My daughter just got home from school and asked me what was wrong. I told her “I don’t feel good” but I can’t really pin down what’s wrong or why I don’t feel good.
Ever since this morning, I’ve been so out of it. Just doing a sink full of dishes seemed like it took a huge effort. I managed to haul the laundry to the laundromat. I plugged earplugs into my Blackberry, which I shoved into my pocket. I wasn’t listening to anything, but I didn’t want anyone to look at me, let alone talk to me.
I feel like this cloud is surrounding me. I can see glimpses of the sun at times, but it doesn’t last. Or it’s like I’m treading water. I’m doing what it takes to survive, but not much more.
The only thing that feels good is if I am alone, wrapped in a blanket or in bed. I go through the motions for my husband and daughter. Mostly because I know they won’t understand. And how do I explain how I feel when I don’t even know myself?
Maybe it’s the depression… maybe I need a different medication. Maybe it’s hormones. My period is due any day now, and I already know my hormones are all kinds of screwed up.
I feel alone when I feel like this. I want to talk to someone, but I don’t know who will understand. Who will “get it”. Who won’t just think it’s all in my head?
In the meantime, I try to move forward. I try to keep going through the motions.
I feel this way often. And I think that the worst part of it is the inability to make people understand something you don’t understand yourself. Please see your doctor. There is a good chance it’s hormonal, but there are many other things it could be as well. Whatever it is, you probably do not have to feel like this.
I know this feeling. It’s awful. I really hope that you find some reason why. Like Lola said above, the not knowing why is worse than anything else.
xo
I get it. It’s not all in your head. And, yes, you do need to see your doctor. It’s usually possible to get through times like this without medical help, but oh my God it’s hard. And why take chances, right? Oh, and my advice, which I know you didn’t ask for…next time your daughter asks, tell her what you told us! In case she ever feels that way herself, she’ll know she can come to you and YOU’LL get it. And in the meantime, please know that there are people out here who don’t even know you, but care a whole hell of a lot anyway!
Whatever it is, your doctor should know about the symptoms. Call the nurse, if nothing else, to make sure you’re on record.
understand. I did the round of doctors and I was told it was all in my head. I finally in desperation sought counseling. I am so glad I did. It was nice to know there were no physical reasons that I would be so depressed. I took along time accepting that I actually had Post traumatic stress disorder. I learned a lot about what I call the mind-body connection. When my mind is depressed my body hurts, I walk in a fog, I can barely function. When my body is sick my mind reacts by sinking into depression. Learning my diagnosis is tough. Now I work with my counselor and my doctor and I am learning to thrive. I admire your courage for writing what you did.