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I’ve not posted for a long time. Three-and-half-years, if I remember correctly.

I’m sorry about that.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and my life in that time.

I learned I had been married to an alcoholic. I learned that I was allowing myself and my children to be verbally abused. I learned that I couldn’t be strong enough to fix things.

This is hard.

As of the first of this year, I’ve been a single dad. Most days. Some days, the kids are with her. But most of the time, it’s just me. That’s not the hard part. I mean, that’s not easy, but we are managing.

The hard part is dealing with the fear. When I see her, my heart starts racing – I go into flight or fight mode, mostly flight. Technically, I still need to let her in the house, the divorce isn’t final yet, but my stomach churns while she’s there.

When I can’t get the kids on the phone, my mind goes dark places. On the drive into work, my imagination plays out worst case scenarios.

Every day is a little bit better – except for when they are worse. Logically, I know I made the right decisions, and I’m going down the right road, but emotionally, I have so much doubt built up.

I considered making this post anonymous, but this post is not about her. It’s about me. I’m scared. I doubt. I get tired. I make mistakes. But I’m still going.

And I know it’s going to get better….

….even if I can’t quite bring myself to believe that yet.