This post originally appeared on my blog on October 17, 2010
A while back, I was Facebook-friended by someone with whom I’d gone to elementary school, a woman I hadn’t seen in 15 years. In that same week, I was friended by another schoolmate, a man I hadn’t seen in 25 years. I’ll call these two people, who are not Facebook friends with each other, Leia and Mork.
I was happy to be back in touch with Leia and Mork. Leia and I, and Mork and I, in separate sets of messages, chatted in the way that long-lost friends do, telling each other where we live, how many kids we have, what we do for work. We exchanged several messages. A few messages in, both Mork and Leia asked me what sort of writing I did. And so I told them, as simply as I could: I write, under a pen name, about my son, who likes to wear a dress.
And you know what? Both Leia and Mork never wrote back.
Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe the conversations just dropped off in the way conversations eventually do, and it just happened to be after I dropped the pink-bomb on each of them. Maybe they both got busy, sick, or their computers went on the fritz.
Or maybe they got freaked out.
Because people sometimes do.
I notice that the tomboy in Sam’s grade who plays on the boys’ soccer team is cool and socially in demand, while Sam doesn’t get invited to many birthday parties. Sometimes people look at us strangely when we disclose that Sam, the long-haired kid they’ve taken for a girl, is a boy. Sam’s school administration can talk eloquently about diversity and acceptance up and down, except when it comes to gender, when they get all panicky and quiet.
I make it my business to talk to as many people as I can about Sam (while being careful of his privacy and his safety), to make gender nonconformity something that gets talked about, not something swept under the rug. Because when we hide something, we make it shameful. So I open my mouth, maybe even more than I should, and occasionally I lose an audience member or two, like Leia and Mork.
But maybe the next time they hear about someone’s son who wears a dress, they’ll remember that the woman they kind of liked back in elementary school mentioned something about her son wearing a dress, and maybe that will make it a little bit more OK.
Fuck the haters. while i think my life is perfectly normal, most people do not. i practice an ‘alternative religion’ and consider myself bisexual. i can’t tell you how many times facebook/myspace friends mysteriously disappeared right after i posted something about my religion. it’s super lame that people can’t accept each other for who they really are on the inside. and i would think that part of what sam is doing is trying to make his outside match his inside. i can relate to that – and people who judge based solely on the outside suck.
Thanks for the support. I’m not sure hate can be worked with, though I haven’t given up. Ignorance, however, I’m totally willing to work with. Which is why I open my mouth so much. Why is why I come up against the Morks and Leias.
You were brave and honest and awesome. Sometimes finding out that people just aren’t ready for you is merely a timesaver.
“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind.” – Dr. Seuss
ey, thanks!!! I’m going to tape that to my computer: brave, honest, awesome. You’ve made my day.
Woman, you know better than to Facebook. Real life people on line suck. Unknown on line people rule the world.
Lots of love and encouragement to you and your little guy.
🙂 Thanks.
Good for you! My son has long hair, carries a purse and a baby doll wherever we go, and likes bright colors including pink. He’s 2.5 and we are already getting crap about it. He is who he is and he’s wonderful and I won’t try to change him, thank you for standing up for boys like ours.
You’re welcome! And thanks for sharing your story. Please check out this website and feel free to comment any time–we need lots of voices.
You hit the nail on the head when you said, “When we hide something we make it shameful.” I commend you and what you’re doing for your son. I hope that more parents learn from you and speak out with you…I know I have and will. I try to teach my daughter to love people for their soul. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you!!
when my son was about, oh 5 or 6, i think (he’s 18 now and my memory is shot!), he went through a phase where he wanted to wear a dress. now, he didn’t want to wear it out, necessarily, he just liked wearing dresses.
i was a little alarmed, truth be told, but…i let him. when i was asking him why, his response was “because they are so much more comfortable than pants”.
ok.
it lasted a few weeks, and then i never heard it again. at the same age he also wanted to wear pullups….god knows.
my point being, who knows. right? and why suppress it? if my son, at 18, was still dressing in dresses, uh, so wtf?? not for me to judge, CERTAINLY for no one else.
you are a good mom, a VERY good mom. allowing your child to be who they are is good parenting. it’s harder as they get older, gotta say, and i haven’t been perfect, but….we try.
and you are amazing!
Thank you.
When girls want to wear a pair of pants or get on a soccer team, no one bats an eye. But because people get so up in arms about any deviation that boys make from traditional masculinity, it does make it nerve-wracking to parent a boy who wants to try on something girly, even for a short time. I’m glad to hear that you let your son wear dresses while he was in that phase. You did it in a safe way, at home, and just watched to see what would happen. I commend you on your care and good sense.
You’re totally right that the tomboy down the street is almost chic now, whereas the boy in the dress is still taboo. And it’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s a DRESS. It’s not like he wants to do something illegal or immoral. Good god. There are so many better things to go nuts over that a boy in a dress just isn’t even on the radar. And it’s sad that some people want to elevate something so innocent and superficial (superficial as in, it’s just clothes, people!) to a level of importance that it borders on paranoia. Gender norms are only there because we insist they are. Once we get rid of the preconceptions, the stigma goes away. Get over yourselves, people. I’m sure you have better shit to worry about.
ou said it, sister.
My partner, a woman, routinely wears men’s suits, shoes, and ties to the office. I hope like hell she’s paving the way for future gender non-conformists! Hang in there and thank you for letting your son be who he is.
Awesome. She is definitely paving the way! The more we just express who we are, the more normal it becomes. Kudos to her for being herself! And to you for supporting her