I was date raped by two men eighteen years ago, while visiting a friend at college. I never thought of it as rape since I was drunk. I didn’t say no or resist. I was in and out of consciousness, until I finally passed out. I finally woke up to it still going on. I was very sexual after that and slept with anyone who wanted it, even if I didn’t.
A few years after that I was coerced into sex by a friend of a friend. I was alone with him at my apartment. I think he had driven me home from my friend’s house, but I don’t remember. I wasn’t drinking, and it was the afternoon. He was pressuring me to have sex and would not take no for an answer. I was afraid he would be violent if I kept resisting, so I eventually asked him if he would leave if I had sex with him. He said yes. I just laid there like I was dead, while he had sex with me.
I never considered myself a victim, or thought of either of these events as rape.
I always blamed myself and thought of them as my own fault for being stupid and easy. I am married and much older now, and in the past few weeks these incidents came back in my memory. I am now thinking of them as rape and starting to be very upset. How can this be affecting me eighteen years later?
I actually came here thinking about writing very nearly this exact thing. 25 years ago, very very drunk, 3 men had sex with me without my consent. I can’t even say raped. I’ve never thought of it as a traumatic event in my life, just a stupid thing that happened. But I can’t stop reading about this Stanford rape case and I can’t stop thinking about what happened to me. It’s real. It happened to us. We see ourselves in that victim. It’s hard for me to know I’ll never have resolution. I keep running the events through my mind all these years later.
I’m just so sorry. I’m just so, so sorry. Perhaps you might benefit from seeing someone to talk about this horrible trauma? Sending you love, light, and healing, all the way from Chicago.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I wish I had advice to give but all I can do is pray for you and be here to listen if you want to talk about it. (((hugs)))
Its not your fault, and as difficult as it may be you need to realize this. If you are able to try to find some help, talking through situations like this can help you to recover and to move forward.