I’ve not posted for a long time. Three-and-half-years, if I remember correctly.
I’m sorry about that.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and my life in that time.
This is hard.
As of the first of this year, I’ve been a single dad. Most days. Some days, the kids are with her. But most of the time, it’s just me. That’s not the hard part. I mean, that’s not easy, but we are managing.
The hard part is dealing with the fear. When I see her, my heart starts racing – I go into flight or fight mode, mostly flight. Technically, I still need to let her in the house, the divorce isn’t final yet, but my stomach churns while she’s there.
When I can’t get the kids on the phone, my mind goes dark places. On the drive into work, my imagination plays out worst case scenarios.
Every day is a little bit better – except for when they are worse. Logically, I know I made the right decisions, and I’m going down the right road, but emotionally, I have so much doubt built up.
I considered making this post anonymous, but this post is not about her. It’s about me. I’m scared. I doubt. I get tired. I make mistakes. But I’m still going.
And I know it’s going to get better….
….even if I can’t quite bring myself to believe that yet.