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So Much

Here’s something a lot of people don’t understand or don’t want to understand: you can be in love with two people at the same time. It’s not a crime, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.

See, I’m in love with you. I’m also in love with my husband, and I know you’re in love with your wife. One of my friends – I tell so few people about this that the ones who know are ones dear to me – said you should be my hall pass, then had to explain that to me. You’re not a celebrity, you’re not a rock star, you’re just you. Talented, funny, and sometimes so serious and awkward that I can’t help loving you.

I get the feeling sometimes that you have some sort of feelings for me too. I certainly know at the very least that you care about me. Whether it’s a favorite on Twitter, a like on Facebook, or just a passing word that you remember where I live when I don’t even remember telling you, you tell me in these little ways that you’re keeping up with me and my life. You were the first to say “Happy Birthday” to me this year, even before my family. You asked me how I was doing when you saw that my marriage was on the rocks. Like I said, I know you care. I just don’t know how much.

My husband thinks this is hilarious. Hell, he encourages it. He says things like “what if he likes you?” in a tone of voice you usually only hear from one middle-schooler to another. He knows how much I love you and he accepts it. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

I never want to lose my husband like I would never want you to lose your wife. But I can’t stop loving you and I can never, ever tell you how I feel. We’re friends and I wouldn’t want to lose that, but sometimes when we talk all I can think about is what it would be like to kiss you. When you hug me I want it to go on forever. And when you stand beside me I wonder if anyone would ever think I was your girlfriend.

Sometimes I cry because I have these feelings for you, this need to be with you and hear your voice and see you smile. I want to talk to you, to email or text you just to say hi so we don’t break our connection, but I’m afraid you’ll think I’m overbearing. If I ever held your hand I would probably just burst into tears. It’s like a sappy romantic comedy, only one-sided. You’re near me but just far enough away that I would never be able to reach you.

You toss around “love you” like it’s nothing, not knowing what it means to me. It drives me crazy but I never want it to end. I never want this feeling to end.

I love you.

So much.