I did not ask for this body, I do not want it.
When I look in the mirror I feel a powerful cognitive dissonance. I have to be – I must be looking at something other than myself.
People say it is just a body, but it isn’t. It is the only physical representation of my entire self. It is the one – the only – thing tying me to this earth, which is not a place I often want to be.
If I can scrape the fat off my bones, then I can disappear, sink right through the cracks, and fade into the woodwork of life. Sometimes I fantasize about melting, or burning, or dissolving.
Instead I starve.
I cannot offer any deep insights into my body or my mind. I don’t know why I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. Why the only times I eat are when I’m in full binging mode.
I would like to offer up some counterpoints to the common myths surrounding eating disorders: I do not want to be beautiful. I do not want to look good in a bikini. I do not want boys to look at me.
In fact, I would prefer that nobody looks at me. I have come to the conclusion I’m almost certainly asexual, which I can’t pretend doesn’t influence my isolation from the “sexual” aspects of this – of my body.
I did not ask for this body, and no matter what I do, I cannot shrink my body, force it into a prepubescent frame, where I am free of the long fingers of sex and of the realities of growing up.It’s not for lack of trying.
I wish I had words of wisdom but all I can say is hanging in there and we are all here for you!!!! (((hugs)))
I wish I knew what to say. Just know that the Band is here for you, always!
I want so badly to take your pain away. Have you talked to someone – a trusted friend, therapist – about this? Sending you all the love and light in the world. You are truly beautiful – inside and out.
*flings glitter* EDs are such a struggle, but even by posting this you are proving you are stronger than it. One day at a time and remember, we are rooting for you.