I’ve not posted for a long time. Three-and-half-years, if I remember correctly.
I’m sorry about that.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and my life in that time.
I learned I had been married to an alcoholic. I learned that I was allowing myself and my children to be verbally abused. I learned that I couldn’t be strong enough to fix things.
This is hard.
As of the first of this year, I’ve been a single dad. Most days. Some days, the kids are with her. But most of the time, it’s just me. That’s not the hard part. I mean, that’s not easy, but we are managing.
The hard part is dealing with the fear. When I see her, my heart starts racing – I go into flight or fight mode, mostly flight. Technically, I still need to let her in the house, the divorce isn’t final yet, but my stomach churns while she’s there.
When I can’t get the kids on the phone, my mind goes dark places. On the drive into work, my imagination plays out worst case scenarios.
Every day is a little bit better – except for when they are worse. Logically, I know I made the right decisions, and I’m going down the right road, but emotionally, I have so much doubt built up.
I considered making this post anonymous, but this post is not about her. It’s about me. I’m scared. I doubt. I get tired. I make mistakes. But I’m still going.
And I know it’s going to get better….
….even if I can’t quite bring myself to believe that yet.
By-DavidWendt
It will get better because it seems it has started to get better already!
It’s a very very very long road and your fears, sadly not unfounded. I can’t tell you much other than this: It’s all going to be okay. Eventually. It’s okay to be scared. I know you know part of what I’m going through, so I say this with the voice of someone who knows how you feel. Out loud I say “it’s all gonna be okay.” Over and over. It beyond helps to say out loud. If that doesn’t help as much as it helps me, have someone you trust say it to you. I wish you the very best of luck.
Your concerns and feelings are validated. Anyone in your situation would feel unsure because that’s what happens when you have a major life change. Being a single dad certainly falls in that category! 🙂 You probably already know what you’d tell someone in your shoes. You just need to know that people care about you and that you’re not alone. Also the “big picture” probably seems too overwhelming. Hopefully you have good friends or family who can help you break things down and make plans day by day or week by week until you get settled into your new life a little more. It’s a good sign that you’re reaching out to this group.
I understand far too well what you are going through.