Child Neglect Resources

by Band Back Together | Aug 2, 2018

What is Child Neglect?

Child neglect is a type of maltreatment in which the caregiver fails to provide needed, age-appropriate care, even though the caregiver is financially able, or would be if offered financial or other means, to do so. Neglect is often seen as an ongoing pattern of inadequate care that is easily observed by people who are in close contact with the child. Once children are in school, personnel often notice indicators of child neglect such as poor hygiene, poor weight gain, inadequate medical care, or frequent absences from school. Professionals have defined four types of neglect: physical, emotional, educational, and medical.

Child neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse in the United States. In infants, toddlers, and preschool-aged children, neglect is often reported by doctors, nurses, day care personnel, neighbors, and relatives. School-aged children suffering from signs of neglect (poor hygiene, inadequate weight gain, infrequent medical care) are often reported by school personnel. More children suffer from neglect in the United States than from physical and sexual abuse combined. The US Department of Health and Human Services found that in 2007 there were 794,000 victims of child maltreatment in the US, of those victims 59% were victims of neglect. Some researchers have proposed 5 different types of neglect: physical neglect, emotional neglect, medical neglect, mental health neglect, and educational neglect. States may code any maltreatment type that does not fall into one of the main categories – physical abuse, neglect, medical neglect, sexual abuse, and psychological or emotional maltreatment—as “other.”

In spite of this, neglect has received significantly less attention than physical and sexual abuse by practitioners, researchers, and the media. One explanation may be that neglect is so difficult to identify. Neglect often is an act of omission. But neglecting children’s needs can be just as injurious as striking out at them.

How Is Child Abuse and Neglect Defined?

From Child Welfare.Gov, the federal legislation lays the groundwork for state laws on child abuse and neglect by identifying a minimum set of behaviors or actions that define child abuse and neglect. Most state and federal child protection laws refer primarily to cases of harm caused by parents or other caregivers; they do not often include acts of harm caused by other people, such as acquaintances or strangers. Some state laws include a child witnessing domestic violence as a form of abuse or neglect.

The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) was amended and reauthorized by the CAPTA Reauthorization Act of 2010 defines child abuse and neglect as, at a bare minimum:

“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver which results in death, serious emotional or physical harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act of failure to act presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”

What Are The Types of Child Neglect?

There are four recognized types of neglect that children suffer:

Physical Child Neglect – The majority of child neglect cases involve physical neglect, which is defined as a caregiver not providing a child with the basic necessities such as clothing, food, and shelter. Physical neglect may also involve child abandonment, improper supervision, rejection of a child (leading to expulsion from the home), improper safety measures, and failure to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs.

Failure or refusal to provide a child these basic necessities endangers a child’s physical health, well-being, psychological growth and development. This may cause problems such as failure to thrive, malnutrition, chronic illness, a lifetime of low self-esteem, and injuries from improper supervision

Emotional/Psychological Child Neglect includes engaging in chronic or extreme domestic abuse in front of the child, allowing the child to abuse drugs and alcohol, refusal (or failure) to provide needed psychological care, belittling the child and withholding affection. Severe neglect of infants through failing to meet needs of stimulation and/or nurturance can lead to failure to thrive and even death.

Emotional Child Neglect also includes:

• Corrupting or exploiting the child by encouraging illegal, destructive or antisocial behavior.
• Ignoring the child, consistently failing to provide stimulation, nurturance, encouragement, protection, or failure to acknowledge the child’s existence.
• Rejecting the child, actively refusing the child’s needs.
• Verbally assaulting the child through name calling, threatening, or consistent belittlement.
• Isolating the child and preventing normal social contacts with other children and/or adults.
• Terrorizing the child with threats of extreme punishment, or creating a climate of terror by playing off the child’s fears.

These parental/caregiver behaviors can lead to substance use and abuse, low-self worth, suicide, and destructive behaviors in the child. Emotional child neglect is often difficult to substantiate and is generally reported secondarily to other forms of child neglect

Educational Child Neglect involves the failure of a parent/caregiver to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school or provide appropriate home schooling or special education training. This allows the child to engage in chronic truancy. Educational child neglect leads to the failure of the child to develop basic life skills, consistent disruptive behavior, and dropping out of school. It can pose a major threat to the child’s emotional well-being, physical health, and normal psychological growth, especially when the child has special educational needs.

Medical Child Neglect is the failure to provide appropriate health care for a child when financially able to do so. This places a child at risk for being seriously disabled, disfigured, or dying. Even in non-emergencies, medical neglect may result in poor physical health and additional medical problems.

Medical child neglect may occur due to religious beliefs, fear or anxiety about a medical condition and its treatment, or financial issues, including lack of insurance coverage. Situations in which Child Protective Services will generally intervene via court order include:

• Child with life-threatening chronic disease is not receiving medical treatment.
• Acute medical emergency requires medical intervention.
• Child has a chronic condition that may cause disfigurement or disability if left untreated.

Medical child neglect is highly correlated with poverty. There is a clear-cut distinction between a parent/caregiver’s inability to provide needed care based upon cultural norms, a lack of financial resources, and a reluctance to provide care.

Children and their families may be in need of services even if the parent isn’t intentionally neglectful. If poverty is an issue, services may be offered to help families provide for their children.

What Are Some Symptoms Of Child Neglect?

Despite the overwhelming amount of children suffering neglect at home, this particular type of child abuse can be tricky to spot. Here are some possible symptoms of child neglect:

The Child:

• Shows changes in behavior and/or school performance
• Lacks medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses
• Has learning issues (or difficulty concentrating) that can’t be attribute to a physical or psychological cause
• Is always watchful, like he or she is waiting for something bad to happen
• Is constantly dirty and has persistent body odor
• Hasn’t received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention.
• Lacks adult supervision
• States that no one is home to care for him or her
• Lacks sufficient clothing for the seasons (such as a missing coat)
• Frequently absent from school
• Abuses drugs or alcohol
• Begs and/or steals money or food

The Parent/Caregiver:

• Acts indifferently to the child
• Seems apathetic and/or depression
• Abuses drugs or alcohol
• Acts irrationally or bizarrely

Why Does Child Neglect Occur?

Most parents don’t hurt or neglect their children intentionally. Many were themselves abused or neglected. Very young or inexperienced parents might not know how to take care of their babies or what they can reasonably expect from children at different stages of development. Circumstances that place families under extraordinary stress—for instance, poverty, divorce, sickness, disability—sometimes take their toll in the maltreatment of children.

Researchers propose that factors of parenting stem from the parents’ own developmental history and psychological well-being, characteristics of the family and child, and coping strategies, and resources.

There are a myriad of reasons why child neglect may occur in a household.  In some cases, parents are ill-prepared for parenthood, which may be remedied by learning better parenting skills through parenting classes. Other situations that may lead to child neglect and abuse include:

• Caregiver has a drug or alcohol addiction
• Family stress due to economic struggles and/or divorce
• Under- or untreated mental illness in the caregiver or children
• Caregiver was neglected as a child
• Domestic violence in the home
• Disabilities in the caregiver or child
• Family isolation, lack of family or social support
• Community violence and crime

What Is The Impact of Child Neglect?

The long-term impact and consequences of neglect in children varies wildly from person to person and depend, in part, upon several things:

• The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
• The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
• The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
• The relationship between the child and the perpetrator

Neglect can interrupt a child’s mental and physical development and lead to life-long psychological and physical problems.

Physical Health Consequences: Child abuse and neglect can have a multitude of long-term effects on physical health.

• Abusive head trauma and permanent disabilities: an inflicted injury to the head and its contents caused by shaking and blunt impact, is the most common cause of traumatic death for infants. The injuries  may not be immediately noticeable and may include bleeding in the eye or brain and damage to the spinal cord and neck. Significant brain development takes place during infancy, and this important development is compromised in maltreated children. One in every four victims of shaken baby syndrome dies, and nearly all victims experience serious health consequences
• Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form or grow properly, resulting in impaired development. These alterations in brain maturation have long-term consequences for cognitive, language, and academic abilities and are connected with mental health disorder
• Poor health and chronic illness: Several studies have shown a relationship between various forms of child maltreatment and poor health. Adults who experienced abuse or neglect during childhood are more likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, lung and liver disease, hypertension, diabetes, asthma, and obesity.

Psychological Consequences: The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect—isolation, fear, and an inability to trust—can translate into lifelong psychological consequences, including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:

• Difficulties during infancy. Of children entering foster care in 2010, 16 percent were younger than 1 year. When infants and young children enter out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect, the trauma of a primary caregiver change negatively affects their attachments to others. Nearly half of infants in foster care who have experienced maltreatment exhibit some form of cognitive delay, have lower IQ scores, language difficulties, and neonatal challenges compared to children who have not been abused or neglected.
• Poor mental and emotional health. Experiencing childhood trauma and adversity, such as physical or sexual abuse, is a risk factor for borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders. One study found that roughly 54 percent of cases of depression and 58 percent of suicide attempts in women were connected to adverse childhood experiences Child maltreatment also negatively impacts the development of emotion regulation, which often persists into adolescence or adulthood.
• Cognitive difficulties: Researchers found that children with substantiated reports of maltreatment were at risk for severe developmental and cognitive problems, including grade repetition. More than 10 percent of school-aged children and youth showed some risk of cognitive problems or low academic achievement, 43 percent had emotional or behavioral problems, and 13 percent had both.
• Social difficulties: Children who experience neglect are more likely to develop antisocial traits as they grow up. Parental neglect is associated with borderline personality disorders, attachment issues or affectionate behaviors with unknown/little-known people, inappropriate modeling of adult behavior, and aggression.

Behavioral Consequences: Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group.More than half of youth reported for maltreatment are at risk for an emotional or behavioral problem Child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

• Difficulties during adolescence: More than half of youth with reports of maltreatment are at risk of grade repetition, substance abuse, delinquency, truancy, or pregnancy. Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Victims of child sexual abuse also are at a higher risk for rape in adulthood, and the rate of risk increases according to the severity of the child sexual abuse experience(s)
• Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. Several studies have documented the correlation between child abuse and future juvenile delinquency. Children who have experienced abuse are nine times more likely to become involved in other criminal activities.
• Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that children who have experienced abuse or neglect will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime. In fact, male children who’ve had six or more adverse childhood experiences had an increased likelihood—of more than 4,000 percent—to use intravenous drugs later in life
• Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. Data from the Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health showed that girls who experienced childhood physical abuse were 1–7 percent more likely to become perpetrators of youth violence and 8–10 percent more likely to be perpetrators of interpersonal violence (IPV). Boys who experienced childhood sexual violence were 3–12 percent more likely to commit youth violence and 1–17 percent more likely to commit IPV.

Societal Consequences: While child abuse and neglect usually occur within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.

• Direct costs. The lifetime cost of child maltreatment and related fatalities in 1 year totals $124 billion, according to a study funded by the CDC. Child maltreatment is more costly on an annual basis than the two leading health concerns, stroke and type 2 diabetes. On the other hand, programs that prevent maltreatment have shown to be cost effective. The U.S. Triple P System Trial, funded by the CDC, has a benefit/cost ratio of $47 in benefits to society for every $1 in program costs.
• Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences to society because of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with increased use of our health-care system, juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Prevent Child Abuse America estimates that child abuse and neglect prevention strategies can save taxpayers $104 billion each year. According to the Schuyler Center for Analysis and Advocacy (2011), every $1 spent on home visiting yields a $5.70 return on investment in New York, including reduced confirmed reports of abuse, reduced family enrollment in Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, decreased visits to emergency rooms, decreased arrest rates for mothers, and increased monthly earnings. One study found that all eight categories of adverse childhood experiences were associated with an increased likelihood of employment problems, financial problems, and absenteeism/ The authors assert that these long-term costs—to the workforce and to society—are preventable

What To Do If You Suspect Child Neglect:

If you see a case of suspected child neglect, report it first to the local child protective services. Reasonable suspicion based upon objective evidence and firsthand observations or statements from a parent or child is all that is needed to report.

Here is a State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies and their telephone numbers.

Call Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child to get a referral to your local agency. Those professionals who work with children are required by law (mandated reporters) to report any reasonable suspicion of child abuse and child neglect.

Child Neglect Hotlines:

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child

National Parent Helpline: 1-855-4A PARENT – 1-855-427-2736

What Will Happen If I Report Child Neglect?

Typically, an agent from Child Protective Services will be sent to the home to assess the environment in which the children live.  The agent may interview the parents, children, other family members, and neighbors to assess the gravity of the situation and gain an understanding of the contributing factors.

Child Protective Services will determine what actions the caregivers should take in order to provide the children with appropriate care.  Their goal is to protect the children while enabling families to provide appropriate care and stay in tact. In some cases custody may be suspended depending upon caregiver compliance and cooperation with action plans mandated to address the neglect.  It will then be determined if temporary foster care (with a family member or a caregiver in the foster care program) is needed to care for the children while the caregivers address the cited issues, or if the children should be removed from the home permanently if the caregiver does not comply.

Additional Resources for Child Abuse and Neglect:

State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies, their websites and telephone numbers.

A list of child abuse and neglect programs listed by the US government.

Childhelp is a leading national non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect. Childhelp’s approach focuses on prevention, intervention and treatment. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and receives calls from throughout the United States, Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Guam.

Leaving your child alone resources and laws by state.

National Parent Helpline – Being a parent is a critically important job, 24 hours a day. It’s not always easy. Call the National Parent Helpline to get emotional support from a trained Advocate and become empowered and a stronger parent.

The Child Welfare Information Gateway provides extensive information on child neglect, its impacts, and the laws in place to prevent it.

Page last audited 8/2018

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

by Band Back Together | Aug 1, 2018

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance as well as an intense preoccupation with themselves.

The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” such as criticism or rejection.

What Are The Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include the following:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others).
• Is obsessed with him- or herself.
• Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated.
• Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships.
• Becomes furious if criticized.
• Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
• Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
• Requires extreme admiration for everything.
• Feels entitled – has unreasonable expectations of special treatment.
• Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs.
• Has zero empathy – cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others.
• May be envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her.
• Behaves arrogantly, haughtily.

Children of Narcissists:

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who have children open their children up to a WORLD of damage and child abuse. Generally, Narcissistic Parents are possessively close to their children when they are small – their children are a source of self-esteem. Parents with NPD are unable to truly love their own children – they are simply a means for attention from others.

When their children grow to become more independent, the narcissistic parent may feel jealous or envious of the child.

While there are many ways in which a Narcissistic Parent abuses his or her child, there are times that a Narcissistic Parent is kind. This makes the abuse harder to handle for children of Narcissistic Parents – the child knows that the underlying tension means that one wrong move means that things will go wrong and the Narcissistic Parent may fly into a Narcissistic Rage.

Children of Narcissistic Parents must adhere to the agenda of the the Narcissistic Parent for their lives to be stable. Asserting their feelings, their rights, or their thoughts can lead to much bigger problems. These children of Narcissistic Parents learn that their feelings are invalid, unimportant, and inconsequential. They often stifle all feelings to keep the peace in the house.

When a Narcissistic Parent is kind, the child learns that this kindness comes with an agenda, with strings attached. Generally, the strings include guilt or a feeling of being beholden to their Narcissistic Parent, “If I do this for you, you OWE me,” is a common behavior of Narcissistic Parents. The child is exposed to conditional – or love that requires criteria – love.

One of the problems with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes years for the children to figure out that their parent isn’t quite right in the head. By this time, these children are simply doing everything they can to please the impossible-to-please parent. It takes years to understand that the parenting they got was both wrong and abusive.

Young children of narcissists learn that everything they do is a reflection on the parent, which means that the child must fit into the intended personality and behavioral mold. These children experience tremendous anxiety as they must continually push aside their own personality to please the parent and provide the mirror image the parent so desperately requires. If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life,  the children will be overtly-punished, frozen out, or avoided for hours, days,or even weeks depending on their perceived transgression against the narcissistic parent.

Children feel their narcissistic parent as unpredictable and confusing, especially considering narcissists are awfully challenging for even adults to understand. Try to imagine how the narcissist in a child – because children can’t really understand the narcissist’s interpersonal stunts, these children often internalize shame, believing that they are the problem. This shame turns to anger inside the child and dreadfully impact’s self-esteem. The bond between the narcissistic parent and child is weak. The child doesn’t feel loved consistently as he or she is only measured by the yardstick of the parent’s actions and reactions.

As narcissists see themselves as perfect, they usually completely believe that they are doign the best as parents; that any resistence or negativity on the part of the child is simply the “child being ungrateful.”

Unfortunately for these children, it’s often years or decades later, their lives as a child of a narcissist begin to make sense. Friends and partners often see the crazy parenting of a narcissist, which helps a child get a reality check. After all, you don’t know your parent is messed up until you see the way other people’s family behave.

Narcissistic Parent Glossary And Terms:

Narcissistic Attachment: is the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as a particular status.

Parentification: is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.

Infantilization: using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the Narcissistic Parent.

Narcissistic Injury Those with NPD are shaped by an acute emotional injury during their very early “narcissistic” developmental phase (ages 2 to 4 years old). A traumatic experience such as loss, deprivation, or shame involving the primary caregiver is thought to be at the root of narcissistic injury.

Triangulation: a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. For example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the Narcissistic Parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic Supply: is a term used to designate the manner in which narcissists require, feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a Narcissist. Children of narcissists are used as an ongoing source of this attention.

Hoovering: Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often cruel, they ultimately make those around them miserable and eventually drive many people away. If a source of “supply” pulls away or tries to go “no contact,” the narcissist typically attempts to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within his realm of control

Gaslighting: a way in which Narcissistic Parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is actually green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

Projecting The narcissist has a big bag of tricks. One of her go-to abuses is projection, in which she beams her words, actions, traits, and motives onto others. If she lied, you are the liar; if she is childish, you are immature; if she insulted you, you are critical; if she demanded reassurance, you are insecure; if she ate food off your plate, you are a selfish piggy. Through projection, the narcissist blames the victim and denies all accountability.

Projection is an insidious form of lying that is especially traumatic for children, who internalize the belief that they are victimizing the person who is actually abusing them. This false reality produces a cognitive dissonance in which the child is told that what happened is the opposite of what she perceived—white is black. A narcissist may project her ideal beliefs about herself onto others, such as her golden child or someone she admires.

Narcissistic Rage: Narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a Narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children. Generally occurs when one or more of the following things happen to the narcissist:

•  The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable.
•  The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
•  The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.
•  The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries
•  The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions. The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image – like not being given preferential treatment
•  The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.
•  The narcissist feels (fears) that he or she is not in control of their relational or physical surroundings.

What Are The Types of Narcissistic Parents?

Narcissistic Parents fall into two different categories. Engulfing parents and ignoring parents. Both of these types of Narcissistic Parents are incredibly damaging to their children.

The Engulfing Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who see no boundaries between themselves and their children. Children are seen as extension of the parent – not as another person. For babies and toddlers, this is okay – small children don’t often see themselves as separate from their parents anyway.

An engulfing parent uses tactics like Parentification, Infantilization, and Triangulation (see glossary above) to keep the child close. This type of narcissistic parent will ignore all boundaries as a child ages, seeing no problem asking overly personal questions, reading the child’s emails and personal stories.

The Ignoring Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who don’t actually care much about their children. Unlike Engulfing Parents, an Ignoring Parent sees the boundary between themselves and their child, and has no interest in their child.

This can be extremely confusing and bewildering as the child grows to feel unloved, uncared for, hindering future relationships for this child. Often, an Ignoring Parent doesn’t even bother helping a child with physical cleanliness, teaching hygiene, or helping with school work.

The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She’s a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her partners and children. She’s is all about performing. She’s noticeable, flashy, fun and “out there.” Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don’t really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.

The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But… if you don’t accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.

The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.

The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic as the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less… but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.

The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.

The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child’s feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.

Family Dynamics In Narcissistic Parent Households:

Roles and rules in the narcissist family are fluid and changeable depending on the narcissist’s motives at any given time.

The Narcissist: This is Mom or Dad, or both parents, and/or stepparents. The narcissist is the family tyrant, with everyone else revolving around her.

The Enabler: This is usually a spouse of the narcissist. The enabler supports the narcissist’s larger-than-life persona, his extreme sense of entitlement, and his attitude and behavior toward others. The narcissist manipulates the enabler to do his bidding typically through alternating abuse and special treatment. The enabler is always avoiding attack while also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, or money. The enabler is often under the delusion that s/he is the only one who can truly understand the narcissist and meet his needs.

If there are several children in a Narcissistic Household, the dynamic may be one of the Golden Child versus the Scapegoat, which can cause major friction and rightful jealousy between the children.

Flying Monkeys: These are a type of enabler, often one or more children in the narcissist family. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they mindlessly assist in the narcissist’s dirty work. The most manipulable members of the family make the best flying monkeys.

The Golden Child, seen as an extension of the Narcissistic Parent, can do no wrong, and even the most minor of achievements are cause for celebration, admiration, and rewards. The narcissist lavishes her chosen one with attention, praise, and approval, even if s/he has done nothing in particular to “earn” it. The narcissist often projects what she wants to believe about herself onto her idealized offspring. If it suits the narcissist, she may shift her tactics and select a different one of her children for the golden child role.

The Scapegoat Child is to blame for all of the family woes. While the Golden Child can do no wrong, the Scapegoat Child can do no right. All achievements are dismissed.

Clearly, this imbalance causes problems between the children, and offers the Narcissistic Parent the opportunity to Triangulate, as the Narcissistic Parent acts as a go-between between the children.

Traits of Narcissistic Parents:

While these traits may not match all Narcissistic Parents, what follows are some common traits of Narcissistic Parents:

1) A Narcissistic Parent has difficulty understanding the emotions of empathy and how to create meaningful connections. As the personal needs of Narcissistic Parents dominate, these parents have little room for the needs of anyone else. It makes it almost impossible for these Narcissistic Parents to relate to the feelings and meet the physical and emotional needs of their children.

2) A Narcissistic Parent owns the successes of his or her children. In a Narcissistic Parents mind, he or she has been sacrificing everything for his or her child – the child must retaliate by performing at or above expectations. These childhood achievements are then owned by the Narcissistic Parent as their own, “he’s a great soccer player – it’s my genetics. I was always athletic, too.”

3) Narcissistic Parents must be in control. No matter what. A Narcissistic Parent controls his or her children by dictating how these children should feel, should act, and the decisions to be made. This can lead to adult children of Narcissistic Parents being unsure of what they, themselves, like and want out of life. These Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents never learn to be autonomous and make his or her own decisions.

4) Narcissistic Parents emotionally blackmail their children. A Narcissistic Parent often is indulgent, kind, and sweet if a child is behaving in the way their Narcissistic Parent wants. However, the moment a child is disobedient, a Narcissistic Parent becomes enraged and cruel. This show of “I love you, go away,” creates insecurity and dependency among children of Narcissistic Parents.

How Do Narcissistic Parents Control Their Children?

There are a few ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children. These control mechanisms include:

1) Codependent Control: “I need you. I can’t live without you.” This prevents children of Narcissistic Parents from having any autonomy, from living their own lives.

2) Guilt-Driven Control: “I’ve given my life for you. I’ve sacrificed it all.” This method of control creates a feeling of obligation in children; that they “owe” their Narcissistic Parents and must behave in a certain way to make their parents happy.

3) Love Withdrawal Control: “You’re worthy of my love ONLY BECAUSE you behave the way I expect you to.” So long as their children are behaving properly, a Narcissistic Parent will be loving. That love disappears the moment a child doesn’t meet expectations.

4) Goal-Oriented Control: “We have to work together to achieve a goal.” These goals are generally the goals, dreams, and fantasies of a Narcissistic Parent. A Narcissistic Parent lives vicariously through his or her children.

5) Explicit Control: “Obey me or I’ll punish you.” Children of Narcissistic Parents must do as they’re told or risk shame, guilt, anger, or even physical abuse.

6) Emotional Incest Control: “You’re my one true love, The One, the most important person to me.” An opposite-sex parent makes his or her child fulfill the unmet needs of the Narcissistic Parent.

How Do Narcissistic Parents Abuse Their Children?

Narcissistic Parents have many subtle – and some not-so-subtle- ways in which they abuse their children. These types of abuse include the following:

1. Rejecting: Narcissistic parents will often (either purposefully or unconsciously) tell a child – in many ways – that he or she is not wanted. Belittling the child’s needs or putting a child down is a form of emotional abuse that makes the child the family scapegoat for all problems.

• constant criticism
• name-calling
• telling child he/she is ugly
• yelling or swearing at the child
• frequent belittling and use of labels such as “stupid” or “idiot”
• constant demeaning jokes
• verbal humiliation
• constant teasing about child’s body type and/or weight
• expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite sex
• refusing hugs and loving gestures
• physical abandonment
• excluding child from family activities
• treating an adolescent like he is a child
• expelling the child from the family
• not allowing a child to make his own reasonable choices

2. Ignoring: Narcissists often struggle with meeting the needs of their children and may not show any attachment or positive nurturing to the child. Narcissists may ignore their children, may be physical present but emotionally unavailable. These behaviors are considered to be emotional and psychological abuse:

• no response to infant’s spontaneous social behaviors
• failure to pay attention to significant events in child’s life
• lack of attention to schooling, peers
• refusing to discuss your child’s activities and interests
• planning activities/vacations without including your child
• not accepting the child as an offspring
• denying required health care
• denying required dental care
• failure to engage child in day to day activities
• failure to protect child

3. Terrorizing: Narcissistic parents may use threats and yelling are doing major psychological harm to their children. Singling out the scapegoat child to punish, ridicule, or criticize the child for using normal emotions is abuse.

• excessive teasing
• yelling, cursing and scaring
• unpredictable and extreme responses to a child’s behavior
• extreme verbal threats
• raging, alternating with periods of warmth
• threatening abandonment
• berating family members in front of or in ear range of a child
• threatening to destroy a favorite object
• threatening to harm a beloved pet
• forcing child to watch inhumane acts
• inconsistent demands on the child
• displaying inconsistent emotions
• changing the “rules of the game”
• threatening that the child is adopted or doesn’t belong
• ridiculing a child in public
• threatening to reveal intensely embarrassing traits to peers
• threatening to kick an adolescent out of the house

4. Isolating: A narcissistic parent often isolates his or her child from engaging in normal activity, restricting eating, insisting a child remain in his or her room all day and night.

• leaving a child unattended for long periods
• keeping a child away from family
• not allowing a child to have friends
• not permitting a child to interact with other children
• rewarding a child for withdrawing from social contact
• ensuring that a child looks and acts differently than peers
• isolating a child from peers or social groups
• insisting on excessive studying and/or chores
• preventing a child from participating in activities outside the home
• punishing a child for engaging in normal social experiences

5. Corrupting: Narcissistic parents may attempt to corrupt their child by exposing them to age-inappropriate activities, including drugs or alcohol, pornography, or criminal activities.

• rewarding child for bullying and/or harassing behavior
• teaching racism and ethnic biases or bigotry
• encouraging violence in sporting activities
• inappropriate reinforcement of sexual activity
• rewarding a child for lying and stealing
• rewarding a child for substance abuse or sexual activity
• supplying child with drugs, alcohol and other illegal substances
• promoting illegal activities such as selling drugs

6. Exploiting: Many narcissistic parents manipulate or force inappropriate activity on their child, such as doing chores far above a child’s ability.

• infants and young children expected not to cry
• anger when infant fails to meet a developmental stage
• a child expected to be ‘caregiver’ to the parent
• a child expected to take care of younger siblings
• blaming a child for misbehavior of siblings
• unreasonable responsibilities around the house
• expecting a child to support family financially
• encouraging participation in pornography
• sexually abusing child or youth

What Happens To The Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents?

As the narcissistic parent child bond was so corrupt, unfortunately many children of narcissistic parents gravitate toward roller-coaster, drama-filled relationships, especially partners. As these people did not grow up with the belief that they were good or even okay inside, it makes perfect sense that they would choose unstable romantic relationships, too. Adult children of narcissists often feel out of place in a relationship of consistent love and caring, and in fact may feel major anxiety about such a relationship, so they choose relationships that remind them of the bond with his or her narcissistic parent.

The adult child of a narcissist feels that he or she must cater to – and keep their partner happy – even when that involves denying their own needs and feelings.

It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist go into therapy therapy or experience a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create stronger, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us value in our relationships.

Once the child or adult child of the narcissist starts to get psychologically healthier and begins to distance himself from the parent, the narcissistic parent experiences a sort of existential panic. Often, it’s a therapist, coworker, or friend who tells the adult or child of a narcissistic parent that his or her parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. Once the parent engages in fight mode, the narcissistic parent becomes furious and works to ostracize whomever they suspect of pulling the child away from the parent’s grip. Though it can be confusing for the adult child to understand why his or her narcissistic parent verbally tears apart his or her friends and confidants, the parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what matters most to the narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs – not those of the adult child.

Growing up with all emotional needs unmet, becoming a “mini-adult,” being the product of so much emotional abuse takes a tremendous toll on a child of a Narcissistic Parent. If the Narcissistic Parent does not stop the abuse or the child does not receive adequate help, one of two scenarios happens to adult children of Narcissistic Parents.

1) The child grows to have narcissistic traits, and becomes a Narcissistic Parent to his/her own children. This perpetuates the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.

2) The child becomes a “covert” or “inverted” narcissist who remains codependent and may seek out abusive relationships with other narcissists.

Difficulties Faced By Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

Lack of Trust and Intimacy: Children of narcissistic parents learn at a young age that it’s best not to express feelings or confide in others and that trusting another to protect you is a mistake. Sure, it’s difficult and lonely to always put up a barrier up to protect yourself from others, but it’s better than being hurt over and over again.

Not Knowing What You Value or Want: It’s pretty difficult to know what’s important to you when your entire life has been lived as a reflection of your parent’s wants and needs. And, don’t forget, you were told repeatedly that you were a poor reflection at that. It’s little wonder that even those children of narcissists who think they know what they want believe they’re probably wrong and don’t trust their feelings

Believing That You’re Unlovable Children of narcissists grow up never being as good at anything as their parents. Any problems in the family were the child’s fault. As such, they learn that they’ll unlikely to ever amount to much, aren’t worthy of other people’s acceptance and love, and often let people walk all over them because they’re not in touch with what they need and they don’t know how to express it. Accordingly, children of narcissists tend to replicate the dysfunctional relationship they had with their parents by unconsciously seeking out romantic partners who are equally critical, withholding, and emotionally unavailable.

Picking Up Narcissistic Traits of Your Own – If you’ve been denied the spotlight all of your life, you may desperately crave some (any!) attention, even if it’s negative attention, and many children of narcissists do just this. Of course, since children of narcissists rarely received the attention they crave and aren’t used to it, their first reaction to being in the spotlight is often to run as far from it possible. But, that doesn’t mean they won’t try to get back into it again. Whether that attention is uncomfortable or you feel you can’t possibly deserve it, if you’re the child of a narcissist, craving that attention is all you’ve ever known.

People Pleasing and Codependency – When a child faces manipulation on a daily basis and spends most waking moments taking care of their parent’s emotional and physical needs, he or she learns to value themselves only in relation to how they make others feel. Such children take this learned need to please others into all of their other relationships as an adult and it takes a lot of work even to recognize and acknowledge these behaviors for what they are.

Accepting that You’ll Never Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Narcissistic Parent – Just because you’re now an adult doesn’t mean you somehow magically learn to stop craving the approval you never received as a child. And, until they do some serious work on themselves, all adult children of narcissists hope beyond hope that one day their relationships with their parents will stop revolving around their parent’s possessiveness, blame, and need for validation.

I’m The Adult Child of A Narcissistic Parent…What Now?

Healing from such a traumatic childhood is absolutely a daunting task. Having your own emotional needs unmet for so long may make the notion of recovery seemingly impossible. It’s not. Here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

• Begin working through the grieving process – allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
• Acknowledge that you’ve never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
• Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
• Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change – he or she will not change.
• Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself – those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
• Remember – you matter too. A lot.
• You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You’re a great person, worthy of love and devotion..
• Stop being afraid of your Narcissistic Parent – you are an adult, you survived hell, and you need to reclaim your life as your own. Start by erasing that fear.
• Get rid of that feeling of not fitting in or belonging. It was put there by your Narcissistic Parent and it’s got to go.
• We are none of us alone – that means you, too!
• Find and connect with other Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
• Find a therapist who specializes in treating Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
• You’re probably still afraid of “getting into trouble” thanks to the way your Narcissistic Parent treated you. You’re an adult now, and you don’t answer to anyone but yourself.
• Release some of that anger. Smash some plates. Scream. Hit a pillow. Anything to let the anger of being an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parent out.
• Learn to be autonomous – start by making small decisions for yourself, and learn that you – yes YOU – are in charge of your own life.
• You are more than worthy. No matter what your Narcissistic Parent told you, you are more than worthy.
• Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.
• You do not need to feel guilty if you decide not to stay in touch with your Narcissistic Parent – it may be for your own good.
• Remember that your needs are important. Don’t be afraid to make them know and ask for what you need.

Do I Stay In Contact With My Narcissistic Parent?

Separating yourself from the sort of codependency that’s common from Narcissistic Parents may seem daunting. Sure, they were emotionally (or physically)(or both) abusive, but your Narcissistic Parent is STILL your parent.

As an Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent, you have two options:

1) Total Estrangement – no contact, nothing, with your Narcissistic Parent.

2) Measured Contact – contact, but limited interaction with Narcissistic Parent.

If you choose to keep measured contact with your Narcissistic Parent, be very sure to follow some strict, clear guidelines:

• Create very clear boundaries. Don’t reward your parent for crossing them. Be clear, but firm. If they show up unannounced, explain nicely that you are too busy to visit with them.
• Shield your own children from their Narcissistic Grandparent. They do not need to be exposed to their toxic behaviors.
• Rather than explain that you do not want to hear their advice, echo and mirror whatever the Narcissistic Parent says. Do whatever you’d planned to do anyway.
• Go through a third party as your Narcissistic Parent ages – do not allow them to rely upon you and you alone as they need care.
• Provide information on a “need to know” basis only. Just because your Narcissistic Parent tells you everything doesn’t mean you must reciprocate.

Additional Resources For Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: information, terms, forums, and guides for healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Voicelessness – essays and articles about growing up with narcissistic parents, written by a psychologist.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Website of an author who had a narcissistic parent.

Trauma Resources

by Band Back Together | Aug 1, 2018

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is any injury, physically or emotionally inflicted upon a person. Trauma has both a medical and a psychiatric definition. For the purposes of this site, we will focus primarily upon psychological trauma and its effects.

Emotional, or Psychological, Trauma is an intense, emotional reaction to a traumatic or severe situation. Trauma may be caused by stressful events such as natural disasters, incidences of abuse, assault, or death. Trauma can also be caused by more minor events, like a car accident or sports injuries.

A traumatic event involves a single event, or a repeating pattern of events that completely overwhelm an individual’s ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved in that experience. That feeling of being overwhelmed can last days, weeks, even years as the person struggles to cope.

Trauma can be caused by a number of events, but there are a few common aspects. There’s often a violation of the person’s familiar ideas about the world and of their rights, which puts the person into a state of extreme confusion and insecurity.

Psychological trauma may be accompanied by physical trauma or exist independently.

Trauma, while often involving a threat to life or safety, can also involve any situation that leaves you feeling stressed or alone, even if it didn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective facts that determine if an event is traumatic, but the subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you felt at the time, the more likely that you will feel traumatized afterwards.

A traumatic event or situation creates psychological trauma when it overwhelms the individual’s ability to cope, and leaves that person fearing death, annihilation, mutilation, or psychosis. The individual may feel emotionally, cognitively, and physically overwhelmed. The circumstances of the event commonly include abuse of power, betrayal of trust, entrapment, helplessness, pain, confusion, and/or loss.

This definition of trauma is fairly broad. It includes responses to powerful one-time incidents like accidents, natural disasters, crimes, surgeries, deaths, and other violent events. It also includes responses to chronic or repetitive experiences such as child abuse, neglect, combat, urban violence, concentration camps, battering relationships, and enduring deprivation. This definition intentionally does not allow us to determine whether a particular event is traumatic; that is up to each survivor. This definition provides a guideline for our understanding of a survivor’s experience of the events and conditions of his/her life.

There are two components to a traumatic experience: the objective and the subjective:

It’s is the subjective experience of the objective events that constitutes the trauma. The more you believe you are endangered, the more traumatized you will be. Psychologically, the bottom line of trauma is overwhelming emotion and a feeling of utter helplessness. There may or may not be bodily injury, but psychological trauma is coupled with physiological upheaval that plays a leading role in the long-range effects.

In other words, trauma is defined by the experience of the survivor. Two people could undergo the same noxious event and one person might be traumatized while the other person remained relatively unscathed. It is not possible to make blanket generalizations such that “X is traumatic for all who go through it” or “event Y was not traumatic because no one was physically injured.” In addition, the specific aspects of an event that are traumatic will be different from one individual to the next. You cannot assume that the details or meaning of an event, such as a violent assault or rape, that are most distressing for one person will be same for another person.

Trauma comes in many forms, and there are vast differences among people who experience trauma. But the similarities and patterns of response cut across the variety of stressors and victims, so it is very useful to think broadly about trauma.

A stressful event may be traumatic if any or all of these apply:

Psychological effects are likely to be most severe if the trauma is:

• Human-caused
• Repeated
• Unpredictable
• Multifaceted
• Sadistic
• Undergone in childhood
• And perpetrated by a caregiver
• It was unexpected.
• You felt powerless to prevent it
• You were unprepared
• You had an intense emotional reaction
• You are unable to have emotions about the situation

What is the Difference Between Emotional Trauma and Stress?

Trauma is stress run amuck. Stress deregulates our nervous systems – but for only a relatively short period of time. Within a few days or weeks, our nervous systems calm down and we revert to a normal state of equilibrium. This return to normalcy is not the case when we have been traumatized. One way to tell the difference between stress and emotional trauma is by looking at the outcome – how much residual effect an upsetting event is having on our lives, relationships, and overall functioning. Traumatic distress can be distinguished from routine stress by assessing the following:

• how quickly upset is triggered
• how frequently upset is triggered
• how intensely threatening the source of upset is
• how long upset lasts
• how long it takes to calm down

If we can communicate our distress to people who care about us and can respond adequately, and if we return to a state of equilibrium following a stressful event, we are in the realm of stress. If we become frozen in a state of active emotional intensity, we are experiencing an emotional trauma – even though sometimes we may not be consciously aware of the level of distress we are experiencing

Situations That May Cause Psychological Trauma:

Single Blow vs. Repeated Trauma

Single shocking events can certainly produce trauma reactions in some people:

• Natural disasters such as earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, volcanoes, etc.
• Closely related are technological disasters such as auto and plane crashes, chemical spills, nuclear failures, etc. Technological disasters are more socially divisive because there is always energy given towards finding fault and blaming.
• Criminal violence often involves single blow traumas such as robbery, rape and homicide, which not only have a great impact on the victims, but also on witnesses, loved ones of victims, etc. (Interestingly, there is often overlap between single blow and repeated trauma, because a substantial majority of victimized women have experienced more than one crime.)
• Unfortunately, traumatic effects are often cumulative.

There are many situations that have the potential to cause psychological trauma (although not every person exposed to the same stressors will develop a traumatic reaction). Here are a few of the known situations that can cause psychological trauma:

• Sexual Abuse
• Domestic Violence
• Indoctrination
• Children of Alcoholics (and addicts)
• Long-term exposure to verbal abuse
• Car Accidents
• Natural disasters
• Humiliating experiences
• Fall or sports injury
• Sudden, unexpected death of someone close
• Diagnosis of life-threatening illness or disabling condition

What Are The Types of Trauma?

Natural Trauma vs. Human-Made Trauma

Prolonged stressors, deliberately inflicted by people, are far harder to deal with than accidents or natural disasters. Most people who seek mental health treatment for trauma have been victims of violently inflicted wounds dealt by a person. If this was done deliberately, in the context of an ongoing relationship, the problems are increased. The worst situation is when the injury is caused deliberately in a relationship with a person on whom the victim is dependent – most specifically a parent-child relationship.

Types of Man-Made Violence

• War/political violence – Massive in scale, severe, repeated, prolonged, and unpredictable. Also multiple: witnessing, life threatening, but also doing violence to others. Embracing the identity of a killer.
• Human rights abuses – kidnapping, torture, etc.
• Criminal violence – discussed above.
• Rape – The largest group of people with post-traumatic stress disorder in this country. A national survey of 4000 women found that 1 in 8 reported being the victim of a forcible rape. Nearly half had been raped more than once. Nearly 1/3 was younger than 11 and over 60% were under 18. Women with a history of incest were at significantly higher risk for rape in later life (68% incest history, 38% no incest).
• Domestic Violence – recent studies show that between 21% and 34% of women will be assaulted by an intimate male partner. 20-30% of adults in the US, approved of hitting a spouse.
• Child Abuse – the scope of childhood trauma is staggering. Everyday children are beaten, burned, slapped, whipped, thrown, shaken, kicked, and raped. According to Dr. Bruce Perry, a conservative estimate of children at risk for PTSD exceeds 15 million.
• Sexual abuse – 40% of all psychiatric inpatients have histories of sexual abuse in childhood. Sexual abuse doesn’t occur in a vacuum: is most often accompanied by other forms of stress and trauma-generally within a family.

We must be careful about generalizations about child sexual abuse: research shows that about 1/3 of sexually abused children have no symptoms, and a large proportion that do become symptomatic, are able to recover. Fewer than 1/5 of adults who were abused in childhood show serious psychological disturbance

More disturbance is associated with more severe abuse: longer duration, forced penetration, helplessness, fear of injury or death, perpetration by a close relative or caregiver, coupled with lack of support or negative consequences from disclosure.

• Physical abuse often results in violence toward others, abuse of one’s own children, substance abuse, self-injurious behavior, suicide attempts, and a variety of emotional problems.
• Emotional/verbal abuse
• Witnessing. Seeing anyone beaten is stressful; the greater your attachment to the victim, the greater the stress. Especially painful is watching violence directed towards a caregiver, leaving the child to fear losing the primary source of security in the family.
• Sadistic abuse – we generally think about interpersonal violence as an eruption of passions, but the severest forms are those inflicted deliberately. Calculated cruelty can be far more terrifying than impulsive violence. Coercive control is used in settings like concentration camps, prostitution and pornography rings, and in some families.

One of the best-documented research findings in the field of trauma is the DOSE-RESPONSE relationship –the higher the dose of trauma, the more potentially damaging the effects; the greater the stressor, the more likely the development of PTSD.

The most challenging clients are those who have experienced repeated intentional violence, abuse, and neglect from childhood onward. These clients have experienced tremendous loss, the absence of control, violations of safety, and betrayal of trust. The resulting emotions are overwhelming: grief, terror, horror, rage, and anguish.

Their whole experience of identity and of the world is based upon expectations of harm and abuse. When betrayal and damage is done by a loved one who says that what he or she is doing is good and is for the child’s good, the seeds of lifelong mistrust and fear are planted. Thus, the survivor of repetitive childhood abuse and neglect expects to be harmed in any helping relationship and may interact with us as though we have already harmed him or her.

Why Do Traumatic Responses Occur In Some People And Not Others?

Not all traumatic events lead to lasting emotional and psychological damage. Certain people rebound quickly from the most devastating of experiences, while others may be devastated by experiences that may seem superficially less upsetting.

Anyone can become traumatized – even those who work with trauma victims can develop symptoms of vicarious or secondary traumatization. Symptoms, no matter the precipitating event, should always be taken seriously and steps should be taken to heal from the trauma. Like other physical illnesses, the amount of time it takes to heal can vary wildly from one person to the next.

There’s no clear-cut answer to why some traumatic events elicit emotional trauma for some, but there are likely contributing factors. A number of risk factors make people more susceptible to emotional psychological trauma. These are some of the contributing factors to developing lasting emotional and psychological damage:

• Heavy stress
• Prior losses, especially in childhood
• Those who have recently experienced a number of losses
• Poor coping skills
• Substance abuse
• Extreme conditions
• Total devastation
• Abuse

Symptoms of Emotional and Psychological Trauma:

Following a traumatic event – or repeated trauma – people react in many different ways, experiencing a wide array of physical and emotional reactions. It’s important to remember that there’s not a “right” or “wrong” way to respond to trauma, so don’t judge your reactions against those of others. Your responses are normal reactions to abnormal events.

Symptoms and feelings following a trauma can last a few days to a few months and will gradually fade as the trauma is processed. Certain sights, sounds, images or situations may always remind you of the trauma.

After a traumatic event, a person may go through a number of emotions. Typical symptoms are broken down into categories.

Emotional and Psychological Symptoms of Trauma:

• Shock
• Anger
• Denial or disbelief
• Emotional Numbness
• Social Isolation
• Guilt
• Shame
• Sadness
• Difficulties in concentration and/or memory problems
• Anxiety, edginess, or hyper-vigilance

Physical Symptoms of Trauma:

• Racing heartbeat
• Numbness, withdrawing from people
• Insomnia or nightmares
• Muscle aches and pains
• Sexual difficulties
• Fatigue
• Muscle tension

Problems Associated with Trauma

In addition to the initial trauma, symptoms do not always go away easily. It is not uncommon for someone to have recurring issues after trauma. These recurring issues, if not managed well, can cause additional trauma.

• Re-experiencing of events through flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and floods of emotion; these symptoms are often quite disruptive to everyday life.
• Mood Disorders
• Anxiety Disorders
• Depressive Disorders
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Substance Abuse
• Eating Disorders
• Attachment Disorders
• Sleep Disorders

What Happens When Trauma Is Repeated and Sustained?

Repeated traumatic events can result in what is known as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (it may also be called Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified or DES-NOS).  Due to the difficulty in finding control groups to study those who have suffered multiple traumas and because most of those who suffer from Complex PTSD also qualify for diagnosis of PTSD, it has not been added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM).  Information can be difficult to come by for this issue but even so, it is recognized by many medical professionals/therapists as a disorder linked to repeated or long-term incidences of trauma.

Complex PTSD differs from the typical PTSD because repeated traumas can cause the individual to question their own self-concept and can alter adaptive abilities.  According to the National Center for PTSD, symptoms may include:

• Alterations in emotional regulation; may include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
• Alterations in consciousness; includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one’s mental processes or body.
• Changes in self-perception; may include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
• Alterations in how the perpetrator is perceived. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
• Alterations in relations with others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
• Changes in one’s system of meanings; may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Treatment for Trauma Disorders

Medications are prescribed to manage symptoms, often while undergoing cognitive-behavioral therapy, in treatment of trauma.  Additionally, some trauma survivors may choose to undergo hypnotherapy.  Two very successful and commonly used therapies are described below.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – EMDR treatment is growing in popularity.  It has been shown to be highly effective in a short period of time and is typically less intrusive and disruptive than more traditional therapies (i.e. exposure therapy).  EMDR involves trauma processing with the help of a therapist who uses a machine that emits a combination of vibrations and beeping noises to stimulate parts of the brain that have been affected by trauma.

Exposure Therapy – Exposure therapy is a more widely-used treatment for trauma that focuses on desensitizing the individual to traumatic events through repeated exposure to feared objects or retelling of traumatic incidences.  This process is guided by a trained psychotherapist in a safe, controlled environment.

How Do I Help Myself Heal From Trauma?

Healing from traumatic events is not something that will happen overnight. It takes months, even years, to work through all of the feelings associated with trauma. In addition to a therapy plan, these are some things you can do to help yourself heal from a trauma.

Give yourself time to adjust – it’s a difficult time in your life, so feel free to mourn your losses and be patient with yourself as you heal from your experiences.

Ask for help from people who love you and care about you – remember, though, that if those closest to you have experienced the same trauma, your support system may be weakened.

Talk about your experience – write for us, The Band. Keep a private journal. Talk to friends. Talk to a counselor. Just talk to others.

Participate in social activities, even if you don’t want to. You may find that doing things that “normal people” who have not experienced the trauma do may inspire you.

Join a local support group for trauma survivors in your area – finding people who understand your feelings and feel like you do is invaluable. It can help you learn, grow, and heal from your trauma. If you cannot locate a local support group, see if you can find an online support group to join.

Healthy behaviors to manage stress are key – eat well. Drink lots of water. Get enough sleep. Meditate. Make sure to exercise.

Volunteer – while helping others, volunteering can be a great way to challenge the feelings of helplessness brought about by the trauma and remind you of your strengths.

Reestablish (or establish new) routines to restore some feelings of normalcy into your life.

Break larger jobs into smaller, more manageable tasks to take pleasure from accomplishing even the smallest of things.

Find and do activities that make you feel better while occupying your mind. That way, you’re not dedicating all your time, energy and attention to the traumatic experience.

Allow yourself your feelings. Acknowledge them. Accept them. They are normal and must be accepted to heal.

Avoid major life decisions – moving across the country, changing jobs, buying a new car – without taking a time-out first to make sure this is a wise choice.

Avoid self-medication with drugs, alcohol or food. These can worsen symptoms and exacerbate feelings of depression, isolation, and anxiety.

Reduce stress. Meditate. Do yoga. Spend time with friends. Enjoy a hobby. Anything that brings you joy.

How To Help Someone Else Deal With Emotional Trauma:

It’s really hard to know how to help someone else who has suffered a traumatic, distressing experience. Your support, however, can be critical in their recovery. Here are some tips:

Be patient and understanding. There’s no time-frame on recovery from trauma and healing cannot be rushed.

Don’t judge. Remember that everyone’s reaction to a trauma is different.

Offer practical support (housework help, getting groceries) to help your loved one get back into a normal routine. While dealing with a trauma, normal routines often go by the wayside.

Don’t pressure your loved one into talking about it, but be there if they do want to talk. Some people who have been through traumatic experiences don’t want to talk about it, while others may want to rehash the event over and over. They are both normal reactions.

Help your loved one to socialize and relax. Encourage physical exercise, activities that allow them to de-stress, and hobbies they enjoy. Make time each week to spend time with your friend.

Don’t take it personally – some of the trauma symptoms can be hard for others to handle. When your loved one becomes angry, irritable, grouchy, distant or withdrawn, remember that this is a normal reaction to the trauma and not indicative of your relationship.

Additional Resources For Trauma:

David Baldwin’s Trauma Information Pages offers support for various traumas – psychological trauma, violent crime victims, veteran/combat trauma and many others.

The Survivor Manual provides a large collection of resources for those who have suffered from sexual trauma.

Page last audited 8/2018

Stress Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 29, 2018

What is Stress?

Stress is something that we are all familiar with to a certain degree. It is your natural reaction to any kind of stimuli, both good and bad. It can be good when it motivates us to get things done or confront a fear but there is also bad stress. Bad stress is the kind brought on by getting stuck in traffic, bad news from a friend or family member, money woes, or something job-related. It can last a little while or for a long time.

Technically speaking, stress is difficult to define because it is a subjective assessment of our physical, emotional, and psychological selves. Something that makes you feel overwhelmed may not bother a friend at all.

On a biological level, stress can play an important role in the “fight or flight” response that is garnered when we are in a situation of potential danger.

Physiological changes include increased heart rate, dilated pupils, and increased adrenaline, to name a few. These changes allow your body to react most efficiently in a situation that we either need to react to physically (fight response) or to escape from (flight response).

Prolonged periods of stress eventually cause your body to begin shutting down because of the intense toll it can take on your body. There is a balance to how much stress is easily managed but is not so stressful that it disrupts our lives.

If 100 people were asked about stress, what their stressors are, and how they feel stress, you would likely get 100 different answers. Stress is a very subjective feeling, meaning that it can be difficult to measure. We all feel stress differently, at different levels, and about different instigators. However, there is some overlap in the types of responses to stress.

According to the American Institute of Stress, the current definition is “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” Essentially, stress is a response to a certain type (or types) of stimuli.

Is All Stress Bad?

Stress is caused by both good and bad things in our lives and it is important to remember that just because it is good stress does not mean we will not have an adverse reaction to it. Stress can be exhibited in a number of physiological ways: pain, sweating, headache, high blood pressure, lowered immune system, nervousness, and upset stomach.

Similarly, stress may be expressed emotionally in some of the following ways: anger, anxiety, depression, irritability, restlessness, sadness, fatigue, or insomnia.

When stress takes a physiological toll on your body, your body attempts to compensate. Often our behaviors change to reflect these attempts to compensate; we may alter our diet, sleep pattern, activity, or drug or substance use.

However, there are a number of ways to manage and treat stress.

Stress is not always a bad thing. Stress is simply the body’s response to changes that create taxing demands. There’s a difference between positive and negative stress. Positive stress has the following effects:

• Motivates you
• Well within our coping abilities
• Feels exciting
• Improves performance

Examples of positive personal stressors include:

• Receiving a promotion or raise at work
• Starting a new job
• Marriage
• Buying a home
• Having a child
• Moving
• Taking a vacation
• Holiday seasons
• Retiring
• Taking educational classes or learning a new hobby

In contrast, distress, or negative stress, has the following characteristics:

• Causes anxiety or concern
• Can be short- or long-term
• Is outside of our coping abilities
• Feels unpleasant
• Decreases performance
• Can lead to mental and physical problems

It’s hard to distinguish stressors into those that cause positive stress and those that cause distress, as everyone reacts to situations differently. The following is a generalized list of negative personal stressors, including:

• The death of a spouse
• Filing for divorce
• Losing contact with loved ones
• The death of a family member
• Hospitalization (oneself or a family member)
• Injury or illness (oneself or a family member)
• Being abused or neglected
• Separation from a spouse or committed relationship partner
• Conflict in interpersonal relationships
• Bankruptcy/Money Problems
• Unemployment
• Sleep problems
• Children’s problems at school
• Legal problems

Work and employment concerns such as those listed below are also frequent causes of distress:

• Excessive job demands
• Job insecurity
• Conflicts with teammates and supervisors
• Inadequate authority necessary to carry out tasks
• Lack of training necessary to do the job
• Making presentations in front of colleagues or clients
• Unproductive and time-consuming meetings
• Commuting and travel schedules

Stressors aren’t always created from outside forces. In fact, internal feelings, thoughts, and habitual behaviors can lead to negative stress as well.

Common internally-based sources of distress can involve:

• Fears: (e.g., fears of flying, heights, public speaking, chatting with strangers at a party)
• Repetitive Thought Patterns
• Worrying about future events (e.g., waiting for medical test results or job restructuring)
• Unrealistic, perfectionist expectations

Habitual behavior patterns that can lead to stress include:

• Over-scheduling
• Lack of assertiveness
• Procrastination
• Failing to plan ahead

When Are You Most Vulnerable to Stress?

People are most susceptible to stress when they are:

• Not getting enough sleep
• Don’t have a support network
• Undergoing a major life change such as moving, the death of a loved one, starting a new job, having a child or getting married
• Experiencing poor physical health
• Not eating well

Everyone has his own threshold. Certain things that may upset you out might not even make one of your friends raise an eyebrow. Some people are affected when they experience large crowds and noisy environments, while others react to silence and free time.

What Are The Different Types of Stress?

Managing stress can be complex as there are different types of stress: acute, chronic, and episodic stress. Each type of stress has its own causes, symptoms, duration, and treatment. The different types of stresses are as follows:

Acute Stress: Acute stress is the most common type of stress as it is related to pressures and the demands of the past, as well as the anticipated pressures that will occur in the future. For some, acute stress feels exhilarating, but the longer the duration, the more exhausting stress becomes. Overdoing acute, short-term stress can cause many of the unpleasant symptoms associated with stress. Luckily, most people recognize it when they are facing acute stress: it’s a major list of the things that have been troubling in their life.

Fortunately, acute stress is short-term, meaning that it doesn’t have the chance to do the damage that long-term stress creates. The most common symptoms of short-term stress can include:

Acute stress can crop up in anyone’s life, and it is highly treatable and manageable.

• emotional distress
• tension headache
• back and jaw pain
• heartburn
• indigestion
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• elevated blood pressure
• shortness of breath
• heart palpitations or rapid heartbeat
• dizziness
• migraines

Episodic Acute Stress: Unfortunately, there are people who do suffer acute stress more than others and whose lives are in total chaos and crisis mode. Many people who suffer episodic acute stress deal with lives that are a study in Murphy’s Law (if something can go wrong, it does). These people may take on too much, can’t quite organize themselves, are often late, and have many self-inflicted pressures and demands. These individuals tend to always be in the cross-hairs of acute stress. People who have episodic acute stress may come across as grumpy, irritable, tense, and anxious and may even call themselves “a bundle of nervous energy.”

There are those, however, who suffer acute stress frequently, whose lives are so disordered that they are studies in chaos and crisis. They’re always in a rush, but always late. If something can go wrong, it does. They take on too much, have too many irons in the fire, and can’t organize the slew of self-inflicted demands and pressures clamoring for their attention. They seem perpetually in the clutches of acute stress. Work, especially, can cause a lot of stress for these people.

Many people who suffer episodic acute stress also consider themselves to have a Type A personality, marked by an extremely competitive focus, aggressiveness, impatience, and a sense of urgency, hostility, and insecurity. These personality identifiers cause frequent episodes of acute stress. (Type A individuals are also at a greater risk to develop coronary heart disease than Type B individuals, who have a much more laid back attitude).

Other people may find they have episodes of free-form anxiety and endlessly worry about events outside of their control. This too can cause episodic acute stress. These people often see disaster around every corner, pessimistically deal with every situation, always expecting catastrophe. These people may feel that the world is an unsafe, dangerous, and punishing place, and they tend to feel more depressed and anxious than Type A personalities.

The symptoms of episodic acute stress are the symptoms of extended overarousal:

• persistent tension headaches
• migraines
• hypertension
• chest pain
• heart disease

Often, lifestyle and personality issues are so ingrained and habitual with these individuals that they see nothing wrong with the way they conduct their lives. They blame their woes on other people and external events. Frequently, they see their lifestyle, their patterns of interacting with others, and their ways of perceiving the world as part and parcel of who and what they are.

Sometimes both lifestyle and personality issues are so firmly habitual that people who live in a state of episodic acute stress see their lifestyle as normal; often blaming their problems on external events and other people. Many times, these people see their life, the way they interact with other people and their environment as a part of who they are at their core. These beliefs often mean that the sufferers of episodic acute stress resist change at all cost. They may only seek help with the promise of release from pain and discomfort of their symptoms.

Chronic Stress: is the most difficult of all types of stress. Where acute stress can feel glamorous and exciting, chronic stress is the opposite. Chronic stress grinds people down day after day, year after year until treatment or death occurs. Chronic stress is terrible on the body – it destroys our bodies, minds, and even life. Chronic stress can occur from a number of difficult situations: poverty, mentally ill or dysfunctional families, or being trapped in an abusive relationship.

People facing chronic stress never see a way out of their awful situation. The unrelenting demands and pressures of daily life wear these people down, and without any hope of a reprieve, these people often give up looking for solutions. This may be caused by:

• Chronic stress may be caused by traumatic, early childhood experiments that people have internalized (thus remaining present and painful)
• Some experiences that majorly affect personality
• Seeing or believing something that causes unending stress (you must be perfect, the world is a bad place).

Recovery from these types of chronic stressors includes introspection and self-examination.

Unfortunately, chronic stress is often just swept away as a “part of life,” and people forget it’s there. Chronic stress is terrible on the body and mind and can lead to death by:

• Suicide
• Violence
• Heart attack
• Stroke

People experiencing long-term chronic stress finally wear themselves down to a final and fatal breakdown as their physical and mental resources are depleted over time. Treating the symptoms of chronic stress is challenging and may require medical treatment, stress management, and behavioral treatments.

How to Manage Stress:

• Exercise is known to help relieve stress. It is the most effective way of reducing cortisol, which is a chemical released into your body that is directly tied to stress. Being active also helps reset your body’s responses and disengage the “fight or flight” response.
• Understand your stress As everyone experiences stress differently, learn about your stress. How do you know when you are stressed? How are your thoughts or behaviors different from times when you do not feel stressed?
• Identify your sources of stress What events or situations trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children, family, health, financial decisions, work, relationships, or something else?
• Learn your own stress signals. People experience stress in different ways. You may have a hard time concentrating or making decisions, feel angry, irritable or out of control, or experience headaches, muscle tension or a lack of energy. Gauge your stress signals.
• Recognize how you deal with stress. Determine if you are using unhealthy behaviors (such as smoking, drinking alcohol and over/under eating) to cope. Is this a routine behavior, or is it specific to certain events or situations? Do you make unhealthy choices as a result of feeling rushed and overwhelmed?
• Find healthy ways to manage stress. Consider healthy, stress-reducing activities such as meditation, exercising or talking things out with friends or family. Keep in mind that unhealthy behaviors develop over time and can be difficult to change. Don’t take on too much at once. Focus on changing only one behavior at a time.
• Creating lists or organizing are ways of managing your “headspace.” Lists help you create concrete, tangible goals in terms of managing and reducing your stressors.
• Decreased drug, alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine use are often beneficial when managing stress. These substances change your body chemistry and often depress the release of important chemicals and hormones.
• Finding ways to relax is the key to managing stress. Whether it is walking your dog, reading a book, meditation, or a vacation, taking breaks allows you to regain a measure of control over your immediate situation.
• Similarly, taking deep breaths helps slow down the heart rate and lower blood pressure, as we often breath more quickly and shallowly when agitated.
• Maintain a strong network of support. Sometimes you may feel the need to ask a friend or family member to help you deal with your stress. Whether you need someone to talk to or a friend to help you through a stressful situation, a good support network can help.
• If you are in a stressful situation that is difficult to manage or your stress progresses into chronic issues such as anxiety or depression, it may be worth seeking the assistance of a medical professional.
• A primary care physician should be able to provide treatment options – this may include stress management and coping tips and/or medication to correct symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure.
• Talk therapy can be useful for discussing specific stressors or issues that have resulted in stress or symptoms of stress.

Additional Resources for Stress:

American Institute of Stress: a great resource to learn more about stress and its effects.

Last audited 7/2019

Rape/Sexual Assault Resources

by Band Back Together | Jul 19, 2018

IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER CALL 911

If you have been sexually assaulted/raped and are in need of immediate assistance, call 1-800-656-HOPE.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

What is Rape?

Rape/Sexual Assault is illegal sexual contact (usually involving force) done upon a person without consent.

Rape is also defined as sexual contact inflicted upon a person who is incapable of giving consent, due to either diminished physical or mental capacity.

The third definition of sexual assault is when the assailant is in a position of authority (such as a doctor or teacher) and uses that authority to force someone into sexual acts.

Rape/Sexual Assault are crimes of motive and opportunity and NOT the victim’s fault.

People who are raped suffer greatly. They feel victimized, isolated, “dirty” and guilty. It is in no way their fault what has happened to them. Assailants render their victims powerless. After such an attack, victims need to feel empowered to stand up for themselves, report the offense, and to seek help and safety so they can recover from their experience.

It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up, break the silence and report a sexual assault.

Please, know that you are not alone.

Help! I Was Just Raped!

Get yourself to a safe place. Immediate safety is what matters most of all.

Preserve all evidence of the attack. Do not bathe, wash your hands, brush your teeth, eat or smoke. If you’re still at the place the rape occurred, do not clean or straighten anything up. Write down all the details you can remember about the attack.

Whether or not you alert the authorities, for your own health, you must receive medical care.

While receiving medical care, you will be asked if specially trained nurses can perform a forensic examination. This exam is to collect any DNA or other evidence that can link your attacker to the crime. You do have the right to refuse this exam.

Know that what happened is NOT your fault.

Report the rape to the authorities.

Remember that recovering from rape takes a lot of time and patience.

Rape Statistics:

The numbers are staggering. According to RAINN

• 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime

• Every 2 minutes, someone is sexually assaulted/raped in the United States

Taking Care of Yourself After a Rape:

Taking care of yourself after a sexual assault may be a really hard thing to do. You may not want to get out of bed, let alone take a shower, but it’s important that you take care of yourself, physically AND emotionally.

Make sure to get enough sleep, exercise, food, and medical care.

Get counseling if you feel it would help. Call 800-656-HOPE to find a center near you.

Write it out. Keep a journal or write about the assault here on Band Back Together. We’d be honored to have you with The Band.

Try meditation exercises to de-stress.

Make sure everyone in your life is supportive and loving. Keep nurturing relationships that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t isolate yourself – spend time with friends and family who love you.

Avoid friends or family who only call you when they need something. You don’t have to cut them off completely or anything like that, but these aren’t the relationships you need to foster at this time.

Make some time for fun. Whatever it is that you like to do (run, paint, write, hang with friends) make some time to enjoy your life again.

Types of Sexual Violence:

There are many different types of sexual assaults, according to RAINN.

Acquaintance Rape – coercive sexual activities that occur against a person’s will by means of force, violence, duress, or fear of bodily injury, perpetrated by someone with whom the victim is acquainted.

Child Sexual Abuse – may involve a family member (incest) or a non-family member and may involve sexually suggestive language, oral sex, prolonged kissing, vaginal or anal intercourse, prolonged groping, forcing a minor to watch pornography, sexual aggression.

Dating or Domestic Violence – is a pattern of behavior in any relationship used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Drug Facilitated Sexual Violence – sexual violence in which drugs or alcohol are used to compromise an individual’s ability to consent to sexual activity.

Incest – sexual contact between two people who are so closely related that marriage is illegal.

Male Sexual Assault – despite what society believes, men can be and are sexually assaulted and raped.

Military Sexual Trauma (MST) – a broad term used by the Veterans Administration (VA) to categorize ANY sexual misconduct, rape, sexual advance or sexual harassment within the military. Victims of MST are no different from victims of any other sexual assault. The same feelings of shame, guilt and anger are common in any trauma victim. The VA has specific resources for victims of MST, whether retired or current active duty military.

Multiple-Perpetrator Sexual Assault – Multiple-perpetrator sexual assault, sometimes called gang rape, occurs when two or more perpetrators act together to sexually assault the same victim.

Partner Rape – rape or sexual assault that occurs between two people who currently have – or have had – a consensual sexual relationship.

Prisoner Rape – If you’re an inmate, a former inmate, or know an inmate who survived sexual assault while in prison, there are resources available to you

Sexual Assault/Rape – anyone can be a rape victim – men, women, children, those who are straight or gay.

Sexual Assault As A Hate Crime – victimization of an individual based upon race, religion, national origin, ethnic identification, gender or sexual orientation.

Sexual Exploitation by Helping Professionals – sexual contact between any helping profession – doctors, lawyers, therapists, police officers, nurses, teachers, or priests.

Sexual Harassment – requests for sexual favors, unwelcome sexual advances or offensive remarks about a person’s gender or sex. This also includes creating a hostile work environment, such as through posting sexual pictures, leering, or physical contact.

Sexual Abuse by Medical Professionals – When you go to the doctor, dentist, hospital or physical therapist, or see other medical professionals, you trust them to treat you with respect as they care for your health.

Sexual Abuse of People with Disabilities – Consent is crucial when any person engages in sexual activity, but it plays an even bigger, and more complicated role when someone has a disability.

Stalking – a serious, frequently violent, life-threatening crime that can escalate over time

Aftereffects of Rape/Sexual Assault

There are many devastating aftereffects of rape that a rape victim has to deal with. These can range from mild to severe and are all normal reactions. Here are the most common reactions following a rape:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – many rape victims experience extreme feelings of stress, anxiety, and fear as a direct result of the attack.

Substance Abuse – many rape survivors turn to alcohol or other substances of abuse to try to relieve their emotional suffering.

Self-Injury – deliberate self-harm or self-injury may be used by rape victims as a way of coping with their emotional pain.

Depression – of all the emotional and psychological problems following an assault, depression is most common.

Sleep Disorders – many of those who have been attacked will experience sleep disturbances and problems.

Eating Disorders – those who have been sexually assaulted often use the control of food in an attempt to deal with negative emotions.

Suicide – some of those who have been sexually assaulted consider ending their own life as a response to the negative feelings about the assault.

Pregnancy – as a sexual assault may have involved bodily fluids, there is a possibility of pregnancy resulting from the attack.

Sexually Transmitted Infections – if the rape involved the exchange of bodily fluids, there is a chance for the transmission of sexually transmitted infections.

How To Protect Yourself From Being A Rape/Sexual Assault Victim:

Not all rapes can be prevented, but here are some tips for protecting yourself from becoming a sexual assault victim.

Protect Yourself Socially:

• Attend social gatherings and parties with a group of friends, check in with them throughout the night and leave with them.

• Keep an eye on your friends. Make sure they watch out for you.

• Don’t leave your drink unattended and don’t accept drinks from people you don’t know.

• Trust your instincts.

• Call 911 if you think a friend has been drugged.

Avoid Dangerous Situations:

• Know your surroundings and environment.

• Walk with purpose.

• Trust your instincts.

• Don’t load yourself down with heavy packages.

• Keep your cell phone on you.

• Avoid isolated areas.

• Take off your headphones.

How To Handle Being Pressured:

• Try to think of an escape route.

• Be true to yourself and don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

• Remember that it’s NOT your fault.

• Use excuses or lies to get away rather than stay and feel uncomfortable.

How Do I Keep My Child Safe?

• Discuss sexuality directly and openly.

• Teach your child the names of their body parts.

• Explain that some body parts are private.

• ALL children need to be taught that it’s NOT okay if someone’s touching them in an uncomfortable way.

• Be involved in your child’s activities, talk about current events with your child.

• Make sure your child knows they can talk to you if they have questions.

How Do I Support A Loved One Who Has Been Raped?

There are a number of ways to help a friend or loved one who has been the victim of sexual violence. It may be hard for you, the loved one, to handle your own emotions, so if you need help, do not hesitate to talk to a counselor yourself.

Here are some tips to support a loved one who has been sexually assaulted:

Listen to your loved one. Be there for them. Don’t be judgmental.

Be patient. It takes a long time to deal with and recover from a sexual assault.

Help empower your friend or loved one. Rape is a crime that takes away the power of the victim – it’s important not to put pressure on your loved one to do things he or she is not ready to do.

If your loved one is considering suicide, take extra care to love them and follow up with them.

Encourage your loved one to report the rape to law enforcement. If they do not wish to, respect their wishes.

Additional Rape Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN):  Provides information on how to get help for both victims and loved ones, links to local agencies and international resources, and on reporting sexual crimes to the police.

Joyful Heart Foundation: Created by Law and Order’s Mariska Hargitay for survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence, and child abuse. The organization’s mission is to educate, empower and shed light onto these terrible crimes and help the survivors heal.

End the Backlog: A charity organization seeking justice for survivors by working in partnership with government, non-profits, advocates, and survivors to bring attention, funding and new legislation to reduce the backlog of untested rape kits across the country.

National Sexual Violence Resource Center: the nation’s primary information and resource center regarding all aspects of sexual violence.

It Happened to Alexa Foundation: provide funds for families to travel and be with a rape victim for the duration of the trial.

Post last audited 7/2019