Select Page

Thinking of Mom

by | Sep 23, 2010 | Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss, Parent Loss | 3 comments

I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot lately.  She passed away 7 and a half years ago – tomorrow would have been her birthday.

When I’d write, she was always my editor, sounding board and supporter.  It makes me sad that she’s not around to bounce ideas off of.  But then again, it’s oddly freeing because she was my audience and she and I didn’t agree on a few things.  Now I don’t have to write what I think she would like, but what I want to writing.  And it’s also a bad idea to have a relative critique what you’ve written because feelings get thrown in. And then holy crap what do you do with that?!  Are they rejecting your writing or are they rejecting you?  What the heck did they really mean when they said that sentence had weird wording?

And I’ve been struck again by how much she is missing.  I just found out that preliminary tests show that I’m going to be an aunt again.  This will be niece or nephew number 9 (although, I’m leaning toward niece and I have mad baby predicting skills).  Mom was around for the first 4.  Four have been added since she passed and the baby to be named later will be number 5.  Not to mention I got hitched and skipped the whole mom thing and went straight to grandma.  (I highly recommend it.  Grandkids and nieces and nephews are the best inventions ever.) I’ve got 4 precious little ones of my own that Grandma Jessie would have loved.

But she made her choices, and maybe she’s watching wherever she is.

A Letter I Can’t Send: Dear Mama and Daddy

by | Sep 21, 2010 | A Letter I Can't Send, Cancer and Neoplasia, Coping With Cancer, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss, Parent Loss | 3 comments

Dear Mama & Daddy,

Well, here it is…September again. It seems like it should get easier. And some years it even does. But, for some reason, this year is hard. Mama, September 3 is now and forever will be the day you went away. And Daddy, September 21 will always be the day you left.

I miss you both so much. Daddy, you never got to meet Tabitha, but you would have been crazy about her. You would have called her “Sport Model”. You would have goosed her in the ribs with your finger stub just like you did me, and she would have hated it and loved it at the same time just like I did. I wish you could have known her. And I hope that you can see her from where you are.

Mama…oh God, where do I start? I hate, hate, hate the cancer that took you away. I’m glad you’re not hurting anymore, but my God. You always said that you wouldn’t want Grandma to come back because it would mean she would have to suffer again. I can’t say that. I’d take you back in a heartbeat and give you medicine to help you not suffer. I’m so sorry that I didn’t wake up that morning when you called me. That morning when your pelvis was broken and you tried to get up to use the bathroom. The doctor said that you falling back on the bed didn’t break your pelvis. That your pelvis was broken before you ever tried to get up because the cancer was in your bones. But still. If I could have a do-over, I sure would take it.

And Daddy, don’t think that all my guilt is reserved for Mama. I haven’t forgotten that time I ran off for a week and worried you so much and left you alone. You remember that song by Travis Tritt? Tell Me You Didn’t Say Goodbye? Well, I still can’t hear that song without losing it. Even after all this time.

Mama…Daddy…I’m sorry. I wasn’t the daughter I should have been. And I didn’t realize it until it was too late. I hope there really is a Heaven. And I hope that the two of you are together there. And I hope that you both can see all the way into my heart and know that even though I failed you both miserably, I always loved you and thought you were the very best parents anyone ever had. And I hope to see you both again someday.

Charles Franklin Brunson

March 1941 ~ September 1995

Virginia Faye Brunson

January 1943 ~ September 2008

So…

by | Sep 14, 2010 | Coping With Losing A Partner, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss, Parent Loss, Partner/Spouse Loss | 4 comments

part 2

14
SEP
maybe.

so.

he’s dead.

dead..wtf? my life my future, my love? what the hell just happened?

i sit there, in the ER. all i can think about is my son, at home. not knowing. HE DIDN’T KNOW..his dad is DEAD!!!

friends have started to arrive at the ER, (friends….i got friends)…i don’t know how they knew (susan? yes)…and i have to comfort them, but my son is at home. TAKE ME HOME!!

so, of the friends who have arrived, i take sheri and david. david drives me home, sheri following in my car.

as we drive up..i see the kid in the driveway. HOW???HOW????

i get out of the car, and he starts to scream. i will NEVER forget that howl. later, i will learn that the same howl emanated from me in the ER..i don’t remember it. but the kid’s…i’ll never forget that sound as long as i live. the sound of a heart breaking, both of our hearts, broken.

prior to leaving the ER i had told them i was going to go get my son and could they please clean everything up so i could have him see his dad. they did great…when we got there…well, tom looked as good as a new corpse could. we cried, and held him, and talked to him and cried and cried and cried….

and there were more people there by that time. because, because my husband and i are so lucky to have the friends we do, did. when we were on the way to the hospital, my friend susan, who i called, called her husband, and the word started to spread.

and some came to the hospital, but most people went to another friends house. and when the word came that tom was dead, well…all those gathered headed for my house. and the word kept going out. and by the time my son and i got back home there were 40 people in the house . and an hour later 80. and food, like the loaves and fishes…..

i can’t write anymore tonight.

maybe a little more. this is MY story, our story, but grief.. god, grief is binding. and there is so much neo-natal and child grief on this board that i cannot read it because it KILLS me. but i know it, just differently.and i pray that someone else will come on with a story like mine because i need to be identified with. if you’re reading this and not posting…please do.

PLEASE.