We all experience loneliness sometimes in our lives.This is loneliness to the extreme.
Please read her story:
I’m depressed. No. I’m not depressed. I’m extremely depressed.
I lost my job in October. My job, you know, the one that I hated but worked my ass off for. The job where I worked 50+ hours, made me miss time with my kids, and was so stressful that I often cried myself to sleep. The job that I had to cling to when my husband decided that he wanted to sleep on his cousin’s couch and smoke pot all day and night. And when he wanted to come back, the job that paid for his plane ticket.
We lost our house… My gorgeous 2,100 square foot house that I spent hours painting and sanding and cleaning. Gone. Now we are living in an extended stay motel, which is a fancy term for crack house.
My kids are back with my mom because it’s all I can do to scrape together enough money to feed them right now, and my company is fighting me for unemployment. South Carolina is an at-will state after all. At least I know that they are fed and warm, and safe.
My husband does nothing but bitch about me not having a job.
‘Scuse me?! Aren’t I the same woman who worked two jobs for over a year, while trying to finish my degree and raise three kids, because every job you found “sucked” and you usually quit around the time you got your first check? Aren’t I the same woman who supported you, through EVERY shithead thing you decided to do to me? Didn’t I take you back; PAY for you to come back when you left me for her. Twice?
He doesn’t look at me or touch me or tell me he loves me. He comes “home” and plays on Facebook before passing out. And so I sit, in this single room, every day and every night.
I lost most of my friends when I took him back this last time. They were tired of watching me go through this. So alone I stay.
And every night, while I sit here awake I think about how much better it would be if it all just went away. I no longer look at myself and see the slightly chubby woman who is raising three amazing kids and kicking ass at everything.
I see nothing but this horrible beast of depression. If my husband doesn’t want me, who would? If I can’t raise my kids, what’s the point? If I can’t work, what can I do? I am nothing. A void. Useless.
There aren’t any words anymore, and all I want to do is go to sleep, and not wake up. It seems that I’ve stumbled into this place and I don’t know how to get out.
My husband is against antidepressants. He says that they are a crutch. That I have to get through this on my own, because that’s what people are supposed to do.
I have nothing and I can’t do anything.
And every night I dream that I don’t wake up.
(ed note: Prankster, you are not alone. And you are loved. I’m not going to presume to tell you what to do, but you do know that you are depressed and you do need help You don’t have to do it all alone.I hope that you are able to find the help that you need.
We are none of us alone. You are so, so loved. Please remember that.)
I don’t have any wise words, but I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone, that I am listening, that I care and that I believe that you deserve better even though you’re having a hard time believing it for yourself. You ARE worth it. YOU are worth it. The world is better for having you in it. What you are feeling right now isn’t how you will feel forever. You aren’t alone. You are with The Band and we love you.
You are loved, and you can do it. Right now is The Suck, but you can do it. Many hugs.
Wow I am so so sorry! I dealt with postpartum depression after my second child and a sort-of relapse in 2008 after my husband left me. Depression is really just awful and ugly and screws with your entire outlook on everything. So what if antidepressants are a crutch…if you broke your leg you’d use a crutch to get through it wouldn’t you? At least find someone to talk to for a bit of perspective and to get some help! I’ll be thinking of you!
Oh honey, there’s nothing anyone can say to make it instantly better. But please know you aren’t alone. Depression is an evil mistress and turns us into people we know somewhere deep down that we’re not. It’s very cruel that way. Your husband is wrong about antidepressants. But I think you already know this. Sending you a big cyber hug and lots of love.
I am so, so, so, sorry. You have every right to be depressed and you deserve to do (or take) whatever you need to feel better.
He’s wrong, you know. He’s just worried that the antidepressants will clear your mind and lift your spirits. They will. Go for it. Then once you are off the ground again you can kick to the curb the antidepressants and anything else in your life that you don’t want around.
Oh, hon… you are SO worth it. Reaching out here was a huge step in the right direction. We’re here to hold you up and help you pull yourself up and out of the place you’re in right now.
A crutch? If it allows you to walk, then use it.
Oh my dear, you cannot shake this shit off on your own. This is big and it is making you smaller. Try to think like the old you – these aren’t your words, are they?
ou are not alone. I lost count of how many times I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
I just ask you to do one thing. HOLD ON.
I think back to if the sleep had lasted and the whole not-waking-up thing had become a reality. And I think, look at the good stuff I would have missed! No, I’m glad I woke up.
One day, you will be too.
Please make a call. Do some research. There are people out there that can help you.
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*massive hugs* I’m so sorry. Sorry you are going through this. Sorry that I can’t come give you a hug and comfort you in some small way. Sorry that you have to struggle so hard right now. Please know that you are not alone, and there are people out here who care for you. Really, truly care for you, and are pulling for you. And we think you’re worth it.
Well, hope you see all the comments of people pulling for you. Myself included.
I am more than angry that a man who SMOKES POT (also a “crutch” then) is telling you anti-depressants are a “crutch”, and like the above comment says: If it allows you to walk, then use it !!!
I do hope you have found help and do continue to wake up each day. Depression does bite, I fight it often myself, and I hope you win.
Minus the husband, I’ve been there too. It’s awful. By some miracle, I managed to claw my way tooth and nail out of it. I wish that someone had told me that things wouldn’t always be so bad.
Holy wow. Darling woman, you are loved and needed but you know that somewhere, I know you do. My husband said that bull about the meds being a crutch too. I told him I was taking them, he could leave if he felt that strongly. He wouldn’t tell me to soldier through diabetes, this is no different. He’s still here, and now extremely supportive. Use the spoon theory to get through your days, set manageable goals, and crush the shit out of them. And who cares if no one finds you attractive? You don’t owe anyone attractive! You owe yourself HEALTHY! I love you, you are strong, and you can do hard things.
You carry a heavy load. But you are valued. You are loved. I know tomorrow seems impossible. Even more impossible than today. Sending you tons of strength and love. You CAN get through this!
Remember, depression is a lying bitch. You are good. You are important. You are worth it. You’ve had a shitty load dumped on you and I am so sorry about that.