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The Post Where I Talk About Nut Cancer

I’m on an airplane, heading home from my recent vacation with my wife and most of her side of the family and writing this entry on the notepad on my iPhone. That is the dedication I have for BAND BACK TOGETHER!

How did this entry come to happen? Well, I blame Aunt Becky. Why didn’t I have a link for Aunt Becky?!  Umm, if you are reading this chances are that you know her.  If not, well…I got nothing. I follow that crazy (crazy AWESOME) lady on Twitter and love reading her blogs. Mostly cause she says fuck a lot and you don’t hear women talk that way. Come to think of it, she might be a dude. Eh, I would still follow her…or him.

She tweeted how she wanted to make a shirt that said “CANCER IS BULLSHIT” and I told her I would help with the design. This led to a stream of DM’s of why I wanted to help and what it meant to me. So I thought, what else is there to do on an airplane ride? Well, besides watching “Breaking Bad” that is. Here it goes. This entry is going to be a bit different from how I normally write so please don’t judge! This is serious, we’re talking about my nuts here!

I was a month away from turning 31 and 2 weeks away from my first anniversary with my wife. It was Halloween and we were at a party at our friend Nick and Lauren’s house. I had probably 4 beers and we were home in bed by midnight. Everything was fine. That was Halloween.

November 1st was a different story.

I woke feeling like crap. Well, I actually felt like I had to take a big crap. Gross, but that’s the closest thing I can equate it too. As the day went on, I started to feel worse. I decided to take a shower because for some reason that always helps me feel better. I like to sit down in the shower, that’s just how I roll. Well, when I did that I felt a sharp pain…in my nuts. Actually it was just my left nut if we want to get technical about this.  I decided to give myself a self-examination. Right nut, smooth and pliable just the way it should be. It seemed to be normal size, from what I remembered.  Okay, left nut…fuck. The thing was 4 times the size of the other and hurt like hell to even squeeze ever so slightly. I called my wife to look at them. She saw them and how there was a noticeable size difference and we were off to the hospital.

After waiting for 2 hours in terrible pain due to all the assholes that ran to the ER, convinced they had H1N1, I finally got see the doctor. He poked, prodded and jostled my testes. Then, he ordered an ultrasound.

You know what’s awkward? Having your nuts scanned by a female nurse while your wife is in the room. Yup, not cool. When I returned to my room in the ER, I was met by my doctor who had already scheduled me an 8 AM appointment with another doctor who would be talking about the surgery and my cancer.


Yeah, it was laid that smoothly on me. My wife and I walked to the car (it was 10 o’clock by now) and I made a phone call to my mom. I told her I was okay, but that I there was something that I needed to talk to her about but I needed to go home and sleep and that I would talk to her when I knew more. She cried a bit, but respected my space.

Next day, we met with my Urologist. He had red hair and was kinda weird. That’s all that I can tell you about him. He is just kinda weird. Whatever, he showed me my scans and told me my options. I knew surgery was necessary so we were all for that.

They would be removing my left nut the next morning at 8AM. My tumor was directly in the middle which was good because the doctor feels like that stopped any spreading of any kind. He was very sure of this.

However, I was still going to go through Chemo or Radiation therapy.

I had my nut removed and then had two weeks off. It was nice to have the time off but at the recovery sucked. They had to give me a hernia, take the nut out and then seal me back up. I couldn’t lift, sit up or get out of bed for about two weeks without being in pain or uncomfortable.

I was lucky that I didn’t have to go through massive sessions of chemotherapy. I chose chemo because one doctor said for the type of cancer I had and where it was that it was the best treatment and he stood by that. Also, I chose it because I thought the radiation oncologist was kind of a douche.

Chemo wasn’t so bad. Yeah, I did have to sit in a chair and people gave me the look of death when I walked in for treatment. Old people seem to think that no one young should have cancer and when they saw me they thought the worst, so they would give me this look. I hated that part of being in the clinic.

I finished my treatments and now I do blood tests every three months and scans and blood every 6 months for 3 years.

What I hate most about the scans is that every time I have one done, for about a week I am on pins and needles waiting to hear the news. That time is the worst.

It happened during this economic struggle that everyone is going through. We were hit hard and our savings was completely destroyed. We are a young couple that is trying to save for a house and get started, but life decided that we would have to grow up really quickly. You can always earn more money, right?

We want to have kids and now it seems my number of fellas down there has been cut in half. We were taken from being this happy couple that is young and didn’t have a care in the world, to a couple that is now having to think about freezing sperm just in case! My wife was my rock during this whole thing. She was there by my side and never left it. I even had a medal made for her that says “Best Wife Ever” so that title is now officially taken and no one else can have it. My wife has that shit LOCKED DOWN!

Cancer is BULLSHIT! I definitely agree with that.

However, I have learned a few things since it happened. I now know that I am not invincible and that things can happen. I knew that when I broke an arm or something but that’s different. When you are told you have something life-threatening, it really makes you stop and look at life. I may be a “single jingle” (I want a shirt that says that) down there now but I am still alive and that’s what matters.

There are times that I lose it and cry. Shit, it happens to us all. I could be fine one day and think about it and how if I hadn’t caught it I could have died and how I would leave my wife all alone and it makes me sad. But, I am still here. I am alive and kicking and not going to let my cancer run my life.