My husband and I separated for two months, and during those two months, I cheated and was unfaithful to my husband.
He found out.
We did end up getting back together, but I didn’t admit to having an affair to him.
Now, every time I want to go out – especially if it’s someone he doesn’t know – he doesn’t allow me to. I have no social life.
And every fight we now have now, he brings up my infidelity, and when he does, he calls me terrible, hurtful names. These insults hurt me so deeply that I don’t feel I can handle it.
I feel so trapped in my marriage – he insults me, he doesn’t let me go out with friends – ever. It hurts.
I don’t know what to do. Do I stay or do I go?
When will this stop?
In my opinion, I think that your husband is having an extremely hard time trusting you after the affair (especially since you didn’t open up about it). My best advice would be to seek out a couple’s therapist. You both need to confront the affair and decide if you’re really willing to eke your way through your marriage.
I agree with Becky, you need to see a counselor. Together, separately, both. There’s a lot you guys need to discuss and work through. Loves.
I guess my first question would be, why the separation in the first place? My instincts are yelling “Leave!”, but only you know if the affair was to solidify the fact that a part of you did not want to return to the marriage.
If the insults and name calling happened before the affair, I would suggest that you leave. If they only started after he found out about the affair, then I would vote for some couples therapy. A marriage can’t survive if only one person wants to be in it.
I am tempted, as well, to say leave…and that’s my own experience kicking in.
However, I will add that I saw a couple go through this years ago, and they went through some *serious* therapy. They are ridiculous now. They have totally rebuilt their marriage.
I tried, but my ex was convinced that he was always right, and he didn’t need to fix anything.
I think you should review how willing you both are to actually do the hard work.
I’m sending you happy thoughts either way.
What do YOU want? You don’t mention why the initial separation, why the affair ended (or if that was independent of the return to your marriage) nor why you went back. I suggest that you spend some time journaling on the topic of what your marriage was like before the separation to see whether there is something to go back to as well as on the topic of what you want in a marriage generally. You don’t seem to know what you want.
Therapy (both individual and couples) can be helpful, but it requires an investment of time money and effort that you may or may not have available (or that he may not be willing to put forth).
The behavior you describe in him right now, however, IS abusive. He is hurt, obviously, but there is no excuse for name-calling and making you his virtual prisoner. he has a decision to make, just as you do. And spending time on whose fault it is will only keep both of you trapped in the past and incapable of moving forward (individually or together).
Take some time for yourself. Figure out what you want for the future. Then you can offer him choices about what you are willing to do and what you want from him.
Hang in there. Hugs from a girl who has been there…
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know you, but I know this sounds like a really difficult spot to be in.
It’s hard to give this advice without a lot more information, but based on what you’ve written, my personal opinion is it sounds like it might be better for both of you if the rekationship ended. To me, if a relationship is damaged to the point that toxic behavior is regularly occuring, going to counseling may just prolong the suffering. Like putting bandaids on a limb that needs to be amputated.
Consistent insults/name calling, being unable to communicate honestly about the affair.. these aren’t minor things, and it sounds very hard on both of you.
But I 100% agree with the commenter above that you are the only one who can really know for sure where things are at. I only offered this perspective because honestly this is the advice I wish I would’ve taken when my own marriage was broken.
If deep down you believe the relationship has a real chance (and that you truly *want* it to continue), I would say step one is being honest about the affair. You in no way deserve to be insulted by him because of it, that’s totally unacceptable, but major lies/broken trust is relationship killer #1. Owning up to what you did will be essential if you want to rebuild trust.
Again, sorry that you’re going through this. Best of luck, I hope it works out for the best.
Yeah, you may have done something crappy (but you were separated so uh, I’m inclined to give some leeway here), but his behavior right now? Abusive, period, full stop. He can be angry, but he’s a grown ass adult and does not get to take his anger out like a 2 year old and be nasty and hurtful. If you really want to save the relationship, definitely get some counseling. If not, his behavior is not likely to get better and you do not deserve to be treated like garbage for a “mistake” you might have made while you were separated.
I, too, think it sounds like you and your husband could benefit from therapy, individually and as a couple. The initial separation and, frankly, your need to find intimacy outside of your marriage tell you that something was terribly wrong in your marriage. I hope you’ll seek counseling.
What you did was wrong, absolutely. That said, y’all have made the choice to work it out, which means moving past it. The way he’s treating you is abusive, honestly. He doesn’t have a right to spend the rest of your marriage holding this over your head and beating you up verbally. It’s just not okay. I’d recommend maybe therapy as a couple and individually, as well as setting clear boundaries on the treatment that’s okay. If that’s not successful, I’d recommend leaving the marriage. Nobody deserves to be controlled and verbally abused over a mistake.