I’m standing in the middle of a room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one notices.
I’m surrounded. Surrounded by a husband and family who love me. Friends, both on-line and in real life. But no one ever says anything.
I want to yell, Can’t you see how much pain I’m in? Why are you ignoring me?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Do they think I’m just asking for attention? Do they think I’m faking it for pretend sympathy? Do they think I could fix it but I don’t because then I would have nothing to talk about?
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose to feel helpless and alone. I didn’t choose to have to battle with myself every single day to just get out of bed.
I have to talk myself into getting up. Talk myself into feeding myself breakfast. Every single day is broken up into tiny increments. Small goals to achieve. I say to myself, I have to make it through this hour and then it’s time for a nap. Just a couple more hours and then the husband will be home. One more day until the weekend.
I fight the urge to cry and do nothing but lay on the couch. I fight the urge to go into the kitchen, late at night, and pull a knife out of the block and put it to my wrist.
No one wants to hear me say this. No one cares.
I keep screaming. And screaming. And screaming.
All I hear in my head is the screaming.
October 15, 2010 at 1:26 pm
October 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I am so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t have to feel this way. There are people who can help. Please reach out to your family and husband, to anyone and everyone. You are not alone and it can be better. Big hugs!
October 15, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I wish I could say or do more but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
AUNT BECKY says:
October 15, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I know this feeling. It’s awful. I’m so sorry.
October 15, 2010 at 2:57 pm
I hear you. I’ve felt it too. It sucks. Sometimes the ones closest to us do not understand … but there are people who do.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Please take care of yourself.
October 15, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Thanks for the love, everyone. It means more to me than you know.
October 15, 2010 at 5:06 pm
I may not know this feeling for the same reasons as you, but I know it just as well. I wish that this could just go away, that there could be some way for nobody to ever feel this way again, because NOBODY should have to go through this, and it is messed up that it happens to women postpartum. That is the time that it should least happen, and it SUCKS that it doesn’t work out that way.
I’m so sorry that I cannot help you, and I am so sorry that you are struggling, and I am SO sorry that it happened now of all times.
And know that People care, even strangers.
October 17, 2010 at 12:19 pm
I hope you take your feeling seriously and talk to your doctor and/or a mental health professional. Part chemical, part emotional – all dangerous if left untreated. I know; I was there. I was afraid of doctors and refused to get help for a long time. I suffered more because I didn’t believe I could get help. I needed a professional that could teach me learn a new way to think. I hope you reach out to someone that can help you. The first step you have already done. You acknowledged that you are hurting.
BRANDI C says:
October 18, 2010 at 11:53 am
Oh sweetie, this does just fucking suck. I’m so sorry that you feel this overwhelmed, but everyone is right, you are not alone in this. Millions of women have been where you are and have felt as desperately alone. But please, PLEASE also heed Ruth’s comment and talk to your doctor about this. Your PCP or OB/GYN is a great place to start and there is NO SHAME in feeling this way!!! You have the right to be happy and to feel good and peaceful and calm again, so don’t be afraid to ask for the help, whether it really is screaming, or crying or simply grabbing someone’s hand and quietly asking.