What is an addictive/dependent personality?

I don’t mean someone who really grows on you, I’m talking about someone who is easily influenced and can become readily addicted to or dependent on mind-altering substances. It can be drugs like cocaine, meth, and heroin. It can be prescription drugs like Oxycontin, Xanax, or a plethora of pain killers and muscle relaxers.  Maybe it’s alcohol that interferes with or has to be part of everyday life. Now take that person and throw in the occasional, and now more frequent, anxiety and panic attack.  What do you get?

You get the hell scared out of you!

Let me tell you first hand because dependency has been in my family for as far back as most of us can trace, and we are now finding out that the anxiety and panic issues have been in the family for quite awhile as well.

Have you ever been there?

I have and it scares me.

Have you ever felt your temperature begin to slowly rise for no apparent reason?

I have and it freaks me out.

Have you felt your breathing begin to get a bit shallower, each breath becoming more of a gasp than a serious breath?

I have and I just want it to go away.

Have you felt your throat dry and then begin to close, slowly sending you into panic mode?

I have and will hate it when it happens again.

Have you had to wonder what the hell this was all about when life really is not to bad?

I always wonder.  And really, what the hell is this all about?

The medication prescribed to combat such issues to me are often very addictive.

Now you have me.

I freak out for no apparent reason, then think about the little pill I am about to take.  If I continue to have to take them, it’s very likely I will be dependent on them.  Not taking them wreaks havoc.

I don’t mind the occasional sleepless night.  But when it happens, I pace around the house, then into the yard and then in the car with no where to go because it is 2 in the morning. Then I go back in the house. I don’t want to wake others up because I feel it’s wrong.  I don’t want the medication, but without it sleep, and a productive day, will be out of the question.

Shouldn’t I feel positive about the fact that there is a medication to help me through such time?  I don’t want to become dependent on the medication, but I really do want to sleep and enjoy my sanity.

One is just feeding off the other and it is just wrong.

Have you ever been there?

Are you there now?

Where do we go from here?