• To empower this person, learn a little about domestic violence. Find out the services in your area that may be available.

When you are listening, remember:

• Support and respect this person and the decisions he or she makes. Even if you do not agree with them.
• Believe this person and tell them so.
• Validate his or her feelings. “Your feelings are very normal.”
• Do not judge this person when responding to what he or she says.
• Offer specific forms of help. “I can help you find a counselor” versus, “Let me know what you need.”
• Point out ways that he or she has been strong and courageous.
• Tell the victim that the abuse is not her fault and avoid bashing the abuser.
• Call 911 for all emergencies

How Do I Prepare For Leaving My Abuser?

Unique challenges:

Help If You’re Not a Citizen:

According to the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), immigrant women who are experiencing domestic violence — and are married to abusers who are US Citizens or Legal Permanent Residents — may qualify to self-petition for legal status under VAWA. Get more information here. Domestic violence is against the law regardless of your immigration status. Learn more at Casa De Esperanza about your rights as an immigrant. Call the hotline for resources in your area that can help: En Español: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

If you’re an immigrant, you may be hesitant to seek help out of fear that you will be deported. Language barriers, lack of economic dependence and limited social support can increase your isolation and your ability to access resources.Laws in the United States guarantee protection from domestic abuse, regardless of your immigrant status. Free or low-cost resources are available, including lawyers, shelter and medical care for you and your children. You may also be eligible for legal protections that allow immigrants who experience domestic violence to stay in the United States.

Call a national domestic violence hotline for guidance. These services are free and protect your privacy.

If you’re an older woman, you may face challenges related to your age and the length of your relationship. You may have grown up in a time when domestic violence was simply not discussed. You or your partner may have health problems that increase your dependency or sense of responsibility.

If you’re in a same-sex relationship, you might be less likely to seek help after an assault if you don’t want to disclose your sexual orientation. If you’ve been sexually assaulted by another woman, you might also fear that you won’t be believed.

Prepare for Emergencies:

• Be on the lookout for the red-flags that abuser is getting upset and may be ready to strike out in anger and try to come up with a couple reasons to get out of the house if you feel in imminent danger.
• Establish a code word, phrase or symbol for “call the police.” Teach it to everyone you are in contact with.
• Plan and identify a safe place your children can go to be safe, a locked room, a neighbor’s house. Be sure to remind them that it is not their job
• Establish the safe areas of the house that you can retreat to if the abuser attacks. Avoid enclosed spaces with no exits. If you can, get to a room with a phone or a window.
• Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures), a diary of the abuse, and any medical documentation of the abuse
• Please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for local resources for domestic violence victims with resources for legal help.
• Find out about local resources in your area: Women’sLaw.Org also provides state-by-state legal information
• Try to gain employable skills /take community college courses so that you are able to support yourself when you are free
• Squirrel some money away as you can and keep it in a safe place

Have an Escape Plan:

• Be ready to go at any time. Have the car gassed up, driver’s door unlocked, keys handy. Have emergency cash, documents, and clothing stashed somewhere safe.
• Have a packed bag ready and keep it in a secret place that is easy to reach. Leave money, an extra set of keys, extra clothes and, if you can, copies of important documents with someone you trust.
• Practice your escape – especially with children
• If your abuser will likely become violent to whomever you stay with, you are better off in a domestic violence shelter
• Memorize a list of emergency contacts including local shelters, police, and domestic violence hotlines.
• Find domestic violence shelters in your area and see which will accept your family.
• Here is a state-by-state list of Domestic Violence Resources
• Decide and plan where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you do not think you will need to). This should be a safe place from which you can call for further assistance.
• Figure out who’d let you stay with them and/or or lend you some money.
• Have a packed bag ready and keep it in a secret – yet easy to reach – place.
• Leave money, an extra set of keys, extra clothes and, if you can, and copies of important documents with someone you trust.
• Open a savings account in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence.
• Keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.
• Be mindful that a GPS locator can be easily hidden in a very small item, so be wary of any new “gifts” from your abuser
• Take the car to a trusted mechanic to locate the GPS and you can opt to remove it. Keep in mind, your abuser may track you to the repair shop and discover your escape plan. You can also buy counter-surveillance equipment to jam the GPS, but it may also jam the frequency of your cellphone.

Important Documents to Gather Prior to Leaving Your Abuser:

• All bank account numbers, credit cards, credit union, and 401(k) information
• Copies of outstanding loans, amount of monthly payments, current budget
• Joint and individual credit cards with balances. Get your name removed from joint cards if possible
• Pay stubs for at least 2 months
• Extra key for the safe deposit box
• Copies of your car title(s)
• The past 3 years’ worth of income tax returns
• Deeds to joint or individual property
• Copies of your and the abuser’s signature cards at the bank, CDs, and bonds
• Copy of any Personal Protection Order (PPO) – if one is in place
• Copies of all insurance policies, wills, trust funds, or pension fund information
• Abuser’s Social Security number, driver’s license number, work address and number
• Addresses and phone numbers of friends; criminal history; license plate number, and recent pictures
• Unless an attorney advises you not to, if you leave, take all personal assets and half of all joint assets (for example, bonds, saving accounts, checking account, credit card)

Protect Your Privacy:

Computer Safety:

• Most computer browsers (Google, Firefox, Safari, AOL, Microsoft Edge) track the pages that you visit when you are online, so you should clear your “cashe” after every time you use it. Learn more about erasing your browsing history.
• You are safest on a computer outside your home. Try your local library or college for access to free computers
• Be cautious with what you say in emails, texts, and messages. Your abuser may be able to access your account.
• Expect that everyone – even your abuser – will find out about your social media accounts. Close your social media accounts.
• Remove all information about yourself from online, including old blogs, old social media accounts, and email accounts.
• Make sure that your Twitter account is not set to tweet out your location. Here’s additional information about Twitter and privacy
• If you can’t delete certain pages of personal information, contact the “webmaster” or “host” of the site and explain why you need your information taken down
• Delete the Facebook App off your mobile device, tablet, and computer – this site frequently “follows you” around and you ex may be able to track you through it. Here’s how to remove your Facebook page.
• Change usernames and passwords for all accounts frequently and do not write them down. Change them into nonsensical series of numbers, symbols, and letters. Even if you believe that your abuser doesn’t have access to them, there are keylogging programs that can easily determine that information.
• Disconnect GPS from you phone, computer, and tablets. Learn how to disable geo-tagging on your smartphone.
• If you use a computer-based email program like Outlook, Outlook Express, Eudora or Apple Mail, anybody who has access to your computer can read your email.
• Make certain that your computer does not “save” your email address and/or password and make certain to log out of your email each and every time you are finished using it.
• Be mindful of what you buy and where you buy it from – you don’t want to be tracked.

Phone Safety:

• Use landlines rather than cordless telephones, if you are able to find one as corded phones are harder to tap.
• Use a prepaid phone card or call collect so that the charges don’t appear on your phone bill.
• Obtain a new cellphone before you leave if possible – you want to make sure your phone is in no way connected to your partner.
• Check your cellphone settings – as there are a large number of social media site and other technologies that your abuser can use to listen to your calls or track your location, even if you do not answer the phone.
• Get your own cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about. If you are purchasing a pay-as-you-go plan, pay cash so it cannot be connected to you
• Set a lock code onto your phone or use fingerprint sensing technology to ensure that no one can access your phone
• Turn off “Locate My Phone” if your phone has this
• Turn off the GPS on your phone and leave it on E-911
• Log yourself out of any apps you’re not using and consider deleting apps off your phone that show your location (Facebook, for example)
• Turn off Bluetooth when you’re not using it
• You can get a donated phone through a low-income program such as Safe Link Wireless – it is important to know that Verizon’s Hopeline will no longer be participating in donating phones to victims as of December 2018.
• If you had to bring your old phone with you, when you’re not using your cellphone, take out the battery and wrap it in tinfoil, however the minute it powers on, it will signal your location if someone is watching it

If You Have Pets:

• Have your pets vaccinated & licensed in your own name in order to establish ownership.
• Contact your local humane society, SPCA, animal control agency, boarding facility, or veterinarian to check if they have temporary foster care facilities for pets belonging to battered women. Check out a list of all the emergency housing for your pets available in all 50 states.
• Animals are considered property in all 50 states so be sure to include them in temporary restraining orders.
• Prepare the pets for a quick departure. Collect vaccination records, pet license, medical records, & other documents.
• Ask for help from animal care & control officers or law enforcement if your pets need to be retrieved from the abuser. Never reclaim animals from your abuser alone.

Safety After You’ve Left:

• Get an unlisted phone number
• Change locks and phone number and make sure your phone has caller ID and ask for it to be blocked so that when dialing out, your phone number does not appear
• Alert your employer and ask if they can have someone screen your calls
• Keep printouts of any online harassment, a diary of any stalking behaviors – including time, date, and what the abuser did
• Use a PO Box rather than using a home address
• Apply for state’s address confidentiality program (it will confidentially forward all mail to your home)
• Cancel all old bank accounts and credit cards. When you open new accounts, use a new bank.
• You may want to get a restraining order, BUT DO NOT FEEL FALSELY COMFORTED BY ONE. Not all states enforce restraining orders. Contact your state’s Domestic Violence Coalition to see what is legal in your state.
• If you do have a restraining order, keep a certified copy of it with you at all times, and inform friends, neighbors,and employers that you have a restraining order in effect
• Call local law enforcement to enforce the order, see how they can help you keep safe, and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors ,and schools with a picture of the offender.
• Be aware that your addresses will be on your restraining order and any police reports, and be extremely careful who you give them to
• Tell people who take care of your children, drive them/pick them up from school, and activities. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order and a picture of your abuser and have them alert the police if they see anything suspicions
• Change your routine – new work hours, new routes, new places to frequent
• Change the route to school for your kids – or transfer them to a new school
• Make certain all the school staff are aware of this situation
• Change the stores you frequent, any appointments you have had on the calendar, and different social places
• Ask your neighbors to call the police in the event they see your abuser or feel that you are in danger
• Install a security system with video if possible
• Install metal doors to the outside
• Install motion-activated security lights outside

Additional Information For Domestic Abuse:

For those in the US, please call or visit the National Domestic Hotline (RAINN) at  800.656.HOPE (4673)

Visit ShelterSafe to find the helpline of a women’s shelter in Canada

In The UK, call Women’s Aid UK at 0808 2000 247.

If you’re in Ireland, call Women’s Aid at 1800 341 900. This company works to make women, men, and children safe from domestic violence, offer support, provide hope to those affected by abuse and work for justice and social change.

If you’re in Australia, please call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732 – this is a hotline open 24/7/365

The International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies has a global domestic violence network with country and state-specific information. They offer domestic violence hotlines and resources in over 110 different languages and are an invaluable resource for those around the world.

Last edit 11/2018 BSH