I know he loves me. He’s told me that plenty of times. But this past winter, when he was having a really hard time in his life, I pushed him too hard. I asked him for too much. He wasn’t ready for it then.
I wasn’t in the best place either, and I pressured much more than I should have because of it. I wanted him, like he’d wanted me all those years I had him firmly stuck in the Friend Zone. I wasn’t shy about telling him what I wanted for us. I thought it would make him feel better.
Instead, it made it all worse.
First, he unfriended me on facebook.
Then he sent me that horrible email, telling me that we’re never going to be together.
And then he got himself a new girlfriend.
I’ve come to realize that for all of my pushing, I’m really not ready for us to be more than just friends right now. I want to date other people and play and explore my new area. I think he should date, too. It’s good for him. In a year or two, maybe we can be more – like we’ve both wanted for a long time.
But I’m going to see him, in just a few weeks. I’m traveling hundreds of miles to go home for a week. We always used to surprise each other – showing up without warning, just to make each other smile. I’m going to attempt it.
Part of me is really confident that he’s going to be thrilled to see me. He’s had a few months to cool off. I’ve quit pushing. I tell myself, “He loved me for more than 20 years, he’s not going to just stop. He still loves me. He still wants me.”
I’m terrified that he really meant it when he said we’ll never be a couple. I’m scared to death that when I see him, he’ll still be so mad at me that he’ll laugh in my face. What if I’m wrong, and he really has written me out of his life for good?
The thing is, with him? It’s worth trying to find out. He’s worth everything. I love him more than anyone else in the world.
I just wish I’d seen it sooner.