My daughter just got home from school and asked me what was wrong. I told her “I don’t feel good” but I can’t really pin down what’s wrong or why I don’t feel good.
Ever since this morning, I’ve been so out of it. Just doing a sink full of dishes seemed like it took a huge effort. I managed to haul the laundry to the laundromat. I plugged earplugs into my Blackberry, which I shoved into my pocket. I wasn’t listening to anything, but I didn’t want anyone to look at me, let alone talk to me.
I feel like this cloud is surrounding me. I can see glimpses of the sun at times, but it doesn’t last. Or it’s like I’m treading water. I’m doing what it takes to survive, but not much more.
The only thing that feels good is if I am alone, wrapped in a blanket or in bed. I go through the motions for my husband and daughter. Mostly because I know they won’t understand. And how do I explain how I feel when I don’t even know myself?
Maybe it’s the depression… maybe I need a different medication. Maybe it’s hormones. My period is due any day now, and I already know my hormones are all kinds of screwed up.
I feel alone when I feel like this. I want to talk to someone, but I don’t know who will understand. Who will “get it”. Who won’t just think it’s all in my head?
In the meantime, I try to move forward. I try to keep going through the motions.